I Won't Quote

This month I have tried so few vegan things. It is sad, but oh well.

I thought that I am not writing just random things here, but I want to tell something. Like, with eating, things are still difficult. When somethin is not perfect, I feel sooooo much like I am "wasting calories" and I can't handle it. Like for example last night I made something fast to eat, because I got home super late. And it was my curd cream-berries-cereal bowl. Because I have like half a kilo at once, right. Well, anywayyyy, in this berry mix there were blackcurrants and they were too sour and I was thinking that I don't like it at all and ate it super fast for that reason. And also after this I had some grapes and ice cream. And like, last night it was fine, I did feel a bit guilty about eating so fast and so late, but it was bearable.

And then today morning it started - thoughts of "I shouldn't have eaten it", I could have made something else, I could have only had snacks, I should have restricted a bit, you didn't like it anyway, you just scoffed it down, it was pointless, you didn't enjoy the process of eathing etc etc. And I am mad at myself. I thought that okay, I'll use this technic where I let myself feel bad for a bit, but whatever I do, this emotion doesn't leave me. And writing this down here is somehow reassuring. Like... at least someone else knows now. I feel like I need to justify myself. I thought I was over these kind of things, but apparently not.

Also my weight plays a role here, because it is higher than never before, but yes. I just would like to cry a bit at that, honestly. :D But I don't feel like crying, I can't push the tears out, I am just upset. Maybe this is something I need to talk to my psychologist about - how to get over this emotion.

Everything is okay. I was hungry, that is why I ate fast. Food doesn't need to be perfect. But I STILL feel like I wasted it. I guess I will feel this way today, hopefully it will pass by tomorrow. I just want to get over it, I don't know, it is so difficult to sit with these thoughts. I can't focus on anything really.

Anyway, now that this is off my chest, I can turn to the vegan products I tried last month. As I said, there are only a few, but I hope it is still interesting.

Hakitud soja tomatikastmes (Soy mince in tomato sauce)

I have never used this before, but now my parents and grandma came to visit us and it was my task to make dinner. I made some boiled potatoes and minced soy dish, I added some more tomato paste, mushrooms, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprica. Everyone really enjoyed it and didn't believe it was vegan etc. :D Anyway, this was really positive surprise and I keep thinking I should make more foods like this! 10/10

Tooršokolaad guaranaga (Raw chocolate with guarana)

This I got a while ago from vegan subscription box, but honestly... I didn't like it. And usually I am a huge fan of dark chocolate. I shared it with people, with friends etc and they had it, but no one said it was good. Maybe other Stay Young chocolates are better, but this was a big disappointment. 3/10.

Naturli jäätis vaarikaga (Naturli ice cream with raspberries)

I loved that it was soft enough - it didn't need to thaw out of the freezer, I could just have it right away. But at the same time... it was nothing special. But well, I know that I don't like fruity ice creams that much. I should try their chocolate one. But this, I wouldn't get it again. 5/10.

Beyond meat burger (Beyond Meat burger)

I finally tried it at the restaurant in a burger and it was just AMAZING. It was exactly like meat, I showed it to my relative like ten times, asking if this looked vegan to her. :D It really probablt helped that it was in a burger with other things like onion jam and stuff, but I highly recommend it. Probably my favourite vegan meat alternative! 10/10.

Vegan Gourmet klassikalises marinaadis sojašašlõkk (Vegan Gourmet shaslik in classic marinade)

Eeerm about this I am really thinking about buying several kilos and freeze it. And then have it all year around, because it is just SO GOOD. It was really nicely marinated with vinegar, it had enough salt and it didn't dry out while being barbequed. It was awesome, another favourite product! 10/10. Next time I will try the spicy BBQ marinade one. I also had one other company's vegan shashlik, but there were too little people and we didn't prepare it.

Nemoloko kaerajook matcha teega (Nemoloko oat milk with matcha tea)

I have tried it once a long time ago, when I made this popular dalgona coffee, and it worked well. But just this, I didn't really like. Even though I have a weird relationship with matcha anyway, in some things I loved it, but on other occasions I don't. Anyway, I will bot be buying this again. 2/10.

Kalevi tume šokolaadi kirsi-tšilliga (Dark chocolate with cherries and chilli)

I think it is fully vegan, don't hit me when I am wrong. Anyway this I liked, though it had too little chilli, it could use some more. But I have bought it several times, because it is really good! And even though I am not a fruity chocolate fan mostly, this hits the spot. 7/10.

I am starting to write this post right now, on Monday morning, so it won't be that long I think.

Me, being pleased with my clothes.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little about how I deal with working out. And it is going well! I usually go to the gym like 2 times per week, mostly on the weekends, because on weekdays I get home quite late. I have gone a few times during the week as well, but then I have worked from home so going there takes no time at all. But in general it is good that I don't feel like I have to go every single day. I just take it easy, go when I want to and feel like it. I don't force myself to go at all.

Usually I jog a little and then use the equipment. Me! I have gotten used to using quite a few machines already, but there are still some I haven't checked out. I have my own certain routine of things I always do. I don't haby any muscles to show yet, but I don't work out that much. But at the same time after a workout I often get slightly sore muscles and I really like this feeling. :D And also it has never been too painful, just nice. And I think this is healthy.

In addition to using the equipment, I also do something with dumbbells and recently I have also started to pay attention to my abs. Even though I should probably do more for them, as I am so weak at my core. :D It will progress as time goes by, I am sure. Usually I stay at the gym for an hour or a little more.

On the weekend I used the running machine and jogged a little. Can't really call it proper running, as I am so slow, but it is at least something. Like last time I did FOUR AND A HALF km. I was super proud, as it has been a long time since I ran that much. I like running on the machine more, because it helps me to keep the pace. Outside I always start too fast and then get tired really soon. Also there aren't any crossroads and stuff at the gym. Or other people. There aren't many people who just run at the gym, mostly people walk. Most of the people still use the machines or dumbbells.

I am thinking that I should make a plan and write down how much weight I use on which machine etc, because it gets difficult to remember it all. And I would like to follow my progress more closely.

Something more general now as well... went to the beach on Friday and after that went to have food at Chakra, an Indian place. It was really nice, I highly recommend this place. On the beach there were quite a few people which was also a good change. :)

Then on Saturday I didn't really do anything, I was mainly at home... tried to study a bit, but wasn't successful. But I know I HAVE to do it as soon as possible, because I applied to uni on Friday and soon the exam takes place. I need to get at leasy 70 points, it is possible to get 50 from the test and 50 from the interview. I hope I am going to ace the interview, so I don't have to worry too much. I have hope. But even if I get 70 points, only first 30 will get a spot. :D And there are about 80 people registered...

Then in the evening I went to the gym and was there for a little less than an hour, because I simply was too tired. And it had a lot of people, considering it was Saturday, usually there aren't that many. Everyone are hungover from last night or out partying again usually, as weather is also super nice at the moment. Then I went home, ate a lot of course and then headed to bed. I had stayed up quite late on Friday so I was really sleepy.

On Sunday I had a proper rest, went to some stores. But I couldn't be bothered to try clothes on so I just went back home. Though one pair of pants is still in my mind, I think I have to go back at one point. I want mum jeans, because these are super popular at the moment and I love people wearing them. But I have tried them, and I don't like them on me. But I won't stop until I find a pair.

Then yesterday evening I also sorted through my clothes, even though I didn't manage to do it with everything. I was left with quite a bit I want to give away or sell. Also these are not only super small things, I have all the sizes. :D I feel kind of sad at the idea of throwing them away. I think in the end I will still bring them to the collection point and that will be done. I am just kind of sad that some of the things I haven't even worn.

I also thought about selling them at a second hand store, but I don't know how well it would go. Are there people actually buying stuff from there? Usually there are so few people in these kind of stores so I don't know. Also if any one my friends would like some new clothes - please drop by and see if you'd like something. :D I have pants, dresses, sweaters, jackets, blouses, a lot of things! Me and my friends used to do something like this: we went to someone's place with all the things we wanted to give away and then swich them. :D I would gladly do something like this again.

I am not really excited for the new week, because there is soooo much at work I need to do. One of my bosses has a holiday for a month and before this I really need to figure some things out. I try to take it easy and not stress too much. I also started to write a proper diary and I did write there that I worry way too much over stuff. Also I have another conflict - I always think and say I want to be more spontaneous, but I like knowing proper plans. It is kind of difficult to find the in-between...

But coming back to the gym, I think that yes, I need to plan out my workouts better. Like on what day I will do what etc. I really would need someone's help for that though, I am such a newbie. :D Of course I could learn stuff from YouTube, I am sure there is a lot of content (I even looked up how to use some of the equipment). But having someone with an experience would be beneficial.

With eating, things are going okay, but I feel like I still have some fearfoods, which I should take head on. :/ Because like... every day I keep thinking that I eat the same kind of stuff. I need to make something else. But I am so used to this. But then I keep thinking that there is so much other good food, I need to try it all... but I never get around to it.

Like at the moment it is difficult to eat rice, noodles (it used to be that pasta was no go and noodles were okay, now it is the opposite :D), beans and lentils (I don't even know, why, it used to be okay), some fruit (like mango, banana - even though I add banana to my porridge evert day), some vegetables (like avocado) etc. Yesterday I did make noodles with eggs and veggies for dinner and it was amazing. I don't know why I am scared. It just is like that. Also at the moment it is summer and I only want to eat fresh stuff. Ugh, this is just so irritating.

Anyway, here are some general plans for this week:

1. Finish some critical things at work.

2. Think and plan gym workouts.

3. Try and run more, both indoors and outdoors.

4. Study, study, study.

5. Try to be more spontaneous.

6. Eat different foods.

7. Spend more time in the sun.

8. Read more books.

9. Stress less.

10. Think of a GOOD challenge and execute it.

Here you go, ten things, I can be happy now. :D I will now try to get int work, as last week was a bit half-arsed. It is difficult to get back into rhytm.

First challenge appeared already before Midsummer Day. I had just had lunch when my sister said that there are many kringel pastries, salad and other kinds of food left from her small gathering with coworkers and that me and mum can come there and eat. My mum came to Tallinn to take us back home by car, because Midsummer has always been the time you spend with your family. We are going to my Grandma's, have a BBQ, just chill and talk.

Anyway, I was full, but I KNEW I WANTED those things I prepared for my sister. I made cheese pastry and nutella pastry and some filled eggs. I knew I couldn't stop myself when these things were in front of me, it didn't matter how hard I tried. And is it wrong to have food because I want to?!

These were just super good.

Everything always goes back to weight and the fact that as of right now I don't need to gain any. These eating moments, overeating etc is much easier to justify when I was underweight. Then it didn't matter if I gained a few kilos or not, because I needed that. But today it isn't like so anymore. Also I know that tomorrow, on Midsummer's Eve, I will eat soooo much. I know that I can't stop myself yet again.

I have been thinking about restricting in advance, skipping a few meals or not having dinner, but I haven't done that. I really wish I did, because then my eating would be okay. But I have been doing good, trying to be normal.

Today I also haven't been able to walk around, walking is still an obsession for me. But knowing I CAN'T walk today is also kind of freeing, because finally I don't have to count the steps. But it would at least calm my nerves... at the moment I am just really anxious.

Actually I have also been working from home today, but if I didn't have to do it, I would have taken a long walk already. Even though lately I just can't be bothered. I have done other things with my time and I have learned I also like doing other stuff. Reading books, writing letters, watching series and movies, listening to music, journaling and scrapbooking, being with friends and relatives and so on. I can't even really believe I used to spend 4-5 hours a day just walking around.

At the moment yes, I am still doing it, but not voluntarily. It is an obsession and need. It also doesn't help that people post on Instagram about how much they have walked... I feel like it automatically becomes and competition and I can't be "worse" than them. Argh, it is just so frustrating!

At least I have better relationship with the gym, I don't have to go there every damn day. I just go a few times per week. And I don't use the equipment that shows how many calories you have burned. I do weigh training with different machines, I try out dumbbell exercises and yesterday I also did some abs. And I have gotten over this "must burn calories" thinking, I do stuff that I like and what make me feel good. I have also been thinking about getting back into running, but the weather is just TOO hot at the moment. Honestly, this is too much even for me. :D I have also been thinking about taking my sleeping bag to 24/7 opened store and go sleep there. xD I wonder how the workers would react to this...

Anyway yes, at my sister's, I still tried everything I had made and then we drove to Viljandi. Me and my mum also picked up some Vegan Gourmet vegan shaslik and it literally took us an hour to drive from my place to the pick up location, there was so much traffic. But it was worth it. :D

I felt really super upset when we went to Viljandi and mostly I felt again that I don't want to exist, I just would like to fall asleep and not wake up. I couldn't calm down somehow and whatever I did, my mood didn't improve. In the end I took my meds and headed to bed, because I just didn't know what else to do.

The next day was hundred times better. In the morning we all had some breakfast, then we just chilled outside before it got too hot. We had some watermelon, strawberries, blueberries etc, we just snacked the whole day. Then I also went for a little walk, went to the place my other Grandma lived when she was alive and it was so nostalgic. I took a huge detour home and picked some field flowers for my Grandma, who'se place we went for a BBQ. :D

I got some rain, but it stopped quite soon and it was hot yet again, so I dried off fast. I vurned my shoulders and back a little, because I wore the upper part of my bikini and it was 12 pm. Today my shoulders really hurt, I came to work with backpack and I really didn't want to wear it. :D

Then around 5 we went to my Grandma's place and my dad started the BBQ. We had some meat shaslik, then fish one and this soya one I ordered. I also wanted to try the fish one really bad.

And…

It was amazing. :D I also have another vegan meat from a company, but there was only 6 of us so there was no point in barbequing it all. We left it for another time when I came to Viljandi. Anyway, the fish one was good as well and was eaten first.

Anyway, I tried this vegan shashlik and it was so real! It tasted like meat, the texture was like meat etc. It was perfectly marinated and it wasn't dry at all. Others also tried it and they liked it, but I pretty much had the whole 1 kg bag by myself. xD Me and dad kind of competed though, because he also really enjoyed it. Anyway yes, I will definitely order some more, because... I am really buzzing for it. :D

We sat outside for a long time and in the end I even got to wear a hoodie, soooooo nice. Because the weather has been really hot here. We also had cheese, grapes, watermelon, pastries, ice cream etc. But...

II ate a lot. But not so much that I would have felt overly bloated. Maybe it helped that I had vegan meat, it is kind of lighter? Anyway, I didn't really feel disgusting and I didn't even have guilt feelings the next morning. I had my normal breakfast. Okay, I had a few too many drinks, so I felt a bit hungover, but nothing too bad. :D

But when I woke up I was really anxious. Exactly like I was in Tartu. My heart was pounding, head was spinning, hands were shaking and I just felt suuuuper panicky. I didn't know what to do. I went to my dad and asked him to sit with me, but it ended up to be a lecture. It wasn't very nice. At least soon my mum woke up and I cried a little, then I was better. xD I don't know, these panic attacks are really bad. I feel weird the whole day.

To my surprise, I didn't take the earliest bus or train back to Tallinn, I stayed in Viljandi a bit longer. We were just chilling, I didn't even go for a walk, even though I really felt like I should have gone. It is bothering me a lot.

When I got back to Tallinn, I went to the nearest store! I thought that well, I have time, maybe I should walk a little more, but I was just so tired and then I only got in about 2000 steps. And I really didn't care. What a weird feeling...

And today morning my weight was up by two kilos from before going to Viljandi. But... I didn't care. Like, I wasn't bothered AT ALL. It is I think the first time where I just don't care, usually I still get some pangs of emotion related to it. But not this morning. And I really didn't worry about food and eating in Viljandi. I felt that things can be, well, normal.

My best friend sent me a message while I was in Tartu, saying that she would like us to start sending regular letters again. You know, the ones with snail mail. It doesn't matter that 90% of the day we are talking on Facebook Messenger and that we live in the same town - it would still be very cool to get a letter. And then we can read it in 20 years or something. :D

And now on Friday at work I thought that I could make it into a challenge. Send letters for five days. I have some penpals, or like, just friends who I usually communicate like this, send postcards etc, but I haven't really done it recently. So this is a good opportunity to do this. So five days and five letters starts now!

Thursday

I wrote a letter to my best friend. It was really long, two A4 pages and very small letters. :D Actually I wrote it for several days, because I didn't have enough time at once, but I posted it on Thursday finally. I would really like to know when it arrives.

It was really weird to write like this, my hand cramped a lot, because I am not used to it. But in the end I thought that I could have even written more. And we used to send really long letters to each other, all about what we are doing and what has happened. My letter today wasn't on this level, because it was a first one I have written in a while and it was a bit strange to write. Also I have already told her everything. :D

But anyway, it was really nice to write and I hope she will answer. :D I have a momery box for all the letters, I always keep them. :)

Friday

Today I wrote a letter to my friend in Turkey, who also visited me a few years ago. We used to talk literally every day, but now it hasn't happened much. Still, through Twitter I am up to date with what she is doing, even though I am not using Twitter much thesedays. I am trying, but I never have anything to say. :D Every day I think I will start tweeting again, but it never happens.

The most difficult thing is having a cramp in your hand, I am just not used to writing. But it is nice. At the same time I also feel that I am not very good at writing letters, I haven't done it in a while and I don't know what you are supposed to write about. :D Besides, to the people I am writing to, I often just talk to so they know what is happening with me. :D

Saturday

Today I wrote a letter to my German friend, who has visited me many times and who I have also visited. It was really nice to talk about nothing, in the end it was just super random. :D

I did think that I don't have it in me to write, because it was a day off and I had other things to attend to, but I still took some time for writing and did it. I really love getting letters myself, so I hope people who will receive my letters think the same. I think it has something so nice and personal in reading words others have written on an actual paper.

My Grandma had a pen pal from Hungary for a long time, they wrote for years and also called sometimes. I also used to be a member of Interpals and wrote with several people, it was such a nice time. And then at one point I did postcrossing, which was also really cool. You can pick how many postcards you want to send and then the same amount of people will be given your address. It is really cool that these pages are still popular right now. I think that maybe I should join one again and start sending more mail. I just got really excited over letters suddenly. :D

With one girl from Korea I met via Interpals and we sent letters for a long time. I think we both wrote like 10+ letters, but then it suddenly stopped. She didn't answer to me anymore or something. I hope she is doing well, even though I don't even remember her name anymore. :D But I have her letters somewhere at my parents' place, I can look for them and remember.

At the same time I can't deny that sending so many letters is going to be quite expensive. Within Estonia, a letter costs 1.10 €, but it is much more expensive to send a letter abroad. And even more if you want to send an actual parcel or something like that. Though sending gifts is even more exciting!

Sunday

Today I am writing to a friend from Italy. We sometimes send each other postcards and tea and snacks, so this time I also considered sending a whole parcel. She is really nice and sweet and we dream about me visiting her and her showming me pretty places. It would be amazing.

In general I have a feeling that I have so many friends in a lot of different places, I could do a trip and just spend some time with each of them, haha. :D I should look for people in the countries I don't have any connection with yet, it would be so cool!

At the same time I am thinking that I have so many more people who I would like to write to! For example one girl from USA, then some people from Finland, also I could write to my other best friend in Japan... my poor hand that has to work for this. xD

Writing so many letters like this at once is also a bit difficult, I tend to say the same things over and over again and I don't see a point. But at the same time they are all different people, which means this is all new information for them, even if I tell someone else the same stuff. :D

I won't be telling anyone that I have sent them a letter, I will wait and see if they mention it and if they arrive at all. :D Okay, I did tell my best friend though, because I am afraid she won't check her post box otherways, I check mine every day. Especially because I am waiting for some Aliexpress orders, haha. :D

But yeah, getting a letter as a surprise is so cool in my opinion. For example this Italiak girl randomly sent me a birthday gift and it was so sweet! At first I thought it was something I ordered, but then I saw the name on the parcel and I was like, omg, someone is thinking of me and writing to me?

Also this is super random but would you like to receive a letter? :D I could write something to you. I also thought about startin Patreon and see if someone would like to support me there and then as an exchange I could send you postcards and talk to you in person or something. But then I was like... who do I think I am and scrapped the idea. :D

I really like this challenge. This is one of the coolest things I have done I think. I would like to keep up with it, but maybe not in that big of a scale, haha. :D But if anyone would answer to me, I will definitely send them a letter back!

It is so cool that with people I got to know a looong time ago I still have this connection. It is somehow really adorable!

Another question - do you have penpals or would you like to have one? I remember that there used to be an Estonian children magazine where you could post an ad to look for a penpal. No one wrote to me though, even though I did send some letters. Okay, I think I found some e-mail penpals, I remember that. I had a separate e-mail for it, so I could use another name and hide my identity. At the moment I am completely different, I am like... "you wan't my address? here you go". :D But well, now I am an adult and I don't think anyone from USA will become a stalker and visit me. 

But if you are underage, you should really talk about this with your parents first and say that you would like to have a penpal and if it is okay for you to give your address to a stranger.

Monday

Today's letter is still pending, but this goes out to my Grandma. Actually I am sending her a postcard, becuase I will see her soon and she really likes to get cards, so I thought why not. I always send a postcard to her from my trips, but I haven't been away this year, so I thought I would send a travel themed card instead. :D

She always sets up the cards on her living room table and shows them off when someone is visiting. This is so cute! And I think that she would like to get a random card/letter from me. I thought about sending a card with flowers, as she really likes them, she even took a trip to flower festival in the Netherlands.

My Grandma is so dear to me and I want to make her happy somehow. So yes, I think this is a good idea. Anyway, I feel like after today I still will be sending some more letters, because I want to write to EVERYONE and I am really excited at the idea.

But talking about something else: Midsummer day is coming. And I know I will overeat a lot then and I am stressed about it. But what has to come will come anyway. I don't have my psychologist appointment for a while now as well, because she has a vacation and then I have my holidays. I have to manage stuff by myelf. Even though I am feeling a bit better at the moment and I hope it will last for some time. But I think my vacation is coming at the right time. I feel like I can't really work at all anymore.

Today I also need to write down main things about my master's thesis. I have really left it at the last moment, so I am doubtful if I get in. I am still going to try. I have an idea and main things, I just need to write it all down. Good luck to me with it.

Also I am going to my sister's after work to bake something, she has some people coming over tomorrow and she asked if I could prepare something. Of course, I like to bake and cook etc. But yeah, due to this I can't go out for a walk and this bothers me. Also tomorrow my mum is coming to Tallinn who we were supposed to go to some stores and then on Wednesday morning we are diving to Viljandi together. Again, no walking. And then this Midsummer day and all that. But maybe I need this. I wish it didn't cause me so much stress...

It is really hot. I am usually always cold, but what is going on at the moment, is too much even for me. My computer shows weather forecast and it always has a little sign saying "red alert", which is pretty accurate.

Yesterday I went to a beach with a friend around 5-6 pm and I got REALLY sunburnt, so weird. We were just sitting there for an hour, I didn't think this was possible. My hands are really ichy grom the sun, it feels pretty bad. And then in the evening in bed I was just like nope and took a really cold shower quick. At least I could fall asleep after that. But yeah, it is really difficult to handle. :D

Anyway, enjoy the nice weather, don't forget sunscreen and take a pen and paper to the beach. Write a letter to someone!

Actually I didn't even plan on doing this challenge, but then I thought that yesterday (on Sunday) I drank so much water that it was definitely at least 2 l. And then on Monday at work I also started strong, so it seemed that the five day challenge (at least) was go.

Sunday

I was in Tartu visiting my relative and it was so hot all the time and we drank a lot of... water. And also she didn't have any sodas at home that I would have liked to have. And honestly after a long period of time I felt thirsty. And for water.

When I got up in the morning I had several glasses of water, I also took a drinking bottle to the bus with me and at home I also sipped on carbonated water. And like... at one point I craved for a soda, but it... passed? Like, last time I had some Coke, it was on Thursday (I also did have a small Pepsi Max on Saturday), it kind of made me feel awful. It suddenly tasted disgusting.

When I went to a store and saw Monster energy drinks was on sale, I had already put one in the basket for myself, but at the last moment I took it back. For a period of time, about two weeks, I had an energy drink every day and I got really bad stomach cramps. Then from Thursday onwards I haven't bought them anymore. I still have had like 1,5 liters of coke on Thursday, but then I had a little break. On Friday I had some Fanta and then on Saturday this small Pepsi, but that was it.

And I felt a lot better yesterday. I didn't have this heavy feeling in my stomach. Also I had a ton of vegetables with dip and like 2 kilos of watermelon so I was full of water anyway, yet I knew that if I had some soda, I would still drink it and then feel extra awful later.

Monday

I just went to the store to get some lunch and I automatically stopped at the soft drinks. I wanted Fanta or Sprite really badly. But it didn't seem so good suddenly. Or well, it did, but I didn't feel like I absolutely needed it.

In the morning I had a glass of water with some syrup, I always do it when I take my meds, but at work I have already had 750 ml bottle of carbonated water. It is good to do that, we have a carbonated water dispenser at the office. And I have a really nice glass waterbottle at work. I got a new one from my relative and took this one to the office with me. 

I haven't really felt thirsdy today, but I have been sipping on water. And it is good. I don't know, I think I am finally over soda. And this sugar free thing. I am not saying that I will never drink sodas again, of course I will, but I will try not to have 1,5 l obttle every single day.

And even though carbonated soft drinks are sweet and kind of more filling, they actually make me more hungry. It is probably due to the fact they have a lot of sweeteners in and your organism thinks that it will get some calories. And when it doesn't, it gets confused, because it has already prepared. I think I read it from somewhere, but I am too lazy to look it up right now. You can just Google it.

Anyway yes, even though it is only my second soda free water drinking day, I am quite excited. :D I really needed this new beginning and Tartu was really good to me.

Today I have already had three coffees and I think I will make a cup of tea soon, but I don't count them into my water intake. I will set 2 l as a goal for pure water. It may be carbonated though. :D Becase like, water is water, but in black tea (that I usually have) there is coffeine and it takes water out of your body, so yeah, this is where the logic comes from. :D

I hope I will be able to have two liters today, but considering it is only one pm and I am already halfway, it doesn't seem that difficult. And if I want to have more water, I will have more water. And if I don't manage to have 2 l, I won't. I will just follow how I feel.

Last half a cup was a bit difficult to be honest, but I still managed. Later I also had another cup of tea - we had apartment complex meeting and it took a long time and I got cold sitting outside, so this was perfect to finish the day.

Tuesday

I wanted to start the morning with a glass of water, but I just don't feel thirsty when I wake up. So before I got to the water, I had already had three cups of coffee. :D But at least I am here now. At the moment it is 9:30 and I just started with my first 750 ml bottle of water. But I think I will easily manage two today, it is getting easier by the day.

Yesterday I actually really wanted to have soda. At home when I was sitting and watching TV, I thought I would kill for Fanta or something. Also I am convinced that the Coke I have been drinking also gave me energy, because I have just been really sleepy recently. I would really like an energy drink or something. But no. Maybe after this challenge I will let myself have a soda or energy drink once per week, but I don't really want this addiction to continue.

When I am drinking water, I constantly feel really bloated and full and have to go to the bathroom a lot, it is pretty annoying. xD But well, I am getting used to it, I am sure, and it will be fine. I know a lot of people who have done this kind of challenge and they have kept drinking just as much water for a year or more and they say that they will never go back to not drinking water. :D Maybe I will be the same, we shall see.

Today drinking water isn't going that well, it is already 12:30 and I have only had half of the first bottle. :D

And it was really difficult in the end. For dinner I made a huge bowl of pasta with carrots and eggplant and I had hald of liter of yoghurt with berries and cereal and I really couldn't get the water down. :D But I did have it in the end, even though I had to use the bathroom many times at night.

Wednesday

I don't really crave for a soda, but at the same time I DO want some. I miss sweet taste. Every time I sip some water, I feel like something is missing. Also I need to start drinking regular water instead of carbonated soon, because I went to see the dentist today and I will get the invisalign things tomorrow (kind of like see through moulds that I need to wear) and during this I can only have regular water. :(

And I have to wear them 24/7, except for eating and brushing my teeth for the first three months! So it will be difficult, at least it has been a good preparation. :D It really sucks that I have a lot of coffee and tea usually and I need to take them out each time I make a cup.

Honestly, I don't really want to complain, because I am really happy with my teeth journey. The result is so worth it. And I want to keep my teeth straight. Also it was so weird at the dentist, for the moulds, they scanned my teeth with 3D pencil. It used to be that they manually take moulds, but now they just used a pen that they moved around in my mouth. It was kind of like in a futuristic mobie or something. :D But it was much more comfortable than taking the moulds. Then they also took some photos of me and had me smile etc, I felt like a true model!

It is almost 11 right now and I have had 3 sips of water. But also one glass of juice and I am on my third cup of coffee. So at least I have had some liquids.

My weight had gone up a lot today morning, and I really upset me. Even though I know I overate last night etc. Oh well. I guess I need to get used to it.

But honestly thinking back to my Tartu trip I feel really positive. Or like, yeah, yesterday was a difficult day for example, but it was nice to remember Tartu and I made myself go back there in my mind, thinking that see, normailty is possible. It did help a little. Tomorrow I also have my psychologist appointment and I feel like this will be the first meeting I won't be bawling my eyes out, haha. :D

Also it is my sixth day of not working out. Yesterday I felt SUPER guilty because of it, but I didn't go to the gym, I just didn't have the time. In the evening I did think that damn, I should have, but nah. It is not mandatory and I have this compensation from work for my gym membership so it doesn't matter if I don't go to the gym for a week or something. Actually I would like to go today, but I know I won't have the time for it. But tomorrow I think I finally will be able to go. :D It is kind of good that I literally can't go. Because at one point it did start to become obsessive once more. Exactly like yesterday for the whole day I tried to talk myself out of making pasta - it seemed so scary, because I hadn't had it for a long time. And the portion was huge, I could have just made carrot-eggplant stew with cheese, but then I thought that NO,I WANT pasta. Weird how this is so low on my fear foods table, it used to be one of the scaries things. :D At the moment the first place is shared by rice and quinoa and such things, then it is vegan meat alternatives, then breads, then pasta and noodles and on fifth place there are potatoes. But honestly, I think I am really scared of only rice and quinoa and vegan meat. :D I don't even know why (or okay, I do, I just checked some vegan meat nutritional information).

Anyway yes. I wanted to talk about drinking water, but it is just so me - I start to write about everything else, hehe. :D

Again the last half a liter was difficult. But at the same time I also had a lot of food again in the evening and I was really bloated. I surprisingly still felt thirsty so I finished the day with a glass of water. It was really weird without soda, I am always used to having a bottle after dinner and snacks. :D It is weird to sit without it, hahaha. :D

Thursday

It is last day of this challenge and let's see how it goes then. At the moment it is 10:30 am and I have taken two sips of water. I also need to leave work earlier today in order to see my psychologist, so I need to try and drink more. :D I know I won't do so well at home.

But also I would really like to go to the gym today after 7 days and I would be having water there for sure.

Recently I have this stupid habit of only drinking coffee with chocolate milk. I will try to go for normal milk again now. But it is difficult. :D Like last night at around 8 pm I made some decaf coffee with chocolate milk and caramel syrup for myself, hahaha. :D

Also my weight had really gone up today morning. I am going for the middle of my normal weight range and it is scary. On Friday after work I will meet my friend and we said we would go and have some awesome flavoured coffees and my first thought was okay, I will go and see my doctor in the middle of the day so I "don't have time to have lunch". But no, I can't do that. Especially if I want to go to the gym today as well. I think this is how normal behaviour should be.

I am kind of afraid of Midsummer day next week... but oh well, what can I do. I will try and be more reasonable for the rest of the summer then. Overeating once or twice in a week seems to be my norm. I just wish my weight stopped going up already, but if I want this, I need to start restricting, but I don't want to do this and it is all so complicated. I just...

Today I also made a mistake of reading about people with EDs online and there were a lot of pictures and it made me so emotional. I mean, I look well now, but I kind of want to go back to where I was with my body. I feel like if I was really underweight, my eating would be more justified etc. :S

Okay, today drinking water has not gone very well and I need to leave work in a bit. I will try to drink some though, because I refuse to give up. Ah, what I have also discovered after I started having a lot of water - I feel constipated. :D :D :D I don't know, why, but I feel disgusting. In reality it should be the other way around...

Friday

I managed to have enough water yesterday, because I had a lot at the gym. :D And in the evening I also downed a glass before going to bed, because I just felt thirsty. Even though I had just finished off a lot of watermelon, but well, it is me with my black hole of a stomach.

Today I am already thinking that oh, I completed the challenge, I should have a soda. :D Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I feel like I could have something to celebrate Friday.

I didn't see much of a change in my five days of doing this challenge. My skin didn't get better, my stomach is still bloated a lot and my apetite seemed even higher than it was when I had sodas.

I cried a lot at my psychologist's. :D I don't know, how this is possible. She just asks the "right" things, like when she sees that something is bothering me and is stuck in my head and I try to lie/not say something/come up with something, she doesn't stop before she gets the bottom of it. And usually it comes with crying.

Yesterday she told me that in people, there are different characters - for example a critic, angry child, vulnerable child, happy child etc. And then my vulerable child came out of me and I just cried and cried. But it felt so good later.

After this I went to see my dentist and I got the moulds. Oh my god they are so uncomfy and I thought I will never be able to sleep with them, but I managed. At the moment I got to work a bit earlier and I just made coffee, I am looking at the moulds now and I think that they are like 1. fake teeth or 2. lenses for your teeth. Anyway they are really annoying. I just rediscovered gum and now later when I meet my friend I need to take the moulds out if I want to have coffee and then later put them back and argh. But well, doing this for my teeth!

My weight isn't going down at all. I don't really want it to go. But every morning when I step on the scale I still hope that it does. Yeah, still can't let it go.

But I have walked a lot less, this is new progress.

Also, a funny story. I went to the gym yesterday, right, and did something with dumbbells (because like, there were too many people and I felt too awkward to use the machines) and then two guys were talking about training different mucles. And then one of them said that they should run up the mountain (mäkkejooksu tegema) and I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't not say anything. So I said that when he said run up a mountain (mäkkejooksu), I thought you said run into McDonalds (mäkki jooksu). Then we all laughed and thought that it would be a great motivator and maybe we should aim for a McDonalds that is far away. They seemed like my kind of people, but it was pretty #awkward, now that I think about it.