I Won't Quote

I thought for a long time if I want to write about this topic, but came to the conclusion that why not. At the same time I want to warn you that this post has a lot to do with alcohol consumption, so proceed with caution.

I just wnat to be throughout and honest and write about these... taboo topics as well. Maybe it helps someone, makes them think or something. I don't know. I read one Estonian blog about ED recovery and relapse and I want to be just as honest as the author of this blog.

Alcohol and eating disorders have a strong connection. There is even a term that connects eating disorders with alcohol, called drunkorexia. You can read more about it on here.

Anyway, I wanted to say that simetimes I like to enjoy a glass on wine with my dinner. I admit that at first I skipped a snack to do so, exactly as the symptoms go - you think that you "save" caloreis on food and use them for drinking. But this is not okay, this is not good. It is not healthy to drink on an empty stomach (not that drinking is healthy overall, right) and it damages your body a lot. You will get drunk faster and it affects your organs more. It is the best not to go down on this path.

When I thought that through, I made wine to be an extra, fourth or fifth snack. And this was completely fine until I started gaining weight fast. After that I was back to restricting snacks, although not every single time. It is just... difficult to deal with this situation and find a good solution to it. The right thing to do would be not drink and eat healthily and enough, to get calories from FOOD. That is the whole point. At the moment I have this really difficult time and I need to tell these things to myself over and over again, or I... don't forget them, really, but anorexia thoughts will get the best of me.

I went to see a psychologist on Thursday and I was also weighed. I haven't gained weight now recently, but she was very happy that it had at least remained the same. Compared to previous times, where it constantly has gone down (except for the last time before this visit). This doesn't mean I can have easier time. If anything, it means I need to fight even more, get my weight up and keep at it. But I am so tired. I am so done with having these conversations with me and I don't feel as if there is much progress. I am just so frustrated at myself.

But yeah, during summer, there is more alcohol consumption than normally, I mean there are BBQs and events with family and friends. As I mentioned in the previous post, the work trip was indeed difficult. I have now gotten mostly over it, but right after that the guilt was crushing.

More about alcohol - I have Googled calories so many times. To know how much energy does a glass of wine or a bottle of beer gives. Yes, I have looked up cocktails with less calories and have done a lot of research. My head is full of information I can't seem to delete. But one day I will be back in a position where I can have a glass of cider with my friends and now feel guilty about later. Or have a glass of red wine with my dinner. Without feeling shit.

When I was younger, I had this period where I partied a lot, I don't know how it was possible to feel free during that time. :D I want  to be this free spirited Signe again, who is not bothered by these things. I want to have pizza, enjoy pasta, taste ice cream. I want, I want, I want. I want so many things. Every day I am taking steps towards it, so things are not too shabby to be honest.

In general whenever I see my doctor and have told about my feelings and emotions and my appointment is almost over, she brings out positive things that I should focus on. And this is good. Stuff often seems rough and I feel like a failure, there is a dark cloud over my head, but these thoughts, plans and stuff just give me a breather and it is a ray of sunshine in this dark world.

I don't have as much to write about this topic as I thought at first. Maybe because I am not a big drinker and usually what I have is just one glass of something, but yeah. I just wanted to note it down. I have gotten comments about "you are so brave for drinking wine", but I wanted to say that this has nothing to do with being brave and it is very-very difficult for me.

Now the first day of Tallinn Music Week is over and first concerts have been attended. I am quite... excited to write more about it. So many interesting artists who I have already seen and there is a lot to still come.

I thought that I would mention what I ordered from iHerb last time. I have ordered from there a few times, and been really happy. Most people seem to order food supplements, vitamins and so on, but I have only gotten food related things. :D

As I am now brave enough to add stuff to my porridge, then firstly I picked this peanut butter and cocoa powder. I tried it the next day and it was really good. I even tried a bit dry with my sister and we really liked it. Like, liked it a lot. My preferred method of having this product is in porridge, but I can imagine that it would also be good when added to yoghurt or something. Or milk. :D It would be peanut buttery hot chocolate and it sounds perfect.

Next I also got regular peanut butter powder. I also have this in my porridge or when I make a sauce out of this, soy sauce and garlic. This is genius combination and I can't wait to make a bowl with it, as I mentioned in my previous post. I also wanted to add that the taste is quite mild, so I add more than the recommended serving size.

Thirdly, and for the last thing this time, I ordered almond butter powder. This didn't have as many good reviews than the other things, but I wanted to try it out. Today morning I made porridge with marzipan flavour drops and this powder and I think it was genius. You also should use a lot more than recommended, because this is even milder tasting.

Once earlier I also got vanilla peanut butter powder, which I highly recommend. Again, really good when added to porridge. :D Anyway. I hope that at one point I will get to adding real peanut butter, but this is enough for now. I mean, even adding this is sometimes really difficult. But I am on my way to getting better! And I promise I will get to real cruncy peanut butter soon.

The other thing that I am too scared of adding, but really want to, is shredded coconut. I didn't have a problem with those for a long time, until I accidentally saw the calories it has. Within a day this was out of my diet. But now I got some frozen mango cubes and what would be a better tropical combo than mango, porridge and coconut?! I also have coconut flavour drops, but it is not it! Everyone who love coconut will probably agree.

Yesterday I went to the store and did get some coconut flakes. So next week I shall try and add them. I think I will manage, even though it will probably be difficult. Sometimes I get the thought that damn, it is nothing, this is just food, just a minor add-in, but the next moment I am like NOPE.

There are a lot more things in iHerb that I would like to try. For example there are many teas, coffees and seasonings that sound really interesting. I also got some pumpkin spice from there once, until I mixed my own later. It was convenient to order it, but making it yourself is much cheaper. I should bring out autumn spices for my porridges. :D Also I want to take pictures of my breakfasts to show how amazing they can be. :D Although they are not really picture-worthy sometimes. Also one thing I have been wanting to try but haven't yet, is rice porridge with matcha. My friend sent me some matcha and I also have some matcha latte sticks and I have used it in the porridge and I really liked it.

Anyways... everything is not positive. So I will write about my panic now.

We have this 2 day work thing, now this week. And until now it was okay, though I was a little stressed. I mean, I can't control what I am eating or drinking and so on. And then the panic came. It was completely random when my hands and LEGS started to shake and I couldn't breathe normally suddenly.

I was in the store at this time and it did not make the situation any more bearable. Yeah, I completely broke down. And I THINK it was all connected to food. The situation ended with me calling my sister and crying, unable to think or do anything. I don't understand what triggered this panic though - everything was okay and then suddenly this panic attack.

I haven't felt panic in a long time. Or emotions in general. Last time I saw my doctor it was actually nice to cry, but after it or before it I hadn't even really cried. I didn't feel sadness, anxiety, panic or anything. I just felt... numb. I mean, I felt guilty about eating sometimes, but it wasn't this physical thing, reaction. It was a mental fight inside my head. So this panic today came as a huge surprise.

But there was something nice that happened as well. I was at my friend's place and we were just sitting, watching TikToks, because sometimes we send them to each other, but there are some we hadn't shared. And I laughed!

Maybe it sounds weird to you, but for me... I laughed! I mean, I do laugh at jokes and make a good face, but there isn't this physical reaction of wanting to laugh. It is just this "polite laughter", when everyone around me laugh. But at that point I really felt that I WANTED to laugh. I needed to. Because the thing was generally funny. This kind of like tickles me. :D I know it sounds strange and you probably don't understand, but this was shocking to me. I thought about it all day and felt nice and warm inside. :D

I want to really tell my eating disorder that it has been paused again. I want to not worry over the work trip. Or not to worry about eating there, at least. I want to be in the moment, take in what I want, drink what I feel like and not think about the calories or how much others eat.

But there has been a bit of a relapse going on. I have so much more GUILT, it is really difficult to deal with it. I haven't felt this "I don't care" for a while and everything... has become so complicated. I feel like I am back at the beginning. I haven't skipped meals or snacks, but they have become smaller, snacks have been halved and so on. Now for a few days I have been really good again and back at the food and snack game, but the mental fight is harder amd I am unable to catch my breath. Even when thinking about something else, the next moment I am back to square one with the guilt and I feel really hysterical.

It is difficult like this. I knew that these low points were coming, it can't all be smooth sailing. The healing doesn't happen overnight. It is not like you wake up in the morning ang you are well. I just didn't expect this... being so sudden.

Now it is Monday morning and I am feeling a bit calmer. At least I don't have this physical panic any more. I rememeber last year during summer I felt this panic so much, it was like 3-4 days of panic attack in a row. At least I am not in that position right now anymore.

But yes. I wanted to share that everything is now good and sometimes I am not motivated and I have a lot of negative thoughts. I think this outing will be fine and I am not really worried anymore, I only hate this guilt I know that is coming after it. This after-guilt is a lot stronger and more annoying. But I don't know, I guess I just need to think that I will get back to my of rhythm and everything will go well. I will try to focus on something else and see what happens.

Have you ever ordered from iHerb? Is there anything interesting that caught your eye?

Me and my sister went out for dinner and we picked a cafe, which was 100% vegan and what I have been wanting to visit for forever, as I have heard so many good things about it.

Atmosphere

Commune Cafe atmosphere and interior are amazing. It was really nice, a bit hipster, but not too much. Kind of minimalistic. I really liked that they have a lot of plants and a lot of room, tables are not too close together. I really liked they used a lot of wood and even dishes matched with the environment.

At the cafe it wasn't too cold or too warm, even though the door was open and we could hear some cars. It did not bother us, though, we barely noticed it and in general the place was really comfy. The location is good as well, and it was nice to see that even on Monday evening the place was quite full. At the same time there weren't too many people so we still managed to get a table. I really don't like to book a table in advance, because I am never sure if I make it in time. Maybe something comes up. I really like to just walk in and get a seat.

Service

Service... was not too good. I honestly felt like an annoying fly and seemed to ruin the waitress' mood. :D We still got our food quite fast and it looked absolutely delicious. Also the cakes they had on offer looked fantastic. I think that maybe the waitress just had a bad day. I have worked in a restaurant myself and I know how it can be. Anyway, I can't tell more about the service.

The owner of the cafe contacted me, though, and I told her about our visit. It was really sweet and I really appreciate it. :) And as I said, I am not holding it against them and I am sure I will visit the place again in the near future.

Food

Me and my sister both got Buddga bowl, which had roasted sesame seed covered smoked tofu, quinoa, peanut butter-lime sauce, edamame beans, avocado, broccoli, sugar snap beas, salad, and roasted cashews.

And it was really good! REALLY good. Everything fit together so well! At first I thought that there was too much sauce and I will probably leave some, but it was amazing and if anything, there was too little of it. And I hadn't had smoked tofu before and it was super delicious!

There were some more things in the menu that I would like to try. For example English breakfast that has beyond meat sausage and I have been wanting to try this for ages. Ramen also seemed so good. So at least two more visits. :D

In general going out to eat caused me a lot of stress, because on the weekend we already went to eat in Little India and I in general had had a lot of food. My last post here was really motivating and so on, but on the same evening the situation got really hard. I had a lot of food guilt and it was difficult to handle my thoughts. It is still difficult right now - I have so much guilt and my motivation is completely gone. I want to go back to where I was...

It calmed me a bit that my sister had the same food as I did. Of course it would have been good to try different  things, as we could have tasted each other's. But this was good as well. In addition to this, we had some vegan ice creams at home and when my sister suggested it, she told me that she could see how it made me upset. Because it was hard, very hard. But in general this was good time and I really like going out for food. We thought that we could visit a new place like this every month. To break me free from the routine and challenge me. But at the same time I want to go back to the same place, as there were many things I would still like to try... But there are a lot of other places I want to visit as well. She wanted to pick a place herself next time, though. :D I don't really have anything against it - giving away control even more.

Also, we thought that we can make something similar at home. I guess it wouldn't be as good, but it was a good insporation. We usually make these kind of bowl dishes with salsa or soy sauce and mayo (for some weird reason this is such a good combo!), but why not use peanutbutter? We really like it with savoury food, for example I have made a sauce of it for spring rolls and my sister still sometimes talks about it. :D

Haven't made any bowl dishes recently, but for some time it was our favourite meal. Just to mix things together in a bowl. Our most favourite one was susho bowl, where all the ingredients are just mixed together. Who has the patience to roll it, am I right? :D

Now I have been making a lot of zucchini dishes, and there will be a lot more soon, because we still have two small ones and one giant one left.

Firstly I made zucchini and tomato bake with onion, which came out amazing. In the recipe it also says you can top it with cheese, which I did. But I would say that it didn't make it much better, so the vegan version is good as well. (Just slice some tomatoes, onion and zucchini, put them in the baking dish, brush some oil on top and add pepper and salt and other flavourings. Bake for 25 minutes in 200 degrees.) With it, I made some fresh tomato-sour cream salad and yum, it was really good!

I added a lot of parsley as well, that is why it looks so green. :D But yeah, we really liked it! 

The next evening we had a really weird combo of food, as I made grilled cheese and oven baked zucchini. I marinated the zucchini in soy sauce, apple cider vinegar, olive oil, garlic and pepper mix for around an hour. Then I roasted it in 225 degrees for about 20-25 minutes. And ready it was. We really liked it once again! And I would say that the more garlic it has, the better. :D

And lastly I made this zucchini stew, and I was lazy and just added onion, garlic and tomato sauce with peppers and mushrooms. It was so good. I used my trusty multi cooker which I have not used in a while. And for the first time I set my own program, meaning I put it on 200 degrees and let it cook for 35 minutes.

Multi cooker is a nice thing. :D On the side I had some more salad, because we have a lot of tomatoes we need to use up. :D

Anyway, there are many more things I want to try. For example oven omelette with zucchini, zucchini curry, and of course pasta and so on. Well, I'll get around to it. It seems that the zucchinis stay fresh for quite some time, so there is time. And also I want to make zucchini burgers someone mentioned in my blog comments... :)

If I only could get over my weird guilt. I just don't understand, it is so overwhelming. For example yesterday I had a lot of guilt over gooseberries. Like, for real. I hope that this is not a start of a relapse, because I am fighting so hard. But the fact I felt better for some time made me feel so nice so now it is extra difficult. I thought that the high was going to last a bit longer.

I am a little stressed about my work trip. I mean, I will not have any control over food and drinks and so on. I keep thinking that I want this to be over already... I want routine. It is weird. Sometimes I think that I want to do many things and go to many places, but at the same time I want my calm routine. I like when I get to go home after work and having not to do anything. I am all the time so fucking tired. Maybe it is because of it. I really look forward to "my time" when I get home and get to sit online or read a book or something. Even on Friday or Saturday evenings, I just want to go home instead of going out. I just don't have anough strength/or even want to do anything. Sometimes I am embarrassed to say this. I don't want to offend anyone. But... it is what it is. I can't help it. And then there is my mum. She is always like "go somewhere, do something". And then when she asks that "weren't you supposed to go there" and I say that yeah, I thought about it, but didn't want to, she replies with "ohhh no", "you should have" and so on. :D And it causes some axtra guilt. As if I didn't have enough of it. :D

I mean I get it that it is nice to go to places and do things, but I don't want to do it all the time. Especially right now. I have a lot I need to deal with, I need to fight this disorder and I just use all of my energy on it. And if I went somewhere or met up with someone, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the moment, because my mind has a lot of other stuff to deal with. And then I feel that I would rather be at home and fight my fights, instead of making others feel miserable. I don't know, it makes a lot of sence in my head. I understand that I can't do this for forever and I should meet people, but I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH. I don't know how some people do something every single day. I mean, I can do it, if I force myself. But on some occasions I just want to be by myself. :D

I don't know where all this came from, but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out.

Weekend was... a challenge. I'll get to that.

Weekend... made no sense. I really didn't expect anything like this. Like seriously: we found a turtle from our garden. (It also made the news!)

This was a moment where you were thinking if you are dreaming or not. I was at home and about to put apple cake/pie in the oven and I was supposed to go outside to pick some apples. The next moment my mum bangs on the kitchen window and waves her hand. I am like, okay, what is going on and look outside. She points at the apple tree. And there I can see... maybe a hedgehog? But it is big? The next moment I realise it is a TURTLE. We grabbed our phones (me, my sister and dad) and ran outside.

A big turtle just ate an apple. Like really got into it. At first we thought that we shouldn't go too near, because it may be scared of us. But the little guy ran to my dad (who used to have a turtle when he was small!). The turtle was quite fast, but in sunny and warm days thet are really active. Anyway, we picked it up (actually just moved it a little, so it wouldn't escape) and asked neighbours and people living nearby if they have lost their pet. No one knew where it came from.

I googled what to do in this kind of situation and there was an article saying that you should contact your local shelter. It was Saturday of course and they only acted in rare cases. But they did call me back after I left a message, saying that "you have a surprise guest, can we come and pick it up". :D They picked it up quite fast. I really hope that thanks to my Facebook post and article on the news it will get home soon. :D

The challenge was making apple pie. As I mentione in my last post, I decided to make curd cream and apple pie.

I should have used a bigger pan, because it was too small for this. :D At first it didn't seem like it was, but well. It tasted amazing, though. The recipes from this one site never fail. I am also going to make another dish from their page tomorrow, so I will probably post about that too.

Anyway, I had two pieces with ice cream on the first day (I paused my eating disorder again).

Even my dad, who doesn't really like cakes, had several pieces. So everyone really liked it. I sent the recipe to my mum as well, because she really loved it. Anyway, I have come to realise that baking is awesome. We brought a lot of apples from Viljandi and I already thought that if we can't eat them all, I will bake again. I am not a fan of Estonia's traditional apple pie, because I have had it so much, but there are loads of cool recipes online.

Anyway yes, this was quite hard. I have gained 1,2 kgs during this weekend. I know that it won't all stick with me, but still... it is difficult. But at the same time I weighed myself today morning and discovered this and my reaction was... okay then. OKAY THEN? WHO AM I? I don't recognize myself!

When parents brought us to Tallinn, we went to have some food at Little India. I picked vegetable thali and it was amazing. Hadn't been to Little India in a while, so it was super nice. But still, I don't know. How is it possible that I didn't care about my weight in the morning? What is going on? I made porridge and added cherries and cocoa and I didn't even feel like I needed to restrict at all, which was new. This makes no sense. Yesterday evening I did think that tomorrow I will do this and that and skip a meal and make a lighter breakfast and so on, but then the time comes, I weigh myself and I just don't care? Like, what the heck. :D I don't understand. Is this how normal people feel? Is this how normal people act?!

What can I say. This is funny.

I explained to my friend the other day that I am done. I am done with this illness. I have had these kind of moments before as well, but it hit me extra hard on this day. I am so done. I felt so motivated and told her a lot about my thoughts and I thought I will write down some things here as well.

I have been talking about my eating disorder forever and forever and I am finally too tired of it. I don't want to keep repeating how difficult it is and how many guilty feelings I have and how hard it is to eat and getting out of my routine and soooooo on. Yes, it is very difficult. I know I am at the very beginning of this journey, because well, I am. I haven't been able to break through myself. Maybe it would have been different if I stayed at the hospital for longer. Maybe I would have gotten better sooner. Maybe I would be a success story already and tell all the positive things. Maybe.

My weight has gone up compared to yesterday, and now a few hundred grams, but a whole half oa kilo. And this number scared me at first and I got these thoughts of needing to restrict again and so on. And then I was like, why. I should be happy that this has happened. I am so done with worrying over this number. I am so done. What does this number actually show? Like, I don't know. And now it is another day and the number has been the same, meaning I have really gained weight. Okay, it is bothering me, but I can't be without weighing myself either. But at least now I feel like I can handle the bigger number. I have also discovered recently that my brain is functioning better, my thoughts are not all over the place and I can focus better. At work people have told me that I seem to be more alive and happer and some of my cases have gotten positive feedback from the boss. This overweights the number on the scale. I feel more energetic.

At the same time sometimes, like yesterday, I am so tired. Somehow it seems that the more I eat, the more tired I am. I don't know if it makes sense. Maybe it is that my body is finally working on healing itself and for that it needs rest. I have heard about this from other ill people. That before things get better, there is a period of being tired and you just need to push through. I guess it may be true.

The same friend I talked to, gave me a good read here and there are some things that made me think. It is a story about someone dealing with an eating disorder and it has been devided into chapters by questions. It is a good read, if you want to know more about eating disorders.

Anyway, what works for me is that if I eat properly one day, then it is easier to do the same on the next. If I eat less, then I immediately have this "but yesterday I ate less, meaning I should eat even less today". Weird, but it has been coded into my brain so heavily.

What else... I have thought that maybe I would like to learn nutrition. Be useful, help others. But what kind of food coach would I be if I looked like this? Who would trust me? I need to look normal for people to have anu faith in me.

I want to be inspiring, couraging, successful. I want to show that getting better is possible and it can be done on your own and that things will get better as a result. I want... to share my success story. I have discussed this with many of my friends - there is no point in blogging, if nothing changes.

So yes, I hope my weight won't drop back down. And it didn't, at least not for now! This gain was bigger than I expected, but it is better to go through it right now, instead of dropping a few hundred grams and then feel better and then feel shitty again after another gain. If there is wight gain to happen, it should happen right away. I am tired of just being, stressing out, feeling guilty and soooo on. So I still had big breakfast, I picked some chocolates to take with me to work and I just think: whatever. I will live on. And if I really don't like myself as a bigger person or when I get really angry at myself or, I don't know, I get fat, I can lose some weight again. :D I have shown that I can do this. But at the same time I think losing weight would be really difficult, because I really like my snacks and meals. :D I couldn't give up rice crackers, chocolates, yoghurts, kohuke again... So I think I will keep this up. This is a good habit.

Now I am going to my parents' place for the weekend and I try to pause my eating disorder once more. I told it that well, until the end of the month I don't want to deal with you. And if you want toe be more present, then at least not until 27th when I have the next doctor's appointment. I am kind of excited to show them my progress! Finally they will believe that I can handle it and that I am taking steps towards recovery.

Made some bread to take with me. It kind of exploded a little. I used more liquid dough this time and it seems that the result is a lot better. If I taste it, I can say more, but it seems softer and fluffier.

I also decided I will bake a cake at my parents'. I picked one curd cream-apple cake. My mum said that apples are starting to be ripe and this seems like a great idea. Also, I want to bake more. Me and sister don't eat that much baked goods, but I want to try and make a lot of different things! I can bake for work at least. :D I don't think there is a person who wouldn't like some cake.

Got a lot of vegetables from my sister's friend - tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchinis, bell peppers. These zucchinis are HUGE, but I am already excited to cook with them. I looked up so many cool recipes to try. Next week I want to make zucchini-mushrooms stew, salad, zucchini burgers, zucchini-tomato bake, grilled and baked zucchini... :D I have a lot of ideas. So at one point I will post some recipes I think, it I wrote this down for future blog post ideas.

How is it going with walking? Very well. Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should walk more, especially when I don't have anything to do, but I have been stopping myself. I have used more public transport and tried not to feel guilty over it. And honestly, if you start moving less, it becomes easier. Like the first time I walked 10 000 steps instead of 20 000 I felt really shitty, but it has become easier now. And so on. And now for some days I have walked less than 10k. And I am so done with stressing over it.

Walking is nice, I really like to listen to a podcast and then walk somewhere, but I can do this when I, for example, design my bullet journal or something. I don't know, I am not really into listening to music these days (unless I drink some wine at home :D). I also did apply to be press at Tallinn Music Week though, I was a press a few years ago and it was really cool experience!

I also thought about shopping a lot and what I have discovered. I have this... general panic that I will run out of things. Even if I have a lot of something, for example mayo or ketchup or fresh veggies, I still think that I need to buy more, stock up... this is so weird. But at the same time it makes sense as my brain is in survival mode, it gets only little food and it keeps thinking that I need to make sure there is enough of everything. And then I buy like a kilo of tomatoes and they just sit in my fridge. :D Of course it is nice to have enough things, but it sometimes annoys me. For example when I plan foods for an entire week, because if I don't I am really stressed. And the next days, even when I have evetything, I STILL go to the store and stock up on something. That is why I have a lot of stock and snacks - chocolates, waffers, peanuts, chips and so on. I just buy everything, even though I don't use the tings fast. I want to break free from it.

I really like going to food stores in general. It is nice and it is cool to discover new things and enjoy food and I love that I like cooking, but yes. I think it is a bit too obsessive.

Anyway, I will definitely make a post about zucchini foods. And there are some other topics I want to write about. I have some ideas, I just need to fulfil them.

On Monday me and my sister will go to this 100% vegan cafe, which I have been wanting to visit for a while now. Exciting. The only thing is that I can't decide on what I want to have, there are so many options but at the same time they seem so calorific. :D 

Anyway, yes. This is a completely pointless, emotional post.

There is lot to talk about Instagram and food. For example that I have so-called "food instragram" or I could tell you about what kind of food instragrammers I follow and recommend others to follow as well. Maybe at one point I will post about it... have to remember this idea.

But this time I wanted to talk about a challenge I did, where I added polls to my Instagram stories, which made up my menu. :D

I did it quite low key, as I had ideas for food, but I let people pick sides or stuff like this.

Anyway, we started with the breakfast - porridge. People could pick between rye flakes, rice flakes and millet flakes. I would have liked rye flakes the best, because these normal kind of grains are my favourites. But the winner was...

Rice flakes! But well, hadn't had them for a long time. :D Next I had some additional questions about my breakfast. For example what kind of berries do I add, what kind of flavouring do I use and what kind of add-ins I also add.

It was chai spice, from berries it was strawberries and from flavourings peanut butter. I still added banana myself, because I love bananas and bananas taste good. :D But anyway, most of the things were picked by followers. It didn't go exactly as I hoped. It was difficult that people picked chai spice, as if you looked at the calories, it was most calorific. :D I was surprised that redcurrants only got 3 votes, and I didn't know what to think about flavour drops. Anyway, it was really nice to have a different porridge for a change. I should make this poll more often, when I can't pick anything myself. :D

I ordered some steel cut oats from iherb, but I just cannot find the parcel???!?!?! Regarding iherb, I ordered some new things, which should arrive around 21st of August. So I will show what I got here as well. :D

The next question was about my morning snack, where I let people pick between chocolate and rice waffles with apple and cinnamon, which are one of my favourite snacks ever. And despite what I thought, rice crisps won!

Next I think was lunch, which was sandwitches and of course my second cup of coffee! I found some more coffees I have at home later, but I let people pick between regular coffee, Christmas coffee, blueberry coffee and choco-mint coffee. And choco-mint one won, yay! My favourite. :D And regarding sandwiches I asked if I should have them with cheese or cream cheese and with tomato or cucumber. :D I don't have a picture of it, as honestly, people who can take good pictures of sandwiches - I applaud you, please teach me as well. :D

The order of these pictrues is a bit messed up, but it doesn't matter really. You understand. :D I think it is not as important.

Then it was time for my afternoon snack, where I let people pick between peaches and cherries. I got new kind of peaches - yellow ones. Which were white on the inside. I hadn't tried these kind before. This also lets you know that peaches won. :D

Next, as this was Saturday and a challenge, I wanted to know if I should enjoy wine or beer. In general I have become such a wine-person recently, but sometimes I would like to enjoy a craft beer. Also I think this question had most votes. :D Anyway, wine won! And I wanted to use this to advertise my favourite white wine.

The same brand has really good red wines as well, highly recommend. But with hot weather I prefer white.

Then it was dinner time where I was going to have potato burgers with cabbage filling and salad, and I asked if my salad shall be with apple cider vinegar or mayo (mayo won) and if I should add pickles, sauerkraut or both (both won).

The day was ended with some tea, which wasn't my favourite, but I still had it. I guess I would still only give it 4/10. My friend sent me a parcel recently and it had a lot of different teas again, so I have been trying those. :D

After dinner I legit had about 1,5 kilos of watermelon, but I didn't add any polls regarding it.

How was this challenge in general? It was really fun to come up with the questions and see who voted for what. I would like to repeat this when I go out to eat, to help me pick something from the menu. :D But I don't have many followers and I would probably have to wait for forever to make a decision like this. :D But well, it is a possibility.

It was difficult as well, because it seemed that options more difficult for me were constantly winning. But it is good, it was supposed to be a challenge.

I still haven't written about the small goals I set to myself and how I have been doing with them. My last goals were to try new vegan products - I have done this. I try to have a new thing every week. I think in a future post I will tell about vegan burgers I have been trying.

Second goal was to break my routine and third one was to enjoy my vacation. I think I managed quite well with those. As I described previously, my eating disorder was paused and well, it went as it went. Routine, meaning three meals and three snacks, was completely broken. Which was kind of good, as not that I am back the routine is bavk as well. And I have started overthinking again. But at the same time I have been taking easier. Also I have gained weight. Regarding this - I hope I am not getting negative feedback that I haven't been eating enough or somethng. Because even eating like this has made my weight go up. At the moment I am heaviest that I have been in many many months.

Regarding this I want to set a new goal, which is REALLY DIFFICULT.

Anyway, the goal is:

I will move less. I will try not to fir 25 thousand steps as I did for some time. I won't try and hit 20k steps either. Or 15k or 10k. Okay, okay. This is maybe too much, but I have been reducing my steps by a thousand each day recently (it is crazy how much time I waste on JUST WALKING AROUND. I feel weird writing it down...). But anyway, I will try to aim for under 10k steps. It would be perfect if I could manage it. Anyway, next goal is to deal with this need to move. I thought I can start setting up a new bullet journal or something, instead of walking. We shall see how this goes.

Also, are there any good food Instagrams to follow for inspiration? I don't want to follow fitness accounts, because these are triggering, but something like recipe accounts would be lush. You can recommend me some! Especially Estonian ones, to be honest.

I decided to do something different for a change and I think I have done it previously as well? I don't remember. But anyway I decided to pick two of the most popular horoscopes both in Estonian and in English.

And I know it isn't exactly a week, but... almost! :D

But instead of reading my horoscope in the morning and program myself accordingly, I decided to read them at night and see if they really fulfilled themselves. :D

I am taurus and I am born on 13th of May.

Before I get started - do you read horoscopes? I used to do it in the morning at one point, but when the horoscope didn't say nice things, my mood dropped and I made my day miserable myself. :D But in general I don't believe in them much. Only thing I do believe, though, is that I can't get along with scorpios and usually scorpios really match with their horoscopes. :D

Anyway, I took Estonian horoscopes from here and English horoscopes from here.

Monday

You can startle people with your open mindness today. Try to be more gentle in your approach and pay more attention to other needs.

Well this is strange, considering I didn't have any plans for today and I didn't really talk to anyone. :D I was home alone, went for a walk, cleaned and did laundry. I hope I didn't startle anyone. :D But yeah, this did not match.

Aug 3, 2020 - Catch the wave of activity that's spinning in your direction today, Taurus. You'll find prosperity and good fortune within your reach. Expand your horizons and connect with others intellectually. Hurdles will shrink to nothing as long as you maintain a positive attitude. It will be tremendously easy for you to make great strides in any project you're working on.

The only project I am working on is my blog... so there was progress with it, as I posted on Monday. :D But in general, this did not match with today. Actually it is kind of sad I am not working this week, as this would have fit well. The only thing I can seem to take away from today is that I should be more positive. :D

Tuesday

You are so sure about yourself that it may be inevitable. Try to think before you act.

Again, I did NOTHING. Went to town for a moment, visited some second hand stores... there was nothing inevitable happening. :D And I am never sure in myself. Again, this did not match at all, as I did pretty much norhing. If this keeps up, nothing will fit. But this only makes me more certain that horoscopes are not real. :D There was a time I thought they are pretty good at predicting things but well... 

Aug 4, 2020 - You may feel especially lonely, overworked, and passionate today, Taurus, and therefore longing for the company of your romantic partner. But responsibilities involving you both could well be keeping you apart. This could be more than frustrating - it could make you gloomy. Don't let that happen. Concentrate on your work and finish before evening. You'll see your friend then if possible.

First of all, I don't have a romantic partner. :D I don't know who this horoscope is meant for, as it is not me and it doesn't seem to be general enough. I will also say again that I am on a vacation, so it doesn't make sense to talk about work. Work with myself maybe? But this never ends...

Wednesday

It is good time to change your job. There is progress in group work. You are open and ready to communicate with different people.

As I am actively looking for a new job, it is good to know. :D At the same time I didn't do much today, but I hope this good prediction lasts. I wish. Regarding communication and group work I don't know. I went to visit a friend, but we didn't work in a group. :D But I got a new bread starter from her, as I used all of my own by accident. I added flour and stirred and then realised I didn't take new starter for the next time. :D But it is nice of her to help me out, I at first gave starter to her when we first started baking bread. :D

Aug 5, 2020 - People around you are apt to be touchy, Taurus, so be careful how you interact with them. You'll find that they can see beyond any sort of facade and easily detect dissention within the ranks. Be honest about your opinion, regardless of how you think it will be received. This is your best approach to a certain situation, especially since the truth will surface no matter what.

I don't know why, but these horoscopes from this English page are always so... scary. :D And never match with my day, they more like seem to give advise on what and how to do. So reading them in the evenings seems rather pointless.

Thursday

You may underestimate a person who can become your enemy. Try to keep up to date with what is happening!

I don't know, I don't seem to have any enemies. I met with friends today instead and met with one of their new puppies, a dalmatian! Anyway, this horoscope is bullshit. :D

Aug 6, 2020 - Mornings aren't usually your best time, Taurus. You aren't fully awake until afternoon. Try not to discount the events of this particular morning, however. More than likely, you'll enjoy your best mental clarity sometime before noon. Surprise people with an upbeat attitude and a solution for every problem that comes your way.

LIES! I am a morning person. Even during my vacation I wake up at 8 or before that, and honestly, my time to shine is in the mornings. At the evenings after 9 I am completely useless.

In general what would I say about these horoscopes? That they are shit. Maybe someone somewhere actually can make proper predictions, but I have had no luck finding these kind of people or knowledge.

At the same time, if you want to, check your horoscope. If it is good, you usually set yourself up for a good day. It all depends on how you think.

Anyway, yes. This short challenge between all the other posts. Next time I thought I will write about what I usually eat in a day, but if there are any other topics you would like to read about, please please please let me know. I am in a funk and can't come up with enough stuff.

Yesterday at my friend's there was actually a huge challenge for me. She made us pasta with garlic-oil dressing and it mixed two of my biggest fears... but yea, new post on Friday. :)

Yep. I told my eating disorder that okay, now when I am going to Viljandi until I will be back in Tallinn, you are paused and then we will see how we will continue. Then we will restrict again and will get back to where we were. 

I don't know about you, but when I go to visit my parents or we go somewhere, all eating, snacking and overeating is really easy to go down. I don't understand people who say they lose weight during a holiday. In group, people are keeping their eyes on my very carefully and I am being monitored, it is impossible to skip meals or have something different. Food is being prepared and you need to have it, even if you don't want to. There is no possibility to make your own choices. So the only way to deal with it is to pause your eating disorder.

Now that I am back in Tallinn, it is still paused - until my vacation is over. (It is over now, I am just late to translating this post, sorry about that.)

How has it been? It has not been paused 100%. I may have a chat with my disorder, but it is so difficult. Everything is still fucking difficult. My weight has gone up by a kilo during my vacation and it is fucking with my mind. And during the vacation as well, I had many tears-filled days and I had such overhwelming guilt... so I can't say it was fully paused. But I tried to make it be. What I also did was not talking about food. My mum even complimented me, saying that I didn't make a huge deal out of eating and I managed quite well. Doesn't matter that I cried when I was alone...

Anyway, yeah. 

First food related stop for us was at Muhu, where I wanted to go to this handmade ice cream shop. By company LaMuu.

My mum and sister had an ice cream in a waffle cone, but it is difficult to eat something like this with braces (I need to remove the elastics for it and I didn't have anywhere to put them), so I picked just three flavours in a cup. I tried black ice cream, which was flavoured as white chocolate, beer flavoured ice cream and fake Nutella (vegan) ice cream. I really liked them all and others agreed that the fake Nutella one was the best. :D

I got a lot of guilty feelings from it. Not at first, but later. After that we went to adventure park, Kaali crater and hotel and then my mum and sister started to say that they are hungry, even though we just were supposed to visit Sõrve lighthouse and then go and have dinner. And at home in the morning we ate a lot and then the ice cream was a lot too. Still, we went to the store and...

This was the most difficult thing during our trip. They had some sandwiches, which I have also liked to have, but everything was with meat. And they did not allow me to skip this meal. This was the moment where we had a little fight and I was really disappointed they didn't respect my decision. I couldn't even enjoy the pancakes, as I was too upset.

For dinner we went to Saaremaa Veski. I picked vegan thing from the menu, which was chickpea burgers with sweet potato fries. And I tried one craft beer. The food was amazing and my sister and mum also enjoyed what they had picked.

It was a huge portion and I was really full, but I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter and at the hospital we ate even more. I was extra good and had some bread and butter on the side as well.

After that we went to the hotel and had different snacks, rye bread crisps, pistachios, chips and dip and drank wine. During having these things it is not difficult, but it is so later, especially the next day when I get waves of guilt. I didn't express it in words, I just sent my sister some messages about feeling bad and awful and uncomfortable an guilty.

The next morning we had breakfast buffee, which again meant having so much food. And then we had some snack, but main meal we had at Hiiumaa, in Rannapaargu restaurant.

I would have really liked to have grilled salmon, but they had ran out of it. Vegan selection waas burger with sweet potato fries and chickpea patty, and I didn't want to have the same stuff again. So I picked some fish cutlets with fresh potatoes and mayo sauce and salad. I really liked it. I didn't have too many guilty feelings at that point, and I was quite hungry. My mum and sister were again happy with their selection as well. All in all I would say I liked Saaremaa Veski more, but this was not bad.

After that we looked around for a bit to see if there was a cafe or something nearby, but we didn't have time to go in the end.

Instead we had coffee and cake on the ferry...

Pickng the cake was really difficult and I think I would have liked something else, but as others had this, I felt that it is allowed for me as well. Even though I could have had anything, really... I don't know. Anyway, this cake was not the best thing I have ever had. It was too sweet and not sweet enough at the same time and it was in general kind of weird. If I had picked this cake when others had something different though, it would have been even more difficult. And in reality I have been thinking that I want to have chocolate cake... I don't knowwww. It would have been better if we had been in an actual cafe.

At home in Viljandi we grilled some sausages and I got vegan sausages. These are really good. My dad had one and he also said that he couldn't tell it wasn't meat.

Grilling it added an extra smiky flavour and it was amazing. Even though making it in the oven works well too. Anyway, it was nice to sit outside, drink some wine or beer and just chat. This is my favourite part of barbeque.

Now that I am eating mushrooms, mum made fresh potatoes with chatarelles. This was so good. I had two full plates...

But now I am back in Tallinn and my rhythm has gone back to normal for me. I missed it so much. To have some sort of plan for the days.

At the same time I really managed to break free from having 3 meals and 3-4 snacks. It went better than I expected. But still, it was difficult... and gaining weight after the vacation. Gah. Mentally it has been exhausting. And my "eating disorder is paused" doesn't really help any more, I guess the week free from it was an absolute stretch.

But I was good and on the first full day in Tallinn I still made some proper breakfast porridge. I brought a lot of gooseberries from home, and also some blackcurrants. I really enjoy my breakfasts and they are on next level thanks to fresh berries.

With cocoa and blackcurrants. And today morning I made the same with vanilla peanut butter. And my porridge servings are also bigger than they used to be. This is also progress.

I have a new deal with my friend as well. I said that I can't gain so much weight so fast, as our current plan had me do. I just find it mentally too hard. So now my goal is to gain a kilo in two weeks, when he still continues with losing 2 to 2,5 kilos in two weeks.

But all in all, I have been doing well. Now today it is Monday and I should start a new challenge, but I just can't come up with any. :D But I feel like I need to, because that is the essence of my blog. I will try and come up with something.

I have tried some new vegan products, but I am not going to talk about them in this post.

Anyway, I am glad that this stressful part of the vacation is over. But I am also feeling sad. I discovered that I didn't think about food all the time and some moments, for example having meals at the restaurant with others, were kind of easy. And also... gaining one kilo per week was not the worst thing that could have happened. Besides I had a goal, agreement, to do that... and on the sixth I went to see my doctor so now I could finally show them some results. I have always just sat in their office, repeating "next time, next time"...

Also I wanted to write about one more thing. I need a new job. And I would like to do something to express myself, but I have a feeling there is NO SUCH JOB. And I don't know what else I would like to do. I am so lost. Does anyone else ever feel lke this? How to get out of this funk? Argh.

But well. Now I have written down everything about these guilty feelings and foods. And now some days have passed and I am feeling better. At least for now. And I need to be in "now!. What is the point of stressing over the past or future? You cannot change the past and you don't know what is to come.