I Won't Quote

I was talking to a friend on a random subject and she mentioned buying cheese, even though she is not a huge fan. To this I said that I love cheese, but it is a fear food. She asked if there are any foods or things that I am not afraid of? This made me think and gave me this idea for today's post.

So I will write down things with comments that I am okay with eating and with what I don't get this "too much" emotion that usually comes with food.

1. Vegetables - this is so basic. But for real, vegetables are okay. Potatoes are a bit eh - if I haven't had them for a long time, then I will get some fear, but usually these are fine. I can have all the veggies though, it doesn't matter if they are frozen or fresh, salads etc. No emotion at all. I think I could have vegetables 24/7 and it would be super easy.
2. Fruits and berries - everything is okay, except for mango and banana. Probably because these are more calorie dense. The easiest are melons, citrus, strawberries, cherries, blackberries and all kinds of berries in general. Recently I have bought bigger bananas to add to my breakfast and I also have some frozen mango cubes to challenge my fears.
3. Rice - yes, rice! This was a suprise for me, but it is true. I can have quite a substantial amount of rice without feeling bad. But to get here, I have put in a lot of work. I have repeated the challenge over and over again. Thinking about it actually makes me laugh now. I was so scared. :D Like, why? Why am I afraid of food?!
4. Eggs - eggs are completely fine. Except for when I have to make an omelette with three eggs, right. :D Actually it plays a role that in omelette I usually have more things, like cheese for example. And then three seems too much. But at the same time having 3 fried or boiled eggs would be completely fine.
5. Cottage cheese - sometimes I get this feeling of having to pick less calories one, light version. I have tried to challenge it recently and picked according to the taste, not calores. For example my latest obsession is this new cottage cheese we have in Estonia that has spicy tomato flavouring. Anyway, yeah, cottage cheese is fine and I can have it with pretty much everything. I also like sweet cottacge cheese, for example with some fresh jam or something.
6. Egg noodles - this is absurd. :D I can have egg noodles with vegetables, mushrooms and all kinds of things. I love wok dishes for example. But at the same time regular pasta (which is pretty much the same thing) or ramen noodles (which is the same thing) scare me shitless. :D I just don't get it.
7. Oatmeal and porridge - no wonder I have it for every breakfast. I think that if I didn't though, I would become scared again - just like with rice or egg noodles. I love starting my day with something I am not scared of.
8. Salsa, ketchup, mustard - I don't know why these, but I can have them. :D There was a period me and my sister had a lot of tortilla bowls, meaning adding a lot of tortilla fillings in a bowl with salsa (I mean also rice and beans and all these kind of things, not just vegetables). Also ketchup is fine with oven baked fries, eggs and plant based cutlets. Mustard too. Mayo is a huge fear, unless it is "light" version.
9. Chickpeas and beans - these have also become safe thanks to challengeing them a lot. There was a period I made all kinds of stews and stuff and avoided chickpeas. Now I have started adding them more and my fear of them has become less. With beans, I make a lot of jacket potatoes with beans and cheese and thus I have gained food freedom around them.
10. Sushi - as I have gotten over my fear of rice, sushi has become quite safe. This is also one of the things I can have as a takeaway and it is not made by me. Recently, especially in May, having sushi became a norm. :D We ordered some on my birthday, then I had it with friends and now we ordered it on Saturday. And who knows, maybe next weekend we will have it again!
11. Dumplings (gyoza) - maybe a bit funny thing to write down. I also have to be really specific here - I can have gyoza with vegetables or mushrooms, but for example the ones filled with potato are still a fear. One thing I want to challenge. Ah, there are also these salmon and cheese filled gyoza I love, but haven't had in a while and am a bit scared of.
12. Fish - this is actually surprising for me. I guess having a lot of sushi has helped. And having some fish cutlets. Believe it or not, but I have had it so much that it has become safe. It is a bit more difficult to have a portioned fish though, as usually it comes without calorie label (I sometimes check them to make myself feel safer). So salmon in my alphabet challenge is still going to happen. :D But in general fish is okay.

Well, I think this is all. It seems so... little. Considering how many fear foods I have. I think I need to pick a new thing to tackle, exactly like I have done with rice (rice is the best example). For example I could have quinoa or bulgur or buckwheat or something instead of rice... would be good. Quinoa is somewhy especially huge fear. :D

Anyway yeah, I hope that the next time I am thinking about writing a similar post, there are too many safe foods to write them all down.

Today is Monday and there is a new challenge with letters J, K and L. This is kind of scary. But more on that on Friday!

New week, time to start with a new challenge which was the letter G.

G was gummies, and I picked some I bought in Japan. They were plum ones and covered in sour sugar and they were soooo good. I didn't even feel guilty, which was surprising. But maybe because I really liked them and I didn't get this feeling of wasting calories, which usually comes when something is less than perfect.



I would have done all the challenges on one day (meaning hot chocolate and extra fat ice cream as well), but we had some rum cake (which my sister's friend made) and we needed to have those first. About this, you can say I was put into an unexpected situation a bit, as I was not ready for it. And this was one of the goals for this week. Also the weekend in general was like this, because my sister's friend came over and we made tortillas. It is easy to 1) overeat 2) not know how much you are eating and both of these things happened. Also we snacked a lot. But well, at least I can say I fulfilled my goal. :D

With the letter H, it was hot chocolate. I picked a dark chocolate one (I have a bunch of different one serving pouches at home and I just took one at random). With dark chocolate it sort of feels like it is healthier (even though there actually is NO DIFFERENCE), but I really like dark chocolate. For example my favourite one is dark chocolate with cranberries and oats. This is 2020 special chocolate so I should maybe stock up... it is also completely vegan too.



This hot chocolate was... okay. Nothing special. I was surprised that it wasn't bothering me that it was liquid calories and all that. It was nice to have it, especially at the office, because it was a bit chilly.

With the letter I it was ice cream. Extra fat one with cookie pieces and strawberry jam. And I am glad to say it was amazing! Highly recommend. And it was a proper big ice cream cone, not a small, measly one I am used to. :D



What was a bit difficult, was the fact that my weight had gone up on the next day. I automatically think that see, you had this ice cream and it was bigger than a normal one and it means you gained weight from it. And this just makes this negative connection in my head, even though they are sooooo not connected. In reality it didn't affect me at all. It could well be that I have been making progress with eating recently, have had more food, moved around less and so on. But no, in my head it is the ice cream's fault. :D Just, what the heck.

Anyway, despite this I didn't change my usual routine and still had proper breakfast and I am going to have proper lunch and snacks as well.


I read this one girl's blog, who wrote about the situations when she was offered something. She also shed a new light on some og my thoughts. And I think this is really good.

Let's say that I am at home and my sister makes us food. And she makes pasta. My first reaction would be that this is too scary, I don't want it, why can't we have something else, something that is safe, and so on. At this point I should turn to myself and ask - do I want to be afraid of pasta in five years time? If someone offers me food or I go out to eat, do I want to accept it? Do I want to live in fear? No.

Also let's say that it is someone's birthday. My first reaction is to say no to dessert. Do I want to be the same in five years time? If I am 32, do I still want to just say "no, thank you" and give up what I was offered? Do I want to live rest of my life like this? NO. NO NO and NO. I want to accept the cake in five years. And to do this, I have to start today.

This brings me to the next point. Why people with eating disorders give up things so easily. The main reason is, of course, fear. Because the things you are offered are extra. These are usually cakes, candies, cookies, desserts in general. And the answer "no, thank you" is so automatic that I actually even don't think, if I would really like a thing. At the same time I understand that the same answer (no, thank you) all the time is becoming annoying, so people are not asking it at all at one point. I would be the same. But anyway, when someone offers me something and I say no to it, the reply is automatic and I haven't even analyzed it in my head.

The oritinal post about this topic is here.

But yeah, accepting things people offer is one of the most difficult things. Even if I manage to say yes and eat it, after it I get a lot of guilt and this "I shouldn't have" emotion and so on. Here I think I should use this "would I have regretted NOT having it?". Probably yes. Which means that accepting things is okay and I should do it more.

I will try to come up with three new goals and then I will write a little about last week's goals as well.

1. I accept something when I am offered. I will try to do it on the first try and not let the person offer it multiple times. I will try not to say no, thank you, even if it is scary. I know I will feel shit after it, but this won't last forever. Also, if I happen to go out to eat with someone and let's say that you want a dessert, please ask me if I would like some twice. :D I will try to change myself, but it is hard. But it has been written down as a goal now, so there are no excuses...

2. I have snacks out of my regular food plan. I don't mean that I have something at the different time (although this may happen as well), but I mean that I don't buy a snack several days earlier. For example I will go to the store and decided there and then what I WANT. Or I accept a cake that someone offers on their birthday. And so on. Things always seems safe when I have planned them in advance. But most of the people don't even think about it. Maybe it is still a bit too early for this in my recovery, but trying doesn't hurt.

3. I will eat out or eat something I have not prepared myself. This also means ready made foods from the stores (like stews, hearty salads, frozen meals etc). I have this weird thing that I have to prepare all food myself, because then I can control what goes into them, how much, and so on. I mean, it is good to have homecooked meals, but I want to make it possible that it doesn't HAVE to be made by me. It would suck if for example I went out to eat with friends and then only would have coffee or something. Or even worse - if I took my own food with me. I am not sure, but I don't think restaurants or cafes even allow it. :D So it would be a good thing to practice. My sister's friend is coming over on Saturday again and we are going to order sushi. This will be a good challenge, I mean, food prepared by others, a lot of cream cheese and calories (I have already gone through the menu and made myself scared).

About last week's challenges... things went somehow.

My first goal was not to compare mine and my sister's portions. I think I handled it well. Even when we had completely different things, I could tell myself that we are different people, we have different bodies and it is okay to have different things in different amounts. I won't lie - a lot of the time I felt shit about it. Almost everything caused a lot of guilt, but... I won't feel shit for forever. Usually by the evening I had already forgotten all the hard parts. I still compare a lot, but I am not acting on it and I think this is a first step. I won't say I have fulfilled this goal, but it has definitely become easier. I will still try to follow it next week. And then the week after that. And after that. And until I need to. Even if it is all my life.

My second challenge was not to have smaller snacks or lunches or pick the snacks that would have less calories. This was... really difficult. But I think I managed quite well to be honest. For ecample I had told my sister that I am not going to have those rum cakes made by her friend, because unknown calories and all that. But I have done it and I have enjoyed it sooooo much. These rum cakes are amazing. And now I have a good memory with those (my last memory was that we made them at the hospital and were forced to eat them). And at work I have had proper meals, I haven't skipped anything, thinking that no one is controlling me. I am glad. Yeah, there are some thoughts about restricting, but I am trying to handle them. (Look at me go, I feel so motivated right now. :D) I have also managed to think that I will now pick waffle, cookie, candy and done, but then picked cake, several cookies, a lot of chocolate instead. And even though a lot of guilt comes with it, I can think for a moment that YAY, well done, Signe!

My third challenge was to put myself into an unexpected situation. And I also did this. On the evening when me and my sister and her friend made tortillas. It brought a lot of fear. Also at one point in the evening I decided that I need to go to the store and bring us some more snacks. I picked some grapes, something to drink and then we also had those rum cakes. We also tried different Japanes snacks, for example wasabi KitKat and guess what, I am still alive! I don't know if my weight gain was caused by this weekend or not, but honestly, I don't even care. Being in this kind of unexpected situation was of course hard. Automatic reaction was going back to safety. This week I will have at least one more moment like this and I don't know, I feel hopeful, as this week went well. Also I had dinner with some friends the other day, and it went pretty well. We had a lot of sushi, some snacks and cake. Well... it was okay... the next day was absolutely worst, but I am going to repeat myself - I am still alive.

Last week I also set a fourth challenge, which was to try and think if I regretted something if I didn't do it. This I didn't really manage to do, because there just weren't any moments like this. So I guess this will be what I try to do next week again. I know that there are several moments presenting themselves this week. So we shall see.

I feel that these alphabet challenge posts are becoming longer and longer. :D Anyway, in my head I am already thinking to make the same challenge once more. Just picking new things with each letter. Just to confirm that this is fine. Because doing everything once is not enough. For my brain to learn new things, I need to constantly challenge and repeat myself. Only then the change will follow.

I haven't really been able to fully test it out, actually I have only used it once, for a recipe I came up with myself. But it worked well so I decided to blog about it.

I have the multicooker from a company named Brock Electronics, which is nice, but... in Russian. My parents helped to translate the menu when they drove us home though, so it is not bothering me much. :D My multicooker has 36! different regimes and I think I won't be using some of them, but well, the more the merrier.



Anyway, right after getting it, I really wanted to try it out. I decided to make a potato casserole - I have made it in the oven and it didn't matter that I left it there for a loong time, potatoes were still a bit on the raw side. So I thought it is a good recipe to test out the multicooker.

There was a similar recipe in the book that came with it, so I took this as my base, but added many different ingredients depending on what I wanted.

I made it with three huge potatoes, two eggs, some milk, one gigantic carrot, a lot of onion, some mushrooms and some cheese. I also added some mayo. I mixed it all together and put it into the multicooker. For the program I picked plov, as the menu suggested it. It took 55 minutes.



It was really weird. To think that there is this pot sitting on your counter top and cooking for you. :D Seemed unreal. At one point the whole on top of the cooker released some steam, so that was the first indicator that it actually worked. It smelled amazing and me and my sister were really eager to try it.

And we could, after 55 minutes! (Also, after it stops cooking, it still keeps the food warm so that is extra nice.) The taste was really good. Also, if I made it again, I wouldn't even add eggs, it was not necessary at all. So you could also make it completely vegan by using plant based milk, vegan cheese and vegan mayo. The potatoes were perfect! Nothing was overcooked, it was just well made. So considering this experience, I totally recommend. :D



Huge portions. :D

Anyway, I really want to make steamed gyoza (dumplings) with spicy veggies and salmon, maybe I will also finally make some curry or a stew (my sister actually asked for it and I thought I was the only fan of stews...). Anyway. When I try something new and come up with new recipes, I will surely let you know.

I looked at it and discovered it also has a program for making pudding, though I haven't found a recipe online for it. Should google some more. Most of the multicooker recipes I have found are also with meat... I guess you can change them up a little and so on.

All in all it seems like a good product if you want to try something interesting and want to make food easy.

I decided to be super brave and took a day to have all three of the snacks.

With letter D, it was dark chocolate. I had one that I already had at home - blackcurrant yoghurt filled one and... it wasn't good. Which usually makes me upset and gives me a feeling that I have wasted calories. But at the same time this chocolate I have had for a while and maybe the taste wasn't as good because of it. I think I liked it more when I first tried it anyway. But all in all, I wanted to say that if I hadn't tried it, I wouldn't know if I liked it or not.



With E, it was eggs. I made omelette for me and my sister and I usually have 2 eggs per person. This time I had 3. I also didn't hold myself back with sundried tomatoes and cheese (even thought ma eating disorder wanted to. I constantly got these thoughts of "add less sundried tomatoes. Add less cheese" and so on).

Omelette for lunch was really good actually, and I also had some fresh stuff on the side. This is what I am going to miss when going back to the office - can't have fresh lunches. At the same time I wondered if it would be acceptable to make overnight oats as my lunches, because I am a fan of porridge... :D



With F, it was French toast. Toast that has been dipped into milk-egg-sugar-cinnamon mixture and then fried up. I wish I had fried them a bit longer, as they weren't too toasty, but I was so eager to have them. But it wasn't too good...



Anyway, having this was really really difficult for me and made me really upset. I at least think it was the reason I had 45 minute cry session after eating it (oh this glamourous sickness, right?). I served it with rasberries and it was okay, but... not what I hoped for. Again had this wasteful feeling that didn't go away all day.

Anyway, this post is a bit too negative. But these challenges are hard and I knew they were going to be when I set up this one. This was kind of the idea, right. :D

I am having even more negative emotions about the next week. Especially due to this extra fat ice cream and hot chocolate. I think I can handle gummies. At least my sister agreed to have ice cream with me, so this is good. I am alone with the hot chocolate, though.

Last week I also set myself three goals, which I wanted to fulfil this week. First one of them were comparing the portion sizes. I still haven't been able to let it go, because it is so... coded into my brain. But I think the second goal about serving food has actually gone well. Definitely better than before. I really tried to serve same portions sizes and didn't give in to the feeling of having a little less. If anything, I had a little MORE. And I am kind of proud.

My third goal was unfollowing triggering accounts in social media. This I didn't do. As I don't follow people who give me negative emotions or make me think about diet culture. I have followed some users, but have discovered them being triggering and then unfollowed them immediately. So yeah, I kind of followed through with this goal. I want to set some goals for the next week as well. Three would be perfect, but we shall see.

So during the next week I:

1. Don't compare mine and my sister's food portion sizes or in general what we are having. Same as last week. I can't compare. She is she and I am me.

2. I will fight the urge to not have snacks and pick lesser calorie food options. Even now I am getting these thoughts that "oh, when you go back to the office, you can only have some fresh salads for lunch". No. I can't do this. I know I am afriad of weight gain, but I NEED it. Jesus fucking hell Signe, please understand this. There is a little over a month to go until my psychiatrist appointment, but I need to start making some progress, if I don't want to go back to the clinic. I need to remind myself more often.

3. I will put myself into at least one unexpected situation. Let is be food out of the ordinary or something additional to my normal snacks and meals. I want to try at least, as this is really difficult for me right now. For example right now, the moment I am writing this post, I am having a nice hangout with my friends, but unexpected food that will be there is causing me a lot of stress. So I am already tackling this goal, kind of. I just hope I can manage, even though I am feeling quite shitty and am unable to focus.


I wanted to write avout regret.

During these moments my decisions have been affected my eating disorder and I did the best I could. But now, several months later, I am getting the emotions of regret. I regret I didn't try bubble tea when I was in Japan. That I didn't have coffee with syrum. That I didn't try as sweet coffee drink from the venging machine. That I didn't have the donut my friend got us. I regret these moments so much and I would give a lot to go back to these situations and change my behaviour. But at the same time during these moments I was fine and I did kind of follow them - I took sakura latte at Starbucks, I had sweets, I tried different drinks. So this regret is not huge, but I still think I could have done some things differently.

I regret that I didn't have birthday kringel at work. That I didn't take a piece of chocolate someone offered me. That I didn't decide to have cake at work, when everyone else did. That I didn't add enough milk to my coffee to make it tastier. I regret so many small and basic things that are just not worth it. Maybe I should set another goal for myself:

4. Think about if I regretted it later, if I didn't do something. And do it then. Usually I regret eating something later, not not eating. But if I set this kind of goal, if I wondered if I regretted not having something later...? I don't know. Everything I have just written down souns so weird and confusing, but I don't know how to express myself better currently.

Anyway, new week and bew beginnings. (I think I will start considering new week already from Saturday... adn then we shall see how I am doing. :))

I have been staring at the blank screen for hours. And I have been thinking. Thinking about what to write, where to begin, what to do. Because I think I am afraid of writing this post. It is difficult.



On the weekend we celebrated my birthday. It brought a lot of overwating. I have never felt as bad physically from food. And now, a few days after, it is still difficult to deal with it. Also there are some meetings that involve food coming.

But okay. I didn't want to stop on this topic. Even though I could. I could explain my emotions and describe how difficult it is and how much I am hurting.

Before my birthday celebration I had to face the truth that my weight has gone down again. And I can't help but to feel happy about it. Or like, maybe not, but it makes my mood better. It makes me feel good. There is nothing else in the world except for numbers that are addictive.

And I don't know what to do. Should I keep trying, change the situation around and start gaining weight (I am sure that my alphabet challenge will help) or... contact the hospital again. My weight is not back to pre-hospital or after hospital level, but I can still see a trend of it going down. And I don't really want to admit that. I could have written here that everything is going well and things are amazing. I was so close to doinf that. But the things arent that great... and I don't know. It is just hard. Every day is still a fight and I can't fight with my head anymore. That's why I am thinking that maybe it would be better to go back to the hospital... maybe I shoul go. Maybe I can't do this on my own.

But this maybe is bothering me. I want to show myself that I can do it, that I have goals that I have set for myself. Anyway, I am really confused and am trying to make any sense of this whole situation.

I just had 1,5 week holiday from work, but now back to the office it is. This causes a lot of additional stress. I have gotten used to being at home. It is difficult to go back to your regular rhythm. But after the hospital it would be even MORE difficult. I don't want to force my coworkers handling my stuff for months again.

Thus I am giving myself just one more opportunity. But this is the last one. And as the goal date I am setting 26.06, as this is my next doctor's appointment. I think this would be acceptable. If I am still at the same spot mentally and physically then, there is no second chance and I am going back to the hospital. I promise.

About my birthday - something good also happened. For example my relative gave me a book and socks with cats! From a friend I got a book with joining points, and it is astrology themed, which is super cool. And from my family I got a multicooker! I have been wanting this for forever. Also about this - if someone has any good recipes, please let me know. I really want to test it out already. It is super weird that you can actually make bread and yoghurt with it as well! I will definitely update you.

From today I am making this new 3 letter challenge, so I hope to post about it soon, but we shall see. I hope that I have time, despite all the social events I have to attend this week. :D Anyway there will be a new post soon.

At least I have a goal now.

With the letter A I had avocado. I thought about having it with toast, but instead it was sushi with avocado that I had. Me and my sister were celebrating my bithday and we had a takeaway. This combined several difficult things for me - food that I didn't cook myself, avocado, and it also had a lot of cream cheese, which is scary as well.



The second letter was B with a banana. And it was surprisingly difficult to eat. As I know it has quite a lot of calories. But at the same time having just a banana was also good. I really used to like green bananas, but at the moment I really like it when they are super ripe and brown. These are also the best in the porridge.



For C I had cereal with milk. I mixed Cini Minis and Cookie Crisps and had a proper bowl. With cereal, I could eat it for forever, I would never get full on them. So I usually have them as a snack not as a main meal. Because I need something more filling as a main. But at the same time, if you like cereal as a breakfast, go for it!



Something else I wanted to talk about, is comparisons. I compare everything to my sister, because we live together. How much we eat. Id we have snacks. If I have something, I have to make sure she also has something. Which is absurd, as she doesn't need to gain weight. She doesn't need to follow meal times on point. She can have food and snacks when she wants to. When her body wants to. I asked her, how she is able to do it so easily. How doesn't these things take up a lot of her brain power. How can she have a snack and not think about having "too much" later. And she didn't know how to answer. She just said that she doesn't get these kind of thoughts that are torturing me. Also I have been worried about my eating affecting her as well, but until now it hasn't luckily happened. I would never forgive myself if I fucked up her. I don't want this disorder for anyone.

Also I have noticed that when we have something together (for example some chips, which are a must have for our movie nights), I always make sure to follow her when she takes a chip. Like I can't have too many, I will have one exactly when she does. This control and comparison is constant. This drives me mad. Also comparing foods, portion sizes... even when I go out to eat and have something completely different than my companion. I still compare. Estimate calories.

Also I compare myself to other people with eating disorders, which sucks. I want to be like them. Gain weight like them. Get better like them. But then it appears what is healthy for me isn't necessarily for others. And the other way around. People are really different, you can't just compare everyone. For example running for someone may be good and healthy, but for me, it isn't so right now. If my friend goes running after work, it doesn't mean that I have to do the same. People don't dress the same for example. Why would I compare?

Also this comparison somewhy also stems from social media for sure. But people upload just a moment of their life. You don't know what is behind one thing or another. When I was at the hospital we talked about comparison for a bit and discussed unfollowing people who make you feel bad. And then you can follow them again, when you get to a better place.

Healthy is different for everyone.

For example some people don't have breakfast. It doesn't mean that I also shouldn't have it. It means nothing. For me it is necessary. We have different paths, we have different lives, we have different needs. And what really sucks is that I can write it down and think about it, but I still can't stop comparisons. This is almost like a reflex. One that I need to get over.

It is like... let's say you are going sledding. It is easy to pick a path that has already been followed. And when you change your thoughts, it means to take a new path. And it is difficult at first. Sled wants to go back to the previous path. But once you have done the other one for a few times, it gets easier. And it will, that I am sure of, as I have done this with some things. And finally it snows again and the old path is no more.

I don't know if any of it even makes sense, but anyway. I wanted to write down three goals for myself for the nect week:

1. I am not comparing my eating with my sister's, especially having snacks.
2. I am not comparing my portion sizes with others and I serve food up on equal amounts to me and my sister, even though my eating disorder always says to have a little less.
3. I unfollow accounts on instagram/social media, if they make me compare myself to them.

Next week I shall see how I have been doing and if it has helped me. I feel really motivated currently, but we shall see. :D Can't lose hope.

Today at this very moment I am writing this post is 13th of May and it is my birthday. I want to take it as a new beginning. Another restart. Last one similar was my Japan trip, but now I know I am not doing enough and I need to do it. I don't want to start my 27th year on earth in such a bad place.

For example me and my sister had this takeaway sushi and even though I knew having this and a drink was going to be "too much" I still had all my snacks. And this is a small victory.

On the weekend we are going home to my parents' place and I know this will be a challenge. I have been feeling really stressed, but what can I do. It just needs to be done. I want to take one day at the time - if I can't do this, then one moment at the time. One hour at the time. Use the attitude that once it's in it's in. No need to think about it. I want to enjoy my birthdays in the future. I want to live life. I want to eat to live, not live to eat!

But I know it will be hard.

I thought that I really want to combine a challenge with eating disorders post. I have done it previously too, but not for a while now. Then I got an idea that as I have a lot of fear foods still, I will take an alphabet and make a list of things I am scared. And then start challenging them one by one.

Anyway, foods that are y fearfoods and which I want to challenge:

A - avocado - I don't even know why I am afraid of this. Last summer I was able to have it without problems in pasta or I made toast with avocado. I guess it is because people keep saying that avocado has a lot of calories. But it also has healthy fats and I really like it! So I think this is a good thing to challenge.

B - banana - bananas are one of the most calorie tense fruits. I don't have a problem with eating banana in a porridge, but just having it on it's own is scary. This is why I have written it down here. Also as I have my porridge with a banana, challenging two in one day is quite big.

C - cereal - I have had cereal as a snack, but I still feel that it is quite difficult. And if I have an opportunity to pick between this and rice waffles, I always take the rice crackers. It is much safer choice. So I want to challenge cereal instead.



D - dark chocolate - I haven't had chocolate as a snack for a while and even dark one, that I used to have without any problems, has become a fear food again. So I want to pull myself together and have it. And to have like 6-7 pieces, not only one row, that my eating disorder tells me to. At the hospital we had to have 6 pieces of milk chocolate and 8 pieces if it was dark. So yeah, I need to do this,

E - eggs - why eggs? Because it is difficult to have three. I am perfectly fine with making an omelette out of 2, but three is scary. I think it needs to be changed. Also it is stuck in my head that the eggs have to be medium size, not large size. As it would be "too much".

F - French toast - so fried in milk and egg and cinnamon. I have been wanting to have this for a while, but I have been too scared. And I want to have it as a snack, not as a main meal. Because I need to have bigger snacks. This would also be a double challenge, as it has an egg in it too.

G - gummies - I haven't had normal candy in a really long time. I mean just taking a bag of chocolate candies or gummies. I got some plum flavoured gummies from Japan... and I think it is time to try them. I want to have the stuff I have at home and have been too scared to try.

H - hot chocolate - one of the most difficult things to have are still liquid calories. I have a lot of cococa at home which I have been too scared to have. Because, well, calories calories calories calories. Why doesn't this word become less scary if I repeat it? Why am I so scared?

I - ice cream - I can have an ice cream as long as it is "the right amount", meaning it is on a stick or in a waffer. But I still pay a lot of attention to calorie count and always make sure it is not too big. I want to try EXTRA CREAMY (extra fatty if I translate it literally) ice cream. It is bigger than normal ice creams and packs a lot of calories. They recently came out with a new flavour, strawberry and cookie pieces one. I already have it in my fridge now so this is coming.

J - juice - another liquid calories one. But it is something I have been wanting to have for ages. Fresh orange juice with bits! I think that having this would finally be so amazing. :D A good thing to have as a snack.

K - KitKat - I couldn't come up with anything else starting with K and then I remembered that I have one big KitKat bar left. It was with salted caramel or peanut butter, I don't remember. But anyway, it has more calories than a snack has to have so I have been too scared of eating it,

L - lasagna - in this one store there is frozen lasagna that I have been wanting to have. I have actually taking it out of the fridge and looked at it, thinking I really want it, but I am too scared. So I guess it is time. And sometimes it is okay to have fast, frozen meal.

M - muesli - I am doing quite okay with cereal, but having muesli is a lot more difficult. Muesli usually has a lot of seeds and nuts and stuff meaning it is more calorie tense. Even a small handful of muesli packs a lot of energy. I really want to get over this fear and have it as a snack. And then even granola!

N - noodles - here I mean this regular fast packed noodles. And I would like to add stuff in it. For example an egg, some veggies and maybe even a slice of cheese. I want to think of it as next level ramen, which I used to have a lot when I was younger. :D I mean when I just moved to Tallinn and lived a general uni student life. Also it is weird that egg noodles, rice noodles and all that kind of stuff is fine, but regular noodles are no-no. This is another big challenge.

O - Oreos - I have always told everyone that I don't really like Oreos. But when I am actually having them, I like them. For example at the hospital I had Milka chocolate with Oreos and it was really really good. Also Oreos have a looot of calories. Also I kind of actually like that I have to get a bigger sleeve of them, so it won't be only one time challenge. You have to repeat things like this.

P - pizza - is a huge fear of mine! At one point I was completely fine meeting up with a friend and go have it. Now this has become one of the biggest fear foods. Even if I am not going to have pizza on this challenge day, I at least want to have a frozen one. There are quite a lot of vegan ones in this one store, that I have seen and been meaning to try.

R - Reese's - my friend sent me those and I still haven't had them because I have been too scared. But at the same time I love peanut butter and chocolate, so you can't go wrong with it.

S - salmon - as you know, I do eat fish, but not meat. I still usually don't cook fish, but during this challenge I thought I should try it. Besides I haven't made salmon in the oven ever so it would be a nice thing to try I believe.

T - tofu - as I haven't made anything with tofu recently, it has become a fear food. I don't even know why. For example I could make tofu and chickpea curry which I really love, but instead of this I get the thoughts like "use only chickpeas, why would you add something? Even better - use only low calorie veggies!". I want to get over this.

U - udon - it was almost impossible to come up with something starting with U. Then I finally decided I need to make udon. Udon are those really thick Japanese noodles. I think I have to order it online, as no stores sell it.

V - vanilla pudding - there is this one company that just released three new puddings, which have, well... a lot of calories. So I thought it would be good to try vanilla one of those. But I still need to say that Japanese puddings are so much better than the ones I have had in Estonia. It doesn't even moderately remind me of Japanese pudding.

W - waffles - for sooooo long I have been wanting to have those thick Belgian waffles. They have these in some supermarkets. I could use a toaster and toast it, add some frozen berries and enjoy it. I really hope that I can manage this, as it has been in the list for forever.

Y - yoghurt - maybe this is surprising, maybe not. I am one of those people who used to say that all these low calorie protein yoghurts are as good as normal ones. Bullshit. The normal yoghurt with fat and everything is a way to go. So I am going to get it and enjoy it.

I couldn't find anything with Z and X. And I didn't add Estonian üõäö letters as well. But I wanted to say that if you have any ideas, please let me know in the comments or on twitter or on instagram and so on. It was quite diffiult to come up with all of these things.

As we are still in lockdown, I don't know when I start with the challenge. I also wanted to say that probablt I won't make them all in a row - I have a list on my phone and I am going to pick what is available. But I want to complete them all.

I also thought that I will post in threes, for example I would pick A, B and C and then write down how it was to have those things and maybe discuss some other topics as well. Also, if there is anything you would like to read about, let me know. It would be amazing.

EDIT: someone recommended me to take zucchini for Z, and my first thought was that this is not a fear food. But then she said that I could make zucchini pancakes (batter them in flour and egg mixture and fry up, such an Estonian thing). And then it would be a challenge. So I am adding this!

One thing I really miss, is working out, especially running.




I got some protein bars from Paradise Foods and I highly recommend. Especially the ones with coconut and chocolate, these are really good!

I have been playing with the idea to just screw everything and start going to running again. But there is still a part of me that knows it is not a good idea. I still need to gain some weight so it would be safe for e.

But this need to move is so strong and it is so difficult to fight with it. I understand that my illness is the one thing that makes me want to run. But there is still some healthy Signe too, that knows that running would be motivating. I would at least like to go for a trial run, even if it is just to show that I am not strong enough to run at the moment - maybe it would help with this need and help to control tehse emotions...? I don't know.

I just read an article about working out during your eating disorder, if someone is interested. I learned several things and it was an interesting read. For example I learned that sport helps with you bone health only when you are well physically. Otherways it would be more damaging. Also I had no idea that working out with an anorexia slows down your metapolic rate.

The other thing which I would like to do, is yoga. It helps to improve your relationship with your body. But at the same time I just can't get behind following a video tutorial. I really need to be in a class with other people, to commit enough. It is really uncomfy trying to see the screen while following the moves. Also during a class, instructor can give you feedback.

I wonder if there are other things I would like to do (or do again). I guess there is bouldering. And also I would love to go to a work out class, I used to love bodycombat. And also why not try out something new.

At the same time there is this main question - is it me and my liking for these things, or is this caused by my anorexia? In deep down I need to understand what makes me want to exercise.

Recovering has many aspects. One is, yes, to gain enough weight to be healthy. And then there is the other, compensatory behaviours part. Would I still be able to eat normally if I didn't work out? To this question I am supposed to be able to answer with yes. Then that would be healthy. At the moment I know that anorexia plays a role in it.

There are 2 good articles written by one girl who made it through anorexia recovery. Read it here and here.

What I have been doing at home, is some stretching and flexibility routines. My favourite to follow is this video. The first time I did it, my muscles even felt sore (which was actually a nice feeling). But I haven't done like proper at home workouts or anything, because I know that I shouldn't. Anyway, I think that just stretching is fine.

But yeah, it is difficult. I want to do so many things. I am eating more and have more energy and I really want to use it. But at the same time I know I walk around too much and even stopping myself from doing that is rather difficult. And I know that I definitely shouldn't run for now... we shall see. Maybe I can do it soon enough. I have a goal, there is some light at the end of the tunel. And I will reach it, one way or another!

This week I decided that it is sime for another cooking project - baking bread with the starter.



There was a bread company that posted an article about making your own starter, so I followed it. From a friend I got a piece of bread (as me and my sister don't usually have bread at home) and also a mould. So I was ready to go.

So on the first day it was quite interesting to tear the bread into small pieces and start to feed it. Feeding on second and thurd day. :D I made jokes about having a new pet or tamagochi, who I need to take care of. :D

Anyway, on the fourth day my starter looked like this and was bubbling, meaning it was all good:



I talked to some people with experience on instagram, as I had so many questions! Is some of the starter just going to be to throw away? (I used it to make those Japanese cabbage pancakes.) How much starter do I need to add to my bread? The recipe on the bread company site was made for three big breads, I just wanted to make one. We shall see how it goies. At the moment I am on fourth day of growing my starter, and I will bake on Friday! Also I am soon having a vacation from work! Can't wait!

It is sixth day now and my starter is doing well, thank you for asking. Tonight I will make pre-dough and then tomorrow morning I will put it in the mould, then go out for a bit and will bake during lunch. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me! :D I will make a proper seeded loaf.

Pre-dough came out well and I also took a small "son of starter" to bake again some time. Anyway, on the seventh day I made the real dough - it came out around 850-900 grams.



Dough while it was still rising.

Anyway, I let it rise a little and it rise so beautifully! I was not expecting this. :D Then I put it in the mould and went to have a coffee with a friend (via coffee window. It was so cool, you rang a bell and they opened a window and you got your coffee in a little basket).



When I got home, I put the bread in the oven... and in an hour I had a nice warm loaf ready!



I couldn't even wait for it to properly cool down, I really wanted to try it already. :D

And it tastes like real rye bread! I added some seeds to give it a little crunch. Next time I want to add hemp seeds, because these should be extra crunchy. I am convinced I am going to bake in every 2 weeks (as the starter is good for about 14 days). Maybe even more often... bread world is so big and I really want to try different add-ins like seasonings and all that... yum, I can already imagine it. :D



Proper amount of seeds as you can see. And it looks like real bread!!! :D

Anyway, I am really happy with this and I would like to thank all the people who helped me, answered to my questions and just cheered me on. Thank you! Also if anyone wants some starter - please contact me, I am happy to share.

All in all I would say that the hassle was so worth it!

Sunday

Breakfast 9:00 - oatmeal with bananas, strawberries and vanilla, cup of coffee with milk. (Last night me and my sister watched a movie, drank some wine and had a lot of snacks. Today I didn't feel hungry at all when I woke up, but I still had a proper breakfast.)

Snack 11:00 - rice waffles with apples and cinnamon. (I am really addicted to those, also they are really good with coffee.)

Lunch 14:30 . carrot patties with Korean style carrot salad and homemade pickles. (This food was nice, even though the patties were a bit oily and it was bothering me. Also that the salad had oil in it... Oil and fat are really difficult things to deal with for me.)

Snack 15:00 - Cini Mini and Cookie Crisp breakfast cereal with milk. (I couldn't oick between the two so I had both. :D Very good. I have missed cereal.)

Dinner 19:00 - Japanese curry. (I brought a lot of it from Japan, so I need to use it up. Me and my sister have a new wat of deciding what's for dinner - I usually have a list of foods to make and then I wrote all the meals down on pieces of paper and pick a random one. :D)

Snack 19:30 - coconut-chocolate-peanut ice cream. (A new ice cream that I got to try. I have seen so many ads regarding it too. And it was really good, highly recommend.)

Monday

Breakfast 7:00 - porridge with seeds, banana, frozen mango and coconut, cup of coffee with milk. (It was kind of difficult to have breakfast today, because my weight had gone up by 900 grams. I don't know how this is possible, due to water retention maybe? Anyway, my brain started to go like "this is so much, you shouldn't have anything for breakfast" and so on. But I managed to handle it.)

Snack 11:00 - cinnamon and apple rice waffles. (I have this open packaged I need to finish before having different snacks. Also had another cup of coffee with those.)

Lunch 13:00 - home made bread with hummus and greens. (I already started baking at like 9 in the morning. :D Or well, made the dough then. It went into the oven at 10 and it was ready by 11. Now it has cooled down and is perfect for lunch. I also made some hummus myself again - this time it isn't as good, but it is still tasty and it is fine. Maybe I should add some more lemon juice... Anyway, I am so used to having soup for lunch, it is weird to have bread. Difficult. But this is exactly why I made it - to make it easier.)



Snack 15:00 - some more of those rice crisps. (They had gone a bit stale so I needed to finish them.)

Dinner 19:00 - sweet potato and lentil stew. (I also added some really spicy red curry paste and fresh herbs, like basil and coriander. It was a good combination. Spicy always leaves me with this good feeling of having something proper. I still was a bit upset over my weight in the morning, but oh well.)

Snack 20:00 - melon. (As there was weekly foodshop time, I got something fresh. It was really good but I was too full as it has a lot of water.)

Tuesday

Breakfast 7:00 - porridge with seeds, banana and blueberries, cup of coffee with milk. (As always, same breakfast. Weight remained the same, so I dunno, I guess I have indeed gained this much. Porridge was good, didn't have much guilt today. Maybe just thought about it for a second. Also snacks will be more difficult today, as I am so used to having these rice thingies. But I think it is good, I need a challenge.)

Snack 11:00 - oatmeal cookies. (My eating disorder told me to have only 2, but I dook more. And got over it quite easilty. But the first snack of the day is the easiest for me anyway.)

Lunch 13:00 - homemade bread with hummus. (Of corse toasted. I don't know, but I feel like hummus is extra good on the second day. :D Anyway, it was really nice. And I used a lot of it. I thought of having cheese instead of hummus too, but man, I am addicted to hummus so I didn't. :D)

Snack 15:00 - rice porridge with raspberry jam. (This is the most difficult today, because it was the most calorific out of all the possible snack things I had at home. More than in cereal or some snack bars. Actually my sister decided on that I should have it, I am practicing giving away control. I need to do this.)

Dinner 19:00 - okonomiyaki with coleslaw salad. (Okonomiyaki are those Japanese style savory cabbage pancakes. I also added some paprica, ginger and furikake (mix of seaweed, wasabi powder and sesame seeds). Also as I am making bread and I had some extra starter, I used this instead of just flour and water. I was inspired my this recipe here.)

Snack 19:30 - chocolate ice cream. (This was also very good, but alltogether I felt quite guilty during this day. But overall my evening was nice.)

Wedesday

Breakfast 7:00 - oatmeal with mango, banana and coconut, cup of coffee with milk. (I almost wrote a cup of milk with coffee. :D I made more porridge than usually, because I know I need it. Weight has remained the same, which is kind of good and lets me get used to it. Also it was a bit helpful that I talked to someone yesterday, who had an eating disorder too. Sometimes you need to talk to someone else to get a perspective and think fresh again...)

Snack 11:00 - oatmeal cookies. (Also finished up a bag and then can move on to some other kind of snacks that have become more difficult now. Like just regular chocolate that has turned into a fear food again.)

Lunch 13:00 - homemade bread with hummus. (As I still have it, I need to eat it. I still have some left tomorrow, but then it is done. But! On Friday I am baking my first ever bread with a starter, I am really excited. Also now that I have had bread for lunches so often, it is not as difficult to eat it as it was at first.)

Snack 15:00 - Nakd bar. (I don't know why, but it wasn't as good as I remembered it being. I don't know if my taste buds have changed or what is up, but this was a slight disappointment. At the same time I wouldn't know if if I hadn't tried it.)

Dinner 19:45 - breaded fish with cheese, coleslaw, cottage cheese with tomato and cucumber. (It was also picked at random, but tasted well. Also I was excited for this breaded fish thingy, hadn't seen something like this in the store before. It was difficult to eat due to coleslay and all that shit blablablabla.)

Snack 20:00 - chocolate cone ice cream. (This is one of my favourite ice creams. :D I was picking between popcorn and this, but me and my sister agreed that ice cream was a better choice. We can have popcorn at our movie nights. :D)

Thurday

Breakfast 7:00 - oatmeal with vanilla, banana and blueberries, cup of coffee with milk. (As usual, breakfast was easy. It was more difficult to pick as nack for a lunch. Also there is a work meeting at 11, so I need to have a snack easiler. I am telling you, even this kind of small things are difficult for me....)

Snack 11:00 - Dumle chocolate. (I was so anxious about having it that I couldn't even enjoy it. So this is why I am having it again tomorrow. To face the fear. There are so many chocolates at home I need to eat. :D I haven't done so in a while.)



Lunch 13:15 - homemade bread with hummus. (So good still. Again toasted the bread. Also finally tomorrow I will bake the bread wit hthe starter! Today I will make pre-dough as the recipe called it. I will make a whole blog post about it, I am sure. :D)

Snack 15:00 - Cini Mini and Cookie Crisp cereal with milk. (I don't need two big challenges per day, one is okay. So I picked the safer option this time.)

Dinner 19:00 - sweet potato with chilli, cottage cheese and tomato-cucumber salad. (This was so good. I just love sweet potatoes. Also had some cheese on top of it all too.)

Snack 19:30 - ice cream with caramel. (Another new ice cream that I wanted to try. Now I need to pick some other new ones from the store. Also maybe I should have some different night snacks...)