I Won't Quote

We also have those. People have their own worries and joy and they deal with them as well as they can. Some people have more troubles, some less. Just a few days ago I wrote down physical troubles connected to anorexia, now I wanted to write about mental troubles as well.

I want to highlight that I am seeing change in those already, and the ones in my list are the ones that I have personally dealt with. It is logical that no one lives the same life as I do, so maybe some other people don't have similar troubles. Maybe something is the same, but not all of it.

1. Depression

I have taken antidepressants since I finished high school, at first my family doctor prescribed them and then later my psychiatrist. I hope to get rid of the meds in the future, but at the moment I am really depending on them.

Also dealing with depression is connected to anorexia. All psychologists who I have seen have said that we cannot deal with the mental troubles before my weight has gone up, because my brain just doesn't have enough energy to deal wirh it. I understand that, because at the periods where I have been higher weight, there are kind of more room in my head to think. So I guess the doctors actually know what they are talking about. :D

2. Thinking is slow

I myself wouldn't have noticed it, but others have brought that out. For example my fried said that I always seem to repeat myself, as if I don't pay attention to what I have been saying. And I forget things people tell me.

Since this I have thought a bit over it and came to a realisation that this is true, my thinking is slow and it is difficult to think in general. For example I miss the point in meetings at work and also it is difficult to solve sudokus, even though I was really good at it.

This is again connected to the fact that all of the energy in my body is being used to keeping me alive and there is no energy left for thinking. And yeah, after having food or a snack thinking seems to go better.

3. Constantly thinking about food

In some aspects it is not all bad. Yes, I have been thinking that I live from one meal to other, after breakfast I start to think of lunch and so on. But I also check out a lot of recipes and read food related articles.

It is not that bad though, because I have found so many new things to cook and try. But I think overall I think about food too much and I have noticed that when I am comfortably full, I feel better and don't think about it as much. I especially noticed it in Japan - I didn't think of food and I had more space in my head for other things. I could focus better and do stuff that I actually enjoyed.

But I still believe this is not all bad. I like cookind and I think it is relaxing and also one quality trait!

4. I am easily irritated

Or generally feeling really moody. It is literally being "hangry" - angry and hungry at the same time.

I know that I may snap at people, like my sister. Why is the flat so messy, why hasn't she done the dishes and so on. But when I have had some food, I can think logically and say these things calmly and better.

5. Mu mood depends on my weight

This is absurd. But it is stille a factor. Whenever my weight has gone up - even if by 100 grams - my mood is awful. When it goes down or remains the same, I am fine.

For example today I gained 400 grams compared to yesterday and my first thought was that now I have to restrict my eating, even though I already planned everything... but no, I am not going to do that. I decided to stick with the plan today and face these stupid thoughts. We shall see what happens. Probably NOTHING will happen. Food is just food and I need to gain weight so this is a good thing!

If my weight also goes up tomorrow, I will still feel shit, but it is necessary. As I mentioned before, now this is easier to deal with. At the hospital I would have thought about it for the rest of the day, but now I am just thinking about it for a little while and then probably forget it. For real, I usually forget my weight during the day. :D

6. Compulsive moving

I don't know if it should go here or is it a physical trouble. But it is trouble nevertheless. I am addicted to moving around. I can't just sit down and do nothing. And I don't know if this is my eating disorder, depression or something else.

Walking is like a meditation for me, it helps me calm down when things are rough and it leaves me some room to think. But at the same time I know that on some days I go out just because I need to move and burn calories.

At the hospital this was one of the most difficult things to deal with - I was not allowed to go outside, or if I was, I had to be in a wheelchair. It was difficult to get used to this routine for TWO MONTHS. I was not allowed to move at all.

I am really looking forward to being able to run again... and for running itself, not for burning calories. I know this time will come. Sooner or later it will.



I met our local cat when walking around. He has a collar and his name is apparently Cookie.

I don't know if I left some things unmentioned, I bet I will remember when I have already posted. :D We shall see. If I forgot something, I can always make a new post.

White bread and bread were things that I was deadly afraid of before going to the hospital. I guess it also plays into that that all the news and magazines were saying "bread is bad for you", "don't eat wheat products" and so on. Even if I didn't let it affect me, it kind of stuck in my head. Thus I made the decision to not have bread. I often had salads for lunch, or - I have to admit - those 5 minute cup of soups, which are really unhealthy. They are worse than bread could ever be.

When I was at the hospital, me and my family went to have lunch together at one point. They offered  some home baked bread with seeds and butter and it was amazing. Also at the hospital we had 2 slices of bread at every meal. And this actually helped. It is true that you have to repeat eating your fear foods. When I hadn't bought bread when I was discharged, I probably would have started to be afraid of it again. But I did buy it and it was a great decision.

For lunches at work I started to make myself sandwiches. It was amazing. I usually had them with butter, cheese and cucumber or tomato, sometimes with hummus or something similar as well. Then came the period where I didn't have bread as much and I already could feel it becoming scary again... until i finally bought some new bread.

The moments where my sister made some toast in the morning, I always tohught that toast smelled so good. I craved for bread more than usually. With this illness, I think the more you forbid yourself, the more you start to want it. I think I could have a whole bread in a day and it would still not be enough. It is like this with many things that I have been wanting but haven't let myself have. I am constantly thinking about it.

For example when I haven't let myself have cheese, I start craving it. And when my mum came to visit us and we had some wine and cheese, I had to really be mindful and try not to just eat ALL the cheese. I finally let myself have it and I had it so much that I started feeling physically sick. I just couldn't stop.  So it would probably be better if I gave my body the things it wants. Constantly. But it is difficult. And I have no idea if any of this has a point that I have written down...

Now that I am at the home office due to corona virus, I decided to tackle my fear and bake bread myself. I happened to stumble on a recipe and I have translated it into English as well:







This recipe was good, because it had few ingredients and I had them all at home.



It had a lot of seeds in it, but seeds and nuts are really difficult for me, as they have a lot of calories in them (but at the same time they have a lot of GOOD fats and they are healthy in their essence. My mind still only focuses on calories though...). But anyway, I followed the recipe wholly and I didn't leave anything out (for example I thought oil was unneccessary). I made it as it was supposed to be made!



Right before going into the oven when I still let it rise for 30 minutes.



Added some extra seeds on top.

And it came out to be wonderful! Really really good. It was really... thick and nice. The taste was so good, especially with hummus and fresh spring onion. And with roasted bell peppers. Definitely one of my favourte breads! I am sure I will make it again in the future and probably will bake it for my parents as well when I go to visit them.



Of course with eating it came the feeling of guilt. Because, well, I cut myself some really thick slices and I had only had soup on the previous days. Was it a good idea to have bread now? There are more calories... and so on and so on. I am tired of myself sometimes. But at the same time part of me was really proud about baking this bread that it kind of made up for the feeling of guilt.

I really want to bake something else as well. I have been thinking about making healthy carrot cake or something similar, but at the moment I couldn't find a recipe that would not have tons of sugar. I will look into it more. Like, it would be nice to have Friday as a baking day like we did at the hospital. I also need to take into consideration that my sister doesn't eat wheat (honestly she just frustrates me sometimes) and this kind of sets boundaries for the cooking (as I will be unable to eat everything myself. I also don't have a big enough freezer to keep things there).

I guess for the next fear food I want to challenge pasta. I don't understand why it is so difficult to have this, but I can easily eat noodle dishes, woks and something like this. I just don't understand.

We all have them.

I have decided to write a little about the physical side of my eating disorder, how I am affected. I will try to kind of make a list and give an overview.

1. Injuries heal super slowly

Also it is very difficult with the braces - there are blisters in my mouth after they were put on my teeth on 12.03 and until now the situation still hasn't gotten better. It still hurts the same to eat. Maybe the blisters have become a little smaller, but I still can't see them healing.

I also cut into my finger while cooking the other day - or well, more than two weeks ago, but the wound is still there and has me wearing a bandaid.

This happens due to anorexia. My body has too little nutrients to help with healing. Also this is the reason the bruises appear really easily. All of the energy my body gets from the food is used up to keep me alive. Regarding skin, I can also say that my skin is really dry and cracking. Lotions help, but not too much.

2. It is cold all the time

Or most of the time at least. Except for when sun is shining right on top of you or you are being active or wear enough clothes to be warm.

Often people around me complain that they are too hot or I am thinking that wow, they are wearing so little clothes, how are they able to do this? Only in the sun during the summer or in the hot shower I finally feel warm. And just for a moment too.

I have been thinking about my obsession of drinking shit ton of tea and I have to say that partly I do it because I am cold all the freaking time. And at some points, when I got tired of tea, I actually just had hot water to drink.

With being cold, there is also a thing where your body grows small hair all over your body. I haven't noticed it on me, but it is a thing.

Also I have taken my temperature at some points, just out of the interest, but I wouldn't say my body temperature is lower. It is usually 36,3 degrees. But well, it used to be 36,7 usually.

Anyway yeah, calories turn into heat and if there are no calories, it is just cold. Also there is this weird night sweat thing. Whenever I pull myself together and eat properly (more than usual) during the day, I get terrible night sweats. This is also connected with hormones, but it really seems as if my body is confused about what to do with the exctra energy and thus turns it into heat. It is, in fact, a sign of recovery, by the way. As my body is starting to work properly.

3. Amenorrea

The lack of menstruation.

I don't even want to write it down how long I haven't had it, but you should know that it has been a case for a loooong time.

This is really dangerous and it is possible that I won't be able to have kids in the future. I don't even know if I really want to have kids in the future, but still, I don't want to fuck up my life for forever. Because what if...

Also it is said that you are not recovered until you get several periods in a row properly. Ah, by the way, a lot of people don't even lose their period so it is not something that must definitely happen.

4. It hurts to sit down

There is not muscle, you are basically sitting on your bones. It is the best to sit on a sofa or on a chair with a cushion, but this is not available all the time. So sometimes I pick standing up instead of sitting.

Also it is kind of painful to lean against edge of the table or similar; I usually just hit my bones agains them, getting a bruise that doesn't go away for a while.

5. After eating I feel in pain and uncomfortable

I am used to having a big portion of food, but it just doesn't have too many calories. Whenever I have something "heavier", I feel like something is pulling my skin on my stomach. I also could get nauseous, which I am not sure if I imagine it or if it is an actual thing.

This feeling of discomfort can last for hours or even all day. With this, I also get the urge to skip meals and snacks (which I am not allowing myself to do at the moment!).



Tried different flavours of rice cakes - apple and cinnamon ones are the best.

But for example yesterday I had one caramel rice cake more than I usually had had, and I felt soooo awful. My whole body was uncomfortavle, even though I could logically understand that it was really little and it doesn't matter. I felt guilty for a whole day, but well, I had it. I also had a bigger dinner than usually - this is a win.

6. Insomnia

My insomnia is caused by depression and the fact that I have ran out of some meds (I finally could talk to my doctor yesterday though), but this is still one of the anorexia symptoms as well.

I feel awful writing it down but... I have had some sleepless nights because I have simply been too hungry. But for the most part I just can't sleep without a reason.

7. Thin hair

I used to have really thick and nice hair, but for the last I don't know how long, their situation is not that great. They are thin, dry (but get dirty really fast) and just are so awful. I look ridiculous after washing and drying them.

This can be sort of fixed by using face masks and conditioners, but I feel like there won't be proper change unless I gain some weight and have more nutrients to support my hair growth.


Also I wanted to say that there are more symptoms, but it is not that everyone gets them all. I just brought out the ones I have noticed in MYSELF, so I hope people won't be mad if I missed something. I wanted to add that my situation is now a lot better, but I wrote stuff down, remembering how it has been previously. But in reality they still linger even now.

I actually bought way less than I thought I would. I kind of regret it, but at the same time there are more reasons to go back like this. I will try to somehow explain what I got and show you some things.

1. Food items

• Tea

I got myself cookie tea that I also mentioned in a previous post - this really tastes like a cookie. My mind is really confused when drinking it, it expects something solid. I don't understand how this is possible.

I also got blueberry tea that just smells amazing. This decision was really tough to make and I think I changed my mind hundreds of times. :D My friend got some melon tea, which smelled exactly like melon soda, which was amazing. She also got a peach one that we had already tried.

For my dad I got some Japanese green tea, as he really wanted some.



Then I also got some limited edition Lipton sakura tea, which I haven't yet tried, but I couldn't just leave it in the store. :D I also got some for my relative, but I haven't seen her and given it to her yet.

• Plum wine

I was really hoping it would arrive well in my suitcase, and surprisingly, it did. :D It was really sweet and nice, it only had 5 % of alcohol, which means it was more like a sider. The taste was really good, you could understand it was plum.

• Snacks

I knew already that I wanted to get a lot of sweets, for example different flavours of KitKat, as they are really popular in Japan. So I decided on yuzu and matcha KitKat, almond and cranberry one, wasabi one and strawberry daifuku one. My favourite has to be yuzu and matcha one - meaning Japanese citrus and green tea one. I am not a huge fan of matcha, but this combination is perfect. At the same time I really love wasabi KitKat, which I now have at home! :D

I also got some sweet potato snacks - they look like small sweet potatoes and taste, well, sweet. :D I wanted the ones in cinnamon coating that I had, but we couldn't find those.

I also got some daifuku sweets, which are kind of like... rice cakes, really soft. They have different fillings inside - for example green tea, red bean paste and so on. Even my mum liked those, which was a surprise.

I also got some simple chocolates and pockys, which are kind of like... cookie sticks? With green tea. And some other stuff to share with friends and relatives.

• Foodmaking things

As soon as I got back from Japan, we made ddukbokki with my sister, which are those Korean rice cakes with spicy sauce. And they are really good. I wish I had gotten more of them... maybe I indeed ask for a friend to send me some. :D

Of course I also bought some Japanese curry, as it is completely different thing. I promise that as soon as I will finally make it, I will show it here as well.

I also got several packs of furikake, which is kind of like... seasoning? It usually consists of sesame seeds, seaweed, wasabi or some other seasonings and you usually have it on rice. It adds to just regular rice and I really like it!

I also got some other seasoning, 7-spice one, which was always on the table at the restaurants. I brought this to my mum as well as she said she would like some seasonings from Japan.

2. Souvenirs

For souvenirs I got some small things to give away to my friends and family. I got myself a keychain that looks like real sushi and also a fridge magnet with Fuji mountain on it.



I also got some small towels to give to friends with small kids, also got some socks for myself, a container for lunch and small hand creams which are again spring limited edition. Smells like sakura aka cherry.



3. Skincare

In addition to hand cream that I mentioned previously, I also got a face wash, that just kept coming on my way. I guess it was a sign I need to get it. :D



I also got several face masks - I like taking some time for myself and use them from time to time. I also like that Japan does multi packs, where there are 7-10 of them and you can just keep using them every day.



4. Various

I have to mention my Starbucks spring mug here! :D I have Japanese cup for coffee, from You Are Here collection. I needed a separate mug for tea. :D




I also got a Pokemon notebook, which I am going to use as my next bullet journal. I think it looks cute. And I am not a fan of Pokemon!

I got my mum and sister some talismans fro mthe temple, that should bring them luck. I also got my sister a shopping bag and another one for myself.

5. Clothes

I surprisingly got quite a lof of clothes for myself that would be really nice to wear. Would be, if I wasn't stuck at the home office and could actually go around outside. :D There aren't any proper pictures of those, but at least I took a photo of Adidas jumper that I managed to wear out.




I don't know, what do you usually bring back from your trips? I always run out of ideas and usually just pick some different food items to try. Right now I KNOW that I should have brought more things, but well, it is too late now. :D

About braces

To change up the Japan content, I decided to write about eating, which has become very difficult recently again. Manily because I got braces for my lower teeth now.

Also they put a "filling" on one of my back tooth, which means there is only one spot in my mouth that I can chew with. Which means, as my dentist also said, I need to live on pureed soups, mashed potatoes and so on.

And eating is difficult as it is. This is not ideal.

I understand that you can get enough calories from soft foods, but I never feel satisfied enough. Also eating is in focus a lot and I feel like I need to get an... experience from every meal. But right now I am only eating to live, I don't really even taste food. It is sad, makes me upset and irritates me a lot and I don't know how to deal with it.

Also the braces have broken my mouth from the inside, I have several sore spots and it hurts. I thought I would bring out these non glamourous sides of getting nice teeth... and I understand that it was me who wanted it and in the end it is worth it, but at the moment I am cursing myself that I have done it now. I just... feel awful. I feel so uncomfortable.



Braces.

About eating and every day life

This weekend my mum came to Tallinn, which also brought eating out, snacking and having some wine. This made me super upset. I had a major breakdown, with crying and yelling and "why am I like this" emotions. It is so tough.

On the second evening (my mum stayed for 2 nights) her and my sister wanted to have some wine again, and snack on something not so healthy. And I went mad. And then I tried to think that in a few years I don't remember the wine I skipped, I remember the good time I had with them. And this helped a bit (I also went for a walk, walkign really calms me down), but on the next day, guilt was back and even stronger than after the first night, which I had counted for.

So... I haven't made as much progress as I hoped. These situations are still as hard as they used to be and sometimes feel even harder. Every moment that ruins my perfect day, initiate a lot of guilt and need to restrict food. For example we went to have coffee with mum on Sunday and I felt guilty over taking cappuccino - there is more milk than when I would have had just coffee with milk. I am tired of existing like this.

At the same time maybe this weekend was a... wake up call. As Japan was. It showed me that the situation is critical (my own crisis in addition to Corona) and I need to deal with it seriously. I can't afford thinking that oh this day was okay and wowow I am well. The reality is different. There may be several good days, several good weeks. And then there is one day that sucks and it ruins EVERYTHING and it ruins all progress.

Now it is new week and new beginning and despite the weekend I will try and have all the foods and snacks properly. I am playing with the idea of writing my menu down here - maybe it would help to keep me accountable, but I am not sure. Also I have thought of writing down all the calories that I consume in a day, but I am not sure it is a good idea. It may 1) make me more upset or 2) show me, maybe I am not eating enough. There are a lot of thoughts but not enough answers.

So maybe it is good that the country is in a lockdown and I need to work from home for two weeks again. My sister has to do the same and she can keep an eye on me - so that I would eat properly. Especially because due to the lockdown there is less moving around and so on.



We went to have some food at Georgian restaurant, I had eggplant stew. I will try and make the same thing at home today, as it is soft enough for me to eat. At the same time, this plant based stew was difficult to eat for me - I could see how much oil it had. It is tough to live like this. Eating out is a nightmare for me. Ugh. I don't know what to do with myself, it honestly kind of feels funny already.

I also thought I will write about things I got from Japan, but for this I need to take some photos. I guess we shall see.

Our Japanese started with the plane ride at 11:30 from Estonia. It was tough to get all of the suitcases and bags to the airport. At first I thought it would be easy, the tram goes straight from my house to the airport, but when I was trying to carry everyting, it was awful and I regretted not getting a taxi. :D But well, that didn't mean I didn't go!

We had two luggages east + handheld luggage (we would almost have needed tons more when coming back). We dropped off our bags and proceeded to sequrity. We didn't need to wait for long in Estonia, but still a little. We were just looking around and waiting for our flight to Finland, Helsinki, as we needed to switch planes there. We could have gone via Turky as well, but the price difference was really small. Also we would have had to stay in Ankara for half a day. In Helsinki, the time was only 4 hours.

Flying to Helsinki was really weird, because as soon as we got up in the air, we had to come down again. :D As some time had passed, we found ourselves a sandwich and coffee and sat down with those. After that we found some comfy chairs near our gate and laid down there, watching some videos and talking and so on. Time passed surprisingly fast and soon we had to get on board of Tokyo flight.

I have never flown such a long distance and I was kind of excited for it. :D It turned out to be absolute torture. At least I was sitting next to the window...



Anyway, there was a problem with my food, no one knew I was supposed to have a vegetarian meal. So I got some fresh salad with sauce and could eat stuff without meat from the menu. A bit disappointing, but what can you do. At least the breakfast was suitable for me, being an omelette with some stuff, so I am not complaining too much. :D But yeah, I hoped to get something better. xD

We arrived in Japan at 11 am, so we had a full day ahead of us to do things!

First day in Japan

Firstly we went to a friend's place who we stayed with and who we were visiting in the first place. We left our stuff there, made ourselves ready for the day and headed out.



We went to university's campus and looked around there, went to a store and got some onigiri of course (I miss them so much! I tried different ones, but the tuna mayo one is stil lthe best!) and dropped by post office, as we wanted to send our grandmas some postcards. We didn't find any nice ones though and left it at that.

We also happened to come across 100 yen store, where we got some stuff. (I wish Estonia had 1 euro store. I should have mentioned that in the previous post, where I wrote about things Estonia needs!)

Next step was to go out and have some food. We went for udon, and it was absolutely amazing. We also understood how hospitable and polite Japanese people are.

After having food we walked around for a bit and then headed to a bar, as we needed to celebrate our arrival. And well, we did celebrate it... :D



So this was the end of our first day in Japan. When we got home at night, at least we didn't have any trouble falling asleep and I felt well rested the next morning. No jet lag what so ever, even though I didn't sleep in the plane at all (I did fall asleep for a second, but startled awake right away).

About Corona virus... if I could get an euro every time someone asks about it, I could make another trip to Japan right away... :D People, chill please!

Second day in Japan

On the second day we headed to Odaiba first, as we had gotten tickets to visit teamLab Boarderless Tokyo light installations.

First time taking the train to Tokyo... it went quite fast. I think we were really lucky being able to stay at a friend's place in Tsukuba and go to Tokyo every time we wanted. We saved money from booking accommodation and it was easier like this, as we didn't need to take our luggage anywhere.

The light installations were awesome. There were so many rooms with different attractions and things where you could participate in (for example you could draw a snake or butterfly or something, then it was scanned and the creature was later running around in the room).

For many rooms you had to queue, because there would have been too many people at once. For this reason we missed one thing (we would have had to wait for over 60 minutes), but we still spent good 3-4 hours at the place. I think it was really worth it and pictures tell a better story than I could.








After that we went to an Odaiba ferris wheel, as it was only 1000 yen and we imagined it would be cool to see Tokyo from high up. It was really similar to our ferris wheel in Tallinn, but it appeared that the Odaiba one is the highest in the world. :D Anyway it was cool to ride with it, but it would have been better if it was in the middle of the city.



Next we went near the rainbow bridge (which didn't light up while we were there) and looked at the huge Gundam statue. This was the first moment I had this "omg I am in Japan" feeling. :D

We also saw the huge olympic rings and blossoming plum trees, which were really pretty and attracted a lot of tourists like us. :D



At some point we continued moving forward and went to Akihabara to have some sushi. We were looking forward to having sushi in Japan and it was really good. I already wrote a long post about foods, which gives a better overview, than this post here. We also went to some stores and then headed back home.



Me picking out sushi. A good picture to see my hair colour. :D

Third day in Japan

On the third day we headed to Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, as you could get a good view over the city from there. We didn't visit Skytree or Tokyo Tower and waste money, as this one was good enough, Also I suppose it had less tourists there.

When we finally got on the 93rd floor, I realised how BIG Tokyo actually is. I am used to my little Tallinn... :D



We also finally bought postcards, which I sent to my gandma. I have this habbit of always sending her one from my trips and then she always calls me and lets me know when it has arrived. :)

Next I think we walked to Shinjuku and then to Korea Town. We wanted to try some Korean food and just look around. It was quite different, full of small make up and k-pop stores. :D It was really nice to walk around there.

For lunch, we did visit a restaurant and enjoyed some Korean food.



After that we went to Harajuku, where our first stop was Starbucks, as we were quite tired and needed some boost of energy. For this, sakura milk latte was perfect.

Then we wnt to Shibuya, to see more of the busy areas of the city. We stopped at the Hachiko statue and then crossed the Shibuya crossing (where I yet again had this "help, I am in Japan feeling. :D). I took some pictures, but most of the peopel focus on people wearing masks and ask about it. No, I didn't wear one. No, I was not afraid of Corona virus.

Fourth day in Japan

Writing this now I have already forgotten some things and all of the days have kind of mashed together in my head. :D

Anyway, on the next day we went to Asakusa and walked around in some stores, buying tons of stuff. For me, I got a lot of KitKats...

From there, we went to visit Sensō-ji temple, which was full of tourists. Again a place that I have seen on pictures so many times, thinking I want to be there too... :D It was really cool. I got my mum and sister some lucky charms as well, so it was good call. :D There were so many people and a lot of booths to buy stuff from.



On this day we went to have okonomiyaki, which I had been looking forward to for a long time. And this was not a disappointment, it was probably one of my favourite things. :D

After the food we walked around in some parks and watched plum blossoms. People were again crowding them, because well, you need to capture the beauty. We had done it in Odaiba already.

On the evening we went to karaoke, which we had postponed for a few days. :D Luckily we were not too tired and singing Barbie Girl initiated a proper party. :D If you go to Japan, I really recommend checking karaoke out. Enjoying it with your friends is awesome. And besides, in Tsukuba there was free drinks bar and unlimited soft serve ice cream!

Fifth day in Japan

For this, we set a further goal than Tokyo and went to Kamakura.

Firstly we dropped by Hokokuji temple, which was surrounded by bamboo and which looked really cool. Probably one of my favourite places we visited. It was quiet and calm. I really liked that people were not allowed to just walk around everyhwere, you had to follow a path.



Kōtoku-in was our next destination, where there is this huge buddha statue. I know I am repeating myself, but I again had this moment of "I am in Japan and I have seen this place on pictures". :D



We were super lucky with the wather, all days (except for the one before the last) were sunny and warm, I think around 15 degrees Celcius. At the same time it was weird that it went dark so fast on the evenings. And as soon as it got dark, it got cold. In Estonia, it goes dark gradually. In Japan, you went to a store for a second and when you came out, it was pitch black outside. :D

Kamakura was really beautiful, but it had really narrow streets. One thing I noticed and thought interesting.

After visiting Kamakura we decided to go to Enoshima, as it was quite close and seemed like a cool place to visit. Done and done. It was really nice to just walk and laugh over warnings about hawks. Also we saw Fuji mountain from the distance!



On Enoshima I noticed that across the streets there are so many cables. Pundles of cables were really normal thing to see, but it was weird for me. Ah, we laso met several cats on Enoshima. What made it special, was that there were signs on the streets, saying that these cats live there and they are well taken care of.

After this short trip we headed back home. We had eaten soba on this day and enjoyed yakisoba in the evening. :D The evening was so nice!

Sixth day in Japan

Today was finally a day we spent fully in Tsukuba, well, except for one of us who went to see a concert in Tokyo in the evening.

We got up a bit later in the morning at set out for a bus to go and see Tsukuba mountain. I think it would have been cool to hike up and arrive at 877 meters, but we didn't have enough time (it probably would have taken all day) thus we picked the railway up.



It was so cool to be so high up and discover that Japan actually has quite a lot of mountains. You could not understand it in Tokyo at all, but in Tsukuba and on the next day when we went to visit an onsen, we saw a lot more nature.

Despite getting up to the mountain easily, we still needed to hike for a bit. But the view was so worth it.

On the second peak we didn't make it to, because we were pressed with time (the bus we took to the mountain was an hour late due to really heavy traffic). Then we went back down and looked around a little more and took the bus back to city center.

After that I had some time to walk around in the stores alone and buy one of two things. It wasn't a major shopping trip, but I still got a few bits and pieces.

I then met up with a friend again and we headed to a small cafe that had really good coffee. In general, coffee in Japan is pretty good, or we just visited nice places. For example in Kamakura also we stopped at some cafe and it was just fantastic.

It had gotten dark outside thus we skipped the idea of walking around in the park and went to a mall instead, having a goal in mind of buying tea and just look around.

We went to this one tea store that we had already heard about and excited for (as my friend brought us some tea to try from there). I got blueberry tea (and when we went there again on the last day, I also got cookie flavoured one. And well, it for real tastes like cookies. I don't understand how this is possible) and some green tea for my dad.

It was really nice to just walk around and see different things in a mall. :D

We met up with a friend who went to see a concert around 9-10 pm and then had some dinner, after what we walked home. Again it was such a nice evening. It was a bit chilly, but not too bad. Also even when the weather was windy, the wind was sort of warm, a lot different from what I am used to.

Seventh day in Japan

This was like a holiday during a holiday. We could get up much later as we were heading off at 11 - we went to an onsen, also known as hot spring.

I really wanted to try this but I couldn't even imagine how it would be. When we got to the onsen, we got some towels and went to change, after that you need to wash up and then enter the bath.

Onsen makes your skin sooooo soft and nice and it was so amazing to get some warmth into my old bones (I sound like 70 year old :D). We were there for around an hour and it was enough.

The day we went to an onsen was the only one that it rained. Not much though. After onsen, we went to see a waterfall, which was pretty darn amazing. Others said that it was actually good that it was raining - the waterfall is more powerful when there is well, more water. We tried to take some pictures, and managed to capture something, even though it was quite dark already. :D



Anyway we finally moved on to have some ramen, which I was really looking forward to. It was a really nice vacation day all in all.

Seventh day in Japan

This day we had set aside for shopping and began quite early by going to a Japanese second hand store. It was huge and there were soo many things, which I would have liked to have! All of the products were really nice and set out pretty. It honestly didn't feel like a second hand store at all.

Surprisingly I bought quite a bit of clothes (which almost didn't fit into my suitcase :D), others also got bags and all kinds of stuff.

Then we headed a bit further from Tsukuba center to visit another mall, before what we went and had lunch at this Hawaiian pancake place.

At the mall we did some more shopping, went to the game center and did some purikura, just looked around. Time passed super fast and we walked so much, I think it was more than 15k steps. And it was one of the most active days according to my activity watch. :D But it wasn't as tiring as some other days.

On the evening we went to the bar again, ready to stay awake until the morning. :D We still got home around three and managed to get some sleep, before we had to take all the stuff and head back home to Estonia.



There was a cat in the bar!

Last morning in Japan

Was so sad. I wish we stayed longer, though at the same time it felt as if we had been there for ages. At least we got to experience a little and we now know what else we want to do and see when we go back. Which we will!

On the way to the airport we grabbed some onigiris, me of course picking tuna mayo one, and it was time to say goodbye.

It was honestly sad. Being used to being around friends 24/7 and I guess we had enough to still talk about for weeks. Also the plane ride back was sooooo long.

At the airport we did some last moment shopping, for example I got my sister some wasabi flavoured KitKat (which is totally one of the best) and Starbucks thermos for a friend.

Then it was time to board the plane and watch some movies. Flying to Japan, I hadn't gotten around it, but on the way home I watched three. I tried to sleep for a bit, but it was impossible.

We arrived back to Estonia at 5 pm, which meant that it was around midnight in Japan. I was so tired, but despite this I gave my sister an overview of the trip and what I saw and did. And even now I keep remembering some details that I haven't yet written down. For example...

Japanese cars are so weird and rectangular.
It was weird getting used to the opposite side traffic.
So many people ride bicycles.
Japan's nature is really beautiful.
In busses and trains there are a lot of announcements and they could last the whole trip.
Japanese people are really kind and polite.
I want to go back sooner.

This post will probably be the longest one, as there is a lot to tell about.

Firstly I want to say that it was difficult. Very difficult. It didn't matter that the foods were tasty and I wanted to try everything and not restrict - it was still difficult. I kept thinking about what I would eat at home and how much less I would eat and so on. At one point I tried to make a deal with myself to worry about things when I get home and try to relax during the trip, but my emotions were still all over the place. What helped was definitely when friend ate with me and they ate the same things and it wasn't something special for them. Eating was just a normal part of the trip. So I guess I kind of handled it okay mostly, even though I still could have done better.

It was the most difficult to deal with liquid caloried, like drinks. That's why I usually opted for water, even though I would have liked to try something else (but I did try other things as well, for example at karaoke I drank a lot of melon soda and so on).

There were some moments I was upset and felt bad, but... I feel like this trip was indeed a restart. I told everyone that I will handle it as a new beginning and I kind of feel that I managed to do that. To mention my weight - I didn't gain or loose any weight. It is the exact same as it was when I was at home. This showed me that I can eat a lot more than I thought, and the weight is not going to pile up, I am not going to be like a balloon and I won't get fat. It was a restart.

I feel like there has been a switch in my head. Coming back to Estonia, my weight went up a bit. It did make me feel anxious and uncomfortable, but then I thought that okat, I will just skip some snacks and get back to the lower weight. And then a voice in my head was like... why? And I didn't know the answer. I was so obsessed with the idea to get back into my low weight. And I mean, skipping a snack is not a huge thing... but it is a first step. First step towards restricting again. Firstly it would be the morning snack, then lunch snack, then evening snack. Then lunch entirely. Then breakfast. And then there is nothing left.

So on the same day that I decided to skip the morning snack, I went to the kitchen at 11 am and got a handful of oat cookies. And ate them. And I did feel bad and I felt guilty - but I didn't let the thoughts bother me. I was, for the first time, strong enough to overcome this feeling.

Like, I am not saying I don't care anymore or that it is easy. Far from that. I still have really hard time and there are tons of bad thoughts in my head. This eating disorder is still so-so strong. But I care less. I don't care about eating that much. My life doesn't revolve around it as much anymore. And this trip helped me a lot. There were so many more things to do and see and feel that I didn't think about eating. I mean, yeah, still did it a bit, but I didn't live from one meal to the next, which was my way od existing in Tallinn.  I didn't think about lunch straight after breakfast. I ate breakfast, I had coffee and I was present. I had fun with my best friends and full stomach was just there. It didn't make me feel in any particular way and eating wasn't an obsession any more. And it felt so good. I have been doing really well with eating at home in the recend days that I am kind of feeling proud.

I am not saying that things will stay like this. I bet there are going to be tough days, but at the moment, regarding eating.... I feel good.

So let's talk about all the foods I had in Japan.



This was my breakfast on the plane. There was a problem and they didn't know I had a vegetarian menu, so in the evening they organized me to have a salad. But I could have breakfast omelette. This was quite good.



The first thing we tried as soon as we got to Japan. Onigiri with salmon. It wasn't as good as my all time favourite - tuna and mayo one - but it was still good!

On the first evening we went to an udon place. Udon is this really thick noodles, which I had never tried before, but they tasted amazing. In my dish there was also kimchi and some rice cakes, which were AMAZING. And some tofu. It was all soooo ooo oooooo good. I wish we were in Japan for longer so we could have gone back there again. :D

The service was super friendly, as soon as we sat down, we were brought some green tea and when my friend asked meatless option for me, they went to confirm it with the kitchen immediately. It was interesting that the food was brought to the table and it had live fire under it, it was still boiling. So it was super fresh!



I am still thinking about those rice cakes and drooling over them. :D We are going to a Japanese restaurant with friends soon, and they have udon. But I am scared of picking it, because I bet it is not as good as this. :D

And the portion was gigantic. I thought I was going to explode and silently regretted the onirigir I had had for lunch. :D I didn't feel guilty though - probably because the others were eating as well and it was just part of a trip.

For the second day breakfast we had onigiri again. I thought I would explain what is onirigir. It is a triangle, or circle or box of rice, which has a filling, and mostly has nori sheet around it.

My favourite one was definitely tuna mayo one, but I tried salmon one (had too little salmon), fish roe (this was good, spicy), pickled plum one (I really liked it, surprisingly). My friend also tried chicken one which was not her favourite, but she got another one at the airport, which was better.

Onigiri is like... Japanese sandwich. They had sandwiches at the store as well though, but we always opted for onigiri. :D I really recommend to try it if there is a chance. Or make it yourself.  There is onigiri in some Estonian restaurants, but I haven't tried them and don't know how authentic they are.

We went to have dinner in Sushiro, which is a place where people sit around a table and there is conveyerbelt with sushis going around. Most of them cost about 1 euro (or 100 yen). You can also order sushi from the menu.



As it was quite chilly, we had mis soups and tons of sushi. So good! Taste is not that different from what you get here in Estonia, but you could taste the freshness of the food. Sushi was a bit more... homely? In Estonia it is always so posh and has a lot of toppings. In Japan it was more normal. Not as... overdone?

On the evening I tried an ice cream with red bean paste and mochi. Not my favourite, but at least I tried it and it wasn't bad. For a moment I fel like "wasting calories", but I got over it. Yep, it is easier to deal with this emotion now. I still feel bad, but I am able to get over it. It has been going well in Estonia now too.



On the third day we went to Korea Town and had some food in the restaurant there. I could finally try ddukbokki, which are these rice cakes in chilli sauce, served with fish cakes that were so good. I also took ramyon, which is Korean version of ramen. Food was amazing and I was so full after it. We also tried a bottle of soju (Korean version of sake), which tasted like peach. I mean, come on, we were on a holiday and could have it!



Our next stop was in Harajuku Starbucks. One thing I had promised myself was that I would try Sakura milk latte. It was so good. Super sweet and I couldn't have a bigger cup, but it was really good still.

In Japan they don't write your name on a cup, and don't call it out. You pay for your drink, move a little and then get your cup when it is ready. :) I think it is a good system, I probably wouldn't hear my name and would simply be unable to get a drink. :D

On the evening I tried another ice cream, which was more like shaved ice with condensed milk and fresh fruits and berries. I think it was better than the mochi one, but basically on the same level. It was really interesting and good. My friend said she liked it a lot and I was not disappointed.

On the fourth day we went to Tokyo again and had melon bread as a snack. I just... cannot. How good they are. Honestly. There are different ones - just bread ones, ones with chocolate chips, ones with different fillings. We took a normal one but from a stal lthat made them fresh (even though store bought ones are just as good!). Japanese bread is so fluffy and soft. I regret not taking any at home, I could have probably somehow put it in my luggage... :D

We went to have food at okonomiyaki place, which was also recommended by different tourist sites online. Okonomiyaki is sort of like... cabbage pancake, that also has different good stuff in it. Mine also had potato, pumpkin, fresh sprouts, corn and maybe something else which I cannot remember at the moment. You top it with sauce that is a bit like BBQ sauce and mayo, in addition you add some green coloured seasoning and bonito (fish) flakes. And it is sooooo good. Amazing. You fry it in front of you and have it fresh from the grill. Also it was adorable that they used pig fat to fry it, but as seeing I ordered a veggie version, we were brought olive oil. :) Japan, you are amazing!



On the same evening we went to a karaoke, where we had free soft serve ice cream with melon syrup. Melon is really popular thing, there is also melon KitKat for example. And after the karaoke we went to a store, where I picked up cheese and tomato paste wrap and it was better than anything I have ever had.

On the fifth day we went to Kamakura and we had soba (soba is noodles made with buckwheat flour) and tempura (deep fried veggies and seafood). And it was amazing. My friend gave me a piece of her mushroom tempura, and I think I fell in love. :D Soba itself was really amazing as well... and the broth... mmm, I feel hungry just writing it down. Eating was a bit difficult and the portion was huge, but I tried to be over it and told myself that others are eating as well.



Walking around we found a really cute coffee shop where we had a drink and then moved forward. We wrnt to Enoshima after Kamakura, and after that we went back home.

At home my friend made us yakisoba, which was tough for me. Noodles twice a day? What am I thinking?! But NOTHING HAPPENED. I am still the same as I was before having noodles twice a day. My clothes didn't become too small, I didn't become fat. JFC, Signe, get a grip.



I also tried natto! I have been wanting to try it for years and I finally could do it. Natto is... fermented soybeans. And they have a weird slimy texture. Taste... I think they didn't really have much taste to them, I would have liked to add some salt. xD I tried it with mustard and soy sauce and it was better like this. I think I would have it if it was in something. Somewhy I thought it would be super salty or something.

Yakisoba is basically noodles with yakisoba sauce, cabbage and carrots, on top of it you add mayo and nori. And pickled ginger (I am just obsessed with pickled ginger at the moment, send help!). Food was just amazing. And it was easier to eat it, than doing the same in a restaurant. As if the control was in my hands, even though I didn't prepare the food myself. :D Anyway, it was a good day... We also tried some yuzu drink (yuzu is Japanese orange), which was super good. I got the same but plum version to take home with me. When my mum is coming to visit next weekend, we are going to try it.

On the sixth day one of my friends left us to go to a concert in Tokyo. Thus we had dinner together at like 10 pm, when she got back to Tsukuba.

We wanted to go to a gyoza place (Japanese dumplings), but they didn't have anything vegetarian except for one salad, which my friends said is unacceptable and that we will find another place. There was another kind of traditional Japanese place in the same building, where we finally sat down. We had a few drinks and my friends had gyoza, while I had rice with hot water and green vegetables. Nothing special. I also tried tamagoyaki (Japanese omelette) and radish tempura which my friends ordered.



This kind of weird food. And I had plum wine.

All in all this evening was really nice, but because we all ate different things, my eating disorder acted up a bit.

On the seventh day we had breakfast at home, but for a quick lunch we had McDonalds. It was also in my list - to try Japanese fast food. I couldn't have had anything if they didn't have seafood option, which they luckily did. I didn't try a normal fish burger, but went for kind crab one. I also had a coke. It was pretty good and different. We also tried KitKat McFlurry, which is something you don't have in Estonia. :D



On the same day we went to onsen and then after that we started to look for a place for dinner. We wanted ramen, as this was something we hadn't tried yet. We found an option and someone called there, asking if they have meat-free vesion. And they said that the six of us are coming soon.

Ramen was amazing! A lot better than the ones I have had in Estonia, definitely. I had miso ramen, as my friend had been raving about it and it was stuck in my head that I want to try it.



The portion was of course huge again. On the side they offerec iced green tea, which was also good. A perfect evening to a perfect day.

On the same evening we tried some drinks, which had very little alcohol (3%) in it. My friend went to a store and got three different ones - she picked yoghurt tasting one for herself. At first I was really sceptical, because it sounded too weird... but when I tried it, it tasted like yoghurt indeed, but better?! :D Anyway, you cannot imagine it unless you try it. Highly recommend. :D

We also got some snacks, which was sweet potatoes in cinnamon. It was soooooooo good. I bought some sweet potato snacks to bring home as well and I just cannot get over them. We are making jokes with my friends that the one living in Japan has to send us subscription boxes and we would send her money. :D

On the eight (and last) full day in Japan we had lunch at Kona's Coffee, which was Hawaiian style pancake place.



There was so much to choose frm and it was difficult to make a pick. I finally decided on iced latte and pancakes with smoked salmon, avocado and stuff salad. I tell you, this green sauce was the best thing I have ever had in my life. And these pancakes were sooo nice and soft and fluffy and tasted so good, especially with butter. I really liked this place, it was nicely decorated and there were so many cool details. It was also fun to watch people eat, because the portions were huge and at one point I just wondered how these small people had pancakes with so much whipped cream. :D I don't even know why, but this was one of my favourite dishes I had. xD Even though... I have said this about everything in this post. :D



On the ninth day we went back home, having onigiri as breakfast. At the airport I also had my favourite melon bread - with chocolate chips. And in the plane I had proper vegetarian menu. First dish I didn't really like, but it filled me up. It was unfair that others had ice cream as a dessert, but I had some weird stuff with raisins, which tasted like alcohol. XD Second meal on a plane was better.

Ah, I also had a croissant with tomato and cucumber as a snack, while others had some sweet pastry.

Anyway, I reallt want to go back and try more Japanese foods. As I mentioned before, I would like some taiyaki, takoyaki, nabe, mochi, daifuku... I want all the foods. :D

At the moment I am depressed at home, sad over the fact I can't have these things in Estonia. Come on, we have some stores that sell asian foods, but they don't have a great selection. I hope that at one point I will be able to buy these things in Estonia... or there is another way - going back to Japan. Also, next time I will bring much less stuff with me to take more back.