I Won't Quote

So I went to Tartu in the end, on Friday. I thought that I will use this thing where I plan coming back earlier on a Saturday, as my psychologist suggested... well, I made it home at 5 on Sunday. So I stayed for two nights.

Because I felt so normal. This small trip showed me that normal life is possible. Honestly, it was weird. I am not used to this feeling. Especially because last couple of weeks have been really depressive for me and I already told to my psychologist that I want to start taking higher dose of my meds, because I just cannot handle life. I don't know, maybe thanks to having bad time previously, these few days felt so good? My mum said I need to try and hold on to this, especially now on the next day as work is starting again etc. I will try and do my best.

On Friday I took the bus at 9am and went to Tartu. As I got there, I took a cup of coffee in a cafe and then went to some stores plus I walked along the river. Then I went to my relative's workplace and waited until her shift ended. Then we went to her place. Zero pressure. Zero guilt. Zero worries.

Later we went to town to eat something. Went to a place called Uulits and picked burgers and fries. I also had a glass of wine. No problem. Burger was really good and it was so nice to eat it now, without braces. It was so nice, and so much fun. I also finally tried this Beyond Meat burger patty and it was really next level from regular vegan burgers. Even though I like those as well, but to get this real burger experience was exciting. :D It was difficult to pick a place for dinner, but my relative was really nice and we literally went to EVERY place in old town before I made a decision, haha. :D So I still have difficult time with deciding on things. :D

Then we just chilled, had some drinks (we were in a place called Vein ja vine, which was awesome), talked to some people and so on. Cheese board in a cafe? Done. Wrap in the middle of the night from a petrol station? Done. We went home and got to sleep at like 3 am. And in the morning we got up around 9:30.

Honestly, I opened my eyes and thought that I will not get up. Hangover was there. But I just rested a little more and it passed. We chatted for a while and tried to come up with a place to go and have breakfast at.

We went to Kolm Tilli, I got scrambled eggs with spinach, avocado mash, sourdough bread and a lot of fried mushrooms. And cafe latte. And I enjoyed every bite. But what was the most important - I didn't think of food all the time. We chatted, met up with another person and we just enjoyed life. I had some ice cream as well. Best vegan ice cream I have ever had. With coconut and salted caramel. Amazing. And despite everything I felt so GOOD.

Then we went back home for a moment and later walked to the river, tested out the water and just strolled. We also visited my other relatives who have yound children. I had a coffee. Had some homemade ice cream. Thought that I should plan going back to Tallinn and then suddenly I come out with: hey, I am going to stay another night. :D If I had gone back in the evening, I would have made it home at like 2 am or something, so it seemed more reasonable to go home the next day instead. I planned to go at around 10 in the morning, but that plan failed.

In the evening we went to eat out again (best Chinese EVER, I had crispy vegetables in chilli-honey sauce, like sweet spicy chicken, but veggie version and it was SO GOOD. My last Chinese experience was frozen veggies in soy sauce at Chopsticks, after that I have avoided Chinese places :D), then we went home, made some tea and sat on the rooftop, snacking on some radishes.

We just talked for a long time and I had this Reality Check game with me, we went through the cards and tried to devide them between us. :D It was kind of funny. We told each other stories contacted to the cards, like if there was "the most suspicious person", then one of us told a story about when we felt we were weird etc. :D We also showed each other pictures and videos we had in our phones and time just passed super fast. Suddenly it was almost 1 am and we finally decided to get some sleep. It had gotten a bit cooler outside as well, so we were enjoying it a lot. We had all the windows open and it was soooo nice. :D

The next morning we woke up around the same time and made some pancakes. While I was still laying down, I felt it - really bad anxiety. Like, it was wild. I was tense all over, my heart beat super fast and my mouth was dry. I couldn't think clearly, my thoughts were all over the place and I felt nauseous. Not the hangover feeling, it was just really really bad panic. I really thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. And I didn't know what to do. But at the same time it was good that I wasn't at home alone, because then I would have lost myself inside my head and breaking free would have been much more difficult.

But then I remembered that I forgot to take my medication yesterday and as soon as I took it, in an hour I was completely fine. We had pancakes, both savoury and sweet. I have been wanting pancakes for suuuuucch a long time, so this was perfect. :D I also got to drink NATO emergency food back coffee, it was weird. Looked like a tea bag. :D But it was fine. We talked to my relative's mum and talked to her. We just chilled. Talked a lot about our trips, life and so on. We caught up on all the things we had missed out while we didn't talk for years. We remembered all the old times. And then finally at around 2 pm I took the bus home.

My psychologist told me that when I feel negative, there is an uncomfortable situation or I start to regret my decision, I should think about something good, focus on something else, do the exercise that helps me to stay in present.

But like... I didn't need that. I think there was something that came over me, something called FEELING GOOD. I felt so light, as if I was reborn and I was just like ?????? at myself all the time, because I really felt something other than negative emotions. I was at peace.

I talked to my mum a lot about it when I got home and she just said that normal people feel like this. Is this possible?! Is it really possible not to worry, not to want to kill yourself, not to thing dark thoughts, not to regret things you have done, not to want to CRY ALL THE TIME? Could I really be normal?

I think my braces story starts when I was about 14-15. Then I discovered that my teeth were crooked and bother me when I am eating, I always had to bite in a certain way and also my gums looked terrible. All the dentists I saw kept telling me that they weren't bad enough to get free braces.

When I was still 18 and had free dental care, they still kept saying the same.

When I turned 20 and free dental care ended, all the dentists were surprised that I hadn't gotten braces. Okay. This made me really upset. I guess they know better? I don't know, I used to think I was fine, but I always went to the dentist in my hometown and the quality there wasn't the best. At least I have heard many stories that say so. Okay, what's next?

When I was around 20-21, I got the moulds taken from my teeth, but my parents didn't have enough money to help me get braces. I saved up for a really long time, years and years.

Now later I have realised that my eating disorder also kind of sprung into action due to my teeth. I could change everything about myself - my haircut, my eyes, my clothing style and... my weight. I thought that as I was too poor to get braces, maybe I can make myself more likeable when I weighed less. Then I started getting compliments and comments about that and no one cared about my teeth anymore.

People have always told me that my teeth weren't that bad, that they never noticed them etc. But it just made me sooooo unsure of myself. I had a huge block in talking to new peoplr, I never wanted to talk when someone was taking pictures, I was always the one listening not talking. I just felt disgusting. I cried so much about that. :D Like honestly, it was so difficult and hard.

Then in 2018 I thought that okay, that is enough. I will look up a little about braces. I read a blog about braces and learned about a company called Maxilla. I read a lot of reviews and finally made a plan that yes, I will get my teeth sorted out there. I sent them a mail and asked for an appointment, which would have been... 2021 summer. Nice wait.

Then around 2019 summer the called me and told me that they have a free time in autumn, as someone cancelled their appintment. Would I want that? Of course!

I spent some time at the hospitals and almost forgot about my appointment. Also it appeared that I needed to fix a lof of teeth before gettinf braces, I needed to get rid of my wisdom teeth etc. But I was ready to do it and this is how my journey started. And in 2020 February I finally got braces.

And this time has been really difficult. I had to ware some rubber bands that always got on the way or I lost them. My teeth were aching each time after seeing the doctor, not to mention the money I had to spend. But as soon as I got braces, I already got much more confident. Because finally people saw I was working on fixing my teeth! Yes, I didn't like being on the pictures with braces, because they were big and annoying, but I still started to talk to new people more and get over this block I had with communicating.

It was shocking to see how fast my teeth changed. :D At one point I did wonder why did I have to wear the braces for so long, if I could already see the result. :D But yeah, this journey was long.

And now finally I am free from braces! Every time I pass a mirror I stop and look at my teeth and smile a lot. I would like to walk with my mouth hanging open all the time. I want people to see my smile. Finally sayings like "smile!" and "you have a nice smile" don't make me upset. This seems like something positive. Like... it has been a huge change. Both mentally and physically.

My journey is not over yet, as I have to wear the invisalign things that are really annoying. Also there are wires behind my teeth that stay there and help me not lose my nice smile. I am not used to them yet, but I hope it passes soon. Actually getting used to these things happen quite fast.

I wanted to write a lot longer post and explain things more, but... I just wanted to say that I am happy with the result and it was worth it!

When someone says my teeth wasn't crooked - I couldn't even eat normally.

On Thursday I had my psychologist appointment, where I just cried. Everything was just too much and I don't want to exist. It is difficult to live like this. We did some breathing exercises together and then she made me drink water, because it was really hot and I did cry a lot.

We came to a realisation that I have trouble with making decisions. I always want to make the "right" choice. But what is it? She said that with every choice, there is something I like and something I don't. This can't be helped. It is not possible to make a right choice and everything turn out to be perfect. It just isn't.

I wondered for a long time if I should go to my relative's place in Tartu or let myself be alone. Because I wanted both. And I know that if I go, I will definitely think at least once that I wish that I was home alone, but if I don't go, I will regret it.

Anyway, my doctor said that this would be a good exercise. Like even if I get negative thoughts, I can bring myself back to reality and be grateful for what is important. I will see someone close to me, I can talk, I see some of Estonia, I get outside etc. And I need to focus on these things.

I still don't feel any emotions. Or like, if I do, they are mostly negative. I am sad a lot. Mostly because everything seems to pointless and awful and I HATE this life. My psychologist is super positive and keeps telling me that we are trying to fix this and we are on our way. We shall see. :D I have some doubts, because I have been suffering with this depression for half of my life and it HAS NOT GOTTEN BETTER. Yes, I have had some better periods, but these are not IT, I still haven't really felt anything and argh, this just makes me annoyed and upset. I would like to know what does happy mood, happiness, excitement, positive nervousness etc feel like. Instead I get all of those negative things that are not helpful to anyone and make people worry about me. And I have also understood that no one else can make me happy. It needs to come from within. And if you are not at peace withy yourself, you can't make others happy as well.

What else... I ordered some vegan bbq meat from Vegan Gourmet for midsummer day and I will pick some up from the store as well. I am going to Viljandi for midsummer, I haven't done that in years. We shall see who else is going to be there. I just feel like I need to TRY and communicate a little more with my family. And like the psychologist said - if I can't do a lot, I can try a little. I can come back to Tallinn sooner, I don't have to stay for super long time etc. I can just go for a little bit and it is fine.

And my mum also said that there aren't right coices. But that there aren't wrong choices either. Which is true, I guess. I really like sharing everything here after my appointments, because I will remember stuff better this way. :D

But yeah, in general Thursday was very hard for me. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was just super tired. But I don't know how to rest.

I just really hope now that it will be nice in Tartu and I don't have to think too much and can just enjoy life. Also, for example on Wednesday my friend wrote to me and asked if I am up for a meeting. And my first reaction was of course "no, I have planned my day". But I wasn't really booked, it was just difficult to do something without knowing the plan in advance. So I thought that hey, I just wrote to my blog that I want to do something unexpected and agreed to meeting him. And it was interestinf. Like, nice. I think. It was nice to talk and sit and just be. Something normal. So thank you.

Again I don't have any idea what to write about, but I thought I will jot down something about my last few days. Like for example on Saturday my parents and grandma came over, because the latter really wanted to see our own homes.

At first I had MAX stress over them coming, because I am just tired. I have a vacation and I just want to be and not talk to anyone and I keep worrying ahead. But it was actually kind of nice. Luckily they didn't stay for too long either, because it takes a wile to drive back to Viljandi and I could enjoy my evening, which consisted of me going to the store. :D At least I could walk a bit.

At first we met up at my sister's place, I started cooking in the morning of course. Actually I woke up at 6 am already, even without an alarm and then at half past eight I went to the gym. :D I knew that there weren't going to be many people and I thought I can try out all the machines. I did, at the moment my arms and back are a bit sore, but it feels nice. I am so proud of myself that I finally started using the weights and stuff, it was really fun. And made me feel really good.

And then around 8:30 I left the gym and went home to cook. At sister's place, I prepared some chacutterie boards for snacking and I also made dinner, because we were supposed to come and have it at my place.

Everyone wew like WOW, when they saw what I had prepared and all the things were eaten (mostly thanks to me). :D It was nice to chat and just sit around. I have a lot of moments where I am really stressed in advance and when the even happens, everything is different and normal. Of course I overate a little, but I knew that would happen as well.

Only picture I took during the eating. Soy mince with tomato sauce and all the other good things.

Then at one point I came home and prepared the salad, before others came over. We looked through my flat and I got such nice cups from my grandma! She said that as I drink a lot of tea, she thought about giving me mugs. :D And I also got some money, as I really need to get a new oven. I have already picked out the one I want. :) I really am looking forward to being able to properly bake, my gas oven just burns the food. At the moment I can use my air fryer when I need to make something, so I am not in that much hurry, but still, I would like to get a proper oven as well. Especially because I am planning to live in this flat for a long time. And I can't wait to bake bread again too, not to mention make cakes sometimes. For work or when someone is coming over.

On Sunday I wanted to go to the gym at 8 in the morning and I had my alarm set, but I just left it at that. I had one cocktail too much last night and I was so tired and felt awful, so I just stayed in bed for 4 more hours, doing nothing.

And I thought that... these days after overeating are actually nice. Because I finally don't feel hungry when I wake up and I could not have any food for the whole day. Of course I had breakfast, lunch and dinner still, because I knew I had to eat, but I wasn't constantly thinking about food for a change. It usually is on my mind constantly and it is really annoying. I don't even know if I like food, I just like the process of eating. It is part of my day. I usually always watch something and just eat. I don't know, will I ever get rid of this addiction? Don't normal people want to snack ALL the fucking time?

I talked to a friend about having a food addiction. There are people who like food and then there are us - to quote - freaks. This is so true. :D At the moment I have found myself some other things to do and people to hang out with, so my focus has changed a bit. But I still think about wanting to be at home for 90% of the time when I am with someone. This is not okay. I feel really bad about it, but I can't... help it.

And now, coming back to food - I just went to the store and discovered a new sugar free lemonade. It tastes like the old classic, I had to get it. :D It was really good (I also got some vegan ice cream).

I haven't really done anything with my vacation, I have met a few friends and that's about it. I really enjoyed Friday, because I had zero things I needed to do, so I was my own boss. I didn't feel the pressure of being somewhere or doing something. I don't like watching the clock and thinking oh now I have to go somewhere or whatever. I always keep thinking about "oh I need to get going in two hours". And then one etc. I feel like it ruins my whole day.

I am weird like this - every time when I have to meet someone, I tell people they should warn me 3-5 working days in advance, so I could mentally prepare myself. But when the time comes, I still don't want to do anything. Also I prefer doing things in the mornings, I feel like I am getting rid of the responsibility and I can plan rest of the day myself.

And all in all, I would actually like if people were like "let's do something right now". Then I don't have to feel this "I have to get going soon" emotion, which is really tiring for me. I don't know, I just can't find the middle path, I don't know what to do. I used to think I wanted to be more spontaneous, but then at the next moment I am against it again. Maybe it could be a good new challenge? Where I don't plan anything and just go with the flow. But at the same time I can't tell my friends that hey, I am having this challenge today, please ask me out or something. That would be planning. :D Õõõh. My life is not interesting as well so there aren't many things happening.

At the moment when I am writing this post, it is Sunday evening and I am going to the cinema soon. I want to go, but at the same time I am thinking of I want to stay hoooome. Like, I don't know. :D And it is also true that when I am making plans, I am excited, but I don't want to go through with them. Annoying as fuck.

For tomorrow I have a plan, for Tuesday as well (I am getting rid of my braces!), for Wednesday as well, for Thursday and Friday and Saturday as well... It is actually tiring. :D I think that I need to cancel something, because I feel like I need my own time as well. :D But I am always afraid that if I say I can't go somewhere, the person or people don't ask me to come the next time. Because they think I will cancel again. Psychologist keeps telling me that it is fine, but I think it is still a problem, because I want to cancel things EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I just suffer, to make other happy. And I understand I need to force myself sometimes, because otherways I couldn't get anything done. But likeeeeeee. Do I need to move into the mountains, take a sheep and two chickens and then hike all day? It actually does sound like a dream. :D

This is why I kind of liked corona time and lockdown, because I didn't have any responsibilities. I could just say "I don't dare at the moment" and everyone accepted it, haha. But I know this kind of thing sucks. I just, yeah, feel really depressed recently. Even though I know all the things that are coming up are actually nice. In theory. Often it is also the opposite - I don't want to do something, then I still follow up on it and instead of having fun I just suffer. I would like to be someone who likes hanging out with others, walk around and do things, I want not to stress over everything. I can't wait to see my psychologist, because I have a feeling I need to talk about this with her. Like what do I need to do?

I feel like crying writing this. Like honestly. I feel so uncomfortable and disgusting and heavy, I just want to go to bed and not think about anything. Maybe it is depression that is telling this. My dad also surprised me yet again: you have a depression because you don't get enough vitamin D. Not like I take it every day. And spend so much time in the sun. Or eat foods with vitamin D, right...

Anyway yes, I don't know. I am trying and trying to write my thoughts down here, but it is not too successful. Only things that offer me something are going to the gym, walking around and eating, but like, I can't keep living like this. :D Even though I would do only these things. And sometimes blog.

I kind of think I would like to do some free work for smeone. Share something in my blog. Try out some products. Write music reviews. But at the same time I can see these posts are not doing that well. Food related posts are doing the best. :D But if I write about music, I get so few clicks and I would like to share more what you would like to see.

I should take on another long challenge like I did with the tea. For example cheeses. I could write about 100 different cheese. Or... sodas, energy drinks. Or something like that. Porridge. Are there 100 different types of porridge? Maybe I should try it. :D At the moment I have three different porridges at home, so if you would like to read about porridge, let me know. Even though it would really take a long time, because it takes a while to get through a bag. Even if I have it every morning. Or maybe I could write about cereal? My latest obsession...

I would like to be a cat. Motu is sleeping here next to me and he doesn't have any worries. Good dry food, he is getting canned food two times a day, he has water and sometimes gets cat milk as well... he is happy to play with tapestry, if he wants to work out, he just runs around a little, climbs on the wall, he has a soft cat bed, there are a lot of blankets everywhere... amazing, isn't it? Why can't I be a cat?

Or a dog! I am afraid of dogs, but just think how nice they have it. They can go for walks for hours, people take pictures of them, passer bys say that they look super cute and there is no laziness or such. Anyway, I will talk about this to my doctor when I next see her.

Went to see Cruella at the cinem, it was quite good. I haven't been to the cinema in over two years. It was nice for a change. Now I am going to the cinema again. I will see if I add anything here later or not. Or tomorrow morning. It depends on how tired I am, because I would like to sleep now already...

And like, I don't know. I don't want to tell how I felt at the cinema yesterdy. Because it sucked. Movie was good, but I suck. I just cannot. I want to vanish, because then I wouldn't have to cancel plans or just be. At the moment I feel like I want to throw my router out from the window, break my phone and just be alone until the end of my vacation.

I didn't really even think about doing this challenge, because I am more of a sweets person. But then I was wondering what I could do for one day and decided to try this challenge after all. Besides, if I am completely honest, I grew tired of my morning porridge for a change. :D I think starting from the next day I will be back at it, but I still gave it a shot. Besides, I love a good challenge.

Breakfast

I thought about it for a long time. I Googled so many recipes, but finally I was like... I can just make something simple. So I made some scrambled eggs with mushrooms and cheese. And I got SUPER full. I made the scramble with four eggs, because I didn't really have anything on the side and I wanted to be well fed. It was good. :D Also interesting that when I have my sweet porridge in the mornings, I am always like, okay, this is done, when is it lunch again. :D But at the moment I am just really full.

Had some pickles on the side. Because sometimes I get these cravings for pickles or sauerkraut or something like this and I had this in the fridge luckily this time.

Of course I had it with a lot of ketchup and mayo, because withput these things it is not possible to have eggs. :D Unless you use eggs to top your sandwiches, but even then I often add mayo.

Anyway, it was super strange. During eating I thought that I wish I had made porridge, but at the same time it was still nice as well. My vacation also just started and I slept in a little, it was nice to make something more interesting for breakfast. I thought about many things, like savoury pastries and bagels and everything, but I didn't want to spend THAT much time on making breakfast.

We shall see how long I stay full, but I have a feeling it will be quite a bit. :D

And then at one point I started getting ideas about missing lunch, because I was still full and I had a lot of snacks planned and my weight was higher this morning, but at the same time I wondered why. What was the point? I need to eat anyway and I need to gain some more weight and get my period back.

It was surprising that when I stepped on the scale and saw a bigger number, I thought that who even cares. It is just a number. So sometimes there are days like this and I feel like these are coming to me more and more and it is amazing.

Now I should do something useful, for example go for a walk, but at the moment I feel kind of... tired. I am full and I am wondering that maybe I will instead have another coffee and postpone going for a walk... but I would like to get some steps in, because later I am going to get my vaccine and I want to have my lunch at peace. And I can't be without walking at the same time.

Today would be a good day to start some step challenge, as I am writing this post on the first of June. But at the same time I can't be bothered. I don't want this walking to become an obsession again, I have been trying to get rid of this habit. Like, I guess I still walk more than a normal person, but at least I don't feel like I NEED to hit a step goal every frigging day. I am doing another challenge at the minute as well though that has something to do with steps, haha. :D But we shall see when I finish it, as it doesn't really have an end date.

It is weird to be at home while others are working. I just checked the time and thought that it is in the middle of our meeting and I am sitting at home, having coffee and just chilling. Me and my best friend usually send each other outfit pictures and when she sent me one this morning, I was like... why is she going to work on Saturday, hahaha. :D

On Wednesday she is coming to my place, we are ordering some food and something. Yesterday it was really tough day mentally, even though it went well at work etc. I managed to write a lot of analytical text and my boss was really pleased, it was nice.

I should actually do some more studying, because time is flying by and soon I need to apply to the uni... should look up when it is exactly.

Talking more about food, I think today will be perfect day of eating. Enough protein, fats and carbs. I haven't counted the calories, but it seems to be a day where I have enough of all macros, though the snack ruins it a little. :D

I have been thinking about posting more about what I eat in a day? Would it be helpful or would it make you compare yourself to me and make you feel guilty? I have both emotions when I see posts like this - sometimes it is good to see what others are having and you get some good ideas, but if someone eats very little, I immediately think that oh no, I am having too much of something. I will think about it more. Or I don't know, I should make similar challenge as today's again. But now I don't know what is next, spicy foods? :D Why not... though I am afraid my taste buds would be like Signe what the fuck are you doing, haha. :D

I finally managed to translate some posts to my English blog, even though I am still very much behind. But I have more readers in my Estonian blog. Though there are some people who read this as well and they say I write well, though I have my doubts... I don't really have any plans for my post, I just write down whatever I am thinking about. So this is why my style is really jumpy, from one topic to other. :D

There is another challenge I would like to do - 24 hours without social media. It sometimes makes me really stressed and anxious. Especially when I open my FB messenger and there are several new messages from several people. I don't want to be rude and not answer, but sometimes it is just too much and I don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to communicate. I feel like recently there have been so many social events and I am tired, I need some SPACE. Both in my life and in my head. So maybe today I will ignore people more. But well, maybe I should have warned them in advance, haha. :D But as my psychologist said, it is fine not to answer or read the message right away.

It really bothers me when I am listening to the music and walking and someone writes to me - I get annoyed at the notification. And then I feel like I need to answer etc. Annoying.

But okay, I managed to write down everything about breakfast, let's wait for lunch now. Even though I am still really full.

Lunch

For lunch I made tomato-basil soup and on the side I had rye bread with herbed butter. Of course my first thought was to skip the bread, but then I was like - soup alone is so sad. So I had it as well. I had a piece of seeded rye bread left, I toasted it and it was really good.

Actually by the time I had food, I wasn't even hungry yet, like, at all. But I still thought that it is the right time to eat.

I had an energy drink as well. My friend got me addicted and now a day doesn't pass when I don't have it. This sucks, especially because my Coke and Pepsi addiction is also very real still. But I only had one coffee on this day, so it was fine considering.

I would have liked posting this all to Instagram during the day, but I held myself back, because I didn't want to give clue what challenge I am doing. :D But yeah, when I added up all the calories I ate, it was a lot over what I spent.

Dinner

For dinner I made mayo salad with salmon and ginger. I really love pickled ginger, I could literally have it with any food. Pizza with ginger? Why not. Even to my breakfast porridge I usually add grounded ginger, because I just love it so much.

I remember that once a long time ago my aunt gave me ginger in sugar coating and I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever - oh how times have changed. :D

Anyway dinner was very good and each time I make this salad I feel like a rich person. :D Salmon is not cheap at all. I also had a lot of salad, I usually buy a bag with 120-150 grams of leaves, add a whole container of cherry tomatoes, whole bell pepper and whole cucumber. Then I mix it all with mayo, add some seasonings and top it with salmon and ginger. This is probably one of my favourite meals and it is super fast and easy to make. And I think it is delicious. I love all kinds of salads in general.

As a snack, or, well, dessert, I had a bag of Estrella cheese flavoured crisps. The proper ones. I am always reminded by my childhood when I have them, we ALWAYS ate them with the family while watching a movie or when I played school with my sister. But this time the whole bag was mine and you bet I finished everything. :D I can't open a thing and then not have it all. I thought about making a combination of different crisps, like a plate of three or something, but it was just a thought.

I also had a whole big bottle of Fanta Zero, because I really wanted it and it was on sale. So I had a very yellow snack. :D

At first, when I told my sister about this challenge idea, she recommended me to have savoury drinks as well - savoury mineral water etc. She even looked up savoury cocktails like Bloody Mary, which I, in fact, have never tried. :D I would kind of like to try it, even though I hate tomato juice. But I would like to try everything once. :D

I had a lot of guilty emotions, because I didn't have an appetite, I was just so full. And then on the next day when I stepped on the scale, I had gained a whole kilo. Only now when I am writing this I am thinking that it was probably because of salt - it makes you retain water.

In general this was quite a fard challenge for me, because I really wanted watermelon or grapes, but if I do a challenge, I won't back off. So I finished the challenge without cheating.

Now today is Wednesday and my best friend is coming over. I am really stressed over food. I have been eating well - two meals and some snacks, but I KNOW tonight is going to be bad. At first I had a plan of making falafels in the air fryer, and fries, but I wanted another challenge and we decided to have a pizza from a place called VIBEZ that is super close to my flat. And we will have a few drinks too.

I don't know yet what I am going to take, there are so many things I want. But at the same time I am not even hungry, so I don't want anything at all. I had lunch a bit too late, but I wanted to walk around a little to calm myself down from the higher weight I saw this morning.

Also yesterday I got my first vaccination, Pfizer. I booked the first time I could and I had to go to the other side of Tallinn for it. But it was nice. :D Doctors and nurses and everyone were super sweet and adorable.

So, here are our pizzas. I got herbivore pizza and my best friend had ch-ch-cheese pizza. Both were really good, and we were lucky, as we liked out own ones the best.

It is weird to be on a vacation and blog, I keep forgetting I need to post. But now it is done. :D

Tomorrow my parents and grandma are coming to Tallinn to have a housewarming party with us. I am going to make food and all this. I am a bit stressed over it. Lately I have very hard time mentally. And today is the first day when I don't have any plans. But it is so freeing. I don't have to do anything or meet anyone or go anywhere. I would like to have more days like this during my vacation, but oh well, tomorrow is already "ruined". I am gain at the spot that my psychologist calls worrying ahead, but what can I do. I really about 80% of the time worry about the future. And then 15% I think about the past and then there is only 5% left for the present...

Before I review the vegan products, I wanted to write about... Stephanie Buttermore.  Honestly, if I could get an euro each time someone with an eating disorder talks about her, I would be super rich.

Her theory and logic is that if you go all in during your recovery, eat as much as you want, whatever you want and don't restrict, then your body reaches it's natural set point, you won't gain any more weight and it becomes stable and all that.

But is it like that? I mean, there are A LOT of dangerously overweight people in the world. Is this their set point then? They need to be morbidly obese? Like people in those my 600 lbs life show etc. Are they meant to be like this? They shouldn't be healthy?

Aslo sge breaches eating whatever you want. Like, in theory I like this idea. That I can have pizza, a bag of crisps, ice cream, sweets, chocolates, peanuts etc. But... it will bring a lot of problems. Firstly, well... you don't get enough vitamins and minerals etc. If you only have cereal, 10 bags of crisps and cheese then I don't know, it is not very balanced.

Yes, I eat quite a lot of junk food, but if you follow me on Instragam or somewhere, you probably also have noticed I eat quite a bit of vegetables and fruits and stuff.

Also honestly I do not believe she lost all that weight "naturally", because her body understood it was safe and did it automatically. And I don't think her apetite went down. :) I just don't, sorry if you do. Like... try this technic if you want to. But I just think that... it makes no sense, sorry. :D Considering her past and how she has always fooled her audience, saying oh look I eat so much and never gain any weight... and then later coming out saying sorry I really restricted to make those 10 000 calorie cheat days... I think you understand where I am going with it. :D

And no, I don't think her message is all bad. During recovering from an eating disorder (also she has never said she has or had one) you NEED to gain weight and it is OKAY to eat junk food and eat as much as you want to. But this rest of the logic about set point weight and stuff is what bothers me. And all this lying and things she has done in the past. I think it is super problematic. And I have a feeling if anyone tries this, they will end up massively overweight and think why it didn't work for them. And Buttermore can say hey, sorry, your set point is just high. She has made herself clear.

But yeah, in general I let you decide for yourself, I just saw another post about her yesterday and I flipped and wanted to get my emotions out. :D I don't know, argue with me if you want to. This is what I believe. :D

But here are all the new vegan products I tried in Estonia in May:

Oatly šokolaadi kaerajook (Oatly chocolate oatmilk)

At the moment I am really addicted to cocoa and chocolate milk coffee, so I am continuing with trying those products. :D I think Alpro used to have one with dark chocolate, but I haven't seen it anywhere recently... :( But this Oatly one was really good. I have been wanting to try it for a while already, but it has more calories than some others. Thus I have been too scared. But now I did it! And it was worth it. It was really nice and creamy and fit perfect for my coffee. It is also good to just drink by itself. Whenever I made coffee, I just sipped a little just by itself as well. :D I think I liked it more than chocolate soy milk. In general very good! 9/10.

Laky kartulikotlett metsaseentega (Laky potato burger with mushrooms)

I think this is my new favourite product by them. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to try it out. I really liked it, even more than the one with cabbage filling. They also now have vegan cabbage rolls, which is my next thing to try. Anyway, nice texture, taste and a good filling meal. 9/10.

Laky kapsarullid köögiviljadega (Laky cabbage rolls with vegetables)

I love cabbage rolls. Especially the ones my Grandma makes, these are so good. Or well, were, when I ate them. I have been to lazy to make them myself though and when I saw a post about this product in Facebook vegan group, I was in heaven. I went to the store three times in order to get them, they were always out of stock. But it was worth it! Honestly, really nice. Seasoned super well. A bit greasy, but it didn't bother me really. I am not so scared of oil any more! 8/10.

Taffeli kartulikrõpsud rosmariini, tüümiani ja roseepipraga (Taffel postato crisps with rosemary, thyme and pink pepper)

I hate thyme so much and I was really suspicious about this product. But they were in the vegan subscription box. Finally at my birthday I opened them and everyone liked them, me as well. At the same time it wasn't something I would buy myself again. But I am glad I tried them and for example I am a huge fan of rosemary! 6/10.

Bon Soya tofu kroket ürtidega (Bon Soya tocu croquet with herbs)

I had them as a side to potato salad on my birthday and I think they were quite... dry? And not very seasoned. But at the same time they were good with dip and the next day we had them with ketcup and mayo and they were good. Not the worst. :D But if I would get another ball thingies, I would pick falafels or something like that. But for this I would give 5/10, not my favourite, but still edible. :D

Marta Pagari bataadipallid (Marta Pagar sweet potato balls)

I had been wanting to try those for SOOO long, but again, calories were scary. I got them for my birthday party and I loved them though. Others also liked them and they asked what exactly are those. :D Sweet potato is still one of my favourite foods and these were super good. Would definitely get again! 9/10.

Scotti šokolaadi kaerapiim (Scotti chocolate oatmilk)

They only have it in few stores unfortunately. But I really like it, though I think soy milk with chocolate is better than this. But it was nice, creamy and went well with the coffee. Also it is nice to have as hot chocolate. I think it is better than Oatly one though, but who knows. 8/10.

Alpro banaanimaitseline sojajook (Alpro banana soy milk)

I don't know what happened to me, but I decided to have it with coffee... I was tired of all the chocolate, so I thought it was going to be a good idea. It tasted like very artifical banana, but it was just sweet in coffee. I would never buy it again, but at least I have tried it now. 4/10.

Veganic porgandi-kapsa šnitsel (Veganic carrot-cabbage burger)

I hadn't had it in a long time so it was good to try it again. I don't think I have reviewed it previously. I really wanted some vegan burgers and this was really good with mayo and ketchup. I really liked it, but it is a bit pricy. 8/10.

Marta Pagari falafelid (Marta Pagar falafels)

These were amazing. They are frozen and I think they were better than just cold ones, a bit more juicy. These are always dry and need some kind of sauce, but these were just good even without. Usually they are quite expensive though, but I grabbed them during the sale. I would give them 9/10.