I Won't Quote: vacation

Completely normal

So I went to Tartu in the end, on Friday. I thought that I will use this thing where I plan coming back earlier on a Saturday, as my psychologist suggested... well, I made it home at 5 on Sunday. So I stayed for two nights.

Because I felt so normal. This small trip showed me that normal life is possible. Honestly, it was weird. I am not used to this feeling. Especially because last couple of weeks have been really depressive for me and I already told to my psychologist that I want to start taking higher dose of my meds, because I just cannot handle life. I don't know, maybe thanks to having bad time previously, these few days felt so good? My mum said I need to try and hold on to this, especially now on the next day as work is starting again etc. I will try and do my best.

On Friday I took the bus at 9am and went to Tartu. As I got there, I took a cup of coffee in a cafe and then went to some stores plus I walked along the river. Then I went to my relative's workplace and waited until her shift ended. Then we went to her place. Zero pressure. Zero guilt. Zero worries.

Later we went to town to eat something. Went to a place called Uulits and picked burgers and fries. I also had a glass of wine. No problem. Burger was really good and it was so nice to eat it now, without braces. It was so nice, and so much fun. I also finally tried this Beyond Meat burger patty and it was really next level from regular vegan burgers. Even though I like those as well, but to get this real burger experience was exciting. :D It was difficult to pick a place for dinner, but my relative was really nice and we literally went to EVERY place in old town before I made a decision, haha. :D So I still have difficult time with deciding on things. :D

Then we just chilled, had some drinks (we were in a place called Vein ja vine, which was awesome), talked to some people and so on. Cheese board in a cafe? Done. Wrap in the middle of the night from a petrol station? Done. We went home and got to sleep at like 3 am. And in the morning we got up around 9:30.

Honestly, I opened my eyes and thought that I will not get up. Hangover was there. But I just rested a little more and it passed. We chatted for a while and tried to come up with a place to go and have breakfast at.

We went to Kolm Tilli, I got scrambled eggs with spinach, avocado mash, sourdough bread and a lot of fried mushrooms. And cafe latte. And I enjoyed every bite. But what was the most important - I didn't think of food all the time. We chatted, met up with another person and we just enjoyed life. I had some ice cream as well. Best vegan ice cream I have ever had. With coconut and salted caramel. Amazing. And despite everything I felt so GOOD.

Then we went back home for a moment and later walked to the river, tested out the water and just strolled. We also visited my other relatives who have yound children. I had a coffee. Had some homemade ice cream. Thought that I should plan going back to Tallinn and then suddenly I come out with: hey, I am going to stay another night. :D If I had gone back in the evening, I would have made it home at like 2 am or something, so it seemed more reasonable to go home the next day instead. I planned to go at around 10 in the morning, but that plan failed.

In the evening we went to eat out again (best Chinese EVER, I had crispy vegetables in chilli-honey sauce, like sweet spicy chicken, but veggie version and it was SO GOOD. My last Chinese experience was frozen veggies in soy sauce at Chopsticks, after that I have avoided Chinese places :D), then we went home, made some tea and sat on the rooftop, snacking on some radishes.

We just talked for a long time and I had this Reality Check game with me, we went through the cards and tried to devide them between us. :D It was kind of funny. We told each other stories contacted to the cards, like if there was "the most suspicious person", then one of us told a story about when we felt we were weird etc. :D We also showed each other pictures and videos we had in our phones and time just passed super fast. Suddenly it was almost 1 am and we finally decided to get some sleep. It had gotten a bit cooler outside as well, so we were enjoying it a lot. We had all the windows open and it was soooo nice. :D

The next morning we woke up around the same time and made some pancakes. While I was still laying down, I felt it - really bad anxiety. Like, it was wild. I was tense all over, my heart beat super fast and my mouth was dry. I couldn't think clearly, my thoughts were all over the place and I felt nauseous. Not the hangover feeling, it was just really really bad panic. I really thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. And I didn't know what to do. But at the same time it was good that I wasn't at home alone, because then I would have lost myself inside my head and breaking free would have been much more difficult.

But then I remembered that I forgot to take my medication yesterday and as soon as I took it, in an hour I was completely fine. We had pancakes, both savoury and sweet. I have been wanting pancakes for suuuuucch a long time, so this was perfect. :D I also got to drink NATO emergency food back coffee, it was weird. Looked like a tea bag. :D But it was fine. We talked to my relative's mum and talked to her. We just chilled. Talked a lot about our trips, life and so on. We caught up on all the things we had missed out while we didn't talk for years. We remembered all the old times. And then finally at around 2 pm I took the bus home.

My psychologist told me that when I feel negative, there is an uncomfortable situation or I start to regret my decision, I should think about something good, focus on something else, do the exercise that helps me to stay in present.

But like... I didn't need that. I think there was something that came over me, something called FEELING GOOD. I felt so light, as if I was reborn and I was just like ?????? at myself all the time, because I really felt something other than negative emotions. I was at peace.

I talked to my mum a lot about it when I got home and she just said that normal people feel like this. Is this possible?! Is it really possible not to worry, not to want to kill yourself, not to thing dark thoughts, not to regret things you have done, not to want to CRY ALL THE TIME? Could I really be normal?

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, by Signe

I paused my eating disorder

Yep. I told my eating disorder that okay, now when I am going to Viljandi until I will be back in Tallinn, you are paused and then we will see how we will continue. Then we will restrict again and will get back to where we were.

I don't know about you, but when I go to visit my parents or we go somewhere, all eating, snacking and overeating is really easy to go down. I don't understand people who say they lose weight during a holiday. In group, people are keeping their eyes on my very carefully and I am being monitored, it is impossible to skip meals or have something different. Food is being prepared and you need to have it, even if you don't want to. There is no possibility to make your own choices. So the only way to deal with it is to pause your eating disorder.

Now that I am back in Tallinn, it is still paused - until my vacation is over. (It is over now, I am just late to translating this post, sorry about that.)

How has it been? It has not been paused 100%. I may have a chat with my disorder, but it is so difficult. Everything is still fucking difficult. My weight has gone up by a kilo during my vacation and it is fucking with my mind. And during the vacation as well, I had many tears-filled days and I had such overhwelming guilt... so I can't say it was fully paused. But I tried to make it be. What I also did was not talking about food. My mum even complimented me, saying that I didn't make a huge deal out of eating and I managed quite well. Doesn't matter that I cried when I was alone...

Anyway, yeah.

First food related stop for us was at Muhu, where I wanted to go to this handmade ice cream shop. By company LaMuu.

My mum and sister had an ice cream in a waffle cone, but it is difficult to eat something like this with braces (I need to remove the elastics for it and I didn't have anywhere to put them), so I picked just three flavours in a cup. I tried black ice cream, which was flavoured as white chocolate, beer flavoured ice cream and fake Nutella (vegan) ice cream. I really liked them all and others agreed that the fake Nutella one was the best. :D

I got a lot of guilty feelings from it. Not at first, but later. After that we went to adventure park, Kaali crater and hotel and then my mum and sister started to say that they are hungry, even though we just were supposed to visit Sõrve lighthouse and then go and have dinner. And at home in the morning we ate a lot and then the ice cream was a lot too. Still, we went to the store and...

This was the most difficult thing during our trip. They had some sandwiches, which I have also liked to have, but everything was with meat. And they did not allow me to skip this meal. This was the moment where we had a little fight and I was really disappointed they didn't respect my decision. I couldn't even enjoy the pancakes, as I was too upset.

For dinner we went to Saaremaa Veski. I picked vegan thing from the menu, which was chickpea burgers with sweet potato fries. And I tried one craft beer. The food was amazing and my sister and mum also enjoyed what they had picked.

It was a huge portion and I was really full, but I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter and at the hospital we ate even more. I was extra good and had some bread and butter on the side as well.

After that we went to the hotel and had different snacks, rye bread crisps, pistachios, chips and dip and drank wine. During having these things it is not difficult, but it is so later, especially the next day when I get waves of guilt. I didn't express it in words, I just sent my sister some messages about feeling bad and awful and uncomfortable an guilty.

The next morning we had breakfast buffee, which again meant having so much food. And then we had some snack, but main meal we had at Hiiumaa, in Rannapaargu restaurant.

I would have really liked to have grilled salmon, but they had ran out of it. Vegan selection waas burger with sweet potato fries and chickpea patty, and I didn't want to have the same stuff again. So I picked some fish cutlets with fresh potatoes and mayo sauce and salad. I really liked it. I didn't have too many guilty feelings at that point, and I was quite hungry. My mum and sister were again happy with their selection as well. All in all I would say I liked Saaremaa Veski more, but this was not bad.

After that we looked around for a bit to see if there was a cafe or something nearby, but we didn't have time to go in the end.

Instead we had coffee and cake on the ferry...

Pickng the cake was really difficult and I think I would have liked something else, but as others had this, I felt that it is allowed for me as well. Even though I could have had anything, really... I don't know. Anyway, this cake was not the best thing I have ever had. It was too sweet and not sweet enough at the same time and it was in general kind of weird. If I had picked this cake when others had something different though, it would have been even more difficult. And in reality I have been thinking that I want to have chocolate cake... I don't knowwww. It would have been better if we had been in an actual cafe.

At home in Viljandi we grilled some sausages and I got vegan sausages. These are really good. My dad had one and he also said that he couldn't tell it wasn't meat.

Grilling it added an extra smiky flavour and it was amazing. Even though making it in the oven works well too. Anyway, it was nice to sit outside, drink some wine or beer and just chat. This is my favourite part of barbeque.

Now that I am eating mushrooms, mum made fresh potatoes with chatarelles. This was so good. I had two full plates...

But now I am back in Tallinn and my rhythm has gone back to normal for me. I missed it so much. To have some sort of plan for the days.

At the same time I really managed to break free from having 3 meals and 3-4 snacks. It went better than I expected. But still, it was difficult... and gaining weight after the vacation. Gah. Mentally it has been exhausting. And my "eating disorder is paused" doesn't really help any more, I guess the week free from it was an absolute stretch.

But I was good and on the first full day in Tallinn I still made some proper breakfast porridge. I brought a lot of gooseberries from home, and also some blackcurrants. I really enjoy my breakfasts and they are on next level thanks to fresh berries.

With cocoa and blackcurrants. And today morning I made the same with vanilla peanut butter. And my porridge servings are also bigger than they used to be. This is also progress.

I have a new deal with my friend as well. I said that I can't gain so much weight so fast, as our current plan had me do. I just find it mentally too hard. So now my goal is to gain a kilo in two weeks, when he still continues with losing 2 to 2,5 kilos in two weeks.

But all in all, I have been doing well. Now today it is Monday and I should start a new challenge, but I just can't come up with any. :D But I feel like I need to, because that is the essence of my blog. I will try and come up with something.

I have tried some new vegan products, but I am not going to talk about them in this post.

Anyway, I am glad that this stressful part of the vacation is over. But I am also feeling sad. I discovered that I didn't think about food all the time and some moments, for example having meals at the restaurant with others, were kind of easy. And also... gaining one kilo per week was not the worst thing that could have happened. Besides I had a goal, agreement, to do that... and on the sixth I went to see my doctor so now I could finally show them some results. I have always just sat in their office, repeating "next time, next time"...

Also I wanted to write about one more thing. I need a new job. And I would like to do something to express myself, but I have a feeling there is NO SUCH JOB. And I don't know what else I would like to do. I am so lost. Does anyone else ever feel lke this? How to get out of this funk? Argh.

But well. Now I have written down everything about these guilty feelings and foods. And now some days have passed and I am feeling better. At least for now. And I need to be in "now!. What is the point of stressing over the past or future? You cannot change the past and you don't know what is to come.

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, by Signe

In anorexia, anorexia recovery

From Sõrve to Narva it is our land / how I look currently

NB! This post has a lot of pictures. If this is triggering to you in any way, I recommend skipping reading this!!!!!

As I have a vacation from work, my mum and sister decided to go on a little road trip as we do every year. Last year we went to Ida-Virumaa and Narva, this year we went to some islands. I thought I would blog about it, so it would be nice to look back to it. I will make a separate post about foods and eating and describing how I felt regarding it, but here I wanted to write a little about this trip. Maybe someone finds some good recommendations about what to do. :D A lot of my friends have been on islands or are going soon, Instagram stories are full of these posts. :D

Anyway, on Tuesday morning we went to port and firstly went to Muhu. Our first stop was ostrich farm, which I really recommend checking out. It had a lot of exotic animals, but ostriches were the coolest. :D Anyway, there were also zebras, kangaroos, emus, alpacas and some ponies and one rabbit.

When we were petting alpacas, there was a funny moment. Some people were there with a little dog and an alpaca really wanted to look at the dog. :D And I was posing all nicely, but covered his view. And then hi BIT MY SHOULDER. :D This was absurd and funny and startling, my mum even got a picture at the right moment. :D

Our next stop was at handmade ice cream shop where we tried a lot of different flavours. And then we went to Muhu adventure park!

At first we had thought that we will buy tickets for the whole park, but once we were there, we decided to go on only half the tracks. And it was a good decision, as it took us around 3 hours to complete them. I randomly saw a friend there, who also took some pictures. Nice to look back at them. Anyway, even to my own surprise, I had more strength and energy than I expeced and I completed the tracks quite fast. I think this is one of my favourite adventure parks where I have been. It wasn't too difficult and everything worked well. :D

After that we drove to Saaremaa and... I don't een remember, I think we went to the hotel and did a check in. Aaaah, before that we stopped at Kaali crater. It was a bit disappointing when I was there last summer, I kind of expected something... bigger. But it was just a little pond. :D But it was nice to see my sister's reaction who really liked it there.

After the stop at the hotel, we continued to Sõrve, to see a lighthouse there and walk to the end by the seaside. It was really windy, but it was also truly beautiful. I would totally go there again if I had a chance. One of my favourite places in Saaremaa, definitely.

Then we went back to Kuressaare and got ready to go and eat out. And after this we walked around for a little, just looked at houses and then finally went back to the hotel. We were awake for some time, just planned out the next day and talked. Then we went to sleep and the next day started.

There was a ferry we had to take to Hiiumaa at 13:30, but before that we wanted to visit the castle. It appeared that there was old information on their homepage and we couldn't go inside until 11. We decided to skip this and just looked around. But there was some time left so instead on the way to the port we stopped at windmill mountain where there were tons of windmills. This was quite fun.

I would have loved to see Panga bank, but we didn't have time for it. Another reason to go back...

Anyway, then we got on a ferry to Hiiumaa.

First stop was Kõpu lighthouse, which was really scary. :D It was super windy as well. :D But I really liked it. I like high places a lot. This is why I always take people to TV tower when they visit me in Tallinn.

Our next stop was wooden copy of Eiffel tower. It was... an experience. The tower was so flimsy that we were too scared to climb to the top. And around it, oh boy. It was a mess. So many things, so many little houses, so many things to fo. It kind of felt as if we had stepped into some surreal world. I can't even describe it, it made no sense. :D But at the same time it was cool, something really different.

After this surreal stop we went to see Tahkuna lighthouse, where there was also memorial for children who died in Estonia cruise ship accident. It was super sad, but really beautiful. This is how every memorial should be!

It was really windy, but it wasn't raining at least, as the forecast had said.

Our last stop in Hiiumaa was Kaibald's desert, which I really wanted to see. My friend told me about this, and I think it was totally worth it. We walked through a forest and then ended up in real desert! It was so different and weird and made no sense again. But really cool! I would have loved to walk around there for a little longer, but we didn't have much time left.

After these small stops we went to have some dinner and then it was time to get on a ferry back to mainland. At first we felt that there was not much to do on the islands, but we realised that we could have used one more day there. We went to main tourist attractions, but there were a lot of small places we missed. And we have been thinking that it would be nice to go again. :D

So this is very different post to my regular ones, but I wanted to write it down. At the same time I didn't want to talk much about eating, because oh boy, there will be a whole post about it. But for a second I wanted to mention how crookedly I see myself. This is fucked up.

At home and later looking at the picture I was like, ew, it is disgusting. At the same time when I don't see myself, I still feel like I am 75 kgs like I used to be on my heaviest days. My mind just doesn't connect my current look with what it actually is. I just... don't understand. So in some way it is good when I get my picture taken, but at the same time I don't even want to post these pictures. Because they are awful.

I thought for a long time if I should post the pictures, but I don't want to hide anythig and I want to remind to myself that I am on my way to recovery and one of the steps is gaining weight. I shouldn't feel stressed about it, because every kilo makes me prettier.

Now in Viljandi I haven't had a chance to weigh myself, but I will most definitely do it once I am back in Tallinn. My deal with the friend is coming to close and I hope I have managed to succeed. It would be so nice. We are going to meet with some friends on Saturday and we can talk about how we are doing really. Then we need to also make a new deadline to continue with the agreement.

Anyway, yeah, that's it for now.