To start, I wanted to talk about my commentator saying that healing from an eating disorder can be really easy and freeing as well. Which is true. When I was at the hospital, there was a girl in my room who was super motivated. She didn't know how she ended up there, but she knew she wanted to get well as soon as possible. She had a dream of becoming a doctor and we promised not to keep contact, but I hope she is doing well and on the way to reach her goals.
And this process of healing CAN be easy! If you find and answer to your "why", just go for it. Also when it is easy for you, doesn't mean you are not sick enough. You were and are just as ill as the people who find recovery difficult. It doesn't mean you have made up this illness or something, far from it. Just, I don't know, let's compare it to thrombosis for example. Some people have it once, they take meds and they get better. Well, there is always a chance of getting it again, but it doesn't happen maybe. At the same time there are other people, who have to take medication for years or all their life. It is the same with anorexia. Some people get over it faster, doesn't fall back into restricting and live their life hammily. There is still some danger, as you are aware of things! At the same time there are others, who heal for a LONG time and to whom it is really difficult. Some poeple can struggle all their life.
And both options are OKAY. They are VERY okay. I just hope that whatever happens, you find a way to heal yourself. No matter, how difficult it is. :) These are my thoughts for today.
Why did I title this post as "what's next?"? Because... I feel like I am ready to move on. Especially in my personal life.
When I finished my batchelor's degree, I thought I wouldn't want to EVER deal with law, study more of it or work in it. And now there are several years after my BA. And you know, I have played with the idea of doing my Master's, to see if I can handle it. Because to be honest I was already struggling when I finished my BA. Both with my weight and depression. I just didn't pay attention to it and tried not t ogo mad. And somehow I succeeded in getting my diploma.
But in my work, it is not enough, not at all. And lately I have started to learn a lot by myself. I have researched both Estonian and English materials and read a lot. And then I finally realised - I want to keep studying. Like. A. Lot.
I want to know more, educate myself further and be up to date with things. I am in the law area now as well, I don't want to just "get through", I want to actually understand things. Yeah, I managed to get a good grade on my BA exam, but it doesn't really help me in real life.
So I took all of my BA material I got from a good friend and started studying. Actually I have only done it for a few days now, but my motivation is all time high! I even got myself some notebooks, highlighters, pens and all kinds of things, because I know I will remember stuff better if I write it out.
My best friend is also happy for me and excited. And I talked to my mum a bit on the weekend and she also said it is amazing and cool and nice. And like, I know someone can be like "I told you so", but if it had to be like this, it had to be like this.
This is also one of the positive sides of recovering from my ED. I am able to think finally. My thoughts are not filled with food ALL THE TIME, I can actually focus. I can understand things and remember them. And it is so cool. So so cool I can't really explain it. :D
Anyway, starting from the fall I hope to become a student again. I feel like now it is the time!
I started studying on Saturday evening, half past 11 pm. Because I just... felt like it. :D And I learned for about an hour. I thought I will set a goal of one hour at least per day. But on Sunday I already did 1,5 hours. I am enjoying it, it is super weird!
I have kind of left all the other challenges at the moment. Well, I have worked out still every day, because my mind also needs a rest and this helps well. I feel weirdly good. :D I hope that I don't ruin it now and can still continue on my motivation high for some time, would be perfect. I really hope that my work, people and everything around me supports me.
So university is next. :)
I will probably never stop blogging though, because challenges are awesome and even though my focus is turning into other things, I will always talk about my ED.
Friday was really difficult for me. I haven't had this much guilt in a while, but I was just sitting at work, having eaten three cookies and I felt these waves of cold and hot rush over my back. I felt hot and freezing at the same time. I havenät had these kind of moments for a long time now. I felt like my head was going to explode and I need to get these things out of my head, but I was just stuck.
I was not prepared for this situation and I didn't have a coping mechanism, to feel better. It was awful. I wanted to cry, I couldn't focus and there was not enough air. Scary. And to think I used to feel like this all the time. And if not all the time, then at least after every meal. Crazy to think about it. Honestly, wouldn't even want my enemies to feel like this.
Anyway yes. I would actually like to finish my book, study for uni, read the psychology book I mentioned, work out, go for walks, eat well, work well, be productive and so one. Everything feels so much suddenly, but we shall see what happens. :D
