My eating disorder Q and A

12:15:00 PM

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Pizza that I do not remember. I just have the picture.

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One day at the hospital I just wanted my parents to visit. The next day they did come. We went to have some Indian food with them and my sister (memories about it are foggy).

As there seemed to be much interest in ED topic, I looked up some questions to maybe explain this illness better in my own way. The following questions have been collected from a variety of actual therapy sessions, so it should be interesting. I haven't read them through and I suppose this stuff makes no sense. Also, if you happen to have further questions, please do not hesitate to ask.
  • What have you lost to anorexia/bulimia that most saddens you? - I haven't tried new foods, new restaurants; I haven't taken "all" from hanging out with friends, because ED thoughts are so strong and make me worry. I have missed out on my own life, missed making memories.
  • Do you think it is fair that anorexic/bulimic lifestyles make people so lonely, friendless and isolated? - If course it is not fair, but yes, I agree it makes people lonely, friendless and isolated. I can barely handle my own company, not to mention having people deal with me - this worries me daily.
  • In what ways has anorexia/bulimia affected your relationship with yourself by telling yourself that you are not worthy? - The thing is that I feel like I am on control when I lose weight. I feel like "ha, see that? I am so strong, I did that, I dropped some more weight". And failing in doing so I feel bad and not worthy. This is seriously fucked up?!
  • Who in your life have you lost because anorexic/bulimic rules demand so much of your time? Do you think this is fair? - I wouldn't say I have permanently lost someone. Well, maybe one of my best friends, but her goodbye to me dealt with other stuff as well, for example me being too depressed. Also, according to her, we "grew apart" so she didn't put it on my ED, though considering the last time we saw each other, it may have played a part.
  • If anorexia/bulimia is your “friend” then why does it talk so badly about you? - It is not a friend, it is... as weird as it sounds, kind of like a hobby?
  • Would a good friend do this to you? - I feel like.... okay, this is going to sound super weird, but like she is taking care of me, saying "but if you lose some weight or donõt eat, later you can have all the cake, ALL the candy, so that is worth it, right?" The thing is, this "later" never comes.
  • How is it that anorexia/bulimia tricks people with promises of safety while it silently takes them away from everyone who loves and supports them? - It is literally the aspect of control. You think you are in control and having control is powerful feeling. Actually it is the other way around - you are being controlled.
  • At which time of the day are you most anorexic/bulimic free? - In the evening. You restrict all day (even though in my case I do eat three times a day) or do not eat that much, so in the evening you are finally "allowed" food.
  • How were you able to find this freedom? - By restricting throughout the day. Or working out, or even just walking. Having super low calorie meals.
  • When you string together your victorious moments away from anorexia/bulimia, what effect does it have on the anorexia/bulimia? - It gets stronger. Leaving hospital has made my ED so much more worse, as I did gain a little weight. I feel bad, as if ED is a parent and I am a kid that did something wrong.
  • What rules of anorexia/bulimia did you eventually have to break in order get your life back? - Eat more. Eat proper meals. Not freak out about eating out. Enjoying life. Saying yes when someone offers you something.
Unfortunately I didn't find too many questions (or perhaps this is a good thing), but this gives a small overview of my situation.

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1 comments

  1. I am here with you, and wait for the day when you beat this and it doesn't beat you.

    ReplyDelete

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