I Won't Quote

A long time ago I found an article online which talked about doing some volunteer work and reading audiobooks to blind people.

This article was super old, but I decided to send them a message and ask if they are still looking for people, because I would love to donate some of my time. And less than 24 hours later I got an answer saying they would be really happy if I did that. It was so sweet!

So I agreed on a book, went to the library, got a microphone and started... to read. I am reading Jo Nesbo's "Thirst", because Nesbo is one of my favourite writers and people were looking forward to it. So I get to do 2 in 1 - enjoy a book myself and do something good at the same time.

I started to record on Monday evening and I discovered that I make so many mistakes. Awful. :D I thought that as I read quite a lot myself, it is easy, but it is not. At the same time I will not give up and read the whole book. Especially because I myself have started to listen to audiobooks a lot and there aren't many in Estonian.

I thought I have read "Thirst" already, but during the first page I discovered that I haven't. Anyway, I will mark down here how I am doing and I also suggest you look up similar things wherever you are from. Especially now when most of the people are sitting at home and there isn't much to do. It is a good way to pass some time.

They have a list of books they would like to be read, but if you have a book at home, you can simply read this! I think it is super cool. Also they sent me an explanation how and what to read, which program to use and so on. They were super friendly and this was such a positive experience.

I uploaded first two files and I am looking forward to feedback, is this good enough or should I change something. I think I could also record with my phone, as my computer was not working properly (but it is now okay) and I thought about using this. Luckily it is fine now and I can use the microphone.

I am really interested to know how long it takes me to record it and how long the book is. :D Most of the books I have listened to are somewhere between 7-10 hours, so I think I need to read quite a bit. At the same time "Thirst" is a long book, so maybe it will be even longer. Well, reading takes a bit longer anyway, because sometimes I mess up and have to start again. I am not professional enough to cut the wrong part out yet, I need to try the program out a little more. It kind of sucks if I mess up at the moment. But well, like everything, it needs a little practice t read. I feel like I am performing or something. :D But yeah, in general it is really cool. When I listen back on what I read, it is so weird, because I am not used to my own voice at all, haha. :D But well, I hope it changes after this experience.

I am thinking that once I have read this book, I would gladly take another one, because at the moment I have a lot of motivation to do this.

–

On Tuesday evening I finished the first chapter. I kind of messed up a little, but didn't start again, so I hope they will forgive me. It is a bit difficult as well, as I am trying to pronounce all the Norwegian names and stuff, but I am not sure I am doing a good job. :D

At first I also thhought that yes, I will give characters different voices and everything, but honestly I am happy I could read at least something. It is not as easy as it seems when you are listening to an audiobook!

And to clarify, I have read this book, but I don't think I finished it, because the first chapter was kind of familiar in the end. I also managed to get the microphone to work properly finally, the prologue was not as loud as I would have liked. We shall see. I wanna go home already and keep recording. :D

–

Second chapter went more smoothly, even though I started recording quite late and I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could make some food for myself. But it was nice, I like reading stuff out loud.

I remember that when me and my sister were small, we had rooms next to each other and sometimes I read a whole book to her, even though she fell asleep at the beginning already. :D I just read and read and didn't stop until it was over.

I haven't listened to a lot of audiobooks lately, but it is only because I was too lazy to charge my headphones. xD It is so simple, but I just don't remember to do it. I think I will charge them for tomorrow, even though I really wanted to listen to something today already when I was going to work.

The Hilarious Life of Depression is still quite good and I still have 8 hours more to listen. But at the same time the loan period will be over soon, so I need to listen to it more. I can borrow it again though, so it is no problem to be honest.

I think that law books should be in audio format as well, I would really like to listen to them, because I am not doing that great with studying recently. I am still trying to do at least SOMETHING every day, even though it is not working out great. I still haven't refound my motivation.

Today, on Thursday, I have a new phychologist appointment as well, they are so often thesedays. I don't really have anything to talk about to her, but we shall see what she wants to discuss.

Are you going to watch Eurovision? I saw the first semifinal and I am planning to watch the second as well. And then on Friday me, my sister and her friend are going to order food and watch the final. I can't wait, I really need some time off! But my vacation starts in ten days! Can't come fast enough.

I found a new favourite ice cream while watching the second semifinal. Like, I love coconut, but I thought this was going to be too much. But it wasn't. And honestly, it is the best ice cream I have ever had. :D The price is also cheap, so this is a big success.

Which songs did I like from the Eurovision ones? Iceland is definitely a favourite, Czech was good as well, but they didn't make it to final. Norway I liked, Israel as well, surprisingly. First semifinal was better though and it is kind of sad that Estonia didn't get to the final, I really hoped we would make it. But at the same time it was to be expecred. Anyway yes, overall there were a lot of good songs this year, nothing awful. Except for some ballads on the second semi final perhaps.

It was nice at the psychologist appointment, we did some focusing exercises, I filled a questionnaire and she taught me some tricks to be in the present, because my main issue is worrying about the future. A lot of people have this problem that they can't be in the present, they usually feel guilt about the past or worry about the future. I am the worrier, but sometimes I feel bad about what has already happened.

I got really frustrated during the session so she gave me a small ball to play with, it really helped. :D I should find one for myself as well, because I liked playing with it and it did help with being in the present, because I felt something against my fingers.

This time we didn't really talk about eating, though we mentioned it a few times. My weight has gone up properly, so I am already feeling a bit weird about ordering food tomorrow, so yeah, worrying again.

Then lately I have started to become really anxious when I am not at home. It just came to be really randomly - we had a fire safety training at work and then I started to worry that something happens at home. Like, it is sooooo awful I can't do anything. Annoying. I have never felt this kind of anxiety.

And I finally also got a birthday present! I haven't used it yet and probably won't today, but maybe on Sunday? Then on Monday I can write how I like it. :D I decided on Delimano Pro... even though I don't have much room at home so I don't know where I will put it. Or well, there is little room in the kitchen. :D At the moment it is on my corridor, inside a box still. :D

Also I have a really big addiction to coffee with chocolate soy milk, like please send some help. I can't get over, I am having my third cup already and it is 8:32 am...

Hey there.

I hate you. I used to love you. Or I mixed them up. And I still don't know if hating you is real, maybe there is still some part of me that loves and misses you. Because sometimes I feel like there is. It is like on a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. You were such a huge part of my life, my every day, my thoughts, my opinions etc. You changed my mood however you wanted and you made me do things I never thought I would.

You ruined my relationships with my friends, family and other people. You kept me in prison, you didn't let me enjoy things, you didn't want mi to live. And I was okay with it. Oh, I was. I liked being alone, do my own thing and have a competition with myself.

I didn't want to get better. For a long time. I kept thinking that I have to keep going, need to lose more weight, need to feel hunger for one more day, restrict for another day. It was an addiction. I am thinking that... people who are in a violent relationship often don't leave. I was the same with you. I held you close with my teeth and nails. You were such a big part of me and my identity. Well, you are me, but you are the awful, freaky part which I don't want.

I don't know how you came to be, what made you appear and why did you stay for so long. You were a goal to try and reach. You were a challenge before I started this blog and when I didn't know there are all kinds of challenges I could do instead. You were and obsession, my own dark cloud over my head.

I remember these times at the hospital when I cried at the doctor's office and repeated that I don't want to change, I don't want to get better, I want to run back to you. I knew that things will be "right" again, as soon as I got out the hospital. I read the days and hours and minutes until I could regain the control. And then I made it there, everything continued the exact same way as before hospital.

But in reality the control wasn't in my hands, was it? It was on you. I was on autopilot and I let you whisper into my ear about what to do, how to be, who to talk to, how to behave.

You made me lie to people. After the hospital, I told my mum my weight every Monday and Thursday. And I always lied it to be 100 grams more. Me weight went up. But when I visited my parents and they saw me, they understood that I had been lying. My best friend also saw it, but she never said anything, she only asked how I am doing sometimes. It was the best she could do. Because if she had forced me or told me face to face what is happening, I would have probably gotten even worse.

At the hospital you made me hide food. All the packs of butter I hid into the tissues. All the extra things I needed to have and made me super upset. When I went to "meet a friend", in reality I jast RAN to the store, looked at some food and wen't back. You made me do pushups on the toilet, run on the spot, do jumping jacks. You never let me just sit down. Like, I kept shaking my knees, because I thought it would burn a few more calories. So stupid. It is absurd.

You made me cry and feel shit about myself, die over guilt. You didn't let me have a candy - in fact, you made it into a drama and reminded me this for days and days.

You ruined my health. You broke my hair and nails, turned my skin blue and made me have osteopenia, not to mention all the other things.

You made me only think of one thing. Food. Cooking. Calories.

I want to let go. Of you. I want to let your go. But at the same time I don't want you to catch a new victim. I want to wave at you and know you are never coming back.

I am better now. A lot better. Both mentally and physically. But I am not completely healed. I am addicted to food, I still keep thinking about it most of the time. I make myself walk for thousands steps every day. Just to make what is left of you happy. I want to rest, sit, sleep, feel myself better and confident and now be afraid of weighing myself in the mornings, because maybe I have gained a few hundred grams. And I don't want this to make me feel bad.

You are still in my head, my mind, my thoughts. And I don't know if I will get rid of you completely one day. I have a feeling that probably not. On some days I feel fine, but then you trash my head again, poisoning my brain and forcing my body.

But what I wanted to tell you...

It is not about me. It is you.

Goodbye.

I would like to mention that my computer doesn't really work at the moment and I can't be sure I post on Friday. I don't know what is wrong with it, but it is very annoying. So I guess I am doing a challenge about not using the computer. :D

Actually I do have an idea for the next post, but it depends if I can write it or not.

With not having my laptop, I have gotten into watching Tiktoks. I didn't use tha app at all, but now I open in constantly throughout the day. And I laugh at the clips. LAUGH! I giggle at some of the videos and it is so surprising, because mainly I feel nothing and it is weird. But sometimes I do get other emotions through this haze. They are not always positice, but at least I feel SOMETHING.

On the weekend I had my birthday party with friends and it was really nice. Everyone who came were really important to me and I felt at ease and peaceful, because we just were and talked and enjoyed the evening.

I had a huge binge and now, even two days later, I still feel bad (also not only mentally, bysically as well). But as before, I am sure I will get over it. Last time I went to see my psychologist she asked what I do when I really feel baf. And I just said that I keep thinking that I have gotten over similar things previously and this gives me hope that it will pass this time as well. Yes, I will probably feel bad for a few more days, but it WILL pass. Sometimes when everything is shit, I keep repeating to myself that at SOME point it should start getting better?! And if it doesn't... well, we will deal with it then.

Avtually I wanted to write even longer letter, because I have so many thoughts in my head, but I also wanted to keep it short and sweet. I didn't feel like writing down my whole life story. I have done it enough here. :D But yeah, these are the last words to my eating disorder. Some part of it is still there and will probably stay with my always, but mostly I consider myself healed. If I don't develope a binge eating disorder, which is also concern to my psychologist... but well, we will deal with it when time comes as well.

I am trying to remember good moments from Saturday and Sunday and hope it helps. I don't know... thoughts to have some strength. I have told myself nice things as well, like I mentioned in my previous post. And it becomes easier and easier every day, I don't even have to remind myself to tell myself nice things, it is automatic. Even if I don't believe the things, I think it affects me on some level. At least I hope so, hehe. Worth a shot.

This week we have Eurovision, are you going to watch it as well? I will. I have a TV this year too, I don't have to watch it from YouTuvbe or something, I can properly enjoy it! And then for the final I will go to my sister's with a friend and we will have a small party... every weekend is becoming a cheat day, haha. :D But at the same time I still am doing well during the week as well, I eat properly, though it is difficult. Like before my birthday it was really tough - do I eat in the morning and during lunch? But I was good and did it.

I have gained a lot of weight and now I can say I am over the 50 kg mark. So yeah, in a little bit I will be at the normal weight! And even though my commentator said that I should reach around 61, my doctors are saying that maximum should be 55. Thich kind of sucks and it is difficult and annoying and makes me stressed and feel awful. I would write more about it, but I am just so confused.

In general I feel a bit lost at the moment. I don't have a goal, something to reach for. Yeah, I would like to go back to school, but I need something... I don't know, more personal? So I am working towards findings something. We shall see how this goes. I will try to spend more time with myself this week and try to figure stuff out. I just... would like to turn a corner and have myself pulled into a fantasy world, where I could be an awesome warrior or something. :D

This year my birthday was on Thursdau, which meant that on Wednesday evening I had to bake a lot. I am starting this post on Wednesday, by the way.

Anyway, I had a plan of going home and then preparing for the next day. I made this cheese stritzel. I always make it with melted cheese and grated cheese and everyone have always loved it.

I hope that it will go fine this time as well, because I haven't used the gas oven to make it previously... I think I just need to check it more often or something. Hopefully I can do it. I also thought about going to my sister's place to prepare them and I still need to make a cake as well and it would have taken so much time. I will stay at home and try and make the things. I would really like to do some STUDYING as well, as I have neglected it recently.

For the cake, I am making one with curd cream and cream cheese. I have made it many times previously and everyone have always loved this as well. :) I hope my oven is fine with it. I got some new coconut flavoured cookies as the base and instead of blueberries I will make it with strawberries.

Yesterday at the store... it was a struggle, I needed to get so many things. :D

Unbelievable, I am getting a year older. Honestly I don't feel like I have changed at all since I was like 16, everything seems the same. :D I don't know, I wouldn't say I have also accomplished anything, even though I have almost gotten rid of my eating disorder, so maybe...

I just randomly remembered I started listening to The Hilarious World of Depression and it is really good. At least the part I have gotten through at the moment. I can recognize myself and some friends there. :D

Aa, to come back to the ED. Next step would be getting rid of my depression, but I have no idea when and if it is ever going to happen. Because it just, really sucks, haha. :D

I got really upset with my psychologist the other day. We talked about eating, as always. And then she said that she doesn't really restict, but she makes healthy choices, eats ice cream once per half a year and she said junk food is bad, you need to be healthy and make right decisions with food. And that you shouldn't even buy junk food. Like, thank youuuuu :)))))))))))). It really affected me negatively.

Other than that she is really nice, she can calm me down and ask right questions, but this really made me upset. I have, for years, forbidden things to myself and now someone comes out and says it is right, you shouldn't eat these things, you need to be healthy and mindful and watch your portions. Not what I would have liked to hear. Oh well. She also suggested having a food journal, but I can already imagine her going into the shock and her saying I should be healthier. Even when I said I eat 80-90% of the time well, it is not good enough. :D

No, I don't think she meant anything bad and I just saw her for the second time ever, I suppose she doesn't really know what would cause me to relapse and what I can take from her words. I just... I wish she hadn't said some things. Especially when I was already upset and cried there, right?! :D 

Today I can think about it more clearly, but after my appointment I called to my sister and ranted a lot, because I was so done with it.

Today I also had a dentist appointment and it was confirmed that on the 8th of June I will get rid of the braces! And then on 14th they will make the invisalign thingies I have to keep in my mouth. So exciting, gonna be pretty for summer! And it is almost like a birthday present for myself. :)

Anyway, I will write later or tomorrow about how my baking came out. :D

-

Okay, so, birthday morning started with chocolate oatmeal, strawberries and a cup of coffee. Yesterday I was in such a hurry with baking, at least I think I managed with the oven. Cake looks good and stritzels got baked, so I can be happy. We shall see how the taste is, but I hope others will like it.

I got to work earlier today, earlier than usually. Now my best friend has called me and sang to me, also sister has called and sang and there are other birthday wishes as well. So sweet. I don't really feel like it is my birthday, but it helped a little. :) And it is so nice that a lot of people have just sent me a message instead of posting on my FB feed. It is much more personal and cute.

Then I thought that before the workday finishes I will have stritzel and cake, I can skip lunch. But I decided not to do it. I already went by the store and got several things for lunch, so I am being good. :D It is really big for me.

Ah, and after work I decided to celebrate my birthday by going shopping with my best friend and sister. And then my best friend bought me SHOES. And they are exactly like the ones I have been eyeing up. I am so lucky! Can't believe it. :D

Aren't they cute? I think they are!

Then I have also made a little challenge. One of my friends sent me a message on Instagram saying that I should be kind to myself and say nice things to myself. I haven't really done it in front of a mirror, but it is still a start.

Anyway, I set up some kind of mantras for myself that I repeat while I am walking to the bus stop in the morning. One of them is "something good will happen to me today" and there are two more that I am not going to write down here. And I repeat them until I believe them. It kind of makes me feel more positive.

And another thing that I do is that I will tell nice things about myself to myself. I start with "I am" and then add a positive word, like "proper", "friendly" etc. There are a lot of choices. I have some things I always say, but I also try to come up with something new from time to time.

I don't know if it is really helping though, because I have done it for a small amount of time, but it does make me feel a bit more positive. I think I will try telling myself nice things in the mirror at one point as well, but at the moment it seems a bit too cringe. Even though I live alone and don't have to worry about anyone except for my cat listening, haha. :D Have you tried something similar? It seems really popular practice.

Tomorrow I will have a small birthday party (we are really careful and everyone who have a small doubt regarding corona in their head are staying home) and I can't wait. Yesterday this thought stressed me out, but now I am over it and I can think normally and I can't wait to see them all.

Oh, I got a good idea about going to a bookstore after work, because I want a card game to help people get to know each other. :D I think it would be interesting.

I also got bookstore giftcard from work and I think I will buy a cookbook. I have really started using the library a lot more recently and honestly having books is cool, but I want more space at my home. So I am not going to buy all the books I would like to read.

With reading, I have a really cool project going on that I will write more about in a future post. And I also thought I will get my air fryer finally, there are so many things I want to try and make, I am really excited!

Also I thought about making a new post about the social media accounts that I follow, because I have discovered a lot of new ones. And maybe I will combine it with my favourite YouTubers, because I am in the middle of making it for a while now.

Anyway, I will enjoy my Friday with chocolate Oatly oatmilk and coffee and thinking about being 28. So old?

So this will be a random chatty post.

The weekend went off the tracks. A lot of overeating and things. But finally during the next day I didn't feel hungry constantly. I was even bored of thinking about food, which also made it difficult to plan for dinner. And I knew that I can't skip a meal due to previous day. So yeah, I got a whole tub of ice cream for myself. And I am going to have the whole thing.