Weekends are especially difficult for me. I think that it is probable that if my sister was not at home, I would skip lunches at all (I think that when we are moving to live separately, I need to start sending her pictures of my meals again), because I feel like I haven't "deserved" them. Because usually I do nothing, I just sit in front of my computer etc. At work I at least do something and this makes me worth the food. I don't know, it is weird to explain this logic.
This weekend - or starting on Friday already - was really difficult. We had had a plan to get pizza from this one pizza place and drink some wine, but when the time came, it was extra sressful for me. Firstly I thought that I would have a small pizza, but I took the big one instead in the end. And it was bigger than my sister's. I picked vegan Thai pizza, which was awesome. At first I was a bit bothered by the vegan cheese (next time I think I would ask them to use normal cheese, as I have done before), but I got used to the taste quite fast. Even pineapple on pizza was okay, as this was not your ham and cheese and pineapple pizza. It didn't bother me. I loved that it had a lot of sweet chilli sauce and sundried tomatoes. Love both of these.
And it was nice to have the pixxa, watch a movie and have a glass (or a few) of wine. But we needed to take it step further and we also had several fruits, like a bowl of grapes and apples. And this bothered me the most. Also the grapes weren't as sweet as usual and I again felt like this was wasted calories. Also, I was full and I could have not had the snacks. :S
On the next day, my sister had a friend over as they needed to do some studying for driving school. And for this, they did what they always do - ordered sushi for both lunch and dinner. At first I thought that I won't join them, but in the end I decided to do it. I thought this was a good challenge... but also with my sister having a friend over it seemed that she didn't have any additional snacks, while I did. I had some extra cereal and literally two kilos of melon...
At the same time I keep thinking that we will start living separately soon and we won't eat the same things anyway. Also, why the heck am I even comparing these things?! Especially with my sister? Why? I don't think any normal person follows what someone else is eating. So I wouldn't accidentally have more. I don't know, I maybe feel greedy if I do eat more. I used to listen to people with EDs talking how they never ate when someone else saw them and I didn't understand this. Now I am one of those people myself. :D
Anyway, I had sushi with them during lunch and also during the evening and I was really happy I had accepted this challenge. I don't want to be the bore who always says no to takeaway and makes others feel uncomfy. I want to be a part of something. And I want to think of getting takeaway as a normal thing to do. This is the first step on the road to it.
So I thought that okay, Sunday will be normal and will balance these two days out. Usually this getting back to my own rhyhm helps with the guilt, but not today. Firstly because I have moved so little. I went to my friend's place and I played with her kid and all, but I still took a bus there and back. Yeah, I have cut down on my moving around, but I don't remember the last day I moved so little. And this kind of makes me feel extra guilty...
So I thought that I would really like to miss lunch. However, I didn't. I came back home before lunchtime and ate with my sister. And then I had some more cereal.
I have realised something. I used to always crave cereal, but now that I have had it so many times, I don't feel like having it all the time anymore. I really didn't think it would ever happen. And of course it has helped that instead of weighing them out, I have just had as much as I want. And sometimes it is enough to suffice for another meal. Anyway yes, there has been some progress! Next I would like to do the same with muesli or granola, because I am scared of them still. It is heavier and weighs more, meaning there are a lot more claories.
Anyway yes, I can say that this weekend has been really challengig. At the moment I can't feel proud about myself yet, because I just have overwhelming guilt. But at one point I shall become proud.
I have been mentioning a lot that I am moving soon. I am a bit scared, I mean, this is a big change. But at the same time I feel really excited too. I feel like I am finally growing up. And I think I will be able to do more food related challenges, as at the moment I have to take her into consideration with dinners for example. Like, I never make soups, because my sister hates them. Soon I can have them as much as I want to. I also want to try meal preping (meaning for example on Sunday I make all of my work week lunches), this would be cool. Also I can move towards to becoming fully vegan. I think it would be more manageable on my own. I guess I won't become vegan 100% of the time, but I could do some more vegan challenges and who knows! So yeah, a lot of exciting things to come I hope. I just wish everything went smoothly now and I don't have to write a post about how everything failed. I am just really excited at the moment. If things are more certain, I can blog about it too.
In general, I asked for people to vote what kind of posts and challenges they want (in my Estonian blog). And considering the results, I should do more week long challenges, as most of the votes wanted this. I shall still post on Mondays and Fridays (at least on my Estonian blog, but I am not up to date with this one too, finally!), at least if I don't have anything to say or something comes up that makes me unable to post. Also, I got some really nice comments again, it was a delight to read them. That I can write about whatever I want whenever I want. It is good to know.
I am still really surprised at how many views this blog gets every day. I don't understand. I have never understood it and I don't think I will. :D
Anyway, I don't really want the weekend to end, even though it will bring me some relief from the weekend. And I can start organizing my life a bit more and there is hope for many things. But at the same time, who the heck wants Monday and work and so on? What did you do on the weekend? Or in general, what do you do on the weekends? I feel like my days are all the same and really boring. On Saturdays there are at least yoga classes in the morning, but I am too lazy to go to pilates on Sunday evening. At least joining the gym has given me something to look forward to, this is so nice. Not only work-home life anymore. But at the same time on some days I feel like I don't want to go to the gym... and I don't go then. I am not focing myself to go. I want to attend yoga classes when I feel like it. I don't want to make it top priority.
About my weight - I have gained some. And in general it is not bothering me. My thoughts are occupied with my future and I have been really busy, so I haven't really thought about it. I still feel guilty a lot of the time, but the feelings seem to be a bit weaker. And I don't feel guilty about the weight number, I feel guilty only for eating. But this is some progress. I am not hung up on the number as much anymore.
I think I should make some goals and challenges for the next week. Would be interesting and maybe a bit motivating...
As I am unable to come up with food related challenges at the moment, I am thinking about taking a picture every day. And then see at the end of the week, what I captured. Maybe it would be a good thing to see what I have been doing during the week and so on? And you will get an insight into my life.
I have started to share my struggles on Instagram more recently, and I am not sure if it is helpful or not. But at the same time it kind of makes things easier. To think "at least someone knows what I am doing". This is really weird, but it is like that. Maybe I will keep up with it.
Anyway, talk to you on Friday! (I will try to translate the posts on the same day I post now.)
