On Friday after work I met up with a friend and we discussed my situation for a bit. He knows everything about it - we were together at the hospital in Tallinn and know each other for quite a while. This is nice. I don't feel like fuck, it is a new person, I need to explain how my situation is and how crappy I am feeling. :D

Anyway, our conversation ended with an agreement - I will gain 2.5 kgs by the end of the mnoth and he loses 2.5 kgs by the end of July. It is kind of bad, losing weight and all - I want to do that do. I is somehow coded into my brain. But at the same time... this agreement is a good challenge and as you can see from this blog, I am sucker for a good challenge. :D So there is hope. And I have been really trying my best!

My weight has... gone up, but then stayed the same. At first I was happy about it, like yay, I am doing better, but when I talked to my friend I understood that it needs to constantly go up. I can't stay at slightly higher weight for forever. Yeah, it is good that it has not gone back down, but it is not ENOUGH. So I have been taking active steps to do something about it. :)

We also talked a little about my blogging and the fact that great that I am writing down my struggles and thoughts but at the same time... I need to make progress. I can't keep going on about the same thing for forever. I do feel it myself - I have been ranting about the same thing a lot. I want this to become my success stroy. I want people to see that recovery is possible...

For example I came across this one instagram post where someone wrote that see, recovery is possible and that she is super happy. It made me happy as well and I want to be in this position myself. At least I am not believing that it is possible. A lot of people have showed me this. I want to become an example myself. I want to be in a position where I am happy and that I could look back at this time and think that, damn, this was bad time, I am so glad I am not there anymore. :D

But yeah, I will try to keep you up to date with how I am doing regarding gaining weight. :D I think we should also set up a prize for the one that finishes the challenge. I guess the result itself is enough as well, but there could be something that is motivating even more... how about that the winner has to buy the other one a drink? :D I will suggest it. Also the challenge is good because it makes us get together again, as sometimes this gap between our meetings became too long.

I showed him a picture from the time when I was around 55 kgs. I think this is one of my favourite pictures ever, and it is a good thing to look back to it. I always thought that I was so happy then and that I want to get back there. :D I even thought that maybe I should set it as my background for my phone hahhaa. :D But I can show you this at least.

Today I will face a huge challenge, I am going to a fast food burger place (similar to McDonalds) and I am going to take a BIG MEAL DEAL with BIG FRIES. I haven't had fries in... I don't know how long. Honestly, I can't remember. :D No, actually I do! Two years ago I was at the Flow festical and I was really hungry at one point and just got fries with ketchup. :D So... two years. Or actually three in August. Oh boy.

Trying out vegan things is also going well, by today I have done it for a week straight. I am thinking of trying some more and then writing about the products on Friday.

I have gotten some recommendations, but I wouldn't mind some more. :D So I am looking forward to your suggestions.

I am also kind of looking forward to my sister coming back to Tallinn - I will start dragging her around in restaurants and cafes. I guess it will be a bit expensive, but come on, it is summer and sometimes it is okay to spend some money on yourself.

In general with an eating disorder, saving up is a huge thing. I never feel like "wasting" money on food. It is kind of funny. But it feels so unnecessary. A lot of the time I add something to my basket and then at the last minute I put it back, thinking that I don't really need this or that. I feel like I shouldn't waste money and I need to save and so on. But at the same time, money comes and goes and I want to enjoy life and a big part of life is food.

I had another thought but I kind of lost it...

My five tibetian challenge has gone very wrong. Every day I start and then on the next day I miss out. :D But at the same time I feel like maybe I should just do some stretching or flexibility exercises. Just for like ten minutes. I even have a favourite video for a stretching routine: