I have taken my sweet time with writing this post, but finally today, when my mood is awful due to doctor visit and I feel like a failure of a patient, I am writing this. :D (Actually this is translation from my Estonian blog, I had my doctor's appointment on Thursday.)
At the hospital we had a chance to take part in art therapy classes, where we could make whatever we wanted (though sometimes there were topics or we did something together). I took pictures of all my work (not good quality, I am sorry) and decided to write about them a little.
The first one is called Wish and it shows how I want to get well. Because the things that I have... depression, eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, suicidal thoughts - is sickness. And I don't wish this upon anyone. I like how this picture came out. I used gel pen and watercolours and my own fingers. :D
This was the one where we had a topic - your life's mandala. Moods, present and past. I don't know if it is understandable, but for me everything started on the left side - pretty, colourful. Then came the breaking point, but now I hope to become better, to grow and maybe even bloom. But this is a goal that is still very far away.
I had super detailed colouring book and this made me want to make something detailed as well. This is not finished, obviously, but I kind of like it.
I used different materials to make some flowers. I think it looks a bit like a handmade card.
I really loved that we could use all different kinds of materials, magazines, glues, washi tapes, stickers, watercolours and so on.
This should be my sad version of Gustav Klimt's Tree of Life. I guess it is something. :D It was, however, made within like 5 minutes or so.
Falling stars. I don't remember making this picture, but I think it was towards the end of the class and I still had some colours left, so I made this sketch. But hey, somethimes sketches are the most important. While making those you don't have to think about anything and if you end up with something, something that has an idea, it is maybe cool. If I had to have my own campaign for some reason, then my slogan would be MORE SKETCHES!
Well now then with this picture there is a funny story. I have NO IDEA why and when and where I made this. I was actually concerned that the therapist gave me someone else's work, until I noticed my own name. Nice job, ECT! There are still days where I find out that I have forgotten something. For example I didn't remember that I had shown Silja all of these pictures when we came home from the hospital.
This was made right before I made the Klimt's copy and probably does not need to be introduced. I just figured I'd try. Somewhy I was thinking about Doctor Who and Vincent is still, I think, the best episode and often makes me tear up.
Something simple, yet clear. I really loved watercolours. I don't really remember making this as well. Kind of seems amiliar, but I don't know if I actually remember it or I think that I remember it. Weird to explain.
Patterns. Patterns patterns patterns. I just wanted to make so many pieces with patterns. I didn't even have a point. Actually these kind of pictures are kind of nice because you don't think of anything, you just let your hands do what they want and your mind can be empty.
A year. I wanted to make something else the way I made the first "Wish" picture. I think it came out rather cool.
Bubbles. Thought bubbles. Soap bubbles. I don't even know. Maybe this expresses how thanks to ECT I started to get my emotions back, but they could just pop any time at any small thing. Like soap bubble that floats, until it lands on someone, on the floor or against the wall.
Another mandala thingy. We didn't have any rulers or stuff, so this is just made with my own hand and gel pen.
While making this I thought how I am trying to break free, but can't seem to succeed. How I am drowned by my depression, how I am barely visible. Barely, but that is something. I am afraid that actually I am back at the place where I was, but I think I understand my illness and myself a little more. Does it make any sense? Maybe not, but for me, it does. The main thing is that I am still really. really bad. I even hate writing positive sentences here.
Dark thoughts. Because there are. They come and go and next to them there are also good and positive and beautiful and colourful thoughts and ideas and emotions, but at the same time... a few days ago I wondered what I would say in my farewell letter. At the same time I understood that this is not okay. This is dark thought. And I need to get over it. It needs to be re-painted. I need to program myself to overwrite it. This time I managed.
Faceless. Because this is how I feel every single time when someone asks how I am doing, how I am managing, how I am feeling, what is bothering me. Complete emptiness. Even my face has disappeared, because I have no answers. It is like static on TV, when you pick a non-existen channel.
For some reason this means a lot to me. Life circles. I made it during my individual art therapy, which my doctor had me do after hearing that I like art. In this, there are all my years from my birth up to now. I drew what and when happened. It would be difficult to write it all down here, but while crying, I told it all to the therapist. I don't think any other piece I made helped me as much as this one.
Bottled emotions. Because I feel like most of my emotions are bottled up inside me. I can't access them, not to mention share them with others. I know that there is happiness and sadness in me, there is excitement in me. There is love and there are tears. There is euphoria, there is melancholy. But I don't feel them. They just are. Like in a bottle, separated from the world. You can see them, but not touch them.
This was the very first thing in my first art therapy class. I also had a nightmare of this piece; it was ready in my dream, but kept getting smaller and smaller and emptier. It was disturbing and I have no idea what it meant. I think I would call it... Path.
Again I wanted to make something detailed, at the same time thinking of someone. Is it abnormal of me? I feel that it is, but I don't feel bad relating this to a person. Confused.
This is another very very important picture. Me. What is happening in my head. What is happening in me, what I am. When am I in charge and when not? At least I know now what I am fighting against.
Helping hands. Because everyone are helping me. Everyone around me are understanding and good and I have no idea why I am taken such good care of. Did I save the world in my past life?
Helping hands in a sense that they keep me together from falling into pieces.
During this one I thought about guided meditation, which I also would like to write about at some point. Anyway, after regular breathing exercises we had this short "imagination hike" where in one we took a hot air balloon out for a ride and in another one we went swimming in the sea. This was my interpretation.
What now. What comes next? What is important, what do I want, what I like, what I love, what I aim for, what happens now?
Congrats if you made it to the end!
