Just a chat
Again I don't have any idea what to write about, but I thought I will jot down something about my last few days. Like for example on Saturday my parents and grandma came over, because the latter really wanted to see our own homes.
At first I had MAX stress over them coming, because I am just tired. I have a vacation and I just want to be and not talk to anyone and I keep worrying ahead. But it was actually kind of nice. Luckily they didn't stay for too long either, because it takes a wile to drive back to Viljandi and I could enjoy my evening, which consisted of me going to the store. :D At least I could walk a bit.
At first we met up at my sister's place, I started cooking in the morning of course. Actually I woke up at 6 am already, even without an alarm and then at half past eight I went to the gym. :D I knew that there weren't going to be many people and I thought I can try out all the machines. I did, at the moment my arms and back are a bit sore, but it feels nice. I am so proud of myself that I finally started using the weights and stuff, it was really fun. And made me feel really good.
And then around 8:30 I left the gym and went home to cook. At sister's place, I prepared some chacutterie boards for snacking and I also made dinner, because we were supposed to come and have it at my place.
Everyone wew like WOW, when they saw what I had prepared and all the things were eaten (mostly thanks to me). :D It was nice to chat and just sit around. I have a lot of moments where I am really stressed in advance and when the even happens, everything is different and normal. Of course I overate a little, but I knew that would happen as well.
Only picture I took during the eating. Soy mince with tomato sauce and all the other good things.
Then at one point I came home and prepared the salad, before others came over. We looked through my flat and I got such nice cups from my grandma! She said that as I drink a lot of tea, she thought about giving me mugs. :D And I also got some money, as I really need to get a new oven. I have already picked out the one I want. :) I really am looking forward to being able to properly bake, my gas oven just burns the food. At the moment I can use my air fryer when I need to make something, so I am not in that much hurry, but still, I would like to get a proper oven as well. Especially because I am planning to live in this flat for a long time. And I can't wait to bake bread again too, not to mention make cakes sometimes. For work or when someone is coming over.
On Sunday I wanted to go to the gym at 8 in the morning and I had my alarm set, but I just left it at that. I had one cocktail too much last night and I was so tired and felt awful, so I just stayed in bed for 4 more hours, doing nothing.
And I thought that... these days after overeating are actually nice. Because I finally don't feel hungry when I wake up and I could not have any food for the whole day. Of course I had breakfast, lunch and dinner still, because I knew I had to eat, but I wasn't constantly thinking about food for a change. It usually is on my mind constantly and it is really annoying. I don't even know if I like food, I just like the process of eating. It is part of my day. I usually always watch something and just eat. I don't know, will I ever get rid of this addiction? Don't normal people want to snack ALL the fucking time?
I talked to a friend about having a food addiction. There are people who like food and then there are us - to quote - freaks. This is so true. :D At the moment I have found myself some other things to do and people to hang out with, so my focus has changed a bit. But I still think about wanting to be at home for 90% of the time when I am with someone. This is not okay. I feel really bad about it, but I can't... help it.
And now, coming back to food - I just went to the store and discovered a new sugar free lemonade. It tastes like the old classic, I had to get it. :D It was really good (I also got some vegan ice cream).
I haven't really done anything with my vacation, I have met a few friends and that's about it. I really enjoyed Friday, because I had zero things I needed to do, so I was my own boss. I didn't feel the pressure of being somewhere or doing something. I don't like watching the clock and thinking oh now I have to go somewhere or whatever. I always keep thinking about "oh I need to get going in two hours". And then one etc. I feel like it ruins my whole day.
I am weird like this - every time when I have to meet someone, I tell people they should warn me 3-5 working days in advance, so I could mentally prepare myself. But when the time comes, I still don't want to do anything. Also I prefer doing things in the mornings, I feel like I am getting rid of the responsibility and I can plan rest of the day myself.
And all in all, I would actually like if people were like "let's do something right now". Then I don't have to feel this "I have to get going soon" emotion, which is really tiring for me. I don't know, I just can't find the middle path, I don't know what to do. I used to think I wanted to be more spontaneous, but then at the next moment I am against it again. Maybe it could be a good new challenge? Where I don't plan anything and just go with the flow. But at the same time I can't tell my friends that hey, I am having this challenge today, please ask me out or something. That would be planning. :D Õõõh. My life is not interesting as well so there aren't many things happening.
At the moment when I am writing this post, it is Sunday evening and I am going to the cinema soon. I want to go, but at the same time I am thinking of I want to stay hoooome. Like, I don't know. :D And it is also true that when I am making plans, I am excited, but I don't want to go through with them. Annoying as fuck.
For tomorrow I have a plan, for Tuesday as well (I am getting rid of my braces!), for Wednesday as well, for Thursday and Friday and Saturday as well... It is actually tiring. :D I think that I need to cancel something, because I feel like I need my own time as well. :D But I am always afraid that if I say I can't go somewhere, the person or people don't ask me to come the next time. Because they think I will cancel again. Psychologist keeps telling me that it is fine, but I think it is still a problem, because I want to cancel things EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I just suffer, to make other happy. And I understand I need to force myself sometimes, because otherways I couldn't get anything done. But likeeeeeee. Do I need to move into the mountains, take a sheep and two chickens and then hike all day? It actually does sound like a dream. :D
This is why I kind of liked corona time and lockdown, because I didn't have any responsibilities. I could just say "I don't dare at the moment" and everyone accepted it, haha. But I know this kind of thing sucks. I just, yeah, feel really depressed recently. Even though I know all the things that are coming up are actually nice. In theory. Often it is also the opposite - I don't want to do something, then I still follow up on it and instead of having fun I just suffer. I would like to be someone who likes hanging out with others, walk around and do things, I want not to stress over everything. I can't wait to see my psychologist, because I have a feeling I need to talk about this with her. Like what do I need to do?
I feel like crying writing this. Like honestly. I feel so uncomfortable and disgusting and heavy, I just want to go to bed and not think about anything. Maybe it is depression that is telling this. My dad also surprised me yet again: you have a depression because you don't get enough vitamin D. Not like I take it every day. And spend so much time in the sun. Or eat foods with vitamin D, right...
Anyway yes, I don't know. I am trying and trying to write my thoughts down here, but it is not too successful. Only things that offer me something are going to the gym, walking around and eating, but like, I can't keep living like this. :D Even though I would do only these things. And sometimes blog.
I kind of think I would like to do some free work for smeone. Share something in my blog. Try out some products. Write music reviews. But at the same time I can see these posts are not doing that well. Food related posts are doing the best. :D But if I write about music, I get so few clicks and I would like to share more what you would like to see.
I should take on another long challenge like I did with the tea. For example cheeses. I could write about 100 different cheese. Or... sodas, energy drinks. Or something like that. Porridge. Are there 100 different types of porridge? Maybe I should try it. :D At the moment I have three different porridges at home, so if you would like to read about porridge, let me know. Even though it would really take a long time, because it takes a while to get through a bag. Even if I have it every morning. Or maybe I could write about cereal? My latest obsession...
I would like to be a cat. Motu is sleeping here next to me and he doesn't have any worries. Good dry food, he is getting canned food two times a day, he has water and sometimes gets cat milk as well... he is happy to play with tapestry, if he wants to work out, he just runs around a little, climbs on the wall, he has a soft cat bed, there are a lot of blankets everywhere... amazing, isn't it? Why can't I be a cat?
Or a dog! I am afraid of dogs, but just think how nice they have it. They can go for walks for hours, people take pictures of them, passer bys say that they look super cute and there is no laziness or such. Anyway, I will talk about this to my doctor when I next see her.
Went to see Cruella at the cinem, it was quite good. I haven't been to the cinema in over two years. It was nice for a change. Now I am going to the cinema again. I will see if I add anything here later or not. Or tomorrow morning. It depends on how tired I am, because I would like to sleep now already...
And like, I don't know. I don't want to tell how I felt at the cinema yesterdy. Because it sucked. Movie was good, but I suck. I just cannot. I want to vanish, because then I wouldn't have to cancel plans or just be. At the moment I feel like I want to throw my router out from the window, break my phone and just be alone until the end of my vacation.
