Red period - my art at the mental ward

12:16:00 AM

Something that really helped me was drawing and art. It became a huge part of my days, even though I am not super good at it and these pictures are made rushed and without much thought. It helped me to pass the time.

I got a set of small papers from art therapist, pencil, eraser and pencil sharpner. I myself had colourful pens and I decided to use the red - I created red period in my own art.

Meaning (almost) on every picture there is something red: the ones withput have a different story to them. So okay, let me tell you about these pictures.

I would like to get some feedback as well, but it seems that no one is interested in commenting and to be honest I am not surprised. It is a weird topic and even getting anyone to read it, surprises me.

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This is my favourite picture, because this shows exactly how I felt at the hospital in the beginning. A big shadow, some presence. It was my eating disorder, not depression I think. The thing is that my body is so malnourished and does not have enough strength to function and ged rid of depression. My body's BMI is too low. I weighted 43 kg when I got to the hospital (I am 170 cm tall), so the BMI was 14,84. Anorexics are considered people from 17,5, which would mean I have to have body mass of 50 kg. Only then psychotherapy would help me. That is also why they didn't start with ECT right away. I needed to live a little better. Yep, they even considered sending me to intensive care unit.

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Here I think I wanted to show how a number has completely taken over my life. Because even right now I do not want to change. It is like measuring tape around my head and I can't get rid o it. Or... I don't want to get rid of it? I have, by now, lived like this for years and I don't have any strength to get rid of it. To fight with myself.

Oh yeah it would be so nice to eat like a whole 100g chocolate per day. Be happy for every extra bite. Drink nutri-drinks. I think I could do it. Not care. But I am scared. I am scared of the change, because I only know myself as I am right now. This post does not make any sense any more, but I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind now.

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The story behind this picture is eather pretty. It shows how I want to help others. I wanted to help others whe whole time I was at the hospital. I wanted to make others feel better. I felt stronger when someone else was sadder. I was a shoulder to cry on. I was watering pot, when someone needed strength to bloom.

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This shows accidentally what I was (am?). At the hospital I was often given an extra apple or banana, thus the picture was born after lunch one day.

In Norwegian, the apple’s core is called “epleskrott”. “Skrott” also translates “carcass”, but Norwegians usually uses the term for a body that is still alive but very tired from exceeding strains and hardships that should be utterly destroying the human body and mind and soul - one friendly soul wrote this to me on Twitter as a response.

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I wanted to make something colourful for a change, but at the same time to express that I was lost. Still am though.

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Sleep helped me feel better. Finally, for the first time in a year I managed to rest fully. Sleep was my cure. My rest.

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My mum said that my eating disorder is like a demon on my shoulder. I translated it into picture like this. She was happy over it. Me too, to be honest.

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I felt as if I was the most wasteful person. I wasted space, overall. The second day at the hospital... I kept crying. I felt like everyone else had it worse, they suffered more, they were in worse situation and I thought I did not belong there.

I have to say that all the people I cried for, meant very much to me at the end. I am glad we are already planning some meetups. Finally we can share our hardships between us, because we know what we have gone through.

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Oh how I wish I could just put my brain into washing machine, wash out the stupid ideas and keep living. Oh how I wish.

Anyway, here are some pictures from after the red period:

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These gentleman with cat-hair and dog-hair found their way to my doctor's wall, as she said she collects stuff like this when she was visiting me in my room and spotted the picture on the window.

After this it was easy to give one more thing away:

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This travelled home with one of the guardians who always looked through my pictures when she was checking the rooms. She always gave me reviews, honest reviews. As an exchange, she brought me a small statue of an angel that is now taking care of me. :)

I will write about works I made in art therapy as well as some other pictures that were reviewed by the mentioned guardian. If anyone is interested.

It is actually easier and nicer to write stuff down between the pictures. Even when my writing and picture do not have any connection. Somehow they are mine and show my feelings better than words. Somehow they are enqually important as stuff that I write down. And they remind me of people, situations, feelings.

Anyway, talk to you soon. Maybe I will post more pictures, maybe not. Maybe I will write about my eating disorder behaviours and triggers. Maybe I don't.

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