I don't know if this is some weird phase of the moon or what, but everyone seem to have pretty shitty things happening to them. Including me.
I don't even know, why. Thursday was one of the days where things bothering me came out extra strong and nothing helped. I just felt... so pointless. And then arguing in my head I thought that everything is so pointless and boring.
Nothing interests me. For real. I tried to find something to do yesterday, but my head was completely empty. I don't care about music, movies or series. I am too lazy to do anything by hand. Bullet journaling has become a chore. Colouring, drawing, writing - I just don't care.
The only thing that helps a little is yoga classes. I can get my head empty, this is good. I also attended vinyasa yoga class for the first time, which is a bit different from yogaFUNC and a lot of attention is on poses and stretches. I really liked it.
I hoped to go to another yoga class today, but there were too few people who had registered, so the class was cancelled. On Friday I am going to my parents' place in Viljandi, but before that there are no more classes to attend. I could probably go to one, but I have an appointment with my psychologist and it usually takes quite a long time and I don't want to risk it. I feel like if ever, I need her support right now the most.
I am going to Viljandi because it is my mum's birthday. I need to go and visit her. They came to Tallinn last weekend to bring us tomatoes, but me and my sister were a bit ill, so it was really distanced meeting - no hugs or anything. We even had coffee on the opposite sides of the room.
What else has happened? I went to see two apartments. One I really liked, and I would have loved to say yes, but as I am in between changing jobs, I can't do it right now. It annoys me. I have kept looking though and have found one I truly love!
In general I feel like I am in prison, locked away. I want my OWN home, my own room, my own space, my own kitchen, my own food, my own air, my own, my own, my own. I just feel like I am trapped until I change something in my life.
I don't know what to do with this lack of interest. Like honestly. I have been on my vacation for two weeks now, and I really haven't done ANYTHING. Gone to a yoga a few times, baked some bread... on one day I had lunch out, but other than that? Nothing. Been online, looked at other's life on YouTube (a lot of travel vlogs, hiking videos etc). Haven't lived at all myself. And then yesterday my friend asked if I wanted to meet up and have a glass of wine, and I just said no. Becuse I felt that I didn't want to do it. I don't know what to do, honestly?!
I have seen an advert looking for a mailman, few hours every now and then. And honestly I thought to myself that I could do it in addition to my current job. Getting up early is no problem for me. I just. Don't know. I want to do something, because otherwise I just sit here and think that damn it, everything just sucks.
At the same time I know I should be grateful. Grateful for a fact that I have home, that I have a sister and my family and friends and this blog. But at the same time I feel like I am so fake? Nothing interests me and brings out emotions. I laugh when I need to. I talk when someone asks something. I meet people if it has been agreed in advance. But other than that, everything scares me. It is easier to say no.
For a moment I thought that if I am going to lose my job, it would be maybe nice to travel and see the world. And then I remembered that damn it, there is this corona thing going on. So... so much for that.
This post does not make any sense. I am just writing down whatever comes to my mind. Like now I thought that I am not even interested in reading. I could start a book. I want those moments back where I stayed awake half of the night, because the book was so interesting. But I just... don't care.
I don't know. How do you waste time?
I should probably go over my challenges. See how I did.
My next goal will be attending mum's birthday and taking it easy. I know I am going to overeat.
Also about going to yoga classes - I have a bigger appetite now and this is also kind of scary.
- Have rice several days in a row - did it. Me and my sister ordered some sushi on Saturday and on the next day I made Commune Cafe inspired rice bowl. I did have quinoa, but I wanted to use the rice. And a lot of veggies, also added some lemon-peanut butter-soy sauce thingy. It was good. Rice was easier to eat than I was afraid of.
- Have a snack that is over 200 calories - my first thought was that I shall only have one snack then. But I took a bigger plum, some yoghurt and some granola and had it all together. It was a lot more, but you know what? It was really good.
- Eat peanuts or chips - I guess I kind of did that. Me and my sister tried some fruit/veggie crisps, like dried banana, mango etc. It was good. But next time I want to try some savoury stuff. There are some cool products I have seen in the stores. Still haven't had any peanuts though.
- Have lunch or cake outside - my friend was woeking, so I agreed to go by the cafe she works at. I did it! I had corn pureed soup with paprica salsa. It sounded so interesting that I had to try it. And of course I had some bread and butter with it. It was so good. I also had a proper cafe latte after lunch as well. This was nice day, I really enjoyed my time.
- Have some days off gym - I also did this, mostly thanks to being a bit sick - I had a cough, sore throat and runny nose (it was not corona, don't worry). But even to throw this aside I still had some days on which I did not do any exercise. I went for some little walks though, because I was about to go mad from all the thoughts stuck in my head. This was helpful.
- Go to sleep later - I don't know, did not really do this. Mostly because I have had time off and I have just spent a lot of it online, watching videos and using social media and watching series and movies. And then when the night arrives, I have already done everything I want to do and I am tired of just being online. And I don't have any interests, so I have just gone to bed.
- Eat completely vegan for a day - I didn't do this, but instead I tried a lot of vegan things. My most amazing discovery was some 100% vegan sausages by this one company called Naturli. We tried those with my sister and she also really loved them. She even said that she would like to have them again. She also opposed to trying vegan schnitsel from them, but now she said she could get behind trying it. So yeah, some good vegan discoveries this week!
I don't even know what's next now.
