Hey there.
I hate you. I used to love you. Or I mixed them up. And I still don't know if hating you is real, maybe there is still some part of me that loves and misses you. Because sometimes I feel like there is. It is like on a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down. You were such a huge part of my life, my every day, my thoughts, my opinions etc. You changed my mood however you wanted and you made me do things I never thought I would.
You ruined my relationships with my friends, family and other people. You kept me in prison, you didn't let me enjoy things, you didn't want mi to live. And I was okay with it. Oh, I was. I liked being alone, do my own thing and have a competition with myself.
I didn't want to get better. For a long time. I kept thinking that I have to keep going, need to lose more weight, need to feel hunger for one more day, restrict for another day. It was an addiction. I am thinking that... people who are in a violent relationship often don't leave. I was the same with you. I held you close with my teeth and nails. You were such a big part of me and my identity. Well, you are me, but you are the awful, freaky part which I don't want.
I don't know how you came to be, what made you appear and why did you stay for so long. You were a goal to try and reach. You were a challenge before I started this blog and when I didn't know there are all kinds of challenges I could do instead. You were and obsession, my own dark cloud over my head.
I remember these times at the hospital when I cried at the doctor's office and repeated that I don't want to change, I don't want to get better, I want to run back to you. I knew that things will be "right" again, as soon as I got out the hospital. I read the days and hours and minutes until I could regain the control. And then I made it there, everything continued the exact same way as before hospital.
But in reality the control wasn't in my hands, was it? It was on you. I was on autopilot and I let you whisper into my ear about what to do, how to be, who to talk to, how to behave.
You made me lie to people. After the hospital, I told my mum my weight every Monday and Thursday. And I always lied it to be 100 grams more. Me weight went up. But when I visited my parents and they saw me, they understood that I had been lying. My best friend also saw it, but she never said anything, she only asked how I am doing sometimes. It was the best she could do. Because if she had forced me or told me face to face what is happening, I would have probably gotten even worse.
At the hospital you made me hide food. All the packs of butter I hid into the tissues. All the extra things I needed to have and made me super upset. When I went to "meet a friend", in reality I jast RAN to the store, looked at some food and wen't back. You made me do pushups on the toilet, run on the spot, do jumping jacks. You never let me just sit down. Like, I kept shaking my knees, because I thought it would burn a few more calories. So stupid. It is absurd.
You made me cry and feel shit about myself, die over guilt. You didn't let me have a candy - in fact, you made it into a drama and reminded me this for days and days.
You ruined my health. You broke my hair and nails, turned my skin blue and made me have osteopenia, not to mention all the other things.
You made me only think of one thing. Food. Cooking. Calories.
I want to let go. Of you. I want to let your go. But at the same time I don't want you to catch a new victim. I want to wave at you and know you are never coming back.
I am better now. A lot better. Both mentally and physically. But I am not completely healed. I am addicted to food, I still keep thinking about it most of the time. I make myself walk for thousands steps every day. Just to make what is left of you happy. I want to rest, sit, sleep, feel myself better and confident and now be afraid of weighing myself in the mornings, because maybe I have gained a few hundred grams. And I don't want this to make me feel bad.
You are still in my head, my mind, my thoughts. And I don't know if I will get rid of you completely one day. I have a feeling that probably not. On some days I feel fine, but then you trash my head again, poisoning my brain and forcing my body.
But what I wanted to tell you...
It is not about me. It is you.
Goodbye.
I would like to mention that my computer doesn't really work at the moment and I can't be sure I post on Friday. I don't know what is wrong with it, but it is very annoying. So I guess I am doing a challenge about not using the computer. :D
Actually I do have an idea for the next post, but it depends if I can write it or not.
With not having my laptop, I have gotten into watching Tiktoks. I didn't use tha app at all, but now I open in constantly throughout the day. And I laugh at the clips. LAUGH! I giggle at some of the videos and it is so surprising, because mainly I feel nothing and it is weird. But sometimes I do get other emotions through this haze. They are not always positice, but at least I feel SOMETHING.
On the weekend I had my birthday party with friends and it was really nice. Everyone who came were really important to me and I felt at ease and peaceful, because we just were and talked and enjoyed the evening.
I had a huge binge and now, even two days later, I still feel bad (also not only mentally, bysically as well). But as before, I am sure I will get over it. Last time I went to see my psychologist she asked what I do when I really feel baf. And I just said that I keep thinking that I have gotten over similar things previously and this gives me hope that it will pass this time as well. Yes, I will probably feel bad for a few more days, but it WILL pass. Sometimes when everything is shit, I keep repeating to myself that at SOME point it should start getting better?! And if it doesn't... well, we will deal with it then.
Avtually I wanted to write even longer letter, because I have so many thoughts in my head, but I also wanted to keep it short and sweet. I didn't feel like writing down my whole life story. I have done it enough here. :D But yeah, these are the last words to my eating disorder. Some part of it is still there and will probably stay with my always, but mostly I consider myself healed. If I don't develope a binge eating disorder, which is also concern to my psychologist... but well, we will deal with it when time comes as well.
I am trying to remember good moments from Saturday and Sunday and hope it helps. I don't know... thoughts to have some strength. I have told myself nice things as well, like I mentioned in my previous post. And it becomes easier and easier every day, I don't even have to remind myself to tell myself nice things, it is automatic. Even if I don't believe the things, I think it affects me on some level. At least I hope so, hehe. Worth a shot.
This week we have Eurovision, are you going to watch it as well? I will. I have a TV this year too, I don't have to watch it from YouTuvbe or something, I can properly enjoy it! And then for the final I will go to my sister's with a friend and we will have a small party... every weekend is becoming a cheat day, haha. :D But at the same time I still am doing well during the week as well, I eat properly, though it is difficult. Like before my birthday it was really tough - do I eat in the morning and during lunch? But I was good and did it.
I have gained a lot of weight and now I can say I am over the 50 kg mark. So yeah, in a little bit I will be at the normal weight! And even though my commentator said that I should reach around 61, my doctors are saying that maximum should be 55. Thich kind of sucks and it is difficult and annoying and makes me stressed and feel awful. I would write more about it, but I am just so confused.
In general I feel a bit lost at the moment. I don't have a goal, something to reach for. Yeah, I would like to go back to school, but I need something... I don't know, more personal? So I am working towards findings something. We shall see how this goes. I will try to spend more time with myself this week and try to figure stuff out. I just... would like to turn a corner and have myself pulled into a fantasy world, where I could be an awesome warrior or something. :D
