I Won't Quote

I wondered what kind of challenge I would like to do and then decided I am a snacker. I prefer snacks to regular meals, maybe it is still because I don't like feeling too full. So it seemed like a nice idea to snack the whole day and see if I get hull, how my energy is and all that. Also lately I have discovered that even though I have a lot of snacks at home, I still have the same safe things all the time.

Preparing for today, I wrote down and calculated the calories. Mainly to be sure I eat enough - more in than out. Because with snacking, it is easy to overeat or restrict just in case. And I also didn't want to pick only unhealthy stuff, like potato chips. I tried to find balance.

Morning

I wanted to almost write "breakfast", but it would be wrong. :D Instead I will just try and make the day into morning, afternoon and evening.

Anyway, I started my Monday with a nicccceeee chocolate donut. I have been thinking about it a lot and I have walked past it so many times, I have been too scared of having it. But on one evening me and my sister had a cake and donut and it was so good, so I really needed to try this finally.

And it was really good. I put it in the microwave for 30 seconds as well, to make the chocolate go all melty and nice.

With it, I had a big apple, which was a bit too sour for me, but it was a good change. I had some coffee on the side and I got quite full, even though I expected to be still starving. But nope. I guess the apple did help. :D

At around 11 I had this chocolate with rice crispies, because I wanted something with coffee and I had this laying round. At the same time it wasn't very good, but I only noticed later that it was sugar free, so this was probably the reason. I don't like sugar free sweets, they have a weird aftertaste. But well, it was still something.

Other than that I really like rice crisp chocolates, there is this one I really loved and it is huge and can be found here. I hoped this small one would be just as nice, but it wasn't. But no biggie.

Up until now my day has not been very healthy... :D But I promise that dinner will kind of make up for it.

Afternoon

I have been wanthing to try this cereal for a while now, I have picked it up several times but always put it back. Cereal is never breakfast for me, because it doesn't make me feel fuöö at all. Also the portion size that is recommended is THIRTY GRAMS. Does anyone actually eat so little?! It is barely a few crisps. :D I took like three times the amount to get something at least, hehe. 

And they were very nice. I tried them with milk and also plain, but I liked them both ways. Even though if I am completely honest, I like normal Ciniminis more. Anyway thanks to having a proper amount I got quite full.

After a sweet snack I needed to have something more sweet. I decided to try this new kiwi-booseberry pudding with chia seeds. It was quite nice, got a taste of kiwi, but it had a pieces of this milky product, as if it wasn't properly mixed together. Hahaa. :D I wouldn't get it again, but I would still like to try the vanilla version of it. I had some more coffee and also some tea, which I haven't had in a while. The closer it gets to summer, the less tea I drink. Coffee is just my regular drink of choice, and whenever I want something warm to drink, I just make this. :D

Evening

This was the idea behind my challenge, as I have sometimes made this snack plate for myself after dinner, and had veggies with dip or huumus. At the moment I am so done with hummus, as I had it every other day and then last week I had an event where I ate a lot of hummus. :D So now I craved some dip.

Before "dinner" I also had some plums that at really nice currently. Sweet and soft and nice and would probably fir well into a cake. :D I haven't baked something in a while, should do it again... like I haven't made bread in a long time, but I don't really have bread often, so it would be pointless to make it. Also I still have some arguments with my gas oven, so yeah. :D

So my snack plate was cherry tomatoes, cucumber and bell pepper. :D Don't need anything else. Sometimes I have a bit of cheese or something, but this is what it mostly consists of. And today's dip was some Estonian style dip with pickles and garlic, which was nice, but I actually like tzadziki one more. Or cheese and garlic dip.

Anyway after this I was really very full, because vegetables really do fill you up, as they take up a lot of space in your stomack. But I still wanted to try this barberry candy flavoured ice cream cone, because I used to LOVE barberry candies and I love barberry tea from Greenfield. And I wasn't disappointed, it did taste like childhood. Could have been bigger though, heheh.

I am not a fan of ice creams in cones, because the waffle is never crunchy enough, but it was still good. :D This company has a lot of new flavours that have just come out and I would really like to try them all.

In general today was nice, but to be honest, I missed normal meals. And during the period between afternoon and evening I was super tired and sleepy, I could have easily slept a few hours. I don't know if it is because of it, because I feel kinda weird in general. Snacks are nice, but they are nice when you are having them as snacks, not snacking the whole day. :D So I will gladly get back to my regular rhytm and eat three times a day + have snacks, this is the best for me.

But I am still glad I did this challenge, because I have been wanting to do this for a LONG time. Just to take a day and snack as much as I want to, I really didn't hold back. Which is also nice is that I get to have cereal as lunch for several days in a row, as I am doing home office, haha. :D 

Aah, this month I have tried so little vegan things. I have been stuck into buying same stuff all over again.... I guess maybe I should just write about new products I have tried? :D I don't know if it would be interesting. I really like reading/watching videos about new vegan stuff, so I don't know. :D Or maybe I should review snacks and sweets again? :D If you have any ideas, let me know. Until then I will keep up with reviewing vegan stuff.

I finally got my hands on new vegan magazine in Estonia, where they talk about eating disorders and veganism. Three people shared their stories and it was really interesting read. In general this article was very well written and higlighted that being a vegan is not only diet, it is ethical point of view, with what I agree.

I really liked the part where it said that in research done with veganism and eating disorders, they found that vegans and non-vegans are not different and if they do, then vegans are a bit healthier. In evaluating pathological actions vegans got lower scores, meaning that there are no more eating disorder sufferers who are vegands. (I am too lazy to write down the sources of the fact, but you can probably Google it as well).

I am mostly vegetarian, I think the correct term is pescetarian, because I do eat seafood. But yeah, I remember clearly when I was in Tartu at the hospital and every single person, doctor, nurse, psychologist etc wanted me to have meat. They tried to make a compromise and tell me to at least eat chicken, but I remember that I always ended up crying and said that I will discharge myself if they made me eat meat. In the end they let me have a vegetarian diet. But they still kept mentioning it every time they saw me. They said that I can't eat enough calories if I don't eat meat. But I could. I have always eaten, and still do, very volumous food. The food used to be very low calorie. I used oil free sauces, low calorie mayo, made porridge with water and so on. Now I have changed it up, I have added more fat to my meals, for example I add nuts and seeds to my porridge which I make with proper milk now. I also fry things in oil, adding butter to my bread is no problem and I often have avocados. I am still a fan of yoghurts and cottage cheese.

A choice about not eating meat, I did long before I got sick. And I haven't had any since. And as everything shows - I am gaining weight, my health is in check, so you can life meat-free very well. I think it is wrong to make people eat meat if they don't want to. It is a choice everyone should be able to make themselves. Also with this forcing thing, meal time can become realle stressful, especially in people with eating disorders. You will be scared of food etc. I think if I started eating meat at the hospital, I would have become to hate food a lot more and I would have become a lot more scared than I was. I wouldn't be able to think about food in a positive light and it would have made me really anxious as well.

Yes, there are people who use veganism as a cover up, a way not to eat something, eat less, restrict, give up food during events etc. I am not saying there aren't! But at the same time if you are keto or paleo or something, it is possible that you also restrict. Or if you are gluten free, dairy free etc, especially if you don't really have a medical condition. So saying veganism = eating disorder... this is wrong. There are a lot of people who have found food freadom and healed thanks to veganism. :)

Yes, in general your portions are bigger, you need to take some vitamins and follow nutrition recommendations, but I don't think it is right to say that veganism causes eating disorders. Veganism is more than just a diet. Some people find it difficult to understand.

Of course you should think about something called orthorexia, which brings super healthy eating and I feel like a lot of vegans are going down this road. But there are more orthorexics, for example people who always have plain chicken, rice and broccoli or something. Or an omelette made with egg whites only (I have tried it, it is disgusting). So yeah, you can't place = between these things.

I got really upset while watching this post, I didn't even know I have so much passion in me, haha :D. But yeah, I really relate to this topic.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist and psychologist, then the doctor started asking me if I am ALREADY eating meat and why not. Even though he sees my weight is going up, I look better and feel better.

At the same time meeting my psychologist it was really nice - I saw her for the first time and she admitted that she also doesn't eat meat. I felt so relieved and it was super nice - finalyl a person who will help me to deal with the problems, instead of convincing me to eat meat half of the time.

I am not saying I won't eat meat for the rest of my life. It could easily happen. Tomorrow. In ten or twenty years. I don't want to say that. But currently I don't see my way changing - I just don't feel like eating meat. When I walk past meat products in the stores and see chicken salad for ecample, it could easily say "salad with plastic pieces and mayo", because chicken just feels so wrong, like something that doesn't go into food.

I have also started making a lot more food myself thanks to giving up meat. I have made so many patties, stews, salads, soups and more. I really love it. It is relaxing and nice and interesting and it is especially awesome if I get to prepare food for someone else. And I don't feel like eating out is a problem any longer. Or ordering in. It is balance, it is normality, it is something I have been wanting to achieve for so long and now I am finally there.

I get really excited when I see a new vegan product in the market, I am ready to travel through Tallinn for it. I love trying new things, testing, making stuff that I haven't before. It is so interesting. At the same time with my healing, I have finally been able to shift my focus from food. Okay, maybe I still think about eating more than a regular person, but I am finally able to focus on other things and I am not deaming of eating all the time.

And with vegetarian or vegan foods I have totally felt this freeing emotion. If there is a vegan place and I order food, I don't get these weird guilt feelings, I just enjoy it, eat it and be done with it. And I know it is neccessary for me and I really do love it. I don't get weirly bloated or anxious.

It is easy living as a vegan or vegetarian. You sometimes just need to be prepared, for example offer making somethińg for an event etc. It always works for me and my relatives and friends are mor happy to try out my stuff. So - vegan food is really good! :)

In the article they also told about how to recognize a person with an eating disorder. And what to do. I think I have written about it earlier, but I thought of adding some things that they didn't mention:

- the person will always ask what you have eaten, what time you ate, how much you ate; they don't want to eat if you are not eating, they take seconds only if you are, they skip dessert if someone else skips it as well

- they prefer eating at a certain time in a certain place, doing certain things; for example watching tv, being in the computer, on the phone etc; and they generally don't want people to talk while they are eating - the focus has to be on food

- they never eat something just passing by, like when coming home from the store: they don't open up a chocolate or eat an ice cream, they wait until they are at home, in their safe space

- they always move after eating, going for a walk or a workout, just move around at home

There are many more things, but yes. In the article they also said that these symptoms do not occurr always and I repeat - it doesn't make you less sick if you don't have these habits. This is just what I have felt like and what others with eating disorders have told me.

Anyway, now about all the vegan products I tried in April:

Granarolo metspähklijook (Granarolo hazelnut milk)

In theory I liked it more than I did actually, but it was fine. Coffee is too... sour and it makes the milk curd a little, but not too much. Having it plain was nice, so I think it would also be good with muesli or cereal. Not my favourite, but still okay. 6/10.

Laky kartulikotlet hapukapsaga (Laky potato patty with sauerkraut)

These have always been my favourites, but they are just in one store only. Once I got them from another place to try and it was love at first taste. These are the best potato cutlets and they are so well seasoned. If I had to pick a favourite, it would definitely be this. 9/10.

Marta Pagari bataadi-suvikõrvitsa kotletid (Marta Pagar sweet potato-zucchini cutlets)

These were also really good. Hadn't tried them before. I really wanted sweet potatoes, but I was also in the mood for zucchini so this was a perfect combo. Well seasoned and nice. It was really good with ketchup and mayo, even thought they didn't even really need a sauce. Juicy and soft, I loved them. 8,5/10.

Marianne kommid (Marianne candies)

These were in the Rohebox (vegan subscription box) and I got really addicted. Honestly, one of the best candies I have had. I in general like mint and chocolate together, but not when it is very strong. For example I am not a fan of After Eight at all. But these were really goof! Honestly, on one day I had the whole bag, because I couldn't stop myself. But other than that I have had a handful several times a day. 8/10, I am not a candy person in general, but these are just so good. :D I am surprised myself.

VegePlus Emmentali juust (VegePlus Emmental cheese)

Firstly I tried this on pasta and it was sooooo good. My sister also tasted it and said it tastes like regular cheese. Then she added that there is some other flavour as well, but she couldn't say what it was and she liked it. So this was a success. :D VegePlus doesn't melt AS good, but the taste makes up for it. Maybe I would have had to keep it in the oven a bit longer, but I don't know, it just isn't as "cheesy" in look. :D It is really soft and silky, even though it is in one piece. Anyway, one of my new favourite vegan cheeses. Chilli one is even better, but this is super nice as well! 9/10.

Soja hakk-kotlet (Soya cutlet)

I broke these up and added them to cabbage stew instead of mince and it was perfect. It really made my sister and dad confused. It is very versatily product, so I think we could make something nice out of it. I will definitely be trying more soya products in the future, I always rediscover how nice they are! 10/10-

Alpro šokolaadimaitseline sojajook (Alpso soya chocolate milk)

I have had it before, but I know I haven't reviewed it. Anyway, I got it because I wanted to make coffee with it, which I did. And it was so so good! I was studying and having chocolate coffee with my work was perfect. Also I was like, yeah I can make two coffies, but I just drank the rest as it was. :D I used to buy this for my best friend's kid when he was smaller and he really liked it. 9/10. It ended up with me buying the big carton of it, because it is just so so good. I don't even care how many calories it has.

Alpro šokolaadimaitseline kookosjook (Alpro coconut chocolate milk)

I am a fan of cocnut things, so it is no surprise I got this. At a certain point I was really obsessed with making cocoa out of it! But I think the soya one is even better. Which is surprising, as I don't like just plain soya milk. :D But yeah, added this to my coffee and always took some sips on the side as well. :D 8/10.

I thought about a lot of challenges to do... what would be an interesting read, what would be an actual challenge that I can stick to for 5 days. I had some ideas so I combined them all together.

At first I wanted to talk about moving and working out. Then I wanted to tell you about studying and reading. Then I wanted to mention listening to a radio or a podcast. I also wanted to do something in the kitchen. 

And then I thought about being a little productive every single day. Lately things have not been going too well and most of my time I just do nothing. To make the most of my time, I needed to make a change and DO something every single day.

I think I will try to and write down at least three things that I have done and would have usually skipped.

Sunday

Half of my fay I was kind of confused, because I couldn't figure out what I needed to do then. To be productive. In the end I came to some sort of realisation and started to put it into practice. All in all:

- I studied for 30-45 minutes

- I loved myself: went for a long walk and worked out for 15 minutes

- I cleaned and did some laundry. I still have some organizing to do at home, I need to take old furniture into the basement for example, because I have no idea about what to do with them pieces...

- I prepared some dinner that I haven't made before

- I read a book

I couldn't come up with more things at the moment, but I want to put emphasis on studying, which I haven't done in a while, and moving myself, which is also kind og meh. In the evening when I went to sleep, I felt really accomplished and it was nice.

Monday

I had so much motivation when I woke up in the morning. But at work I didn't feel like doing anything, but I looked through some stuff and planned things in advance. Though I could have done more - as always. But this weekend just went by so fast and I feel like I didn't get any rest at all. I will try and mark down as many things as I did yesterday. And do similar stuff.

Monday productivity list was as follows:

- I listend to an audiobook

- Translated a blog post into English finally

- Took an extra task at work

- Started a new law book I want to go through

- Did some exercises at home

- Made proper dinner (Japanese curry)

- Walked quite a bit after work while listening to an audiobook

Tuesday

Today morning I also felt motivated, but I almost missed my bus and couldn't listen to my audiobook in the morning. So I feel like I wasted this time I could have invested into it.

Otherways at work it has been a nice day, I have had several meetings already and I have been talking about things at work a lot. Also I have done quite a bit of work today. But yeah, I needed to get it done anyway. Also even during the moments I am taking a rest, my brain is still working on my cases, so I have some things almost solved, though I haven't written them out yet. It is good to be prepared though.

I would really love to go for a run today, but it is raining outside so it is not that inviting. I guess I will walk back home and listen to some music or my audiobook and do some exercises indoors. I found a workout video yesterday what I would like to try at home. I should clean at home also, especially because mum is coming over on the weekend, but I hope I will have some time to do it tomorrow or something. I sould go and check out my basement thingy. :D

- Participated two meetings

- Did this home workout

- Studied a little

- Listened to an audiobook

Wednesday

I feel like my productivity has gone down, I haven't done as much stuff as I would have liked. But I have made genuine effort and done things. So I guess at least I am more productive than I was last week.

- Had a meeting

- Studied for about half an hour

- Ran 3,5 km, which is the longest run I have done this year and I could have kept going, but it was quite late already and I didn't want to overtrain as we are going hiking tomorrow

- Cleaned at home, because my cat is shedding a loooot, I vacuumed everything at took the trash and empty bottles out.

Thursday

Today I won't be doing much, because we have a bog hike planned. I got up super early, but no wonder, as I went to bed quite early as well. I had to get up at 9 but opened my eyes at 7 already.

A few weeks ago I had this really stressful and depressed time and I am back there right now, I feel so disgusting and awful. Today is a bit better though. I guess it plays a role that my weight has gone up quite a bit yet again and this upset me.

Every cell in my body was against having breakfast today, because I know today brings a lot of snacking and drinking. But I made proper porridge for myself. Then there were these discussions about should I also add a banana, do I add regular amount of oats, do I add less strawberries, but I just override these thoughts and made my normal porridge. I feel better and not a guilty today, but I guess these feelings will eventually come, as I am sure I am going to overeat. I try to think that this is normal and I still need to gain some weight, but it is not helping. Everything is okay. I just need to repeat this to myself often enough.

At least I get to share these things with a friend and she understands me, this makes everything better. I have no idea if today will be any productive at all, but at least I can write down that I do something with other people, I am moving my body and I am participating in things. Will jot them down tomorrow.

All in all I do feel like I have been more productive. At first I don't want to do anything, but once I get going, it gets easier. And I can complete what I need to do.

One of the biggest changes is definitely that I am not on my phone as much anymore, I have been actually living. And I have been doing things I kind of skipped on for a while.

…

And there is not list today, because I was not productive at all. Well, I could add that I did something different at least - went to a bog. And swam in a pond! It was nice. There was a lot of eating and I calculated... well, I don't even want to write it out. Today I feel quite disgusting, but I am sure I will get over it. It happens. I have gotten over it other times, why should today be different.

My head is actually full of thoughts and there are so many ideas I want to do and write. Which is good. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what to blog about anymore, but I have a plan for next 2 posts already. I haven't written anything down yet, but I have good ideas. So should be interesting. Even though I don't know, things may change with the challenges.

I want to get over my food addiction, because I am quite sure I have it. All the time when I am awake I need to eat something. :D It is difficult like this. Sitting at home and eating. Or going out with people and eating. Everything is about food and eating.

It is also difficult to see people who are thinner than I am, like yesterday I needed to tell myself all the time that different bodies, different paths, different prople and everything is different. I guess it did help.

I really didn't want to talk about eating in this post, but I kind of got stuck here, sorry. :D Also I am sorry for being behind with translating my posts. :D 

I will try and continue with this productivity thing, I want to start making lists and completing them. It feels so good when you actually finish stuff. And it becomes easier and easier the more you do it. But at the same time you can't forget REST and doing nothing, because they are equally as important. So I took it very easy over the weekend.

Before I talk about today's topic, I wanted to say that I tried a poke bowl with vegan salmon, made out of carrots and... it was a huge disappointment. It was far from "salmon", the sauce wasn't my favourite and despite taking a big bowl, I didn't really get full...

My sister and her friend ordered pizza (and were super happy about it) and the whole night I regretted not having pizza as well. :D At least me and my friend made a plan to have a pizza night to get this fix of pizza that I need.

Other than that it was fun, we also tried LaMuu salted caramel ice cream and talked. This food aspect got to me really bad, because I felt like I wasted calories?! I don't know. I have a feeling that I have food addiction, I always have to snack on something, or I can't feel at peace. Today my weight... oh boy, my eyesight got all black when I checked. I will write more about it towards the end of the post...

But about vegan cheese.

I just got a huge box of vegan cheese and I thought about sharing three recipes I tried with it. :D

I won't write about them in the order I made them, because firstly I wanted to tell you about my favourite! Some time ago I bought myself a waffl maker and I have tried it a few times, but not recently. So I finally decided to make savoury waffles.

To make these, I mixed 1 dl of flour, about 3/4 dl of vegan oatmilk, a spoonful of chia seeds, half a spoon of baking powder, some sundried tomatoes and vegan cheese. I flavoured it with salt, pepper, basil and parsley.

I let it stand a little and during this time I fried some asian vegetables with some mushrooms, added salt, paprica and garlic. Then I let it sit on the frying pan while I made the waffles. Usually it comes to 4 waffles, but this time it was six, haha, but I am not complaining, as it was... AMAZING. I think it was better than sweet waffles!!!!

I topped it with sriracha-garlic sauce and vegan mayo. And honestly, I haven't had something so good in a long time. It was just perfect, I can't even explain. :D I really recommend trying making savoury waffles! I can imagine them being good with chickpea flour as well, but I still haven't bought any.

Anyway yes, niceeeeee. I am just really excited, as you can tell. :D I just finished eating and had to blog about it right away. They were also super easy to make! And it proves that you don't need to use animal products, like, at all. I even sent my mum a picture of them and she is not a fan of waffles, but she said they do look good and she would like to try them. :D She is coming to Tallinn next weekend, so maybe I will make them to her and my sister... we shall see what our plans are. I also thought about making some for my birthday? Even though I don't know, the waffles get soggy quite fast. I need to think about it more. If you have good vegan pary food ideas, let me know. Last time I made pizza, but I would like to make something different this time around. I have some ideas, but there could always be more.

Next I made oven baked pasta, which used mushrooms, bell pepper, onion and pasta. I poured some oatcream over it, to make it nice and creamy. And of course added salt and pepper plus some garlic powder, because it makes the dish. I made it all in a pot and when it was ready, I poured it into oven proof mould and shredded some cheese on top. Then let it do it's thing in the oven for 15 minutes. It didn't seem enough though, so when I served it, I added some more cheese on top. :D

Really simple, but really tasty! I used vegan Emmental cheese and it was really good. I would definitely get it again. We also tried it plain and my sister said that it tastes like normal cheese, so it was a success.

And I finally could try my oven baked pasta, but... if I am honest, I like normal pasta more. XD Like this baking in the oven didn't really add anything to it. Mayvbe it would be better with tomato based sauce? Anyway, it was nice and me and my sister watched some Brooklyn 99 after a long time, and had some cake. All in all it was a really nice evening.

Thirdly and lastly I wanted to make some mac and cheese, but it was kind of different. :D But I LOVED it.

I put some pasta and cauliflower in a pot and let it boil, seasoning it with salt. Then I poured the water out, added about 150 grams of vegan cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder and paprica powder. Cauliflower was really soft and mushy and made a sauce with the cheese and it tasted so good.

With it, I had about 500 grams of cherry tomatoes, and perfect meal was ready. Really fast as well! :D And every time I have pasta I rediscover how much I like it. Can't wait to repeat this recipe, haha. :D Even though I would still like to try this American mac and cheese food, but I was pleased with my concoction as well.

Anyway yes, cheese is good and I highly recommend VegePlus vegan cheese. It is really tasty and honestly seems like the real thing. :D I still have one chilli one and one regular one left and I will definitely be making the waffles again.

I am sorry this post hasn't been as interesting, but I wanted to share some simpler things and I really wanted to write about this vegan cheese, as I got it as a gift from the company. :D

Next week will be really challenging, it is difficult to deal with the weight gain and I have some intense guilt, so it is kind of sucky with my ED currently. I know that there are a lot of events coming that have food and drinks, then mum comes, then there is Mother's day when we should got to Viljandi and then my birthday and so on. I want to get back into my old rhtym.

It is kind of nice, because every month I write a goal to my bullet journal to be more social, but eating disorder and weight gain really upset me.

Like, I don't have a thigh gap anymore. My feet rub together. It is really strange. Jeans are too tight. Argh, it is difficult to deal with this. And I am just at the lower end of healthy weight?! And I need to gain more to get my period back and get my hormones functioning normally?! How in the world?!

Also I eat a lot and a lot and I am still so tired all the time. My friend suggested taking bloot tests to see if I have too little of something in my blood, I will think more about it. I have seen my doctor once two years ago, so I don't really know how to contact her, haha... :D But yeah, I need to do something, because I am so low on energy.

For the next five days I am trying to do another challenge, but I don't know if it should be called that. It kind of does motivate me though, so this is good and I will write about it soon. And then I have another food related thing planned, so I am motivated about blogging at least. :D Sometimes getting my emotions out here really helps.

I got myself new headphones so I could listen to audiobooks. I started Harry Potter: A History of Magic and gosh, I have so many emotions. :D I am not fond of Rowling, but this world still means a lot to me.

I am also thinking about joining Scribd page to get more audiobooks, but I don't know... do you know any free sites for audiobooks? There is a page in Estonian library for it, but the selection is quite tiny there and I want more options. Let me know if you have any recommendations. :D Anyway, I think I will walk home today after work, so I could listen some. Though it is snowing a little and the weather is quite cold, so I am not sure.

This weekend passed super fast and usually they tend to drag. Maybe it is because I have such a hard time at work currently, I am really confused and tired and then life was like hehhehehe let's make this weekend past fast so she would have to go back to work asap.

Thanks, life.

I am a sweets kind of person. I prefer sweet snacks to savoury ones and my favourite breakfasts are always sweet. So I thought I would try to have only sweet things for a whole day. :D

Breakfast

This was my usual porridge with strawberries and banana and gingerbread seasoning. I really like porridge when it is a little spicy. :D On the past days I ran out of this seasoning and just needed to add some ground up ginger, because I really wanted that kick.

Anyways my porridge was really nice. At one point my porridges started going really watery and I never thought about adding less milk, now I finally did that and it is much better. :D

I haven't been making porridge a lot recently, I mostly do it on the weekends and during the week I make my yoghurt bowl. But now I am obsessed again and for the past three days my day has started with it. Mmm. I will also make it tomorrow. And the day after that. And so on. :D

I don't know how many bags of Marianne candies I have had, I should put them on the porridge... nice hot porridge with peppermint chocolate sounds really good. But yeah, my breakfast was not out of the ordinary at all and it was sweet so it fits the theme.

Also it was funny when I saw my new psychologist for the first time. She asked what I usually have for breakfast and I was like, well, porridge, and then she asked how I make it, do I fry the onion and I was like????? Excusme me, what? :D then she was shocked and asked if I didn't mean buckwheat porridge... 

I am not a fan of buckwheat, I have never liked it. And SAVOURY porridge for BREAKFAST?! This is unacceptable! Breakfast has to be sweet and amazing and thick oatmeal, grain meal, rice porridge or millet porridge or semolina porridge, definitely not BUCKWHEAT. Yes, I am very passionate about it. :D

Lunch

I am not sure what I have for lunch yet. I am going to a store and see what they have. At the moment I am thinking about pastries, pancakes with sweet filling, cottage cheese with jam or just a yoghurt with something. I shall see what the small store near my workplace carries and decide when I am there. Yesterday I did think about getting something in advance and tahking it to work with me, but I decided against it in the end.

I picked salted caramel creme pancakes and strawberries. It was suuuch a good lunch. At first I thought od taking pancakes with strawberry or raspberry jam, but just because they had less calories than salted caramel ones. Then I was like, for Godness' sake, I have been wanting to try those for a long time - why don't I just pick this? It would still stay on my mind and bother me. And strawberries were on sale, so I took one carton. Also had a small bottle of Fanta Zero, it is just so good and usually I need something extra sweet towards the end of the day. Anyway yes, this was a really nice lunch.

Guilt... I have some. Because usually my lunches are really small, I mean REALLY SMALL. I cover it with snacking in the evenings, but this time not. It doesn't mean that I won't snack, nope, I am still planning to do that. :D

But I don't have as much guilt as I thought I would. Food was just so good that I couldn't really feel bad, which is a good thing. :D I am not worried or anxious at all, I feel really stable and my energy levels are okay, which is good. Usually I get SUPERfull, then I get SUPERhungry, now I feel normal constantly. Again I am thinking "is this how normal people feel?". Like, a lot of the times at work or at home office I feel like snacking, but at the moment I don't have this. Well, I am in a habit of snacking, but I am not hungry really.

Today it is such a nice weather I am thinking about walking a longer round. I don't know if I am motivated enough to go for a run, I guess I will see when I get home and decide then. I don't think I have enough strength at the moment. Until now I have been running every other day and it seems to work well. Anyway, I will see how I feel. I feel like I want to go, but... lazynesssssss, 

Dinner

I didn't go for a run, as my walk took longer than usually. I did a really long walk, went to the store, picked up a parcel from the post box and when I finally made it home, it was already 6:30 pm. I also listened to an audiobook and time passed really fast.

Then I took a shower and it was time for dinner. For dinner I had 500 grams of curd cream with mango, pineapples, raspberries, blueberries and blackberries. I also added some breakfast cereal with coconut shreds and raisins.

It was really good. Even though I make a lot of yoghurt bowls for breakfasts, it was exactly what I craved for. :D

Then I also had a huge bowl of grapes, because I wanted more of something fresh.

I got some guilty feelings, because I looked at my watch and how many calories I burned and it was 200-300 calories less than I ate. But I tried to be over it. Because as my friend said and what I constantly remind myself of: who do I want to be thin for?

I think it is a good idea. :D Besides I know I still need to gain some weight, so these extra calories did me good. I need to eat like this every day!

The next morning I made some porridge again and surprisingly I didn't feel like not having sweet stuff. Instead I thought that I could do some more of those pancakes... :D We shall see what I will have for lunch today, do I keep eating sweets ot not. Probably not.

In the evening my dad and sister are coming to have dinner, I am making vegan cabbage stew. I have no idea how it will come out, but I hope that they will like it. It is my dad's favourite food and when he called yesterday, I told him I was going to make it and he got really excited. Of course he thinks I will make it with regular minced meat, but I am not going to say anything and see what he says, hehehe. :D

This was the result and I can let you know that he and my sister loved it. They ate and complimented me and took some more, I was so glad. It is the best compliment to me, if someone praises the food I make. :D I thought that maybe I can have it on the next day as well, as I made quite a bit, but we ate it all. My dad keeps saying that he eats too much meat, but he doesn't do anything about it. He says that he should have it maybe once a week, but still has it almost every day. But yeah, he liked the stew and said that he couldn't tell the difference and he was surprised I cooked non-vegan food.

But on the next day when I got home from work, I found a package with sausages and cheese in the fridge (he came to set up some more furnitrue, but so much about having less meat then...).

It was really easy to make this stew, I just boiled the potatoes, then put onion, broken up soya cutlets and some seasoning into the pot. Then I added cabbage, water and bullion cube and let it simmer until the cabbage was soft. I served it with vegan yoghurt instead of sour cream and it was done. I can't really say how much of everything I used, but this gives you a rough idea. :D anyway, I got thinking about why don't I usually make these kind of simple home meals? There is something in this simplicity.

I probably woldn't be able to do a challenge where I eat only savoury things for a day. Sweet stuff is so good and I naturally gravitate towards it. :D This is why there are several bags of potato chipst just sitting on my counter - I always have something sweet as a snack. So yeah, I don't think eating sweets only for a week would be difficult for me, haha. :D Anyway, this was one of my favourite challenges definitely. And it was so easy as well, I really didn't need to think a lot. Besides all the foods were prepared quickly and they were simple. I will definitely have the same stuff in the future too.

What kind of people are you, would you rather have sweets or salty stuff? There are a lot of people who strongly prefer one or the other. I am definitely more of a sweets person. Some people are normal as well and like balance in their foods. I think I NEED to have something sweet every day, or I will overeat and binge and so on.

Also I have never felt guilty because of eating sweets. It is normal food, just like savoury things. Just when I was sick, I followed more closely how MUCH I ate, not what I ate. As I have mentioned before, I have always had the habit of having something sweet after a meal. I need at least one candy or something to finish a meal. This kind of concludes a meal. :D What is why I have a lot of cookies and candies and chocolate in my drawer at work. Yesterday I didn't have any though, because pancakes were sweet enough.

If I am completely honest, then I haven't been completely honest. On some days I have skipped my lunch in order to eat more in the evening. And I have eaten more. And... I have still gained weight. :D I just had this silly habit of having very little during the lunch, now I am trying to get back on track. Have done it for 3 days now and I feel so much better. I don't feel like binging in the evenings so yeah, all these OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittend fasting things are bullshit and bring on binge. I learned it the fard way.

I actually wanted to write a post just about that, but then I got... embarrased? For doing something like this. Because I know it is not the best thing to do for me. I ALWAYS discover having three of four meals a day works the best, I have enough energy and so on. Anyway yes, I wrote down in this months' goals to eat properly and I am finally making progress. I just wanted to write this down here as a reminder to not do these kind of experiments in the future. It is not working. Normal eating is a key to normal life.

Lately I have had more moments of social eating as well and I have gotten sort of over the thing where I always wanted to eat alone and watch a series or videos or something. I eat and talk to people without a problem. I think I would still like to be alone after work and have dinner at peace, but if it doesn't happen, it is fine as well.

Anyway yes, I need to think about what to take on as a next challenge. I got this idea really randomly and it was a good one, because I had a lot of fun. :D I will think of something interesting for the future though, I am sure of it.