We also have those. People have their own worries and joy and they deal with them as well as they can. Some people have more troubles, some less. Just a few days ago I wrote down physical troubles connected to anorexia, now I wanted to write about mental troubles as well.

I want to highlight that I am seeing change in those already, and the ones in my list are the ones that I have personally dealt with. It is logical that no one lives the same life as I do, so maybe some other people don't have similar troubles. Maybe something is the same, but not all of it.

1. Depression

I have taken antidepressants since I finished high school, at first my family doctor prescribed them and then later my psychiatrist. I hope to get rid of the meds in the future, but at the moment I am really depending on them.

Also dealing with depression is connected to anorexia. All psychologists who I have seen have said that we cannot deal with the mental troubles before my weight has gone up, because my brain just doesn't have enough energy to deal wirh it. I understand that, because at the periods where I have been higher weight, there are kind of more room in my head to think. So I guess the doctors actually know what they are talking about. :D

2. Thinking is slow

I myself wouldn't have noticed it, but others have brought that out. For example my fried said that I always seem to repeat myself, as if I don't pay attention to what I have been saying. And I forget things people tell me.

Since this I have thought a bit over it and came to a realisation that this is true, my thinking is slow and it is difficult to think in general. For example I miss the point in meetings at work and also it is difficult to solve sudokus, even though I was really good at it.

This is again connected to the fact that all of the energy in my body is being used to keeping me alive and there is no energy left for thinking. And yeah, after having food or a snack thinking seems to go better.

3. Constantly thinking about food

In some aspects it is not all bad. Yes, I have been thinking that I live from one meal to other, after breakfast I start to think of lunch and so on. But I also check out a lot of recipes and read food related articles.

It is not that bad though, because I have found so many new things to cook and try. But I think overall I think about food too much and I have noticed that when I am comfortably full, I feel better and don't think about it as much. I especially noticed it in Japan - I didn't think of food and I had more space in my head for other things. I could focus better and do stuff that I actually enjoyed.

But I still believe this is not all bad. I like cookind and I think it is relaxing and also one quality trait!

4. I am easily irritated

Or generally feeling really moody. It is literally being "hangry" - angry and hungry at the same time.

I know that I may snap at people, like my sister. Why is the flat so messy, why hasn't she done the dishes and so on. But when I have had some food, I can think logically and say these things calmly and better.

5. Mu mood depends on my weight

This is absurd. But it is stille a factor. Whenever my weight has gone up - even if by 100 grams - my mood is awful. When it goes down or remains the same, I am fine.

For example today I gained 400 grams compared to yesterday and my first thought was that now I have to restrict my eating, even though I already planned everything... but no, I am not going to do that. I decided to stick with the plan today and face these stupid thoughts. We shall see what happens. Probably NOTHING will happen. Food is just food and I need to gain weight so this is a good thing!

If my weight also goes up tomorrow, I will still feel shit, but it is necessary. As I mentioned before, now this is easier to deal with. At the hospital I would have thought about it for the rest of the day, but now I am just thinking about it for a little while and then probably forget it. For real, I usually forget my weight during the day. :D

6. Compulsive moving

I don't know if it should go here or is it a physical trouble. But it is trouble nevertheless. I am addicted to moving around. I can't just sit down and do nothing. And I don't know if this is my eating disorder, depression or something else.

Walking is like a meditation for me, it helps me calm down when things are rough and it leaves me some room to think. But at the same time I know that on some days I go out just because I need to move and burn calories.

At the hospital this was one of the most difficult things to deal with - I was not allowed to go outside, or if I was, I had to be in a wheelchair. It was difficult to get used to this routine for TWO MONTHS. I was not allowed to move at all.

I am really looking forward to being able to run again... and for running itself, not for burning calories. I know this time will come. Sooner or later it will.



I met our local cat when walking around. He has a collar and his name is apparently Cookie.

I don't know if I left some things unmentioned, I bet I will remember when I have already posted. :D We shall see. If I forgot something, I can always make a new post.