I Won't Quote

First challenge appeared already before Midsummer Day. I had just had lunch when my sister said that there are many kringel pastries, salad and other kinds of food left from her small gathering with coworkers and that me and mum can come there and eat. My mum came to Tallinn to take us back home by car, because Midsummer has always been the time you spend with your family. We are going to my Grandma's, have a BBQ, just chill and talk.

Anyway, I was full, but I KNEW I WANTED those things I prepared for my sister. I made cheese pastry and nutella pastry and some filled eggs. I knew I couldn't stop myself when these things were in front of me, it didn't matter how hard I tried. And is it wrong to have food because I want to?!

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These were just super good.

Everything always goes back to weight and the fact that as of right now I don't need to gain any. These eating moments, overeating etc is much easier to justify when I was underweight. Then it didn't matter if I gained a few kilos or not, because I needed that. But today it isn't like so anymore. Also I know that tomorrow, on Midsummer's Eve, I will eat soooo much. I know that I can't stop myself yet again.

I have been thinking about restricting in advance, skipping a few meals or not having dinner, but I haven't done that. I really wish I did, because then my eating would be okay. But I have been doing good, trying to be normal.

Today I also haven't been able to walk around, walking is still an obsession for me. But knowing I CAN'T walk today is also kind of freeing, because finally I don't have to count the steps. But it would at least calm my nerves... at the moment I am just really anxious.

Actually I have also been working from home today, but if I didn't have to do it, I would have taken a long walk already. Even though lately I just can't be bothered. I have done other things with my time and I have learned I also like doing other stuff. Reading books, writing letters, watching series and movies, listening to music, journaling and scrapbooking, being with friends and relatives and so on. I can't even really believe I used to spend 4-5 hours a day just walking around.

At the moment yes, I am still doing it, but not voluntarily. It is an obsession and need. It also doesn't help that people post on Instagram about how much they have walked... I feel like it automatically becomes and competition and I can't be "worse" than them. Argh, it is just so frustrating!

At least I have better relationship with the gym, I don't have to go there every damn day. I just go a few times per week. And I don't use the equipment that shows how many calories you have burned. I do weigh training with different machines, I try out dumbbell exercises and yesterday I also did some abs. And I have gotten over this "must burn calories" thinking, I do stuff that I like and what make me feel good. I have also been thinking about getting back into running, but the weather is just TOO hot at the moment. Honestly, this is too much even for me. :D I have also been thinking about taking my sleeping bag to 24/7 opened store and go sleep there. xD I wonder how the workers would react to this...

Anyway yes, at my sister's, I still tried everything I had made and then we drove to Viljandi. Me and my mum also picked up some Vegan Gourmet vegan shaslik and it literally took us an hour to drive from my place to the pick up location, there was so much traffic. But it was worth it. :D

I felt really super upset when we went to Viljandi and mostly I felt again that I don't want to exist, I just would like to fall asleep and not wake up. I couldn't calm down somehow and whatever I did, my mood didn't improve. In the end I took my meds and headed to bed, because I just didn't know what else to do.

The next day was hundred times better. In the morning we all had some breakfast, then we just chilled outside before it got too hot. We had some watermelon, strawberries, blueberries etc, we just snacked the whole day. Then I also went for a little walk, went to the place my other Grandma lived when she was alive and it was so nostalgic. I took a huge detour home and picked some field flowers for my Grandma, who'se place we went for a BBQ. :D

I got some rain, but it stopped quite soon and it was hot yet again, so I dried off fast. I vurned my shoulders and back a little, because I wore the upper part of my bikini and it was 12 pm. Today my shoulders really hurt, I came to work with backpack and I really didn't want to wear it. :D

Then around 5 we went to my Grandma's place and my dad started the BBQ. We had some meat shaslik, then fish one and this soya one I ordered. I also wanted to try the fish one really bad.

And…

It was amazing. :D I also have another vegan meat from a company, but there was only 6 of us so there was no point in barbequing it all. We left it for another time when I came to Viljandi. Anyway, the fish one was good as well and was eaten first.

Anyway, I tried this vegan shashlik and it was so real! It tasted like meat, the texture was like meat etc. It was perfectly marinated and it wasn't dry at all. Others also tried it and they liked it, but I pretty much had the whole 1 kg bag by myself. xD Me and dad kind of competed though, because he also really enjoyed it. Anyway yes, I will definitely order some more, because... I am really buzzing for it. :D

We sat outside for a long time and in the end I even got to wear a hoodie, soooooo nice. Because the weather has been really hot here. We also had cheese, grapes, watermelon, pastries, ice cream etc. But...

II ate a lot. But not so much that I would have felt overly bloated. Maybe it helped that I had vegan meat, it is kind of lighter? Anyway, I didn't really feel disgusting and I didn't even have guilt feelings the next morning. I had my normal breakfast. Okay, I had a few too many drinks, so I felt a bit hungover, but nothing too bad. :D

But when I woke up I was really anxious. Exactly like I was in Tartu. My heart was pounding, head was spinning, hands were shaking and I just felt suuuuper panicky. I didn't know what to do. I went to my dad and asked him to sit with me, but it ended up to be a lecture. It wasn't very nice. At least soon my mum woke up and I cried a little, then I was better. xD I don't know, these panic attacks are really bad. I feel weird the whole day.

To my surprise, I didn't take the earliest bus or train back to Tallinn, I stayed in Viljandi a bit longer. We were just chilling, I didn't even go for a walk, even though I really felt like I should have gone. It is bothering me a lot.

When I got back to Tallinn, I went to the nearest store! I thought that well, I have time, maybe I should walk a little more, but I was just so tired and then I only got in about 2000 steps. And I really didn't care. What a weird feeling...

And today morning my weight was up by two kilos from before going to Viljandi. But... I didn't care. Like, I wasn't bothered AT ALL. It is I think the first time where I just don't care, usually I still get some pangs of emotion related to it. But not this morning. And I really didn't worry about food and eating in Viljandi. I felt that things can be, well, normal.

Life with braces sucks. A lot. I had my dentis appointment last week and they put something behind my first two teeth and now I also need to wear some elastic things - they will help my teeth to touch correctly on the sides. And this is soooo awful. Also I need to physically hold my jaw differently to bite properly. My jaw is under pressure and eating is entirely impossible - my teeth on the sides just don't touch. Also I have broken several elastics within the first day already. I hope I will get used to it, because I need to wear them at least until 11th of August. So all summer it will be really difficult. At first my dentist said that this step will come at the end of summer, but they did it now.

Also this cost a lot, 110 euros. :( Anyway, yeah, it is very uncomfortable. And difficult as well, especially because eating is a struggle anyway. For example after my appointment, for dinner I had sweet potato that was really soft. And I kid you now, I ate it for a full hour! Depressing. I just need to have something softer/more liquid, but who wants to do that anyway? Soft foods and smoothies and stuff is not filling for me. To be satisfied, I need to chew something. So yeah, I don't know. Maybe I will take the elastics out for mealtimes and try it like this. Maybe it is better like that. My dentist said that everyone needs to go through this but it is not helping. It is soooo so super uncomfy. And I thought it was difficult until now! At least after this period, it should get easier. I cannot wait. At the moment I think I have had braces for about 4 months...? Maybe a bit more. So quite a bit from 1,5 years she predicted (and I really hope I don't have to wear them for longer).

What I also wanted to talk about is midsummer day. In Estonia we usually celebrate it with family or friends and have a BBQ, but I spent this year alone. I felt a bit guilty for not going to my parents' place with my sister, but all in all... I really needed this time alone. I made a proper meal and also had a lot of sweet stuff. :D I was good. Even though it was difficult.

Also this was my first completely vegan midsummer day. I used Bon Soya BBQ sausages, which are in my opinion really similar to just normal sausages. And for stuffing the mushrooms, I used vegan Violife cheese slices. It tasted amazing. Also I had some peanut butter ice cream and strawberries and finished of the night with around a kilo of watermelon. :D So I had a lot of food and more.

I am thinking that maybe there is a small part of me that was afriad of going to Viljandi due to the amount of food I would have had. In Tallinn I also had a bit too much food, but I think it was less than I would have had at home. I feel a bit weird - I can't trust myself. I want to say that yes, I wanted to be alone (and I did!), but maybe there was a small part of me that thought that. Anyway, it is what it is, I can't change it now.

My sister is still at my parents' place so I have been spending more time alone. I have done well. We also have a deal with her - I am sending pictures of all of my meals and snacks. This makes me responsible and helps to avoid relapse.

For some days now my weight has been steadily going up, so whatever I am doing is working. I also saw my psychologist last week and I could tell her a lot of stuff. I still can't say it was therapy, more like a consultation with a psychologist, but I have a feeling it was helpful. I used up an entire hour and told her about everything. About braces, work, eating and so on. Today I am also going to see my psychiatrist, even though I have no idea what I am supposed to tell him. I feel like it is unnecessary, but at the same time I find I should see him every month. To see how I am doing. But I still saw the psychologist just a few days ago and I don't know if they are exchanging what I talked about or... should I just tell him the same things?

I told my psychologist a lot of the stuff I have written down here on my blog. She especially liked my rant about commitment versus motivation. I also told her about my small challenges. And we also talked a lot about my Tartu experience and how it was there. I also told her that if I ever am going to relapse, I will voluntarily go to the hospital.

As my alphabet challenge is coming to an end, I need to come up with something new. Oh, me and my friend are going to do five tibetan yoga challenge. We are starting on the first of July. I am not really sure what it is about, but there is more information regarding it here. And we are planning to stick with it for 100 days. And if we miss a day, we need to start again from the beginning. Let's see, which one of us finishes first. :D

Anyway, if anyone has any recommendations of things to try (it can be challenges or anything else really), just let me know. My door is always open. Write it in the comments, tell me on instagram or twitter, whatever you find comfortable. For example someone recommended me a milk under last post and I am going to try it! This kind of small things are really important to me.

Regarding milk - tomorrow there is an event to try Estonian made plant milks which I am going to attend, as my friend asked me to go. Seems like something really cool!