Because who isn't stressed at the moment, am I right... Stressed due to the corona thing, vaccination thing or waiting for it, being in a lockdown, working from home and so on. This list is endless. Last time I saw my psychologist she also said that mental struggles are very high at the minute and it is not only me who feels like this. So this is normal.
Last spring I wrote about things to do when you are stuck at home, but I thought maybe another list would be useful. Just to remind them. As I have with my ED - I need to talk it out sometimes. And then listening to what you yourself are saying helps to put things into perspective. And sometimes talking to someone else also helps.
How did my weekend go? Well, my best friend came over and we had some food and drinks and watched a movie. And it was amazing. During the wole evening I didn't even think about food, talking was more important, also watching the movie. and yeah, we were talking about old times and watched some kpop videos... oh gosh I remember these times. :D We were HUGE fans. Like, really huge. God, I even went to London to attend a kpop concert and saw BEAST, 4minute and Gina. :D I have done many things in this life. Weird to think back. We watched some kpop videos and picked our favourite members and tried to guess each other's. It was fun. Oh yeah, I was talking about eating.
We had sweet potato fries, then veggies with dip... I also made brownies and we enjoyed it with mint-chocolate ice cream and strawberries. And I had some wine and my best friend had mojitos. And... yes, I ate more than I would have on a normal day. I had proper breakfast and dinner as well. And then the next morning came and I was ready to face the guilt. But like... they didn't come. Nada. A huge ass zero. Okay, I don't want to jinx it. I made some waffles as a brunch and we had them with nutella and fruit and berries. I looked forward to my guilt. And they still didn't came. Now my friend has gone home and I went to the store, had my third cup of coffee and THE GUILT IS STILL NOT HERE. I haven't done my exercise routine yet and I don't think I will do it today, because I am super tired. We turned the clocks and missed an hour.
And I am not bothered.
I also walked way less today, maybe only have about 2000 steps and I just don't care. I don't even want to think about food or talk about it. I got some apple juice from the store. Because I just felt like it. I didn't even check the calories, because I didn't care. And this feeling is SO FUCKING FREEING. I kept repeating this to my best friend. I kept going like heyyyy something is wrong, where is my guilt?! Where?! Did they perhaps went into the wrong flat? My neighbour is drilling, maybe they are there? I don't know, this is a complete mystery to me.
(Okay, adding this on Monday morning I have to admit I have gotten some guilt. :S So things are not as well as I thought they are, but my weekend was still good. At the moment my weight has gone up a lot again and I have a thought that tells me my shirt is a bit too tight and I should restrict a bit. One candy less or how about we don't have these cookies today?)
And a few days ago I had a complete mental breakdown over three cookies. What is happening? Why are they not coming when I expect them? Why do they come up to me without a reason? Like, go back where you came from, that would be amazing.
I don't know, I don't think I am healed yet. I looked myself in the mirror and thought that hell, my thighs have gone so fat. And then I went and donated my pants, because they were too tight. I don't care. What is the point of holding on to them. I can enjoy new clothes, that's nice! A reason to shop. Even though at the moment you can't really do that. But luckily I have some extra pants I have bought to grow into, so I am not really bothered by it. Today feels EASY. I have this weird calm feeling in me. It was nice to rest, do nothing, just lay on the couch, pet the cat, watch some YouTube, talk a bit and just chill. It really helped with my stress levels and I know I can face the next week now. I don't want to jinx it, but I have felt like... a normal human?! this is absurd, but ohmygooood it shows that things DO get better. And they will. Once you let go of the control.
I have taken a massive leap, I could cry. Tears of joy. I am so tired of dealing with the ED subjects. Yes, I like food, cooking, recipes, new products and so on, but it is not an obsession any more. I don't open a store homepage every morning to check what new things they have in stock. :D I am not thinking about my next meal constantly. :D I do not care what others have eaten. Okay, sometimes I still feel awful when someone mentions in the evening that "oh, I haven't eaten anything today", because I feel like I shouldn't have eaten as well then, but it doesn't linger. PEOPLE, WE CAN DO THIS. It is possible to get well. I am that example!! I am finally #goals. I repeat myself, I am not 100% well yet. I still haven't reached the normal weight and yeah, maybe it seems super easy and I feel so motivated, but I STILL have hard time someteimes. But I kind of want to show you that it is possible. Like, a year or even half ago I was in the rock bottom. Now things are so much more normal. I am almost normal!
But what to do when stress is too much? What do I do when I need to distract myself from food guilt or just other stuff? I will make a list, maybe there are some good ideas...
If I had written this post last week, it would have been super depressing, because I had so many emotions and I just felt like I wanted the world to end. It just felt disgusting. Life itself. It felt awful both physically and mentally. But now I am feeling a lot better as you can understand probably.
1. I read. At the moment I am reading three books in Estonian, and I am reasing them all at once. I like to change it up a bit. Also, I am liiking forward to book recommendations. I do have a Goodreads account as well, you can add me as a friend there!
2. I study. I have tried doing something every single day, but I have skipped a few. But whenever I walk to the store or something, I repeat stuff I have read in my head. To make it stick better. At the moment I am doing the basic courses in law, and I think things will get more exciting later. But I need to start somewhere.
3. I watch YouTube. Maybe I should write down some of my favourite channels? I have been thinking making a whole separate post about them though, I have it in my drafts somewhere.
4. I study a language. If you know English (haha, if you are reading this, you probably do), I highly recommend Duolingo. I picked Japanese at the moment, because I feel like I want to get back into it. First lessons are way too easy for me, but it is good, because I feel like I progress so much :D I haven't been studying for long, because I am focusing more on university stuff.
5. I talk to people. For example usually on Saturday or Sunday I walk around for a bit and call my mum. It has become a little tradition for us. She even said she keeps her phone near her on those days. And then I have also CALLED my friends. Also to my foreign frends, because my English is so rusty and I need to practice. :D
6. I go for walks. The weather is so nice recently and I don't want to sit at home all day. I should find my earphones and listen to music or something. I do not listen to any podcasts at the moment, I am just over them somehow. I used to listen to a lot of ED podcasts, but I don't care as much about it any longer, so I lost my interest in them. I just don't care. There are so many other things to spend my time on.
7. I look at pretty pictures. In pinterest or Tumblr. Yep, I am not ecen shamed. I am making moodboards on Pinterest and I look at the pictures about home decor and travelling etc. And then I am thinking that one day it is like this etc. And tumblr also has some nice pictures. I mostly follow travelling and food tags.
8. I write a blog.This is sometimes really nice and calming thing to do, especially when your mind is going crazy and you just want to rant. I don't think it is right for everyone, but it is nice to write things down. You can also do it in a personal jpurnal. I also scrapbook, which I find really relaxing. I stick a lot of photos into it.
9. I cook. Lately I have been trying out new recipes and I have some things I need to use up. Also, I have baked those vegan brownies I mentioned earlier, once I made pizza, which I hadn't done for a while and now I am thinking that my friend got me those mini cake moulds, maybe I should make a personal cake for myself. :D
10. I watch movies. Yep, me! Like I saw the Fat Front a few days ago and with my best friend we watched two other movies from Netflix - Work It and Feel The Beat. Both of them were nice. I thought about writing about them a bit more, but I can't be bothered. Trailers are pretty accurate.
11. I visit my sister. I am super glad she lives so close to me! She doesn't really go out, because she is a teacher and gives classes from home. But yeah, I need some human connection and even if I just go over to have a cup of tea, it is soooo nice. Honestly, if I can't talk to people I feel like I am going mad. So much about me being an introvert...
12. I read additional information at work. I have a very specific work are and I have been discovering it a lot more lately. It is quite interesting.
13. I work out at home. I usually do them for about 20-25 minutes only, but I think it is enough for me. I like moving a little and this gives me so much nice energy. Ideally I would like to start running soon, but it is a bit too cold yet. And I need to get my shit together for this, hehe :D. Maybe I will try tomorrow if it is not raining and it feels nice outside?
I think this is it for now. A lot of reading and studying, but this is something I didn't really talk about last spring. So I brought them out here. To fill the time, there are a lot of other options as well still, like I used to write a story, filled my bullet journal, did some online shopping... I also clean at home a lot and it feels super nice. :D There are many things to do.
But yeah, I just wanted to talk my feelings out and explain what and how I have been doing. Now finishing this post on Monday morning I am not that positive or motivating any more, but well... it is understandable. It is Monday and all that. At least I am back at the office, because I just can't get anything done at home. Crazy. At home I kept thinking "I want to go home" xD. Wasn't the nicest. Also at work you can actually dress up properly and feel like a human, at home I just sat around in my PJs. Yes, I could have gotten ready at home as well, but who can be bothered.
But if you have any more ideas on what to do during this time, please let me know. I think that a burnout in the current situation is really relevant topic and I just wanted to shed some light on it. Like when I look at my sister and she is super stressed 24/7, I feel bad. She works all week, because in addition to her normal classes she has several big projects with Education Department of Estonia etc. It is cool, but it is also very tiring and time consuming. And other people don't have it easier either. Hospitals are overcrowded and everyone are working on somehow handling the situation and every day life.
If you want to vent, feel free to share it. I would love to share stories and tricks of others as well.
