I Won't Quote

I don't know why, but recently I feel realli anxious. This panic in Tartu and now during Midsummer's day... I feel like I need to do something about it.

Like on one day I wanted to go to the gym. I got home, stopped by the store on the way and all, and then I figured I would go and spend like half an hour at the gym, doing something on the machines and firgure out some dumbbell stuff, because it was quite later and I would want to come home soon.

And then when I left home, it started. This weird feeling. I worried that there was going to be a fire at home. And like, I don't know, it was so random. Then on the way to the gym I even thought about turning around and going back home to check. Which I didn't do in the end. As soon as I got to the gym, this weeling becaome worse and I really thought something had happened at home. I even checked the news on my phone to see if there was a fire reported???? So weord. I tried to talk myself out of going home and even sent a message to my sister, but nothing helped. So in the end I went back home after 15 minutes spent at the gym. And OF COURSE everything was fine at home!

I felt really bad, because I really would have liked to work out some more, I just had so much good energy and all. I felt like I wanted to cry and my head was spinning, I just felt so disgustingly awful. And even when I got home, I didn't really calm down, I was just upset at myself then. Because I was in panic for no reason at all and I wasted so much time. -.-

I have had this weird panic since the fire safety lecture at work. I mentioned this in one of my earlier posts as well. But yeah, at one point I was over it, but now it is back. Even going to the store for a second stresses me out a lot.

I have a psychologist appointment soon, so I will probably talk about this. I will see if my psychiatrist is also around, I would like to talk to him about my meds and stuff. The dosage and everything is in question. I guess he will say I will never be free of them, but I want to know his thoughts on the topic. He usually just prescribes meds for half a year and that's that. :D Which is like, yeah, cool, but does it really help me?

I will try and calm down, at the moment I feel a bit worried about my flat still. Even thought I KNOW nithing bad can happen. I checked the stove for 10 times, I locked all the doors and windows, but there is still some anxiety. It is just so weird, because usually my anxiety is food or health based, but now it is about being away from home. :S I just don't know what to do with it.

Today there is also some added stress as I have yet again gained some weight. A lot, actually. More than it seems possible. And then I feel really uncomfortables, my thighs get on my nerves and I HATE when they rub agains each other. At the moment I am just thinking about wanting to DIE. But like, I am not going to do anything about my weight. I just love food too much.

At work on another day we had a two kinds of cake, it was hard. More difficult than usually, probably because of my weight in the morning. And I can't walk today, I have to go straight home, because my sister and her friend are coming over to see if they would like any of my clothes I don't wear anymore.

And tomorrow I am busy, we are going to a friend's place to chill with people. Then I also have something on Friday, plans for Saturday, not to mention Sunday. My social calendar is too full, I feel like I am going to explode. I need some time for myself. But at the same time I don't want to cancel anything, because who knows when I will have another opportunity to do those things? Probably not for a while, if not ever. Or I will be actually busy on another time. Like next weekend we are celebrating my Grandma's birthday, then I won't be in Tallinn at all. So yeah, I need to use all the opportunities I have been given. But it is just SO-SSOOOO difficult!

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My psychologist taught me some breathing exercises and some thinking frames to follow when I feel panic-y or anxious. I think that I won't remember whem when I need them, but at least I know there is something I can probably do. I think that it would be good to experience this panic now, then I could practice or something. :D Though I don't think it is wise to hope that, as I don't want to feel bad.

Anyway, yesterday at friend's place, it was super nice. I felt really down all day, but this gave me new energy.

There has been many things going on while I have written this post, like this was on Grandma's birtdhay. I also baked two big kringels, one cheesy one and one cranberry-marzipan one.

And of course I overate. And I drank too much. And in general, it is difficult to live. But at the same time I was sure I was going to have a lot of panic the next day. Because I usually do, I have this ovewhelming anxiety after a party, and I was prepared for it, which is why I probably didn't have it as much. On Sunday moring I felt a little anxious still, but not as much as has happened before. And this small anxiety also passed quite fast, it was so amazing. I didn't have to cry and whinge about feeling so bad, I managed it all on my own.

On the next day we also went back to my Grandma's place, we sat outside and had some leftovers. I tried Marta Pagar's vegan shaslik, but I will write about it on the review post.

We had so many cakes, thus I had four. And some more kringel. At night when we got home from Viljandi, I felt like I really couldn't eat anything, but I still did it. And today morning my weight had gone up a lot. Anyway, I had a proper breakfast and I wasn't really bothered. I think I will remember it at one point during the day and get all the nasty emotions with it, but at least today morning I just shrugged and thought it didn't matter?! It was really stange. :D Especially as I had just complained to a friend about feeling guilty and these feelings never leaving me.

I just think that after all kinds of events I shouldn't really weigh myself. Because I just make myself upset. But I am curious at the same time...

Aaa, also when I left my Grandma's, then my aunt and someone else told me I should still gain a couple of kilos. And then I said that I am having a pint of ice cream every night, to which they said that this is already unhealthy. Thanks.

Actually I am not angry, it doesn't affect me as much any more. At the time it is maybe difficult to hear, but I know people don't mean things in a bad way and sometimes they are trying to make jokes.

Also I have been really bothered before, when my Grandma has commented on my weight. She usually says something like "you have gotten so big" or something, but this time she just said that I look so much better and this comment was so sweet.

She also received the card I sent her and said I never fail to surprise her, hehe. It was so sweet and I love sending her things sometimes.

I took a really easy day yesterday, I think I walked about 2000 steps maxiumum, but I wasn't bothered by it. I was just tired and thought that I didn't really feel like going for a walk. And past two days I also haven't done almost any walking, so it is good I had just challenged this not walking for a day.

I would like to go to the gym today, but honestly I don't know if I have time. I have a thought, but I shall see when I a m getting home etc. I don't know what to make for dinner either. I don't know if I want anything sweet or savoury. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should have porridge three times a day again, because this would be so good. :D Also yesterday I wrote to my sister when I was going to a store, asking what the heck should I make. And then I told her, I would like a porridge, to be honest, haha. :D

But yeah, I don't know what to do with this panic and anxiety. Should I look into it more and maybe ask for extra meds? Because these few times when I was in Tartu and also after Midsummer's, I have been too anxious and it has been pretty awful. And when I get this panic attack at work, it is extra bad. Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it just doesn't cut it.

How do you deal with bad thoughts?

Are you a breather, or do you use any other helpful tips?

What the heck should I make for dinner?

Also on Friday I am finally planning to have food related challenge, but it may still change. :D I just have an idea, maybe I can actually do it at some point, too.

You know the feeling when you want to go and have lunch outside, you go to a cafe and just take the lunch offer? Well, I don't.

Until yesterday.

I got an opportunity to go out to eat and take my friend with me, so we went to vegan cafe called SIIN (siin means "here" in english). And it was so good to just go there and not worry if the food is okay for me. Because all the daily meals are 100% vegan and they are normal, homemade food.

There are some places near my work, that offer vegetarian food. And for some odd reason it is always fried cheese, pureed soup with cheese and other kinds of stuff with cheese. It really seems that they can't come up with anything else. :D They think that ok, at least it is not meat, so it's fine. So I gave up going for a lunch out while I am working.

Yesterday I also had university entrance exam (which didn't go too well, because what the hell were these questions?), but I took a day off from work to relieve some of the stress at least. And I had exactly enough time for lunch between the exam and interview.

I have lunch - always. But in general it is quite small, so this caused me a lot of guilt. What were we offered? Oh yes - soya mince sauce with potatoes or buckwheat, fresh salad and some bread. It was EXACTLY the kind of normal lunch I aim for! I had to tell myself over and over again that normal people eat this food all the time. :D

Anyway, the food was amazing. Simple and tasty. It didn't have too much salt or too many other seasoning, it was just, well, good. Again I wondered why I don't make something similar at home more often. :D But yeah, it was nice to have a homemade meal without having to put any effort in. Just walk in and you are being served. :D

We went at around 12, the food had just gotten ready. The place itself as well was really sweet and cosy, I really liked that you could sit by the window and look out on the street. We talked to my friend about this always being our favourite spot.

It started raining so much exactly when I headed to the cafe. I dropped by a store to get myself a raincoat, as I didn't have an umbrella on me. :D Anyway, it was really nice to sit inside, look at the storm and dark skies and enjoy good food and nice compay. Ah, they also sold a lot of the products in the store from this website: paradisefoods . My bag was full of stuff at that point and I couldn't get anything unfortunately. :D But yeah, they had some stuff I have never tried before. 

They are open every day now as well, even during the weekend. And you can also order food from there via Bolt food or Wolt. I think I am going to order lunch sometimes from there, because honestly, it is such a soul food.

Then at first I thought that I was not going to have the bread, but it was so nice and fresh and soft that I had to eat it, haha. :D Perfect with this simple meal, even though I don't usually have bread with my lunches or dinners, I have bad memories from the hospital. :D But doing this now is the only thing that helps me get better.

Also every time after your meal you get a vegan chocolate candy as well, it is perfect to finish the meal, as I have always said I need at least ONE bite of something sweet. :D And this also gave my brain some energy, because I had to go back to the uni to take the interview. Also, we had cappuccino and it was amazing, I had only had one coffee that day and usually I would have had three by this time already.

Anyway I really recommend this place! And again, I really loved that I could take the lunch offer, without having to think if it is okay for me. Just went in and got food. :D Also the portion size was quite good, I liked that they also offer a small plate as well. In some places they only have one size, even though I think this has started to change slowly. But anyway, I was happy with this. :)

I think my interview at the university was a bit better than the test, but I can't say for sure. I knew that I was prepared, but the questions they asked were just awful. For example "what did this philosopher say to that lawyer" etc.... I thought they were going to ask questions I really needed to know in working at law. :D Some questions were easier as well, but I am quite unsure. But well, if I can't get in, then the world is not going to end, I can try again next year, as at least I know what to expect (if they don't change it, that is). So at the moment I am just hoping it goes well, but I am prepared for the negative answer as well. I should get the results soon (ALSO I AM BEHIND IN TRANSLATING MY POSTS, I DID GET IN!)

It was really funny to sit at the university, in the class. I graduated from Bachelor's in 2016, so it has been a long time since I was at school. I kind of do miss it, doing something. This is why I am thinking it would be nice to get into studying again - it would be something to aim for and I finally feel that I have enough energy for this.

Yesterday, when I got home, I thought about going to the gym, because today I am going to my parents' place, but I left it there and just rested at home. I did drop by a shopping center and got a new pair of jeans though. I have a lot of pants, but they all are a bit too tight and bring me negative emotions, so finally I can throw them out and wear new ones. The pants I got are really quite nice, light blue, perfect for summer.

There has been a lot of eating out recently. For example on Tuesday I went to Vabrik and also at Jahu restaurant. This does kind of make me stressed, but it is good as well, to get out of my comfort zone. For example today I don't really feel bad at all, I just remember good things from Tuesday. As I tell myself quite often: feel shit, but do it anyway, because there is not progress if you don't.

Yesterday evening I also really wanted to skip dinner, but I didn't do it. I had curd cream with strawberries, raspberries, mango and Lizi's granola my friend got me to relieve my exam stress. And it is really good, I just snack on it randomly. :D Tasty as hell! I have kind of gotten over my cereal addiction and moved on to muesli/granola.

And this bowl I made was really good. Last time I had something similar, I whinged on the blog, saying I wasted calories, haha. :D So it was nice to repeat the challenge and show myself that this was good this time. :D

And now today after work I am going to Viljandi. My grandma turned 80 in the spring, but due to corona she didn't have a party, now she is finally doing it outside. My task is to bake two really big kringels - one sweet and one savoury. I think I can do it. :D I really love cookings, especialyl for others. xD When I went to SIIN cafe I thought that oh man, I want to own a cafe as well, it would be so cool to make a menu and cook and so on. So if my lay career fails at one point, I know what I want to do. :D

Lately I have had so many "accidentally vegan" days and honestly I feel really good. :) I have a habit tracker on my bullet journal and I always mark down when I have a vegan day and in July there was a lot. Even though it is the beginning of the month only! But I haven't tried too many vegan products this month, I hope to get better at it. I just need to put my mind to this.

Where else should I go and eat in Tallinn?

What is your favourite food you would like to make in vegan version?

If you had to cook me ONE meal, what would you make? :D

Or okay, not really zero, because this is quite impossible. Then I would have had to stay in bed all day, not to mention I couldn't go to bathroom. But I walked... very little. How much? Well, I don't know, because I removed my watch, put it in the drawer and decided to spend the day doing nothing.

On Saturday I went to the beach with some friends and then later we all came to my place and on the next day I was just soooo tired. I got out of bed at like half past 12 and I was thinking about going to the gym. But then I wondered why. Why do I make myself go, if I really don't have to. Why do I keep making myself walk around for hours and hours? And I gave myself a permission to rest. I accepted the thought of doing nothing all day. Not go out at all. To rest.

And as soon as I gave this permission to myself, I felt so good. So free. So normal. I didn't check the time. Usually my weekend is like that: at least by 11 I am out of the house, taking a little walk. Then I go back home to have lunch and after lunch at one point I go to the gym. But I didn't want to force myself, I didn't want to think that I HAVE to move, have to do something, have to be active. And it was soo freeing.

Of course laying in bed I looked at other's Instagram stories and saw one for example that said "if you walk home from a party and night and have 17 000 steps by 7 am". It was, well, triggering. Instantly I got this competitive feeling and I felt like I should walk a bit as well, why am I so lazy, a vegetable doing nothing. :D And then my next thought was that why do I even compare myself to them. What does it give to me? Nothing but stress.

I had a lot of fun last night. I felt like a human, not like an eating disorder or depression or anxiety or suicidal. I felt just... normal. I was interested in people, talking, being, music etc. I didn't think about not doing anything. I had a very easy day activity vise yesterday, even though at first I did plan going to the gym. But I skipped it. Because it doesn't matter. If you don't go to the gym for a week. Two. Three. Just... don't go at all if you don't feel like it, it is fine. :D There are a lot of people who don't do any activity. There are so many more aspects to life.

At the moment I have already had breakfast, proper lunch, drank several cups of coffee with vanilla soya milk and honestly I still feel very normal. In the morning I had a loot of anxiety. Honestly I felt like I was going to die. I even did some breathing exercises my psychologist taught me and all that. I don't know if it helped. Maybe a little, I got out of my head, focused on this one thing and it releaved some panic. But it didn't go away completely and at the moment I feel a bit disgusting, but I am not giving up.

In the evening my sister is coming over, I will try to make some Chinese and I will make naan bread myself. I hope it comes out fine, I have hope. :D I need to go by the store and get some veggies for it. My first thought was that I should go to the one Maxima store that is further away so I could get some steps in. But then I was like no, Signe, we are having a rest day. And if I already walk a few thousand, I can't stop.

I am annoyed at the constant step measuring. From my home to shopping center: 7500-8000 steps. From work to home: 12 000 steps. From my place to my sister's place: 3000 steps. From work to the shopping center: 4000 steps. It is pointless. :D But somewhy I just remember these things.

I liked that when I told my best friend I am doing this challenge, she just said "FINALLY". :D Because yes, this is a problem. And this feeling that you CAN rest is so freeing. Yes, I did think that maybe I shouldn't eat that much today, because I am not moving a long etc. But like, food is good, you gotta eat and even just being uses up some energy. I wouldn't have had any strength to write this post if I didn't eat. :D I wouldn't have been happy to go downsairs when my friend brought me some honey (good Estonian honey, if anyone is interested). I would have been too tired to talk to her. But it was so fun. Just to see another person for a few minutes and chat a little. It really made me feel more positive.

Anyway yes, this is my Sunday. A proper rest day. I could get used to this. :D Yes, I like walking, running, hiking, working out, being active and all that, but it doesn't mean I want it to be my obsession. I want to do those things when I feel like it. For example yesterday I went for a walk and during the middle of it I wrote to my sister saying that I don't want to walk anymore. I just couldn't. It was a waste of time.

I should of course study for uni entrance exam, but... well,I have a REST day. Sundays are meant to be for resting. :D I am starting to understand this, I hope I can incorporate more days like this into my life.

But yeah, in general... when people share how much they walk and how many steps they have taken, it is really heavy and awful in my mind. I am trying to get rid of it so much, but it always still affects me negatively. This is why I almost never write down how much I walk etc, I just don't want people to compare themselves to me and feel bad or think that they need to beat me. This is a very bad road to walk on.

I will now go to the closest of stores and then continue laying in bed, because... RESTING.

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And now I have been to the store, taken a shower and cleaned a little at home. I am feeling million times better. I sat outside in the sun a little and I just was, not thinking about the steps and not counting the steps in my mind, which is a thing I sometimes do. I just chilled and was present, was with myself. I have gotten rid of the anxiety, maybe a little is still left, but not much. Soon my sister is coming over and... I don't know, I feel human. :D I am not worried about not walking and these kind of moments are really important to me.

I thought that maybe I could record some of the book and I guess I will do it a little later. I will try to mark down later or tomorrow how I am doing in general. :D

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So, okay, in the evening I also didn't give uo and I didn't go for a walk, even though I wanted to. Instead I started making food, when my sister came. I planned making tempura coated veggies with chilli-garlic-honey sauce and naan bread. My tempura coating was a bit of a failure, because I had some premade mix, and I made it too liquidy. But it tasted fine still.

I used carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, cut it all into small chuncks and put them into the tempura batter and then to the air fryer. Also added some salt. I made it in batches, to make them crispy, and then put everything in at once to make them hot. It came out really well. Then I had some sriracha-galric sauce which I added honey to, mixed everything up and it was done.

At the same time I also made some naan bread. I tried to find this recipe online, but I couldn't. Anyway, I used 150 g of flour, 150 g of yoghurt, teaspoon of baking powder, tablespoon of water, teaspoon of salt and a little sprinkling of sugar. I mixed it all up, kneaded it for a bit and rolled it out. It was SUPER sticky, but I managed!

Fried it a few minutes on the pan in oil from both sides and then topped it with herb-butter and garlix mix. It looks green due to the herbs in butter.

Anyway this dinner was AMAZING. Me and my sister watched three episodes on Brooklyn 99 and enjoyed the evening. Then I went to bed. It was a really nice rest day and this has been one of my favourite challenges, haha. :D