How I feel when I am eating

11:58:00 PM

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Home-made amazing pancakes aka massive guilt.

Haiglatoit

Hospital food. And at  this moment, it was the best thing I ever had. Just simplt because I had a "permission" to eat it.

How I feel when I am eating?

Good, because food is delicious and I like it?

Good, because I am a rather good cook?

Normal, it is just a simple part of life?

Normal, I don't really think about it?

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Eating for me is almost sacred experience. It is as if I was afraid of food. It feels as if I have to justify every bite, both to myself and others. It is as if I do not have a permission to eat. There is so much guilt that comes with eating and it is torturing me. Torturing so much.

Lets just say you have agreet to go to a cinema with your friend, and then later just out to a bar. You haven't seen each other in a while and this plan has been brewing for some time already. And finally it is that day! Then something happens at home. Your washing machine breaks and floods the flat. You have a really good reason why you can't go out that day. Or... well, lets say you get a stomack bug and spend your day hugging the toilet bowl. You can't move an inch from your position.

Now imagine what you are feeling when your friend says, trying not to sound too disappointed, that it is okay and there is nothing you can do, it is just life. You can meet another time. It is fine.

But is it? Guilt is brewing. You find yourself thinking why now, why this time. Why not a week later? May the stomach bug come worse, but not right now! Let the wasking machine literally blow up! You feel guilty.

This is how I feel every single time I put something in my mouth. Breakfast porridge? I eat it LITTERALLY every day, but god forbid there is a spoonful of it more than normally - guilt appears! Soup for lunch AND yoghurt? Guilt. Oi oi, is the yoghurt necessary? All of the store brang yoghurts have so much sugar in them. And all the sweeteners are bad as well. I think I should do a sugar detox. OH and someone brought candy to work? One candy? It means at least 10 minutes of walking fast. Did you know that one candy has around 50 freaking calories?

For dinner you add some mayo or ketchup? Are you mad? Guilt. It is so unhealthy. Instead you could have couple of more grapes later.

Guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. Just guilt.

Today I had a bag of BelVita cookies. 4 cookies. Were they tasty? Heck yes. I also had coffee with coconut milk with them - amazing. But did I see them like this, were they just cookies? No. 56 calories per one. 224 in whole 4. I ate all four. It means at least 12k steps, if you walk slowly. Around 10k if faster. And even then it won't really be -224 calories. Guilt.

I wish I got rido of it somehow, but instead I am here, writing it down. Sometimes writing like this helps. Writing without much thought. But the worst part? The sickest, weirdest, freakiest part? I understand how sick, weird and freaky it is. Abnormal. Food is food. Energy is energy. These cookies won't kill me. I could enjoy them, especially now when I need to gain weight.

But no. I am drowning in this guilt and cannot get rid of it. Maybe tomorrow it will be better and I will make more sense of everything. But here it is, just some thoughts of anorexic.

Please don't want or get anorexia. It is not nice.

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