I Won't Quote

I thought about a lot of challenges to do... what would be an interesting read, what would be an actual challenge that I can stick to for 5 days. I had some ideas so I combined them all together.

At first I wanted to talk about moving and working out. Then I wanted to tell you about studying and reading. Then I wanted to mention listening to a radio or a podcast. I also wanted to do something in the kitchen. 

And then I thought about being a little productive every single day. Lately things have not been going too well and most of my time I just do nothing. To make the most of my time, I needed to make a change and DO something every single day.

I think I will try to and write down at least three things that I have done and would have usually skipped.

Sunday

Half of my fay I was kind of confused, because I couldn't figure out what I needed to do then. To be productive. In the end I came to some sort of realisation and started to put it into practice. All in all:

- I studied for 30-45 minutes

- I loved myself: went for a long walk and worked out for 15 minutes

- I cleaned and did some laundry. I still have some organizing to do at home, I need to take old furniture into the basement for example, because I have no idea about what to do with them pieces...

- I prepared some dinner that I haven't made before

- I read a book

I couldn't come up with more things at the moment, but I want to put emphasis on studying, which I haven't done in a while, and moving myself, which is also kind og meh. In the evening when I went to sleep, I felt really accomplished and it was nice.

Monday

I had so much motivation when I woke up in the morning. But at work I didn't feel like doing anything, but I looked through some stuff and planned things in advance. Though I could have done more - as always. But this weekend just went by so fast and I feel like I didn't get any rest at all. I will try and mark down as many things as I did yesterday. And do similar stuff.

Monday productivity list was as follows:

- I listend to an audiobook

- Translated a blog post into English finally

- Took an extra task at work

- Started a new law book I want to go through

- Did some exercises at home

- Made proper dinner (Japanese curry)

- Walked quite a bit after work while listening to an audiobook

Tuesday

Today morning I also felt motivated, but I almost missed my bus and couldn't listen to my audiobook in the morning. So I feel like I wasted this time I could have invested into it.

Otherways at work it has been a nice day, I have had several meetings already and I have been talking about things at work a lot. Also I have done quite a bit of work today. But yeah, I needed to get it done anyway. Also even during the moments I am taking a rest, my brain is still working on my cases, so I have some things almost solved, though I haven't written them out yet. It is good to be prepared though.

I would really love to go for a run today, but it is raining outside so it is not that inviting. I guess I will walk back home and listen to some music or my audiobook and do some exercises indoors. I found a workout video yesterday what I would like to try at home. I should clean at home also, especially because mum is coming over on the weekend, but I hope I will have some time to do it tomorrow or something. I sould go and check out my basement thingy. :D

- Participated two meetings

- Did this home workout

- Studied a little

- Listened to an audiobook

Wednesday

I feel like my productivity has gone down, I haven't done as much stuff as I would have liked. But I have made genuine effort and done things. So I guess at least I am more productive than I was last week.

- Had a meeting

- Studied for about half an hour

- Ran 3,5 km, which is the longest run I have done this year and I could have kept going, but it was quite late already and I didn't want to overtrain as we are going hiking tomorrow

- Cleaned at home, because my cat is shedding a loooot, I vacuumed everything at took the trash and empty bottles out.

Thursday

Today I won't be doing much, because we have a bog hike planned. I got up super early, but no wonder, as I went to bed quite early as well. I had to get up at 9 but opened my eyes at 7 already.

A few weeks ago I had this really stressful and depressed time and I am back there right now, I feel so disgusting and awful. Today is a bit better though. I guess it plays a role that my weight has gone up quite a bit yet again and this upset me.

Every cell in my body was against having breakfast today, because I know today brings a lot of snacking and drinking. But I made proper porridge for myself. Then there were these discussions about should I also add a banana, do I add regular amount of oats, do I add less strawberries, but I just override these thoughts and made my normal porridge. I feel better and not a guilty today, but I guess these feelings will eventually come, as I am sure I am going to overeat. I try to think that this is normal and I still need to gain some weight, but it is not helping. Everything is okay. I just need to repeat this to myself often enough.

At least I get to share these things with a friend and she understands me, this makes everything better. I have no idea if today will be any productive at all, but at least I can write down that I do something with other people, I am moving my body and I am participating in things. Will jot them down tomorrow.

All in all I do feel like I have been more productive. At first I don't want to do anything, but once I get going, it gets easier. And I can complete what I need to do.

One of the biggest changes is definitely that I am not on my phone as much anymore, I have been actually living. And I have been doing things I kind of skipped on for a while.

…

And there is not list today, because I was not productive at all. Well, I could add that I did something different at least - went to a bog. And swam in a pond! It was nice. There was a lot of eating and I calculated... well, I don't even want to write it out. Today I feel quite disgusting, but I am sure I will get over it. It happens. I have gotten over it other times, why should today be different.

My head is actually full of thoughts and there are so many ideas I want to do and write. Which is good. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what to blog about anymore, but I have a plan for next 2 posts already. I haven't written anything down yet, but I have good ideas. So should be interesting. Even though I don't know, things may change with the challenges.

I want to get over my food addiction, because I am quite sure I have it. All the time when I am awake I need to eat something. :D It is difficult like this. Sitting at home and eating. Or going out with people and eating. Everything is about food and eating.

It is also difficult to see people who are thinner than I am, like yesterday I needed to tell myself all the time that different bodies, different paths, different prople and everything is different. I guess it did help.

I really didn't want to talk about eating in this post, but I kind of got stuck here, sorry. :D Also I am sorry for being behind with translating my posts. :D 

I will try and continue with this productivity thing, I want to start making lists and completing them. It feels so good when you actually finish stuff. And it becomes easier and easier the more you do it. But at the same time you can't forget REST and doing nothing, because they are equally as important. So I took it very easy over the weekend.

In October I decided to challenge myself with doing something I don't want to or feel like doing every single day. Because enough of the apologies! It was time to deal with my life and do what needs to be done. Besides I hoped, and am still hoping, that this habit will stuck and I will complete stuff I need to do. A lot of the times it is about starting the task. I just don't feel like starting doing something, if it makes sense. :D When you start, though, the task becomes a lot easier.

A lot of the things were connected to buying a flat and I won't go too much into detail about it. Because like, privacy and all that. But anyway, on half of the days I had to call and talk to either my bank or the sales agent etc. I wrote stuff down more precisely for myself, and it was really nice to read things over and see how much I have done. :D At the same time some other things were super small and I don't even know if they are worth mentioning. But I just didn't feeeel like doing them at first. Let's go though my month now...

1. October - contacted the bank regarding yhe loan. I did it at the bus stop while I went to see the fourth flat. :D The one I decided to get was the fifth one I saw.
2. October - called to a sales agent regarding one place and agreed to go and see it on Sunday. It is actually the fifth flat alreadt - one I really liked was bought before I made an offer, but I guess it needed to go like this. I am still keeping my eye on one more, but the kitchen is really small there, so I don't know... but anyway, regarding the one I am going to see, I have high hopes. :D It doesn't have a bath (that was in my list), but I really like the flat and could probably deal with not having a bath.
3. October - I cleaned at home, which was really boring. But I had been putting it off for a while. Because I was just too lazy. :D Anywya, this is really elementary, but I still wanted to write something down for today.
4. October - went to see the flat. And honestly, I think I found the one. I fell in love and keep thinking about it. (Hint: yes, this will be my flat!!!)
5. October - wrote to the sales agent and contacted with the bank. It sounds so unreal! Some last minute things to do and maybe I will have my own home soon!
6. October - went to the dentist. The wire in my braces came off and I couldn't put it back myself. I thought that it would be okay and I can wait until my appointment, but it also broke off so I needed to go and see the dentist after all.
7. October - wrote to the sales agent and said YES!
8. October - still dealt with the flat stuff and was incredibly stressed over it.
9. October - still some talks with the sales agent.
10. October - dealt with the flat stuff. Do you have any idea how much time and effort this takes?!
11. October - STILL dealt with flat stuff.
12. October - paid for another month of gym membership. At one point I thought that maybe I shouldn't because I didn't have any motivation to attend yoga classes, but I know I feel so good after it, so I did it.
13. October - paid the bills. :D I am always one who doesn't want to do it at the start of the month, often it happens mid-month or sometimes even at the end.
14. October - finally finished some annoying work stuff. I had been postponing doing it for like half a year, but now it is finally done. It is really difficult to motivate myself even if the things actually take so little time and effort.
15. October - talked to the bank, agreen on signing the contract and got notary time set. Sent all of this info to sales agent. I cannot believe that I will soon have a home!
16. October - went to yoga class in the morning even though I didn't feel like it. But after it I felt amazing. Also my sister had a friend over and they wanted some cake, so I went to the store to buy them some. :D I like going for walks and I really didn't have anything better to do anyway. :D
17. October - went to a friend's place who saved me and gave me a new bread starter. Mine got mouldy. :( Anyway yes, I was thinking that I don't want to go, because it was awful and rainy, but I still went. And then on the evening me and my sister went to see another flat for her.
18. October - dealt with my health and wrote to my doctor, also saw my psychologist.
19. October - walked to the sales agent about moving and finished two really annoying things at work. It feels so good!
20. October - talked to the sales agent some more and finished another thing at work.
21. October - dealt with flat stuff.
22. October - tried to finish some things at work and was successful.
23. October - my parents came to Tallinn and we went to see several flats for my sister. Unfortunately we didn't find anything we truly liked.
24. October - went to see my flat with my sister and talked to the owner about furniture, then I went to buy some stuff from the stores (also stocked up on coffee and stuff like this).
25. October - finished with the flat stuff.
26. October - didn't feel like going to the gym, especially because we had a late meeting at work, but did it anyway and felt really good after it.
27. October - maybe a random thing, but I cleaned and did some decluttering + finally made some pumpkin-mushroom stew that I had been wanting to make for a while.
28. October - again thought I didn't want to go to the yoga class, but did it anyway. :D It was my favourite class with my fav trainer, so all in all it was a really good day.
29. October - went to see another two flats with my sister and her friend. I really didn't feel like tagging along, but I had promised. Actually seeing all the flats is kind of fun. We also found one we liked. Anyway yeah, some food for thought.
30. October - went to morning yoga class, even though I was exxxtra tired. But again, it was nice. A bit difficult as well, because of the new plan.

Did all of these things (actually one of the days is missing but I am not able to find which one argh). Anyway, going over this list really made me feel good. :D At the same time I keep thinking that do normal people just do stuff like this all the time and don't complain?! :D

Anyway yes, it was a nice thing to write all these things down. I can see how productive I have been now and it kind of does make me want to keep up with this. :D I think that in the future I won't write stuff down like this anymore, but I think I am more inclined to do stuff I don't like. For example I take a task and complete it, instead of postponig it for days. So that is progress. And this is where I wanted to get to.

I also thought I would go over the small goals I set for myself on Friday and see how I have been doing.

Firstly it was having bigger snacks, which was a roaring success. :D I have bought myself several tub of yoghurt and I think that I will soon not crave for them anymore. I still do now though. Anyway, in general life is a lto easier. I have finally given myself a permission to eat and this takes off the worry. Like, I am letting myself to have whatever I want however much I want and this takes away the stress aspect somehow. Just giving myself this permission was the difficult part.

The second small thing was to add chai spice to my morning porridge. And it was actually a very difficult day, because I had gained a lot, but I made some rice porridge (with strawberries and banana) and it was such a good combo with chai spice. :D Exactly as good as I imagined. Here again the decision making was the tough part. But on the last night I thought that I am GOING to do it and then I did. So done! :D

And lastly I wanted to be more flexible with my meal times and this was also a success. For example on one day I had a snack at 4 instead of three, and also had dinner and lunch later as well. And I didn't stress about it at all. I just went with it and thought that okay, I am not hungry yet, I will have food a bit later. It was really nice not to stick to certain times.

I wanted to tell everyone who stuggle with disordered eating and have found their way here... that it is difficult. I have really hard time. Sometimes silly things make me cry. I share successes here, like last week, having Snickers and all that and that I enjoyed it. But still, it is really difficult. I am not doing recovery perfectly. Still every day is a struggle and I have so many thoughts and feelings.

But I want to challenge You. One day. Just take one day and have whatever you want. Don't think about your next meal. You want a piece of chocolate after your breakfast? Have it. Think that "tomorrow I will start again with my rules", but give yourself today off. And then tomorrow you can see how you are feeling. I promise you, nothing bad will happen. And tomorrow, the tomorrow when you think about following your rules, it is not as difficult not to. And you can break those rules again. And again, you can think that well, day after tomorrow I am starting again. Just trick yourself.

And if you are unable to do it one day, then start again. Every day, every morning, every hour and every minute is a new beginning. I promise.

I have discovered that when I am not hungry, I can focus so much better. Like focus on talking to people. I went to a looooong walk with a new friend yesterday and honestly, I didn't even think about any of my meals, or what I was planning to have for dinner. I just listened, answered, talked, looked around and lived. And this is much more important than 10 kilos, 20 kilos, or I don't know, 30 kilos. Because what is this weight telling you? Well, in general only how hard gravity is pulling you towards the ground...

Okay, this post is ending on a weird note, but I don't know. I am feeling motivated.

PS! I will continue with my Very Scary Snacks Challenge.

Okei, selle postituse lõpp läks küll lappesse, aga ma ei tea. Olen hetkel motiveeritud või miskit.