I Won't Quote

 Or like, almost. :D 

This is a weird challenge and I don't know how to start writing about this. Because I really didn't plan on writing about it or sharing it, because it was just a random idea.

At the same time I thought that oh well, it doesn't matter, it is not that weird. I am not going to post naked pictures of myself or something, this I would never do (although lets be honest, who of us hasn't thought about making an OnlyFans account...).

Anyway, I saw this experiment on Youtube and even thought I didn't watch the video (I am adding this now, but I watched a little different video now, this one. :D). But anyway, the weather has just been sooooo hot and I thought I could try this. I think I started it like a month ago now, but I am not too sure. I think it is about that.

At first it was really weird and it didn't help with the heat - I was still too hot. Of course I also didn't give up my blanket, I just held it scrunched up in my sleep, because otherways I will not fall asleep. Anyway yes, I did get some sleep and I have done so for a month now. And I have a feeling that I am not going to stop any time soon, because it is actually very comfortable.

Actually I was also inspired by my relative, who always sleeps naked. :D And I have to admit, she is right - it is comfy. I don't wake up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat or something. Also sleeping naked seems to be much more popular than people think. A lot of the people have asked me how have I slept with clothes on until now. :D

I don't know, I guess first 2 weeks were kind of weird. Or like, I had to remind myself to take off my clothes. :D At the moment it is already colder outside and I have to keep a blanket on myself, especially if my windows are open. But anyway, everything feels so much softer. :D Especially if you have just taken a shower. I always wash up in the evenings, I can't imagine taking a shower in the morning. I guess it would wake me up more, but I would constantly think that oh no, I am going to be late for work or something. I always have to check the time and I need to have enough time to get ready, because if I don't, I get annoyed, hurry a bit too much, forget things or make mistakes.

To be honest there isn't much to write on this topic, I just did it, haha. :D At the same time I have also been back home at my parents' place and slept there. And then I have felt like I should still keep my clothes on. Even though I didn't do it in the end - it was 33 degrees and I have my own room there. But when I am visiting someone, I will definitely not sleep naked. xD At home I even wondered like what does my cat think about it, but luckily there isn't anyone else to stare at me.

When I get up and make myself coffee and food, I of course put clothes back on. I feel a bit chilly when I get up and it is kind of annoying, because...

I don't like my body. Especially lately, it is so annoying and I am always bothered, my weight has gone up and my body parts are just thicker. I have a bloated belly etc. Like yesterday I also came to work with pretty tight clothes, it sounded like a good idea at home. But when I was at the office and passed a mirror, I just wanted to start crying, because I just felt awful about myself. Today I made a better decision and wore a loose hoodie and jeans, it is also kind of cold outside and we don't have any meetings today. Also, I am almost the only person at the office as well.

In general past few days have been kind of bad. I just feel disgusting and I literally want to throw up at the thought of myself. Everything seems so awful and pointless and I want to ignore everyone, I just want to be alone and not do anything. Well, I would like to go to the gym and take walks, but I just can't find motivation to talk to people. It is my last day before vacation today and even this does not bring any positivity into my life, because I have plans already and... just let me BE. Like with the last vacation, everything is planned ahead, what to do with who and when etc. But I just want a free day for myself. :D Sorry for being like this, I just can't help it. Also with the plans comes eating and I don't want that. I would like to tell people that yes let's do something together but I don't want it to involve food. I want to eat alone and be by myself. I know social eating is okay and nice, but I just can't handle it at the moment. It seems too much, everything seems too much at the moment and I can't deal with the information that is coming from everywhere. I just wan't to switch off for a second. I KNOW that when the time comes I will enjoy these moments and it is not going to be as bad as it seems, but just... it is difficult. It is so fucking difficult. Instead of only affecting my guilt, eating has control over every emotion I have. I don't understand why it isn't becoming easier. I am always annoyed when I am eating with someone, I am thinking about what I have had the wgole day and I just can't stand it. Even in my last post, where I wrote about my perfect day, during the Queen's concert I just kept thinking about the meal and fact that I can't have anything and home now. I would just like to knock myself out for a while.

Also on Monday after work we went to spa with my sister and her friend. It was quite nice, if I didn't get a terrible stomach ache. It kept getting worse and worse, even though I took some meds. After 1,5 hours I just went home, because I felt super sick.

I managed to take a shower and get dressed and then I really thought that I can't do it. I wanted to say the workers there to call me an ambulance, because I thought I was going to die. Instead I still walked home, trying not to puke and I was crouching over all the way, it was the only way I could move a little. I am glad I live so close to this spa, because I wouldn't have made it home otherways.

I got into bed and for 45 minutes I was in true agony and I really didn't know what to do. Honestly, I don't think I have ever been in so much pain and I have no idea why it happened. Next day I fel better, but still not 100%, so I skipped gym and everything, went home and rested. Even though I felt guilty, because it was a free evening and I didn't do anything. :S

But spa itself was nice! A lot of saunas, warm water etc. I would have liked to be there for longer, because I didn't even try out everything, but yeah, I felt so awful I couldn't do it. I really liked Japanese onsen, because in Japan we also went there. And it is so weird that the water is so warm you actually get super hot sitting in it. :D Which is nice, is that they had free drinking water available all the time, this is the first spa that has it, or at least where I have seen it.

Anyway, this was weird pain and I hope I won't get it again. I am thinking that it would have been nice if my period started, but yeah. Not looking forward to cramps either. :D

I have my next psychologist appointment on 12th of August, because I have a vacation and then she is resting as well. Yesterday I felt that I REALLY need to talk to her, but I couldn't. Just yeah, not feeling my best at the moment.

I would like to go out for more runs, but I also like working on the equipment at the gym. And I just don't have time for both things. I am always walking around a lot, I love going to the stores and just look around and I get home quite late due to this. Then around 6 I usually go to the gym and I usually do 45 minutes on the machine and 15 minutes on the stair master. And then it is already past 7 when I go home, but then I want to instantly eat dinner. But I need to go home, shower, cook etc and then I don't really have time for running. :( I should proabably do one day running, one day gym or something? I don't know, I still haven't found my running motivation to be honest, everything is so difficult constantly.

But anyway, I will try to complete some urgent things at work and then enjoy my vacation, as much as I can. Today at 9 they also show the opening ceremony for Olympic Games again, I am thinking that I will make some tea and watch this. Maybe I will go for a little run as well. I went to the gym yesterday and my muscles are really sore, so I can't work on the machines I think, so maybe I will focus on running today. :)

Most people get too little sleep. The lack of sleep causes immune system to be weaker, you get sick more often and it also affects yout ability to work and think. Not to mention all of the other aspects of life.

There was a long period in my life where I slept maybe only 2-3 hours per night. And it wasn't as if I couldn't fall asleep - I just woke up too early and never managed to fall back asleep. I remember the times when I went to work an hour or two too early, because I only saw the minutes on the clock and thought it was about time. Then, getting to the office at 6 am, I understood something was wrong.

It was very difficult. I couldn't think clearly, it seemed like I was in a haze all of the time. I could stare at the distance and not hink about anything.

I did some research and found out that there are some people who don't need as much sleep and came to conclusion, that I was one of them.

Now this time is behind me. I am sure it is thanks to my medication, that allows me to sleep 12 hours straight. But I have a feeling it has stopped me from living. Like, even during the weekends I can't stay up later than until nine, though I would like to. I want to watch movies sometimes, read a book or study. But I am just so tired.

When I go to work, I wake up at 6:15, but I am used to this. I have no problems with getting up, I never snooze my alarm (even though I have five alarms set for every morning :D). And during the weekend I usually wake up around eight-nine, but I open my eyes even earlier. This is no surprise, as I go to bed so early.

Then on Friday I decided that this was enough. I sleep for the half of my life. And I know it is not bad and if my body needs sleep, I need to honor it, but I just wanted to do this challenge and stey up until 11 every night. And it doesn't matter if I don't do anything important, like it is fine to watch YouTube videos or just play Farm City on my phone (latest obsession) or pet the cat. Just... I feel like I need to get out of this work-home-sleep thing and give myself some more time to do nothing. Play on my phone. Like pictures on Instagram. Look up recipes.

On Friday it was quite easy to stay up. Around 7 I did a video call with my best friend, had a drink and we listened to some music plus I read some corona jokes out loud. :D It took an hour or so. Then I made some foor at around 8 and at 9 I had my dessert/snack. :D I did nothing, watched some videos (I should really post about my favourite YouTubers), read a little. And then Motu came to sleep on me and I couldn't make him go away, he was too cute, so I went to bed a little past midnight. Me!

Most people do this "my 5 am morning routine" recently, I am doing the exact opposite. :D How things have changed, haha. :D

On Saturday it was a bit more difficult to stay awake, even though I wasn't really sleepy. I went to bed around 10:30, but read a book for about an hour. I was surprised looking at the time at 11:20 whinking that I should go to sleep. I wasn't really tired, but fell asleep fast. The next morning I woke up a bit later, around nine I opened my eyes. Yes, this is "a bit later" for me. :D

On Sunday I really couldn't stay awake. Like for real, since 9 in the evening I was ready to go to bed. Also my weekend was really rough mentally and I was so done with everything. There was nothing on TV either. Finally around 10 I decided to go to bed, BUT I took my book and finished reading around 11. Then I was little on my phone and when I really couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I was still pretty tired, but not sleepy. I didn't fall asleep on the bus, as has happened before.

Why else am I doing this challenge? Because if I sleep for too long, I get a headache. It is kind of like pressure headache and it usually happens on the weekends, when I have been out of it for 12 hours in a row. And I don't know, it seems like a waste of time. I could do so much.

During the weekend I didn't do any studying, but I have this planned for today. I try and go through some things at home. Time is pressing and there is a lot of material I need to go over. And then I can enjoy me-time when I stay awake for longer.

It has been a while since I watched a series or a movie, but yesterday I saw a commercial for Lucifer and remembered I started watching it. Maybe I will try and see if I can watch another episode instead of just killing time. We shall see.

I think I won't keep up with this challenge after 5 days are over and will go to sleep at a normal time for myself. But at the same time I am excited doing this one. :D Like I am a small kid and no one is making me go to bed. :D

On the fourth day I watched In Time movie on TV, even though I didn't finish it. I still went to bed at half past one, but yeah. :D On the next morning I was super sleepy. On the bus I almost fell asleep and missed my stop. And I felt like my coffee needed an extra coffee. But we managed. It was nice to be awake so late, because everything was so quiet and calm. My neighbour is renovating his bathroom and he keeps drilling. Or listens to loud music. Even though he shuts it off at a normal time, so I can't really complain. :D But yeah, in general it is weird to just sit, do nothing and watch TV.

On the last day of this challenge my best friend came to visit me and we watched tons of videos and had some drinks. It didn't matter it was only Tuesday. :D At least I ordered myself a smartwatch. But I am not going to say which one I picked yet - I get it on Thursday (it is currently Wedensday) and I want to try it out for a bit, then I will write a whole post on it. Anyway I am happy with it, even though it was a bit more expensive than I wanted to.

Anyway I had dinner a lot later than usually, around 8:30. I was super hungry and food disappeared quickly. Then I also had some grapes and chocolate candies. I thought that I didn't like chocolate with mint after all, but these candies were really good if I am honest. :D

It was difficult to stay up. Probably because I slept little last night and my body wanted to recover from it. I tried to read a book, but my eyes were closing forcably so I stopped. I don't know what time I actually fell asleep ,but it was aroun 11. Or a few minutes before that.

Anyway yes, that was Tuesday. I think I will try again today.

Today another friend of mine is coming to visit and we are going to order food. Can't wait.

In my last post I said that my depression is really strong. I had the first meeting with my new psychologist and I already cried and all. But it seems that she is really nice and I was happy. Mainly she just asked questions about me and tried to get to know me, but when she saw I was super tense, then we did some breathing exercises together. Also she is different from the other lady, we set some goals for me and it seems to work, because I love challenges, tasks and goals, they seem more reasonable when I have said them out loud.

I also saw my psychiatrist who said that oiii Signe, you won't get rid of your meds any time soon, when I told him how I have been feeling recently... :D He was really upset with me. But I guess I needed that. I just admitted to him that I want to be better already, as I don't want to disappoint them constantly. Though it is their job to make me get better. But yeah, I just feel embarrassed. :D

Anyway then my best friend came to visit and later I felt MILION times better. I thought that I wanted to be alone and spend time with myself, but I really needed to chill with her. Another thing to remember - when things are getting tough, I can look for help from friends. Now the next time I know what to do when similar things happen.

On Wednesday I had another friend coming over and we ordered some food from Burger Box. She took burger and fries and I took loaded sweet potato fries with falafels and all kinds of good stuff. It was really nice. For a long time I wondered if I wanted this or should I go for a poke bowl, but I knew that deep inside I wanted fries and falafels. My illness just told me that I want something "lighter" and "healthier". Also had some crisps and ice cream later.

It was a little bit difficult, but once we had the food, it was fine. I got super full too, I am always scared I remain hungry if I order out. Like, I don't get full from pizza at all. :D I could probably have several pizzas in a row and then also a dessert, haha.

We got to talk and discover how alike we are and how we both have some weird habits. :D

I got to sleep sometime between 10 and 11, because I was just super tired and also cold, as I walked home and it got a bit chilly in the evening. I hoped there was going to be a good movie on TV, but there wasn't any. And I wasn't in the mood to pick something from Netflix, because it always takes ma ages to make a decision. :D

I still have this habit that when I am awake, I need to snack. Like there is no life unless I am not chewing on something. I don't understand how some people can watch TV while not snacking, I just can't do it. :D Then I am thinking about how people have food at 5-6 pm, because I always eat at 7 or even later. I have never been the one to skip dinners or snacks, I always do that in the evenings. I would kind of like to get rid of this habit, but I can't. Besides evenings are the only time when feeling full is fine for me and I don't feel disgusted. I especially hate feeling full during lunchtime. But I am working on it.

Now today (on Thursday) and on Friday I have home office, which makes things super difficult, because I have so much food around me and I can't stop myself. It isn't even lunchtime yet, but I have already had some cereal, chocolate, some cookies and a few grapes. Of course I also had breakfast. But I just have so many snacks at home I am constantly snacking. With home office it also sucks I need to make myself coffee, there is no machine that would do it for me. :D My best friend said this once and now I understand her.

What can I say about this challenge all in all? I quite liked it. It was nice to stay up later and talk to people, do my own things etc. I guess I am not gonna keep it up, but maybe I can stay up until 10 or something. :D An hour added to my day.

I haven't done any studying even though it was one of my goals for this week. I hope that I can find my motivation again and do it this week, time is passing quite fast thesedays. Besides in the evenings I don't really feel tired, it is just a habit to go to bed early. I would like to go through at least half an hour of studying each night, I will try that!

Also today I am finally getting my smartwatch, can't wait. I believe this will motivate me going running again as well... then I can hopefully complete my running challenge too, as weather has gotten a lot better as well. So yeah, there are things to look forward to.

I think I have gotten over my major depressive episode now, I only think about it sometimes now. This is progress. I hope things are going better now again, because honestly I am just so DONE with feeling awful.

Also, for a moment I thought about getting up earlier and going running then. :D I have never tried this, but sometimes when I go to work I see people running and think that I want to try this too. I have tried staying up later now, time to switch up the morning routine maybe. :D Besides I want to try taking a shower in the morning... but I think I would be too worried about being late for work. Even though it makes no sense, because I usually arrive at the office an hour before anyone else.

I got a gift yesterday too, most of you are going to faint: my favourite vegan cheese! This chilli one is to die for. Honestly, I highly recommend them. I like this a lot more than normal cheese, I never feel disgusting and heavy after having it.