I don't know what happened yesterday. Recently everything has been really good. Things are going well and I am feeling at ease, I have my own place, my own home. Christmas time is pretty, I feel free and my relationships are going wel.

And then yesterday happened (PS, when I am writing this, it is Wedensday, 23rd of December).

I felt really uneasy starting from 11 am, I don't know why. I had this weird huge burst of anxiety, my heart was beating really fast and I wanted to have a cry. The whole thing ended with me calling to my sister and crying for half an hour on the phone. I tried to talk it out, make it understandable for myself... but I couldn't. I was so worn out in the end it was difficult to do anything or distract myself. It was just hard.

And then I thought that I used to feel like this all the time. Every day. I didn't want to live, everything was scary and I had a weird panic. I don't understand how I even functioned. Because yesterday was just awful.

I thought that I can't do anything all day and I really just wanted to be alone and do nothing. But at the same time I was scared that it will turn into this circle where I want to be alone all the time again, I will cancel plans and basically just be a vegetable. I didn't want this to happen either. So I told my friend to come over and we watched the fourth Harry Potter movie. And... believe it or not, I did start to feel a little better. By the end of the night I had calmed down, I had some anxiety left, but not as much as during the day.

I don't know what came over me. It was a complete desperation. I tell you, I don't remember the last time I felt so shitty and this was really quite scary. I couldn't even explain it. At the same time I wasn't the only one who had a really bad day, so maybe it was state of the moon or someting.

And I know these kind of days may come. I talked to my psychologist on Friday about it. She said that bad days may come and they will come. But on those moments I need to understand that this will not last and it will help me through them.

I actually wanted to write a post already yesterday, but I didn't. And today I am a lot calmer and I can think clearly. This is good. My psychologist also always tells me that I can think logically and analyze the situation as if I am onlooker. I think I am pretty good at it, yes.

I don't even know if I will publish this post. Maybe. Also I will maybe write a little about Christmas too. Kind of matching with desperation, isn't it. :D 

Honestly I am not as negative as this makes me sound. Today is pretty good day. For example I went to the store during lunch, and I found a bag on my door handle. It was a wrapped present with two Kinder Buenos. And it had a mark on flat number on it. Amazing. I looked at the other doors, but no one had anything? Maybe they had already picked them up, who knows. Anyway, it is highly unlikely that the person who made this gift would read my blog, but in general I wanted to say thank you.

Recently I have gotten a lot of surprises, I don't know what to say. :D No idea how I deserved these things.

After Christmas I really wanted to join a gym again, because one is really close to my home. But oh well, a lockdown in Tallinn again. This sucks. I feel sorry for all the restaurants and cafes that probablt have to close down for real. :( Me and my friend thought that maybe we should use Wolt more to order food... not a bad idea actually. It is still difficult to eat foor that others have made, so this would be a good challenge.

With challenges - they are not over. Yes, my weight is on the way to get to normal range and things are a lot better, but there are still a lot of fears in my every day life. I think snacks I have had have been the most helpful, but for example lunches are still really difficult. But I have been good in general.

In relation to my desperation I also wondered if it is because my hormones are getting back to normal levels? Maybe? I haven't looked it up online, but I should probably do some research.

Anyway, at the moment we are planning on going to my parents' for Christmas. I am max stressed over it and my sister thought that my panic yesterday came from it. Or actually... I don't even know if I am stressed. A little on some level I guess. But at the same time I worry and am stressed because I don't worry? :D It is like it is with guilty feelings - I feel guilty for not feelng guilty. :D Very confusing.

It is so nice to write these things down and read over later. In general when I start a post early, before publishing it I read it over and think that oh wow, did I really feel like this and thought like that. I recommend. Writing things down is quite good.

Anyway yes, I wish you the happiest of Christmas

And...

I overate at Christmas. Depressing. Half of the night I managed to take it easy and feel good, but then I was too full. But I didn't stop eating. I ate and ate as it was my last meal ever. Why couldn't I stay ate the comfortable fullness level?! I don't know. I don't know. Every time I think that now I will do it, then I am faed with food and I cannot. I want more and more. In the end I didn't even count the plates I had... not to mention all the candy and gingerbreads I got down. :(

Tomorrow will be difficult. I already know it. At least I am going home and I can do my own thing and hopefully stuff will get back to normal. Oeh.

I am kind of glad I don't have any plans for the new year's eve. I can take it easy. I wouldn't mind spending it completely alone to be honest. Or I don't know. I just feel I want to be alone at the moment. It always feel like this after overeating. Õõh.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.