First one of them was V, and I picked vanilla pudding. I couldn't come up with anything else starting with V. There is this company in Estonia that just came out with three new puddings (vanilla, chocolate-hazlenut and caramel) and I tried one of them.
Again I have to repeat that Estonia doesn't have as good puddings as Japan. :D I really miss them... but I don't think sending them via parcel is a good idea. But yeah, this pudding was a lot more than usually, meaning more claories than my snacks usually have. But I really enjoyed it so that was good. I got a different one, the chocolate-hazlenut one for today and I will try it out. / I have tried it now and it was so so good. Really one of the best new products I have tried recently. I will definitely have it more often.
Next letter was W meaning waffle or wafer. At first I wanted to get this Belgian waffle, but they only had packs of like 8 in the stores. So instead I picked Gesha's chocolate-wafer. I got it a whiiile ago, but I was too scared of trying it. I also thought that I would have liked to have this old retro waffle made in proper waffle maker, but I was too lazy to look for it in the cafes or something.
Anyway, eating this was indeed a challenge, as on the same day I went to visit a friend who cooked us dinner. And I had too much food. Like really too much, not just my too much. All of my mind and body told me that I should skip snacks or my lunch, but I didn't do this. Even though this was one of the most difficult days recently. Also I get to be proud of myself as I didn't WEIGH myself the next day! This is such a huge thing for me. :D I really wanted to, but I knew that would lead to restricting.
Also I don't want to live rest of my life having to know if I am having a meal outside from home. I don't want to be scared of having food at someone else's place and also having snacks. I want to enjoy life and eat more on some days. I want to enjoy spending time with friends. I want food to not be as important and I want to think about different things. I want my problems to be different from "what's for a snack or meal". Honestly. I am just tired of it.
And with Z it was zucchini. I made it in the oven and marinated beforehand, using oil! Which made it a challenge. I marinated it with some mushrooms and in sauce that had soy sauce, oil, a little bit of vinegar, pepper and a lot of garlic. And the taste was great, I highly recommend! One of my friend said that she has a lot of zucchinis growing, meaning we will get a lot of them. So it will probably become a normal part of my diet.
As I didn't use the whole of zucchini, I have been grating rest of it into my porridge. It doesn't mean that I add less oats - no. Zucchini has very little calores, but it is a good way of having more greens in your diet. Even though I have a lot of veggies in general. But this seems to be a popular hack.
At some pint I thought that everyone are baking banana breads (which I still haven't done, even though I have been meaning to bake something with bananas, for example muffins), but zucchini bread is also quite popular. During the lockdown there were tons of recipes going around.
For last week I had a lot of goals:
First one was to pick something in the store without seeing the calories. I mention on my last post that I would like to get poppy seed pastry. And I did it! I got a pastry covered in icing sugar and enjoyed it a lot. It was really great. It has been my dream for a while to go into a store and just get a pastry. Finally I did it and nothing bad happened. Who would have guessed.
My second goal was to have cereal with normal milk. This I haven't done yet, as I have been home alone (my sister is still at my parents' place) and I got some almond milk, as this lasts longer. I am too lazy to make several trips to the store just to get milk, especially because I only use it ony my coffee.
Thirdly I wanted to eat something outside of home. And this did happen - for example when I went to visit a friend and we had dinner together. And snacked a lot. I have this ritual; I always eat at certain times and what I do while eating (for example watch some travelling videos). And I like it. But I also want to enjoy social aspect of eating and feel more at ease when spending time with people. I don't want eating to be so called my time. I want to focus on talking to people, communicating with people. I don't want to focus on food being perfect and eating being perfect experience. I keep thinking that this time has not come for me yet, but I NEED to challenge this. Or I won't get out of this, ever.
Like when my friend was over and we had instant noodles together. :D It was good, it was nice and it really made eating more normal. I just... need to do it more. There is no other possibility. I want to enjoy eating alone but also eating with someone else. I don't want it to be like a special occasion or something.
Also I have stuck to having 4 snacks in a day and my weight shows it is woeking. Even though now this is the last post of the alphabet challenge, I still think I need to set new goals/challenges. At least one.
So next week I will add something to my porridge, which I haven't done or tried in a while. For example some cocoa, chai spice or peanut butter. Or something like that. It used to be regular thing with my porridge, but it became scary at some point. I dunno why though, the taste is amazing. So it is about time to set this goal again.
Some random lunch I had, just because it was so good. Vegetables with cheese, salad and iced coffee (to which I also added sugar, making it a huge challenge, woo!)
What I also wanted to talk about are the tips for recovery. Because there are some. But firstly...
What works for one person, may not work for the other. And this needs to be remembered. Even tricks that are really useful for someone, may not be useful to you. For example someone may find this alphabet challenge completely useless. And in general getting used to fear foods. For someone it may be good to eat 5000 calories per day until they reach normal weight. Just FOR ME it is better to have this gradual weight gain happening. So I could manage the nerves and anxiety.
Next... DO. For you to get better, you need to be active and really behave like this. Thoughts are not enough. Motivation or commitment are not enough. You need to show (especially to yourself) that you are really taking action. It is easy to say this, more difficult to do this. All kinds of knowledge you may gain from books or internet or blogs is useful, but nothing changes if you don't take the lead and don't act like you ar ein recovery. You need to remember your goal and DO things.
For example after being with friends and eating and snacking a lot, the next day I felt very full. I could have easily skipped snacks or an entire meal. I could have had a bottle of coke and told myself it was fine. But no. I didn't do that. I actively worked on having all the snacks and meals. It didn't matter that I was full and had had too much food. At the moment I can't allow myself to skip things. Not even once. It would start a relapse and I don't have time for this shit. Also I am not eating "too much" every single day. I happened once. And if you keep eating normally, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. I need to repeat this to myself sometimes, this is what I have learned now. And it is good to say so.
Another thing is educating yourself. You should know what will happen if you are undereating. But you also need to know what is happening while you are in a process of recovery. For example I can say that when I eat more, I get these night sweats. I never knew what happened, until someone told me it is because your hormones are starting to balance themself. I used to be scared and thought that something was wrong with me. It really helped to do some research and talking to nurses at the hospital. So I really recommend searching for information and reading someone's experiences. You may not get all the symptoms, but at the same time you may and it gives you some peace of mind.
You also need to set some rules for yourself. Rule about not skipping meals or snacks. Rule about not giving an inch to your eating disorder. Rule about not compensating if you have had more food than usually. You need to be like a parent to yourself. You need to act according to your brain, not according to your eating disorder.
Eat and rest. The only medicine to your illness is eating. Food is medicne. Ig you have, let's say, an infection, you don't tell yourself that hey, let's not take meds today. You will have meds to get better. You need to eat to get better! I think this is a great example. And also, you wouldn't advice anyone else to not take meds during their illness. NO!
Set yourself as your priority. You need to be selfish. You are important and you need to remember this.
Things that I didn't think were difficult, were much tougher than the things I thought will be. There was a huge difference between this week and last week.
S was for salmon. I got something in mango-chilli marinade and with this I had cottage cheese salad and some green beans. The portion was huge. And salmon... I know it is healthy. But at the same time "there is a lot of fat in salmon, salmon is a very fatty fish and so on" was still stuck in my head when I ate it. At the same time it has been my safe food - but only when my mum makes it. It was different when I made it. But it tasted super good and I already thought that I shall try it again. Use different marinades. Or add dill and butter on it like my mum often does... so I hope I will be able to repeat this challenge. At first I thought I will try making the salmon in my multicooker, but in the end I decided on the oven and I think it was a good call. With multicooker, there are more steaming programs and such, but I wanted to bake it. But who knows, I might try this out as well at some point. Because I need to repeat the challenges.
Next was T as in tofu and U as in udon noodles. This was the most difficult. It didn't matter that I had had udon in Japan, it was still tough. But the food came out sooo well. I added moodles, miso paste, some Korean chilli paste, mushrooms and tofu. Oh, and I also added some nori (seaweed). I was really surprised at how good exactly it was! And my sister, who doesn't like miso, also approved of it. Also I got a bigger pack of udon so I can make it again... maybe based on Korean chilli paste, to have a spicy broth. Or I can try something completely different. Anyway, why this was difficult, was because of the noodles. I really felt as if it was too much. And then I got the thoughts about why do I add tofu AS WELL, I could skip it. Use more mushrooms and other vegetables. But no, I didn't do that. Because actually I really like tofu. I like the texture and it really flavours well. What I also wanted to say is that... it looked good. :D It wasn't just any noodle soup, it was like a proper restaurant dish. :D I have never gotten more feedback on instagram for my story. :D
So this was all in all a good challenge. It made me try new recipes and also let other people know of new stuff I am cooking.
I am a bit afraid of my new, eating out, challenge. In regards with that - do anyone want to go and have a meal with me? I am too poor to buy you food, but I will be a good company. :D
Now for the last week there are three more letters - V, W and Z. These will be more difficult, because most of the things recently have been main meals and I have had this food with my sister. These all now, okay, except for Z, are snacks thay my sister won't be having. So yeah, this is a bit more diffiult. But at the same time, challengeeee!
I have been listening to some Estonian podcasts, but with this, if there are any podcasts you recomment, please let me know. Or any specific episodes of some podcasts. I am really open to listening to anything.
There was a time I thought recording a podcast would be something cool to do. Just to talk, as I am doing here. Or read the posts out loud. For people who are too lazy to read and would prefer listening. But I am not a guru or an influencer so I won't be doing that. :D
As per usual, I also wanted to touch upon last week's goal, which was trying a product I have been to scared of trying. And for that I came up with several things. For example some vegan patties. I am happy to say that I tried some. It didn't matter that it had "too much" calories! I am really proud. And they also tasted amazing. They weren't the scariest ones I could have picked, but it was still a start.
In addition I thought that on one day I would have a different snack which would be... a pastry. I have been wanting poppy seed pastry from the time I was at the hospital and my relative had it, but I was too scared. And I still haven't tried it until now. On one day I was walking around in a store and I saw some poppy seed breads. It was sad that I couldn't find out it's CALORIES. Which brings me to this - it is good! I would like to estimate how many calories it had, to know if it is okay to have as a snack, but I shouldn't do it, so this is a double challenge. Today, when I am writing this post, it is still Monday and as soon as I try it, I will let you know if this is as amazing as I am hoping. We shall see.
I also thought about some new goals/challenges for the week. I still want to continue with having four snacks, as this I feel is the most necessary thing. And it is good to know that I CAN have more food than just three meals and three snacks. It kind of limited me until now.
Next week I will try:
pick something at the store without checking it's calories. And eat it and not checking them. It should help me pick something I WANT to have. I hope I will manage. :D We shall see. You will soon know how I did.
eat breakfast cereal with regular/higher calorie milk. I have this weird habit that I can only have them with almond milk, which as less calories than most other milks. Yeah, muesli with almond milk is good, but I don't want to have almond milk just because it has less calories. I want to not even pay attention to which milk I am using. I want to pick my milk for the taste, not calories!
eat or drink something outside. I mean having something while out and about. Like having a pastry and eating it on my wat home. Or maybe I will finally go and have bubble tea. Or having coffee with someone and eating a pastry with it. I don't know if I am ready for it, but if I don't do it now, I feel like I won't ever do it. And this sucks.
try and sell or give away my clothes that are too small. Because what does it give me? As I have mentioned, I want to buy clothes for my body, not have a body for my clothes!
I also wondered what else to talk about. On some days I have more food during meals and more snacks. And I have discovered that actually on those days I am hungrier. Like, the more I eat the HUNGRIER I am? I don't understand this. But anyway...
Regarding hunger. This is normal. Especially when you are recovering. Because well... imagine a situation where you are with your friend and you are holding your breath while they are not. Then, when you finally breathe, you start gasping for air. They won't do that.
What can we see here? Your friend eats normally. You restrict and avoid things. When you finally let yourself eat, you will eat a LOT. You need more food as you have been restricting for so long. It is like with air - you need more air if you have been holding your breath.
I hope you can understand what I want to say here. Because to me it sounds really logical. A person next to you - they don't have an eating disorder, they don't feel as hungry and they can live normally. They don't need to gain weight. It also shows how MUCH you really need to eat to gain weight. Anyway, I feel like this way of thinking is helping me a lot.
New week and new challenge. Today, the time I start to write this post, it is Tuesday and it is P day, meaning pizza. As I mentioned, we are ordering from a place called Mega Hea Pizza (Mega Good Pizza).
I have been really stressing over it. Starting from having my sister check out the menu a week ago to figure out what exactly we want, until planning ahead at what time and how we are going to go and order it. I am also thinking that I should skip snacks, because pizza is a lot. But no, not going to do that. Time is passing and I need to make progress. Since I got this weird calm feeling, I have been really good! I mean, things have been hard. I have a lot of guilt. But... I guess I have become better at handling it and I am feeling happy about it. I am proud. Sometimes.
Soon I have my doctors' appointments and I really hope to get some help from my psychologist. Until now our meetings have been really pointless, because EVERY TIME she just says tat I can't help you when you weigh so little. Which I really understand. Thinking and mental things take a lot of energy, but... I need to get better at handling the guilt and food thoughts and I have hoped that she can at least help with that. Somehow normalize these things. But this hasn't happened until now. Anyway, I still hope that our meeting will be successful. Anyway, how was the pizza? Amazing! We picked vegan Russian pizza and it exceeded expectations. I really like that this pizza place has a lot of vegan options (Russian pizza had mustard sauce, cheese, salted mushrooms, garlic, onion and pickles!). We already decided with my sister that at the beginning of next month we will have another pizza from there - and she can pick something with meat as we are going to have two different ones. I think I will get a vegan Greek one, but everything seems so good that I am not sure. :D I guess I need to have more pizza to try everything!
I guess partly because of the diet culture, I felt better to have it on a rye bread crust. But at the same time it fit with the ingredients well. But next time I will have it on a normal base.
Also the place is super cute. It is really close to our flat so it is easy to go and pick pizza up. The worker was so lovely as well. We waited a little and played some table games while at it. My friend also suggested trying their vegan pancakes and I think I really should do it at one point. I also thought that when this alphabet challenge is over, I will maybe try and eat out once a week. Or have a takeaway. There are so many places I want to visit!
Next letter was Q as in quinoa. I fried up mushrooms with garlic and added frozen veggies. Then I boiled some quinoa, mixed it all together and added some fresh tomato and cucumber. In the end I topped it with a lot of feta cheese. Quinoa itself wasn't scary (I had three coloured quinoa), the feta cheese aspect was a lot more difficult. Because well, I had a pack of 200 grams and I didn't want to leave anything in the fridge. So I used it all. Cheese in general is difficult for me, on the pizza there was also a lot of it. And it got me going like "oh no, this is too much" yet again. But well, I had it and it was really good. My sister really likes quinoa, couscous, bulgur, rice and stuff, so she was really excited. She already said that she wants to have EXACT same thing again in the near future. And I think we could have it again. Also, about cheese... to quote my best friend - cheese makes everything better and this is true. I finally also had these Reese's peanut butter cups. I have always thought that I didn't like them. The only time I had tried them was when they were melty and tasted... like nothing. But at the same time I have had Ben and Jerry's ice cream with them and this was good. But anyway, I kept them in the fridge this time and... they were good. A lot sweeter than I remembered, but I really liked them. Also I had all three of them. Peanut butter and chocolate is a combo. I can imagine it going well with breakfast porridge... maybe I should get some more?!
Last week my goal/challenge was to have an extra snack in addition to my three snacks. And honestly - it has been difficult. BUT I have done so well! For example on one day I had a glass of wine (I am not promoting alcohol, but it was Friday and I was tired and I just wanted to enjoy the evening with my sister), which I would have never done before. If I wanted to do that in the past, I would have had to skip another snack. Which I didn't do!
On another occasion I took some cookies my co-worker brought. And they were so good. I had some guilt emotions later, but at this moment of having cookies... I felt free. Also, the next day she brought some marmelade-chocolate candies and I also had some of those! SEVERAL!
Then on the weekend I had two bowls of cereal instead of one. Or just had bigger snacks. I have also played around with meal times, meaning I haven't had food at set times. The dinner is still the most difficult, as I don't want to have it too early. Even if I am hungry already right after work.
I also repeated avocado challenge, which meant I had an avocado toast. It was soooo good. I guess I will be getting them more often. :D I mentioned to my friend that I had bread with butter and cheese and she said I should add some avocado. So this is where I got the idea from.
I should have a new goal for next week. A challenge. I really want to continue with the current one - having an extra snack - because it seems to help the most. This has been the most difficult one of the challenges, but it has been the most useful one.
Okay, let's make next week more difficult?
My goal shall be to have something that I have been wanting for a while, but haven't dared to have. For example some vegan products from Marta Bakery company. I used to have a lot of their patties, but they have so many new things now. And they all seem so good. But checking the nutrition labels, I have always become scared. I want to challenge myself and have something. Or just pick something else - a chocolate, a cake or a pastry that I have denied to myself. I guess it would be a good challenge.
What I also wanted to talk about is motivation versus commitment. Because I find that motivation in getting better is not enough. I can be motivated to get better, or think that okay, the possibility to start doing sports again is a good motivation. Or the fact that I can go and eat out with my friends. Or feeling free when travelling.
Lockdown showed me that these reasons are not always good enough. Because of the corona meeting people was out of the question, in restaurants you could only go to following 2+2 rule and all travelling is cancelled. So... when the motivations disappear - what is that is left? This kind of motivation is not enough.
This is when I have to turn to commitment. You don't only have to be motivated to get better. You have to be commited to it. You have to do things that are difficult every single day. You need to focus on it. You have to give your all. Maybe you need to write down some points regarding commitment that you can repeat to yourself?
For example:
I commit to having three meals and four snacks in a day.
I commit to gaining weight.
I commit to getting better.
Motivation is really easy to come across. But at the same time it is easy to lose it. For example something may be motivating one day but not so much on the other. For example one of my motivations could be to be better at my job. I feel like yeah, I need to have more food to think better. But at the same time there may be some other days where the tasks in hand are easier, and I think that huh, I don't really need to eat much more. This is why I need something extra. I don't know if it sounds logical or not, but for me it does.
I think I started to commit to recovery without actually noticing it. From the moment of this weird peace I have made decisions in order to get better. Every day. Again, again and again. I can't let myself go even for a moment, I need to be fully commited. There are also some simple small things that have helped me forward. For example telling my friend that see, I had another cookie or some additional chocolate. Or telling my acquaintance that I had pizza today. These small things help to commit. And honestly - don't be afraid to use these things. If there is someone who is willing to listen, who knows about your issues - they don't have anything against listening. I, for one, feel a bit more at ease when I do that.
Sometimes I think that I would like to do an interview with someone and ask how they are feeling. I mean people who are in the same position as I am. Do they think similarly to me? Do they understand the things in the same way? Do same kind of things help them forward? So, I just wanted to ask - if you have or have had an eating disorder, would you be willing to answer to some of my questions? You can leave ma a comment or just send me a mail. I just would be really interested to ask you some things? Especially on this topic. What are your motivations? What used to be your motivations? Do you think commitment is more important than motivation? I have soooo many questions. :D I would be really excited to write a proper article about this topic...
Anyway, this week's challenges went well, even though I thought it will be the most difficult week. But... fear has big eyes as we say in Estonian. But everything went well instead.
Weekend was difficult, as my sister's friend came to visit us and we ordered about 70 pieces of sushi. :D For lunch and dinner both. And then we had La Muu ice cream (Estonian ice cream company, their vegan brownie one is the best! I want to go to their cafe to try some other flavours... anyone up for an ice cream date?) and some strawberries and melon and other kinds of snacks. It was fun, we played Monopoly and iKnow. But yeah, on Monday I felt guilty and it was a difficult day.
Despite this, I was really good on Monday. I dodn't skip any lunches or meals and I did the challenge, aka picked MUESLI to have. Muesli is scary, because it is calorie dense and I always want to have a lot of it.
I had one chocolate one, which was really good. I used to have quite a lot of cereal, but I haven't done it recently, hence why it has become a fear again. As I have said several times - you need to repeat the challenges to get over something.
N was the letter for noodles. I got these ramen ones for me and my sister and also my friend came to visit me in the evening - we all had noodles. :D And these were so good. Nice and spicy and just a true... comfort food. And I got this thought that huh, I could have them another time. And the portion was exactly perfect. At first I thought it was too much, then I thought it was too little, but in the end it was just enough. And it was nice to have food with other people!
I also made a deal with my friend that next time we meet up, we are going to have Hesburger (kind of like McDonalds). They now have a veggie burger, which I have been wanting to try but have been too scared. :D I also promised to have fries with it, so... another challenge! But yeah, we were talking about how we used to live together and how we used to have McDonalds really often and didn't cook at home almost at all. But at the same time we all worked at the restaurant part time and we ate a lot there and also took food home from there.
O was finally Oreo cookies. I was terrified of them. I don't know why - maybe because a lot of people talk about them a lot of the time. And about how unhealthy they are. It is weird though because we have similar cookies in Estonia, by a brand Domino, which are pretty much the same... :D Actually Domino has some new flavour - peach and raspberry one, which I have't tried but would like to. They were supposed to be really good. But I haven't found them in the store.
Anyway, Oreo cookies were just okay. Not the best thing in the world. For example Milka's Oreo chocolate I liked a lot more. :D But at the same time - if I hadn't tried them, I wouldn't know if I liked them.
Having those was difficult, because my eating disorder voice in my head was like "have two" and then I tried to argue with it, saying that there are four in the packet and they are small so I should have them all. And it was difficult. But I did it. I had 4 Oreo cookies. And I am still alive!
I don't know, what, but something in me is changed. Monday was really tough and my thoughts were full of what I had during the weekend. But on Tuesday... I don't know. My morning started with weighing myself as usual, and the weight had gone up.
I still had my normal porridge for breakfast and I enjoyed it a lot. I also used the milk frother I have to make sort of a latte, which is usually scary for me - it has more milk than normal cup of coffee would have.
I got to work and I thought that I should skip my first snack - I wanted to have my Oreo cookies and knew it had more calories than my regular snack. And then I was like "whatever" and had my snack anyway.
Lunch arrived and I had my own home baked bread with a LOT of butter (and I mean, a LOT) and cheese. And I had three pieces. Calmly. I enjoyed the taste of every single bite. And I thought that yes, I will have the same tomorrow. I really enjoyed the falvour of butter, even though my mind kept going "tooooo muchhhhh". But I enjoyed it regardless.
At the same time I started to think that maybe I should have less Oreos. I have already had "too much anyway". But I didn't do it.
I also knew that we were going to have noodles as dinner, which I have been really scared of. And a proper portion as well, as they were not the random cheap ones, but ones from Korea, which I have tried once before and really liked.
I had them peacefully. I didn't even care.
Then it was the evening and I was thinking of not having the last snack of the day. It was supposed to be the new salted caramel and glazed almonds Magnum ice cream. I had checked the nutrition label at the store and thought that oh no, again so many calories. But you know, what? I just had it. Calmly. Maybe I did feel a bit bad, but I just let myself feel shit and after some time these feelings passed.
I was also thinking that in 20 days I have my psychiatrist appointment and he will weigh me. Maybe this gave ma sign, some momentary peace. I need to gain some weight by then, after it I can see if I need to restrict again or not (of course I am not going to, but I let myself think like this to calm ma eating disorder voice). Anyway today, Tuesday, has been weird. Like there had been some swich in my mind. I feel really... stable. Which is really weird and I can't really explain it... but it is what it is. And I really hope tomorrow will go like this as well, it would be awesome!
-
Now it is already the next day and I am not gonna lie - I am not feeling as calm today. But at the same time... I don't feel bad either. I thought I will have more feelings of guilt later, as per usual, but I don't know. I just shrugged and am living my day as normally as I can, I am not even thinking about yesterday much.
I have also been really good today. What was also weird is that today before lunch I got this thought that "I think I have had too little food". Which is the first time something like this has happened. And then when I had my snack, I had muesli again. AND THEN. To my own surprise, I had a bowl of cereal as well. Like, what? Me? I don't know her. :D
-
Thursday was really difficult. There were a lot of guilt emotions. But... at work we had a meeting and my co-worker brought some chocolate eggs. I had them.
Then I had my own snack (kohuke, curd cream dessert thingy). Then I had lunch. Theb my other co-worker brought cookies. Which I also had. Then I had another kohuke. After work I went out with some friends and we just sat and talked for a while. And then I went home and had proper big dinner. And then we tried Magnum's new ruby chocolate ice cream. I did think about the day and about feeling heavy and awful and I felt sorry for myself... but, I let myself feel shit and now it is already Friday morning and I am feeling a lot better.
I had porridge for breakfast. With mango and coconut. And it was good. It doesn't matter that mango has more calories than strawberries? Why would I care?
My last week's challenge was to have meals or snacks at different times than normally. And I have done so. Have had lunch on a different time or had snack right after the meal and so on. And I would like to write more about it, but... I don't even remember. So sticking to a strict routine is just bullshit. Ah, now I do remember. For example the day of the noodles, my friend came to my place and we had dinner a lot earleir than I am used to. And like... whatever.
I usually get this fear that what if I will feel hungry later, before going to bed. And then I was like, well, I will then just have more food? Why would I stress about it? :D
In general I wanted to say, don't get me wrong. This is not like "I am healed now". 99% of the time it is really difficult and I am feeling really shitty and there is a lot of guilt, but at least... I am doing something. I have finally started. Feel shit but do it anyway motto is real. I have tried doing it before, but it has not been successful. It is a lot easier to think that I will start tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. But the tomorrow never comes.
Next week's letters are P, Q and R. I added Q to the list, because quinoa is a good thing to challenge and I am scared of it. And also we have already planned to have pizza with my sister on Tuesday.
I guess I still should set a goal for the next week...
During the next week, I will have something additional to my snacks and mealst every single day. It could be a candy that someone offers at work; additional snack that I am giving myself, cookie, cake, or syrup in a coffee even. Something. And you know what? The new week starts today. So the first thing that I will do when I get to work, is having cookies my co-worker brought. :)
I started on Monday and picked juice with the letter J. It was an orange juice, which I used to really really love and what I would have every time I had breakfast. Especially when I was working in a restaurant. But now, this had become a fear. When I was at the hospital and my mum came to visit me, I had Boost juices sometimes, and they were scary as well. But since then I haven't had any juice. So yeah, I was quite afraid. Besides it made me feel like I was overly full, which was uncomfortable. Also no, I didn't have it all in one go, I took some sips here and there.
But it tasted amazing. My sister already said that now I can try other juices as well and to be honest - why not? I used to challenge myself to smoothies and drinks at one point, but I haven't done it now for a while. Actually I think juice makes a great snack. This gives your brain some sugar and it really helped with my energy level at work. Anyway, I totally approve of this... and I shall keep challenging the liquid calories.
For the next day it was K for KitKat chocolate which was with salted caramel. And it was really good. At these kind of moments I keep thinking about why I am not having more chocolate. Chocolate isn't essentially evil. Anyway I enjoyed it with a cup of tea and it made my day a lot better. I also got another one of the same KitKats waiting for me now.
On the same evening I also challenged L meaning lasagna. I got a frozen one from the store, because firstly, it is difficult to have food I have not cooked myself and I really didn't feel like cooking at all this day. I just had it with cucumber and tomato and fresh basil salad (I am growing some on top of my fridge and I am really proud of it!).
Lasagna was pretty decent, but having one that is self made would definitely have been better. Who knows, maybe on my second round of alphabet challenge I will make it myself. Also this really seemed to help me. I got this thought that "hmm, if I have another one of these I don't want to cook something, I could actually have it." It was the easiest challenge this far I think. I am slowly trying to get ready for the next week and a week after that as well. I am scared of the letter N and noodles, I don't know why, but it seems sooooo scary. :D So stupid. There is also fear about udon, even though I know I will like it (I at least liked it in Japan). And as I have already said a thousand time - egg noodles in wok are completely fine. How should I trick myself? Make ramen with egg noodles? Or will they become scary then? :D I don't know.
Anyway, how have I been doing regarding my goals?
The first challenge was to accept something when I am offered. This was made greatly, as we had a work out day with a buffee.
My second challenge was to have something out of the norm. Here I can take an experience where I left my snack at home and had to pick something at the store at random. This was actually easier than I was thinking, but still. The second thing here I can say was the weekend, because me and my sister ordered sushi again. We did a puzzle and ate and had snacks. And when we had had all the snacks, we suddenly wanted ice cream. We picked one called green smoothie and it was with kiwi and lemon, which was really good.
And the next day started with me feeling utterly bad about it. Why did I have this extra ice cream? I had so much food already, I had "too much". How in the world will I make myself realise that there is no such thing as "too much" in recovery?
The third challenge was to eat out or eat something I have not prepared. This was also well tackles, starting with ordering sushi, having lasagna and having all the food at the work event. The buffee there was just as bad as I was afraid. I ate too much, it was definitely a binge. I don't understand why I can't stop myself. Anyway yeah, this week was pretty difficult. Not just because of the letter challenge, but mostly due to this work event. Of course I am writing this post on the next day as well, so my emotions are fresh and I haven't had time to calm down.
I should set some goals for the next week as well, but honestly... I don't know. I feel that maybe I am trying to take too big steps here. And I haven't challenged the ones I have written down enough. Maybe I need to calm down a little?
Maybe I will set one goal instead, because three is too much. Today is a weird day. When I wrote the same post last week, I felt really happy and motivated, but today I am a bit... flat. I just want to sleep and not do anything until next week. I want these binge eating feelings to pass. I want the negativity in my head to pass too. I wish yesterday just wasn't like this. I just... yeah. Complicated stuff.
But anyway, for the next week, I will eat at the time that is not my regular mealtime. I want to break this rhythm.
New week, time to start with a new challenge which was the letter G.
G was gummies, and I picked some I bought in Japan. They were plum ones and covered in sour sugar and they were soooo good. I didn't even feel guilty, which was surprising. But maybe because I really liked them and I didn't get this feeling of wasting calories, which usually comes when something is less than perfect.
I would have done all the challenges on one day (meaning hot chocolate and extra fat ice cream as well), but we had some rum cake (which my sister's friend made) and we needed to have those first. About this, you can say I was put into an unexpected situation a bit, as I was not ready for it. And this was one of the goals for this week. Also the weekend in general was like this, because my sister's friend came over and we made tortillas. It is easy to 1) overeat 2) not know how much you are eating and both of these things happened. Also we snacked a lot. But well, at least I can say I fulfilled my goal. :D
With the letter H, it was hot chocolate. I picked a dark chocolate one (I have a bunch of different one serving pouches at home and I just took one at random). With dark chocolate it sort of feels like it is healthier (even though there actually is NO DIFFERENCE), but I really like dark chocolate. For example my favourite one is dark chocolate with cranberries and oats. This is 2020 special chocolate so I should maybe stock up... it is also completely vegan too.
This hot chocolate was... okay. Nothing special. I was surprised that it wasn't bothering me that it was liquid calories and all that. It was nice to have it, especially at the office, because it was a bit chilly.
With the letter I it was ice cream. Extra fat one with cookie pieces and strawberry jam. And I am glad to say it was amazing! Highly recommend. And it was a proper big ice cream cone, not a small, measly one I am used to. :D
What was a bit difficult, was the fact that my weight had gone up on the next day. I automatically think that see, you had this ice cream and it was bigger than a normal one and it means you gained weight from it. And this just makes this negative connection in my head, even though they are sooooo not connected. In reality it didn't affect me at all. It could well be that I have been making progress with eating recently, have had more food, moved around less and so on. But no, in my head it is the ice cream's fault. :D Just, what the heck.
Anyway, despite this I didn't change my usual routine and still had proper breakfast and I am going to have proper lunch and snacks as well.
I read this one girl's blog, who wrote about the situations when she was offered something. She also shed a new light on some og my thoughts. And I think this is really good.
Let's say that I am at home and my sister makes us food. And she makes pasta. My first reaction would be that this is too scary, I don't want it, why can't we have something else, something that is safe, and so on. At this point I should turn to myself and ask - do I want to be afraid of pasta in five years time? If someone offers me food or I go out to eat, do I want to accept it? Do I want to live in fear? No.
Also let's say that it is someone's birthday. My first reaction is to say no to dessert. Do I want to be the same in five years time? If I am 32, do I still want to just say "no, thank you" and give up what I was offered? Do I want to live rest of my life like this? NO. NO NO and NO. I want to accept the cake in five years. And to do this, I have to start today.
This brings me to the next point. Why people with eating disorders give up things so easily. The main reason is, of course, fear. Because the things you are offered are extra. These are usually cakes, candies, cookies, desserts in general. And the answer "no, thank you" is so automatic that I actually even don't think, if I would really like a thing. At the same time I understand that the same answer (no, thank you) all the time is becoming annoying, so people are not asking it at all at one point. I would be the same. But anyway, when someone offers me something and I say no to it, the reply is automatic and I haven't even analyzed it in my head.
But yeah, accepting things people offer is one of the most difficult things. Even if I manage to say yes and eat it, after it I get a lot of guilt and this "I shouldn't have" emotion and so on. Here I think I should use this "would I have regretted NOT having it?". Probably yes. Which means that accepting things is okay and I should do it more.
I will try to come up with three new goals and then I will write a little about last week's goals as well.
1. I accept something when I am offered. I will try to do it on the first try and not let the person offer it multiple times. I will try not to say no, thank you, even if it is scary. I know I will feel shit after it, but this won't last forever. Also, if I happen to go out to eat with someone and let's say that you want a dessert, please ask me if I would like some twice. :D I will try to change myself, but it is hard. But it has been written down as a goal now, so there are no excuses...
2. I have snacks out of my regular food plan. I don't mean that I have something at the different time (although this may happen as well), but I mean that I don't buy a snack several days earlier. For example I will go to the store and decided there and then what I WANT. Or I accept a cake that someone offers on their birthday. And so on. Things always seems safe when I have planned them in advance. But most of the people don't even think about it. Maybe it is still a bit too early for this in my recovery, but trying doesn't hurt.
3. I will eat out or eat something I have not prepared myself. This also means ready made foods from the stores (like stews, hearty salads, frozen meals etc). I have this weird thing that I have to prepare all food myself, because then I can control what goes into them, how much, and so on. I mean, it is good to have homecooked meals, but I want to make it possible that it doesn't HAVE to be made by me. It would suck if for example I went out to eat with friends and then only would have coffee or something. Or even worse - if I took my own food with me. I am not sure, but I don't think restaurants or cafes even allow it. :D So it would be a good thing to practice. My sister's friend is coming over on Saturday again and we are going to order sushi. This will be a good challenge, I mean, food prepared by others, a lot of cream cheese and calories (I have already gone through the menu and made myself scared).
About last week's challenges... things went somehow.
My first goal was not to compare mine and my sister's portions. I think I handled it well. Even when we had completely different things, I could tell myself that we are different people, we have different bodies and it is okay to have different things in different amounts. I won't lie - a lot of the time I felt shit about it. Almost everything caused a lot of guilt, but... I won't feel shit for forever. Usually by the evening I had already forgotten all the hard parts. I still compare a lot, but I am not acting on it and I think this is a first step. I won't say I have fulfilled this goal, but it has definitely become easier. I will still try to follow it next week. And then the week after that. And after that. And until I need to. Even if it is all my life.
My second challenge was not to have smaller snacks or lunches or pick the snacks that would have less calories. This was... really difficult. But I think I managed quite well to be honest. For ecample I had told my sister that I am not going to have those rum cakes made by her friend, because unknown calories and all that. But I have done it and I have enjoyed it sooooo much. These rum cakes are amazing. And now I have a good memory with those (my last memory was that we made them at the hospital and were forced to eat them). And at work I have had proper meals, I haven't skipped anything, thinking that no one is controlling me. I am glad. Yeah, there are some thoughts about restricting, but I am trying to handle them. (Look at me go, I feel so motivated right now. :D) I have also managed to think that I will now pick waffle, cookie, candy and done, but then picked cake, several cookies, a lot of chocolate instead. And even though a lot of guilt comes with it, I can think for a moment that YAY, well done, Signe!
My third challenge was to put myself into an unexpected situation. And I also did this. On the evening when me and my sister and her friend made tortillas. It brought a lot of fear. Also at one point in the evening I decided that I need to go to the store and bring us some more snacks. I picked some grapes, something to drink and then we also had those rum cakes. We also tried different Japanes snacks, for example wasabi KitKat and guess what, I am still alive! I don't know if my weight gain was caused by this weekend or not, but honestly, I don't even care. Being in this kind of unexpected situation was of course hard. Automatic reaction was going back to safety. This week I will have at least one more moment like this and I don't know, I feel hopeful, as this week went well. Also I had dinner with some friends the other day, and it went pretty well. We had a lot of sushi, some snacks and cake. Well... it was okay... the next day was absolutely worst, but I am going to repeat myself - I am still alive.
Last week I also set a fourth challenge, which was to try and think if I regretted something if I didn't do it. This I didn't really manage to do, because there just weren't any moments like this. So I guess this will be what I try to do next week again. I know that there are several moments presenting themselves this week. So we shall see.
I feel that these alphabet challenge posts are becoming longer and longer. :D Anyway, in my head I am already thinking to make the same challenge once more. Just picking new things with each letter. Just to confirm that this is fine. Because doing everything once is not enough. For my brain to learn new things, I need to constantly challenge and repeat myself. Only then the change will follow.
I decided to be super brave and took a day to have all three of the snacks.
With letter D, it was dark chocolate. I had one that I already had at home - blackcurrant yoghurt filled one and... it wasn't good. Which usually makes me upset and gives me a feeling that I have wasted calories. But at the same time this chocolate I have had for a while and maybe the taste wasn't as good because of it. I think I liked it more when I first tried it anyway. But all in all, I wanted to say that if I hadn't tried it, I wouldn't know if I liked it or not.
With E, it was eggs. I made omelette for me and my sister and I usually have 2 eggs per person. This time I had 3. I also didn't hold myself back with sundried tomatoes and cheese (even thought ma eating disorder wanted to. I constantly got these thoughts of "add less sundried tomatoes. Add less cheese" and so on).
Omelette for lunch was really good actually, and I also had some fresh stuff on the side. This is what I am going to miss when going back to the office - can't have fresh lunches. At the same time I wondered if it would be acceptable to make overnight oats as my lunches, because I am a fan of porridge... :D
With F, it was French toast. Toast that has been dipped into milk-egg-sugar-cinnamon mixture and then fried up. I wish I had fried them a bit longer, as they weren't too toasty, but I was so eager to have them. But it wasn't too good...
Anyway, having this was really really difficult for me and made me really upset. I at least think it was the reason I had 45 minute cry session after eating it (oh this glamourous sickness, right?). I served it with rasberries and it was okay, but... not what I hoped for. Again had this wasteful feeling that didn't go away all day.
Anyway, this post is a bit too negative. But these challenges are hard and I knew they were going to be when I set up this one. This was kind of the idea, right. :D
I am having even more negative emotions about the next week. Especially due to this extra fat ice cream and hot chocolate. I think I can handle gummies. At least my sister agreed to have ice cream with me, so this is good. I am alone with the hot chocolate, though.
Last week I also set myself three goals, which I wanted to fulfil this week. First one of them were comparing the portion sizes. I still haven't been able to let it go, because it is so... coded into my brain. But I think the second goal about serving food has actually gone well. Definitely better than before. I really tried to serve same portions sizes and didn't give in to the feeling of having a little less. If anything, I had a little MORE. And I am kind of proud.
My third goal was unfollowing triggering accounts in social media. This I didn't do. As I don't follow people who give me negative emotions or make me think about diet culture. I have followed some users, but have discovered them being triggering and then unfollowed them immediately. So yeah, I kind of followed through with this goal. I want to set some goals for the next week as well. Three would be perfect, but we shall see.
So during the next week I:
1. Don't compare mine and my sister's food portion sizes or in general what we are having. Same as last week. I can't compare. She is she and I am me.
2. I will fight the urge to not have snacks and pick lesser calorie food options. Even now I am getting these thoughts that "oh, when you go back to the office, you can only have some fresh salads for lunch". No. I can't do this. I know I am afriad of weight gain, but I NEED it. Jesus fucking hell Signe, please understand this. There is a little over a month to go until my psychiatrist appointment, but I need to start making some progress, if I don't want to go back to the clinic. I need to remind myself more often.
3. I will put myself into at least one unexpected situation. Let is be food out of the ordinary or something additional to my normal snacks and meals. I want to try at least, as this is really difficult for me right now. For example right now, the moment I am writing this post, I am having a nice hangout with my friends, but unexpected food that will be there is causing me a lot of stress. So I am already tackling this goal, kind of. I just hope I can manage, even though I am feeling quite shitty and am unable to focus.
I wanted to write avout regret.
During these moments my decisions have been affected my eating disorder and I did the best I could. But now, several months later, I am getting the emotions of regret. I regret I didn't try bubble tea when I was in Japan. That I didn't have coffee with syrum. That I didn't try as sweet coffee drink from the venging machine. That I didn't have the donut my friend got us. I regret these moments so much and I would give a lot to go back to these situations and change my behaviour. But at the same time during these moments I was fine and I did kind of follow them - I took sakura latte at Starbucks, I had sweets, I tried different drinks. So this regret is not huge, but I still think I could have done some things differently.
I regret that I didn't have birthday kringel at work. That I didn't take a piece of chocolate someone offered me. That I didn't decide to have cake at work, when everyone else did. That I didn't add enough milk to my coffee to make it tastier. I regret so many small and basic things that are just not worth it. Maybe I should set another goal for myself:
4. Think about if I regretted it later, if I didn't do something. And do it then. Usually I regret eating something later, not not eating. But if I set this kind of goal, if I wondered if I regretted not having something later...? I don't know. Everything I have just written down souns so weird and confusing, but I don't know how to express myself better currently.
Anyway, new week and bew beginnings. (I think I will start considering new week already from Saturday... adn then we shall see how I am doing. :))
With the letter A I had avocado. I thought about having it with toast, but instead it was sushi with avocado that I had. Me and my sister were celebrating my bithday and we had a takeaway. This combined several difficult things for me - food that I didn't cook myself, avocado, and it also had a lot of cream cheese, which is scary as well.
The second letter was B with a banana. And it was surprisingly difficult to eat. As I know it has quite a lot of calories. But at the same time having just a banana was also good. I really used to like green bananas, but at the moment I really like it when they are super ripe and brown. These are also the best in the porridge.
For C I had cereal with milk. I mixed Cini Minis and Cookie Crisps and had a proper bowl. With cereal, I could eat it for forever, I would never get full on them. So I usually have them as a snack not as a main meal. Because I need something more filling as a main. But at the same time, if you like cereal as a breakfast, go for it!
Something else I wanted to talk about, is comparisons. I compare everything to my sister, because we live together. How much we eat. Id we have snacks. If I have something, I have to make sure she also has something. Which is absurd, as she doesn't need to gain weight. She doesn't need to follow meal times on point. She can have food and snacks when she wants to. When her body wants to. I asked her, how she is able to do it so easily. How doesn't these things take up a lot of her brain power. How can she have a snack and not think about having "too much" later. And she didn't know how to answer. She just said that she doesn't get these kind of thoughts that are torturing me. Also I have been worried about my eating affecting her as well, but until now it hasn't luckily happened. I would never forgive myself if I fucked up her. I don't want this disorder for anyone.
Also I have noticed that when we have something together (for example some chips, which are a must have for our movie nights), I always make sure to follow her when she takes a chip. Like I can't have too many, I will have one exactly when she does. This control and comparison is constant. This drives me mad. Also comparing foods, portion sizes... even when I go out to eat and have something completely different than my companion. I still compare. Estimate calories.
Also I compare myself to other people with eating disorders, which sucks. I want to be like them. Gain weight like them. Get better like them. But then it appears what is healthy for me isn't necessarily for others. And the other way around. People are really different, you can't just compare everyone. For example running for someone may be good and healthy, but for me, it isn't so right now. If my friend goes running after work, it doesn't mean that I have to do the same. People don't dress the same for example. Why would I compare?
Also this comparison somewhy also stems from social media for sure. But people upload just a moment of their life. You don't know what is behind one thing or another. When I was at the hospital we talked about comparison for a bit and discussed unfollowing people who make you feel bad. And then you can follow them again, when you get to a better place.
Healthy is different for everyone.
For example some people don't have breakfast. It doesn't mean that I also shouldn't have it. It means nothing. For me it is necessary. We have different paths, we have different lives, we have different needs. And what really sucks is that I can write it down and think about it, but I still can't stop comparisons. This is almost like a reflex. One that I need to get over.
It is like... let's say you are going sledding. It is easy to pick a path that has already been followed. And when you change your thoughts, it means to take a new path. And it is difficult at first. Sled wants to go back to the previous path. But once you have done the other one for a few times, it gets easier. And it will, that I am sure of, as I have done this with some things. And finally it snows again and the old path is no more.
I don't know if any of it even makes sense, but anyway. I wanted to write down three goals for myself for the nect week:
I am not comparing my eating with my sister's, especially having snacks.
I am not comparing my portion sizes with others and I serve food up on equal amounts to me and my sister, even though my eating disorder always says to have a little less.
I unfollow accounts on instagram/social media, if they make me compare myself to them.
Next week I shall see how I have been doing and if it has helped me. I feel really motivated currently, but we shall see. :D Can't lose hope.
Today at this very moment I am writing this post is 13th of May and it is my birthday. I want to take it as a new beginning. Another restart. Last one similar was my Japan trip, but now I know I am not doing enough and I need to do it. I don't want to start my 27th year on earth in such a bad place.
For example me and my sister had this takeaway sushi and even though I knew having this and a drink was going to be "too much" I still had all my snacks. And this is a small victory.
On the weekend we are going home to my parents' place and I know this will be a challenge. I have been feeling really stressed, but what can I do. It just needs to be done. I want to take one day at the time - if I can't do this, then one moment at the time. One hour at the time. Use the attitude that once it's in it's in. No need to think about it. I want to enjoy my birthdays in the future. I want to live life. I want to eat to live, not live to eat!
I thought that I really want to combine a challenge with eating disorders post. I have done it previously too, but not for a while now. Then I got an idea that as I have a lot of fear foods still, I will take an alphabet and make a list of things I am scared. And then start challenging them one by one.
Anyway, foods that are y fearfoods and which I want to challenge:
A - avocado - I don't even know why I am afraid of this. Last summer I was able to have it without problems in pasta or I made toast with avocado. I guess it is because people keep saying that avocado has a lot of calories. But it also has healthy fats and I really like it! So I think this is a good thing to challenge.
B - banana - bananas are one of the most calorie tense fruits. I don't have a problem with eating banana in a porridge, but just having it on it's own is scary. This is why I have written it down here. Also as I have my porridge with a banana, challenging two in one day is quite big.
C - cereal - I have had cereal as a snack, but I still feel that it is quite difficult. And if I have an opportunity to pick between this and rice waffles, I always take the rice crackers. It is much safer choice. So I want to challenge cereal instead.
D - dark chocolate - I haven't had chocolate as a snack for a while and even dark one, that I used to have without any problems, has become a fear food again. So I want to pull myself together and have it. And to have like 6-7 pieces, not only one row, that my eating disorder tells me to. At the hospital we had to have 6 pieces of milk chocolate and 8 pieces if it was dark. So yeah, I need to do this,
E - eggs - why eggs? Because it is difficult to have three. I am perfectly fine with making an omelette out of 2, but three is scary. I think it needs to be changed. Also it is stuck in my head that the eggs have to be medium size, not large size. As it would be "too much".
F - French toast - so fried in milk and egg and cinnamon. I have been wanting to have this for a while, but I have been too scared. And I want to have it as a snack, not as a main meal. Because I need to have bigger snacks. This would also be a double challenge, as it has an egg in it too.
G - gummies - I haven't had normal candy in a really long time. I mean just taking a bag of chocolate candies or gummies. I got some plum flavoured gummies from Japan... and I think it is time to try them. I want to have the stuff I have at home and have been too scared to try.
H - hot chocolate - one of the most difficult things to have are still liquid calories. I have a lot of cococa at home which I have been too scared to have. Because, well, calories calories calories calories. Why doesn't this word become less scary if I repeat it? Why am I so scared?
I - ice cream - I can have an ice cream as long as it is "the right amount", meaning it is on a stick or in a waffer. But I still pay a lot of attention to calorie count and always make sure it is not too big. I want to try EXTRA CREAMY (extra fatty if I translate it literally) ice cream. It is bigger than normal ice creams and packs a lot of calories. They recently came out with a new flavour, strawberry and cookie pieces one. I already have it in my fridge now so this is coming.
J - juice - another liquid calories one. But it is something I have been wanting to have for ages. Fresh orange juice with bits! I think that having this would finally be so amazing. :D A good thing to have as a snack.
K - KitKat - I couldn't come up with anything else starting with K and then I remembered that I have one big KitKat bar left. It was with salted caramel or peanut butter, I don't remember. But anyway, it has more calories than a snack has to have so I have been too scared of eating it,
L - lasagna - in this one store there is frozen lasagna that I have been wanting to have. I have actually taking it out of the fridge and looked at it, thinking I really want it, but I am too scared. So I guess it is time. And sometimes it is okay to have fast, frozen meal.
M - muesli - I am doing quite okay with cereal, but having muesli is a lot more difficult. Muesli usually has a lot of seeds and nuts and stuff meaning it is more calorie tense. Even a small handful of muesli packs a lot of energy. I really want to get over this fear and have it as a snack. And then even granola!
N - noodles - here I mean this regular fast packed noodles. And I would like to add stuff in it. For example an egg, some veggies and maybe even a slice of cheese. I want to think of it as next level ramen, which I used to have a lot when I was younger. :D I mean when I just moved to Tallinn and lived a general uni student life. Also it is weird that egg noodles, rice noodles and all that kind of stuff is fine, but regular noodles are no-no. This is another big challenge.
O - Oreos - I have always told everyone that I don't really like Oreos. But when I am actually having them, I like them. For example at the hospital I had Milka chocolate with Oreos and it was really really good. Also Oreos have a looot of calories. Also I kind of actually like that I have to get a bigger sleeve of them, so it won't be only one time challenge. You have to repeat things like this.
P - pizza - is a huge fear of mine! At one point I was completely fine meeting up with a friend and go have it. Now this has become one of the biggest fear foods. Even if I am not going to have pizza on this challenge day, I at least want to have a frozen one. There are quite a lot of vegan ones in this one store, that I have seen and been meaning to try.
R - Reese's - my friend sent me those and I still haven't had them because I have been too scared. But at the same time I love peanut butter and chocolate, so you can't go wrong with it.
S - salmon - as you know, I do eat fish, but not meat. I still usually don't cook fish, but during this challenge I thought I should try it. Besides I haven't made salmon in the oven ever so it would be a nice thing to try I believe.
T - tofu - as I haven't made anything with tofu recently, it has become a fear food. I don't even know why. For example I could make tofu and chickpea curry which I really love, but instead of this I get the thoughts like "use only chickpeas, why would you add something? Even better - use only low calorie veggies!". I want to get over this.
U - udon - it was almost impossible to come up with something starting with U. Then I finally decided I need to make udon. Udon are those really thick Japanese noodles. I think I have to order it online, as no stores sell it.
V - vanilla pudding - there is this one company that just released three new puddings, which have, well... a lot of calories. So I thought it would be good to try vanilla one of those. But I still need to say that Japanese puddings are so much better than the ones I have had in Estonia. It doesn't even moderately remind me of Japanese pudding.
W - waffles - for sooooo long I have been wanting to have those thick Belgian waffles. They have these in some supermarkets. I could use a toaster and toast it, add some frozen berries and enjoy it. I really hope that I can manage this, as it has been in the list for forever.
Y - yoghurt - maybe this is surprising, maybe not. I am one of those people who used to say that all these low calorie protein yoghurts are as good as normal ones. Bullshit. The normal yoghurt with fat and everything is a way to go. So I am going to get it and enjoy it.
I couldn't find anything with Z and X. And I didn't add Estonian üõäö letters as well. But I wanted to say that if you have any ideas, please let me know in the comments or on twitter or on instagram and so on. It was quite diffiult to come up with all of these things.
As we are still in lockdown, I don't know when I start with the challenge. I also wanted to say that probablt I won't make them all in a row - I have a list on my phone and I am going to pick what is available. But I want to complete them all.
I also thought that I will post in threes, for example I would pick A, B and C and then write down how it was to have those things and maybe discuss some other topics as well. Also, if there is anything you would like to read about, let me know. It would be amazing.
EDIT: someone recommended me to take zucchini for Z, and my first thought was that this is not a fear food. But then she said that I could make zucchini pancakes (batter them in flour and egg mixture and fry up, such an Estonian thing). And then it would be a challenge. So I am adding this!
