I Won't Quote

I have been wanting to do this challenge for a while already. But I have been too scared. What am I talking about? Pasta challenge. But now I have a plan to have pasta every day for five days in a row. To show myself that it is fine, pasta is normal food and I can have it. Also, there are so many options to make pasta!

It has not been enough to have pasta once a month, because yes, I can handle it, but I am still scared. Are there any more things people are scared of? I want to show that no food is scary, both to myself and to others.

Day one

I made this pasta on Friday, but I had some leftovers, so I started this challenge on Sunday. It was pasta with tomato-tofu sauce, carrots, onion and garlic. And I also added some spinach. I always think that when I have pasta the portion size will be tiny, because it has a lot of calories and so on. And whenever I actually make it, I am like... can I really eat that much? :D This illness has really made me think awfully about food.

Of course I need to constantly check from the bag or on Google how big is the dried pasta portion. And I am always surprised to see that it is 75 grams. This seems so much. And when pasta boils, it grows on size, so there is a lot of it.

I really like pasta with carrots. In general when my pasta is boiling, I fry onion, garlic and carrots, then add the sauce. When carrots are almost soft, I add pasta and mix it all up, then I wait for a bit. Lastly I add spinach and mix everything again. I really like spinach or ruccola in pasta, I really think they add some good flavour.

Anyway I really loved this tomato pasta! On Friday I also topped it off with some nutrtitional yeast, but on Sunday I didn't do this. Also I bought pre-made pasta sauce with tofu. They have one with soya as well, but I didn't like that as much. It is still a bit sour so I did add a little bit of sugar to balance taste.

I was quite full, but it didn't mean that I needed to skip lunch or something. I still had all my meals, snacks and dessert. And I topped the evening with a pint of ice cream. Pasta is good.

Day two

I got really excited over pasta shapes and then in addition to fusilli I had at home, I also got penne and farfalle. XD I thought that maybe this is more interesting. Also my fusilli was wholewhat one, but if I am 100% honest, I like regular white pasta more... so I got white penne and farfalle. :D

Today I wanted to make something creamy. I thought about just buying some vegan cream, then I thought about Oatly spread that is with garlic and cucumber, but in the end I picked up Violife cheddar cheese spread.

Firstly I fried up garlic and onion, then added tofu with cumin seeds, paprica and a can of mushrooms. I flavoured it with salt, pepper and basil. Then I added almost 150 grams of Violife spread and mixed it up. It melted completely (but it is made with coconut oil, so I understand) and it wasn't quite as creamy. But when I added pasta on ruccola, everything tasted like cheddar and it was amazing! It actually reminded me of Cheetos cheese balls, haha. :D

In America, mac and cheese is really popular right, and I think it was kind of like it, minus the creamy aspect. For a second I thought about buying vegan cheese too, but I didn't think I could used it all up so I didn't.

Pasta tasted good and I was again surprised at how big the portion was, haha. :D I set aside half of the pasta for the day after, because I want to make something different tomorrow. I already have all the ingredients. I thought that then I can mix it up a bit btter and I don't have to eat the same thing every day. Even though I really wouldn't mind.

I somehow feel that mind mind and body are like... all these years you avoided pasta must now be eaten! Give us pasta, all the pasta, and now!

But at the moment I feel like I will have so much pasta so much more often. :D

I have also become better at handling leftovers and I have been properly full. (Ah, on the second day I also had proper dessert as well.) And when I put half of the pasta away, I don't feel like I need to eat all of it anymore. Even though sometimes I am a bit sad that I have leftovers at home, because I really love cooking and I would like to make somethign different every single day. It is kind of my hobby. But at the same time it is good to have leftovers when I meet someone or something, because then I can have a quick dinner. So yeah, it is 50/50 situation. :D

I really want to make pesto pasta, but in general pesto has cheese, and it doesn't agree with my vegan month. I will try it in the future though, when I find vegan pesto or when January is over. I will try and continu not having animal products, but I would like to try pesto pasta as I have NEVER had it. I have always been too scared. Like sometimes I still think about this gnocchi I had in Romania - it was with pesto, walnuts and parmesan cheese and it was amazing. I would really like to just make gnocchi with green pesto or something. :D Anyway yes, I am planning on doing that.

I am thinking about what to do next week. I think I like 5-day challenges the most. They are nice, don't take too much time and there is always something to write about. When the challenges are longer, I get bored. And when it is only 24 hours, it doesn't even feel like a challenge.

Anyway, I know that pasta is a fear food for many people struggling with an eating disorder. And I wanted to do this challenge to show that it is fine and you can have it every day for a week and nothing bag happens. :D Also, if you think that you don't like pasta, then you should consider this: maybe it is your illness telling you so? And next - what kind of pasta have you had? There are so many different ones. With tomato sauce, cream, spreads, pesto, oil etc. Pasta world is huge. :D

Day three

I had some leftovers from yesterday, but I wanted to keep this for day four and mix it up a bit. So this time I used farfalle (yes, I used all three different pastas I had), vegetavles, onion, garlic and Green Story eggplant-chickpea spread. And some seasonings. And also 100 grams of ruccola, because pasta and ruccola are heavenly together.

This came out quite good, but it was my least favourite out of the three. I don't know, it was just missing something. :D Also it was a huge amount, which was actually fine, as I felt super hungry on that day. Anyway yes, I still had a lot of leftovers and I am planning to have them on Thursday.

I have really discovered that pasta is not as scary as I used to think. It tastes super good. Especially normal white pasta. :D I really told myself I prefer wholewheat one (actually my favourite is buckwheat pasta) and brown rice. But in reality I love white pasta and white rice. :D I don't know, they are much more... filling? And I don't have any issues eating time. I understand you can't have them when you are gluten intolerant, but I don't have this problem and I don't want to self diagnose like some influencers do. Same with lactose. Though I really like some lactose free yoghurts. I generally don't pay attention to this and eat what I crave and what I like.

Related to the pasta challenge I thought about making some more challenges. Next I want to do a rice one, meaning having rice for five days in a row. And then maybe potato challenge. Potatoes are not scary for me, but there are some followes who are scared of them. And I want to show both myself and others that all foods are okay and you can eat everything you want. Then I am thinking about grains in general, and I think I will make one where I have quinoa, couscous, bulgur, buckwheat and lentils? I don't know, seems interesting. :D Also I could try a lot of new recipes!

I also want to make a post about new foods. I looked up some simple recipes for my sister's cookbook yesterday and found a few ones that I really want to test out.

Day four

I haven't yet decided which pasta I will be having today. But at the moment I am glad I have leftovers, because I am thinking about visiting my sister today. And then I can go right into dinner when I get home. Also yesterday I had a pint of ice cream on top of my pasta. Even though I was super full. But there is always room for ice cream.

Also today the Expensive Calories show is on TV again. I will have my dessert and watch this and laugh about it. I will write down some comments as well.

Yesterday I also had my psychologist appintment and I told her about how angry I am over this show. But she said that it is good I can understand how bad it is and that I don't follow what they are promoting. We also talked about my overeating episdes, which I haven't suffered in a few weeks now. On last post I forgot to mention that when I have normal meals and snacks, my energy levels during the day are quite balanced. I don't feel this afternoon crash. Sometimes I do feel sleepy, but it is also normal.

Then I also wanted to mention the topic about... when do you know you are sick and need to seek help. This illness is so sneaky, it will tell you everything. It will tell you that you don't have an ED and you will become happy in a bit. Just a few more kilos and life gets much better. And then you can allow yourself to enjoy food again. But if you get to this point, it will tell you a new thing. Just one more kilo. Then it is nice and round number. And then you can eat even more. Mhmmm, sounds familiar? And then it also LOVES the comments you get. "Oh you look so good", "oh you are so great and take a good care of yourself", "everything fits you", "you don't need to worry about food, you are so lucky". And of course person wants to receive these kind of compliments.

On today's episode of Expensive Calories I was really annoyed at some things they said. About a girl who is mentally struggling with a depression. "with getting thin, happiness is coming to her life". Really? Why don't all people lose weight then and get over their depression? I have been on this path and let me tell you, low weight DOES NOT bring you happiness. Of course you can feel better about yourself, but BEING THIN = HAPPINESS is a stupid connection to make.

Under one of my posts people started to talk about making compliments and I said that I don't like the ones regarding peoples' bodies. Or at least I don't like when people compliment me like this. For example if someone tells me they like my haircut, I am like... I can't change them now, because maybe then they don't like me anymore. But at the same time I am not bothered when they compliment my blue eyes. But I especially hate when people comment my weight. "You have lost some weight, well done" - meaning: I can't gain any. Vs "you have beautiful hands" - I am just happy.

I don't generally make comments about how people look, even though I have told a sales person at the store that I like their tattoo. :D But I think it is fine. In general I prefer compliments about personality. Like tell me I am cool, interesting, friendly, nice, tolerant etc. I don't think I am all of those things (like how am I cool? XD) but these are just some examples.

But yeah, I am not saying I follow my own rules all the time. I compliment people. But now about weight, because I can't stand it. :D But of course, you have to think logically and understand that most people mean well. :D Like, I don't think my coworker wanted to offent me when she asked if I have gained weight. But it was just hella triggeringgggg. Sorry. :D Anyway yes, these are my opinions on this topic. Feel free to share your's!

Day five

I didn't go to visit my sister yesterday, but I am going today. Also, I had this pasta with Violife spread yesterday, and added some fresh cherry tomatoes as I wanted some. It was good. Also had dessert while watching the weight loss show.

The second episode was a bit better. At first I didn't have high hopes, because they had celery juice first thing in the morning, but LUCKILY the host mentioned that you don't need to do this to lose wright. Instead they made smoothies.

But in general I don't like this message from the show. That all sweets and snacks and drinks are bad and you should never have them. Everyhing in moderation is fine. Snacks are just some energy and you use quite a bit of it in your day to day life. :D It is not the end of the world!

Then the host said that you should only eat food when you NEED it, not when you want it. But... if I am already NEEDING food, it means that I am starving. And this brings overeating into the game. It would be better to have smaller meals throughout the day. When you are thinking about food, you shoulg have it. And also - you CAN eat when you just want it. Food has a huge social aspect and I don't know, I don't only have food when I am starving. I never feel hungry during the lunchtime, but I still eat, because I need to. My body needs this energy.

In addition to this all, the vegan girl didn't have any food again? In the morning they made her vegan smoothe, but in the evening they had salad with regular mayo and baked chicken. This was absurd. :D I am not the only one who noticed ths. Someone wrote an article about it, saying that how can't our well known nutrition expert come up with plant based alternatives? Or I don't know, if they gave her something they should have shown it as well. Vegan food is good, trust me, I have been eating vegan for 29 days. And I have never enjoyed my food as much. :D

Today is the last pasta day, which I am kind of sad about to be honest. But at the same time I CAN have pasta tomorrow, if I want to. :D Also I am going to finally visit my sister today, so I am super glad I have some food in the fridge for the evening. With dessert I don't know what exactly I want, but I will go by the store and see what I fancy. Maybe some more ice cream as I am really on the ice cream kick at the moment. Even though I kind of want some cereal... hmm, there are a lot of options. Lately I have been having ice cream a lot and I feel like I need to chenge it up. :D

Yesterday I also made a list about challenges I want to do in February, it was quite fun. A lot of motivation do them, because they will have a lot I can write about and it is interesting to myself. With food challenges it is cool that I can try so many new things. And it is nice to work on the recipe book for my sister - I keep discovering things to try for myself as well.

Conclusion

Yesterday I had this huge portion of pasta and then also a pomelo that was around two kilos. It was difficult to deal with my emotions, as we had a work event and there was a lot of vegan!!!!! food, which I had a lot of. But I thought that whatever, it is not an every day occasion and I can enjoy my time with others. Also it was nice of my boss to provide vegan snacks (hummus, handmade bread, guacamole, fruits, cookies, salad with cauliflower, avocaod and crunchy chickpeas etc).

All in all I felt really full last night. I did go and see my sister's new place and we had some glasses of wine. A lot of guilt, which I haven't had in a while, but today is a new day and I will survive.

What can I say in conclusion?

1. I really like pasta and I will have more of it in the future. I didn't get tired of it, but my fear deffinitely lessened and I have learned a new pathway.

2. I gained exactly 200 grams. :D This means, you don't start gaining crazy amounts of weight if you eat pasta. I had THREE meals and at least THREE snacks every single day. It seems that I need to eat even more.

3. It taught me to have leftovers and meal prep and on some occasions it was really convenient.

4. I am looking forward to new challenges!

I think I am finally at the point where I can really write about this topic. Until now I have left the impression that I am doing well, but my weight remained the same. Now within last couple of months it has steadily gone up and now it is time to make a positive post about it. I don't know, how many positive sides there are, as I haven't read this post through, but I thought that this is something I want to write about. I have some ideas for future posts, but I need to do some work before sharing them. So they need to wait for a bit.

• I have energy to do things.

It is kind of funny how much more energy I have. On Sunday I went to my friend's place for example and I was strong enough to pick up her kid! Also there are no problems with climbing up the stairs. And like, I can ran to catch a bus or a trolbus or a tram. I walk faster. When my sister was moving, I managed to carry things. I didn't get this faint feeling and my hands didn't shake, as it was really common previously.

• I  get annoyed less.

I don't feel as irritated at people. It used to be a big problem in my relationship with my parents. Whenever I went home or they came to Tallinn to visit us, I felt this tension and it usually ended up with me crying a lot. Also, if something happens at work, I get over my emotions faster. It is another thing I really didn't think about before, but have noticed now. Thought about this while coming to work today.

• I feel less anxiety.

It used to be that my hands were shaking every time I cooked dinner and I cut myself a lot. :D Pretty disgusting, I walked around with bandaids covering my hands constantly. Also all the cuts healed soooo slowly, I managed to get ten new cuts before the old ones were okay. They still do heal slow now as well. But yes, my hands aren't shaking as much anymore and it is such a nice feeling. Of course I Googled hands shaking a lot and it was not a good idea. :D

• I remember things better.

And not only work-related stuff. I remember things that people just randomly mention. I don't have to keep saying "oh yeah, you mentioned it" when I have asked something 1000 times. I legit remember stuff. At work as well. Whenerver someone calls and asks what is the situation with their thing, I can instantly answer, because I remember my cases.

• I can focus more.

This month I have read a bit for 7 days now (I mark it down into my habit tracker on my bullet journal) and it is no problem to read for an hour. I did read yesterday night for example. And the day before that. I didn't have this feeling of laziness. It is so surprising! Of course it helps that I am reading a very good book ("Painted man"). Also I can watch short TV shows again and I feel like I am ready for movies soon. :D So please recommend me some fun movies... I want something lighthearted or just exciting, but I don't like sad endings, so keep that in mind. :D

• I have found new hobbies.

For example I have done a lot of scrapbooking and a few days ago I started to sort out pictures to be printed. So I can stick them there. And I listened to some music, I haven't done that in months either. Also my sister moved and is soon going to have a housewarming party. I thought about buying her a cookbook, but there weren't any I liked, so I decided to make one myself. I titled it as "Signe's restaurant cookbook" where I mark down simple dishes that I used to make when we lived together. I will add meat to some of them as well, because she prefers that. Anyway, it is nice to work on it, put stickers into it etc. It is kind of like a hobby. I have also thought about making a bullet journal and selling it. I really like decorating stuff. I will take some pictures of a one I am making, to show you. Maybe someone would like it. :D And of course I would only charge for the material. :D

• I can have takeaway.

Like really, this is such a good feeling. I have been having some takeaway with a friend recently, and I haven't restriced beforehand. As I used to do. And my anxiety over eating out has been replaced by excitement. I can't wait until the next time.

• I look better.

Yep. I said it. I read my old post another day and looked at the pictures there. And it was horrible how I looked. I can't put fingers around my hand any more and my legs have become more muscular. It looks so much nicer! Honestly, my clothes fit better and I can pick stuff in the stores. The smallest size used to be too big on me and I just looked like a skeleton. It was awful to stand in front of a mirror with someone. Also when I went to the gym I thought that the trainer will just tell me to leave, as I looked so unwell. But now things are different.

• I am more objective.

I have quite a lot of friends who are struggling with disordered eating and sometimes write to me about what they had and send pics. And it used to be really triggering for me, I was like... okay, you wat so little, I have already had three proper meals and some cake, I shouldn't have done that. But I have started telling myself that we are on a different paths, we have different bodys, different needs and what others are doing doesn't affect me. I have told the same thing to them. Because people are different. Honestly, even in Tartu I thought that it makes no sense some people didn't gain weight there. Even though we ate the same foods. But now I have understood that it is because... we are different. :D Simple as that. It is the same with running or jumping - people don't run exactly on the same speed or jump on the same height.

• I have less fears.

I am not scared of as many foods anymore. Like really, I remember my alphabed challenge and how it affected me. And how difficult it was. But now I feel like... I don't know, I don't care as much? Like, after eating I don't get as much guilt anymore. I do feel disgusting and awful sometimes, but it is not on the same level as it used to be. :D And it is such a big change!

• I don't have to take a picture of every meal I have.

I do do it quite often still and post on Instagram, but that is because a lot of people have told me it helps them. But it used to be an obsession. I took a picture of every single meal, snack and dessert. And then spammed my sister with them. Even when I had a small cookie or a candy, I still took a picture and sent it to her. Like I wanted to show off that look, I am having a candy, are you proud of me?! I don't need this anymore. Yes, it is good to have someone tell me that I am doing well and I can eat as much as I can, but taking pictures of meals is not an obsession. I used to not have anything without sharing it with someone. Also when there was an event with food, I always remembered everything I had and told to my sister or a friend. It was like... I wanted to say that look, I am eating, is this okay? I needed validation. Now I am allowing myself to have food. I don't need others to give me permission.

• I don't sweat at night as much.

These sweating sessions have almost gone. Within last month I haven't had this phenomenon any more. I can sleep all night normally and I don't wake up all sweaty of freezing. Also I used to work out and not feel hot at all, but now my body seems to function better. And I am not cold all the time anymore either. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time.

I don't know what else to mark down, because there are so many of those small changes that have happened. But yeah, these are the ones that instantly came to mind. I think I have written a similar post before, but now these things are more real and I don't imagine them. :D Now I really FEEL the difference and it is a nice feeling. Yes, I do miss a skinnier me, I am not going to lie. I miss that people looked at me and immediately understood that something was wrong. I miss feeling hunger and emotionless and I miss sleeping 12+ hours. I was so tired all the time. But it was kind of comforting. But life is so much better now. And I am doing better at work. And, I don't know, it is going to sound so cheesy, but I feel like Ia can breathe again. :D

I don't know where this motivation to write this post came now, but I am not complaining.

I promise that next posts are going to be more exciting and interesting and maybe will have more discussion. But yes, this weekend I just enjoyed my rest time, I didn't feel like reading up on things.

Also, yesterday I started a new challenge I am going to write about on Friday. It will be an exciting onw. :D

On Wednesday, I watched this new TV show, where people who want to lose weight are put in the house with a lot of snacks and drinks in the fridge. Every time they eat from there, money is taken off their prize.

Of course previous to this I went to have vegan burgers with my friend and of courise I ate the whole pint of ice cream while watching it. 

I will briefly write about the restaurant too - the burger was amazing. But it didn't really fill me up, so at home I had another dinner. We both picked burger with shredded sweet potato and I highly recommend it. This is their comany's main dish. I would like to try one with Beyond meat as well, though, but you can have them somewhere else too.

Workers were also really nice! Food got prepared super fast, though they had a lot of take away orders too.

It was a bit sad that it didn't have a proper seating area. But it was still nice, we chatted and ate and talked about old times. What else! My firend got me some Biscoff spread which I have been wanting to try for forever and a lot of vegan YouTubers have it all the time! :D I cannot wait to try it on porridge, but I also did check the calories and oh wow it is high. but oh well, I want to try it both in porridge and also just on toast. Maybe I can still do it this month and post about it.

Anyway, after this meetup I went to the store, got some ice cream and then came home. I just took a shower and chilled a bit and then watched this new show.

Before writing down my thoughts, I wanted to say that I don't have anything against people participating there. They all seem really nice and cool and they have their own reasons. BUT I still have some comments which I wanted to share. If you are up to it, feel free to comment as well.

And I am basing this text on my own experience with an eating disorder. So I am not completely objective. But I do think this is something people need to talk about. There are times when I see articles about eating disorders in media and I already hope the people will realise how important this topic is, but then the next day there are 98755 new diet articles so it is of no help. :D Like, I know so many people who have had or have an eating disorder and they sometimes don't even know it. Only later they understand that ohhhhhh I think I have a problem. But if people talked about it more, then I think it would be understood better and people may get help when they actually need it and get well (sooner).

I talked a lot about Tartu with a new friend. And then I thought that even though after Tartu I had a relapse, it was still needed to get better. Without this, I would probably be dead? :D I know it sounds awful and morbid, but this is the truth.

Anyway, about this show.

Firstly, some of those people weight less than I did before my illness. And then about one girl the host says something like "she is about to lose the battle with obesity". I thought this girl looked FINE AS HECK. And then I was like... I guess I was morbidly obese then. Yep, this is what my head told me. I guess I did need to lose weight etc! But honestly, you can't tell this thing about a girl who has normal weight?! Like, what kind of show is this? All the viewers may be (accidentally) triggered like this.

Secondly, why do they keep calling those people "heroes"? Just call them, well, people. :D Is the fact that they go to this kind of show to lose weight something that makes them heroes? Like, of course, well done and all, but I was really bothered by the use of this word. It didn't make sense in this context.

Thirdly, I feel so bad for the vegan-girl! Like, they made salad and chicken in sauce (also the host was really rude, he was SUPER surprised when the people provided stuff for a salad. Like what the heck, people are not that dumb. :'D) and she just had some dry salad leaves with cucumber and tomatoes? This thing should be more personal, I don't know. It was weird that no one paid attention to it and she wasn't offered an alternative. My opinion on the show got even lower.

Next, I still find that a lot of those people would get more help from therapy. I think that even more than ruining their relationship with food, they are not getting to the root of the things. I can hope that future episodes are better, but I still feel like they are not actually dealing with the main problems.

Finally, it was crap. But obviously I will keep watching, because I have this sick interest in it. And as I mentioned at the beginning, the participants seem nice and they would be interesting to talk to. I can't say anything bad about them. It just... annoys me that this show can affect viewers in bad ways.

What do you think? Do you agree with me? :D I think that they should make a show of Tartu hospital, that would be fun. As I mentioned previously, we always ate three meals and three snacks. Same things. And people who were overweight LOST WEIGHT. So you don't need to diet, go to a weight loss show. And for snacks we always had half the chocolate bar, yoghurt, cakes, tarts, candies etc. So you don't need to only eat apples, really. Human body is quite smart and if you give it enough energy, things will balance out, you will see. I do think it is true that there is a set point where your body is happy to be.

Honestly, I am very subjective and wrote this all based on myself. I don't want to critizise anyone and I really don't have any issues with the people on the show. Just... a thing for thought. Hope we are clear.

Next week I have my psychologis appointment, I will tell her about this show, as it is on my mind. Interesting how many people actually watch it. My sister recommended me not to do it, but as I mentioned, I was too curious. :D

I am thinking of doing some shorter challenges soon. I have a lot of ideas that I haven't yet executed. But my working out challenge is coming to an end and also the one where I take pictures of my breakfasts. Then I also want to start some new longer ones, I am thinking of marking down my dinners. Recently I have tried some new foods and for example today I am going to make PASTA. Even though I had pasta on Saturday. I just wanted to, so. And I need to repeat the challenges, or they will forever remain scary. :D

Me and my friend thought about going to have pasta next time we meet up. Even though it is easy for her, as she is used to having it. But I don't know, I would gladly go to Vapiano pasta and pizza place. I have only been there once in my life. :D But at the moment I am checking their menu and pizzas also sound reallllyyy good.

I want to go eat out in many places in general. It would be expensive, but I want to try! List of all the restaurants and cafes I want to visit grows longer every day. :D I should make a plan to eat out every other week. Or if it is too much, in every 2 or 3 weeks.

I am looking forward to February a little. Not because I want to have non-vegan foods, but I have so many snacks I need to eat up. I haven't gotten anything non-vegan myself, and have focused more on buring (accidentally) vegan products. But I want to try the snacks. I don't like to waste food. So yeah, in that sense I am looking forward to finishing Veganuary. Even though I also haven't set a rule to myself that I CAN'T have anything non-vegan. I just see what I feel like and at the moment this feels good.

In my bullet journal I am tracking when I have overeating moments, but recently they haven't come up as much anymore. Well, I guess the last time was the second week of January. But now recently things have been fairly normal. But I still feel like it is a problem - I eat a lot and I feel full, but I still WANT something. I like eating. As I like the ACT of eating. It is difficult not to eat when I am watching something etc. :D 

I think I also reached the maximum in my workouts. I started with ten rounds and added one every day. Yesterday I got up to 30 and that is enough. Although this workout only takes like ten minutes, so I don't know if you can even call it a workout. Well, moving your body. But I am too lazy to do several rounds or something, but this means I don't see or feel any progress. Or maybe a little - pushups have become much easier. But in general there isn't any muscle growth or something.

I got for walks a lot. This year I have passed 10 000 steps every day. But my focus from the I need to walk has shifted and I genuinelt enjoy walking, enjoying the weather and thinking about blog posts etc. It is super nice when I can walk with someone. Last week me and my friend walked from my home to town center, it took us one and a half hours, hehe. :D But it was nice! It was snowing and everything was so clean and bright.

On some days I find myself thinking that I need to move more, but not a lot. And even if I don't reach the 10k steps, I don't really worry about it. On some days I walk more, on some days I walk less. It is normal.

This post is so random. But I don't even care really. I like talking to myself like this. As always, before posting I read it over, fix the typos and see if I have made my point clear. But it is still written on an emotion most of the times. Don't be too critical. Or discuss stuff calmly.

Anyway, yes, I will start some new challenges and I hope there will be more interesting posts coming soon. See you next time!

On the last post comments there was a lot of talking about if and how should one mark down the food they eat. Several times people talked about if I have enough protein in my diet and so on. Everything made a lot of sense, so I just wanted to say thank you for the comments. These kind of things are really helpful and I especially like when you make up stories about the stuff. Like this comment about builders.

Let me write it down here: For example if you compare building your organism with building site, then builders (organism's mechanisms) are already tired of saying "there aren't enough bricks", "there isn't enough sand", "there isn't enough rocks" etc. The guys are tired and they are saying "there is fucking nothing, we can't build like this, fuck you all! Bring some materials, then we can talk". Now when you start to eat, the builders don't start working right away. They just keep yelling "there aren't enough materials". I don't think you can give them everything until it reaches the right amount. If you only give them sand, the result is not a house, but a pile of sand and they don't stop yelling, because there still aren't enough bricks and rocks.

Toon välja selle koha: A’la, kui võrrelda organismi ülesehitamist ehitusplatsil toimuvaga, siis ehitajad (organismi intuitiivsed mehhanismid) on juba väsinud ütlemast “telliseid on vähe”, “liiva on vähe”, “tsementi on vähe” jne. Tüübid on tüdinud ja ütlevad “mitte s**tagi ei ole, niimoodi ehitada ei saa, minge te ka kõik p**sse! Tooge ehitusmaterjale, siis räägime edasi”.
Nüüd, kui hakkad sööma, siis ehitajad ei lülitu kohe ideaalsesse projektijuhtimisrutiini, vaid hoolimata sellest kas puudu puudu on telliseid, liiva või tsementi karjuvad igal juhul “ehitusmaterjale on vähe”. Ma ei usu, et sellises situatsioonis, kus organismi ehitajad karjuvad, et ehitusmaterjale on vähe, on päris ükstakõik, mis materjale neile kokku vedada, peaasi, et tonnid oleks kohal. Kui ainult liiva kohale vedada, siis ei ole tulemuseks maja vaid liivahunnik ja ehitajate karjumine ei pruugi vaiksemaks jääda, sest telliseid ja tsementi on ikka vähe.

At the same time I have read a lot about extreme hunger, so this seems legit as WELL. Especially if you read about Minnesota Starvation Experiment. So I still don't know what to think of the whole thing. 

But actually I wanted to say that I haven't had this moment of overeating now. Yes, I have had more food, but I have had it constantly. I don't restrict the whole day and then binge on food in the evening. Even though I have thought about doing OMAD (one meal a day) diet, because I could manage it well. Or devide my meals into two and skip lunch, because this feels the most pointless (and difficult).

Anyway, how I have been doing with veganuary? Very well! I have kept myself from having animal products and I don't really have to check ALL of the labels. I can already pick up stuff that is vegan. Sometimes I still check the package, but I now have a list of things I regularly have and this is nice. And I have tried sooooo many new things, my recap of new products this month will be super long. :D

Then at one point (literally this weekend) my sister moved and with this I knew that we were going to order food or pick something up from the supermarket. And my parents are not supportive of being completely vegan, so I needed to do something. And I ended up offering that as my sister's new flat is really nearby mine, I will make food and we can go and eat there during the day.

And then I took another step and decided on making pasta. The scaaarryyyy food that I am still unable to eat on my own. At one point it was already easier, but now I haven't had it in a while again. But at the same time I can say that potatoes and rice are completely fine with me and I am not scared of them anymore. Well, at least this goes for potatoes. Rice is so-so.

But in the morning at 5:30 I got up (I needed to be at the old flat by 8) and as I didn't make the food a day before, I needed to do that. Mostly because I was too lazy. But a little because I knew that if I made food earlier, I would have wanted to have it right away. This is so stupid.

Anyway I mixed up whole wheat pasta, added onion, garlic, seasonings (pepper, salt, persillade), sundried tomatoes, zucchini, chickpeas and I added oat cream to make it nice and creamy.

And everyone liked it! In addition to my family, my sister's friend was also helping us, and she is really good at cooking. But now they call my place "Signe's restaurant", which is so sweet. :D It was such a simple dish, but my sister never makes pasta and it is also not part of my parents' diet (maybe I find pasta difficult to eat, because we never made it at home? Ohhh, I think this may be it, hehe!). And we were hungry. But anyway, it was really fillinf and chickpeas deffinitely helped with that. My dad is one of the people mentioning protein all the time, so I thought of him when I added it. :D

For dessert I had chocolate banana bread, which I topped with coconut milk blueberry yoghurt. And everyone really liked this as well. :D I loved it, as it was the second time I made this banana bread already. :D I can write down the recipe, if anyone wants it, just let me know!

On Saturday we moved and on Sunday me and my sister went back to the old place to clean up. We went to get food from the store during the day and then we really craved for some coffee. I had a headache too, because I am used to having at least three cups a day. :D Luckily there is a small food store near our old place, that has a coffee machine. I went there, picked up some oatmilk and went back home. It was really nice. :D

Anyway, then we cleaned and defrosted the fridge, which took no less than SIX hours. I read "Painted man" (I haven't gotten too far) and it is amazing. It reminded me the time where I just read for several hours. It was really nice to read and have coffee. And me and my sister got to talk a little and just spend some time togeter, as we haven't done much of it recently.

Today I am planning to make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup. For two days, because tomorrow we still need to go back to the old flat, as some stuff was STILL left behind. I just didn't have enough hands yesterday to carry all the bags. :D And then it is good to have prepared dinner for tomorrow. And I just need to heat it up. If you want the recipe, again, let me know. 

Anyway, there is stil la bit of Veganuary left... are there any foods that I should really try and make? I have been good and made quite a bit of new things, not only had my baked sweet potato and vegan patties (even though I have had those as well, sometimes I am busy or just crave for it. And it is not a bad thing to have). But yeah, I would like to try out some new things still. :D

I am still thinking of eating fully plant based after January, but in February I will have all the sweets and snacks people have brought me, because I don't want them to go bad. And I have to admit I have a lot of snacks.

Is there anything else I need to mention in this post? Hmmm...

I really want to go to Commune Cafe with my friend. We are hopefully meeting up on Wednesday. I should ask her. 

And on Wednesday the first episode of "Expensive calories" is airing. I will probably live-blog it. And I wanted to say that this is all ONLY my opinion, I don't want to bring anyone down or leave an impression that I know how people are feeling. I am just writing this as an anorexia sufferer. :)

I will also try and add more pictures to my instagram stories, I haven't done it much recently.

Anyway, have a beautiful snowy January!

I have always avoided writing about it, because it just doesn't make sense and I don't know what to believe. But at the same time I need to admit that this is in full force and I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to run with it. What am I talking about? About my new friend - extreme hunger.

This is awful, honestly. I just eat and eat and eat and cry and eat some more, because I am ne-ver full. I doesn't matter how much food I have, I still feel like I could go for more. I do understand it a bit though - my body has been starving and it wants to eat all that I missed. But it is awful. It is difficult both mentally and physically, because I am always super full and bloated.

But at the same time I am not the only one living through this thing. I have talked to many oter sufferers who say that they are in a same place. As soon as you finish one meal, you start to dream about the next one and this continues every single day.

Up until now I haven't really let myself go. I have had all the meals in my own tempo and during "mealtimes". But I have done it more recently! Like when I am still hungry after lunch, I let myself have something else and I think that this is right and it is how I should do. I don't think I should suffer hunger. But at the same time I still have this fear of overeating and I wonder if I end up in TV on some freaky show about food addicts.

Regarding this, I was told about an Estonian TV show called "Expensive calories" and ohhhhhh boyyyyy how angry it made me. I am pretty sure that these people just need psychologist appointments, not put into one room with a fridge full of unhealthy snacks, food and drinks. Honestly, most of their problems are mental and they should start with this. But nooooo, let's think about how to make money and ruin these people. If you are thin and all that, you are pretty and all the other problems just disappear. People admire you and you feel good and you are healthy. NO. Believe me, I have been through this. I lost over 20 kilos and do you think I felt better? Do you think my life was good, I got attention and all of my dreams came true? No, no and no. Honestly, things became much worse. I couldn't focus on anything, my attention span was really bad, I couldn't think about anything else than food. I didn't CARE about attention, I was too tired to do anything. This TV show will make it's participants' relationship with food even worse. And they can say that omg, this is the best thing that has happened to me and I feel so good and everything is fine, but is it really? I guess they need to keep up good attention and they will get a lot of spotlight. But, for God's sake, don't people think about the results? How this may affect people with eating disorders? There are a lot of people suffering from ED-s, I am too lazy to Google the percentage, but it is not small! A lot of people suffer without realising it. And then let's just make it into a TV show and make people feel bad about eating? Like, hell, this makes me angry.

I know that this TV show will have triggering effect on me and I am sure I want to start restricting again. But I can't NOT watch it either, so on Wednesday you will find me in front of my TV, angry and upset. But I am curious. I have this weird feeling. I just wish that they didn't do this experiment on people who have completely other kind of problems. Aaah. I can't even write my thoughts down in a way that it would make sense. Maybe some other bloggers can. I just wanted to share my frustration.

What else has happened? I completed a huge challenge. I hadn't had rice this year yet, but I was really craving for it. And then I thought I have a lot of beans Globus sent me, I should try and make some chilli or something. I really like chilli, but I hadn't made it in ages. So I went to the store and got rest of the ingredients.

My completely random recipe had garlic, onion, carrots, red kidney beans, green pepper, can of crushed tomatos, some corn and from seasonings I added chilli powder, Korean chilli paste, salt, pepper, coriander and cumin. Oh, and some sugar to balance out the tartness of tomatos. But you can leave it out. And I made some porridge rice. I like this more than normal kind, because it reminds me of sushi rice, a bit sticky. And it is chepaer than sushi rice, so this is a great hack. :D

Anyway, I had a lot of it. I made it enough to have three portions, but considering I am a volume eater, I knew I would have it twice. I put half of it in the fridge to have on the next day. As my sister is about to move, I needed to go to her place and help with packing and I wouldn't have had time to cook anyway, so it was nice to have leftovers.

It is always difficult for me to make food for several days in a row, because whenever I have cooked food at home, I always want to finish it. So then I keep saying that I don't like to have the same meal several days in a row. Though in all honesty, it is no problem, especially if the food is tasty.

Now in January I have this breakfast challenge going on, where I take pictures of all of my breakfasts. I am wondering if it would be interesting to see what I have for dinners? Maybe it would be an idea for February. I wouldn't do it with lunches though, because I eat at work where taking pictures is just weird and my lunch is usually some packaged food from the store. It would be challenge to cook at home and take it to work though. I will think about it. :D

But yeah, that is all from me for today. I want to tell more about my challenges, but they are still ongoing, hehe. :D

When my friend came over and we had the pizza night, we talked about not having anything to do and to waste time, we go out for walks. Like... I used to have hobbies. Where have they gone?

For example I used to watch a lot of films and even anime. At the moment I am not doing this at all, because I feel like I can't focus for that long. It is much easier to watch Youtube videos, becuse in general they are not that long and when I don't like something, I can pick another one. So yeah, I am not really a fan of watching TV. Yesterday I took a look around in Netflix and I thought that oh, maybe I should watch this or that, but then I checked how long it is and decided that I don't have enough energy for that. And I didn't want it to play on the background either, because it would be such a waste. Only thing I have sort of managed to watch is My Kitchen Rules, but this also annoys me, because they always repeat the episodes and I have seen them already. :D

Then... I used to attend a choir practice. But I don't think starting to sing at home randomly would be a nice thing to do (even though in the last place I lived, there was a girl who was an opera singer and I could hear her practicing all the time). But yeah, that is a no from me.

I have never been a dancer and honestly even thinking about it makes me embarrassed. I have turned on some music more loudly and done some steps, but as soon as I do it, I pause the music and sit back down. This is not for me!

What else? I used to read a lot. I read one a day or was awake half of the night in order to read. But at the moment I don't have enough patience, attention and I am just not feeling like it. It just seems so boring. And like... a waste of time, even though it isn't. Because is watching Youtube better?! Also I should contact the magazine I ordered as I have not received my January one. I just saw that they took money from my account but I still haven't gotten it. But yeah, considering me, I wouldn't even read it.

In addition to these things, a big role in my life has sport. I used to love (and still do) running and all kinds of group workouts, but this is not possible at the moment. It is slippery and cold outside and I don't have proper gear to run.

Also, I would like to, I don't know, learn languages or something. But all kinds of group things are paused due to corona. It is depressing. Today I came to the office simply to get out of the house, because I feel I will go mad at home.

Anyway, considering all this, I go for walks a lot. Like yesterday I walked to the one shopping center THREE times. Firstly in the morning to buy some decorations for home (which I think is really pretty, hahaa :D).

Then later I thought I will make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup as I just came across a recipe and I decided to go and buy some kimchi. And all of the kimchi was gone. I was really upsed because I really wanted that soup. Oh well.

And then in the evening I was like... I should go to the store and get some soya yoghurt. Even though I still have half a tub of coconut yoghurt and I planned to have porridge for breakfast anyway. But I STILL went outside and walked to the store, I just couldn't keep still and I was sooooo bored.

When I get home it was still quite some time until dinner, there was nothing on the TV and I was bored of the computer. So I finally picked up my scrapbook and started one for 2021! It was kind of nice to work on it, but as I don't have printed out pictures, I couldn't really do much. I should look at the photos I have taken and send them to be printed out.

It was kind of calming. I had a weird feeling all day and a bit of anxiety, so it was nice to have some time for myself. I had some tea on the side and just wrote stuff down. It was really nice. But at the same time I still felt like "ugh I don't feel like doing it". I pushed it aside, but it still was on my mind. :S I don't know if scrapbooking is called a hobby, but it is a nice activity that I do on my free time so I guess? I don't know.

We will see what I do next. I guess I should take this list of things and try all the activities, maybe I like somethign again. Is this what depression is, just laying on bed or on a sofa and stare at the ceiling? Honestly, I would even pick an obsession right now, like Korean music used to be. Because I am just... so... bored.

But it was nice that on Saturday a couple of friends and a relative came over. They brought me so many things. ;_; A lot of vegan products, but also something interesting, for example NATO parcel CAN OF BREAD?! This was weird, haha. :D But well, I can say that I am ready for a zombie apocalypse.

Also, what else - blogging is a hobby as well. Yep, this is probably the only thing I have done constantly and feel like doing. :D

Bullet journaling is also kind of the same. You make some pretty decorations and can do habit tracking and mood tracking and so on. It is interesting to see. I try and do something every day, but on some days I still skip. 

Mmmmmm I am thinking what else I did at the hospital. I solved sudokus! And drew! And... solved puzzles, coloured... but in general I just wasted time. I don't know, this walking around makes me feel good. The act of moving. It soothes my nerves and lets me think, like usually I make plans about blogposts or something. Anyway, all in all I want to say that if you want to go for a walk, tell me and let's do it together. :D I always need to have a goal when I go for a walk, especially when I am alone. And usually it is a store. Because I just can't walk around aimlessly. With someone it is fine, but I almost always go for a walk alone.

Yes, I don't keep my walking at the minimum any more, because I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I can allow myself to use some energy. To feel good. And I eat so much, I never walk off all the calories I consume. So yeah, thins are progressing... somehow.

Today I have my psychologist appointment and I am scared of it. And not because I have lost weight, the opposite. I have gained TOO MUCH from the last visit. Like a lot. Several kilos. :S When will things be alright?

At the moment my main problems are: disinterest, boredom, need to move, short attention span, depression, eating too much.

Like I felt SO hungry on one night. I had had all my meals and snacks and then I still kept eating and eating and in the end I went to sleep crying. At 8 pm. Because I thought I will never stop. This really scared me. Later I understood that it was because I was restricting a bit during the week. This is a dead sycle.

I am so freaking upset that my weight has gone up so much. And then I decided to restrict a bit and for a few days ate less and omg, I lost 100 grams and then I couldn't do it anymore and started to eat normally again and at the moment I don't care about my weight but in 5 minutes I do and feel shit again. And then yesterday at work someone randomly asked me if I have gained weight and I just... YES I HAVE but who asks things like this?! I would never think about going up to someone and asking if they have gained weight. Aaaargh. Phew, finally got it out at least.

As it is new year and everything is closed in Tallinn, I decided to work out a little at home. I made this really basic list of exercises and I started with doing 10 pushups, 10 ab exercises, 10 squats and 10 seconds of blank. And like, not only one type of ab exercises, several. I just can't really show them in the blog here, haha. :D And then every day I add one. Like on the second of January I did 11 of everything etc. I don't know how long until I stop adding them, but we will see.

On the second day when my muscles hurt (!!! I couldn't believe it, I have to be super weak) I got kind of scared as sore muscles is a symptom of corona. :D Then I quickly tried if I can smell something and taste food before I remembered that oh yeah, I exercised.

Currently I have done it for... three days. xD What a dicipline, right! I am not expecting any big changes, but I just think that moving my body a little is a good thing.

I have tried doing some yoga as well, but I just am too unmotivated to follow along a YouTube video. :S This sucks. I wish I was in a yoga class, where there aren't any distractions and where I don't have other option than to follow along. At home, there have been many times where I have started a video, but in 5 minutes I pause it and turn it off, because I don't feel like it. So yeah, I don't really have much motivation, haha.

In general the motivation aspect kind of sucks, I don't see it increasing. I thought that maybe it helps if I go back to the office, but currently it has been the same. But it is the first official workday this year (I am writing this on 4th of January) and I don't know how things will go. I don't really feel this "new year new me" thing.

I got some really nice comments on my post complaining about having nothing to do. Regards this I think that I really need to pick up some hobbies again. But I am too lazyyyyyy. How can a person be this lazy?! Or I don't know. It is always easier to say that ah I will do it later, ah I will do it tomorrow etc. And then tomorrow never comes. It was the same with my eating disorder at first, I always thought about tomorrow. Finally I am here though. :D We shall see, maybe at one point I do end up picking up some hobbies again. A person can dream.

Haha, I started this post as a fitness influencer, but now it has become just some whining on my part. :D I will try to be better. Anyway with fitness, I will try to follow these exercises at least for a month. Then this is kind of an accomplishment, as it was with the stretching routine I did.

Right now it is sixth day and some other muscles have become sore now. :D I added some exercises, so that's why. Also recently I haven't really been walking outside, but I want to move. It is also nice to make a list of exercises on yoru own, because then you can mix them up etc.

It is kind of funny that my cat is super confused when I get down on all fours and start doing the pushups. He always comes and stares at me and sometimes lays down UNDER me. I don't know, he must like a roof made out of a person, haha. :D

Yesterday I was like, I am too lazy to do it, but then I remembered it is only 5th day and I am not about to give up. :D But regarding this - maybe I have reached my limit. But at the same time I want to reach at least 30 (currently it is 15). Then this would be of some use.

Anyway yes, moving yourself a little seems to be a good thing. And what is also nice - I don't have to do everything at once. Like on one day I warmed up some food in the microwave and during this time I added some exercises, right there in the kitchen. You have to be clever! :D

Ideally I would keep this habit up all year. It doesn't take much time, it is healthy and nice. And then every month I could see my progress. Like do the exercises get easier or do I see or feel a difference. This very mild sore muscle pain is actually nice as well! But I don't want to get obsessed with these exercises. I don't want to think that it is a catastrophe when I don't do them on one day. But I will try to last at least for January.

What I also wanted to write about is that me and my friend had a pizza night. And it was sooooo difficult. Weight played a huge role in it, because the number was a lot bigger on that day. And then I thought about skipping lunch or not having breakfast etc. But I made this yoghurt bowl thingy for breakfast and had some proper food during lunch. And I also had snacks. And after the pizza I had some sweets as well. So yeah, I kind of got over it. But on the next morning the weight was up even more and it is really bothering me. For some time I was okay with it, but this comment my coworker made is still on my mind and I just feel very negative in general.

But! Of course we ordered from this Mega Good Pizza place. Mexican pizza and Thai pizza, on which we changed sundried tomatoes into vöner (vegan kebab). I have never ordered from a place as much than I have from there. Also the pizzas tasted amazing. Honestly. I will never stop hyping them up. And then me and my friend thought that we should have a pizza night every month or something. And get pizzas from new places.

In general the night was really cool. We got to talk about things that connect us, have some pizza and drink Pepsi Max lime of course. Perfect combination. After that we went to walk around for a bit, also stopped at the store. I wanted to get Biscoff, but it wasn't in stock. At least I got those gingerbread butter cookies I am yet to ry.

Anyway, regarding the pizzas, I have ordered them many times with my other friend. And even if he says that he hasn't eaten all day, he never finishes one. I don't understand. Because honestly, as soon as I finish, I feel like I could have another one and also top it off with a kilo of ice cream. I just crave everything all the time. Also on yesterday evening I felt full, but I still wanted to have something. I just like the act of eating. Then I watched some TV and ate. A lot.

Oeh, I don't know. When will things normalize for me?

 

So from the first of January I started to live my vegan life. It has not been long, but I have discovered a lot of snacks to have, foods to have an several recipes to try. At the same time I am thinking that I won't throw away stuff that is not vegan. Like chocolates or cookies that I have already bought. I will come back to them in February and finish them off. I don't want to waste food.

What is surprising for me is the thing that every food item seems to have milk powder in it?! Like, I wanted to buy crisps, and all the packages I looked at - milk powder, milk powder, milk powder. Like why? :D Well, I did found some that just had potatoes, oil and salt, but there were only few like this. And also there isn't many other flavours. But I won't give up! I have found some things that are waiting for me to try them. I will write more about them when I am posting about vegan products I tried in January.

Anyway yes, it is interesting to discover and try new things. I need to think more about what I am eating. But yeah, it kind of bothers me that me as a new vegan have to check every single package to be sure. :D But well, I guess I will get used to it. Thus I like the stuff that have a vegan sign on them, then I am sure I can have it. :D Although it is nice to find accidentally vegan stuff.

Anyway today has been very good. I made a fry up with smoked tofu, potatoes, mushrooms and onion, inspired by a recipe I found online. I boiled the potatoes for a bit and then added it all to the pan. It tasted amazing. It would have been good without tofu as well, but it had become a fear food so I wanted to challenge myself. Anyway, it was tasty. Like I used to have fried potatoes with onion and ham for example? :D And this brought back those memories. And of course thanks to tofu I got some protein in. I have too many carbs I feel like. :D

What else have I had for dinners - well, those nori sausages (the ones I made myself were better, but they were okay too) and then I also added some pickled mushrooms and fried sauerkraut as well as potatoes with onion. I have had really simple meals. I would like to try out more recipes, but I don't like having the same meals for several days in a row. Like tomorrow I will have to have the tofu potato thing again, but yeah. It was at least very good. I think I wanna do the meal prep challenge at one point. Wanna make several foods to be ready for a week. And then I can have a meal every other day or so. Weird that my lunch on the other hand can be the same every day, haha. :D

What is in my menu today is also a full pint of vegan ice cream, I hope it tastes good. :D I haven't bought this company's ice cream before. And yes - I will have the whole pint. I can't just have some of it. Also lately I have been snacking less during the day and having more snacks in the evenings. Then I don't get this weird binge thing as well. Besides, I have enough food during the day and then during the snack times I don't even feel hungry. I am not even hungry during the night, but I just WANT stuff and I don't want to restrict it. Otherways I keep thinking about it and can't get my mind off of it.

Usually I would have thought that Halo Top ice cream only gives HALF of the calories, but at the same time - if you have tried it, you know it isn't very good. :D I like Breyers more, especially their vegan ice cream, which is nice. But still, I wanted to challenge myself extra hard and had a normal ice cream. Or well, vegan ice cream. But it is normal. It is kind of annoying to keep writing vegan ice cream... so if you read my posts in January, you should know I am referring to vegan stuff. :D

I bet that before falling asleep I keep looking at vegan recipes, as this is a whole new world. Exciting!

And on Wednesday I have a friend coming over, we are planning to order pizza from this one place. There are a few I still haven't tried. At one point I was like, I want some pizza and I was about to buy frozen one, when I remembered that we are going to have a pizza night anyway. :D Honestly, don't they have a regular customer program or something, I always get pizza from there. :D

Today morning I made a new kind of breakfast, but I will write about it at the end of January, as I decided to document all of my breakfasts. Anyway, it was a change from porridge, which I can't really believe. I wanted to make pancakes on another day, but I was too lazy. Maybe next weekend, we shall see!

There are several more challenges I started at the beginning of January. I am interested to see if I can stick to them. I have been doing well for three days. :D But when I came to work today, I almost faced a failure. We don't have plant milk at work! Luckily there is a store really close by and I managed to get some Alpro barista almond milk. Lucky! It is no life without coffee.

I feel a little bit better than I did when I was writing my previous post, but I still feel a bit "meeh". I try to focus on things I want to do, but there are... only few of them. But I guess I will write about them soon. As someone commented, maybe my hobbies would give some inspiration to others. My hobbies currently aren't as exciting as they used to be (like bouldering, but still, maybe it would be useful. And from you guys I would still like to know what you are DOING to survive this sitting at home due to corona thing. Oeh.

What promises did you make for the new year? I have to admit that my Coca Cola Zero addiction is still going strong. Can't help it... :D But I will stick to veganuary for sure! Also, if you really recommend some vegan products, that would be awesome and I will name my next 23 cats after you.

Hey.

So I am writing this post on 31st of December and it is morning time.

That's it. Last day of the year 2020. What a year! So many ups and downs, but in general quite a positive one. At least for me. Although, I don't know. Recently (during the period between Chrismas and now) it has been really difficult. With the depression. I have been alone a lot and I just... I don't know. Everything seems pointless again, as there is nothing much to do. I sit in the computer all day at work and then do the same during my free time. Sometimes I talk to people, but in general everything is so... bland. I survived corona spring well, but now it is soooooo haaaard to handle the situation. I want to do something, go somewhere. I don't know. I just feel super pointless. I don't know how other people are handling this? What do you DO?

But in general...

I was home from the hospital and I could manage my eating and moving. And the beginning of it... was awful. I lost the weight I had gained in Tartu very fast. Until this summer it finally clicked in my head and I was like, okay, I can't keep going like this. And until now, m weight has gone up and I understand I have to keep it going like this. On some days it is more difficult and I don't feel like doing this, but in general... I have managed somehow. And sometimes I get this feeling of what the heck, I am doing so well and then I feel good and the number on the scale doesn't affect me as much. It is extra nice when my friends are telling me that I am being good. Then I think that yes, they are someone to hold on to.

I wanted to mention that as someone commented, I always think that I can only gain weight until I reach the minimum normal scale. And this commentator said that why don't you make the line on the upper half of normal weight? This gives me more room and then I was like... well that is a gread idea! Instead of gaining 6 more kilos I can then gain, I don't know, 16? :D Anyway, if you struggle with this, maybe thinking like that helps. I don't think about it all the time, but when I am feeling extra shitty, this take on the things really does help.

I still worry about overeating. Like yesterday night I had some sort of a binge and I had a lot of chocolate. Like the whole 100 grams. And I still had all my regular meals and sancks. And then now I am feeling quite shitty, but also not... not that strong guilt. I am thinking that this is a weird time and I guess I just needed this chocolate.I had been thinking about it all week and probably should have given in and had a little bit each day. This would have made it out the same, but I would have felt better I guess. Huhh. It is a relief to write it out. It is kind of difficult to admit. So yeah, don't feel guilty if you have had a little too much chocolate during Christmas and New Year. When else?

Anyway, I will not plan on going on a diet at the beginning of 2021. But I want to avoid similar binge moments and I will instead allow something good to myself every day. Also, I have really kept on the hospital schedule and I really want to get rid of it. It is this awful circle of staring at the clock, thinking ohhh in 1,5 hours I can eat again. It should be that when I want food, I eat it! Simple as that. Even if I am not hungry, but feel like having something. I am pretty sure that as soon as I allow myself to have things, it becomes much easier and I don't have as many cravings. At least I try to tell this to myself. On some days it works, on some days it doesn't. What can you do, this is life.

Japan was this year. Unbelievable. We were so lucky to have been there before corona. :D And well, we are planning to go back on 2021 autumn, so I hope travelling is open again at that time. I looked at some pictures from Japan and I miss it sooooo much. Not only travelling or Japan as a country, but I miss friends. We were so freaking happy at that time, I am feeling sick thinking about it. :D All the places we were, all the things we tried... my friend sent me and my other friend a parcel from Japan and I already tried everything, hehe. I always leave stuff and not eat it but I was like nope, not this time. :D Someone took their time to send me a thing and don't eat it?! No way. You don't get gifts from Japan every day. I am super happy she sent me some Japanese curry, this stuff is like drugs. :D

But yeah, I want to go back. Me and my friend rememebered stuff yesterday and it felt so good. Also, when we opened the parcel, we did a video chat and it was so nice. Should do it more often.

Then next big accomplishment was buying a flat. My. Own. Flat! I have a home?! And it is completely mine and I can do what I want and everything is okay and I control my own surroundings. This helped me greatly to become more sure of myself. And it shows me that I manage on my own. I was sure I could, but to see it is really nice. On some days I feel a little lonely and then I am sat on the sofa and Motu comes, puts his cheek against mine and everything is okay again. And then on some occasions I still get this feeling of omg this is my home?! :D Yesterday when my friend was over we talked about how I need to put my small Christmas tree away soon and it feels so sad and then she was like - you can buy something to replace it. And like... yes?! I can! I have always dreamed about decorating my own place so yeah... this is really a dream coming true.

Friends. There are such amazing people around me. I have opened myself more and what is more important - people have opened up to me. I feel that I am in a better place now and I can finally help others. This is really important for me.

My friends have surprised me a lot. Some of them sent me Christmas cards, one of them sent me a parcel to my WORKPLACE. Like really, I have no words. :D And all the meetups and talks. I have been feeling quite lonely recently, but thinking about it makes me feel happy and warm.

Family stuff as well. Our relationships have not been too good always. But last times we have met up, it has been really nice. No fights, no arguments, everyone are accepting of each other. No tiptoeing around stuff. We just have a laugh and chill. I never imagined this time would come. I enjoy spending time together now. I used to feel really stressed when my parents came to Tallinn or when I went home, but now it is completely normal. I don't go to Viljandi too often, but all these times I have been there, it has been nice and positive. I hope I don't jinx it now...

Work. This year was... challenging. I still can't believe that from the first of January I wasn't unemployed and didn't need to go work in a store as a cashier (honestly though, it wouldn't even be a bad job. You do your shift, close the door behind you and it is done. I even applied for some jobs like this). But about work - I have gotten a lot of positive feedback recently and it has made me believe in myself again. This feels good.

Events. There haven't been too many this year, but there have been some. Like Tallinn Music Week where I was as a press and I am glad they still hosted it, despite the corona thing! And also some other events, like work trips and such. Can't really complain.

But yeah, there have been a lot of negative stuff too. Firstly I can bring out corona. Also - my aunt is positive. She is doing well, but we are still asking her often how she is doing. She said that the hardest part is sitting at home, it is super boring. :D I can totally understand this.

Depression and an eating disorder. What can I do, can't skip those. At least at the moment I am doing a lot better than, let's say, half a year ago. Last 3-4 months have been positively stable. Things are getting back to normal and I feel like living is not that bad. :D I don't feel like not existing anymore. Except for the recent days now. But it seems a bit weird time for everyone.

I don't really know what else to say about negatives and to be honest I don't even want to do this. It is good to think about positives more, or you just set yourself up for something bad to happen, this sucks. I have tried to manifest every day that it will be a good one and I can accomplish many things, if only I wish so. It sometimes seems to work.

I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the eating disorder won't get a stronger hold again. But I do think a lot about restricting, relapse and I am even feeling jealous of people who are thinner than me. It is stupid, right? But I am just not used to my new body yet, I am not friends with them. It will come, I am sure. I hope so at least. At the moment I am on purpose avoiding mirrors. Sometimes it is successful, sometimes not.

But now that it is January, I am doing veganuary (vegan January challenge). I will try and have 100% vegan stuff this month! And from then on I will decide according to the situation - if I don't have another option, I may have some cheese or eggs, but yeah. Generally I want to move towards full veganism. I think it is completely doable - I have been living alone for quite some time and on the days I haven't been to anywhere, I have had only vegan food. In relation to this, I will now write about vegan products I tried in December:

Alpro kookose-ananassi jogurt (Alpro coconut-pineapples yoghurt)

I couldn't find it on an Estonian store webpages, but I found it in Rimi. It was quite expensive, 1,75 euros for 120 grams, but I really wanted to try it. I couldn't taste coconut at all, but it did have a lot of pineapple in it. I really liked it. Probably one of the best vegan yoghurts I have tried in general. 8/10.

I had it at work during a snack break and for several days I kept dreaming about it. :D But yeah, the price wasn't that inviting. Like, sometimes I have a full lunch for cheaper. But I recommend to try it. A proper yoghurt! Best yoghurt from Alpro at least. I am glad it is even in small stores, because usually vegan range is also small.

Kalevi tume šokolaad jõhvika ja kaerahelbega (Kalev dark chocolate with cranberries and oats)

I can't believe that this is 2020 special chocolate and you can't have it after that. :( I think I need to stock up. This is totally one of my favourites! Best new chocolate I have discovered. And usually I am not a fan of fruits in chocolate.

Anyway yes, it was in my drawer for a while and I ignored it. I don't even know, why. I hadn't had chocolate in a while, I guess that's the reason. But now I opened it and can have it several times in a row. I would rate it 9/10.

Honestly I have thought that I can join two first snacks of the day and have a whole 100 grams of chocolate in one go, maybe then I would be satisfied? :D I don't know, it is so easy to have chocolate. I know the calories, but for some reason it is easier to eat than nuts, which is a great fear food. I should have them more, that means. We will see, maybe I will get to this point some time.

I can eat even more nuts in one go. Like, I tell you - me and my sister sometimes have a whole 500 grams between us. After meals and snacks.

Violife pitsajuust (Violife pizza cheese)

So I made pizza for my housewarming party and I managed to find this cheese from Prisma. And it smelled and tasted exactly like the real thing when I tried it before baking. :D It was amazing! I don't know, I don't think it was because I haven't had real cheese in a while. But yeah, I couldn't taste the difference from regular cheese.

On pizza it was a bit sticky, but well, cheese is cheese. :D And non-vegan-vegetarian guests didn't say it was bad either, so they probably liked it, hehe. I would like to know what cheese they use in Mega Hea Pizza place, is it the same? I feel like theirs is a bit better melted.

Anyway, for this I would give 7/10, the taste is good, but it was a bit strange after baking. But I liked it in general. I would like to try some more vegan cheeses. I thought about buying some slices to make sandwiches with. With vegan butter, cucumber and cheese, nom. Sounds really good!

Scotti mandlipiim (Scotti almond milk)

This is the worst plant milk I have ever had. :D I bought it, because it was on the sale and I had ran out of milk. But I will never make this mistake again. It has a very strong almond taste, which I didn't think will be bad. But it was exactly like this. :D All the time I used it, I couldn't even enjoy my coffee. :D It was really bitter, couldn't even have it with cereal. Finally I just poured it down the sink, because it was so awful. I am never really giving out bad ratings, but this was totally 0/10.

Läätse pikkpoiss (Lentil loaf)

Made by Marta Pagar company, I had been wanting to try it for ages. It was the price again that didn't make me really want to buy it. But it was on sale, yay! I thought that I am unable to have the full thing on my own, but I just cut it up and put it in the freezer. I can have it when I need a quick meal, as it is precooked.

I made a proper Christmas dinner with it, added some potato-onion mix, roasted cabbage and of course pickled pumpkin. It was quite good! Probably not my favourite product of theirs, but still pretty nice and hearty. With a little ketchup, it was awesome.

For the rating, I would give it 6/10. It was nothing special, but when I think that others are having a meat loaf and blood sausage then... it was a pretty good alternative.

Vebab (Vegan kebab)

It took a while before I tried it, but I finally did. I never found it in the store, but Coop is now my local shop and they had it. The store has a good vegan selection, but unfortunately they don't sell vegan cheese. 

I really liked vebab. It was a bit mushy, but tasted awesome. But if you want a proper vegan kebab, I recommend vöner. But yeah, I made a Christmassy dinner once more and what was left over, I put in the freezer once again. I liked this more than lentil loaf, it is made by the same company. 8/10. It will probably became a regular thing in my menu.

Hummus musta küüslauguga (Hummus with black garlic)

I have this habit of snacking in the evenings, a lot. So I took this hummus, THREE bell peppers, whole cucumber and 250 grams of cherry tomatoes. And enjoyed them with it. I have been wanting to try it for a while. I once bought it from a vegan fest, but it was too scary and went bad in my fridge. What a waste!

Honestly though, it was not my favourite hummus. I think I like hummus with sundried tomatoes and basil the most, it reminds me a pate I used to have as a kid. :D But in general it was still good. I wish it had more garlicy taste though. It was also on sale, but on other times the price is quite high. 7/10 from me. I thought it would be better, so I was a little disappointed.

To finish this post, I wish you all a happy new year and hope that the next year, in 2021 you can say that it was a good one.