Like, I have never had any problems with my appetite. Even when I was very sick, I still ate quite big portions and finished every night off with a dessert. And I have never understood people who say thy are not hungry in the morning and have to wait a little bit (like my best friend :D). Because I am like... give me food and right now.
And then it was Saturday morning where I couldn't even stand the thought of food. Knowing I have to have breakfast literally made my stomach turn.
I still made myself porridge with strawberries and it was really good, considering I have been having yoghurt bowls as breakfast for most of the days recently. But I was just so tired of eating. I ate really fast and it was the same with lunch - I made scrambled eggs with mushrooms and sundried tomatoes, also had some cherry tomatoes and the side and poured everything over with ketchup and mayo. I wasn't hungry at all. Me. Not hungry. I really wondered what had happened.
I didn't understand it when my friend said that she is tired of eating, but on Saturday I felt it too. I just couldn't be bothered. But I did. I had some Marianne (choco mint) candies and thought that damn, I have to make something again in the evening.
On Sunday, however, I felt really hungry. So then I ate even more. I just felt like I was eating and eating and eating and eating all the time. And even when I am full, I still keep eating. Because, I don't know. I am used to this. I am Signe, I have to eat a lot. And I want to eat a lot. At the same time I do and don't? Like, I have an appetite, but I am not hungry but then I am and it is really confusing.
It is nice that people don't worry about me. I am actually happy when someone tells me I look good. At the same time I kind of still want to be the one who is told that "you need to eat more". This would be like... a legitimate reason for having another portion or something.
Yeah, all in all it has been a confusing weekend. I haven't done anything, I didn't even go for a walk on Saturday. It just... I am feeling really depressed? On Sunday I had so many dark thoughts and then I couldn't breathe normally and I wondered if I should call my doctor or what. And then I understood I just had panic. I haven't had this in a while, so I couldn't name it. But when I understood I had a small panic attack, it made me feel a little bit better. At least I could get behind it. This didn't really help though, because I had no idea what to do to feel better.
I haven't done any studying, which is a shame. Time goes by and I am still here, doing nothing.
On Tuesday I have my first appointment with a new psychologist, I dunno. It kind of makes me anxious, but I need to talk to someone and right away, especially considering my thoughts this weekend. For real, my mental pain is so big I seriously wanted to hurt myself. I considered taking all of my meds at once to get rid of this. Of course I didn't do it, because I don't want to hurt people around me, but this feeling is just so overwhelming, painful, scary, awful, uncomfortable, disgusting, confusing, complicated.
I could have called someone and talked, but I didn't want to do that. I just wanted it to stop.
Now some time has passed, it is Sunday afternoon and I think I feel a little bit better. But at the same time I don't know when it all may flip again.
I am just tired, so damn tired. From eating. Being. Thinking.
For quite some time things have been going well. Everything has been okay. Can't really complain. I have had enough motivation, so this is not the problem. But now this weekend was such a trainwrack, I can't even analyze it.
So I came here to tell a few things. I don't want to scare anyone, make people panic or say that see, you can't be happy. There just are some moments like this, can't help it. Even mentally stable people have more difficult times, especially right now.
I don't know what else to say, so I thought I will write about a book that I read. Wintergirls.
I haven't read in English for quite some time, it was nice. It went really fast. And I hate but like the book at the same time.
It is about a girl, who has anorexia and who'se best friend was a bulimic. Was. Because at the beginning of the book she dies. And then the story follows the anorexic girl and how she handles life.
And she doesn't handle it well, not at all.
I didn't really recognize myself in the book. Maybe a little, when she didn't want to get better, because I didn't for a long time either. I still think about it sometimes and regret it. I miss the hospital. I miss boney, small Signe that can hide easily. Yep, I still miss her. I have been on this path of recovery properly for about half a year. I don't know how long it will take until I didn't miss the illness anymore... will I ever be over it completely?
Anyway this book then. Tells a story about daily struggles. Difficulties. Confusion. Add best friend's death and you get a pretty depressing story. But I kind of liked it. It had beautiful descriptions, it was very detailed. It was eyeopening and difficult read. And for people who are still struggling a lot, it would probablt be really triggering. So yeah, if you want to read it, think about where you are mentally. If you are in a safer place already, then go ahead.
I don't want to tell the ending or anything, but... it was interesting. And it wasn't like in a fairy tale, it was hard.
It was eye opening in a sense that I am not that familiar with bulimia and it talked a lot about it. Educating, maybe. I don't know, this book caused a lot of confusion in me, but I couldn't put it down, so I read it within two days. :D I haven't read as much as I have been doing recently for ages. I wish I could study more as well, haven't done that.
I still feel quite bad. I thought that writing my emotions out hel, but nope. I am in a weird trap here, and can't decide what to do. I can't be bothered to exercise. I don't want to study. I am too lazy to watch something. I don't want to read any more. I just cannot be bothered with anything. I would like to take a nap, but I know I don't fall asleep during the day. Oeh, this life thing is difficult.
It is really nice outside, I could go for a run. But I don't want to. The thought of putting on workout clothes really makes me panicy. I also haven't turned on the TV today, because my thoughts are so loud and I don't want to add this to it.
A new week is coming. I should do a challenge. I actually really wanted to do a running one, and went for a run for two days, but then the rain and snow came and ruined everything. Now my streak is over and I feel like it is pointless to go. Missed two days already, why would I go again. Stupid. I don't have to think all or nothing. But I do. Argh, it really annoys me.
Communication with myself is really difficult. It was the same last night. I put on a yoga video - five minutes later I stopped. Tried to work out - did one exercise, and could no more. Then I looked for some more videos, but they all seemed so pointless. Started and stopped. Started and stopped.
I want some excitement, I want life, I want travelling, I want something new and interesting. Something that has nothing to do with food. There should be another reason for existing, but sometimes I just can't see it. I am stuck again, thinking what normal people do during their free time. It is so fucking difficult. :(
I am looking at my running challenge posts, maybe I will add something here, because it is sad to just let it go unpublished. Maybe I will try again next week? I will see how the weather is.
So I did my first run after this one trial time and... it wasn't as nice as the previous one. It was quite cold outside and it started snowing in the middle of my run! I did not expect this, especially considering it was the 7th of April. I thought SOMETHING was going to come down, because when I hurried home, the sky was filled with dark clouds, but I thought it would be rain. So yeah, that was surprising.
So in the middle of the run I got snow in my eyes, the wind was super strong and it was awful. I still did 2,93 km round! I really hoped I would manage three, but yeah, not this time. I guess it was partly because I wanted to cross the street during the green light and really ran fast. I couldn't get into my normal rhytm after it, and I became super tired. Then I finished. Okay, I did some more jogging, as I was quite far from home still and I would have gotten really cold. I have a path of three km, which has been quite fine. I haven't grown tired of it yet. :D When I lived in the previous place, I was really annoyed with my round and I had to really switch my run up every day. So yeah, this area is still interesting for me.
I felt really good after the run. Did some more exercises at home too and then jumped under a hot shower. On the next day my muscles weren't sore at all, so it was nice. I did only few exercises, but combined with running it was enough.
Actually I think I shouldn't even call it running, because it is more like jogging slowly. My average pace was 6:17 minutes per km, which is really long. Considering I used to run in 5 or less. I don't really remember, but it was something like this. But this run was a bit faster than a precious one. :D By two seconds, but oh well.
Anyway, now you see why I need to ectivity watch! I want to follow my progress. Because really, for a moment I thought that I did one run, I should go again... but when I didn't go, I didn't feel bad! This is such a win for me. So now I am moving because I WANT to. Also before my run I had some cookies and it was nice fuel, got my sugar kick. :D
Also I don't set a rule that I HAVE to run this distance. I just run as much as I want to, feel like and can be bothered. Of course I don't stop after a few minutes, because I need to push myself a little, but I don't want to overtrain.
The weather was much nicer during my second run, even though it was really windy. I wanted to stop real bad. Besides I didn't go for a run right after getting home from work, I just chilled a little bit and it was much more difficult to make myself go outside.
I ran 3 km this time, yay!
The run itself was more difficult than the day before, even though I did it for a little longer. At least I didn't tire myself out too much and when the streetlight changed, I actually stopped and waited for it. I took a little break, it worked and my energy was better than yesterday.
And well, then the weather turned shit and there was no third, fourth, fifth run. Yeah, at the moment I am thinking that on Monday I have a new chance, but I don't know what the reality will be. I guess we will see what I post about next Monday.
Actually today for a third day I am doing another challenge, which may be a bit stupid, but I WANT to do it. Some people try out those morning routines where they wake up at 5 am, I am doing the exact opposite, haha. :D
I don't know, I always feel better in the evenings. Mornings depend on many things, but then it is downhill and evenings are good again. Today has been the same. Even though I still feel a bit iffy. Not looking forward to work week at all. I just want to have a long weekend, but during the weekend I am like "I don't have anything to do, everything is so depressing". I just don't know.
I should check when I took my vacation. I think it was at the end of May, if I am not wrong. I just want to go to a forest or just hike all day. Or disappear for that time. Be a ghost and just stalk on people, because my own life just feels disgusting at the moment. Õõõõõh.
I apologize for complaining so much. I just thought I am honest and will write about what is going on in my head. So today is a bit weird one. Don't worry, everything is okay though. It will get better. If everything goes to shit, there has to be a time where stuff gets better again, right?
