I Won't Quote

 Yep.

Probably everyone are thinking that this is not a good idea, your health isn't the best yet, you shouldn't move at all and so on. And I guess it is true to some degree. I shouldn't move too much or too fast. So I have strict rules about what I am allowed to do and what not. I talked to my psychologist about it, and also my doctor. They agreed I should join a gym and attend yoga classes.

So that is what I am doing! This time I picked 24/7 Fitness, as one of the clubs is really near to my home and workplace. I will just pack my clothes with me and go to yoga after work. And if there are not classes on that day, I can go to other location.

Already the first time when I went to yoga class, my mental state became a lot better. I felt as if I had control over my life again, like I had succeeded in something. It felt so good and simple and nice! Also I had a very challenging day at work, and the only thought that kept me going was that I can go to yoga after it.

Yes, of course I could just follow online videos, as I have done before. But this is not it. I need someone to teach me, show me and help me with modifications. And this is the best done with a trainer in place.

Also I can see other people, how they look like. I see those who don't necessarily attend the classes, but who are just running, using the bike or doing other exercises.

On Monday I wanted to go to stretching class, but it was cancelled due to lack of people registering. I thought of just going to the gym and doing something else, but I stopped myself, knowing this is not a right thing to do.

And the next day toga class took place. And I discovered during the last exercise, that I wasn't thinking about anything. I had been completely free from thoughts for 45 minutes. It was so weird, but felt amazing. I am constantly thinking and worrying about things. It helps to just go for a walk, but I haven't felt so rested from my thoughts in a while. The coach asked in the end how I liked the class and said that it seems as if I was in the right place in the right time. And I am so grateful for that.

In general I really like the staff there. They are all so nice, sincere and always give feedback. They often show modifications to people who are not as flexible (like me :D). So I have been really pleased with all the classes I have attended.

Once I went to pilates class as well, which was a little more challenging than yoga. But at the same time I like them both. I still need to stop myself from attending classes every single day. I have the feeling as if I need to go. But it is important for me to take care both of my physical and mental health. And I want to work out because I like it, not because my eating disorder is forcing me. As time has shown, even without working out I haven't gained too much weight.

I have discovered that I am hungrier and eat more when I go to yoga. I have been feeling really guilty about it. And this adds to the stress of having different meals than my sister. But oh well, until now I have felt the bad feelings and just gone forward. I haven't been as stuck as I was before.

So yeah, I will continue going to yoga classes and getting better. I have shown to myself that I don't have to go to gym every day. I still somehow feel that if I have been to on one day, I NEED to go on other day as well, but I have managed to stop myself. I usually go to yoga about 2 times per week, and this is enough.

I feel good. I am super motivated on those days. It is fun.

Let's see how my seven day challenge went. :D 

First food thing in my list was a cake, which I had at work and at home the next day. And it was absolutely delicious. It was better than the one I made at my parents'. Maybe it was a good change that I used pears instead of apples. Anyway, others at work really liked it was well and it was finished before the day ended. :) The next day my sister's friend came over and they ordered sushi (I didn't join them in the end), and tried the cake too. They both loved it. Also, the most adorable thing was that my co-worker sent me a mail to say that it was absolutely delicious and added that I should make it another time as well. I will remember. :D

Next thing was pasta, which I think was the scariest thing in the list. I still don't know why... probably because I haven't had it in a while and haven't made anything with noodles recently. Anyway I made pasta with mushrooms, tomatoes, garlic, zucchini and topped it off with feta cheese. I got this habit of adding feta from a friend who we were in Oslo together and cooked at airbnb. It goes really well! And pasta is super good. The portion seemed huge, even though I added less pasta than the recommended amount, even. :D I don't know if this makes any sense. But yeah, usually when I make pasta, I make it enough for the whole town. :D But this gave me a good reassurance that I can have pasta and more than I think. Also at one point I even thought about this pasta-vegetable thing I had at the hospital in Tartu and thought that it was pretty normal food. Anyway, yes, time to make more pastas!

Also in my list there were liquid calories. I think I want to challenge this more often. So, on Friday before we had dinner, me and my sister enjoyed a glass of wine and some cheese. This was of course extra for me and it was quite difficult. It wasn't difficult to have it, but I had a lot of guilt later. But again, I thought that this was one time thing and it won't change anything in the grand scheme of things. I don't drink wine every day or have cheese every day, sometimes you are allowed to do this. Also food has such a huge social aspect in it. All kinds of meeting and hangouts usually are connected to food. And thus you should consider separate eating patterns - some for simply enery, some for socializing. And both of them are important. I don't want to be someone to say no to a snack for the rest of my life. I want to join in with people and do what others are doing.

Next was pizza, which we made at home. Again, I topped the pizza with mushrooms, bell peppers, tomatoes and a lot of cheese and herbs. It was diffiult too, but not as hard as pasta. And we had it right after it. But as I challenged pasta the previous day, the next difficult  thing - pizza - was not as difficult any more suddenly. So yeah, comparing it, it was much easier. Also it maybe helped that I had already had same kind of pizza another day. Also it was really cute that when I went to do the dishes, my sister said that "this was so good, but there is no more, what do we do now". :D In general I feel much better when someone compliments my cooking and the guilt kind of gets out of the way like this. It kind of takes the focus of off how much food I have had. :D

Then came cookies, to which a lot of people recommended different places for. But my holidays started and I didn't want to go to town, so I had something easier and just got Milka chocolate chip cookies. And I had THREE of those. At first I thought I would have one. Then I thought I will have two, but in the end I ate three. :D Besides, someone needs to eat them all, right. I need to remind myself sometimes that I am allowed to have as many as I want. I guess for me it would be advised to have the whole packet. Cookies are actually really good. Recently I have been having a lot of fresh things as snacks and it is kind of difficult to let this habit go. So this is a good challenge. Besides I really love chocolate!

I thought that jam will be easy. I mean, I add bananas, frozen fruits and berries to my oatmeal all the time, so I thought this will be no big deal. But in reality this was one of the most difficult things. Firstly my plan failed, as I couldn't open the jar. I picked my mum made blackcurrant ham. But on this day I was good and added cocoa powder and coconut flakes to my porridge instead. But on the next day I managed to open the jar and added some jam to my breakfast. It also was more difficult that instead of oatmeal I had rice porridge instead. I don't do it very often, thus it has become challenging. But somehow rice porridge goes with jam better in my head. I also added some pumpkin pie spice to it. And then it all started: I felt as if I added too much jam. It has a lot of sugar in it. I shouldn't have added banana on top of it. And so on and so on. And I thought about this the whole day. And felt guilty over it. Even during having dinner I felt guilty. But this exact thing makes me want to challenge myself again and have jam again tomorrow. I want to get over this silly fear. This week has proven to be so helpful. For example fries don't scare me at all anymore. Pizza is fine. Pasta is surprising. I think sweet things like jam, cake and liquid calories are the most difficult.

And finally, fries. I bought those frozen sweet potato fries and made the whole bag at once. And these were really good! Completely different from making your own from potatoes. They were soft and delicious and matched well with garlic ketchup and mayo. And honestly, it wasn't half as bad as I was afraid. Even after dinner I didn't feel guilty. Sometimes these challenges are so surprising - things that you think, are the most scared of, turn out to be completely fine.

Anyway, I am really pleased with this challenge. Actually, it would be nice to take another seven things - I am sure there are many more - and repeat this challenge. But now I will try to write down next 7 challenges for myself! And it won't be just food items, but more like situations I want to complete. Let's see.

1. Have rice several days in a row.

I don't know why, but I am only okay with having potatoes on several days in a row. It feels much safer. I don't know, I can't imagine having rixe or quinoa or pasta for several days. Only potatoes are fine like this. :D And I honestly don't know why that is. But I have made potatoes for many times now and I want to give myself a new challenge already.

2. Have a snack that is more than 200 calories.

Since they told us at the hospital that a snack has to be 200 to 300 calories, I have always maxed out on 200. This is kind of like a rule I have made for myself. Like when I have a chocolate bar that is 202 calories, in my head it is already too much. :D Makes no sense, I know. But it is what it is. So a good challenge.

3. Have peanuts or chips.

I mean, peanuts have as many calories as chocolate, considering the 100 grams. Maybe a bit more. But chocolate doesn't seem scary, while peanuts seem to be the worst thing in the world. My friend sent me honey and pepper roasted nuts, which I still haven't had... I guess it is time to try them out..

4. Have lunch or cake out.

I am not brave enough to do the both things, but I want to do one. I have been dreaming about going to a cafe or a restaurant and have daily offer. I have also thought how cool it would be to go out, have cafe latte and a piece of cake. I promised to my friend who works in a cafe that I will go and have something. So I got to do it.

5. Have days off gym.

Because at the moment it is very difficult. When I go to yoga class on one day, then I immediately feel that I NEED to go the next day as well. This is stupid. That is why it is good that my health has made me stay at home on some days. Like I haven been spending the whole 24 hours at home on some days, I have only been to a store to stock up on watermelon. :D And there are days in life when you can't go to the gym and work out. To not have guilty feelings, it is important to challenge myself like this. Also I thought that I will have a rhytm where I will go to gym 3 days per working week. I know this would help me go through difficult days at work. Because sometimes the only thing that saves me is the thought of "I get to go to yoga after work". A post about gym life is coming soon.

6. Go to sleep later.

This is completely random and I bet everyone are thinking like how is this connected to your eating disorder? I am surprised myself. I think I have talked about this previously as well, but in general is that on the evening I already start looking forward to breakfast. Instead of having something more. And then I go to sleep early to wake up and have breakfast??? Instead I should honor my hunger and have food if I want it.

7. Have a vegan day of eating.

I really want to make another vegan challenge, so this would be the first step towards it. I already have a lot of ideas and I guess I could make a separate post about it later too. Would it be interesting? It would show what I have in a day. :D Could be fun. But if I don't make a separate post, this would still be a good challenge!

Last week I set these three short-term goals as well, which I thought about going over briefly as well.

First I wanted to have proper three meals and snacks (at least). And I have done this. Yesterday was kind of difficult - I had lunch at one and snack at three, but I hadn't had my snack at 11. Instead of skipping it though, I had it around five. So I really managed this goal well this week. And I have done the same on other days. Besides if I skip something on one day, starting having it again is really tough.

My second goal was to literally only go to yoga classes, which I kind of kept at. On one day I went to pilates class instead of yoga. I just really wanted to do something. I really took it easy though, and if I was too tired to complete a move, I just lay down and waited. I think it is okay. But I will go to more yoga classes in the future. I am really glad that all the trainers have been so nice and classes have gone by really fast. But I will have a separate post about it,

And the next goals was to have less carbinated drinks, which I didn't succeed at. On one day I was completely good and only had water and tea. And the next day I had TERRIBLE headache. I don't know if it is because I am so used to Coca Cola and it has cafeine, but I kind of made this connection. So on the next day I gave up and had my drink. I really want to not have it as much. I tried drinking just carbonated water, but it is not it. I am annoyed with myself. And honestly, it does cost a lot if you see the amounts of soft drinks I have. :D I thought about having LESS every day, bur knowing me... I am always the one to cut things out completely, going cold turkey. Let's see if I am more successful in the future.

Anyway, this is that. Let's see how my next challenge goes!

I don't know why, but I feel like I haven't written for YEARS, even though I just did it on Monday. :D Also I wouldn't say a lot has happened either, so I don't know why I am feeling like this.

Yesterday I saw my psychologist, who was super happy that I had gained a kilo from our last appointment. It made me feel proud and I wasn't upset at all - this was surprising.

Then... I started going to yoga! But I thought about making a separate post about it. In general I can say that I love it and it is like... I don't know, I feel like I am in control of my own life again. Until now everyone have said that I can't work out, but as I have gained weight and I want to know my body better, I decided to try it. And just knowing that "after work I am going to a yoga class" has helped me through several awful days. And finally it is something in addition to work-home-work-home grind. This is helpful.

I really liked my alphabet challenge. I want to do something similar to this... and then I thought for a while about what I can do, that would be similar, but not the same. Finally I decided on 7 days and having 7 fear foods during this time. I will try and make a list about 7 scariest things.

So here is the list and on next Friday I will post about how I did. I don't know if I will have them in order as I write them down, but I will see.

1. Cake/pie

I don't know why this is so scary for me. Maybe because whenever you look up cake calories, it is a lot more than a regular snack. Today it is my last day at work before vacation and I decided to make pear-curd cream cake for others to try and to challenge myself. :D So my first snack today will be cake... and I am nervous. But I have to do it and I can't restrict in any way. This is normal. This is okay. Sometimes you just have a cake and there is even a reason for it - I am going on a vacation. And I have already thought that I will have TWO SLICES, one before lunch and the other after lunch. :D At least I don't have to worry about what to have as a snack!

2. Pasta

Pasta is still very high on my fear foods list. I also got the pasta that has the recommended serving size on it, and calories for it. But I think that maybe this is a good challenge in itself - I need to ignore this and have exactly as much as I want to and feel like I need. These portion sizes are just that - a recommendations. Besides, people are different, people use up more or less energy, preferance about food is also different. People's sizes are also very different. You can't possibly think that there is the same serving size for a man weighing 90 kgs and for a woman weighing 55 kgs. So this recommendation is shit!

3. Liquid calories

Another thing I have not challenged in a while. This could be juice, smoothie, cocktail, cocoa, some other drink. We shall see what I feel like and what I can have. This is probably one of the biggest fears as well and I think it is a fear for a lot of people suffering from an ED. You can only get over this if you practice it. You need to do this again and again until it is not scary any more. For example I would really like to try bubble tea, I have been waiting to try it from the beginning of this year already... :D

4. Pizza

I have had it on some occasions and once even made it at home, but I still feel like this is high on the fear foods list. I don't know if we will get a takeaway, buy frozen pizza or make some ourself, but I need to have it. I have always thought that pizza is so overrated and just "meh", but whenever I have it, I am like THIS IS SO GOOD. Also for a while I have been thinking of having another pizza from Mega Hea Pizza place, and have one full one for myself, not to share. We shall see how this goes, but I hope that it will go well.

5. Cookies

I don't know how many times I have stand in front of cookies at the store and thought that I just want some, but I have been too scared. Or I have thought that I don't want to get a full package, as I want to try different things, not to have the same cookies every day. But I feel like maybe I should, to get over this fear for once. Somehow cookies are more difficult than chocolate, peanut bars or something similar. I don't know why. Ideally I would like to go out with someone, have a nice BIG and TASTY cookie and a cup of coffee... yep. So, any volunteers to go and have cookies with me? :D

6. Jam

You are probably thinking that what do you mean jam?! I am thinking the same... but my usual porridge is with banana, frozen berries or fruits and this kind of stuff. With jam, I always think that it has extra sugar and it is not as healthy. But I want to break this idea down, and add jam to my porridge in addition to everything else. I have so many good jars I have gotten from my mum or grandma or relatives and friends and I need to have them. So it is about time. I really thought for a long time to come up with this, but yes. I think it is a good thing to challenge. :D

7. Fries

I am very specific with this. For quite some time we made fries ourself. Like I just cut up some potatoes, added seasonings and put them in the oven. But at the same time there are pre-cut fries in stores, you just need to put them in the oven for a little while. And I have been dying to try sweet potato fries. And for some reason I have been too scared of them. I thought that once it is written down here, I need to do it. I feel like this is also a good challenge and a perfect way to finish off this list.

But in general, yeah. These are the seven things I am going to have in seven days. I bet it will be difficult, especially due to my vacation, when I lose the structure of my normal days. I always feel a bit lost during holidays.

Also it would be cool to write down some general goals again. And then I can comment on if I fulfilled them. So maybe this week I try...

1. I will eat at least three meals and three snacks every single day. I am writing this down just in case, to remind myself that I have to be strict with myself during the vacation. There are already thoughts of restriction in my head.
2. I only go to yoga classes. No running, no biking, no more active workouts. Even though I would LOVE to do them. No, Signe. This is not okay. You need to keep at it for a little while longer. Look at the people around you in the gym, how they look like and how they train. This is a goal.
3. I will have less soft drinks. This is not directly connected with my weight, but my soda drinking level is a bit too high. :D

On Monday I shall see how I have kept at it and where I am. Tomorrow is already a bit more difficult - my sister will have a friend over and they are ordering sushi. I am thinking if I should take part in it, or keep at my own meals? I mean, it would be nice but... I haven't had much rice recently and sushi is so easy to eat. I will maybe have too much and so on. I need to think about it. At the same time it would be easy, as I would have the same stuff they are having and it is simpler. Oeh. Why can't anything be simple?! :D

Anyway, I don't know. I am feeling rather positive at the moment. It is Friday. I have a vacation coming up. Yoga is nice. I have control over myself.

Also I am going to see a flat today!

I wish you good end to your week!!

The fact that I haven't written about challenges in a while does not mean that I am not challenging myself. I have, so much. Every day is a challenge for me and this in a literal sense of the word.

For example it was a challenge for me when I made salad for myself and my sister and I picked a fish that had 30 calories more than the other one. During these kind of moments I need to write or tell it to someone. So I sent my sister a message, saying that you know what I did? I picked an ingredient with more calories. And then she replied with well done and that it has to be like this and it helped me.

For example it was a challenge for me when my coworker offered me a candy and I accepted it in addition to my regular snacks and meals. It was a really nice chocolate truffle and I am glad I had it, but when I was about to do this, I was really stressed. I felt guilty. But it was good and I enjoyed it.

For example for ime it was a challenge to finally add shredded coconut to my porridge. This pack had been in my cupboard for like two weeks, and I FINALLY used them. And it was so good. Amazing. I don't know why I was so scared. The taste is much more important than the fear. :D

For example it was difficult for me when I wanted to make pizza at home. I thought about this the whole day, considering other options. Something with no dough, something that had less calories but would still be tasty... and then I tried to convince myself that it is okay and I need to gain weight and I need to have more calorific things. And it was really difficult. Until the moment I actually started cooking. I motivated myself with the fact that I already had the ingredients and I needed to use them, I can't waste them, I have spent money on them. This seems to help me in general - when I buy something, I KNOW I need to have it as well.

For example it has been really difficult when I haven't walked enough. If I walk less than ten thousand steps. Immediately I get guilty emotions and I feel really shit in general. I keep thinking that I need to go for a walk, need to do something, need to act. It doesn't even matter if I have walked more the previous day and it should average out to be 10k. Nope. Every day I need to pass 10k steps. But... I have not done it on purpose.I have walked less and less. Even on this pizza day I walked less. And not like a few steps less, but a few thousand steps less. And after this it became easier. The next day I already thought that it doesn't matter if I don't reach the goal. It doesn't matter how much I walk. The fact that I walk 7000 steps instead of 10 000 doesn't make me gain crazy amount of weight.! This doesn't work like this, even though my eating disorder tells me it does.

For example it has been a challenge when on some mornings - like today - my weight is up by a kilo. But this is weird too. When I last gained 300 grams I felt a lot shittier than gaining 1 kg. :D I mean, this won't all stick, but I was surprised at myself. I was just like "okay then".

I had this difficult period and I couldn't handle things well for a while. And now I have finally found this "I don't care"-Signe again, who is happy to exist.

For example sometimes it is a challenge to take cafe latte in a cafe with someone. I have written about this before - there is milk and lots of it and I should just pick normal coffee with little milk! Sometimes, during my darkest times, I have thought about having black coffee, but I just can't handle it. Milk coffee and me - we belong together.

For example it is a challenge when my sister eats less than me. Today is a good example - I went to the store for her and got her chicken salad or something. And randomly my eyes went to the nutrition label and I saw immediately that it was less than my lunch. And then I got these thoughts that I shouldn't have more than her. What the heck - I can't eat more than others?! If someone has a spoonful of rice, will I start to count the rice grains, because no, I can't have more than them? This is stupid.

For example it is a challenge for me when I go out to eat with someone and the other person leaves some food. I immediately think that they must "save calories", even though this is the last thing in their mind probably? They just doesn't want more, they are full, they don't find it tasty enough - these are more normal reasons for it. I am the one who thinks that they must save calories. And then the next thought is that I should probably leave some too, because god forbid I have some more. And at the same time I keep thinking that "how can they leave this food behind, aren't they hungry?" Because I almost always want to have everything and more.

For example it is a challenge for me to have a drink with my food that is not water or tea. For example having a cocktail, juice, milk or something like that. It seems so unnecessary, even thought it may be good...

Anyway yeah, my days are filled with challenges. Every moment that is related to food is a challenge. And even during the moments I am not eating, I am still thinking about food. I keep thinking about rules and I keep feeling "fat" or I just keep talking down to myself, saying I am greedy and have too much food. Or there is just this regular guilt.

It is quite difficult to exist like this. :D

As it was my sister's birthday on 31st of August, we needed to celebrate it. For that, in the morning I booked us a table at F-Hoone. I have been there a few times before and the menu seemed really good, something for the both of us.

Atmosphere

We were super lucky! We got a separated table by the window and I have been wanting to be seated there from the first time I visited this restaurant. :D Finally it happened. We made ourselves look pretty - it was a birthday! - and getting to our table, we were pleasantly surprised.

F-Hoone was full of people as almist always. Even though it was Monday evening at 18:30. :D Anyway, I am glad they are doing well. The rooms there are big and made by bricks, but people's chat can't really be heard and it is like a nice white noise. :D

Menu is also really good, and I especally liked that it had vegetarian and vegan options brought out separately. And it has a wide selection of drinks. Actually, picking a drink took us the longest. :D

Service

Our server was a really nice girl! Honestly, it was really nice and a lot different from our last dinner out. :D 

Anyway, we managed to pick out meals, but picking drinks was really difficult. She came to ask at the right time, if we have decided, and also gave out good suggestions. Finally we did pick according to her suggestions and we were not disappinted. And I really liked that she didn't come to our table too often to ask, if everything was okay. In the end, yes, but not constantly while we were eating. :D This has happened before.

So yeah, the service was really good.

Food

For food, my sister picked Nasi Goreng, meaning Indonesian fried rice with chicken and I took Vegan Furger (rye bread bun with vegan kebab, beetroot hummus, prsley-chilliaioli, tomato and red onion. With additional sweet potato fries).

Honestly I haven't had such a giid meal in a while. My sister was also please with her selection, but the thing I had!!! This kebab was so real, even my sister was like, is this actually vegan. :D Anyway, it was also quite big of a challenge at the same time.

I have been thinking for a while that I want to go to a restaurant and have a burger. I have always been jealous of people who have just done it. I have always thought that this is not meant for me. But why? I have no idea. It is allowed! It doesn't matter that it had hummus. It doesn't matter it had deep fried sweet potato fries (they were amazing!), it doesn't matter that it had roasted onion on top. This all was so good together and I was really pleased. I got full enough, but not too much. Everything was enough and the combination of foods perfect. Honestly, I really recommend this to both vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters. You won't regret it.

I don't know if the fact that for burger buns were of rye bread made it easier or tougher... honestly, I think it made it more difficult. White bread or normal burger buns are usually lighter and have less calories than bread. (Honestly I wish I didn't know this, but I do...) So yeah, a challenge.

But on this day I was very good and had all of my meals and snacks and didn't pass on anything. Which is huge for me. I really wanted to skip something, but I didn't do it. I send pictures my sister as well, like see, this is my morning snack (chocolate), this is my lunch and this is my lunch snack (also chocolate).

Then we also wanted to have something to drink and we really thought about everything from cider to lemonade to beer and wine and cocktails. Our waitress recommended two cocktails: Chilli Queen (which my sister picked and that had hibiskus gin, rose lemonade, chilli syrup, lemon juice and basil) and Rosebud (which had Crafter's gin, rose lemonade, thyme, rosebuds and lime juice. I asked them to skip the thyme as I have a trauma from it. :D).

We picked two different drinks so we could try more stuff. I think I liked the one my sister got more - as the time passed, it became more spicy and it was really interesting. Anyway, I highly recommend those. Other cocktails in the list seemed interesting as well, but as I am gin fan, I was pleased. My sister was also happy with our selections.

Recently it seems that we have been out for food quite often, but it happens. I want to try more places. List is long, and I do have time, but I feel bad for spending so much. :D In reality I would like this blog to just be reviews of restaurants.

Also, at one point I watched some youtuber with an eating disorder and she talked about how she got better. She said that during the most difficult time, she always ate out. Just to take this load of deciding about how much to have away. Also she said she always ate everything that she ordered, which I also do. Because if I leave something once, I get this feeling that the next time I need to leave more or the same amount and so on. That is why I never make food for 2 days at home as well. Because I don't know how much I would have to leave for the next day and so on. It makes me stressed. What if I want to have more food today? Then there is not enough for tomorrow. What will I add to it then? Also it is good to eat out because the portions are usually bigger than I would get for myself and I need to eat more to gain weight. So win-win.

So, who wants to go and eat something with me?

Saturday

On Saturday the concertst started quite earlt - at 15:30 already. Before those, I went to the town to pop by my favourite coffee vagon, Roots coffee bar. During the corona quarantine, they had a really cool "coffee window" where me and my friend went several times (basically you ordered through a window and they sent your coffee down in a basket). Anyway, really cool people, good coffee and cool idea.

After that, I went to Telliskivi again and decided to go to F-Hoone, where there were performances by LAGI records company, who base on rap and hip hop.

Firstly it was time for Apollo, who I don't even know what to say about. I quite liked it, even though the words were... quite boring to be honest. It wasn't anything specail. It kind of reminded me some Norwegian artists, which was a big plus, because I am a fan. Especially Norwegian hip hop and rap. The artist seemed like a nice person and I was sad there wasn't more people listening to him.

In general I thought that the weaker artists were more during the day and that they will get better as time goes by, but it was the opposite. :'D I hope I am not too strict, but this is how I felt.

Next it was time for Kriipsu-Uku, whose words I just didn't understand. But they said that the music tracks are also made by him, which was cool. He had a nice style. When I interviewed Tommy Tee a few years ago, he said that the beat is the most important thing when creating a song and Kriipsu-Uku had done this. I don't know what else to say about him.

Next it was turn of NEO, who I don't even remember. I guess he was similar to the others, meaning nothing special. At this point I also felt that I was too tired of listening to the same kind of stuff, I didn't even stand up to listen to the artists, not to mention taking pictures. I thought of moving somewhere else, but there weren't any other concerts at that point yet. So I stuck around. After him it was turn of Manna, who I really did want to see.

Manna was good. If there wasn't her performance, I would have been really disappointed in this day. It was really nice to see a female artist. Her presence, songs and everything was different and fresh. Finally I gathered enough strength to stand up and jam along! I think we will hear about her in the future. She is worth it.

Then it was väike kelder's turn, where they had a lot of memebers but what was quite terrible. :D I am really sorry, please forgive me! One song was acceptable, but in general it felt as if they really missed the tone? I mean, it was as if they were yelling along to a song in a club. This wasn't enjoyable. I think they have a lot of room to grow and get better. But this one song shows that at least they COULD do something better as well.

And finally I listened to the Kaw, but I really couldn't do more than him. His songs were just okay, I can't bring out anything specific. Anyway in general all of the artists mashed together in my head and I think it was just too much too fast. But in general, this day wasn't too bad either. It will be interesting to see where they go from here, definitely. At one point I am sure we will hear about them.

Anyway, I recommend checking out Manna and give a chance to Apollo. Regarding others, I am a bit doubtful, but they can prove me wrong.

Then for the last concert I picked Mari Kalkun, and she was awesome. It started to rain, but this didn't ruin the experience. She is really different and enjoyable and it was really good to listen to her, a change from all this hip hop and rap. This is very Estonian and simple. Exciting.

Unfortunately I didn't go and see anyone else after her, because I was cold and tired and I was so tired. Tallinn Music Week definitely wasn't what it was in 2018.

Like in general I expected a lot more artists or names that I had heard before. This year wasn't so good. There weren't many "main" events, there was no vibe of 2018. So I would say that the level has gone down. But at the same time I understand this - it was supposed to happen in spring and a lot of artists couldn't come due to corona. So I guess they still did their best. But I am sure that there is room for progress.

I really hope I get a chance to participate more events like this and share my thoughts. I really would like if people read this, lived it with me and enjoy it. I want only good things to happen to all of the performers, I want them to get what they deserve. I want to share a positive message and be happy with them.

Anyway, I wrote down quite a list of artists I would like to listen to in the future!

Friday

On Friday I wanted to see Kristjan Järvi and Ott Lepland, but it appeared that for this concert you needed an extra ticket. I didn't want to get it, as it was quite short performance and the price was simply not worth it. I am a bit sad and I wish they had told this to press in advance...

Instead, I went to Telliskivi again to listen to a Finnish artist named Tomi Saario. I had listened to some of his songs preciously and I was quite excited to see him live. He has a good, carrying voice and I really liked his presence. Songs in general talked about love, which I couldn't really align with, but it did seem that he was master at putting words together. It was a joy to listen to him. At the same time I would say that his performance was like a one long song, because it was all in the same style and it kind of became one. But he was pretty good and I do recommend checking him out. Maybe he reminded me a bit of Ed Sheeran, to be complerely honest. And I am not a big fan of Ed, so yeah... :D But it was nice!

Next I thought to listen to Ariadne, but instead I decided to pop by F-Hoone to see what is jonas.f.k about... and this was the first surprise of the night! I don't understand why they have so few likes on their Facebook! This was awesome and it seemed that the people loved it. It was kind of like a mix of pop, electronic and alternative music. The singer had such a good stage presence, he pulled the people in, everyone seemed to lean forward, as if he was to drop the secret of a lifetime. And his... "I don't care" appearance... it matched so well. Anyway, I am OBSESSED!

As jonas.f.k made such a good appearance, I decided to stick around and see what else TIKS records has to offer. And the next performer was EiK. EiK was called... a rapper who is not a rapper. And the first song... I didn't like. It was kind of telling a poem in music and I am not a fan of poetry. But I decided to stick around and give him another chance and I am super glad I did it! Because the next songs were amazing and overwhelming in a good way. It was like music, like poetry, like songs - everything together. Best way to enjoy these three things. This was a great surprise for me! I don't understand how he has so few fans once again. :D I wish that my post made at least one person to check him out. Then I can say my work is done in this world. :D EiK is definitely not for everyone, but even people who don't like him have to admit that he has some serious skills.

In addition I wanted to listen to a lot more artists on Friday, but my health was concerning and told me that this was enough. I don't know if I was too tired or what was up, but I just couldn't stay and listen for more. Instead I headed home. Besides, if I was really sick, I didn't want to spread it. At the same time the next day I was completely fine, so I saw a lot more performances and I still feel good. I guess it was just that I was super tired from the work week, but what can you do. I wish it didn't happen. But at the same time... I am happy. I am happy that I saw the artists that I mentioned. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself and think that I need to see every single artist from the time performances start until the next morning. I want to enjoy music and doing it under pressure is not it. It loses it's magic when forced.

Also I have tried to stop writing down what exactly I like. I don't say that EiK's rhythm was good or jonas.f.k's guitar solo made my fingers tingle. I want to just tell people that their music is cool, worth a listen, exciting, different, amazing, surprising, living. I want people to listen to their music simply because they like it. I don't have to tell why I like it - it can be as simple as "I just like it".

One more day and then I will write more about the music and my mental health in regards to it. :)

Today's post is a little different, as I was press representative at Tallinn Music Week.

Thursday

TMW hit it off on Thursday, 27.08. At first it was supposed to happen in March-April, but due to corona it was postponed. I can totally understand this. At the same time I am really sad that a lot of the foreigh artists couldn't come even now, because they set this 2 week quarantine norm again. So mostly it was all about Estonian artists, with some odd ones out (for example Latvian, Finnish, Norwegian and I think one Hungarian).

Firstly on Thursday I attended Carnival Youth's concert, who performed at Telliskivi Creative City in an open air. We were lucky with the weather - it was a bit chilly, but it was clear and not rainy at least. This would have been awful. What can I say about them though... it was a nice band. It was a bit weird that I enjoyed some songs a lot, but didn't care at all about the others. They had a lot of different things going on. At the same time I think it is positive, because everyone can find something they like. But I don't think I have come across a lot of bands whose songs I really like and dislike at the same time. Anyway, it was a good start to the festival.

Next, it was INGER's performance, who had quite decent songs. I saw her on Estonian TV, but I didn't know much of her. This was nice, chill music. I really liked some of the songs a lot, while others just left me with no particular emotion. Also, there were quite a few people listening, which was sad, but also good - with the corona and all. Anyway, Inger was really sweet, she seemed a bit stressed and nervous, but this made her very charming and warm.

At one point I decided to move on and went to Fotografiska to listen to Puuluup. And this was a huge surprise! I haven't heard anything as interesting and different in a long while, I highly recommend you to check them out. People were living for it, they were dancing and everyone were completely obsessed. Neozombiepostfolk is indeed a word to describe them. I would really love to just attend their solo concert, if I happened to come across one. I am really glad for them!

In addition to these concerts, I wanted to see what Kadri Voorand was all about, but... it wasn't something I enjoyed at all. I can't even describe it - maybe in some different context I would like it (like when I had dinner at a restaurant and she was playing live?), but on this evening it wasn't anything special to be honest. Of course her music has something that is beautiful and likable, but I don't know, maybe I was too tired already or had listened to way too much music already, but this just didn't sit well with me. :D

I randomly talked to one music producer from Italy, who really liked Estonia and who was really excited he happened to be here during Tallinn Music Week. We talked about how sad it is that most people can't earn a living working only with music. A lot of the journalists and producers and artists have a different job on the side. Like this Italian guy worked as a lawyer during the day.

I am not a person who would really start talking to strangers, but this was an interesting chat. At first he approached me to compliment my mask (I got one, because I thought that even if it doesn't help, it adds the feeling of security and maybe people won't actually bump into me when they see this) and then we got talking. These kind of chats are ALWAYS super interesting and I would love to talk to more people like him.