Monday

Weigt had gone down 200 grams, so now I am 43,1 kgs. This is not a huge problem, as last time my weight had gone up surprisingly much. Aslo I have been home since Friday afternoon and moved a bit more. I will try to change it by Thursday. I have a doctor's appointment on the ninth, and by then I want to be good.

This number, 43, is so weird. It feels so... much. And I guess it is, considering where I started. The most difficult part is to have the first number change. When 36 became 37, when 37 became 38 and so on. I just need to get used to it. And can't let it go down again, because then it is difficult to accept again.

It is good to be at home. But more difficult than I thought it would be. I have been at home only for a weekend, but I already have thoughts such as "but she doesn't have anything for a snack, but she doesn't do this or that, why do I have to?". Difficult. At the same time I am still feeling morivated and want to do well. As I mentioned previously, the doctor wants me to go back in January, even though I don't want to go. I will stand by mysself and if I do well, then maybe I don't have to. I have to hope. So many people believe in me.



It is so good to be at home and see my cat as well :D.

I got another tea advent calendar and things are... surprisingly good. For a few times I have been thinking that "I guess this is good mood", which is weird for me.

Eating is, as mentioned, difficult. But at the same time so cool. I tried spicy vegan wrap finally... and it was awesome. Before going to the hospital, I looked at it in the store, saw how many calories it has, and put it back. Today I ate it and it hasn't affected my mood much. My stomach aches a bit, but what else is new.



There is still a small challenge of liquid calories, so I have been having smoothies and yoghurt drinks.

Today I am finally going to this one bakery, to get this amazing seeded bread. I promise that there will be a post about "how to gain weight at home" with foods and other topics. Maybe I should write down my menu at home as I did in the hospital?

Tuesday



When I went to the bakery, I also saw the Christmas market.

And as I thought, the bakery had ran out of the bread I wanted. Damn. I thought I'd give up and get it from the store, because I am too lazy to go back and discover again that they don't have it. :D The price difference is minimal, I guess it would just be more fresh. But oh well.

I made a lot of curry last night, to have it today as well. I really wanted to only have veggies, but I was good and also made some rice. When I was craving for white rice before going to the hospital, then now I have been wanting brown, as I had it too much there.

My breakfast porridge was not good today and I again felt like wasting calories. At the same time I felt that maybe it helped that I repeated "food is food and you gotta eat". There are things in life that are more important. At least I try to think like that.

I had some panic at lunch. I went to the store to get food, but card terminals didn't work. Of course I didn't have cash more than an euro and I was thinking I need to settle for a yoghurt or something. But I spent so much time walking around in panic that when I finally go to the register, card terminals were working again and I got to buy some food. :D Now I know to always have some cash in hand.

Wednesday

I finally got my bread yesterday. So for breakfast I made some porridge with apple jam and bread with butter and fresh cucumber. It was so good. I feel like I could just have this whole loaf of bread by itself. (Haven't you heard - I love bread?)

What else is new is that I have so. many. emotions. Less negative ones than I did at the hospital, but mostly I am... confused. I don't really understand what I am feeling. Or at least I cannot put it into words.

There is a lot to do. People to meet and talk to and in general just go around. I have been just cut out of my life for two months. I would like to do even more, but I try to be calmer at the same time.

Thursday

My weight... fuck. Today morning it was 42,7, which means it has gone down by quite a bit. On Monday I will be seeing the doctor, too. I don't know how this is possible - all I have been doing is eating and I have stuck to all the snacks and stuff. I will keep trying and hope it will help.

I am feeling... I don't even know. I still have a lot of guilt about eating and I keep worrying ahead a lot. More than at the hospital. I mean, now I understand what they told about things being harder at home. Before I didn't believe it, I was convinced I could do it on my own. But right now I am not giving up and I will try to do all I can so I wouldn't have to go back in January.

What else have I been doing or stuck to - I have been reading for an hour every night. I finally started Christopher Paolini's "Inheritance" and it is quite good. I won't make it to my goal (20 books per year), but next year I will pass it easy, if I keep going like this. I thought I'd start with all the books I have bought but not read and then move on. And borrow stuff from my friends, as a lot of them have a proper library at home. :D

I should get on with some challenges again soon. There are several ideas I have, and there may be another collaboration coming. We shall see.

Also, next year I will try to get a press pass for Tallinn Music Week again. In 2017 I was, and it was really awesome experience. My 2017 articles are up on Nordik Simit page here.