To step on a scale or not

12:37:00 AM

I am obsessed with weighing myself. For a long time, my mood has depended on it. Also my breakfast has depended on it (for example if I let myself add some peanut putter to my morning porridge, or is full banana okay - maybe only half is allowed). And it is still like this; so I don't know - should I step on the scale or not then?!

At the hospital they tried to weigh me so I wouldn't see (I usually still managed to peek) and it was more difficult but also easier. When I didn't see. I still wondered what the number was, but at the same time it did not make me happy or sad - I wasn't dependent on the number any longer.

I saw my doctor on Thursday. He was not at all happy with me and said he will check when eating disorder facility in another town, Tartu, has a free spot. Because he feels that I cannot handle it by myself. I also feel like this, to be completely honest. All food related stuff has gotten a lot worse since I got back from the hospital.

But at the same time I am going to change my job, so I cannot just give away a few weeks of my life. Again. This is literally once in a lifetime opportunity and I look forward to it. I told my doctor to please, please give me one more chance, one more week to change my weight 180 degrees and make it rise at least a bit. Until now it has not happened. I will see him again this week, so maybe I will figure some stuff out then. They cannot force me to go to hospital, but he says that is is already an "existential question", meaning  "come on, Signe, your life is on the line".

This brings me to scale. To weigh myself or not? For the first time for a couple of days I have been thinking that maybe I shouldn't. But the time is passing fast (seeing my doctor again soon), and this sort of makes it necessary. Because if I don't, I automatically assume I eat too much and then keep eating less and less....

My psychologist at the hospital advised 2 times per week, for example on Monday and Thursday. Which made sense. But at the same time I am still too nervous and cannot handle this.

I want to run already. So much. Tried to tell my sister to let me, because I said that then I will of course eat more, but she did not agree. I guess I understand it myself that... It can't really go like this. Because I need to eat MORE already now, if I spend even more energy, I need to eat even more and it would be difficult. But I would mentally feel better. If I could move. I know I would have more apetite. I would be ok with gaining weight then.

And now I don't understand if this is my own idea or this is my eating disorder that tries to talk. Argh. I wish I had a psychologist already, but at  the moment they are not setting this up for me, because as I weight so little, it makes no sense. My brain has no energy to heal me from depression.

If anyone can, would you read how many times I have used the words "scale" and "weight" in this post? They don't even seem normal words anymore.

Unknowing something kills me. And this post is pointless. I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts. For some reason I haven't found much information about eating disorders in Estonian. I did read one book at the hospital, but it was translated from Finnish.

Well, there is this one Estonian book where a girl writes about her experience at Tartu eating disorder treatment facility, which I also read already. But other than that there seems to be nothing.

I am annoyed.

Actually I am mos annoyed at myself.

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Well, I dunno. What to do?

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