I Won't Quote

I thought about a lot of challenges to do... what would be an interesting read, what would be an actual challenge that I can stick to for 5 days. I had some ideas so I combined them all together.

At first I wanted to talk about moving and working out. Then I wanted to tell you about studying and reading. Then I wanted to mention listening to a radio or a podcast. I also wanted to do something in the kitchen. 

And then I thought about being a little productive every single day. Lately things have not been going too well and most of my time I just do nothing. To make the most of my time, I needed to make a change and DO something every single day.

I think I will try to and write down at least three things that I have done and would have usually skipped.

Sunday

Half of my fay I was kind of confused, because I couldn't figure out what I needed to do then. To be productive. In the end I came to some sort of realisation and started to put it into practice. All in all:

- I studied for 30-45 minutes

- I loved myself: went for a long walk and worked out for 15 minutes

- I cleaned and did some laundry. I still have some organizing to do at home, I need to take old furniture into the basement for example, because I have no idea about what to do with them pieces...

- I prepared some dinner that I haven't made before

- I read a book

I couldn't come up with more things at the moment, but I want to put emphasis on studying, which I haven't done in a while, and moving myself, which is also kind og meh. In the evening when I went to sleep, I felt really accomplished and it was nice.

Monday

I had so much motivation when I woke up in the morning. But at work I didn't feel like doing anything, but I looked through some stuff and planned things in advance. Though I could have done more - as always. But this weekend just went by so fast and I feel like I didn't get any rest at all. I will try and mark down as many things as I did yesterday. And do similar stuff.

Monday productivity list was as follows:

- I listend to an audiobook

- Translated a blog post into English finally

- Took an extra task at work

- Started a new law book I want to go through

- Did some exercises at home

- Made proper dinner (Japanese curry)

- Walked quite a bit after work while listening to an audiobook

Tuesday

Today morning I also felt motivated, but I almost missed my bus and couldn't listen to my audiobook in the morning. So I feel like I wasted this time I could have invested into it.

Otherways at work it has been a nice day, I have had several meetings already and I have been talking about things at work a lot. Also I have done quite a bit of work today. But yeah, I needed to get it done anyway. Also even during the moments I am taking a rest, my brain is still working on my cases, so I have some things almost solved, though I haven't written them out yet. It is good to be prepared though.

I would really love to go for a run today, but it is raining outside so it is not that inviting. I guess I will walk back home and listen to some music or my audiobook and do some exercises indoors. I found a workout video yesterday what I would like to try at home. I should clean at home also, especially because mum is coming over on the weekend, but I hope I will have some time to do it tomorrow or something. I sould go and check out my basement thingy. :D

- Participated two meetings

- Did this home workout

- Studied a little

- Listened to an audiobook

Wednesday

I feel like my productivity has gone down, I haven't done as much stuff as I would have liked. But I have made genuine effort and done things. So I guess at least I am more productive than I was last week.

- Had a meeting

- Studied for about half an hour

- Ran 3,5 km, which is the longest run I have done this year and I could have kept going, but it was quite late already and I didn't want to overtrain as we are going hiking tomorrow

- Cleaned at home, because my cat is shedding a loooot, I vacuumed everything at took the trash and empty bottles out.

Thursday

Today I won't be doing much, because we have a bog hike planned. I got up super early, but no wonder, as I went to bed quite early as well. I had to get up at 9 but opened my eyes at 7 already.

A few weeks ago I had this really stressful and depressed time and I am back there right now, I feel so disgusting and awful. Today is a bit better though. I guess it plays a role that my weight has gone up quite a bit yet again and this upset me.

Every cell in my body was against having breakfast today, because I know today brings a lot of snacking and drinking. But I made proper porridge for myself. Then there were these discussions about should I also add a banana, do I add regular amount of oats, do I add less strawberries, but I just override these thoughts and made my normal porridge. I feel better and not a guilty today, but I guess these feelings will eventually come, as I am sure I am going to overeat. I try to think that this is normal and I still need to gain some weight, but it is not helping. Everything is okay. I just need to repeat this to myself often enough.

At least I get to share these things with a friend and she understands me, this makes everything better. I have no idea if today will be any productive at all, but at least I can write down that I do something with other people, I am moving my body and I am participating in things. Will jot them down tomorrow.

All in all I do feel like I have been more productive. At first I don't want to do anything, but once I get going, it gets easier. And I can complete what I need to do.

One of the biggest changes is definitely that I am not on my phone as much anymore, I have been actually living. And I have been doing things I kind of skipped on for a while.

…

And there is not list today, because I was not productive at all. Well, I could add that I did something different at least - went to a bog. And swam in a pond! It was nice. There was a lot of eating and I calculated... well, I don't even want to write it out. Today I feel quite disgusting, but I am sure I will get over it. It happens. I have gotten over it other times, why should today be different.

My head is actually full of thoughts and there are so many ideas I want to do and write. Which is good. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what to blog about anymore, but I have a plan for next 2 posts already. I haven't written anything down yet, but I have good ideas. So should be interesting. Even though I don't know, things may change with the challenges.

I want to get over my food addiction, because I am quite sure I have it. All the time when I am awake I need to eat something. :D It is difficult like this. Sitting at home and eating. Or going out with people and eating. Everything is about food and eating.

It is also difficult to see people who are thinner than I am, like yesterday I needed to tell myself all the time that different bodies, different paths, different prople and everything is different. I guess it did help.

I really didn't want to talk about eating in this post, but I kind of got stuck here, sorry. :D Also I am sorry for being behind with translating my posts. :D 

I will try and continue with this productivity thing, I want to start making lists and completing them. It feels so good when you actually finish stuff. And it becomes easier and easier the more you do it. But at the same time you can't forget REST and doing nothing, because they are equally as important. So I took it very easy over the weekend.

To start, I wanted to talk about my commentator saying that healing from an eating disorder can be really easy and freeing as well. Which is true. When I was at the hospital, there was a girl in my room who was super motivated. She didn't know how she ended up there, but she knew she wanted to get well as soon as possible. She had a dream of becoming a doctor and we promised not to keep contact, but I hope she is doing well and on the way to reach her goals.

And this process of healing CAN be easy! If you find and answer to your "why", just go for it. Also when it is easy for you, doesn't mean you are not sick enough. You were and are just as ill as the people who find recovery difficult. It doesn't mean you have made up this illness or something, far from it. Just, I don't know, let's compare it to thrombosis for example. Some people have it once, they take meds and they get better. Well, there is always a chance of getting it again, but it doesn't happen maybe. At the same time there are other people, who have to take medication for years or all their life. It is the same with anorexia. Some people get over it faster, doesn't fall back into restricting and live their life hammily. There is still some danger, as you are aware of things! At the same time there are others, who heal for a LONG time and to whom it is really difficult. Some poeple can struggle all their life.

And both options are OKAY. They are VERY okay. I just hope that whatever happens, you find a way to heal yourself. No matter, how difficult it is. :) These are my thoughts for today.

Why did I title this post as "what's next?"? Because... I feel like I am ready to move on. Especially in my personal life.

When I finished my batchelor's degree, I thought I wouldn't want to EVER deal with law, study more of it or work in it. And now there are several years after my BA. And you know, I have played with the idea of doing my Master's, to see if I can handle it. Because to be honest I was already struggling when I finished my BA. Both with my weight and depression. I just didn't pay attention to it and tried not t ogo mad. And somehow I succeeded in getting my diploma.

But in my work, it is not enough, not at all. And lately I have started to learn a lot by myself. I have researched both Estonian and English materials and read a lot. And then I finally realised - I want to keep studying. Like. A. Lot.

I want to know more, educate myself further and be up to date with things. I am in the law area now as well, I don't want to just "get through", I want to actually understand things. Yeah, I managed to get a good grade on my BA exam, but it doesn't really help me in real life.

So I took all of my BA material I got from a good friend and started studying. Actually I have only done it for a few days now, but my motivation is all time high! I even got myself some notebooks, highlighters, pens and all kinds of things, because I know I will remember stuff better if I write it out.

My best friend is also happy for me and excited. And I talked to my mum a bit on the weekend and she also said it is amazing and cool and nice. And like, I know someone can be like "I told you so", but if it had to be like this, it had to be like this.

This is also one of the positive sides of recovering from my ED. I am able to think finally. My thoughts are not filled with food ALL THE TIME, I can actually focus. I can understand things and remember them. And it is so cool. So so cool I can't really explain it. :D

Anyway, starting from the fall I hope to become a student again. I feel like now it is the time!

I started studying on Saturday evening, half past 11 pm. Because I just... felt like it. :D And I learned for about an hour. I thought I will set a goal of one hour at least per day. But on Sunday I already did 1,5 hours. I am enjoying it, it is super weird!

I have kind of left all the other challenges at the moment. Well, I have worked out still every day, because my mind also needs a rest and this helps well. I feel weirdly good. :D I hope that I don't ruin it now and can still continue on my motivation high for some time, would be perfect. I really hope that my work, people and everything around me supports me.

So university is next. :)

I will probably never stop blogging though, because challenges are awesome and even though my focus is turning into other things, I will always talk about my ED.

Friday was really difficult for me. I haven't had this much guilt in a while, but I was just sitting at work, having eaten three cookies and I felt these waves of cold and hot rush over my back. I felt hot and freezing at the same time. I havenät had these kind of moments for a long time now. I felt like my head was going to explode and I need to get these things out of my head, but I was just stuck.

I was not prepared for this situation and I didn't have a coping mechanism, to feel better. It was awful. I wanted to cry, I couldn't focus and there was not enough air. Scary. And to think I used to feel like this all the time. And if not all the time, then at least after every meal. Crazy to think about it. Honestly, wouldn't even want my enemies to feel like this.

Anyway yes. I would actually like to finish my book, study for uni, read the psychology book I mentioned, work out, go for walks, eat well, work well, be productive and so one. Everything feels so much suddenly, but we shall see what happens. :D