Silence before the storm

11:49:00 PM

I wish I could say that this is a miracle story and I am okay and doing better and I am living and breathing and being. In reality though, it is not like that.

It is kind of funny that I have not told any of this to people in my life - about my last doctor's appointment, or how things are. I still want to write it down here.

So overall... things are not great. For the last time I got extended time to do better, until 15.07.2019 and if nothing has changed by then, I am going to inpatient treatment in Tartu (another town in Estonia).

I wish I could say that I have done all I could to be better, but I don't want to lie. It is so fucking difficult.

What is positive is that at least I don't feel constant panic. Few weeks ago I was in panic for about 6-7 days in a row, I couldn't even function at all. My head was spinning, I was nauseous, I felt cold and hot randomly. While doing nothing. Just sitting at woek. Hands were shaking. I wanted to cry.

It was really difficult to deal with that. It was as if I had prolonged panic attack and it just wouldn't come to an end. My body was in flight or fight mode. I told about this to my psychologist, who I have seen three times by now, but I don't feel any help from her side.

They keep telling me that there is no point in therapy until I gain some weight. Which is like... okay, I get it. Why wouldn't we try to talk about my guilt that comes with eating then? It is a strong feeling which I would like to get out and open. Whenever I do try to talk about it, I just am greeted with nothing. It is tough. I feel like writing this blog helps me more than seeing an actual doctor. :D

Actually I could write this all down just for myself, but at the same time there is something in sharing my story. For example I would love to read someone's blog about similar stuff. Maybe it would be easier like this? I don't know if anyone will ever read what I am writing right now, but maybe, just maybe someone does and it helps them.

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  1. You fight is the fight for others, Signe, I support you always.