Even though we had a lot of pastires at work last week, I still thought I want to do a pastry challenge. It is the one I have been mentioning a lot but still haven't started up until now. I finally thought it is time to do it now.

Monday

Today was super difficult. Firstly, I only have Rimi store near me and I have talked about this. Like for example I checked their homepage for the calories of this pecan nut - maple sirup pastry I got. And my heart skipped a beat and I feel sick. In general I am really full from previous days and feeling really weird.

The pastry itself was very good. It was a bit oily, but I am not sure if it actually was or I only imagined that it was. I hope I imagined it. Anyway, this has a lot of fears in one - maple sirup, pastry, nuts. Name a more iconic combo, I will wait?

anyway yes, this was really difficult. Really-really-really difficult. Probably one of the hardest challenges I have ever done. :D But at the same time I feel like I don't really want pastries as much as I thought I did. Last week we ate so many at work and I don't crave for them anymore. But at the same time maybe this challenge is good to assure myself. Of course here the "more calories" comes into play as well. I will try and get over it, but damn, it is tough. Especially currently. If my body felt normal and I didn't feel as uncomfortable, it would be a lot easier. Oh well. Four more days!

Also I still want to continue with having desserts and... I don't know, everything at the moment feels too much. :S I don't know what else to say.

Tuesday

I thought for a long time about what to have today. And then I decided that I don't want a pastry. Like, at all. So of course I can say I failed the challenge. But at the same time... I just don't want them. For real, last week helped me get over it. When I went to stores in the past, I ALWAYS stopped at the pastry section and thought that I want this or that. But now yesterday I went to the store with the goal to get pastries, but I just FORGOT. This is the sign I don't crave them anymore.

I still thought I should do some kind of a challenge every day, in order not to fall back to my previous ways. So, I bought some bread. Or like, this sandwich that had a lot of mayo, cheese and grilled veggies in it. This has a story. I have been to this store so many times and I always pick it up, check the calories and then put it back on the shelf. Today morning I decided that it is enough and I will finally have it. A small win, but I really needed this. It was difficult, yes. My weight is still up, it hasn't gone back down as I hoped. I guess it is good, but I can't help but to feel too full. I just want to feel better. Like I physically feel so freaking uncomfortable and I don't know what to do to feel better. I don't remember feeling as awful in Tartu at the hospital. :D Anyway, I hope I am feeling better tomorrow, it is about time. :S

Wednesday

With eating this sandwich yesterday I made a discovery. I have previously written that I will never be able to go back to having just three regular meals and not have any snacks. Because I thought I will always feel hungry, right? But yesterday I had this sandwich and... then it was snack time and I didn't even feel like having it? I just... wasn't hungry? And then I got this thought about if regular people feel like this all the time? That it is okay not to have a snack? Is this how it is supposed to be? That a snack is necessary only when you wan't something and it is not to curb your hunger? Amazing!

So today I did a tough thing and picked pasta salad for lunch. It is so weird that every day I think that now I will start restricting, but the time has never come. :D This is kind of freeing. I can't really explain it. I am also getting used to the feeling of not being hungry all the time. I like feeling comfortable instead. I don't feel like I crave this feeling of hunger anymore. I told my friend and sister about it and they really laughed at me. :D I was also very surprised. This was a positive discovery.

It is still difficult not to check calories and there have been occasions they have affected my decisions. But with some things I know that they have more calories than my regular snack, but I still have had them without checking the exact amount. This actually works. And I think this has become a liiiitttle bit easier. Small changes, but after a while looking back I can see how fa I have become. 

Tomorrow we have some catered food at work. We got invitations to a meeting and my boss said not to have lunch on the day. I dunno what it will be, but I will follow the rules. I hope I am ready for this kind of thing.

With being spontaneous - it was huge for me to have a meal at Cafe St. Maria on Sunday. And today going to work I had this idea of what I wanted. But there were none left at the store. So I needed to decide on the spot. And like... I actually managed? I didn't put the pasta salad back several times and I didn't overthink it.

I still don't feel like having pastries. I looked at what they had, but... nothing felt good enough, so I didn't take anything. And I know this is not because of fear, I just don't WANT pastries and it is fine!

Thursday

Yesterday's pasta salad kept my energy up so I almost forgot my snack. But I still had a sanck and I fel good after it. Anyway, yes, every day I learn something new about myself.

But today... kind of failed. We had this really awesome catered food, a lot of snacks, a huge chocolate cake. And I had everything and several plates worth of. And after it I felt really shitty. But on those moments I get this "now or never" feeling and I just eat so much, as if there is no tomorrow. I don't know how else to explain it. It is just a weird situation and I feel realllyyy sooo awful now. And I am thinking that I had enough food for whole day now and I shouldn't have anything at night, not to mention snack. And this causes a lot of negative feelings and I just... feel so shitty. Like literally. There are so many bad thoughts in my head. I don't know what I can't just face these situations more easily.It has been like this always, why haven't I learned something?! Argh.

Tomorrow I am working from home, because someone is coming by to look over the pipes. And I am going to see my doctor as well. Should be an interesting day. At least it is Friday and on Sunday I am getting my flat keys. I am trying to focus on that instead. But I am still feeling awful. I am disappointed, angry with myself and in general feeling blergh. I want to go to yoga as well, but due to corona rules they only allow 9 people in one class and I missed registering. I want to run. I want to do something. I just... I don't know, today is not a good day. I want to go to sleep already and I want it to be tomorrow already so I could start fresh and do everything "right"...

Friday

Yesterday the whole day I felt extremely guilty, but at the same time I had things to do and this somehow helped. Today morning my weight had gone up again, but I knew it would so it didn't come as a huge shock. I can manage it.

My obsession is currently porridge with gingerbread seasoning. :D Like for real, I have had the EXACT same combo for two weeks at least and I still crave it. Sometimes I am thinking that uh, maybe I should have something else, but then I am like, if I crave for something, why shouldn't I have it? I guess there will be time when I want something else as well. Besides, soon I am moving and I can do my breakfast challenge.

Anyway, this pastry challenge was a fail. Or was it?