A sketch a day

5:32:00 AM

55829697_2146534035438610_8808513376138297344_n

At one point art therapy was too little, so I started to make some sketches on my own. This portrays the thing where I am doing my tea challenge, and it is one of my favourite pictures. I also recognize myself on this picture, as I felt like drained and used teabag a lot of the time.

56435275_266156757669958_2570027070360911872_n

I wouldn't maybe say I cried all the time in my mind; I would rather say that my thoughts were cloudy and dark.

56450538_274498640150352_8498962670660091904_n

This is how I felt most of the time. Later it came to my attention that my blood had too little iron, which causes shortness of breath, which I had. So depression + lack of iron = panic. I think others may recognize themselves here as well, for example one of the caretakers who always seemed super positive, said she saw herself on the picture.

56398261_303370380615965_1415244268661899264_n

I feel like I now slept to make up for all these nights I only got a few hours. And I still felt tired a lot. But for depression, sleep is just as necessary as cup of sweet tea or some lighter sedative. I still find it difficult to draw faces, I wish I was better.... I know I used to be better at it, but at the moment I don't have enough patience for it as well.

56749087_346095206033389_5089506876773629952_n

Also another just a daily picture. I think that as much as I slept I also cried. Especially at nights. And it was not a rare occasion where my roommate tried to calm me down, because I was straight up hysterical. Rain-focused drawings were very "in", and I think the one on the right shows well how depression also brings worrying and paranoia etc. And then you feel that instead of protecting yourself, you are generating worries.

55945080_367247607456665_8134734622027153408_n

Head in clouds. I feel like this was somewhat a better day. Listen to your heart as you listen to music. Catching the stars and living with your head in clouds. I wish these days were more regular visitors. I don't know if I actually was in better mood, but maybe... Somewhy I love the clouds picture. Clouds are there, but it is not raining yet.

55857768_442239593187097_610076726889807872_n

For this I dunno what to say. Maybe "I tried to use only lines and I cannot draw hands" or "I felt trapped and only pulling my hair helped, and it was weird. It felt like there was white nothingness around me and nothing helps me to feel things thank this - t least there is physical pain and you know you exist." Take it or leave it.

55865045_475558179647754_2073767599585361920_n

I wanna be cool and deap person and say that this picture shows eating disorder well. I didn't actually think that I am affected by media, but to think about it... TV and magazines are FULL of diets. After christmas - diet. New year - diet. Summer is comind - diet. Diet, DIEt, DIET. But okay, It is just a sketch.

56275934_525400727866028_4356250324625784832_n

This picture does not even have a story. I just were sketching some plants in order to figure out new look for my bullet journal and also wanted to draw something related to tea (because the first tea picture is my favourite), but I wasn't really into drawing people. So there is this weird... table there :'D.

56442029_572676486566761_2305605248414121984_n

My stomach was always so full I wanted to explode. And I started to think how I was told (when I was small) by my parents that if you swallow watermelon seeds, there will be a watermelon growing inside your belly.

56466352_807571172945905_21881389494304768_n

Stripes and friends, sketch-me and sketch-friend. I dunno, it just felt like a cool style to try. My journal, where I just wrote rants down and drew in also got this picture, because I really liked it. You don't always have to have some big and important topic for drawings.

With music, I got this weird sense that I couldn't "just" enjoy it. I was really stuck in writing reviews and always started to analyse stuff. But you can listen to music just for listening. So you can draw just for the act of drawing, too.

55959638_829831667349654_6399168634412859392_n

If anyone would like to know how I felt at the hospital around 99% of the time. Here you go: portrait of Signe.

56196644_1863632837076740_805972526017544192_n

Sometimes I wish I could silence my mind. Sometimes I wish I could silence myself in order not to complain or rant at others. Sometimes I wish I could manage my emotions, I wish the outside world was quiet.

55922052_2000480373411735_3839367335722876928_n

Cats were in and one of the caretakers was complaining at the lack of colourful pictures (the same who got the hospitalized cloud picture). I made something colourful, then. For Motu!

56157790_2192265464160825_8375471142445514752_n

I made picture of Van Gogh in art therapy (next post about art will be art therapy one) and as my second huge favourite is Gustav Klimt, I wanted to make his Tree of Life, in some way. It is literally a silly sketch, I don't even know why I decided to add it here. Maybe to show how not always stuff works out? Maybe.

55961964_2204021629704775_2465149427896025088_n

Example of me when the doctor or psychologist or nurse asked, how I am feeling. I did not know. I don't even know now. This is the most difficult thing you can ask from someone suffering from depression. I don't want to immediately complain, it would be polite to say "fine", but at the same time you are at the hospital, where you HAVE to say what is baf. So all of this is one huge confusing I don't know.

56494408_2319189534817546_2964782578302713856_n

I still cannot draw any faces, but... Anyway, I guess this just shows an emotion I had, where it was a bit difficult to cope with stuff. Again.

56196620_2367253886632008_4659200683277287424_n

Okay, so here is a face. But it is not regular. I had some thing with different coloured parts like this, so... For example the previous cat picture was similarly made. Now, to think about it, one could say that every colour is different feeling and the stripes are a way to try and fit them inside the boundaries, but it did not work out. It is what it is, it is something.

56457809_2558520317554999_3071856954805583872_n

This is a real "work of art", with an actual thought but into it. Mulgi area of Estonia was looking for logo, so I took a wolf-like creature and bridge motives. After making this I read the terms and conditions and you were supposed to make the thing in photoshop and make example documents and all that. Impossible for me, as I have no computer art skill. But I liked having a topic.

55759889_2599261820143812_8381647734913892352_n

Again this emptiness that is and does not leave and just goes through me and which you can't see but what you would like to show. It is difficult to show that I am ill, when I don't have anything to physically show. I wish... somehow... Maybe write it onto my forehead? Or make a shirt? I bet Awstuffi has a good idea for it.

55865160_2212121842214557_5188942228738801664_n

And the first sketch I made at home!

So... until next time then, I guess?

You Might Also Like

0 comments

Subscribe