I Won't Quote

I thought I'd bring out some goals that I have... to motivate myself to recover. There is another Estonian blogger who posted about the same stuff, so I am kind of stealing her idea here, but oh well.

1. I want to work out. I still love and miss running as well as bouldering. It would be perfect to finally have enough strength to do those things. At the moment I don't work out at all, I just go for a walk or something. And I miss having a goal. As soon as I allow myself running again, I will document it here as well. I want to know how I progress, how I grow stronger. I am really happy thinking about working out again!
2. I want to travel. The trip to Japan was so amazing and I need to have similat experiences again. I want to enjoy travelling and not calculate in my head that how much do I need to work out now to balance the eating out. In Japan I managed pretty well, but there were some tough moments as well. But it was a good start.
3. I want to be healthy. Here I mean that I want my bones to be well and strong. I want to have normal body functions. I don't want to feel cold all the time and worry all the time.
4. I want to enjoy spending time with my friends. I don't want to cancel meetings with friends due to food anxiety. I know that in the future I will remember the moments that enjoyed, I will remember spending times with people. I won't remember that I gave up cake. So why am I doing this to myself?
5. I want to be better at my job. I feel that my thinking is not as sharp as it could be. I want to get things easier. I want to think faster and manage my tasks better. I want to remember things more easily.
6. I want to try different foods. I don't want to always say no when someone offets me a candy. I want to pick a dessert when eating out, in addition to main meal. I want to try out different snacks and enjoy them!
7. I want to play with kids. I don't want to be the weak aunt who can't hold a baby and rock them. I want to have enough strength to run with kids. So many of my friends have kids now and I just want to enjoy my time with them.
8. I want to make people proud. For example my family. I want them to have a reason to be proud of me. Even if it is just due to the fact I beat this illness. Also I want the readers of this blog to be proud. I want to show that healing is possible. I want to be proud of mysekf! 
9. I want to be spontaneous. I want back the moments where I thought that having McFlurry at 2 am was a good idea. I want back the moments where I could randomly decided that I want to have pizza. I want to pick a coffee with syrup instead of just latte (which is already difficult as well).
10. I want to bake more. This is a random thing, but it is true. I have so many nice recipes from people and recipe sites, that I have not yet tried as I am scared. I want to bake focaccia, duch oven bread, all kinds of things! I want to make pastries and banana bread and muffins. And I also want to eat other people's snacks. There have been occasions when I have visited someone and I just am unable to have a piece of cake or something. I want the real me to come out again and enjoy life. 
11. I want to have feelings again. It doesn't matter that it won't be only good emotions. I know that if I eat more, I get feelings slowly coming back. I want to be excited and happy, I want to laugh properly. It doesn't matter that it will also bring anxiety, sadness, despair... it would be worth it.

I think there are a lot more things I could write down, but these are the main things for now. I hope to fulfil them.



Went to a bog during the weekend! Very spontanteous. It was nice. Didn't see many people either, just a few. Somehow life needs to continue despite the pandemic...

I have been thinking about this challenge for a looong time. :D Now finally in this self isolation I thought I could do it. Besides I posted it to Instagram as a poll and quite a lot of people seemed to be interested in it. So I thought long and hard about all the yellow foods available. Maybe it wasn't all that yellow, but it was... yellow-ish. This counts, right? Anyway, I could do it with another colour, would be interesting.

I kept going between yellow and green, but finally I thought I have more yellow things and I couldn't go shopping, so I decided upon this. I have used the word "yellow" so much in this post already, that it doesn't even feel like a word anymore. :D

Breakfast

This was quite easy. Of course I couldn't give up on my regular porridge, but I still switched it up a little. I made rice porridge with banana, mango and coconut. It was really good, even though I still somewhat missed oats. :D What can I do, I am a fan. But at the same time this meal looked great and made my morning very bright.



For a snack I had a lot of rice crackers with caramel. :D They were very yellow. And really good. The addiction is real. :D



Lunch

For lunch I took some homemade bread and my homemade hummus. It was soo good. I really like this bread recipe and it was really nice to toast the slices before having it.



Maybe this doesn't seem like enough food, but talking abou this recipe - it is very thick and moist and "hard", so it is really filling. Also my sister had the same thing as lunch, and her eating habits are normal, so I think this was also okay for me. :D I try and learn some food aspects from people around me.

For a snack I had Estonian dessert named kohuke, with toffee flavour. The glaze on it is quite orage, but still close enough for yellow (this is the only thing I don't have a photo of, sorry. :D)

Dinner

This time I made jacket potato with cheese and chickpeas in curry sauce. (Also I have to admit I had some pickles and a lot of cottage cheese with tomato and cucumber and mushrooms on the side.) I think this is not sticking to the challenge, but I don't want my eating disorder to grow stronger. It would have been so easy to say that ah, I can't have anything else because it is not yellow. So instead I decided to have more food on the side and be honest about it.



And for the night snack we had some melon! Pomelo season seems to be over and this seems to start, so it was a really nice fresh snack.



I thought a lot about different snacks I could have had - smoothies and all that stuff, but it is quarantine so going to the store - I try to keep it minimal. So it was this kind of post for today.

 Which coulour challenge would be the most difficult? I think I could also do green, red and purple. Others would be too difficult... :D Maybe some pink-ish purple-ish would be okay too.

I have been watching these kind of videos on youtube, so that is where I got the inspiration. I hope this was somewhat interesting or at least fun to read. :D

I have been reading a ton of books during this isolation, using Estonian online library.

At the hospital in Tartu I read two crime stories bt Nele Neuhaus, and I was really glad to find the third part from the library. And this books passed so fast!



She looked at herself in the mirror, touched her fingertips to the little red hood on her head, and laughed. The dress was a real dirndl, with a short skirt and apron. Papa had plaited her hair into two braids, and she really looked exactly like Little Red Riding Hood in her fairy-tale book.
He always brought presents—it was a secret that she and Papa shared, because he never brought anything for the others. Only for her. She was his favorite.
The door opened, and she uttered a frightened cry when she saw the wolf. But then she had to laugh. It wasn't a real wolf after all; it was only Papa, who had put on a costume. How lovely it was that she was the only one to share this secret with Papa. Too bad she could never remember anything afterward.

On a hot June day, the body of a sixteen-year-old girl washes up on a riverbank outside of Frankfurt. She has been brutally murdered and shows signs of long-term abuse, but no one comes forward with any information as to her identity. Even weeks later, the local police have not been able to find out who she is. Then a new case comes in: A popular television host is attacked, raped, and locked in the trunk of her own car. She survives, barely, and is able to supply only vague hints to the police, having to do with her recent investigations into an organization whose members are from the highest echelons of society, and the potential uncovering of a shocking history they'd prefer to keep from the public eye. As the two cases collide, Inspectors Pia Kirchhoff and Oliver von Bodenstein dig deep into the past and underneath the veneer of bourgeois society to come up against a terrible secret that is about to impact their personal lives as well. It is almost too late for a person very close to Pia before she and Oliver finally track down the big bad wolf.

This was a crazy book. A lot of the characters and actions were seriously fucked up, to be honest. I really liked though, how realistically it was written. Sometimes I don't like when there are different points of views in a book, but at this one I wasn't mad about it. This really explained the situations and characters more. I know that this author has quite a few books, so hopefully they will be translated into Estonian too.

Second book I read was "Geek girl" and I am embarrassed. It was a young adult book, and a really BAD one...



Harriet Manners knows a lot of things.

She knows that a cat has 32 muscles in each ear, a "jiffy" lasts 1/100th of a second, and the average person laughs 15 times per day. What she isn't quite so sure about is why nobody at school seems to like her very much. So when she's spotted by a top model agent, Harriet grabs the chance to reinvent herself. Even if it means stealing her Best Friend's dream, incurring the wrath of her arch enemy Alexa, and repeatedly humiliating herself in front of the impossibly handsome supermodel Nick. Even if it means lying to the people she loves.

As Harriet veers from one couture disaster to the next with the help of her overly enthusiastic father and her uber-geeky stalker, Toby, she begins to realise that the world of fashion doesn't seem to like her any more than the real world did.

And as her old life starts to fall apart, the question is: will Harriet be able to transform herself before she ruins everything?

I have the second book of the series at home (don't worry, I didn't buy it, my sister's friend lent it :D) and I don't know if I want to read it. :D I hate not finishing things, but at the same time, this was horrible! Why I continued reading it in the first place, was because it kind of reminded me stories I used to write. :D Anyway, it was filled with second hand embarrasment...

Thirdly I read another young adult book "Instructions for second-hand heart".



Jonny has a faulty heart and his time is running out. Niamh has just lost her twin brother in a tragic accident. As their fates collide, soon Jonny is on the mend - but desperate to know more about his donor. When he tracks down Niamh, he only intends to find out about her brother, the first owner of his heart. He doesn't plan on falling in love... A stunning, tear-jerking novel about grief, guilt, and the unpredictability of love.

This was very real and emotional and written well. I didn't cry reading it, but some of the situations and how the characters handled life, made me think a lot. I think it was well written. I really liked that the point was that you don't need to get over things, sometimes you just need to accept and keep living with them. Maybe reminded me oh Jogn Green style, but I liked it more than his books.

And lastly I read this one Estonian book, called "Journey to yourself".



This I started reading because it touched eating disorder subjects, but I liked it more than I at first thought. But at the same time it is like... too fake positive. If you are in a deep shit like I am, it is difficult to think that oh yes, I will do this now and ace all life! She somehow makes everything seem so easy. I don't know. Maybe I will like it more in some time when I have had enough time to think. I have had some cases like this.

I haven't finished it yet, but almost. I know my next one to read will be Paolo Coelgo "Spy", so maybe I will write some more book reviews in the future.

Have you read something interestinf in quarantine? Do you have any recommendations?

It is so difficult to be at home.

I feel so guilty.

I make myself do things that I shouldn't.

Sometimes I feel like I am living from meal time to meal time.

It is so difficult to deal with things during this quarantine. You are sitting in front of your computer, doing work or just chilling, and seeing the fridge. I have been eating proper three meals and snacks, but it is still so-so difficult. I feel like I don't have any flexibility, which is what is my goal. But I can't shake these regular things. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should go back to the hospital and stay there until they let me know I can go home. Maybe it would be like waking up in the morning on the right weight. But I don't want to go back to the hospital, I really don't.

Quarantine is making me go mad. Also I cannot stop baking bread. I think it is good though, I don't eat some light soups for lunch.

My weight has gone down a little. It is tough to admit it, but it has. I am dealing with this as well as I can and make myself eat more, but my anorexia is really happy. It is smiling and thriving. Already the mornings when my weight has gone down even by hundred grams, I feel so good. This sucks. Instead of being upset over it and taking it seriously, I feel like anorexia has grabbed my throat and telling me I am doing good. It feels exactly like so.

Don't worry though. The weight won't stay like this. I know this can't go on. I know I need to try more, eat more, be more flexible and not feel as guilty. I know it and I am taking steps towards it! I have a lot of confidence. At least at the moment. And if this moment passes, I can come back here and read this post. I promise. Also, my weight hasn't dropped too much, just a few hundreds of grams. But still. It should be the other way.

On Saturday, me and my sister had another wine evening with watching a movie. This time it was better guilt wise - I didn't have as much of guilt as I expected on the next day. Could it be... that I have done this three times, it is getting easier? If it is - I am fine with that! Next weekend we are going to do it again.

Also made this bread again as I mentioned. This time it came out even better than usuallt. Also I made some homemade hummus - so cool! It is always so expensive to buy it from the store, I am kind of excited about making it at home now.



Getting stuff from the stores for a week is getting better. There are a few things during a week I would like to have, but I have managed without and really go to the store once per week only. But I do go for a little walk every single day.

With walking is that I really love it. I usually play a podcast (my favourites are Our Plague Year and The Healthcode, also one Estonian podcast) and just walk. I still know that some of this walking is from my anorexia though. I wish I could get rid of this need to constantly do something. I have started walking less, but still I feel like I should do more.

Haven't worked out at home, except for doing a plank challenge someone said I should do on Instagram. But that is it.

I really need to gain just a couple of kilost though to get back into running. Weather is so nice as well, I could run so much. I am jealous of runners when I go out.

This is such a random post, but I had a few of these things in my head that I sort of wanted to get out. And I also think I will make a food menu post, to hold me accountable. I have postponed it, but I want to gain some control over myself, especially during those crazy times.



My favourite snack lately. It has become easier having it, at first I felt really guilty, especially due to adding milk.

Also my next challenge is going to be eating only one certain colour food. I have so many ideas already!

A throwback picture to Japan, because I really miss it. I should re-read my Japan trip posts. :D

Anyway, I finally pulled myself together and thought of some questions to ask from my friends and family. Firstly I asked my best fried to answer. I don't know... after reading these, I feel hopeful somehow. Even though it was a bit sad at the same time.

1. Have I changed with my eating disorder?

Yes, definitely. Obviouslt physically, but there are more things that I have noticed. You are tired, upset and easily affected by small things. I can SEE how your hands are shaking before eating and how you become serious after a meal.

2. What is the most difficult thing with me?

That you don't realise, how serious this situation is. No matter how much we talk about it, you are still stuck in the beginning. Maybe a few days after our conversation you know more and take things lighter, but then your problems catch up and you are back at the beginning. Despite this I will tell you 10000 times again and again how things are. I can tell you you are not hopeless and I am always there for you.

3. When did you notice I have difficulties with eating?

A bit less than 4 years ago. When you had lost quite some weight (about 20 kgs?), but this was still healthy. You did sports, but I started to notice you skipping food things you used to have. At first I didn't pay attention to this, because eating meat and sugar (the first things you cut) are individual and I can't make you eat something simply because I eat these things. But as I have known you for a long time, this was the first sign that there is more to the problem than just being healthy as you said. Then I noticed that you have a challenge to loose as much weight as possible.

4. How do you deal with this situation?

It is difficult. Obviously I understand that it is more difficult for you, but it is also difficult for me. For years I have seen you change physically but also mentally. In my head, there is Signe as you were and then Signe as you are now. They are two completely different people. I don't think that you are worse now, or not as good. Just different. People change with time, but it is difficult to see how you are struggling with thins. I wish I could carry half of your problems for you.

5. Do you think I will become completely healed?

I have told you several times, and I think that this is something you have to learn to live with. Of course I would like you to wake up one day and not feel guilty because of food, but this is unreal. I just hope that when you have control over your behaviour, it will become easier to deal with it.


Even the fact she described changes in me, is a little motivating. I mean, I have a goal to get back to. To become this fun Signe once more, who took things lighter and who was just happier. I don't have to move on to get better - I can move back to being as I was before all this madness.

I also asked the same things from my mum and reading these answers kind of broke my heart a little. But it was good to hear all of this. As I said before - we have talked about this topic, but it all feels really... not so deep and I really had now idea how she felt about the whole thing. I just had some general knowledge. She told me I can share the answers, even though I didn't know if I should do it. But at the same time I want to show this side of the illness as well. Show how it affects people close to us. So after thinking about it quite some time I finally decided to share these answers. And of course I told her beforehand that I will do that.

1. Have I changed with my eating disorder?

Yes you have. When you were "sinking", you were constantly angry and irritated. I never knew if I said something wrong. I also couldn't make jokes, because it made you more annoyed. You didn't seem to enjoy anything and nothing brought you joy. I tried to talk about different things with you and your sister, hoping that you would be interested, but to that, you simply walked away. It seemed that something was weighing you down, but when I asked, you said you are just tired. It was every day occurrance.  You were tired, but you always had to do something. And then you were angry about doing things. It was like you were posessed.

Finally you made it to where you had to go - hospital. This anger you wen through... You were mad at the world, especially at the nurses. But they were your saviours. All these talks we had, all those cries and all these stories. You are a smart girl and you finally realised that things needed to change. We had tried telling you this for forever. And finally you managed to guide yourself to the right path. It is like you are walking on a frozen lake and the ice is still very thin. But it is gettinf thicker. You have changed into being much friendlier, happier and talkative. You don't feel bad all the time, although it is not completely gone yet. Everyone feel bad from time to time, this is life. But these mood swings are tough. You are still having troubles with eating and you don't know how to deal with it. When we talk about it and I try and explain you stuff, you seem to understand and beat your thoughts, but you need help. But you being you, you don't ask for help often. Sometimes from me, but I am not a specialist. Sometimes from a psychologist, who has some time, or from your sister or a friend. But you usually seem to think that this is your fight and you need to deal with it yourself. You are on your way to getting better though, and at one point you will be able to handle this on your own as well.


2. What is the most difficult thing with me?

It is difficult that it seems that your existing means counting calories and then some thinking about if you have burned off enough of them. Even now when you in reality need to gain weight. Always checking calories on the packaging. If I dare to mention it... you used to get angry, but you luckily forgave your mum quite fast. Now you listen to my explanation, take a deeper breath and sometimes healthy thoughts win. You are trying your best to deal with the illness thoughts. You are doing great! The most difficult is to try and guide your thoughts and make you think logically.

3. When did you notice I have difficulties with eating?

At first when you started to lose wright, I just thought you are turning into a city babe. :D Everyone are like models there, it seems to me normal. At first it was nice to see - I was proud of having such a beautiful daughter. But when we met again after 3-4 months, I thought that this has gone too far. It was beautiful to see though, as I was never good with dieting. But this started to seem too much. When it appeared that you became a vegetarian, I was really upset. You kept telling me how you can switch everything to plant based. You are very smart, but I didn't like this at all. No chicken or fish... crazy. It seemed like a catastrophy to me. I became very aware of the situation. I asked and tried to accept your answers, I kept thinking that you have always been a smart girl and you know your stuff.

But things went really badly. I don't want to think about it, my heart starts to ache and I feel like crying.

4. How do you deal with this situation?

This experience hurt me a lot, it is tough to see your child disappearing. I never wish this upon any parent. You spend your days and nights worrying if there is something to be done before an organ fails. Please, people, eat. Your body needs food to exist. Don't give up. No one needs to go through something like this, not even my worse enemy. If you are in this situation you need to fight, fight, fight. No matter if you get your child to be upset at you, you are fighting for their life.


5. Do you think I will become completely healed?

I really want to believe in it, because I know you are smart and strong. I know there are some relapses on the way, and this illness doesn't leave you alone easily, but as soon as you start to understand things, I believe you can handle it. I believe in you and I hope that once you will win. Somewhy I believe you need a partner on your side who would distract you from eating related things. (Mum what the heck does that even mean?! :D)

I also wanted to ask the same things from my sister, but she didn't feel like answering, even though I kept asking her so many times. :D Oh well. When she finally has the time for it, I will try to ask her again.


I am generally really tired today, as home office tires me much more than actually going to work. There is much less motivation and everything is just annoying, I cannot focus properly.

Today I will definitely go outside for a little walk - the weather seems amazing. It is good that there aren't many people around my home area. I would go mad in this isolation.

Anyway, this is today's post.

I was really lucky last week! On Friday, a courier called me and told me that they are bringing me a parcel from Globus Estonia, which meant I got a ton of canned goods, like corn, beans etc. Which I can now use during this week! It was such a nice surprise. I got another gift from them when I was at the hospital so this is why they had my address.



I am going to make chilli soon now, I haven't made it in a while.



There is also a challenge - use 5 ingredients and make quarantine food. I challenge you all.

But anyway, I spent no money during the week again.

Monday

For breakfast I had porridge, for lunch I had soup and for dinner I made something that took more time, Japanese curry. :D I opened the curry cubes and now to use them up. Besides, now that I have used a proper amount of seasoning, it tastes a whole lot better. Also it showed me that at first something may be difficult, but it will become easier. Once it is in, it's in.

Tuesday

Breakfast and lunch were the same again, but for dinner I made gourmet dish - dumplings. :D I don't know, they used to be this kind of food that you made when you literally had nothing else, but now it has changed into luxury. :D The only thing I am upset about is that vegan dumplings are so much more expensive than meat ones. Why?! I really love these vegetable gyozas, but yeah. Expensive! I don't understand.

Wednesday

For dinner I made oven baked fries and beetroot burger with salad. I really like making my own fries, they are a lot better than store ones. Also you can add your own seasoning, I love rosemary and salt combo a lot. I never use this general "fries" seasoning. Well, maybe sometimes, but still rarely.  And beetrood patties are my favourite vegan burgers I think. Even though most of them are good. I am talking about store bought ones as I suck at making them myself.  Globus Estonia sent me some canned beetroot though, maybe I should try and make them myself?

Thursday

I used this one meatless Tuesday recipe and made Maroccan style lentil-sweet potato stew, and we got leftovers so we also had it on Saturday. It came out perfect! I served it with basmati rice. I also discovered that basmati rice... smells different than normal one? :D Dunno, can't really explain it.



This was probably my favourite meal of the week! If you want the recipe, let me know and I can translate it.

Friday

I made salmon burgers with salad and pickled cucumbers. I know, a weird combo. :D At first I wanted to make something like fish and chips, but it turned into this. I also thought that I haven't had any fish in a while, so why not make this. Quick and easy as I bought store-made fish patties. It tasted okay, not as good as I hoped, but it was still fine. Food doesn't have to be perfect. It is still difficult for me to deal with these situations though, it brings up a lot of guilt.

I also baked some more bread on Friday, which was just as good as I remembered. :D I still haven't made proper bread, but I hope to find time for this as well (with the starter). Ideally I would love to make something as good as this handmade bread shop makes. :D Yumm, I kind of want it now. Maybe I should go and buy some awesome bread?



Saturday

For lunch I had bread with hummus. I looooove hummus so much. I used to never appreciate it enoug, but now I have become a huge fan.



For dinner we had more of this lentil-sweet potato stew with rice. And alsmo me and my sister decided to take some time off from everyday and have a snack and some wine. This was a huge challenge for me.

Not on the same day but on the next, I had so much guilt and it was difficult to think of something else. I really felt like restricting, but I didn't do this. I had 3 proper meals and also snacks. Now it is already Monday but I still have some guilty feleings in my head... I need to tell myself that I ENJOYED Saturday and this counts. Food is not a punishment and not eating is not something to cheer for. It is important to eat normally and regularly, as if nothing had happened. I can't live my life in this rhytm for forever. I can't have breakfast at 7, snack at 11, lunch at 13 and so on for the rest of my life. Real life doesn't follow the time. There are moments where I may have something out of the ordinary in real life. Food is to be enjoyed. I can express it well - why can't I just understand?!

Sunday

For lunch I again had homemade bread with hummus. And bread was gone. What a sad day.

I don't know why, but my sister really loves vegetable wok with egg noodles and well, I think it is pretty good as well. So I made some wok with teriyaki sauce and I think it was quite good. Really easy and fast.

So I wrote down things for seven days instead of five, as I had everything for it. On Saturday I still went to the store to get stuff for the next week. I know it is necessary, but it was really weird to queue outside of the store.

I have been avoiding reading the news on the weekend so I have been feeling really calm and nice. Instead of corona news I would like to listen to something good. I want to read happy news and nice articles. I just want to hide form this pandemic. Can't wait until it is over... I have a holiday from work in May, but I don't think this situation is over by then. I really wanted to go to Oslo, but I am afraid this is not going to happen. Really sad about it. I am thinking of maybe changing my holiday time... we shall see. I really could use some rest though. I don't know, working from home is so much more tiring than being at the office.

It is difficult to stay indoors all the itme. I still go out for walks, but it is not that. I want to DO something. I thought of starting yoga classes when I got back from Japan, but then this pandemic started. I know I could do yoga at home, following videos (hey, I had a yoga challenge here in my blog), but I just don't like following videos at all. I want to do it with real people and teacher.

I also really would like to start running again, but I am not allowed to, due to my weight. I need to gain at least 5 more kilos to do it. I just want to wake up overnight and be at this weight.

Anyway, what else... I gave my best friend and family some eating disorder related questions I would like them to answer to. I will share it on my next post. I think it is an interesting read to myself as well.

Also, if there are any challenges or ideas what I should do, please let me know. I am open to everything. I think about maybe having this "how many calories I eat per day" post at one point. It is a bit difficult though, like with homemade bread - I don't know how many calories it has. :D Anyway, I will try it at some point.

I think this is enough for today. Stay healthy!

Sitting here at 8 am in the morning, thinking about what to write. I just enjoyed a good bowl of oatmeal and I am feeling quite okay. It is Friday.



I think I have written and mentioned how my family deals with this eating disorder situation and how they are trying to support me through it. But at the same time I haven't written in detail, how difficult my family relationships are due to it.

Definitely one thing I have noticed, is that I get annoyed really easily and am really irritated all the time. Even when my family means well, my anorexic brain makes it sound bad and I get angry. I feel really guilty about it and say sorry, but I feel like I just cannot control myself.

I am thinking about asking my sister some questions where she can talk about my eating disorder. Though she doesn't really like this idea. :D Also I am not sure what to ask... it is difficult to come up with something. Would it be interesting?

I think that she is supporting me the most; definitely thanks to the fact we live together and she is sort of forced to listen to my whining. as whining, I mean the moments where I keep ranting that I feel guulty, today is difficult, I can't do this anymore.

With family it is difficult to get together or celebrate something. I just cannot take things simply and always overeat. And then on the next day feel really shitty. These are like binge eating moments, but not exactly... I still have some control. My family keeps telling me that it is okay and I ate a normal amount, besides I don't eat like this every day. And my weight doesn't go up! But I feel the opposite.

What is not really something that supports me... well, there was a moment when I was visiting my parents and my dad made me step on a scale so he could see how much I weigh. There is still a long way to go and my weight doesn't change overnight. This kind of behaviour doesn't help me. Gaining weight is the smallest part about getting better.

I also sent some questions to my mum but she said she needs to think a little longer before answering. :D I don't know if any of you would be interested in it, but I am now curious myself. We have talked about my illness, but it still sort of like a taboo. Also talking to my friends about it is difficult as well.

What people have said, is that I am not as happy as I used to be. And I used to be more fun. I think that this is true. I also would bring out that I don't like when my day gets "messed up". When I have to eat on different time than I am used to etc. It is annoying. Thus I am not really excited about making plans or going somwehre. This is upsetting - I cannot be spontaneous any more. For example when someone offers me a piece of cake I usually say no. Even if I would like some cake. This is one of the most difficult things but something I really want to change. I just at the moment need to know everything in advance, so I have time to process it.

There was a moment when my mum was visiting and before she went home, we went to a cafe. I had only coffee, even though she also had a cake. I don't know what stopped me... well, it was fear. But this situation makes me soooo annoyed. I am sad that I didn't take anything else. But I just couldn't.

Anyway, alltogether I would say that this eating disorder has ruined my relationships with other people, which is really sad and which I wish I could change. I don't want people to tiptoe around me and avoid certain topics. I don't want them to feel guilty or uncomfortable around me. I don't want to get annoyed at them. Sometimes I realise I am being angry and can stop myself, but I don't notice it always.

Also it is difficult to get to know new people. Anorexia is just so deep in me. And it is not a normal topic to just blurt out - btw I have an eating disorder. Yet I want to address it just in case... difficult situation.

I still think that I am on my way to gettinf better and even when I am upset at my weight in the morning, I can turn it around and feel less guilty. Today's morning was a good example. I felt bad and thought that okay, I shall have one less snack and I don't eat that or this. But then I thought that no, I am not going to do that, and by now I am already feeling better. I made a decision to fight it. I am not letting this emotion control my actions.

Today I am also planning to bake some bread. And I immediately thought that okay, maybe this is not a good idea, bread will have more calories than soup would... but no, I am going to bake and I am going to enjoy it! I am looking forward to this Corona madness being over so I could go and visit home and make bread there for my parents to try as well. :D My mum says she is really jealous and would like to try some. Also my friend gave me another recipe which I will maybe make next week, if we are still forced to work from home.

What else... I would like to apologise to all of my friends and family for being so upset over randim things. :D If you happen to read it (I know my mum and sister sometimes do), then please forgive me. I will try my best to be better.

I feel like I often give promises but don't hold them up on my side. I mean it seriously this time.

I went for a walk yesterday and made a deal with myself. Or rather, a challenge - to gain weight. Until now I have acted like this is something I have to do, but I haven't made it into a challenge. But now I will take it as one. And to cheat my anorexia brain, I added that "then the challenge is to lose weight". This would be another challenge to do. But in reality I hope I don't do that and only gain.

I don't know if I managed to explain it properly, but anyway, I am trying to cheat myself. I think this will help.

Anyway, is there something I should ask my family regarding this eating disorder thing? Let me know.

I think I will make another week of not spending and will probably write about it. On the weekend I went to do some food shopping (and I even wore a mask) and bought everything I needed for a week. I got this really cool notebook from a friend, it is a bit like bullet journal, but you don't have to design it yourself. I have all of my designing things at work, so I started using this instead. Anyway, there are pages to plan out weekly meals so I started to work on it. I can say in advance that it was 35 euros to buy everything I need, which is pretty good. Also some of the stuff even lasts longer (like rice and porridge oats).



I thought for a long time what to write about today. Then someone recommended to write about 10 things to waste your time on during the isolation. I put it under my own spin and decided to write about what NOT to do in isolation. Besides, I wrote about what to do previously.

So...

1. Have a party - I don't think this needs an explanation. We need to be isolated. If you really need to have a party, have a face chat with friends and drink some wine. :D I have done it one time, without the wine though. You can see other people and talk for a bit, it really makes a difference.
2. Go shopping - currently most of the stores are not even open any more, so yeah. But out of boredom, you may find even food shopping interesting. I just want to say that this is currently not the best idea. I have had some arguments with myself abou going to the stores - I keep thinking I want this and that, literally only the things I don't have at home.
3. Reading news - don't get me wrong, it is important to keep up with what is happening in the world. But checking the news in every five minutes can bring a lot of anxiety and ruin your day. Take only one moment a day where you check the news.
4. Invite friends over - this goes with having a party. But even having a few friends or just one friend over, should be postponed. And you shouldn't visit others as well. That's the thing - a lot of people don't have symptoms but they may actually be sick.You may make other people sick. At first I took this Corona thing with ease, but recently the reality has hit me. And better safe than sorry!
5. Go to work - this is mostly for office people, because a lot of people don't even have a job anymore. Or they are just temporarily closed. I have a possibility to go to the office, but it is recommended that I don't. If you can, stay at home.
6. Take a walk in crowded places - walking and spending time outside are important. You could go mad indoors. But at the same time it is importanto to keep the distance while outside, it is not the best idea to go to nature if every other people has thought to do the same. Instead you could visit an old town - my friend just told me that there were basically no people when she went there. I have been walking around near my home - I only see people with baby carriages or dogs going around.
7. Go travelling - at the moment it is impossible, but I thought I'd bring this out still. I was really annoyed when learning that people who were coming back from a vacation, would go around, visit stores and friends insteag of staying in quarantine. When I came home from Japan, I sat at home for 2 weeks, even though a chance of being sick was really small.

Instead of this there are so many things to do. For example yesterday I called my Grandma and asked how she is doing. We talked for like half an hour. I also saw on Facebook that there was "call your grandparents" day, so that's how I got the idea. And even without a specific day it is nice to call them.

In addition to this I have done many more things I wrote down previously - writing, reading, solving sudokus, cooked, watched videos and series, watched and sorted pictures, walking around and so on and so on.

This week I want to bake bread again. I am thinking of using the same recipe as last time... or should I try something new? One of the places that has a lot of cool recipes is this: yummly. I have already bookmarked some rye bread recipes in there. :D

For my next post I am thinking about writing my eating disorder again... and also I will make the post about how many calories per day I eat. I am thinking of posting it though, it may be triggering to someone and I don't want that.

Anyway, hope you are all well and good luck!

Considering it is self quarantine time I decided to go a week without spending any money again.

For this, I went to a store during the weekend and bought everything I needed for the week. I also planned out every single meal. Maybe today I will still go to the store and get some dairy things, because I simply forgot about those and I cannot have my coffee without milk. So yeah. I will try not to spend any money besides that. (So, Signe, no online shopping either!). We shall see how it goes. Last time I could do it. I think this is a good challenge for this time. Also quite a lot of people have to stay at home and don't have a job currently, meaning that they want to spend less. Being prepared like this is a good way to do it.

Monday

For breakfast I had, as always, porridge with strawberries and banana. I still have porridge every single morning. I sometimes think that I should make something else, like toast or muesli or cereal, but then I feel this "but I love porridge so much" so why wouldn't I have this. Besides I can have toast or cereal later if I want to.



For lunch I had some jar soup (cabbage borcht). I got a jar of soup base and now on workdays I can have it as lunch. With some bread and lunch is served. And the curry cubes and ready it was.



For a snack I had rice cakes with honey and for another snack I had muesli with milk. And night snack was mango-vanilla ice cream that I have had in the freezer for a while, but I was too scared to have it.

Tuesday

For breakfast I had porridge again, because well, it is my fav.

For a snack I again had these rice cakes, as I wanted to finish them before having anything else.

For lunch I had soup again (very lazy).

And then for a snack I had kohuke (Estonian curd dessert). They have new flavours and they are now named after Tallinna, Riga and Vilnius. I picked Vilnius, which was with creme caramel. It wasn't the best that I have had, but it was still good. I love kohuke. :D Now that I have tried them all, I recommend Riga one the most.



For dinner we had buckwheat with sundried tomatoes, fresh tomatoes and some onion. I am not a huge fan of buckwheat, but for some reason I was craving it. Also it was a huge portion.

We also had some pomelo that I had bought in advance. These are still very good and fresh and I love them. It is a bit difficult to peel them, but it's fine,.

Also I went for a little walk - I didn't go to any of the stores and kept distance from other people. I feel so depressed just sitting at home - don't kill me.

Wednesday

For breakfast you can guess 3 times. Of course porridge. :D Luckily I am not running out of it yet - I have a whole other box ready to go. Lately I have had it with strawberries and banana, but I have a box of frozen mango ready to go as well. Also there is enough jam to last me for years. :D

For a snack we had some candies I got from Japan and it was still really good. :D

I have thought of ordering something from iherb, but this is just an idea. There are a lot of interesting things there that I would love to try. A lot of people order supplements and vitamins from there, but I have had food stuff only. For example seasonings and so on. I can't order anything right now though as I am doing this no spend challenge. :D Or like, 5 days, because I need to stock up on the weekend.

Today everyone got a message from Estonia's governement too, saying that people should remain indoors and it is not allowed for more than 2 people to be together. And you need to keep the distance of 2 meters from others. Getting this message was kind of creepy and it fel like the end of the world is indeed near.

This whole Corona situation is crazy and makes no sense. It feels like reading a book. But everything happens in real life!

I don't think it will be over soon. Probably need to remain in home office... at the moment at least things seem to remain the same. We shall see. I really hoped that Estonia wouldn't have any Corona deaths, but we have had 11 now. :( I wish regular life could just continue...

What else is new is that my cuts in my mouth from the braces are lot better and doesn't hurt as much anymore!

For lunch I had some soup again. We are growing spring onion and I could cut fresh spring onion on top of my soup - it was so nice. Felt like proper spring.



After lunch I had a snack of Tallinn kohuke, which was with blueberries. Not the best, but good enough to have again. :D

For dinner I made simple kimchi fried rice and added a fried egg on top of it. Really simple and fast dish to make. I have so much time at home though that I could easily make something that takes more time. But at the same time I want to stick with foods I have made before to make sure I don't waste ingredients and so on. It is important to just deal with this situation and not go to stores too often.



Do you have a meal that you love to have that thakes a long time to make? Or is there anything you really enjoy that is easy and fast?

Thursday

For breakfast I had porridge.

For a snack I had rice cakes with cinnamon and apple - these are the best. I could have the whole bag in a day.

For lunch I had soup again, but it was the last portion. Tomorrow I need to come up with something else. Probably it will be an omelette, because we don't really have any more fresh stuff. But we have enough eggs.

For lunch snack I had Riga kohuke, which was the best one. Nice and caramelly.

For dinner I made grouts and potato mash with onion and served it with cottache cheese. At one point I made foods from different countries and this was a good one, my sister said she wouldn't mind having it again so we did. It is also very easy and fast - you just boil everything, fry up the onion and mix it all together. I think there was too much food in the end, but it was good. :D

And for a night snack we had some more pomelo. I don't know if I ever will get bored of it. :D

Friday

This is only today, but as I want to post it now, I will write down the plans.

For breakfast I had porridge with strawberries and banana.

For a snack I had some more rice cakes. Yes, I am obsessed.

For lunch I will make an omelette with sundried tomatoes and cheese. I really love sundried tomatoes - they are so nice and always elevate the food. Also there is a hack - use the oil they are in to fry up stuff. It adds so much to the food. It is like flavoured oil. :D

For dinner I am going to make sweet potato with beans in chilli sauce and tomato-cottage cheese salad as a side. I also had an idea about making banana-rye muffins, but we are going to have some more ice cream instead. :D If I will make the muffins at some point, I will make sure to blog about it.

So how is your eating in isolation? Have you prepared all the foods or do you still go to store quite often? Or do you order deliveries? I would like having a food delivery, but at the same time I like doing food shopping.

Anyway I will continue posting on Mondays and Fridays from now on again. If there is anything you would like to read about, just let me know!

Rice appears and disappears in my list of fear foods. On some days I am scared of it, on some days I am not. It depends on a day and what I have had on that day. At one point it remained in my list of fear foods... For example I have made some stew and had it with rice. And then on some days I have just had the stew by itself. And then automatically I get this thought that "oh, I didn't add rice, I shouldn't add it next time either".  This happens a lot with eating disorders - if you make food one way then next time it is difficult to change this behavior. All the time you are comparing food and making up these stupid rules.

But I like rice, and a lot. All kinds of sushis and curries with rice and vegetables are probably one of my favourite foods. So finally I decided to make some Japanese curry and with this, rice is a must.



Luckily I have a sister who keeps repeating that it is okay and I am allowed to eat. :D  Funny that I need a permission from someone else to eat something. Logically I understand that I can eat and be and do what I want, but it feels good if someone confirms it. I think this is really stupid, but it is what it is. At the same time I feel like there is less of it now than it used to be; even though I still get overwhelmed with guilt, I get over it faster. I can fight with these emotions better myself now. And I think this is a big plus.

What is also weird, is the fact that currently rice is not in my fear foods list, but I can't have it several days in a row. Not even because I would get bored of it, I just feel like... I had it and now I am supposed to eat something else. :D Maybe I SHOULD have rice indeed for the several days in a row to get over it? God, I have used the word "rice" so many times writing this post that it doesn't even seem like a word anymore.

Anyway, it is super easy to make Japanese curry. You just pick whatever you like (for example chicken and veggies), cut them up, fry them up a little, add some water and curry cubes. I used only vegetables of course - carrots, potatoes and onions. This is also very good. Most of the taste you get from the curry cubes. I am glad I stocked up on curry in Japan. :D



To have with the curry, I made some sushi rice and it was a perfect dinner. One of the best Japanese curries that I have made - most of the time it has been too bland, but this time I used 2 cubes instead of one, even though I accidentally saw the calories for one... Anyway, my sister really liked the food too, so soon we shall make it again. I need to buy some vegetables but other than that I have everything ready at home.

It is quite fast to make this food, it only took about 20 minutes and it was ready.

Also I have been meaning to ask - is it okay that I post so often? Or should I start doing it again only on Mondays and Fridays? :D At the moment I have things to write about, but soon I am running out of ideas I am afraid. I have been writing more to fight the boredom of social isolation. I have started a couple of challenges, but making them takes a little more time.

I am afraid we have to remain at home for a long period. I am sad for my sister, she is a math teacher and it is quite difficult to teach this subject via e-mails and online...

I would gladly go back to the office. I feel like I am more productive there and can focus more. It is not like at home where I get distracted a lot, where I don't have a proper chair and desk... I just keep thinking of the most random things.

We shall see what will happen.

This topic has been covered by milion and one bloggers, but I wanted to be popular too and discuss the options a little. Options that aren't dying of boredom, that is. I will try to make a list of the things and check it out myself whenever I don't know what to do any more.

• reading

I have a ton of books at home that I haven't even touched, but at the moment I am using Estonia's e-library, which is really cool. I am currently reading "Bad Wolf" by Nele Neuhaus and I absolutely love this criminal story.

But if you don't like reading online on your phone or computer, you can still go and visit a library (I think these still work). Also you can order online from some of the bookstores in Estonia.

If you are not interested in books, you are more than welcome to read magazines. For Estonian, I recommend vegan magazine, which is also available FOR FREE online. There are a lot more magazines that you will probably like, too!

Which I don't recommend to do, is reading news. Yes, of course you should keep an eye on what is happening, but don't spend a day constantly scrolling news. I find it cuses stress and being really upset.

What have you been reading recently, do you have any recommendations?

• Cooking

Having a home office it gives me an opportunity to cook fresh meals for lunch, which I really like.



Also in addition I decided to make kimchi and I also baked bread. I have also planned out meals for the next week and I have bought everything I need. For example last night we made some Japanese curry and today we are making buckwheat. Then tomorrow we will make kimchi fried rice, where we also add a fried egg on top. Then on Thursday I am making groud and potato mash with onion and on Friday we will make sweet potato boats filled with chilli.

I really like having these kind of proper plans, it makes me feel more normal and I don't have to think about what to make.

I also saw Estonian bread company posting how to make a started for bread on Facebook and I thought that maybe this can be my next project.

When was the last time you made something new? Do you have any recipe recommendations? And when was the last time you baked something? I really feel like baking. :D

• watching youtube

I find that I cannot focus enough to watch a movie or series (even though this is also something you can do in isolation). I really like watching just youtube. I usually watch different vlogs and DIYs etc, it is a good way to distract yourself from the crisis situation.

You watch youtube sometimes? What do you like to watch? I need some new channels to watch! :D

• learning a language

I haven't done much of it, but in Japan I promised that I will try and remember Japanese. I used to take classes in it for a year in university. I understand some bits, but not enough to have a conversation.

In English it is good to learn it via Duolingo. I have studied Norwegian on there, and I managed to learn quite a bit. I really like that they teach you every day things, not like... poems, like we had to learn in Russian classes at school.

There are a lot more pages where you can do some studying, but I highly recommend this. It is simple, cute and easy. Besides there are a lot of different languages to pick from.

Which language would you like to study? Have you ever learned a language by yourself? I find that studying it in a group is much easier, but this will do.

• cleaning

I know, I know. Who cleans voluntarily? But it feels so good after! We have one room flat and most of my day I spend in the kitchen that is kind of like my office. And after work I am in the bedroom. I really like keeping the kitchen clean, it helps me to focus better and it is nice to make dinner when there aren't like dirty dishes in the sink or something.

I really should look over my clothes and sort them a bit. As this isolation seems to still be going on for a while, I think I will do it at one point. :D I always start to clean when I don't want to do anything else. Anyone else? :D

• going for a walk

Most of the time you should stay home! And not go to shopping centers or other public places. I still think some walking is a nice thing to do. Especially if you can go to a place where there aren't many people around.

I have been going out on some days and only met people with dogs or small kids. There aren't too many people around here, so I feel quite safe. I don't even go to foodstores and try to make one trip a week to there.

• journaling

Or writing this blog. :D I think this is a really nice thing to do with your time. Just start writing. Besides you can later look back to this and think that wow, 2020 was crazy with the isolation and the situation in the world.  You can even tell it to your grandchildren...

I also have a scrapbook that I occasionally fill with stickers and photos and it is really nice and relaxing thing to do. Currently I am adding reciepts from Japan into it. :D Maybe I will take some pictures of it at one point and post here too.

Have you ever had a journal or diary? Or a blog? If you are reading blogs, feel free to also recommend me some!

• solving puzzles

Here you can add a lot of things. For example playing some games or solving jigsaws or sudokus. I have a wave of sudoku obsession at the moment. And then at one point I get bored of them and don't solve them for months. :D But currently I am into them. I even bought 3 different sudoku books, thinking I may get bored of one. :D

There are also word puzzles you can solve, but these I don't really like. But if you do, it is a good way to even learn something.

Which one do you prefer? Sudokus or puzzles?

I could write down milion other things. For example watching series and movies, writing a letter, online shopping, drawing, making art, watching TV, playing table games, writing your original story, singing, practicing an instrument, having a video chat with friends, doing yoga, working out at home, listening to a podcast or audio book... and so on and so on.