About braces

To change up the Japan content, I decided to write about eating, which has become very difficult recently again. Manily because I got braces for my lower teeth now.

Also they put a "filling" on one of my back tooth, which means there is only one spot in my mouth that I can chew with. Which means, as my dentist also said, I need to live on pureed soups, mashed potatoes and so on.

And eating is difficult as it is. This is not ideal.

I understand that you can get enough calories from soft foods, but I never feel satisfied enough. Also eating is in focus a lot and I feel like I need to get an... experience from every meal. But right now I am only eating to live, I don't really even taste food. It is sad, makes me upset and irritates me a lot and I don't know how to deal with it.

Also the braces have broken my mouth from the inside, I have several sore spots and it hurts. I thought I would bring out these non glamourous sides of getting nice teeth... and I understand that it was me who wanted it and in the end it is worth it, but at the moment I am cursing myself that I have done it now. I just... feel awful. I feel so uncomfortable.



Braces.

About eating and every day life

This weekend my mum came to Tallinn, which also brought eating out, snacking and having some wine. This made me super upset. I had a major breakdown, with crying and yelling and "why am I like this" emotions. It is so tough.

On the second evening (my mum stayed for 2 nights) her and my sister wanted to have some wine again, and snack on something not so healthy. And I went mad. And then I tried to think that in a few years I don't remember the wine I skipped, I remember the good time I had with them. And this helped a bit (I also went for a walk, walkign really calms me down), but on the next day, guilt was back and even stronger than after the first night, which I had counted for.

So... I haven't made as much progress as I hoped. These situations are still as hard as they used to be and sometimes feel even harder. Every moment that ruins my perfect day, initiate a lot of guilt and need to restrict food. For example we went to have coffee with mum on Sunday and I felt guilty over taking cappuccino - there is more milk than when I would have had just coffee with milk. I am tired of existing like this.

At the same time maybe this weekend was a... wake up call. As Japan was. It showed me that the situation is critical (my own crisis in addition to Corona) and I need to deal with it seriously. I can't afford thinking that oh this day was okay and wowow I am well. The reality is different. There may be several good days, several good weeks. And then there is one day that sucks and it ruins EVERYTHING and it ruins all progress.

Now it is new week and new beginning and despite the weekend I will try and have all the foods and snacks properly. I am playing with the idea of writing my menu down here - maybe it would help to keep me accountable, but I am not sure. Also I have thought of writing down all the calories that I consume in a day, but I am not sure it is a good idea. It may 1) make me more upset or 2) show me, maybe I am not eating enough. There are a lot of thoughts but not enough answers.

So maybe it is good that the country is in a lockdown and I need to work from home for two weeks again. My sister has to do the same and she can keep an eye on me - so that I would eat properly. Especially because due to the lockdown there is less moving around and so on.



We went to have some food at Georgian restaurant, I had eggplant stew. I will try and make the same thing at home today, as it is soft enough for me to eat. At the same time, this plant based stew was difficult to eat for me - I could see how much oil it had. It is tough to live like this. Eating out is a nightmare for me. Ugh. I don't know what to do with myself, it honestly kind of feels funny already.

I also thought I will write about things I got from Japan, but for this I need to take some photos. I guess we shall see.