Panic and anxiety

2:09:00 AM

I don't know why, but recently I feel realli anxious. This panic in Tartu and now during Midsummer's day... I feel like I need to do something about it.

Like on one day I wanted to go to the gym. I got home, stopped by the store on the way and all, and then I figured I would go and spend like half an hour at the gym, doing something on the machines and firgure out some dumbbell stuff, because it was quite later and I would want to come home soon.

And then when I left home, it started. This weird feeling. I worried that there was going to be a fire at home. And like, I don't know, it was so random. Then on the way to the gym I even thought about turning around and going back home to check. Which I didn't do in the end. As soon as I got to the gym, this weeling becaome worse and I really thought something had happened at home. I even checked the news on my phone to see if there was a fire reported???? So weord. I tried to talk myself out of going home and even sent a message to my sister, but nothing helped. So in the end I went back home after 15 minutes spent at the gym. And OF COURSE everything was fine at home!

I felt really bad, because I really would have liked to work out some more, I just had so much good energy and all. I felt like I wanted to cry and my head was spinning, I just felt so disgustingly awful. And even when I got home, I didn't really calm down, I was just upset at myself then. Because I was in panic for no reason at all and I wasted so much time. -.-

I have had this weird panic since the fire safety lecture at work. I mentioned this in one of my earlier posts as well. But yeah, at one point I was over it, but now it is back. Even going to the store for a second stresses me out a lot.

I have a psychologist appointment soon, so I will probably talk about this. I will see if my psychiatrist is also around, I would like to talk to him about my meds and stuff. The dosage and everything is in question. I guess he will say I will never be free of them, but I want to know his thoughts on the topic. He usually just prescribes meds for half a year and that's that. :D Which is like, yeah, cool, but does it really help me?

I will try and calm down, at the moment I feel a bit worried about my flat still. Even thought I KNOW nithing bad can happen. I checked the stove for 10 times, I locked all the doors and windows, but there is still some anxiety. It is just so weird, because usually my anxiety is food or health based, but now it is about being away from home. :S I just don't know what to do with it.

Today there is also some added stress as I have yet again gained some weight. A lot, actually. More than it seems possible. And then I feel really uncomfortables, my thighs get on my nerves and I HATE when they rub agains each other. At the moment I am just thinking about wanting to DIE. But like, I am not going to do anything about my weight. I just love food too much.

At work on another day we had a two kinds of cake, it was hard. More difficult than usually, probably because of my weight in the morning. And I can't walk today, I have to go straight home, because my sister and her friend are coming over to see if they would like any of my clothes I don't wear anymore.

And tomorrow I am busy, we are going to a friend's place to chill with people. Then I also have something on Friday, plans for Saturday, not to mention Sunday. My social calendar is too full, I feel like I am going to explode. I need some time for myself. But at the same time I don't want to cancel anything, because who knows when I will have another opportunity to do those things? Probably not for a while, if not ever. Or I will be actually busy on another time. Like next weekend we are celebrating my Grandma's birthday, then I won't be in Tallinn at all. So yeah, I need to use all the opportunities I have been given. But it is just SO-SSOOOO difficult!

My psychologist taught me some breathing exercises and some thinking frames to follow when I feel panic-y or anxious. I think that I won't remember whem when I need them, but at least I know there is something I can probably do. I think that it would be good to experience this panic now, then I could practice or something. :D Though I don't think it is wise to hope that, as I don't want to feel bad.

Anyway, yesterday at friend's place, it was super nice. I felt really down all day, but this gave me new energy.

There has been many things going on while I have written this post, like this was on Grandma's birtdhay. I also baked two big kringels, one cheesy one and one cranberry-marzipan one.

And of course I overate. And I drank too much. And in general, it is difficult to live. But at the same time I was sure I was going to have a lot of panic the next day. Because I usually do, I have this ovewhelming anxiety after a party, and I was prepared for it, which is why I probably didn't have it as much. On Sunday moring I felt a little anxious still, but not as much as has happened before. And this small anxiety also passed quite fast, it was so amazing. I didn't have to cry and whinge about feeling so bad, I managed it all on my own.

On the next day we also went back to my Grandma's place, we sat outside and had some leftovers. I tried Marta Pagar's vegan shaslik, but I will write about it on the review post.

We had so many cakes, thus I had four. And some more kringel. At night when we got home from Viljandi, I felt like I really couldn't eat anything, but I still did it. And today morning my weight had gone up a lot. Anyway, I had a proper breakfast and I wasn't really bothered. I think I will remember it at one point during the day and get all the nasty emotions with it, but at least today morning I just shrugged and thought it didn't matter?! It was really stange. :D Especially as I had just complained to a friend about feeling guilty and these feelings never leaving me.

I just think that after all kinds of events I shouldn't really weigh myself. Because I just make myself upset. But I am curious at the same time...

Aaa, also when I left my Grandma's, then my aunt and someone else told me I should still gain a couple of kilos. And then I said that I am having a pint of ice cream every night, to which they said that this is already unhealthy. Thanks.

Actually I am not angry, it doesn't affect me as much any more. At the time it is maybe difficult to hear, but I know people don't mean things in a bad way and sometimes they are trying to make jokes.

Also I have been really bothered before, when my Grandma has commented on my weight. She usually says something like "you have gotten so big" or something, but this time she just said that I look so much better and this comment was so sweet.

She also received the card I sent her and said I never fail to surprise her, hehe. It was so sweet and I love sending her things sometimes.

I took a really easy day yesterday, I think I walked about 2000 steps maxiumum, but I wasn't bothered by it. I was just tired and thought that I didn't really feel like going for a walk. And past two days I also haven't done almost any walking, so it is good I had just challenged this not walking for a day.

I would like to go to the gym today, but honestly I don't know if I have time. I have a thought, but I shall see when I a m getting home etc. I don't know what to make for dinner either. I don't know if I want anything sweet or savoury. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should have porridge three times a day again, because this would be so good. :D Also yesterday I wrote to my sister when I was going to a store, asking what the heck should I make. And then I told her, I would like a porridge, to be honest, haha. :D

But yeah, I don't know what to do with this panic and anxiety. Should I look into it more and maybe ask for extra meds? Because these few times when I was in Tartu and also after Midsummer's, I have been too anxious and it has been pretty awful. And when I get this panic attack at work, it is extra bad. Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it just doesn't cut it.

How do you deal with bad thoughts?

Are you a breather, or do you use any other helpful tips?

What the heck should I make for dinner?

Also on Friday I am finally planning to have food related challenge, but it may still change. :D I just have an idea, maybe I can actually do it at some point, too.

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