So I went to Tartu in the end, on Friday. I thought that I will use this thing where I plan coming back earlier on a Saturday, as my psychologist suggested... well, I made it home at 5 on Sunday. So I stayed for two nights.
Because I felt so normal. This small trip showed me that normal life is possible. Honestly, it was weird. I am not used to this feeling. Especially because last couple of weeks have been really depressive for me and I already told to my psychologist that I want to start taking higher dose of my meds, because I just cannot handle life. I don't know, maybe thanks to having bad time previously, these few days felt so good? My mum said I need to try and hold on to this, especially now on the next day as work is starting again etc. I will try and do my best.
On Friday I took the bus at 9am and went to Tartu. As I got there, I took a cup of coffee in a cafe and then went to some stores plus I walked along the river. Then I went to my relative's workplace and waited until her shift ended. Then we went to her place. Zero pressure. Zero guilt. Zero worries.
Later we went to town to eat something. Went to a place called Uulits and picked burgers and fries. I also had a glass of wine. No problem. Burger was really good and it was so nice to eat it now, without braces. It was so nice, and so much fun. I also finally tried this Beyond Meat burger patty and it was really next level from regular vegan burgers. Even though I like those as well, but to get this real burger experience was exciting. :D It was difficult to pick a place for dinner, but my relative was really nice and we literally went to EVERY place in old town before I made a decision, haha. :D So I still have difficult time with deciding on things. :D
Then we just chilled, had some drinks (we were in a place called Vein ja vine, which was awesome), talked to some people and so on. Cheese board in a cafe? Done. Wrap in the middle of the night from a petrol station? Done. We went home and got to sleep at like 3 am. And in the morning we got up around 9:30.
Honestly, I opened my eyes and thought that I will not get up. Hangover was there. But I just rested a little more and it passed. We chatted for a while and tried to come up with a place to go and have breakfast at.
We went to Kolm Tilli, I got scrambled eggs with spinach, avocado mash, sourdough bread and a lot of fried mushrooms. And cafe latte. And I enjoyed every bite. But what was the most important - I didn't think of food all the time. We chatted, met up with another person and we just enjoyed life. I had some ice cream as well. Best vegan ice cream I have ever had. With coconut and salted caramel. Amazing. And despite everything I felt so GOOD.
Then we went back home for a moment and later walked to the river, tested out the water and just strolled. We also visited my other relatives who have yound children. I had a coffee. Had some homemade ice cream. Thought that I should plan going back to Tallinn and then suddenly I come out with: hey, I am going to stay another night. :D If I had gone back in the evening, I would have made it home at like 2 am or something, so it seemed more reasonable to go home the next day instead. I planned to go at around 10 in the morning, but that plan failed.
In the evening we went to eat out again (best Chinese EVER, I had crispy vegetables in chilli-honey sauce, like sweet spicy chicken, but veggie version and it was SO GOOD. My last Chinese experience was frozen veggies in soy sauce at Chopsticks, after that I have avoided Chinese places :D), then we went home, made some tea and sat on the rooftop, snacking on some radishes.
We just talked for a long time and I had this Reality Check game with me, we went through the cards and tried to devide them between us. :D It was kind of funny. We told each other stories contacted to the cards, like if there was "the most suspicious person", then one of us told a story about when we felt we were weird etc. :D We also showed each other pictures and videos we had in our phones and time just passed super fast. Suddenly it was almost 1 am and we finally decided to get some sleep. It had gotten a bit cooler outside as well, so we were enjoying it a lot. We had all the windows open and it was soooo nice. :D
The next morning we woke up around the same time and made some pancakes. While I was still laying down, I felt it - really bad anxiety. Like, it was wild. I was tense all over, my heart beat super fast and my mouth was dry. I couldn't think clearly, my thoughts were all over the place and I felt nauseous. Not the hangover feeling, it was just really really bad panic. I really thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. And I didn't know what to do. But at the same time it was good that I wasn't at home alone, because then I would have lost myself inside my head and breaking free would have been much more difficult.
But then I remembered that I forgot to take my medication yesterday and as soon as I took it, in an hour I was completely fine. We had pancakes, both savoury and sweet. I have been wanting pancakes for suuuuucch a long time, so this was perfect. :D I also got to drink NATO emergency food back coffee, it was weird. Looked like a tea bag. :D But it was fine. We talked to my relative's mum and talked to her. We just chilled. Talked a lot about our trips, life and so on. We caught up on all the things we had missed out while we didn't talk for years. We remembered all the old times. And then finally at around 2 pm I took the bus home.
My psychologist told me that when I feel negative, there is an uncomfortable situation or I start to regret my decision, I should think about something good, focus on something else, do the exercise that helps me to stay in present.
But like... I didn't need that. I think there was something that came over me, something called FEELING GOOD. I felt so light, as if I was reborn and I was just like ?????? at myself all the time, because I really felt something other than negative emotions. I was at peace.
I talked to my mum a lot about it when I got home and she just said that normal people feel like this. Is this possible?! Is it really possible not to worry, not to want to kill yourself, not to thing dark thoughts, not to regret things you have done, not to want to CRY ALL THE TIME? Could I really be normal?
