Second month at home

10:39:00 PM

IMG-20200117-WA0000

It has not been exacly two months yet, but there are so many things I have written down and want to get out.

13th of January, 2020

It is still more difficult at home, than at the hospital, but things are going well. I will try to beat my fear foods every day and also beat the guilty feelings. Some days are better than others. But I try to take one day at the time - I am thinking that okay, I fucked up today and had "too much" today, then tomorrow I have an opportunity to restrict. And then tomorrow comes and I am like - doesn't mater, I shall eat well - I can eat less the next day. And so on. So in the end I eat properly most of the time. :D

What is difficult is accepting foods that are not connected to my meal or snacks. For example when someone offers a candy or a cookie and I have had my snack already. Then I have this block in my mind and refuse. Also liquid calories are still really difficult, all kinds of drinks such as cocoa and mulled wine etc. I make them parts of my snacks, but I want to have them as extras. It would be nice to have a glass of wine with my food occasionally and not think that "now I can't have dessert".

I want to start working out. It would give some purpose to my days. Especially during the weekends I don't like being at home whole day. When I went to the gym, it was really nice - on Satruday afternoon there was Body Combat class and this gave me such a nice feeling for the rest of the day. A good energy. I want to get back there. So one thing to discuss with my doctor is going to the gym. But I have not been able to get in contact with her.

I will try to write down stuff during this month here... then I can see in the end where I have ended up 2 months after leaving the hospital.

14th of January, 2020

As I wrote that I am scared of accepting candy and cookes that do not go with my meal or snack, this opportunity arose. I decided to accept a candy. There was some instant guilt, but... today is a new day and I haven't gained 100 kilos. :D I feel like... I could do it again!

IMG_20200125_091034_350

I have discovered tropical porridge - with coconut, mango and banana.

17th of January, 2020

There has been more candy related moments now. It is quite difficult on some days but... when I repeat it, it will be easier each time and I can see that I am not gaining too much weight from it. So all is well.

I am thinking of making another sweets-related post, as I have tried so many new things by now.

It is still a struggle to deal with my mind - so many negative thoguhts and I haven't reached the point where I woudln't care about my weight yet. My mood still depends on it and it sucks, but what can you do. I am looking forward to this switch so I could focus on recovery. I think it would be so so good then.

I really want to start working out, so so much! Everyone keep telling me that it is not far, but for me it seems to be the furthest thing. I miss putting on my gym shoes and just running. Especially as the weather is quite warm for winter and there is no ice... I want to know when I get myself back and things would become more normal.

It is also still difficult to eat out. I WANT to do it and I like doing it, but it is out of the ordinary for me and it stresses me out. I automatically feel that as I am not cooking myself, there is a lot of unnecessary things and pil and stuff and then I want to skip snacks or meals altogether. Which makes no sense. I need to gain weight to start working out, but yet I am so scared. Why can't my "I want to work out" side be stronger. :D

21st of January, 2020

I still need to move a lot. Every day I need to go out and just walk or go to the stores far away. Sitting at home is depressing and gives me feeling that I shouldn't eat as much. But moving around is good too. Fresh air is nice and so one. So... yeah.

I have been thinking about going back to the hospital recently. But definitely not before Japan trip. Which is LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY! :O How is time passing so fast?! I should be more prepared and make a list of things to do and so on. But... I could write it down here too? I will write about the trip. :D Ha, another good idea. But anyway, after this trip I will consult with myseld and see where I am and maybe contact the hospital again if necessart. Because it is tough. So tough. Maybe being there for a shorter amount of time would help me get better faster. Also I miss my psychologist there, best doctor who I have met.

She said I could actually write to her and that she can maybe recommend someone in Tallinn. Again a thing I should work on. It would be good and I guess it would be better match than with the psychologist I have here right now, who just always says that my weight is too low for therapy. Like, I need therapy to get eating :D.

IMG_20191229_094214_685

My phone is full of porridge pictures. :D

22. January 2020

What is good is that I am not as cold as I used to be all the time. I guess I am still feeling chillier than people who are in normal weight range, but this is still better than what it used to be.

Also I have not woken up covered in sweat, so it seems my hormones are balancing out. I am not really sure about this topic, but we were told something like this at the hospital.

What is weird is that I have terrible cramps in my feet. I don't know if it is connected to having an eating disorder, but yeah. I shouldn't have lack of magnesium, because my blood tests were okay. I have discovered that it happens less when my feet are warm and I am wearing socks. It is weird anyway.

24. January 2020

I am thinking about going for a short run on the weekend. Even if it is just to see if I have enough strength. I am afraid that I am not capable of running for long, but I really want to. Okay, I didn't go in the end.

I promised myself to get back into bouldering this year. I think I have become really weak, but I want to go even if it is just once, to try. :D I miss it a lot and I am following bouldering community on Facebook and gaaah I want to go bouldering. :D

I am afraid that my eating disorder is going to ruin the trip. I am trying to take it easy and think that all will be well, but I am still a bit anxious. What if I focus too much on food or am afriad if eating and end up feeling weak? I don't know, usually is is easier when I am away somewhere, as "it doesn't count", but we shall see. Maybe it helps that I am not having to eat alone, I am eating with others... and if they are eating then I am too. I think this is good and will help me.

I haven't written down my weight here - I don't know if I should? It is kind of personal and maybe it will affect someone negatively, because of comparison? I always compare myself to others, so I don't know. But it is not a secret.

My friend promised to take me to a trip if I hit 50 kgs. I am still not there. :D I have promised to myself that when I hit 50, I can work out again. Still a bit to go, but things are moving, I promise.

27. January 2020

New week and new beginning. I should look for some new challenges, I haven't really been doing much recently. I am doing this positive things one, but it is not really something interesting. Maybe I will try... meditating?

At the same time I want to do food-related challenges. New recipes would be cool too, maybe I will do this. But not for a whole week, because for example today I am going to have sushi with a friend. I am anxious already, but I can do this. I haven't seen her for a while so I can focus on chatting more than eating, right.

Yesterday I had a weird breakdown. I just started crying, because things are so difficult. It also made me realise that I really need to see a psychologist and get these emotions out. I will try and contact them again today. Weirdly there are no appointments when I check the online registery. I am thinking of going for my own money already, because it is impossible to get a time. :S

Also I am thinking that... maybe I should write about the eating disorder more often? Some people have said that I am not talking about my health at all, even though it is really relevant right now. Maybe I should post something every week? I shall see how much material I have and decide then.

Good luck for the upcoming week!

You Might Also Like

0 comments

Subscribe