Agreement

11:10:00 PM

On Friday after work I met up with a friend and we discussed my situation for a bit. He knows everything about it - we were together at the hospital in Tallinn and know each other for quite a while. This is nice. I don't feel like fuck, it is a new person, I need to explain how my situation is and how crappy I am feeling. :D

Anyway, our conversation ended with an agreement - I will gain 2.5 kgs by the end of the mnoth and he loses 2.5 kgs by the end of July. It is kind of bad, losing weight and all - I want to do that do. I is somehow coded into my brain. But at the same time... this agreement is a good challenge and as you can see from this blog, I am sucker for a good challenge. :D So there is hope. And I have been really trying my best!

My weight has... gone up, but then stayed the same. At first I was happy about it, like yay, I am doing better, but when I talked to my friend I understood that it needs to constantly go up. I can't stay at slightly higher weight for forever. Yeah, it is good that it has not gone back down, but it is not ENOUGH. So I have been taking active steps to do something about it. :)

We also talked a little about my blogging and the fact that great that I am writing down my struggles and thoughts but at the same time... I need to make progress. I can't keep going on about the same thing for forever. I do feel it myself - I have been ranting about the same thing a lot. I want this to become my success stroy. I want people to see that recovery is possible...

For example I came across this one instagram post where someone wrote that see, recovery is possible and that she is super happy. It made me happy as well and I want to be in this position myself. At least I am not believing that it is possible. A lot of people have showed me this. I want to become an example myself. I want to be in a position where I am happy and that I could look back at this time and think that, damn, this was bad time, I am so glad I am not there anymore. :D

But yeah, I will try to keep you up to date with how I am doing regarding gaining weight. :D I think we should also set up a prize for the one that finishes the challenge. I guess the result itself is enough as well, but there could be something that is motivating even more... how about that the winner has to buy the other one a drink? :D I will suggest it. Also the challenge is good because it makes us get together again, as sometimes this gap between our meetings became too long.

I showed him a picture from the time when I was around 55 kgs. I think this is one of my favourite pictures ever, and it is a good thing to look back to it. I always thought that I was so happy then and that I want to get back there. :D I even thought that maybe I should set it as my background for my phone hahhaa. :D But I can show you this at least.

In general the time that this picture is taken was the time when I felt the best. I enjoyed things, being with people, eating. I didn't worry about stuff and I could live in the moment. Both mentally and physically I want to be back there. Can't wait.


Today I will face a huge challenge, I am going to a fast food burger place (similar to McDonalds) and I am going to take a BIG MEAL DEAL with BIG FRIES. I haven't had fries in... I don't know how long. Honestly, I can't remember. :D No, actually I do! Two years ago I was at the Flow festical and I was really hungry at one point and just got fries with ketchup. :D So... two years. Or actually three in August. Oh boy.

Trying out vegan things is also going well, by today I have done it for a week straight. I am thinking of trying some more and then writing about the products on Friday.

I have gotten some recommendations, but I wouldn't mind some more. :D So I am looking forward to your suggestions.

I am also kind of looking forward to my sister coming back to Tallinn - I will start dragging her around in restaurants and cafes. I guess it will be a bit expensive, but come on, it is summer and sometimes it is okay to spend some money on yourself.

In general with an eating disorder, saving up is a huge thing. I never feel like "wasting" money on food. It is kind of funny. But it feels so unnecessary. A lot of the time I add something to my basket and then at the last minute I put it back, thinking that I don't really need this or that. I feel like I shouldn't waste money and I need to save and so on. But at the same time, money comes and goes and I want to enjoy life and a big part of life is food.

I had another thought but I kind of lost it...

My five tibetian challenge has gone very wrong. Every day I start and then on the next day I miss out. :D But at the same time I feel like maybe I should just do some stretching or flexibility exercises. Just for like ten minutes. I even have a favourite video for a stretching routine:



I thought that I will try and do this for several days in a row, maybe I can stick to it better. :D Also in general she has a lot of good workout videos. At the moment I am not working out though, I am trying to rest more.

Oh yes, I have been trying to limit my walking. I used to walk around a lot, but now I have put on some music at home, cleaned the flat or done something else. For example I have been doing some colouring and connecting dots/numbers and so on. It is a good way to distract yourself. Sometimes I still get the urge to go and walk, but it will usually pass. At first it was really difficult, but practice helps.

Sometimes I do give up and go out for a walk, but I am glad to see it is not that often any more and recently the motivation to do this is nice weather and fresh air, not the urge to move. :)

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3 comments

  1. This is such a good feels read! Happy to hear all your thoughts here. You're doing great with all the challenges!

    One thing I will recommend is Yin yoga, it is very low impact and does wonders for flexibility. I haven't found any good resource on YouTube, but once you learn the poses, you can design your own flows by your preferences very easily. It is very relaxing, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, this sounds exactly like something I would need. I will look into it!

      Delete
  2. This is such a good feels read! Happy to hear all your thoughts here. You're doing great with all the challenges!

    One thing I will recommend is Yin yoga, it is very low impact and does wonders for flexibility. I haven't found any good resource on YouTube, but once you learn the poses, you can design your own flows by your preferences very easily. It is very relaxing, too.

    ReplyDelete

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