I Won't Quote

I wondered for a while (again) what to write about. And then I discovered that I don't need to have a topic every time or try to teach people or explain things. I can just write about how I am feeling, what I am thinking, what is bothering me. What are my small wins and if there have been any relapses. I can write about whatever!

It is my last day at work before my vacation. I baked some muffins - banana, blackcurrant and chocolate ones. I really hope others like it, but I am a bit scared, as I didn't add too much sugar, I focused on bananas and chocolate and that they are sweet enough. But I can say that I liked them and... it was a big challenge. A huge one. But finally, three months after thinking about it, I baked them! I combined my friend's recipe and one that I found online. But they came out really fluffy and nice. And the smell... was amazing. I could still smell it in the morning. :D

Okay, now about my short term goals. Going over them to see if I have stuck to them. For example I wanted to add something extra to my porridge every day... and I did it. Today morning I had a fight with myself, about if I want to add cinnamon (safer choice) or cocoa. And I still picked cocoa, regardless of the fact that my weight has gone up by 100 grams again. And really, I have added something to my porridge every day. This feels so nice! And the taste has been nice and it is a good change to regular porridge. :D I should add kama again, I love kama (kama is Estonian national food actually, you can read more about it here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kama_(food)). I made yoghurt with kama and blueberries the other day and it was so good.

This week's vegan product was recommended by someone on my Instagram. This is coconut-mango yoghurt. It was very sweet, maybe even a bit too much, but I liked it. It also had proper mango chuncks in it, which is always a plus. I would give it 7/10!

My third goal was to have a savoury snack, which I didn't do this week, because I am more of a sweets person. :D But actually, I sort of did it! My mum came to Tallinn on Wednesday and in the evening we went out for food. And after this we went to the store and got garlic rye bread snacks and dip. Due to this, my yesterday was really really difficult and it felt that I had had too much food and I felt guilty all day. Today I am feeling a bit better already, but yesterday it was really tough. I just didn't know what to do with myself and I felt so freaking uncomfortable. But I still had all my meals and snacks. I have a deal with my sister that I will take a picture of every single meal and send it to them. She is not back in Viljandi too, but I want to be held accountable.

Regarding Viljandi... I am scaref of my vacation. I don't like when things are out of routine and I can't do what I want.

I decided to go to Viljandi on Sunday to visit my parents. It is in general quite stressful, because our own relationships are really bad sometimes, but I haven't been at my parents' since May and my dad is asking when I come every single day. All the berries are ready in the garden and we are also already getting some tomatoes and cucumbers. My mum brought some raspberries and blackcurrants and my breakfasts have been extra nice thanks to those.

Anyway on Tuesday we are going to Muhu island, then to Saaremaa island and then on Wedensday to Hiiumaa island. We have this summer trip thingy with my mum and sister every year. At the moment we are planning to have ice creams in a special shop at Muhu, then go to ostrich farm and to adventure park. In Saaremaa I want to see the coastline, visit Kaali crater and see the castle. And just enjoy walking around. In Hiiumaa I want to see Estonia's desert and Eifel tower copy... and see the lighthouses of course. But we don't have a set plan yet.

I need to do some research and see places where we could eat in Saaremaa-Hiiumaa. I need to find a place that has vegetarian options for me, but fish and meat options for my sister and mum, as they refuse to go to all vegan place.

But with this... I am really scaref of vacation. This being out of my regular rhythm, eating out, not moving enough and all that... this is so much. And when I am worrying about food, I can't enjoy the moments. Like when my mum came to Tallinn - it was really hard for me to focus on spending time with her, because I kept thinking that we are going out for a meal and then I thought that we are going to snack a lot and... my focus was on food all the time. I want to get rid of it already. I don't know. It is difficult. I am scared. Of course I hope and tell myself that everything will be fine and it won't be that bad, but I am still scared it will be tough. Oeh...

How about some new goals?

1. I am still going to try a new vegan product each week!
2. I will try to enjoy my vacation and not focus on food. I want to really see, if I get the moments where I can focus on something else and not worry. I feel like they are within reach, but they are yet so far. Just... keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, maybe it will help. :D
3. I will break my routine and not follow three meals and four snacks plan during my vacation. I will try to eat when others are eating or when I feel hungry. I am not saying I will stick to it for forever, but I want to try and do this during my vacation.

But yeah, I have a lot of fear in me and I can't think logically.

I don't know if you have felt it, but there are different kinds of hunger. One is like physical and the other one is mental. And I don't mean mental hunger as in craving for information. :D Anyway, one of them is like a physical feeling of emptiness - sometimes you feel a bit nauseous, you may get a headache and you feel empty. And then the other hunger is when you are physically full, it seems like nothing even goes down anymore, but you still think about food and about what you would like to eat.

I got addicted to the feeling of physical hunger. If I didn't feel it, I felt weird. I didn't like the moments after eating, because my stomach was bloated and it was so uncomfrotable. Even though it is just a normal feeling you get after eating. The only time I was okay with it was after dinner. Then I was used to feeling full. It was most difficult to handle this during lunch. To say it shortly - I lived in starvation.

The mental hunger also causes eating binges I think. Really - you may be super full, but at the same time you feel like eating SO MUCH more. I am kind of scared that recently I have been feeling it more. Like I still feel mentally hungry after having dinner and 1.5 kgs of watermelon. It is like... I can somehow feel hunger in my throat? :D It is really weird to describe it, but it is exactly like this.

At the same time I have understood that you shouldn't ignore mental hunger. Because if you do it, at some point you break down and eat so much that only throwing up seems like an option. I have never done it myself, but I have fel like this.

But for real... if you think about food, you are probably hungry. If you think about if you are hungry, you probably are. If you think about your next meal, you are also probably hungry. Yeah, sometimes it is also cravings and you could ask yourself "would I have an apple instead of chocolate" but in general... you should listen to your hunger. And if you get these thoughts, you should eat. Especially when you are recovering from anorexia.

I have noticed about myself that when both of my hungers - mental and physical - are not present, I have so much more room for different thoughts. And it feels good. It is like you take your desktop and clear all the saved stuff. There is more room. Everything feels so much... cleaner.

I am fighting adn getting used to feeling full. At the hospital as well, every time after a meal we gathered together and you could say if you are too full, full enough or something like this. I know that I in this 2 months I spent there, always said that I am too full. Especially after lunches. So another goal for this week is getting used to feeling full.

Why this kind of blog post - I went for a walk with a friend and I analyzed and described this aspect of an eating disorder. That you get addicted to the feeling of hunger in addition to seeing the number drop. It is like a high, like you are drunk. You get a boost of adrenaline. :D Oh my god it sounds so stupid and ridiculous and weird. I cannot believe myself. But it is so. Exactly like so.

I am quite interested if someone agrees? Have you thought about it? Does this speak to you?

How is it going with my weight? Well, as of today I have gained 600 grams. First 400 was okay, because then it wasn't the change in Big First Number. But now today it is a bit more difficult to accept. But at the same time with the first 400 grams... when I gained it, for the first time I thought that WELL DONE! :D And today I also thought that maybe I should have something less for breakfast but I didn't do that!

Okay, I should go over my goals for this week and make some comments.

Firstly, I wanted to add something extra for each porridge I had. Every day. I have done it only three times, but I will keep doing it at least until next Friday. Anwyay, on Saturday I added some cocoa, then on Sunday I added peanut butter powder and today I added peanut butter powder with vanilla. I had my porridge and thought that wow, today it is extra good. :D Even though at first I was like do I really need it. I am glad I did.

Then my next goal was to try something vegan. And this time I had this "like meatpie" one store sells in Estonia. And it was... amazing! I had a big fear regarding it - I didn't know the calories and it felt so big and greasy. And then someone told me it has calories in myfirnesspal and of course I had to check and then I cried and everything went shit. Today I am over it, but I really felt awful yesterday. Yep. Just because one pastry.

And thirdly - have a savoury snack. This was also done thanks to this pastry I had. I don't know, but I feel like I enjoy sweet snacks more. :D But anyway, I recommend this pastry to be honest. I also put it into a microwave for half a minute, so it was nice and warm.

On Friday it is my last day of work before two week vacation and I am thinking of baking something. For example some banana muffins, which I still haven't done in like three months!

Do you have a good banana muffin or banana bread recipe? I have one that my friend used, so I might use this...

But all in all, I need to step up my weight gain game. Weight gain is a goal. My friend and I had 31st as the agreement date and also I am seeing my doctor on the 6th so by then I need to show some progress. I will also continue with the three goals I described in my previous post and here... let's see how it goes. :)

I continued trying vegan products and I thought that I will write about them as well. At the moment I am not trying something every day anymore, but if something catches my eye, I will test it. Like I really want to try this one vegan minced meat roll from this one store soon.

Firstly I had some vegan pizza that was with sundried tomatoes, pesto and paprica. The price was quite expensive, considering the size (3.99 €), but the taste was really good. At first the cheese seemed a bit weird, but I got used to it and all in all it tasted like normal, non vegan pizza. I really liked it and if it was on sale, I would definitely get it again. There are some more vegan pizzas in the stores that I would like to try at some point. And of course I want to order a takeaway from this one place I have been raving about. But for this vegan pizza, I would give it 8/10.

What is weird is that I can have a takeaway pizza without feeling too bad, but it is difficult to have a frozen pizza. Maybe because the packaging brings out calories right away? I don't know. I understand that pizzas from restaurants are bigger and have more calories, but they are... okay. :D My brain is weird.

Next, I tried this Oatly vegan spread with cucumber and garlic. My friend recommended me this and as I was baking bread at home, it was a perfect combination. It really was! It was super good. I tried it just plain, with a spoon, and it was absolutely delicious. No difference to regular cream cheese. Nice and salty! We also discussed that it would be good to use in pasta to make it more creamy, or when making sushi. I mean those California rolls and stuff always have cream cheese in them, this would be a good substitution. This is my favourite new thing I have tried for sure. And I really mean it when I give it 10/10. I should also try other flavours.

Then the next tring I tried was Alpro mango dessert, which was a-ma-zing! My favourite vegan blogger Anett also recommended this. I think it is on the same level with blueberry one. It was nice and sweet and you couldn't taste any soy in it. It was good size and perfect for a snack. I would definitely have it again! For rating, I would give it... 8/10, but only because actually I am not a huge yoghurt fan. I can have it, but I am not someone who would have yoghurt with toppings for breakfast or something. :D It is just an okay snack. But I need to say again that it was very good!

I also tried Breyers vegan chocolate-hazlenut ice cream. And I loved it! It wasn't too sweet, it was perfect. It seemed as if it was made with dark chocolate. And I couldn't tell the difference if it was normal or vegan, it was nice and creamy. The only downside was the prize, which was 4.99 €, but sometimes you gotta spend some money on yourself. I would like to try some more vegan ice creams. For example I had Oatly one in Flow Festival in Helsinki a few years ago and it was amazing. And there is Alpro ice cream that sounds fantastic as well. Need to write it down and do it. But for this Breyers one, I would give 8/10. One point is reduced due to the price.

Aaand lastly I tried this Alpro dessert with muesli. And I really loved it. The muesli was amazing! Also this is still one of my fear foods, so it was perfect to try it. You could taste soy a bit, but it wasn't bothering me. What I didn't like was the fact it had a spoon with it, too much plastic. :/ I would like to reduce my plastic, because there is so much of it everywhere. But for this product I would give 8/10 again, but I liked it and I would get it again if it had less plastic. But yeah, I would pick it as a snack, easily.

I still had another vegan thing yesterday, which people in Facebook vegan group recommended. Oat burgers! I have looked at them in the stores many times, but I still hadn't tried it. Now was the time. And I am so happy I tried it! I always thought that they would be try and thick? But no, they were really soft. They kind of reminded me of chicken nuggets (even though I haven't had chicken nuggets for like, 10 years at least :D). But anyway, I liked them. And they were so cute, shaped like hearts!! For the raiting I would give it 8.5/10. Or nine. Yep, 9/10, they are worth it!


In my alphabet challenge, I set myself a small goal, which was adding something extra to my porridge. Like peanut butter, chai spice, cocoa etc. I did it for 2 days, but then it was left at that. On one day I added peanut butter powder and on another day I added cocoa. So I want to keep doing that. It adds an extra flavour and makes my breakfast more interesting. But I am glad I at least managed to do this for 2 times, that's a start.

Another small win was that I went to a store to get some bananas for my porrige and I didn't pick the smallest ones, I picked the biggest ones. I haven't done it for a long time. I always think that I will pick average, which becomes small and smaller... but why? Bananas are the best in porridges. :D

Then on Monday I completed another challenge - I went to see a movie at a friend's place and we got Hesburger (kind of like McDonalds). And this halloumi cheese burger was sooo good! The sauce, and the cheese... mmmmm. And fries too. And the best part - I didn't feel guilty after having it! This hasn't happened before. Usually I get guilt even when having a small sanck. So that was a good change. I just enjoyed being, my focus was not on food. Like... how is this even possible? :D I am so glad my friend was up to do this. And on the previous day she told me that I don't need to have all the food at once and that we have a whole movie and so on. I am just so so happy.

Next time I may even be brave enough to have a veggie burger. I kind of want to become 100% vegan to be honest. I feel like I want to take this step. :)

Monday was really tough for me emotionally, so this evening made me feel a lot better. :)

With my friend, who I had this agreement with, I have talked almost every day. Usually he calls me and asks how I am doing with eating. :D Our agreement is in full force and I am taking active steps towards completing it. At the moment I am in a right path. On one evening I made pasta! And it waas first normal pasta in god knows how long. Usually, as I have written here, I pick buckwheat pasta or lentil pasta or something, but not this time. Yes, I picked whole wheat pasta, but it is still regular pasta! And it was good. Which was also surprising, was that again, I didn't feel guilty. This discovery was so... freeing. :D

And now some smaller goals as well for the next week.

1. I add something extra to my porridge (cocoa, chai spice, peanut butter, jam etc). And this time I will do it every single day.
2. I will try at least one new vegan product in a week.
3. I will have something savoury as a snack. My snacks are always sweet, but I would like to challenge myself and change it up. Like have a pastry or something.

On Friday after work I met up with a friend and we discussed my situation for a bit. He knows everything about it - we were together at the hospital in Tallinn and know each other for quite a while. This is nice. I don't feel like fuck, it is a new person, I need to explain how my situation is and how crappy I am feeling. :D

Anyway, our conversation ended with an agreement - I will gain 2.5 kgs by the end of the mnoth and he loses 2.5 kgs by the end of July. It is kind of bad, losing weight and all - I want to do that do. I is somehow coded into my brain. But at the same time... this agreement is a good challenge and as you can see from this blog, I am sucker for a good challenge. :D So there is hope. And I have been really trying my best!

My weight has... gone up, but then stayed the same. At first I was happy about it, like yay, I am doing better, but when I talked to my friend I understood that it needs to constantly go up. I can't stay at slightly higher weight for forever. Yeah, it is good that it has not gone back down, but it is not ENOUGH. So I have been taking active steps to do something about it. :)

We also talked a little about my blogging and the fact that great that I am writing down my struggles and thoughts but at the same time... I need to make progress. I can't keep going on about the same thing for forever. I do feel it myself - I have been ranting about the same thing a lot. I want this to become my success stroy. I want people to see that recovery is possible...

For example I came across this one instagram post where someone wrote that see, recovery is possible and that she is super happy. It made me happy as well and I want to be in this position myself. At least I am not believing that it is possible. A lot of people have showed me this. I want to become an example myself. I want to be in a position where I am happy and that I could look back at this time and think that, damn, this was bad time, I am so glad I am not there anymore. :D

But yeah, I will try to keep you up to date with how I am doing regarding gaining weight. :D I think we should also set up a prize for the one that finishes the challenge. I guess the result itself is enough as well, but there could be something that is motivating even more... how about that the winner has to buy the other one a drink? :D I will suggest it. Also the challenge is good because it makes us get together again, as sometimes this gap between our meetings became too long.

I showed him a picture from the time when I was around 55 kgs. I think this is one of my favourite pictures ever, and it is a good thing to look back to it. I always thought that I was so happy then and that I want to get back there. :D I even thought that maybe I should set it as my background for my phone hahhaa. :D But I can show you this at least.

Today I will face a huge challenge, I am going to a fast food burger place (similar to McDonalds) and I am going to take a BIG MEAL DEAL with BIG FRIES. I haven't had fries in... I don't know how long. Honestly, I can't remember. :D No, actually I do! Two years ago I was at the Flow festical and I was really hungry at one point and just got fries with ketchup. :D So... two years. Or actually three in August. Oh boy.

Trying out vegan things is also going well, by today I have done it for a week straight. I am thinking of trying some more and then writing about the products on Friday.

I have gotten some recommendations, but I wouldn't mind some more. :D So I am looking forward to your suggestions.

I am also kind of looking forward to my sister coming back to Tallinn - I will start dragging her around in restaurants and cafes. I guess it will be a bit expensive, but come on, it is summer and sometimes it is okay to spend some money on yourself.

In general with an eating disorder, saving up is a huge thing. I never feel like "wasting" money on food. It is kind of funny. But it feels so unnecessary. A lot of the time I add something to my basket and then at the last minute I put it back, thinking that I don't really need this or that. I feel like I shouldn't waste money and I need to save and so on. But at the same time, money comes and goes and I want to enjoy life and a big part of life is food.

I had another thought but I kind of lost it...

My five tibetian challenge has gone very wrong. Every day I start and then on the next day I miss out. :D But at the same time I feel like maybe I should just do some stretching or flexibility exercises. Just for like ten minutes. I even have a favourite video for a stretching routine:

Unfortunately I only was able to do this for 4 days, because today it is Friday, but at the same time... I think I will continue with this. So soon there will be part 2. :D Anyway, I decided to taste test different vegan products to see how I like them. And maybe discover some new stuff to add to my menu. So this is connected to the challenge of trying new foods. :D

Anyway, I have now tried several things, and I thought I'd write about them. Also, I wanted to add before making it to the end of the post, if there are any vegan products you recommend me to try, please let me know.

Firstly, Alpro raspberry-cranberry soy dessert - I really liked it. It was a lot like toghurt, but I could taste something different still. It was a good snack and if I was to have this, I wouldn't miss regular yoghurt. It had a lot of berry pieces in it as well which made it extra yummy. I guess I would rate it as 7/10. Maybe other flavours are better, so I shall try them in the future. :D A long time ago I tried blueberry one and I think this was better. But it was interesting to test it!

For the next thing I tried Estonia's company's veggie tex-mex burger (made with chickpeas, peppers, corn etc). Idea was really good, but after frying it up and serving it, it was really dry and crumbly. But at the same time I liked that it wasn't just a "fried mush", it really had pieces of vegetables in it. Taste was good as well, a bit spicy. With vegan mayo and ketchup it was really nice. :D I guess I would rate it 7/10 as well, because there is room for improvement.

Next I tried Estonia's company's veggie beetroot and tofu burger. And it was AMAZING. It had actual tofu pieces in it and it didn't even need a condiment. I was really pleasantly surprised, because last burger from the same company wasn't as good. Anyway, for this, I would give it a solid 9.5/10, because it was just so good. I want to try the third one this company has as well, made with quinoa and sweet potato. But if I can recommend only one, I would go with this one currently!

Next, I finally (after who knows how long) tried vegan Magnum ice cream. It has been in the stores for a while, but I still hadn't tried it. And, well, I was maybe scared a little. But now I have been having fear foods and it was time. Anyway... this is my new favourite Magnum. It was just soo good and almond-y and not too sweet as rest of the Magnums tend to be. Definitely a favourite and definitely 10/10!

Now the weekend is upon us and today I am going to try a vegan pizza. And I also asked my friend for suggestions about what should I try. So again, please let me know if there are things I should have. :D I have some ideas, but I am running out of stuff soon.

Anyway, yes. Trying vegan products is so cool and as it has shown me, they can sometimes be better than regular things. I am convinced I will have my sister try the vegan Magnum and beetroot-tofu burgers will be a regular thing in our weekly menu. With the yoghurt I am a bit doubtful, but I am willing to try other flavours.

I am really looking forward to tonight and my pizza. And enjoying the weekend. I don't have any plans, but just resting is good as well.

What else! Yesterday I baked some bread again FINALLY. It has become a fear again, so it was about time to challenge it again. I added a lot of seeds, as usual. I have been thinking of trying Oatly spread, so I shall do that tomorrow. Anyway, nothing is better than the smell of fresh bread! Mmmm....

It cracked on a top as I tested another recipe with different baking times, so now I know to use the previous one again in the future. Still, it doesn't ruin the taste! :D

Last week on Tuesday I had an opportunity to go and taste test Estonia's plant milks. They make milk from hemp seeds.

We tried 12 different kinds; we didn't know what exactly the milks contained and what was the ratio, but we had to evaluate it's smell, texture and taste. I was really surprised they had so many different ones! There were some that were more liquidy, some that were thicker, there were some that smelled like grass or some that smelled like seeds. What they didn't have was the ones that tasted or smelled sour - that was a huge plus for me. Sometimes plant milks are a bit sour and I don't really like them (for example Alpro oatmilk. Some oat milks I really like, for example Oatly ones.)

Anyway, I am really excited for this company. I am really glad my friend asked me to attend this event.

I also thought that I mention that my favourite plant milk is Alpro barista almon milk - it tastes like marzipan! On the second place I think it goes to cashew milk and on third... hmm, I think Oatly. But at the same time I really like this one almond milk that is store's own version. I think plant milks are awesome - they all taste a bit different, it is not general "milk" taste. :D You can pick if you like more creamy one or more watery one or more sweet one and so on. Really cool!

I have been trying to come up with some new challenges. One of my friends recommended having different foods that I have never tried before. But here again I thought that can I pick Alpro sweet yoghurt, as I have never tried it before? Or does it go under yoghuty meaning I have? :D I think for this week I will try to have just general new products. For example I really take this yoghurt or vegan burgers that I have never had, or a bread I have never bought. This opens me up to new things and it will be a challenge, as tried and tested foods are too safe. And maybe at one point I can move forward and try having things that I have never tried or heard of. Like... rambutan. I have no idea what it is. I think this also requires some more work before staring. :D Anyway, this is coming up as well!


Then my other friend recommended another interesting challenge - pick an ingredient and make it in three different ways. She specified that it can be grains or something. For ecample pick rice and then on one day I would make sushi, then on another I would make fried rice and then on the third day... rice with curry. Or quinoa. On one day I could make peppers filled with quinoa, on another day I could make quinoa salad and on third day maybe sweet porridge with quinoa. I think this would be quite interesting and as I have said several milion times, challenges need to be repeated!

I am also thinking of taking the alphabet in front of my again and see if I can make up another list of fear foods. Or maybe pick the same things just to make sure I am okay with having them. But at the moment I can't really come up with a thing even for a ltter A, because I am not afraid of avocados anymore and the only thing in my mind is apple. But who would be scared of an apple. Maybe a little, or if I added something... like apple juice? This could work...

If anyone has any ideas, please let me know! I am always really happy when people tell me possible challenge ideas. :)

About my weight... it is difficult. The first number of my weight changed and to accept this is really tough. But one look into the mirror confirmed that it is a long way to go and I am still just as boney and look awful. :D I don't know why I am stuck with this number. Weight doesn't mean anything. For example taller people weigh more simply because they are, well, taller. How do I not understand this? :D Ideally I would gain weight in how I look but not in the number. :D How is this logical?


Anyway, I have been really good. On one day I got this dessert from the store, which I have been meaning to try since I was at the hospital and my mum visited me for the first time. :D But I have been too scared until now, because look at the calories. :D It was mango-grenadil-coconut rice pudding, if anyone is interested.

And well, it was... good. But not something special, really! I mean, it would have been nicer if it had more coconut, though the rice pudding itself was nice. At the same time I was not disappointed. I just felt like yay, I have finally tried it and it wasn't mindblowing. :D It was good to know this.

Anyway yeah. That's it from me for today. See you on Friday!

It has finally arrived - last letters!

First one of them was V, and I picked vanilla pudding. I couldn't come up with anything else starting with V. There is this company in Estonia that just came out with three new puddings (vanilla, chocolate-hazlenut and caramel) and I tried one of them.



Again I have to repeat that Estonia doesn't have as good puddings as Japan. :D I really miss them... but I don't think sending them via parcel is a good idea. But yeah, this pudding was a lot more than usually, meaning more claories than my snacks usually have. But I really enjoyed it so that was good. I got a different one, the chocolate-hazlenut one for today and I will try it out. / I have tried it now and it was so so good. Really one of the best new products I have tried recently. I will definitely have it more often.

Next letter was W meaning waffle or wafer. At first I wanted to get this Belgian waffle, but they only had packs of like 8 in the stores. So instead I picked Gesha's chocolate-wafer. I got it a whiiile ago, but I was too scared of trying it. I also thought that I would have liked to have this old retro waffle made in proper waffle maker, but I was too lazy to look for it in the cafes or something.



Anyway, eating this was indeed a challenge, as on the same day I went to visit a friend who cooked us dinner. And I had too much food. Like really too much, not just my too much. All of my mind and body told me that I should skip snacks or my lunch, but I didn't do this. Even though this was one of the most difficult days recently. Also I get to be proud of myself as I didn't WEIGH myself the next day! This is such a huge thing for me. :D I really wanted to, but I knew that would lead to restricting.

Also I don't want to live rest of my life having to know if I am having a meal outside from home. I don't want to be scared of having food at someone else's place and also having snacks. I want to enjoy life and eat more on some days. I want to enjoy spending time with friends. I want food to not be as important and I want to think about different things. I want my problems to be different from "what's for a snack or meal". Honestly. I am just tired of it.

And with Z it was zucchini. I made it in the oven and marinated beforehand, using oil! Which made it a challenge. I marinated it with some mushrooms and in sauce that had soy sauce, oil, a little bit of vinegar, pepper and a lot of garlic. And the taste was great, I highly recommend! One of my friend said that she has a lot of zucchinis growing, meaning we will get a lot of them. So it will probably become a normal part of my diet.

As I didn't use the whole of zucchini, I have been grating rest of it into my porridge. It doesn't mean that I add less oats - no. Zucchini has very little calores, but it is a good way of having more greens in your diet. Even though I have a lot of veggies in general. But this seems to be a popular hack.

At some pint I thought that everyone are baking banana breads (which I still haven't done, even though I have been meaning to bake something with bananas, for example muffins), but zucchini bread is also quite popular. During the lockdown there were tons of recipes going around.



For last week I had a lot of goals:

First one was to pick something in the store without seeing the calories. I mention on my last post that I would like to get poppy seed pastry. And I did it! I got a pastry covered in icing sugar and enjoyed it a lot. It was really great. It has been my dream for a while to go into a store and just get a pastry. Finally I did it and nothing bad happened. Who would have guessed.



My second goal was to have cereal with normal milk. This I haven't done yet, as I have been home alone (my sister is still at my parents' place) and I got some almond milk, as this lasts longer. I am too lazy to make several trips to the store just to get milk, especially because I only use it ony my coffee.

Thirdly I wanted to eat something outside of home. And this did happen - for example when I went to visit a friend and we had dinner together. And snacked a lot. I have this ritual; I always eat at certain times and what I do while eating (for example watch some travelling videos). And I like it. But I also want to enjoy social aspect of eating and feel more at ease when spending time with people. I don't want eating to be so called my time. I want to focus on talking to people, communicating with people. I don't want to focus on food being perfect and eating being perfect experience. I keep thinking that this time has not come for me yet, but I NEED to challenge this. Or I won't get out of this, ever.

Like when my friend was over and we had instant noodles together. :D It was good, it was nice and it really made eating more normal. I just... need to do it more. There is no other possibility. I want to enjoy eating alone but also eating with someone else. I don't want it to be like a special occasion or something.

Also I have stuck to having 4 snacks in a day and my weight shows it is woeking. Even though now this is the last post of the alphabet challenge, I still think I need to set new goals/challenges. At least one.

So next week I will add something to my porridge, which I haven't done or tried in a while. For example some cocoa, chai spice or peanut butter. Or something like that. It used to be regular thing with my porridge, but it became scary at some point. I dunno why though, the taste is amazing. So it is about time to set this goal again.

What I also wanted to talk about are the tips for recovery. Because there are some. But firstly...

What works for one person, may not work for the other. And this needs to be remembered. Even tricks that are really useful for someone, may not be useful to you. For example someone may find this alphabet challenge completely useless. And in general getting used to fear foods. For someone it may be good to eat 5000 calories per day until they reach normal weight. Just FOR ME it is better to have this gradual weight gain happening. So I could manage the nerves and anxiety.

Next... DO. For you to get better, you need to be active and really behave like this. Thoughts are not enough. Motivation or commitment are not enough. You need to show (especially to yourself) that you are really taking action. It is easy to say this, more difficult to do this. All kinds of knowledge you may gain from books or internet or blogs is useful, but nothing changes if you don't take the lead and don't act like you ar ein recovery. You need to remember your goal and DO things.

For example after being with friends and eating and snacking a lot, the next day I felt very full. I could have easily skipped snacks or an entire meal. I could have had a bottle of coke and told myself it was fine. But no. I didn't do that. I actively worked on having all the snacks and meals. It didn't matter that I was full and had had too much food. At the moment I can't allow myself to skip things. Not even once. It would start a relapse and I don't have time for this shit. Also I am not eating "too much" every single day. I happened once. And if you keep eating normally, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. I need to repeat this to myself sometimes, this is what I have learned now. And it is good to say so.

Another thing is educating yourself. You should know what will happen if you are undereating. But you also need to know what is happening while you are in a process of recovery. For example I can say that when I eat more, I get these night sweats. I never knew what happened, until someone told me it is because your hormones are starting to balance themself. I used to be scared and thought that something was wrong with me. It really helped to do some research and talking to nurses at the hospital. So I really recommend searching for information and reading someone's experiences. You may not get all the symptoms, but at the same time you may and it gives you some peace of mind.

You also need to set some rules for yourself. Rule about not skipping meals or snacks. Rule about not giving an inch to your eating disorder. Rule about not compensating if you have had more food than usually. You need to be like a parent to yourself. You need to act according to your brain, not according to your eating disorder.

Eat and rest. The only medicine to your illness is eating. Food is medicne. Ig you have, let's say, an infection, you don't tell yourself that hey, let's not take meds today. You will have meds to get better. You need to eat to get better! I think this is a great example. And also, you wouldn't advice anyone else to not take meds during their illness. NO!

Set yourself as your priority. You need to be selfish. You are important and you need to remember this.