I Won't Quote

Or okay, not really zero, because this is quite impossible. Then I would have had to stay in bed all day, not to mention I couldn't go to bathroom. But I walked... very little. How much? Well, I don't know, because I removed my watch, put it in the drawer and decided to spend the day doing nothing.

On Saturday I went to the beach with some friends and then later we all came to my place and on the next day I was just soooo tired. I got out of bed at like half past 12 and I was thinking about going to the gym. But then I wondered why. Why do I make myself go, if I really don't have to. Why do I keep making myself walk around for hours and hours? And I gave myself a permission to rest. I accepted the thought of doing nothing all day. Not go out at all. To rest.

And as soon as I gave this permission to myself, I felt so good. So free. So normal. I didn't check the time. Usually my weekend is like that: at least by 11 I am out of the house, taking a little walk. Then I go back home to have lunch and after lunch at one point I go to the gym. But I didn't want to force myself, I didn't want to think that I HAVE to move, have to do something, have to be active. And it was soo freeing.

Of course laying in bed I looked at other's Instagram stories and saw one for example that said "if you walk home from a party and night and have 17 000 steps by 7 am". It was, well, triggering. Instantly I got this competitive feeling and I felt like I should walk a bit as well, why am I so lazy, a vegetable doing nothing. :D And then my next thought was that why do I even compare myself to them. What does it give to me? Nothing but stress.

I had a lot of fun last night. I felt like a human, not like an eating disorder or depression or anxiety or suicidal. I felt just... normal. I was interested in people, talking, being, music etc. I didn't think about not doing anything. I had a very easy day activity vise yesterday, even though at first I did plan going to the gym. But I skipped it. Because it doesn't matter. If you don't go to the gym for a week. Two. Three. Just... don't go at all if you don't feel like it, it is fine. :D There are a lot of people who don't do any activity. There are so many more aspects to life.

At the moment I have already had breakfast, proper lunch, drank several cups of coffee with vanilla soya milk and honestly I still feel very normal. In the morning I had a loot of anxiety. Honestly I felt like I was going to die. I even did some breathing exercises my psychologist taught me and all that. I don't know if it helped. Maybe a little, I got out of my head, focused on this one thing and it releaved some panic. But it didn't go away completely and at the moment I feel a bit disgusting, but I am not giving up.

In the evening my sister is coming over, I will try to make some Chinese and I will make naan bread myself. I hope it comes out fine, I have hope. :D I need to go by the store and get some veggies for it. My first thought was that I should go to the one Maxima store that is further away so I could get some steps in. But then I was like no, Signe, we are having a rest day. And if I already walk a few thousand, I can't stop.

I am annoyed at the constant step measuring. From my home to shopping center: 7500-8000 steps. From work to home: 12 000 steps. From my place to my sister's place: 3000 steps. From work to the shopping center: 4000 steps. It is pointless. :D But somewhy I just remember these things.

I liked that when I told my best friend I am doing this challenge, she just said "FINALLY". :D Because yes, this is a problem. And this feeling that you CAN rest is so freeing. Yes, I did think that maybe I shouldn't eat that much today, because I am not moving a long etc. But like, food is good, you gotta eat and even just being uses up some energy. I wouldn't have had any strength to write this post if I didn't eat. :D I wouldn't have been happy to go downsairs when my friend brought me some honey (good Estonian honey, if anyone is interested). I would have been too tired to talk to her. But it was so fun. Just to see another person for a few minutes and chat a little. It really made me feel more positive.

Anyway yes, this is my Sunday. A proper rest day. I could get used to this. :D Yes, I like walking, running, hiking, working out, being active and all that, but it doesn't mean I want it to be my obsession. I want to do those things when I feel like it. For example yesterday I went for a walk and during the middle of it I wrote to my sister saying that I don't want to walk anymore. I just couldn't. It was a waste of time.

I should of course study for uni entrance exam, but... well,I have a REST day. Sundays are meant to be for resting. :D I am starting to understand this, I hope I can incorporate more days like this into my life.

But yeah, in general... when people share how much they walk and how many steps they have taken, it is really heavy and awful in my mind. I am trying to get rid of it so much, but it always still affects me negatively. This is why I almost never write down how much I walk etc, I just don't want people to compare themselves to me and feel bad or think that they need to beat me. This is a very bad road to walk on.

I will now go to the closest of stores and then continue laying in bed, because... RESTING.

–

And now I have been to the store, taken a shower and cleaned a little at home. I am feeling million times better. I sat outside in the sun a little and I just was, not thinking about the steps and not counting the steps in my mind, which is a thing I sometimes do. I just chilled and was present, was with myself. I have gotten rid of the anxiety, maybe a little is still left, but not much. Soon my sister is coming over and... I don't know, I feel human. :D I am not worried about not walking and these kind of moments are really important to me.

I thought that maybe I could record some of the book and I guess I will do it a little later. I will try to mark down later or tomorrow how I am doing in general. :D

–

So, okay, in the evening I also didn't give uo and I didn't go for a walk, even though I wanted to. Instead I started making food, when my sister came. I planned making tempura coated veggies with chilli-garlic-honey sauce and naan bread. My tempura coating was a bit of a failure, because I had some premade mix, and I made it too liquidy. But it tasted fine still.

I used carrots, cauliflower and broccoli, cut it all into small chuncks and put them into the tempura batter and then to the air fryer. Also added some salt. I made it in batches, to make them crispy, and then put everything in at once to make them hot. It came out really well. Then I had some sriracha-galric sauce which I added honey to, mixed everything up and it was done.

At the same time I also made some naan bread. I tried to find this recipe online, but I couldn't. Anyway, I used 150 g of flour, 150 g of yoghurt, teaspoon of baking powder, tablespoon of water, teaspoon of salt and a little sprinkling of sugar. I mixed it all up, kneaded it for a bit and rolled it out. It was SUPER sticky, but I managed!

Fried it a few minutes on the pan in oil from both sides and then topped it with herb-butter and garlix mix. It looks green due to the herbs in butter.

Anyway this dinner was AMAZING. Me and my sister watched three episodes on Brooklyn 99 and enjoyed the evening. Then I went to bed. It was a really nice rest day and this has been one of my favourite challenges, haha. :D

I am starting to write this post right now, on Monday morning, so it won't be that long I think.

• 

Me, being pleased with my clothes.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little about how I deal with working out. And it is going well! I usually go to the gym like 2 times per week, mostly on the weekends, because on weekdays I get home quite late. I have gone a few times during the week as well, but then I have worked from home so going there takes no time at all. But in general it is good that I don't feel like I have to go every single day. I just take it easy, go when I want to and feel like it. I don't force myself to go at all.

Usually I jog a little and then use the equipment. Me! I have gotten used to using quite a few machines already, but there are still some I haven't checked out. I have my own certain routine of things I always do. I don't haby any muscles to show yet, but I don't work out that much. But at the same time after a workout I often get slightly sore muscles and I really like this feeling. :D And also it has never been too painful, just nice. And I think this is healthy.

In addition to using the equipment, I also do something with dumbbells and recently I have also started to pay attention to my abs. Even though I should probably do more for them, as I am so weak at my core. :D It will progress as time goes by, I am sure. Usually I stay at the gym for an hour or a little more.

On the weekend I used the running machine and jogged a little. Can't really call it proper running, as I am so slow, but it is at least something. Like last time I did FOUR AND A HALF km. I was super proud, as it has been a long time since I ran that much. I like running on the machine more, because it helps me to keep the pace. Outside I always start too fast and then get tired really soon. Also there aren't any crossroads and stuff at the gym. Or other people. There aren't many people who just run at the gym, mostly people walk. Most of the people still use the machines or dumbbells.

I am thinking that I should make a plan and write down how much weight I use on which machine etc, because it gets difficult to remember it all. And I would like to follow my progress more closely.

Something more general now as well... went to the beach on Friday and after that went to have food at Chakra, an Indian place. It was really nice, I highly recommend this place. On the beach there were quite a few people which was also a good change. :)

Then on Saturday I didn't really do anything, I was mainly at home... tried to study a bit, but wasn't successful. But I know I HAVE to do it as soon as possible, because I applied to uni on Friday and soon the exam takes place. I need to get at leasy 70 points, it is possible to get 50 from the test and 50 from the interview. I hope I am going to ace the interview, so I don't have to worry too much. I have hope. But even if I get 70 points, only first 30 will get a spot. :D And there are about 80 people registered...

Then in the evening I went to the gym and was there for a little less than an hour, because I simply was too tired. And it had a lot of people, considering it was Saturday, usually there aren't that many. Everyone are hungover from last night or out partying again usually, as weather is also super nice at the moment. Then I went home, ate a lot of course and then headed to bed. I had stayed up quite late on Friday so I was really sleepy.

On Sunday I had a proper rest, went to some stores. But I couldn't be bothered to try clothes on so I just went back home. Though one pair of pants is still in my mind, I think I have to go back at one point. I want mum jeans, because these are super popular at the moment and I love people wearing them. But I have tried them, and I don't like them on me. But I won't stop until I find a pair.

Then yesterday evening I also sorted through my clothes, even though I didn't manage to do it with everything. I was left with quite a bit I want to give away or sell. Also these are not only super small things, I have all the sizes. :D I feel kind of sad at the idea of throwing them away. I think in the end I will still bring them to the collection point and that will be done. I am just kind of sad that some of the things I haven't even worn.

I also thought about selling them at a second hand store, but I don't know how well it would go. Are there people actually buying stuff from there? Usually there are so few people in these kind of stores so I don't know. Also if any one my friends would like some new clothes - please drop by and see if you'd like something. :D I have pants, dresses, sweaters, jackets, blouses, a lot of things! Me and my friends used to do something like this: we went to someone's place with all the things we wanted to give away and then swich them. :D I would gladly do something like this again.

I am not really excited for the new week, because there is soooo much at work I need to do. One of my bosses has a holiday for a month and before this I really need to figure some things out. I try to take it easy and not stress too much. I also started to write a proper diary and I did write there that I worry way too much over stuff. Also I have another conflict - I always think and say I want to be more spontaneous, but I like knowing proper plans. It is kind of difficult to find the in-between...

But coming back to the gym, I think that yes, I need to plan out my workouts better. Like on what day I will do what etc. I really would need someone's help for that though, I am such a newbie. :D Of course I could learn stuff from YouTube, I am sure there is a lot of content (I even looked up how to use some of the equipment). But having someone with an experience would be beneficial.

With eating, things are going okay, but I feel like I still have some fearfoods, which I should take head on. :/ Because like... every day I keep thinking that I eat the same kind of stuff. I need to make something else. But I am so used to this. But then I keep thinking that there is so much other good food, I need to try it all... but I never get around to it.

Like at the moment it is difficult to eat rice, noodles (it used to be that pasta was no go and noodles were okay, now it is the opposite :D), beans and lentils (I don't even know, why, it used to be okay), some fruit (like mango, banana - even though I add banana to my porridge evert day), some vegetables (like avocado) etc. Yesterday I did make noodles with eggs and veggies for dinner and it was amazing. I don't know why I am scared. It just is like that. Also at the moment it is summer and I only want to eat fresh stuff. Ugh, this is just so irritating.

Anyway, here are some general plans for this week:

1. Finish some critical things at work.

2. Think and plan gym workouts.

3. Try and run more, both indoors and outdoors.

4. Study, study, study.

5. Try to be more spontaneous.

6. Eat different foods.

7. Spend more time in the sun.

8. Read more books.

9. Stress less.

10. Think of a GOOD challenge and execute it.

Here you go, ten things, I can be happy now. :D I will now try to get int work, as last week was a bit half-arsed. It is difficult to get back into rhytm.

Again I don't have any idea what to write about, but I thought I will jot down something about my last few days. Like for example on Saturday my parents and grandma came over, because the latter really wanted to see our own homes.

At first I had MAX stress over them coming, because I am just tired. I have a vacation and I just want to be and not talk to anyone and I keep worrying ahead. But it was actually kind of nice. Luckily they didn't stay for too long either, because it takes a wile to drive back to Viljandi and I could enjoy my evening, which consisted of me going to the store. :D At least I could walk a bit.

At first we met up at my sister's place, I started cooking in the morning of course. Actually I woke up at 6 am already, even without an alarm and then at half past eight I went to the gym. :D I knew that there weren't going to be many people and I thought I can try out all the machines. I did, at the moment my arms and back are a bit sore, but it feels nice. I am so proud of myself that I finally started using the weights and stuff, it was really fun. And made me feel really good.

And then around 8:30 I left the gym and went home to cook. At sister's place, I prepared some chacutterie boards for snacking and I also made dinner, because we were supposed to come and have it at my place.

• 

• 

Everyone wew like WOW, when they saw what I had prepared and all the things were eaten (mostly thanks to me). :D It was nice to chat and just sit around. I have a lot of moments where I am really stressed in advance and when the even happens, everything is different and normal. Of course I overate a little, but I knew that would happen as well.

Only picture I took during the eating. Soy mince with tomato sauce and all the other good things.

Then at one point I came home and prepared the salad, before others came over. We looked through my flat and I got such nice cups from my grandma! She said that as I drink a lot of tea, she thought about giving me mugs. :D And I also got some money, as I really need to get a new oven. I have already picked out the one I want. :) I really am looking forward to being able to properly bake, my gas oven just burns the food. At the moment I can use my air fryer when I need to make something, so I am not in that much hurry, but still, I would like to get a proper oven as well. Especially because I am planning to live in this flat for a long time. And I can't wait to bake bread again too, not to mention make cakes sometimes. For work or when someone is coming over.

On Sunday I wanted to go to the gym at 8 in the morning and I had my alarm set, but I just left it at that. I had one cocktail too much last night and I was so tired and felt awful, so I just stayed in bed for 4 more hours, doing nothing.

And I thought that... these days after overeating are actually nice. Because I finally don't feel hungry when I wake up and I could not have any food for the whole day. Of course I had breakfast, lunch and dinner still, because I knew I had to eat, but I wasn't constantly thinking about food for a change. It usually is on my mind constantly and it is really annoying. I don't even know if I like food, I just like the process of eating. It is part of my day. I usually always watch something and just eat. I don't know, will I ever get rid of this addiction? Don't normal people want to snack ALL the fucking time?

I talked to a friend about having a food addiction. There are people who like food and then there are us - to quote - freaks. This is so true. :D At the moment I have found myself some other things to do and people to hang out with, so my focus has changed a bit. But I still think about wanting to be at home for 90% of the time when I am with someone. This is not okay. I feel really bad about it, but I can't... help it.

And now, coming back to food - I just went to the store and discovered a new sugar free lemonade. It tastes like the old classic, I had to get it. :D It was really good (I also got some vegan ice cream).

I haven't really done anything with my vacation, I have met a few friends and that's about it. I really enjoyed Friday, because I had zero things I needed to do, so I was my own boss. I didn't feel the pressure of being somewhere or doing something. I don't like watching the clock and thinking oh now I have to go somewhere or whatever. I always keep thinking about "oh I need to get going in two hours". And then one etc. I feel like it ruins my whole day.

I am weird like this - every time when I have to meet someone, I tell people they should warn me 3-5 working days in advance, so I could mentally prepare myself. But when the time comes, I still don't want to do anything. Also I prefer doing things in the mornings, I feel like I am getting rid of the responsibility and I can plan rest of the day myself.

And all in all, I would actually like if people were like "let's do something right now". Then I don't have to feel this "I have to get going soon" emotion, which is really tiring for me. I don't know, I just can't find the middle path, I don't know what to do. I used to think I wanted to be more spontaneous, but then at the next moment I am against it again. Maybe it could be a good new challenge? Where I don't plan anything and just go with the flow. But at the same time I can't tell my friends that hey, I am having this challenge today, please ask me out or something. That would be planning. :D Õõõh. My life is not interesting as well so there aren't many things happening.

At the moment when I am writing this post, it is Sunday evening and I am going to the cinema soon. I want to go, but at the same time I am thinking of I want to stay hoooome. Like, I don't know. :D And it is also true that when I am making plans, I am excited, but I don't want to go through with them. Annoying as fuck.

For tomorrow I have a plan, for Tuesday as well (I am getting rid of my braces!), for Wednesday as well, for Thursday and Friday and Saturday as well... It is actually tiring. :D I think that I need to cancel something, because I feel like I need my own time as well. :D But I am always afraid that if I say I can't go somewhere, the person or people don't ask me to come the next time. Because they think I will cancel again. Psychologist keeps telling me that it is fine, but I think it is still a problem, because I want to cancel things EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I just suffer, to make other happy. And I understand I need to force myself sometimes, because otherways I couldn't get anything done. But likeeeeeee. Do I need to move into the mountains, take a sheep and two chickens and then hike all day? It actually does sound like a dream. :D

This is why I kind of liked corona time and lockdown, because I didn't have any responsibilities. I could just say "I don't dare at the moment" and everyone accepted it, haha. But I know this kind of thing sucks. I just, yeah, feel really depressed recently. Even though I know all the things that are coming up are actually nice. In theory. Often it is also the opposite - I don't want to do something, then I still follow up on it and instead of having fun I just suffer. I would like to be someone who likes hanging out with others, walk around and do things, I want not to stress over everything. I can't wait to see my psychologist, because I have a feeling I need to talk about this with her. Like what do I need to do?

I feel like crying writing this. Like honestly. I feel so uncomfortable and disgusting and heavy, I just want to go to bed and not think about anything. Maybe it is depression that is telling this. My dad also surprised me yet again: you have a depression because you don't get enough vitamin D. Not like I take it every day. And spend so much time in the sun. Or eat foods with vitamin D, right...

Anyway yes, I don't know. I am trying and trying to write my thoughts down here, but it is not too successful. Only things that offer me something are going to the gym, walking around and eating, but like, I can't keep living like this. :D Even though I would do only these things. And sometimes blog.

I kind of think I would like to do some free work for smeone. Share something in my blog. Try out some products. Write music reviews. But at the same time I can see these posts are not doing that well. Food related posts are doing the best. :D But if I write about music, I get so few clicks and I would like to share more what you would like to see.

I should take on another long challenge like I did with the tea. For example cheeses. I could write about 100 different cheese. Or... sodas, energy drinks. Or something like that. Porridge. Are there 100 different types of porridge? Maybe I should try it. :D At the moment I have three different porridges at home, so if you would like to read about porridge, let me know. Even though it would really take a long time, because it takes a while to get through a bag. Even if I have it every morning. Or maybe I could write about cereal? My latest obsession...

I would like to be a cat. Motu is sleeping here next to me and he doesn't have any worries. Good dry food, he is getting canned food two times a day, he has water and sometimes gets cat milk as well... he is happy to play with tapestry, if he wants to work out, he just runs around a little, climbs on the wall, he has a soft cat bed, there are a lot of blankets everywhere... amazing, isn't it? Why can't I be a cat?

Or a dog! I am afraid of dogs, but just think how nice they have it. They can go for walks for hours, people take pictures of them, passer bys say that they look super cute and there is no laziness or such. Anyway, I will talk about this to my doctor when I next see her.

Went to see Cruella at the cinem, it was quite good. I haven't been to the cinema in over two years. It was nice for a change. Now I am going to the cinema again. I will see if I add anything here later or not. Or tomorrow morning. It depends on how tired I am, because I would like to sleep now already...

And like, I don't know. I don't want to tell how I felt at the cinema yesterdy. Because it sucked. Movie was good, but I suck. I just cannot. I want to vanish, because then I wouldn't have to cancel plans or just be. At the moment I feel like I want to throw my router out from the window, break my phone and just be alone until the end of my vacation.

 Yep.

Probably everyone are thinking that this is not a good idea, your health isn't the best yet, you shouldn't move at all and so on. And I guess it is true to some degree. I shouldn't move too much or too fast. So I have strict rules about what I am allowed to do and what not. I talked to my psychologist about it, and also my doctor. They agreed I should join a gym and attend yoga classes.

So that is what I am doing! This time I picked 24/7 Fitness, as one of the clubs is really near to my home and workplace. I will just pack my clothes with me and go to yoga after work. And if there are not classes on that day, I can go to other location.

Already the first time when I went to yoga class, my mental state became a lot better. I felt as if I had control over my life again, like I had succeeded in something. It felt so good and simple and nice! Also I had a very challenging day at work, and the only thought that kept me going was that I can go to yoga after it.

Yes, of course I could just follow online videos, as I have done before. But this is not it. I need someone to teach me, show me and help me with modifications. And this is the best done with a trainer in place.

Also I can see other people, how they look like. I see those who don't necessarily attend the classes, but who are just running, using the bike or doing other exercises.

On Monday I wanted to go to stretching class, but it was cancelled due to lack of people registering. I thought of just going to the gym and doing something else, but I stopped myself, knowing this is not a right thing to do.

And the next day toga class took place. And I discovered during the last exercise, that I wasn't thinking about anything. I had been completely free from thoughts for 45 minutes. It was so weird, but felt amazing. I am constantly thinking and worrying about things. It helps to just go for a walk, but I haven't felt so rested from my thoughts in a while. The coach asked in the end how I liked the class and said that it seems as if I was in the right place in the right time. And I am so grateful for that.

In general I really like the staff there. They are all so nice, sincere and always give feedback. They often show modifications to people who are not as flexible (like me :D). So I have been really pleased with all the classes I have attended.

Once I went to pilates class as well, which was a little more challenging than yoga. But at the same time I like them both. I still need to stop myself from attending classes every single day. I have the feeling as if I need to go. But it is important for me to take care both of my physical and mental health. And I want to work out because I like it, not because my eating disorder is forcing me. As time has shown, even without working out I haven't gained too much weight.

I have discovered that I am hungrier and eat more when I go to yoga. I have been feeling really guilty about it. And this adds to the stress of having different meals than my sister. But oh well, until now I have felt the bad feelings and just gone forward. I haven't been as stuck as I was before.

So yeah, I will continue going to yoga classes and getting better. I have shown to myself that I don't have to go to gym every day. I still somehow feel that if I have been to on one day, I NEED to go on other day as well, but I have managed to stop myself. I usually go to yoga about 2 times per week, and this is enough.

I feel good. I am super motivated on those days. It is fun.