Welcome to the new post. Have some chocolate and coffee with me!

04.02.2020

My weight has gone down a little. Not much, but still a little. Even though I have eaten more. I am still a bit worried over the trip, I keep thinking that I am probably going to gain a lot of weight in Japan and thus right now it is okay to loose some. These are sick thoughts and I shouldn't think like this, but it is just in my mind and I can't get rid of it.

I think that when I am back from Japan, I am going to join a gym. I will pick one that is probably the most expensive, but it has best lesson times. I mean, I am not going to work out a lot or anything, but I would like to start doing some yoga. I have always liked yoga, especially in the summer when I went to some outdoor classes. It was so nice. And I think it helps to see your body how it actually is. I get a better view of myself. So I think it should be good for me. I would probably only attend classes once or twice per week. I think it would also help with the constant home-work-home-work life. It has become so annoying. I want to just DO something else.

Talked to my mum about it as well. She is doing line dancing and I told her to imagine that she cannot dance any more. Wouldn't she go crazy, as it is huge part of her life? :D She agreed that it would be pretty sad and said that she agrees with my yoga plan. Finally a thing to look forward to after the trip.

05.02.2020

And today morning my weight was 200 grams up and I instantly felt awful. How does this make any sense? Why do my mood needs to be dependent on it? Why can't I think that yay, I am doing the right thing and going to right direction?!??

06.02.2020

The weight remained the same, meaning a bit higher. Today it is easier to accept it and if it was the same tomorrow, I would get used to it. This is good. Then there can be another gain and I would need another few days to get used to it. This would be the best case scenario.

I still haven't been able to make doctor's appointment, but what else is new. I don't really want to go and see the doctor at all, but my recipes are running out and I cannot function without meds. Besides, it is known that you can't just stop taking antidepressants, it should be reduced bit by bit. Especially if you have been on medication for years.

07.02.2020

Today my weight had dropped another 400 grams. Surprisingly I did not feel good seeing this, I was worried instead. This shows how much the weight fluctuates over a week. I still am counting the weights on Mondays and Thursdays mostly, these are what "count". I thought I will write thies down here to see how it is. I guess the best would be to take weekly average, but I am not writing down the exact numbers to do that.

10.02.2020

My weight still goes up and down. Emotions are... I don't even know. I have been trying to have more stuff as snacks, but it is difficult, especially because I am used to some things.

I thought I would give you an awful example from my life regarding the eating disorder. I was in a store and needed to buy cheese. I accidentally checked the calories per hundred grams and freaked out. And I picked the cheese that had SEVEN CALORIES LESS in the end. Did it give me something? Am I not gaining weight now? Absolutely not. But my illness made me do this. This is absurd. After that I did think that... what did this prove now? Nothing. If anything, I should have picked the one with more calories. But nooooo.

There has been similar situation with... picking beans. Can of beans. One of them has 105 calories per 100 grams, the other has 101. Obviously I picked the one with 101. I am so tired of this shit. But this is so automatic, I don't even think about it when buying food. After doing it I just get the thought like "what the fuck did I just do".

I have been having a lot of pomelo later, it has become good and safe food. I should challenge myself more and have something else. Usually I pick between pomelo and ice cream. I will look around in the store today and see if there is anything I haven't had yet. Would be interesting. It is almost spring, maybe there are some new products.

I saw an ad the other day, there are raspberry Domino (our version of Oreos) cookies out now. Cardamom ones were really good and I liked them more than regular ones. I should try these now, when I stumble across them. There are some campaigns as well, Valentine's day is coming.

11.02.2020

Today I have a dentist appointment and I am getting braces for my upper teeth. I am bit scared about the eating after it - I mean, does it hurt a lot. Also, should I write about getting the braces and the whole process? I picked the dentist according to one Estonian braces blog and it really helped me.

I am glad it is not weird for adults to have braces these days, so I am feeling quite okay. And it is something that I am doing for myself. Finally something is happening.

You can say that somehow my teeth were triggers for my eating disorder. I couldn't change my teeth. And wanted to focus on something else, which became my figure. But I went too far. Maybe all this braces thing finally helps me with eating disorder. I hope so at least.

12.02.2020



I have lost all my will to eat. My teeth hurt so much, I can't bite or chew much and I feel as if I am not tasting things and I can't enjoy food. Basically I swallowed down my breakfast porridge. This sucks and I wonder if it is really worth it in the end.

I guess it is. Considering I have been saving up for it for sever years at least. And I do think I will write a post or two about the braces-saga. Just to document this and maybe help someone. Currently I have spent at least 1500€ on my teeth (fixing the teeth, taking out wisdom teeth and now braces). A lot more to go.

I really hope that eating will get better and I get used to it fast. I really want to enjoy the food culture in Japan and not only live on pudding and soups. :D

13.02.2020

My weight still goes up and down a lot. Around 500 grams of difference almost every single day. So I don't even know how much I weight currently.

Eating is still difficult, but I think it is a BIT better today. I feel annoyed with the braces while I am talking instead, my lips kind of get stuck on them and it is really uncomfortable.

Tomorrow I am going to my parents' for the weekend. There is a theater play we are going to see, and also celebrate my grandma's birthday. It is still difficult to eat not at home (except for the trip, I have made my peace with it), so I am a bit worried about the party. And then coming back home on Sunday, I need to get ready for the trip.

I will probably pack on Monday, but maybe there are some last minute things I need to do, I try to give myself enough time. I imagine I am too excited to focus on Monday and feel like I am going crazy. :D Probably going to pack my suitcase like eight times. :D

We have planned to go to onsen in Japan as well and I think it is going to be an awesome vacation. :D Literally cannot wait. I try to worry about stuff in advance and then proceed to enjoy things as they come. I am so happy that I am going to travel with my best friends, not having to do it all on my own. Every experience is better when you get to share it with someone.

What else... today I was contacted by one magazine and they asked if I was willing to tell a little about my eating disorder. I thought for a long time and in the end I decided to do it. There is some discussion about eating disorders in media, but whenever you look for something, you maybe find 1-2 articles and there is not much new. Ideally I would like to see the change. I want people to be more aware of it.

For example I wrote in my chocolate post (where I called out a company for marking down how much you need to work out to burn the calories from the chocolate), that people can have an eating disorder without actually realising it. I think that if people talked about it more, people who need it, would have more information and they would know what to do.

Anyway, I think you have a good overview about things in my life and... see you on Monday. I will try to get up one more post before the trip.



Also happy Valentine's day - almost heart-shaped stone for you!