I Won't Quote

I have taken my sweet time with writing this post, but finally today, when my mood is awful due to doctor visit and I feel like a failure of a patient, I am writing this. :D (Actually this is translation from my Estonian blog, I had my doctor's appointment on Thursday.)

At the hospital we had a chance to take part in art therapy classes, where we could make whatever we wanted (though sometimes there were topics or we did something together). I took pictures of all my work (not good quality, I am sorry) and decided to write about them a little.

The first one is called Wish and it shows how I want to get well. Because the things that I have... depression, eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts - is sickness. And I don't wish this upon anyone.  I like how this picture came out. I used gel pen and watercolours and my own fingers. :D



This was the one where we had a topic - your life's mandala. Moods, present and past. I don't know if it is understandable, but for me everything started on the left side - pretty, colourful. Then came the breaking point, but now I hope to become better, to grow and maybe even bloom. But this is a goal that is still very far away.



I had super detailed colouring book and this made me want to make something detailed as well. This is not finished, obviously, but I kind of like it.



I used different materials to make some flowers. I think it looks a bit like a handmade card.



I really loved that we could use all different kinds of materials, magazines, glues, washi tapes, stickers, watercolours and so on.



This should be my sad version of Gustav Klimt's Tree of Life. I guess it is something. :D It was, however, made within like 5 minutes or so.



Falling stars. I don't remember making this picture, but I think it was towards the end of the class and I still had some colours left, so I made this sketch. But hey, somethimes sketches are the most important. While making those you don't have to think about anything and if you end up with something, something that has an idea, it is maybe cool. If I had to have my own campaign for some reason, then my slogan would be MORE SKETCHES!



Well now then with this picture there is a funny story. I have NO IDEA why and when and where I made this. I was actually concerned that the therapist gave me someone else's work, until I noticed my own name. Nice job, ECT! There are still days where I find out that I have forgotten something. For example I didn't remember that I had shown Silja all of these pictures when we came home from the hospital.



This was made right before I made the Klimt's copy and probably does not need to be introduced. I just figured I'd try. Somewhy I was thinking about Doctor Who and Vincent is still, I think, the best episode and often makes me tear up.



Something simple, yet clear. I really loved watercolours. I don't really remember making this as well. Kind of seems amiliar, but I don't know if I actually remember it or I think that I remember it. Weird to explain.



Patterns. Patterns patterns patterns. I just wanted to make so many pieces with patterns. I didn't even have a point. Actually these kind of pictures are kind of nice because you don't think of anything, you just let your hands do what they want and your mind can be empty.



A year. I wanted to make something else the way I made the first "Wish" picture. I think it came out rather cool.



Bubbles. Thought bubbles. Soap bubbles. I don't even know. Maybe this expresses how thanks to ECT I started to get my emotions back, but they could just pop any time at any small thing. Like soap bubble that floats, until it lands on someone, on the floor or against the wall.



Another mandala thingy. We didn't have any rulers or stuff, so this is just made with my own hand and gel pen.



While making this I thought how I am trying to break free, but can't seem to succeed. How I am drowned by my depression, how I am barely visible. Barely, but that is something. I am afraid that actually I am back at the place where I was, but I think I understand my illness and myself a little more. Does it make any sense? Maybe not, but for me, it does. The main thing is that I am still really. really bad. I even hate writing positive sentences here.



Dark thoughts. Because there are. They come and go and next to them there are also good and positive and beautiful and colourful thoughts and ideas and emotions, but at the same time... a few days ago I wondered what I would say in my farewell letter. At the same time I understood that this is not okay. This is dark thought. And I need to get over it. It needs to be re-painted. I need to program myself to overwrite it. This time I managed.



Faceless. Because this is how I feel every single time when someone asks how I am doing, how I am managing, how I am feeling, what is bothering me. Complete emptiness. Even my face has disappeared, because I have no answers. It is like static on TV, when you pick a non-existen channel.



For some reason this means a lot to me. Life circles. I made it during my individual art therapy, which my doctor had me do after hearing that I like art. In this, there are all my years from my birth up to now. I drew what and when happened. It would be difficult to write it all down here, but while crying, I told it all to the therapist. I don't think any other piece I made helped me as much as this one.



Bottled emotions. Because I feel like most of my emotions are bottled up inside me. I can't access them, not to mention share them with others. I know that there is happiness and sadness in me, there is excitement in me. There is love and there are tears. There is euphoria, there is melancholy. But I don't feel them. They just are. Like in a bottle, separated from the world. You can see them, but not touch them.



This was the very first thing in my first art therapy class. I also had a nightmare of this piece; it was ready in my dream, but kept getting smaller and smaller and emptier. It was disturbing and I have no idea what it meant. I think I would call it... Path.



Again I wanted to make something detailed, at the same time thinking of someone. Is it abnormal of me? I feel that it is, but I don't feel bad relating this to a person. Confused.



This is another very very important picture. Me. What is happening in my head. What is happening in me, what I am. When am I in charge and when not? At least I know now what I am fighting against.



Helping hands. Because everyone are helping me. Everyone around me are understanding and good and I have no idea why I am taken such good care of. Did I save the world in my past life?



Helping hands in a sense that they keep me together from falling into pieces.



During this one I thought about guided meditation, which I also would like to write about at some point. Anyway, after regular breathing exercises we had this short "imagination hike" where in one we took a hot air balloon out for a ride and in another one we went swimming in the sea. This was my interpretation.



What now. What comes next? What is important, what do I want, what I like, what I love, what I aim for, what happens now?

Congrats if you made it to the end!

Something that really helped me was drawing and art. It became a huge part of my days, even though I am not super good at it and these pictures are made rushed and without much thought. It helped me to pass the time.

I got a set of small papers from art therapist, pencil, eraser and pencil sharpner. I myself had colourful pens and I decided to use the red - I created red period in my own art.

Meaning (almost) on every picture there is something red: the ones withput have a different story to them. So okay, let me tell you about these pictures.

I would like to get some feedback as well, but it seems that no one is interested in commenting and to be honest I am not surprised. It is a weird topic and even getting anyone to read it, surprises me.



This is my favourite picture, because this shows exactly how I felt at the hospital in the beginning. A big shadow, some presence. It was my eating disorder, not depression I think. The thing is that my body is so malnourished and does not have enough strength to function and ged rid of depression. My body's BMI is too low. I weighted 43 kg when I got to the hospital (I am 170 cm tall), so the BMI was 14,84. Anorexics are considered people from 17,5, which would mean I have to have body mass of 50 kg. Only then psychotherapy would help me. That is also why they didn't start with ECT right away. I needed to live a little better. Yep, they even considered sending me to intensive care unit.



Here I think I wanted to show how a number has completely taken over my life. Because even right now I do not want to change. It is like measuring tape around my head and I can't get rid o it. Or... I don't want to get rid of it? I have, by now, lived like this for years and I don't have any strength to get rid of it. To fight with myself.

Oh yeah it would be so nice to eat like a whole 100g chocolate per day. Be happy for every extra bite. Drink nutri-drinks. I think I could do it. Not care. But I am scared. I am scared of the change, because I only know myself as I am right now. This post does not make any sense any more, but I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind now.



The story behind this picture is eather pretty. It shows how I want to help others. I wanted to help others whe whole time I was at the hospital. I wanted to make others feel better. I felt stronger when someone else was sadder. I was a shoulder to cry on. I was watering pot, when someone needed strength to bloom.



This shows accidentally what I was (am?). At the hospital I was often given an extra apple or banana, thus the picture was born after lunch one day.

In Norwegian, the apple’s core is called “epleskrott”. “Skrott” also translates “carcass”, but Norwegians usually uses the term for a body that is still alive but very tired from exceeding strains and hardships that should be utterly destroying the human body and mind and soul - one friendly soul wrote this to me on Twitter as a response.



I wanted to make something colourful for a change, but at the same time to express that I was lost. Still am though.



Sleep helped me feel better. Finally, for the first time in a year I managed to rest fully. Sleep was my cure. My rest.



My mum said that my eating disorder is like a demon on my shoulder. I translated it into picture like this. She was happy over it. Me too, to be honest.



I felt as if I was the most wasteful person. I wasted space, overall. The second day at the hospital... I kept crying. I felt like everyone else had it worse, they suffered more, they were in worse situation and I thought I did not belong there.

I have to say that all the people I cried for, meant very much to me at the end. I am glad we are already planning some meetups. Finally we can share our hardships between us, because we know what we have gone through.



Oh how I wish I could just put my brain into washing machine, wash out the stupid ideas and keep living. Oh how I wish.

Anyway, here are some pictures from after the red period:



These gentleman with cat-hair and dog-hair found their way to my doctor's wall, as she said she collects stuff like this when she was visiting me in my room and spotted the picture on the window.

After this it was easy to give one more thing away:



This travelled home with one of the guardians who always looked through my pictures when she was checking the rooms. She always gave me reviews, honest reviews. As an exchange, she brought me a small statue of an angel that is now taking care of me. :)

I will write about works I made in art therapy as well as some other pictures that were reviewed by the mentioned guardian. If anyone is interested.

It is actually easier and nicer to write stuff down between the pictures. Even when my writing and picture do not have any connection. Somehow they are mine and show my feelings better than words. Somehow they are enqually important as stuff that I write down. And they remind me of people, situations, feelings.

Anyway, talk to you soon. Maybe I will post more pictures, maybe not. Maybe I will write about my eating disorder behaviours and triggers. Maybe I don't.