I Won't Quote

 Or like, almost. :D 

This is a weird challenge and I don't know how to start writing about this. Because I really didn't plan on writing about it or sharing it, because it was just a random idea.

At the same time I thought that oh well, it doesn't matter, it is not that weird. I am not going to post naked pictures of myself or something, this I would never do (although lets be honest, who of us hasn't thought about making an OnlyFans account...).

Anyway, I saw this experiment on Youtube and even thought I didn't watch the video (I am adding this now, but I watched a little different video now, this one. :D). But anyway, the weather has just been sooooo hot and I thought I could try this. I think I started it like a month ago now, but I am not too sure. I think it is about that.

At first it was really weird and it didn't help with the heat - I was still too hot. Of course I also didn't give up my blanket, I just held it scrunched up in my sleep, because otherways I will not fall asleep. Anyway yes, I did get some sleep and I have done so for a month now. And I have a feeling that I am not going to stop any time soon, because it is actually very comfortable.

Actually I was also inspired by my relative, who always sleeps naked. :D And I have to admit, she is right - it is comfy. I don't wake up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat or something. Also sleeping naked seems to be much more popular than people think. A lot of the people have asked me how have I slept with clothes on until now. :D

I don't know, I guess first 2 weeks were kind of weird. Or like, I had to remind myself to take off my clothes. :D At the moment it is already colder outside and I have to keep a blanket on myself, especially if my windows are open. But anyway, everything feels so much softer. :D Especially if you have just taken a shower. I always wash up in the evenings, I can't imagine taking a shower in the morning. I guess it would wake me up more, but I would constantly think that oh no, I am going to be late for work or something. I always have to check the time and I need to have enough time to get ready, because if I don't, I get annoyed, hurry a bit too much, forget things or make mistakes.

To be honest there isn't much to write on this topic, I just did it, haha. :D At the same time I have also been back home at my parents' place and slept there. And then I have felt like I should still keep my clothes on. Even though I didn't do it in the end - it was 33 degrees and I have my own room there. But when I am visiting someone, I will definitely not sleep naked. xD At home I even wondered like what does my cat think about it, but luckily there isn't anyone else to stare at me.

When I get up and make myself coffee and food, I of course put clothes back on. I feel a bit chilly when I get up and it is kind of annoying, because...

I don't like my body. Especially lately, it is so annoying and I am always bothered, my weight has gone up and my body parts are just thicker. I have a bloated belly etc. Like yesterday I also came to work with pretty tight clothes, it sounded like a good idea at home. But when I was at the office and passed a mirror, I just wanted to start crying, because I just felt awful about myself. Today I made a better decision and wore a loose hoodie and jeans, it is also kind of cold outside and we don't have any meetings today. Also, I am almost the only person at the office as well.

In general past few days have been kind of bad. I just feel disgusting and I literally want to throw up at the thought of myself. Everything seems so awful and pointless and I want to ignore everyone, I just want to be alone and not do anything. Well, I would like to go to the gym and take walks, but I just can't find motivation to talk to people. It is my last day before vacation today and even this does not bring any positivity into my life, because I have plans already and... just let me BE. Like with the last vacation, everything is planned ahead, what to do with who and when etc. But I just want a free day for myself. :D Sorry for being like this, I just can't help it. Also with the plans comes eating and I don't want that. I would like to tell people that yes let's do something together but I don't want it to involve food. I want to eat alone and be by myself. I know social eating is okay and nice, but I just can't handle it at the moment. It seems too much, everything seems too much at the moment and I can't deal with the information that is coming from everywhere. I just wan't to switch off for a second. I KNOW that when the time comes I will enjoy these moments and it is not going to be as bad as it seems, but just... it is difficult. It is so fucking difficult. Instead of only affecting my guilt, eating has control over every emotion I have. I don't understand why it isn't becoming easier. I am always annoyed when I am eating with someone, I am thinking about what I have had the wgole day and I just can't stand it. Even in my last post, where I wrote about my perfect day, during the Queen's concert I just kept thinking about the meal and fact that I can't have anything and home now. I would just like to knock myself out for a while.

Also on Monday after work we went to spa with my sister and her friend. It was quite nice, if I didn't get a terrible stomach ache. It kept getting worse and worse, even though I took some meds. After 1,5 hours I just went home, because I felt super sick.

I managed to take a shower and get dressed and then I really thought that I can't do it. I wanted to say the workers there to call me an ambulance, because I thought I was going to die. Instead I still walked home, trying not to puke and I was crouching over all the way, it was the only way I could move a little. I am glad I live so close to this spa, because I wouldn't have made it home otherways.

I got into bed and for 45 minutes I was in true agony and I really didn't know what to do. Honestly, I don't think I have ever been in so much pain and I have no idea why it happened. Next day I fel better, but still not 100%, so I skipped gym and everything, went home and rested. Even though I felt guilty, because it was a free evening and I didn't do anything. :S

But spa itself was nice! A lot of saunas, warm water etc. I would have liked to be there for longer, because I didn't even try out everything, but yeah, I felt so awful I couldn't do it. I really liked Japanese onsen, because in Japan we also went there. And it is so weird that the water is so warm you actually get super hot sitting in it. :D Which is nice, is that they had free drinking water available all the time, this is the first spa that has it, or at least where I have seen it.

Anyway, this was weird pain and I hope I won't get it again. I am thinking that it would have been nice if my period started, but yeah. Not looking forward to cramps either. :D

I have my next psychologist appointment on 12th of August, because I have a vacation and then she is resting as well. Yesterday I felt that I REALLY need to talk to her, but I couldn't. Just yeah, not feeling my best at the moment.

I would like to go out for more runs, but I also like working on the equipment at the gym. And I just don't have time for both things. I am always walking around a lot, I love going to the stores and just look around and I get home quite late due to this. Then around 6 I usually go to the gym and I usually do 45 minutes on the machine and 15 minutes on the stair master. And then it is already past 7 when I go home, but then I want to instantly eat dinner. But I need to go home, shower, cook etc and then I don't really have time for running. :( I should proabably do one day running, one day gym or something? I don't know, I still haven't found my running motivation to be honest, everything is so difficult constantly.

But anyway, I will try to complete some urgent things at work and then enjoy my vacation, as much as I can. Today at 9 they also show the opening ceremony for Olympic Games again, I am thinking that I will make some tea and watch this. Maybe I will go for a little run as well. I went to the gym yesterday and my muscles are really sore, so I can't work on the machines I think, so maybe I will focus on running today. :)

For a long time, I have been wanting to start a post by saying I have some news! And finally I can do this. I got into the university. Master's of law. I really didn't expect this, because I thought I failed the test and the interview was also super short, it was difficult to imagine a good outcome. But ha, I go in! The results weren't supposed to come out for a few days, but I checked and they were there. It was such a nice surprise. :D So starting from the fall, I will be a student again and I can use student discounts and all this, so much fun. Also it is the time where I really need to buy a new computer, but this will be super difficult, I know nothing about technology. (I have a computer by now, this post is just very late, sorry guys~!)

On Tuesday I got my second dose of vaccine and after this I went to the Pikakari beach with a friend, we swam a little and then went to eat in a Mexican place called Ancho . It was nice and all, but I got too full. And I took enchiladas with beans, at first they brought me a version with meat. It was not very nice. And I only discovered it after I took a few bites already. Of course they apologized a lot and they gave me a drink for free, but still... it was quite awful. :D I don't think I ate meat, though, because I tried other things on the plate first and my friend asked what was inside the enchiladas and then we discovered it. Food in general was kind of average, nothing too special. We also got jalapenos with cheese, but they were probably from a can and had this marinated tasted. Anyway - I wouldn't go again, but it was still nice to try it. Also, if I hadn't tested it, I wouldn't know if I would like that. I didn't let these wasting calories thoughts to come.

At the beach we also had ice cream, it was so nice. We just sat on a towel and enjoyed some breeze and the sun, ate this and talked. Anyway, it was a really pleasant Tuesday. :D

On Wednesday morning when I woke up, I felt like I had been run over by a train. Probably by the vaccine. Or like I had a really bad hangover. Firstly, I was so tired that my alarm had been going for 20 minutes before I opened my eyes. I had a dream my coworker called me and I didn't want to answer, so I didn't understand this was actually my alarm. :D Even though my alarm and ringtone aren't even the same.

And my whole body hurt in general. I felt really weak. I actually wanted to go to them gym as well, but I just knew I had to give myself some rest and this is what I did, even though I did feel a bit guilty. Free evening and I am doing nothing? I haven't been to the gym in a while? All this regular self-talk. As my weight has yet again gone up by 2 kgs, it is especially difficult to deal with it. This also didn't help me when someone I knew started randomly telling me a story about their weight loss. I have also told them several times that this irritates me and I don't want to talk about these topics etc. I know this my my own error and I should be over it already, but it still makes me feel awful and I feel like you don't care abou me if you don't respect this? I have not commented on it much, but I just... don't want to deal with these kind of people. :)

But for the challenge, I wanted to eat packaged foods only. I know food that you have cooked is much better for you, but I thought I would try this, because it can't be that bad.

I set out the menu a while ago already, because I have been planning this for a long time already. But there has been so many events and stuff where I have eaten out. It would be weird to take a prepackaged salad out in a restaurant or at someone's place, instead of having what a friend has made or ordering something from a menu.

But anyway, I finally tackled this challenge.

Breakfast

I know, I know, it is nothing special. At first I wanted to take rice porridge, but I ended up with semolina one and I just was so pleased. I make semolina porridge very rarely, so this was a good change. :D

I served it with 150 grams of frozen blueberries and some Biscoff, because this combo is heavenly. I was a bit doubtful of the Biscoff at first, but it was super good together. :D It was sweet enough and just nice. I heated it up in the microwave, because no one eats cold porridghe (though I probably would, I just love porridge, to be honest). :D Anyway, it was beautiful and a little bit different start to the morning. Even when I was in bed, I thought that oh man, I am too lazy to make my oatmeal, but then I remembered today was the challenge day and it was fine.

I of course also had a coffee, but I didn't buy a premade one. :D Actually I wasn't even hungry in the morning, because I had some potato salad last night where I added literally half a kilo of potatoes, and then I also downed some watermelon. I felt like I was going to explode, but it was all so tasty I couldn't hold myself back. In the evenings I have a bottomless pit instead of a stomach, I don't understand. In the morning and during lunch I am fine with less food, but in the evenings I could just eat and eat. It really annoys me that I don't even know what a normal portion of food is, and also the fact that I am never full. I have thought about making more calorie tense less volume foods, but I just want to eat for a long period of time.

Anyway yes, I already have an idea for my lunch, I hope it is available in the store. Yesterday I saw it, but I didn't buy it in advance. If there aren't any left, I just need to figure out something else, so I am hoping for the best. :D

And also I wanted to get several desserts as the evening snacks and enjoy them throughout the day, but I think I will be having all of them in the evening. Because of me and my appetite. I still need to get a few things from the store, I hope they haven't run out of the items. I didn't want to go to the store yesterday as I felt really weird from the vaccine. But today after work and before gym I can go and get some stuff.

Lunch

For lunch I had this prepackaged tofu-glass noodle dish, which was pretty good. It could have done with more sauce and salt, but it was fine. Also it was completely vegan! In addition to this, it was maybe a little small, but worked out fine. This is really different from my regular routine, so it caused some stress, but oh well, I managed and I am still alive.

The price was quite high, almost three euros. So I wouldn't get it again, but it was worth to try. I think I should make something similar to take to work with me, I would save some money and also I have nothing against eating same food for lunches. Still at bit weird with dinners.

Today after work I would like to go to the gym as well, I let myself rest yesterday. But we shall see how this goes. I don't want to make it into an obligation, if I don't feel like it or if I don't have the time, that is fine. :D But I can't go tomorrow, because we are going to Maritime Days with my sister and her friend. I think it will be fun though, last time it was. I probably will only go on Friday, though it lasts throughout the weekend. :D

Dinner

For dinner, I don't know, why, but I felt like shrimps. And then I took some prepackaged bowl with them. Again, the price was really high and not worth it, but at least it did taste good. I added some salt and the dressing it came with, and it went down a treat. But I ate really fast, because I was super hungry by that time, so I can't really talk about enjoying it much. Also it had too much corn, which was super sweet. I generally like corn, but not that amount. But all in all it was pretty good. :D

In general, prepackaged food is not bad. I think in Estonian stores, you can make some really healthy picks, can't say anything bad about it. Of course there are unhealthy things, but mostly these are with meat, which I don't eat. I am still traumatized from going to this Mexican place, haha. :D But it happens, no worries.

Dessert

For dessert I actually had two things. I finally tried this farmer's vanilla pudding, which was fine. Not my favourite and I would probably not get it again, but it was quite nice still. I had it with strawberries, my friend mentioned that she had that kind of combo and it was good. Yes, it was indeed.

Then for the second thing I finally got my hands on this chocolate-coconut curd cream. It was quite nice, but could have been more chocolate-y and coconut-ey, but oh well. :D I think I prefer my style of curd cream dessert bowls with frozen fruit and berries and some granola or cereal. But I am glad I finally found this in the store and got to try it.

This day didn't leave me hungry at all, quite the opposite. I would gladly have all of these things again, but it is quite a waste of money, because you can make the same things so much cheaper. At least the salads and bowls and porridge. The dessert was most worth it, I would say.

It was good, because I didn't really have to make anything myself or think about what to make. It always takes me a long time to make up my mind in the store, I could walk around for an hour, I am not kidding. Also, I did go to the gym yesterday and it was good I didn't have to spend time on making food after that.

So now it is Friday and I am going to the Maritime Days with my sister and her friend. I didn't really find any info on who offers what food there, but I hope I will find something.

Lately I am so freaking sleepy all the time. It is normal for me to nod off when I am on the bus to work. Luckily I haven't missed my stop, yet. Anyway, I can't wait to go to sleep. Today I feel like my coffee needs coffee. :D

Which was surprising though, is that the small store near my work has quite a good selection of food, if you need something premade. I usually make a salad from the buffee or I pick a vegan wrap though, so it was nice to try something different for a change. My weight, well, is higher, but this is not the result of this one day of eating packaged foods. Also on Friday morning I had my normal porridge, for lunch I am going to have another wrap again and for dinner I will eat at the Maritime Days. It is nice maybe, that my weight is higher, so I can challenge not going back to my old routine and don't want to leave early to get home and have something I make. I can manage this.

My head is completely empty from challenges now, I have NO IDEA what I will write about on Monday. Also, today and next week to go and then I have a VACATION. It will only be two weeks, but hey, it is still something.

We plan to go to Taevaskoda and also to the Peipsi lake - with this, I also wanted to ask, are there any vegan/vegetarian places? I didn't really find any myself, but oh well. Worst case scenario is that I need to pop by a normal supermarket.

But now I have to start working in order for the weekend to arrive and then I can finally enjoy life!

Or okay, not really zero, because this is quite impossible. Then I would have had to stay in bed all day, not to mention I couldn't go to bathroom. But I walked... very little. How much? Well, I don't know, because I removed my watch, put it in the drawer and decided to spend the day doing nothing.

On Saturday I went to the beach with some friends and then later we all came to my place and on the next day I was just soooo tired. I got out of bed at like half past 12 and I was thinking about going to the gym. But then I wondered why. Why do I make myself go, if I really don't have to. Why do I keep making myself walk around for hours and hours? And I gave myself a permission to rest. I accepted the thought of doing nothing all day. Not go out at all. To rest.

And as soon as I gave this permission to myself, I felt so good. So free. So normal. I didn't check the time. Usually my weekend is like that: at least by 11 I am out of the house, taking a little walk. Then I go back home to have lunch and after lunch at one point I go to the gym. But I didn't want to force myself, I didn't want to think that I HAVE to move, have to do something, have to be active. And it was soo freeing.

Of course laying in bed I looked at other's Instagram stories and saw one for example that said "if you walk home from a party and night and have 17 000 steps by 7 am". It was, well, triggering. Instantly I got this competitive feeling and I felt like I should walk a bit as well, why am I so lazy, a vegetable doing nothing. :D And then my next thought was that why do I even compare myself to them. What does it give to me? Nothing but stress.

I had a lot of fun last night. I felt like a human, not like an eating disorder or depression or anxiety or suicidal. I felt just... normal. I was interested in people, talking, being, music etc. I didn't think about not doing anything. I had a very easy day activity vise yesterday, even though at first I did plan going to the gym. But I skipped it. Because it doesn't matter. If you don't go to the gym for a week. Two. Three. Just... don't go at all if you don't feel like it, it is fine. :D There are a lot of people who don't do any activity. There are so many more aspects to life.

At the moment I have already had breakfast, proper lunch, drank several cups of coffee with vanilla soya milk and honestly I still feel very normal. In the morning I had a loot of anxiety. Honestly I felt like I was going to die. I even did some breathing exercises my psychologist taught me and all that. I don't know if it helped. Maybe a little, I got out of my head, focused on this one thing and it releaved some panic. But it didn't go away completely and at the moment I feel a bit disgusting, but I am not giving up.

In the evening my sister is coming over, I will try to make some Chinese and I will make naan bread myself. I hope it comes out fine, I have hope. :D I need to go by the store and get some veggies for it. My first thought was that I should go to the one Maxima store that is further away so I could get some steps in. But then I was like no, Signe, we are having a rest day. And if I already walk a few thousand, I can't stop.

I am annoyed at the constant step measuring. From my home to shopping center: 7500-8000 steps. From work to home: 12 000 steps. From my place to my sister's place: 3000 steps. From work to the shopping center: 4000 steps. It is pointless. :D But somewhy I just remember these things.

I liked that when I told my best friend I am doing this challenge, she just said "FINALLY". :D Because yes, this is a problem. And this feeling that you CAN rest is so freeing. Yes, I did think that maybe I shouldn't eat that much today, because I am not moving a long etc. But like, food is good, you gotta eat and even just being uses up some energy. I wouldn't have had any strength to write this post if I didn't eat. :D I wouldn't have been happy to go downsairs when my friend brought me some honey (good Estonian honey, if anyone is interested). I would have been too tired to talk to her. But it was so fun. Just to see another person for a few minutes and chat a little. It really made me feel more positive.

Anyway yes, this is my Sunday. A proper rest day. I could get used to this. :D Yes, I like walking, running, hiking, working out, being active and all that, but it doesn't mean I want it to be my obsession. I want to do those things when I feel like it. For example yesterday I went for a walk and during the middle of it I wrote to my sister saying that I don't want to walk anymore. I just couldn't. It was a waste of time.

I should of course study for uni entrance exam, but... well,I have a REST day. Sundays are meant to be for resting. :D I am starting to understand this, I hope I can incorporate more days like this into my life.

But yeah, in general... when people share how much they walk and how many steps they have taken, it is really heavy and awful in my mind. I am trying to get rid of it so much, but it always still affects me negatively. This is why I almost never write down how much I walk etc, I just don't want people to compare themselves to me and feel bad or think that they need to beat me. This is a very bad road to walk on.

I will now go to the closest of stores and then continue laying in bed, because... RESTING.

–

And now I have been to the store, taken a shower and cleaned a little at home. I am feeling million times better. I sat outside in the sun a little and I just was, not thinking about the steps and not counting the steps in my mind, which is a thing I sometimes do. I just chilled and was present, was with myself. I have gotten rid of the anxiety, maybe a little is still left, but not much. Soon my sister is coming over and... I don't know, I feel human. :D I am not worried about not walking and these kind of moments are really important to me.

I thought that maybe I could record some of the book and I guess I will do it a little later. I will try to mark down later or tomorrow how I am doing in general. :D

–

So, okay, in the evening I also didn't give uo and I didn't go for a walk, even though I wanted to. Instead I started making food, when my sister came. I planned making tempura coated veggies with chilli-garlic-honey sauce and naan bread. My tempura coating was a bit of a failure, because I had some premade mix, and I made it too liquidy. But it tasted fine still.

I used carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, cut it all into small chuncks and put them into the tempura batter and then to the air fryer. Also added some salt. I made it in batches, to make them crispy, and then put everything in at once to make them hot. It came out really well. Then I had some sriracha-galric sauce which I added honey to, mixed everything up and it was done.

At the same time I also made some naan bread. I tried to find this recipe online, but I couldn't. Anyway, I used 150 g of flour, 150 g of yoghurt, teaspoon of baking powder, tablespoon of water, teaspoon of salt and a little sprinkling of sugar. I mixed it all up, kneaded it for a bit and rolled it out. It was SUPER sticky, but I managed!

Fried it a few minutes on the pan in oil from both sides and then topped it with herb-butter and garlix mix. It looks green due to the herbs in butter.

Anyway this dinner was AMAZING. Me and my sister watched three episodes on Brooklyn 99 and enjoyed the evening. Then I went to bed. It was a really nice rest day and this has been one of my favourite challenges, haha. :D

My best friend sent me a message while I was in Tartu, saying that she would like us to start sending regular letters again. You know, the ones with snail mail. It doesn't matter that 90% of the day we are talking on Facebook Messenger and that we live in the same town - it would still be very cool to get a letter. And then we can read it in 20 years or something. :D

And now on Friday at work I thought that I could make it into a challenge. Send letters for five days. I have some penpals, or like, just friends who I usually communicate like this, send postcards etc, but I haven't really done it recently. So this is a good opportunity to do this. So five days and five letters starts now!

Thursday

I wrote a letter to my best friend. It was really long, two A4 pages and very small letters. :D Actually I wrote it for several days, because I didn't have enough time at once, but I posted it on Thursday finally. I would really like to know when it arrives.

It was really weird to write like this, my hand cramped a lot, because I am not used to it. But in the end I thought that I could have even written more. And we used to send really long letters to each other, all about what we are doing and what has happened. My letter today wasn't on this level, because it was a first one I have written in a while and it was a bit strange to write. Also I have already told her everything. :D

But anyway, it was really nice to write and I hope she will answer. :D I have a momery box for all the letters, I always keep them. :)

Friday

Today I wrote a letter to my friend in Turkey, who also visited me a few years ago. We used to talk literally every day, but now it hasn't happened much. Still, through Twitter I am up to date with what she is doing, even though I am not using Twitter much thesedays. I am trying, but I never have anything to say. :D Every day I think I will start tweeting again, but it never happens.

The most difficult thing is having a cramp in your hand, I am just not used to writing. But it is nice. At the same time I also feel that I am not very good at writing letters, I haven't done it in a while and I don't know what you are supposed to write about. :D Besides, to the people I am writing to, I often just talk to so they know what is happening with me. :D

Saturday

Today I wrote a letter to my German friend, who has visited me many times and who I have also visited. It was really nice to talk about nothing, in the end it was just super random. :D

I did think that I don't have it in me to write, because it was a day off and I had other things to attend to, but I still took some time for writing and did it. I really love getting letters myself, so I hope people who will receive my letters think the same. I think it has something so nice and personal in reading words others have written on an actual paper.

My Grandma had a pen pal from Hungary for a long time, they wrote for years and also called sometimes. I also used to be a member of Interpals and wrote with several people, it was such a nice time. And then at one point I did postcrossing, which was also really cool. You can pick how many postcards you want to send and then the same amount of people will be given your address. It is really cool that these pages are still popular right now. I think that maybe I should join one again and start sending more mail. I just got really excited over letters suddenly. :D

With one girl from Korea I met via Interpals and we sent letters for a long time. I think we both wrote like 10+ letters, but then it suddenly stopped. She didn't answer to me anymore or something. I hope she is doing well, even though I don't even remember her name anymore. :D But I have her letters somewhere at my parents' place, I can look for them and remember.

At the same time I can't deny that sending so many letters is going to be quite expensive. Within Estonia, a letter costs 1.10 €, but it is much more expensive to send a letter abroad. And even more if you want to send an actual parcel or something like that. Though sending gifts is even more exciting!

Sunday

Today I am writing to a friend from Italy. We sometimes send each other postcards and tea and snacks, so this time I also considered sending a whole parcel. She is really nice and sweet and we dream about me visiting her and her showming me pretty places. It would be amazing.

In general I have a feeling that I have so many friends in a lot of different places, I could do a trip and just spend some time with each of them, haha. :D I should look for people in the countries I don't have any connection with yet, it would be so cool!

At the same time I am thinking that I have so many more people who I would like to write to! For example one girl from USA, then some people from Finland, also I could write to my other best friend in Japan... my poor hand that has to work for this. xD

Writing so many letters like this at once is also a bit difficult, I tend to say the same things over and over again and I don't see a point. But at the same time they are all different people, which means this is all new information for them, even if I tell someone else the same stuff. :D

I won't be telling anyone that I have sent them a letter, I will wait and see if they mention it and if they arrive at all. :D Okay, I did tell my best friend though, because I am afraid she won't check her post box otherways, I check mine every day. Especially because I am waiting for some Aliexpress orders, haha. :D

But yeah, getting a letter as a surprise is so cool in my opinion. For example this Italiak girl randomly sent me a birthday gift and it was so sweet! At first I thought it was something I ordered, but then I saw the name on the parcel and I was like, omg, someone is thinking of me and writing to me?

Also this is super random but would you like to receive a letter? :D I could write something to you. I also thought about startin Patreon and see if someone would like to support me there and then as an exchange I could send you postcards and talk to you in person or something. But then I was like... who do I think I am and scrapped the idea. :D

I really like this challenge. This is one of the coolest things I have done I think. I would like to keep up with it, but maybe not in that big of a scale, haha. :D But if anyone would answer to me, I will definitely send them a letter back!

It is so cool that with people I got to know a looong time ago I still have this connection. It is somehow really adorable!

Another question - do you have penpals or would you like to have one? I remember that there used to be an Estonian children magazine where you could post an ad to look for a penpal. No one wrote to me though, even though I did send some letters. Okay, I think I found some e-mail penpals, I remember that. I had a separate e-mail for it, so I could use another name and hide my identity. At the moment I am completely different, I am like... "you wan't my address? here you go". :D But well, now I am an adult and I don't think anyone from USA will become a stalker and visit me. 

But if you are underage, you should really talk about this with your parents first and say that you would like to have a penpal and if it is okay for you to give your address to a stranger.

Monday

Today's letter is still pending, but this goes out to my Grandma. Actually I am sending her a postcard, becuase I will see her soon and she really likes to get cards, so I thought why not. I always send a postcard to her from my trips, but I haven't been away this year, so I thought I would send a travel themed card instead. :D

She always sets up the cards on her living room table and shows them off when someone is visiting. This is so cute! And I think that she would like to get a random card/letter from me. I thought about sending a card with flowers, as she really likes them, she even took a trip to flower festival in the Netherlands.

My Grandma is so dear to me and I want to make her happy somehow. So yes, I think this is a good idea. Anyway, I feel like after today I still will be sending some more letters, because I want to write to EVERYONE and I am really excited at the idea.

But talking about something else: Midsummer day is coming. And I know I will overeat a lot then and I am stressed about it. But what has to come will come anyway. I don't have my psychologist appointment for a while now as well, because she has a vacation and then I have my holidays. I have to manage stuff by myelf. Even though I am feeling a bit better at the moment and I hope it will last for some time. But I think my vacation is coming at the right time. I feel like I can't really work at all anymore.

Today I also need to write down main things about my master's thesis. I have really left it at the last moment, so I am doubtful if I get in. I am still going to try. I have an idea and main things, I just need to write it all down. Good luck to me with it.

Also I am going to my sister's after work to bake something, she has some people coming over tomorrow and she asked if I could prepare something. Of course, I like to bake and cook etc. But yeah, due to this I can't go out for a walk and this bothers me. Also tomorrow my mum is coming to Tallinn who we were supposed to go to some stores and then on Wednesday morning we are diving to Viljandi together. Again, no walking. And then this Midsummer day and all that. But maybe I need this. I wish it didn't cause me so much stress...

It is really hot. I am usually always cold, but what is going on at the moment, is too much even for me. My computer shows weather forecast and it always has a little sign saying "red alert", which is pretty accurate.

Yesterday I went to a beach with a friend around 5-6 pm and I got REALLY sunburnt, so weird. We were just sitting there for an hour, I didn't think this was possible. My hands are really ichy grom the sun, it feels pretty bad. And then in the evening in bed I was just like nope and took a really cold shower quick. At least I could fall asleep after that. But yeah, it is really difficult to handle. :D

Anyway, enjoy the nice weather, don't forget sunscreen and take a pen and paper to the beach. Write a letter to someone!

Actually I didn't even plan on doing this challenge, but then I thought that yesterday (on Sunday) I drank so much water that it was definitely at least 2 l. And then on Monday at work I also started strong, so it seemed that the five day challenge (at least) was go.

Sunday

I was in Tartu visiting my relative and it was so hot all the time and we drank a lot of... water. And also she didn't have any sodas at home that I would have liked to have. And honestly after a long period of time I felt thirsty. And for water.

When I got up in the morning I had several glasses of water, I also took a drinking bottle to the bus with me and at home I also sipped on carbonated water. And like... at one point I craved for a soda, but it... passed? Like, last time I had some Coke, it was on Thursday (I also did have a small Pepsi Max on Saturday), it kind of made me feel awful. It suddenly tasted disgusting.

When I went to a store and saw Monster energy drinks was on sale, I had already put one in the basket for myself, but at the last moment I took it back. For a period of time, about two weeks, I had an energy drink every day and I got really bad stomach cramps. Then from Thursday onwards I haven't bought them anymore. I still have had like 1,5 liters of coke on Thursday, but then I had a little break. On Friday I had some Fanta and then on Saturday this small Pepsi, but that was it.

And I felt a lot better yesterday. I didn't have this heavy feeling in my stomach. Also I had a ton of vegetables with dip and like 2 kilos of watermelon so I was full of water anyway, yet I knew that if I had some soda, I would still drink it and then feel extra awful later.

Monday

I just went to the store to get some lunch and I automatically stopped at the soft drinks. I wanted Fanta or Sprite really badly. But it didn't seem so good suddenly. Or well, it did, but I didn't feel like I absolutely needed it.

In the morning I had a glass of water with some syrup, I always do it when I take my meds, but at work I have already had 750 ml bottle of carbonated water. It is good to do that, we have a carbonated water dispenser at the office. And I have a really nice glass waterbottle at work. I got a new one from my relative and took this one to the office with me. 

I haven't really felt thirsdy today, but I have been sipping on water. And it is good. I don't know, I think I am finally over soda. And this sugar free thing. I am not saying that I will never drink sodas again, of course I will, but I will try not to have 1,5 l obttle every single day.

And even though carbonated soft drinks are sweet and kind of more filling, they actually make me more hungry. It is probably due to the fact they have a lot of sweeteners in and your organism thinks that it will get some calories. And when it doesn't, it gets confused, because it has already prepared. I think I read it from somewhere, but I am too lazy to look it up right now. You can just Google it.

Anyway yes, even though it is only my second soda free water drinking day, I am quite excited. :D I really needed this new beginning and Tartu was really good to me.

Today I have already had three coffees and I think I will make a cup of tea soon, but I don't count them into my water intake. I will set 2 l as a goal for pure water. It may be carbonated though. :D Becase like, water is water, but in black tea (that I usually have) there is coffeine and it takes water out of your body, so yeah, this is where the logic comes from. :D

I hope I will be able to have two liters today, but considering it is only one pm and I am already halfway, it doesn't seem that difficult. And if I want to have more water, I will have more water. And if I don't manage to have 2 l, I won't. I will just follow how I feel.

Last half a cup was a bit difficult to be honest, but I still managed. Later I also had another cup of tea - we had apartment complex meeting and it took a long time and I got cold sitting outside, so this was perfect to finish the day.

Tuesday

I wanted to start the morning with a glass of water, but I just don't feel thirsty when I wake up. So before I got to the water, I had already had three cups of coffee. :D But at least I am here now. At the moment it is 9:30 and I just started with my first 750 ml bottle of water. But I think I will easily manage two today, it is getting easier by the day.

Yesterday I actually really wanted to have soda. At home when I was sitting and watching TV, I thought I would kill for Fanta or something. Also I am convinced that the Coke I have been drinking also gave me energy, because I have just been really sleepy recently. I would really like an energy drink or something. But no. Maybe after this challenge I will let myself have a soda or energy drink once per week, but I don't really want this addiction to continue.

When I am drinking water, I constantly feel really bloated and full and have to go to the bathroom a lot, it is pretty annoying. xD But well, I am getting used to it, I am sure, and it will be fine. I know a lot of people who have done this kind of challenge and they have kept drinking just as much water for a year or more and they say that they will never go back to not drinking water. :D Maybe I will be the same, we shall see.

Today drinking water isn't going that well, it is already 12:30 and I have only had half of the first bottle. :D

And it was really difficult in the end. For dinner I made a huge bowl of pasta with carrots and eggplant and I had hald of liter of yoghurt with berries and cereal and I really couldn't get the water down. :D But I did have it in the end, even though I had to use the bathroom many times at night.

Wednesday

I don't really crave for a soda, but at the same time I DO want some. I miss sweet taste. Every time I sip some water, I feel like something is missing. Also I need to start drinking regular water instead of carbonated soon, because I went to see the dentist today and I will get the invisalign things tomorrow (kind of like see through moulds that I need to wear) and during this I can only have regular water. :(

And I have to wear them 24/7, except for eating and brushing my teeth for the first three months! So it will be difficult, at least it has been a good preparation. :D It really sucks that I have a lot of coffee and tea usually and I need to take them out each time I make a cup.

Honestly, I don't really want to complain, because I am really happy with my teeth journey. The result is so worth it. And I want to keep my teeth straight. Also it was so weird at the dentist, for the moulds, they scanned my teeth with 3D pencil. It used to be that they manually take moulds, but now they just used a pen that they moved around in my mouth. It was kind of like in a futuristic mobie or something. :D But it was much more comfortable than taking the moulds. Then they also took some photos of me and had me smile etc, I felt like a true model!

It is almost 11 right now and I have had 3 sips of water. But also one glass of juice and I am on my third cup of coffee. So at least I have had some liquids.

My weight had gone up a lot today morning, and I really upset me. Even though I know I overate last night etc. Oh well. I guess I need to get used to it.

But honestly thinking back to my Tartu trip I feel really positive. Or like, yeah, yesterday was a difficult day for example, but it was nice to remember Tartu and I made myself go back there in my mind, thinking that see, normailty is possible. It did help a little. Tomorrow I also have my psychologist appointment and I feel like this will be the first meeting I won't be bawling my eyes out, haha. :D

Also it is my sixth day of not working out. Yesterday I felt SUPER guilty because of it, but I didn't go to the gym, I just didn't have the time. In the evening I did think that damn, I should have, but nah. It is not mandatory and I have this compensation from work for my gym membership so it doesn't matter if I don't go to the gym for a week or something. Actually I would like to go today, but I know I won't have the time for it. But tomorrow I think I finally will be able to go. :D It is kind of good that I literally can't go. Because at one point it did start to become obsessive once more. Exactly like yesterday for the whole day I tried to talk myself out of making pasta - it seemed so scary, because I hadn't had it for a long time. And the portion was huge, I could have just made carrot-eggplant stew with cheese, but then I thought that NO,I WANT pasta. Weird how this is so low on my fear foods table, it used to be one of the scaries things. :D At the moment the first place is shared by rice and quinoa and such things, then it is vegan meat alternatives, then breads, then pasta and noodles and on fifth place there are potatoes. But honestly, I think I am really scared of only rice and quinoa and vegan meat. :D I don't even know why (or okay, I do, I just checked some vegan meat nutritional information).

Anyway yes. I wanted to talk about drinking water, but it is just so me - I start to write about everything else, hehe. :D

Again the last half a liter was difficult. But at the same time I also had a lot of food again in the evening and I was really bloated. I surprisingly still felt thirsty so I finished the day with a glass of water. It was really weird without soda, I am always used to having a bottle after dinner and snacks. :D It is weird to sit without it, hahaha. :D

Thursday

It is last day of this challenge and let's see how it goes then. At the moment it is 10:30 am and I have taken two sips of water. I also need to leave work earlier today in order to see my psychologist, so I need to try and drink more. :D I know I won't do so well at home.

But also I would really like to go to the gym today after 7 days and I would be having water there for sure.

Recently I have this stupid habit of only drinking coffee with chocolate milk. I will try to go for normal milk again now. But it is difficult. :D Like last night at around 8 pm I made some decaf coffee with chocolate milk and caramel syrup for myself, hahaha. :D

Also my weight had really gone up today morning. I am going for the middle of my normal weight range and it is scary. On Friday after work I will meet my friend and we said we would go and have some awesome flavoured coffees and my first thought was okay, I will go and see my doctor in the middle of the day so I "don't have time to have lunch". But no, I can't do that. Especially if I want to go to the gym today as well. I think this is how normal behaviour should be.

I am kind of afraid of Midsummer day next week... but oh well, what can I do. I will try and be more reasonable for the rest of the summer then. Overeating once or twice in a week seems to be my norm. I just wish my weight stopped going up already, but if I want this, I need to start restricting, but I don't want to do this and it is all so complicated. I just...

Today I also made a mistake of reading about people with EDs online and there were a lot of pictures and it made me so emotional. I mean, I look well now, but I kind of want to go back to where I was with my body. I feel like if I was really underweight, my eating would be more justified etc. :S

Okay, today drinking water has not gone very well and I need to leave work in a bit. I will try to drink some though, because I refuse to give up. Ah, what I have also discovered after I started having a lot of water - I feel constipated. :D :D :D I don't know, why, but I feel disgusting. In reality it should be the other way around...

Friday

I managed to have enough water yesterday, because I had a lot at the gym. :D And in the evening I also downed a glass before going to bed, because I just felt thirsty. Even though I had just finished off a lot of watermelon, but well, it is me with my black hole of a stomach.

Today I am already thinking that oh, I completed the challenge, I should have a soda. :D Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I feel like I could have something to celebrate Friday.

I didn't see much of a change in my five days of doing this challenge. My skin didn't get better, my stomach is still bloated a lot and my apetite seemed even higher than it was when I had sodas.

I cried a lot at my psychologist's. :D I don't know, how this is possible. She just asks the "right" things, like when she sees that something is bothering me and is stuck in my head and I try to lie/not say something/come up with something, she doesn't stop before she gets the bottom of it. And usually it comes with crying.

Yesterday she told me that in people, there are different characters - for example a critic, angry child, vulnerable child, happy child etc. And then my vulerable child came out of me and I just cried and cried. But it felt so good later.

After this I went to see my dentist and I got the moulds. Oh my god they are so uncomfy and I thought I will never be able to sleep with them, but I managed. At the moment I got to work a bit earlier and I just made coffee, I am looking at the moulds now and I think that they are like 1. fake teeth or 2. lenses for your teeth. Anyway they are really annoying. I just rediscovered gum and now later when I meet my friend I need to take the moulds out if I want to have coffee and then later put them back and argh. But well, doing this for my teeth!

My weight isn't going down at all. I don't really want it to go. But every morning when I step on the scale I still hope that it does. Yeah, still can't let it go.

But I have walked a lot less, this is new progress.

Also, a funny story. I went to the gym yesterday, right, and did something with dumbbells (because like, there were too many people and I felt too awkward to use the machines) and then two guys were talking about training different mucles. And then one of them said that they should run up the mountain (mäkkejooksu tegema) and I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't not say anything. So I said that when he said run up a mountain (mäkkejooksu), I thought you said run into McDonalds (mäkki jooksu). Then we all laughed and thought that it would be a great motivator and maybe we should aim for a McDonalds that is far away. They seemed like my kind of people, but it was pretty #awkward, now that I think about it.