I Won't Quote

When my friend came over and we had the pizza night, we talked about not having anything to do and to waste time, we go out for walks. Like... I used to have hobbies. Where have they gone?

For example I used to watch a lot of films and even anime. At the moment I am not doing this at all, because I feel like I can't focus for that long. It is much easier to watch Youtube videos, becuse in general they are not that long and when I don't like something, I can pick another one. So yeah, I am not really a fan of watching TV. Yesterday I took a look around in Netflix and I thought that oh, maybe I should watch this or that, but then I checked how long it is and decided that I don't have enough energy for that. And I didn't want it to play on the background either, because it would be such a waste. Only thing I have sort of managed to watch is My Kitchen Rules, but this also annoys me, because they always repeat the episodes and I have seen them already. :D

Then... I used to attend a choir practice. But I don't think starting to sing at home randomly would be a nice thing to do (even though in the last place I lived, there was a girl who was an opera singer and I could hear her practicing all the time). But yeah, that is a no from me.

I have never been a dancer and honestly even thinking about it makes me embarrassed. I have turned on some music more loudly and done some steps, but as soon as I do it, I pause the music and sit back down. This is not for me!

What else? I used to read a lot. I read one a day or was awake half of the night in order to read. But at the moment I don't have enough patience, attention and I am just not feeling like it. It just seems so boring. And like... a waste of time, even though it isn't. Because is watching Youtube better?! Also I should contact the magazine I ordered as I have not received my January one. I just saw that they took money from my account but I still haven't gotten it. But yeah, considering me, I wouldn't even read it.

In addition to these things, a big role in my life has sport. I used to love (and still do) running and all kinds of group workouts, but this is not possible at the moment. It is slippery and cold outside and I don't have proper gear to run.

Also, I would like to, I don't know, learn languages or something. But all kinds of group things are paused due to corona. It is depressing. Today I came to the office simply to get out of the house, because I feel I will go mad at home.

Anyway, considering all this, I go for walks a lot. Like yesterday I walked to the one shopping center THREE times. Firstly in the morning to buy some decorations for home (which I think is really pretty, hahaa :D).

Then later I thought I will make kimchi-tofu-mushroom soup as I just came across a recipe and I decided to go and buy some kimchi. And all of the kimchi was gone. I was really upsed because I really wanted that soup. Oh well.

And then in the evening I was like... I should go to the store and get some soya yoghurt. Even though I still have half a tub of coconut yoghurt and I planned to have porridge for breakfast anyway. But I STILL went outside and walked to the store, I just couldn't keep still and I was sooooo bored.

When I get home it was still quite some time until dinner, there was nothing on the TV and I was bored of the computer. So I finally picked up my scrapbook and started one for 2021! It was kind of nice to work on it, but as I don't have printed out pictures, I couldn't really do much. I should look at the photos I have taken and send them to be printed out.

It was kind of calming. I had a weird feeling all day and a bit of anxiety, so it was nice to have some time for myself. I had some tea on the side and just wrote stuff down. It was really nice. But at the same time I still felt like "ugh I don't feel like doing it". I pushed it aside, but it still was on my mind. :S I don't know if scrapbooking is called a hobby, but it is a nice activity that I do on my free time so I guess? I don't know.

We will see what I do next. I guess I should take this list of things and try all the activities, maybe I like somethign again. Is this what depression is, just laying on bed or on a sofa and stare at the ceiling? Honestly, I would even pick an obsession right now, like Korean music used to be. Because I am just... so... bored.

But it was nice that on Saturday a couple of friends and a relative came over. They brought me so many things. ;_; A lot of vegan products, but also something interesting, for example NATO parcel CAN OF BREAD?! This was weird, haha. :D But well, I can say that I am ready for a zombie apocalypse.

Also, what else - blogging is a hobby as well. Yep, this is probably the only thing I have done constantly and feel like doing. :D

Bullet journaling is also kind of the same. You make some pretty decorations and can do habit tracking and mood tracking and so on. It is interesting to see. I try and do something every day, but on some days I still skip. 

Mmmmmm I am thinking what else I did at the hospital. I solved sudokus! And drew! And... solved puzzles, coloured... but in general I just wasted time. I don't know, this walking around makes me feel good. The act of moving. It soothes my nerves and lets me think, like usually I make plans about blogposts or something. Anyway, all in all I want to say that if you want to go for a walk, tell me and let's do it together. :D I always need to have a goal when I go for a walk, especially when I am alone. And usually it is a store. Because I just can't walk around aimlessly. With someone it is fine, but I almost always go for a walk alone.

Yes, I don't keep my walking at the minimum any more, because I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I can allow myself to use some energy. To feel good. And I eat so much, I never walk off all the calories I consume. So yeah, thins are progressing... somehow.

Today I have my psychologist appointment and I am scared of it. And not because I have lost weight, the opposite. I have gained TOO MUCH from the last visit. Like a lot. Several kilos. :S When will things be alright?

At the moment my main problems are: disinterest, boredom, need to move, short attention span, depression, eating too much.

Like I felt SO hungry on one night. I had had all my meals and snacks and then I still kept eating and eating and in the end I went to sleep crying. At 8 pm. Because I thought I will never stop. This really scared me. Later I understood that it was because I was restricting a bit during the week. This is a dead sycle.

Let's clean up. Or I should say, make an even bigger mess. Today, when I am starting this post, it is 26th of October and in a month I get to move in to my own flat (or actually a bit later, around 29th, because the owner can move on the weekend). Anyway, connected to it, I wanted to take up 30 day challenge and declutter, clean, look over, throw away everything in my current flat. In regards to it, I wrote down a list of 30 things to do. So let's get to it. I will make a list and add comments as I go through everything. I don't want to live in a mess after I move, so there is no point to just move every single item with me. Anyway, let's do this. Also, if you need to do some decluttering as well, feel free to join me. :D See how it goes. I hope that once I get to the end of the list, I won't have started making a mess in the first things I decluttered. 

Day 1 - desk, kitchen table

Day 2 - the top of my fridge (there are so many things there. I have a basket on top of the fridge and it is filled with stuff)

Day 3 - parcels, letters (I have a corner in my drawer where I have put a lot of these things and I want to go through them)

Day 4 - hanging clothes part in my wardrobe

Day 5 - bags (handbags, backpacks. I never empty my bag completely and I always find some things in them. :D Time to fix it now)

Day 6 - under my sink (mostly I mean taking the empty bottles to be recycled. There are so many bottles from my Coke addiction... and recently I have started buying it again :S)

Day 7 - bathroom shelves (just makes sense)

Day 8 - random cupboard number one (I mean one particular one where I have a lot of make up things and creams and such stuff)

Day 9 - desk drawers (I am so not looking forward to this one)

Day 10 - bookshelf (there are a lot more things than just vooks. Also I need to decide on what I want to take with me and if there are some things I want to send to my parents' place)

Day 11 - some of the kitchen cupboards (a lot of bottles and jars and stuff, need to go through it and devide it with my sister)

Day 12 - make up and jewelry drawer (make up bags and stuff I use a lot. There are probably some things that are old and neew to be thrown out)

Day 13 - closet that has bedsheets and stuff in them

Day 14 - wardrobe (not looking forward to it... I started with this yesterday actually, to see if there are many things I want to give or throw away or sell, but it was just too overwhelming :D But on day 14 I need to do this nevertheless)

Day 15 - socks drawer (and also underwear. I have a separate drawer for this kind of stuff, but I bet there are some shirts or other random things as well)

Day 16 - drawer under the TV (our TV doesn't work, but the desk and drawers under it are full of things. Need to go through it. Making this list I have found so many things to clean, this is awful...)

Day 17 - basement (I took some stuff there and should go through it)

Day 18 - top cupboards in the kitchen (on the right side. :D There are my seasonings and dry stuff and all these kind of things)

Day 19 - top cupboards in the kitchen (in the middle. They have dishes and teas and all this. Don't know how we are going to devide all the teas :D)

Day 20 - fridge (a small thing but should be cleaned out. Something easy for a change)

Day 21 - drawers under my desk (I have a cupboard thingy next to my desk and part of it reaches under the desk :D Anyway, yeah, this needs to be decluttered!)

Day 22 - box of shoes (we have this huge box thingy that is filled with old shoes or footwear that is not in season. Need to go through it)

Day 23 - rest of my shelves (how many shelves do I have?!)

Day 24 - tea shelf (oh, I have assigned a separate time for tea collection :D)

Day 25 - cleaning the bathroom and shower (well, I do this all the time anyway, but time to be a bit more throughout)

Day 26 - kitchen seating area lockers (I really can't explain it better. We have some cupboards under kitchen corner seating, so I mean this)

Day 27 - under my bed (I have suitcases there and I need to look it over. Also, regarding this I just realised I can use my suitcases to move stuff to my new place, yay)

Day 28 - rest of the stuff (I think I haven't covered all? We shall see)

Day 29 - under the kitchen seating area (there are boxes with homemade jams, pickles etc that my grandma or mum have sent us)

Day 30 - last things, sorting out last bits and bobs, packing stuff up

A lot to do! When I started to write down this list I thought that oh, we have such a small flat currently, I guess there aren't many things to go through... :D Boy, was I wrong.

But at the same time I am feeling really excited over it, because each decluttering moment, sorting, packing thing takes me a day closer to my move. I hoped that I could move on 28-29 already, but it doesn't matter. It will just be a little more time. And also when I get the keys, I can already start taking some stuff there and stay there as well. Most of the furniture they had I kept, I went to see and discuss about it yesterday.

I can't wait to post about pre move and after the move. But it takes some time still.

It is weird that I have been feeling really numb. Like, I know I should be excited and everything, but there is not physical response from my body. But today morning I thought about the notary meeting and I am feeling really nervous suddenly. :D I even had to think that Signe, breathe, everything is okay.

A bit strange that the sales agent can't come today, but I hope everything goes well even without her. At the same time I don't think it really hits me before I actually move and can use the flat. :D And I am sure at first I feel as if I am visiting someone. But maybe this is a good thing and I won't make a mess straight away. :D

I really can't wait to have the housewarming party already, but I want to have moved in before, and gotten used to the place a little. So maybe I will have the party next year. But I just had some thoughts about ohhh I can buy Christmassy kitchen towels and stuff and it is soooo exciting.

On the weekend my parents came to town, we went to see a couple of flats for my sister. And towards the end we were sitting in our kitchen and having tea nad cake and it was so cute that they really seemed to be excited for me. My dad even said that this is so cool and I can make my own decisions and design the place. Awesome!

Anyway yeah, I hope everything goes smoothly now and there won't be any problems. As until now, I still need to keep my toes and fingers crossed!

About challenges - I have gotten some more ideas about what I want to do, but I am not sharing them hhere yet. But I think they could be interesting and useful for me. But for this week (or rather 5 days) I thought of doing one challenge. And this is:

The Scariest Snacks Challenge.

This means that every day I will have a snack that I have been too scared to have, but have thought that I reaaallllyyy want it. I know there are several things like this. And I know I need to do it. My weight has stayed higher (but there haven't been any major jumps) so it is time to challenge myself like this. I already have a snack for today. It is scary, but exciting. I can finally have things that I thought that other people can have it, but not me. So let's do this :D

This is a really long and confusing post. I really hope that I can go through everything in a month. I thought about doing the challenge first and then posting about it, but... now that you know it, it holds me more accountable. And I have more motivation like this.

Do you usually spring clean or autumn clean?

I also wanted to add that in a week I had 48 different foods! Almost 50, missed by so little! :D

Yep. I told my eating disorder that okay, now when I am going to Viljandi until I will be back in Tallinn, you are paused and then we will see how we will continue. Then we will restrict again and will get back to where we were. 

I don't know about you, but when I go to visit my parents or we go somewhere, all eating, snacking and overeating is really easy to go down. I don't understand people who say they lose weight during a holiday. In group, people are keeping their eyes on my very carefully and I am being monitored, it is impossible to skip meals or have something different. Food is being prepared and you need to have it, even if you don't want to. There is no possibility to make your own choices. So the only way to deal with it is to pause your eating disorder.

Now that I am back in Tallinn, it is still paused - until my vacation is over. (It is over now, I am just late to translating this post, sorry about that.)

How has it been? It has not been paused 100%. I may have a chat with my disorder, but it is so difficult. Everything is still fucking difficult. My weight has gone up by a kilo during my vacation and it is fucking with my mind. And during the vacation as well, I had many tears-filled days and I had such overhwelming guilt... so I can't say it was fully paused. But I tried to make it be. What I also did was not talking about food. My mum even complimented me, saying that I didn't make a huge deal out of eating and I managed quite well. Doesn't matter that I cried when I was alone...

Anyway, yeah. 

First food related stop for us was at Muhu, where I wanted to go to this handmade ice cream shop. By company LaMuu.

My mum and sister had an ice cream in a waffle cone, but it is difficult to eat something like this with braces (I need to remove the elastics for it and I didn't have anywhere to put them), so I picked just three flavours in a cup. I tried black ice cream, which was flavoured as white chocolate, beer flavoured ice cream and fake Nutella (vegan) ice cream. I really liked them all and others agreed that the fake Nutella one was the best. :D

I got a lot of guilty feelings from it. Not at first, but later. After that we went to adventure park, Kaali crater and hotel and then my mum and sister started to say that they are hungry, even though we just were supposed to visit Sõrve lighthouse and then go and have dinner. And at home in the morning we ate a lot and then the ice cream was a lot too. Still, we went to the store and...

This was the most difficult thing during our trip. They had some sandwiches, which I have also liked to have, but everything was with meat. And they did not allow me to skip this meal. This was the moment where we had a little fight and I was really disappointed they didn't respect my decision. I couldn't even enjoy the pancakes, as I was too upset.

For dinner we went to Saaremaa Veski. I picked vegan thing from the menu, which was chickpea burgers with sweet potato fries. And I tried one craft beer. The food was amazing and my sister and mum also enjoyed what they had picked.

It was a huge portion and I was really full, but I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter and at the hospital we ate even more. I was extra good and had some bread and butter on the side as well.

After that we went to the hotel and had different snacks, rye bread crisps, pistachios, chips and dip and drank wine. During having these things it is not difficult, but it is so later, especially the next day when I get waves of guilt. I didn't express it in words, I just sent my sister some messages about feeling bad and awful and uncomfortable an guilty.

The next morning we had breakfast buffee, which again meant having so much food. And then we had some snack, but main meal we had at Hiiumaa, in Rannapaargu restaurant.

I would have really liked to have grilled salmon, but they had ran out of it. Vegan selection waas burger with sweet potato fries and chickpea patty, and I didn't want to have the same stuff again. So I picked some fish cutlets with fresh potatoes and mayo sauce and salad. I really liked it. I didn't have too many guilty feelings at that point, and I was quite hungry. My mum and sister were again happy with their selection as well. All in all I would say I liked Saaremaa Veski more, but this was not bad.

After that we looked around for a bit to see if there was a cafe or something nearby, but we didn't have time to go in the end.

Instead we had coffee and cake on the ferry...

Pickng the cake was really difficult and I think I would have liked something else, but as others had this, I felt that it is allowed for me as well. Even though I could have had anything, really... I don't know. Anyway, this cake was not the best thing I have ever had. It was too sweet and not sweet enough at the same time and it was in general kind of weird. If I had picked this cake when others had something different though, it would have been even more difficult. And in reality I have been thinking that I want to have chocolate cake... I don't knowwww. It would have been better if we had been in an actual cafe.

At home in Viljandi we grilled some sausages and I got vegan sausages. These are really good. My dad had one and he also said that he couldn't tell it wasn't meat.

Grilling it added an extra smiky flavour and it was amazing. Even though making it in the oven works well too. Anyway, it was nice to sit outside, drink some wine or beer and just chat. This is my favourite part of barbeque.

Now that I am eating mushrooms, mum made fresh potatoes with chatarelles. This was so good. I had two full plates...

But now I am back in Tallinn and my rhythm has gone back to normal for me. I missed it so much. To have some sort of plan for the days.

At the same time I really managed to break free from having 3 meals and 3-4 snacks. It went better than I expected. But still, it was difficult... and gaining weight after the vacation. Gah. Mentally it has been exhausting. And my "eating disorder is paused" doesn't really help any more, I guess the week free from it was an absolute stretch.

But I was good and on the first full day in Tallinn I still made some proper breakfast porridge. I brought a lot of gooseberries from home, and also some blackcurrants. I really enjoy my breakfasts and they are on next level thanks to fresh berries.

With cocoa and blackcurrants. And today morning I made the same with vanilla peanut butter. And my porridge servings are also bigger than they used to be. This is also progress.

I have a new deal with my friend as well. I said that I can't gain so much weight so fast, as our current plan had me do. I just find it mentally too hard. So now my goal is to gain a kilo in two weeks, when he still continues with losing 2 to 2,5 kilos in two weeks.

But all in all, I have been doing well. Now today it is Monday and I should start a new challenge, but I just can't come up with any. :D But I feel like I need to, because that is the essence of my blog. I will try and come up with something.

I have tried some new vegan products, but I am not going to talk about them in this post.

Anyway, I am glad that this stressful part of the vacation is over. But I am also feeling sad. I discovered that I didn't think about food all the time and some moments, for example having meals at the restaurant with others, were kind of easy. And also... gaining one kilo per week was not the worst thing that could have happened. Besides I had a goal, agreement, to do that... and on the sixth I went to see my doctor so now I could finally show them some results. I have always just sat in their office, repeating "next time, next time"...

Also I wanted to write about one more thing. I need a new job. And I would like to do something to express myself, but I have a feeling there is NO SUCH JOB. And I don't know what else I would like to do. I am so lost. Does anyone else ever feel lke this? How to get out of this funk? Argh.

But well. Now I have written down everything about these guilty feelings and foods. And now some days have passed and I am feeling better. At least for now. And I need to be in "now!. What is the point of stressing over the past or future? You cannot change the past and you don't know what is to come.

This topic has been covered by milion and one bloggers, but I wanted to be popular too and discuss the options a little. Options that aren't dying of boredom, that is. I will try to make a list of the things and check it out myself whenever I don't know what to do any more.

• reading

I have a ton of books at home that I haven't even touched, but at the moment I am using Estonia's e-library, which is really cool. I am currently reading "Bad Wolf" by Nele Neuhaus and I absolutely love this criminal story.

But if you don't like reading online on your phone or computer, you can still go and visit a library (I think these still work). Also you can order online from some of the bookstores in Estonia.

If you are not interested in books, you are more than welcome to read magazines. For Estonian, I recommend vegan magazine, which is also available FOR FREE online. There are a lot more magazines that you will probably like, too!

Which I don't recommend to do, is reading news. Yes, of course you should keep an eye on what is happening, but don't spend a day constantly scrolling news. I find it cuses stress and being really upset.

What have you been reading recently, do you have any recommendations?

• Cooking

Having a home office it gives me an opportunity to cook fresh meals for lunch, which I really like.



Also in addition I decided to make kimchi and I also baked bread. I have also planned out meals for the next week and I have bought everything I need. For example last night we made some Japanese curry and today we are making buckwheat. Then tomorrow we will make kimchi fried rice, where we also add a fried egg on top. Then on Thursday I am making groud and potato mash with onion and on Friday we will make sweet potato boats filled with chilli.

I really like having these kind of proper plans, it makes me feel more normal and I don't have to think about what to make.

I also saw Estonian bread company posting how to make a started for bread on Facebook and I thought that maybe this can be my next project.

When was the last time you made something new? Do you have any recipe recommendations? And when was the last time you baked something? I really feel like baking. :D

• watching youtube

I find that I cannot focus enough to watch a movie or series (even though this is also something you can do in isolation). I really like watching just youtube. I usually watch different vlogs and DIYs etc, it is a good way to distract yourself from the crisis situation.

You watch youtube sometimes? What do you like to watch? I need some new channels to watch! :D

• learning a language

I haven't done much of it, but in Japan I promised that I will try and remember Japanese. I used to take classes in it for a year in university. I understand some bits, but not enough to have a conversation.

In English it is good to learn it via Duolingo. I have studied Norwegian on there, and I managed to learn quite a bit. I really like that they teach you every day things, not like... poems, like we had to learn in Russian classes at school.

There are a lot more pages where you can do some studying, but I highly recommend this. It is simple, cute and easy. Besides there are a lot of different languages to pick from.

Which language would you like to study? Have you ever learned a language by yourself? I find that studying it in a group is much easier, but this will do.

• cleaning

I know, I know. Who cleans voluntarily? But it feels so good after! We have one room flat and most of my day I spend in the kitchen that is kind of like my office. And after work I am in the bedroom. I really like keeping the kitchen clean, it helps me to focus better and it is nice to make dinner when there aren't like dirty dishes in the sink or something.

I really should look over my clothes and sort them a bit. As this isolation seems to still be going on for a while, I think I will do it at one point. :D I always start to clean when I don't want to do anything else. Anyone else? :D

• going for a walk

Most of the time you should stay home! And not go to shopping centers or other public places. I still think some walking is a nice thing to do. Especially if you can go to a place where there aren't many people around.

I have been going out on some days and only met people with dogs or small kids. There aren't too many people around here, so I feel quite safe. I don't even go to foodstores and try to make one trip a week to there.

• journaling

Or writing this blog. :D I think this is a really nice thing to do with your time. Just start writing. Besides you can later look back to this and think that wow, 2020 was crazy with the isolation and the situation in the world.  You can even tell it to your grandchildren...

I also have a scrapbook that I occasionally fill with stickers and photos and it is really nice and relaxing thing to do. Currently I am adding reciepts from Japan into it. :D Maybe I will take some pictures of it at one point and post here too.

Have you ever had a journal or diary? Or a blog? If you are reading blogs, feel free to also recommend me some!

• solving puzzles

Here you can add a lot of things. For example playing some games or solving jigsaws or sudokus. I have a wave of sudoku obsession at the moment. And then at one point I get bored of them and don't solve them for months. :D But currently I am into them. I even bought 3 different sudoku books, thinking I may get bored of one. :D

There are also word puzzles you can solve, but these I don't really like. But if you do, it is a good way to even learn something.

Which one do you prefer? Sudokus or puzzles?

I could write down milion other things. For example watching series and movies, writing a letter, online shopping, drawing, making art, watching TV, playing table games, writing your original story, singing, practicing an instrument, having a video chat with friends, doing yoga, working out at home, listening to a podcast or audio book... and so on and so on.

This cranberry-oat dark vegan chocolate is the best thing that I have tried in god knows how long.

Monday. 06.01.2020

Breakfast 7:00 - porridge with vanilla, banana and frozen raspberries, cup of coffee. (Porridge of course. But one with seeds and nuts, not any regular one. :D)

Snack 11:30 - Cadbury Christmas chocolate with gingerbread filling, cup of coffee. (Actually my third cup of coffee, as I had one right after getting to work as well. :D)

Lunch 13:00 - craft bread with cream cheese, cheese and fresh cucumber. (It doesn't matter that my snack time was later than usually, my lunch was still at the same time.=

Snack 15:00 - kohuke (Estonian curd cream dessert) with mango. (One of the last kohuke that I hadn't yet tried. All the other ones from the store I have now tried...)

Dinner 19:00 - sushi bowl. (Meaning brown rice, corn, marinated ginger, tuna, tomato, bell pepper, cucumber, some soy sauce and a sheet of nori. Really good combination, and easy. I was too lazy to turn it into proper sushi form.

Snack 20:00 - 500g of pomelo. (It is soo soooo good. Really in season, really recommend!)

Tuesday, 07.01.2020

Breakgast 7:00 - porridge with nuts and seeds, coconut, raspberries and a banana. (I got some rice flakes for the future, to make my morning porridge a bit different. But I am going to use up this one first.)

Snack 11:00 - crandberry and oat flakes dark chocolate. (Really, the best kind of chocolate I have had this year. :D Or this and last year, as it is seventh oh January still. :D Anyway, super amazing and vegan! Really recommend!)

Lunch 13:00 - two slices of handmade bread with cream cheese, cheese and pickles. (Yep, still sandwiches. I cannot fathom that I have skipped lunches instead of enjoying them!)

Snack 15:00 - greek yoghurt with blackberries. (For a change from kohuke I decided to go with yoghurt. But I am bothered that I am not trying something new. I keep thinking that now that I can, I should try something else. But it doesn't matter. Food is food.)

Dinner 19:00 - filled sweet potato with salad and cheese, with a side of cottage cheese with tomatoes and cucumber. (My sister is a fan of sweet potatoes so I made this. And tomorrow we will have the same stuff, as the sweet potato was huge. :D)

Snack 20:00 - 600g of pomelo. (It was a bit too much, but at the same time it felt wrong to leave so little for tomorrow. It is the best when it is freshly peeled.)

Wednesday, 08.01.2020

Breakfast 7:00 - porridge with nuts and seeds and vanilla, banana and frozen raspberries, cup of coffee. (I have noticed I don't really write down how much coffee I am having. I have about 2 cups a day. One huge one at home and then 2 small ones at work.)

Snack 11:00 - Cadbury Christmas chocolate with gingerbread. (This is also so good that I grabbed it with me. Also I think I'd mention that the first snack is the most difficult for me, still.)

Lunch 13:00 - bread with cream cheese, cheese and pickles. (Honestly I feel like this is becoming a thing like porridge. :D I will try and make something else... maybe. At least I need to buy new bread...)

Snack 15:00 - vanilla kohuke. (Again back to them. Now I have tried all of this one company's. My favourite was caramel one, surprisingly, and also the one filled with coconut, of course.)

Dinner 19:00 - beans and cheese filled sweet potato with carrot and cabbage salad. (Basically the same as yesterday.)

Snack 19:30 - 500 g of pomelo. (It is so goooood. It was not yellow but orange/pink instead though, interesting.)

Thursday. 09.01.2020

Breakfast 7:00 - porridge with nuts and seeds, coconut, banana, frozen raspberries and a cup of coffee. (Super good. Tomorrow I will finally have rice porridge, as I ran out of the seeded grains. :D Today is tough because my weight has gone up.)

Snack 11:00 - Corny peanut and gingerbread bar. (I looked for them for so long as they were always sold out. Finally found them now. And they were pretty good.)

Lunch 13:00 - two slices of bread with cream cheese and boiled egg. (At least a little bit different. :D)

Snack 15:00 - an apple. (I wanted to get kohuke again, but the store near my workplace doesn't have the one I craved for. :D So I thought I'd have something fresh instead.)

Dinner 19:00 - rice with Asian style veggies. (I got mixed vegetables and fried them first, then added coconut milk, ginger, garlic, soya sauce and peanut butter. It was really spicy but very good in the end.)



Snack 20:00 - 500g of pomelo. (My sister wanted it, so I had it too. :D)

We had a proper Christmas tree at home. This is always one of my requested things when I am going home for Christmas. :D

Christmas was extremely difficult for me. As I was afriad, there was much binge eating and drinking - both at home as well as with friends few days later. Which meant that for the next couple of days I held back and skipped all snacks and even some meals. Do what you have to - I know I am behaving badly, but I can't help it. Now this week I have been back to my own rhythm, but I have much more guilt feelings again. So... maybe I have not been doing as well as everyone thinks. (Wrote this before.) But at the moment it is third of January and I have been SO good.

I wrote to the hospital and said that I am not coming back as inpatient, but I can come to an appointment if this is necessary.

So I thought I'd also write down my menu to hold myself accountable.

01.01.2020, WEDNESDAY

Breakfast 10:00 - porridge with vanilla, banana, pumpkin pie spice and frozen strawberries, coffee. (I ate too much yesterday, but still...)

Snack 12:00 - Domino cardamom cookies and coffee. (I really wanted to skip the snack, but I really wanted to try these cookies. They were out of stock in all the stores, but finally I found them. Pretty good.)



"Santa" brought me this Paulig's new Christmas coffee. Especially good with the mentioned cookies. :D

Lunch 14:00 - potato salad, marinated fish, tomato. (Weird combo. But I have to mention that on EVERY first of January we have potato salad so it was a must. I discovered that local store has vegetarian version!)

Snack 15:30 - kohuke (Estonian curd cream dessert) with peanuts. (Again I thought that this was too much, but I had it and it was good. Also I have been drinking so much tea.)

Dinner 19:00 - potato salad, fish, tomato and fried cabbage. (Same as during the lunch, but I had it and needed to use it up.)

Snack 20:00 - mango sorbet. (I couldn't decide if I wanted ice cream or muesli. But then I remembered that I haven't tried this mango ice cream.)

02.01.2020, THURSDAY

Breakfast 7:00 - porridge with vanilla, banana and strawberries. (I still love porridge. Saying that maybe I have had enough was not true at all. :D Nothing is better than a big bowl of porridge in the mornings!)

Snack 11:00 - ice cream KitKat. (My friend brought me this from Japan. Also, today in 1 month and 16 days I am going to Japan! This is so soon!)

Lunch 13:00 - Local bakery's seeded bread with cream cheese, cheese and pickles. (Love this bread as well.)

Snack 15:00 - apple. (I really want fresh stuff.)

Dinner 19:30 - omelette with sundried tomatoes and cheese, pickles and tomato salad. (I really like having omelettes for dinner.)

Snack 21:30 - yoghurt with salted caramel crisps. (I really can't explain this snack, but it was really good!)

I am trying to start posting on every Monday and Friday again, so here you go. I want to keep up with the menu at home posts as well, so there are going to be more similar posts coming.

First month after the hospital was difficult. There were a lot of ups and downs and guilt. But a lot of motivation, want to do something and meet people. I will try to make a list of negative things and end with positive ones.

Negatives

- I lost some weight at first.
- I kept comparing meals to other's, like my sister's.
- I got stuck in my own rhythm again; meaning food times are always set and if I can't keep at those, I am upset.
- I still felt like I didn't care about anything.
- My mood was based on my weight again, meaning if it remained the same or went down, I felt happier, even though the goal is to gain weight.
- Guilt when I had too much food at Christmas parties.
- A lot of worrying about things to come and need to restrict my food intake before events.

Positives

- I am motivated to meet people, talk and do something.
- I (re)discovered knitting.
- I have gained some weight, even though slowly.
- I have tried a lot of new and interesting snacks.
- I feel more energetic and instead of just laying down, I want to get up and do things.
- I have a lot of energy to move around, run, work out.
- I can cook my own food and try out new recipes.

Seems there is equal amount of things... :D I guess I remember some more as soon as I publish this, but well, it is what it is. I guess it is kind of like Murphy's law. Anyway, I am looking forward to 2020 to see how I will do. My short-term goal is to go and run 7 km in May in some competition! Anyone else?



Also I thought I'd give away a pair of green and grey (Slytherin) socks. So if you would like this, just recommend me something. It may be a challenge, snack, tea, book, podcast or anything you can come up with.

Monday

Weigt had gone down 200 grams, so now I am 43,1 kgs. This is not a huge problem, as last time my weight had gone up surprisingly much. Aslo I have been home since Friday afternoon and moved a bit more. I will try to change it by Thursday. I have a doctor's appointment on the ninth, and by then I want to be good.

This number, 43, is so weird. It feels so... much. And I guess it is, considering where I started. The most difficult part is to have the first number change. When 36 became 37, when 37 became 38 and so on. I just need to get used to it. And can't let it go down again, because then it is difficult to accept again.

It is good to be at home. But more difficult than I thought it would be. I have been at home only for a weekend, but I already have thoughts such as "but she doesn't have anything for a snack, but she doesn't do this or that, why do I have to?". Difficult. At the same time I am still feeling morivated and want to do well. As I mentioned previously, the doctor wants me to go back in January, even though I don't want to go. I will stand by mysself and if I do well, then maybe I don't have to. I have to hope. So many people believe in me.



It is so good to be at home and see my cat as well :D.

I got another tea advent calendar and things are... surprisingly good. For a few times I have been thinking that "I guess this is good mood", which is weird for me.

Eating is, as mentioned, difficult. But at the same time so cool. I tried spicy vegan wrap finally... and it was awesome. Before going to the hospital, I looked at it in the store, saw how many calories it has, and put it back. Today I ate it and it hasn't affected my mood much. My stomach aches a bit, but what else is new.



There is still a small challenge of liquid calories, so I have been having smoothies and yoghurt drinks.

Today I am finally going to this one bakery, to get this amazing seeded bread. I promise that there will be a post about "how to gain weight at home" with foods and other topics. Maybe I should write down my menu at home as I did in the hospital?

Tuesday



When I went to the bakery, I also saw the Christmas market.

And as I thought, the bakery had ran out of the bread I wanted. Damn. I thought I'd give up and get it from the store, because I am too lazy to go back and discover again that they don't have it. :D The price difference is minimal, I guess it would just be more fresh. But oh well.

I made a lot of curry last night, to have it today as well. I really wanted to only have veggies, but I was good and also made some rice. When I was craving for white rice before going to the hospital, then now I have been wanting brown, as I had it too much there.

My breakfast porridge was not good today and I again felt like wasting calories. At the same time I felt that maybe it helped that I repeated "food is food and you gotta eat". There are things in life that are more important. At least I try to think like that.

I had some panic at lunch. I went to the store to get food, but card terminals didn't work. Of course I didn't have cash more than an euro and I was thinking I need to settle for a yoghurt or something. But I spent so much time walking around in panic that when I finally go to the register, card terminals were working again and I got to buy some food. :D Now I know to always have some cash in hand.

Wednesday

I finally got my bread yesterday. So for breakfast I made some porridge with apple jam and bread with butter and fresh cucumber. It was so good. I feel like I could just have this whole loaf of bread by itself. (Haven't you heard - I love bread?)

What else is new is that I have so. many. emotions. Less negative ones than I did at the hospital, but mostly I am... confused. I don't really understand what I am feeling. Or at least I cannot put it into words.

There is a lot to do. People to meet and talk to and in general just go around. I have been just cut out of my life for two months. I would like to do even more, but I try to be calmer at the same time.

Thursday

My weight... fuck. Today morning it was 42,7, which means it has gone down by quite a bit. On Monday I will be seeing the doctor, too. I don't know how this is possible - all I have been doing is eating and I have stuck to all the snacks and stuff. I will keep trying and hope it will help.

I am feeling... I don't even know. I still have a lot of guilt about eating and I keep worrying ahead a lot. More than at the hospital. I mean, now I understand what they told about things being harder at home. Before I didn't believe it, I was convinced I could do it on my own. But right now I am not giving up and I will try to do all I can so I wouldn't have to go back in January.

What else have I been doing or stuck to - I have been reading for an hour every night. I finally started Christopher Paolini's "Inheritance" and it is quite good. I won't make it to my goal (20 books per year), but next year I will pass it easy, if I keep going like this. I thought I'd start with all the books I have bought but not read and then move on. And borrow stuff from my friends, as a lot of them have a proper library at home. :D

I should get on with some challenges again soon. There are several ideas I have, and there may be another collaboration coming. We shall see.

Also, next year I will try to get a press pass for Tallinn Music Week again. In 2017 I was, and it was really awesome experience. My 2017 articles are up on Nordik Simit page here.

When I got out on Friday, I went to my parents' place and took a bus back to home on Saturday. I think I will post separately about foods and how my normal days are going to look like. I just wanted to write initial emotions down.

1. 1. It is weird. All the things are different. For example I couldn't even hold on to my cup normally, because I was used to holding hospital cups. :D What kind of logic is that? And the shower also. So not used to the one at home.
2. I feel as if there was no hospital. It is weird to think that I was away for two months and the world kept spinning during this time. I felt like life was paused for me, although others kept living. 
3. I finally saw my cat. I think he is a bit upset with me, because if I don't grab him and hold him on my lap, he doesn't really want to be touched.
4. I think I am in a good mood. Actually I am not sure what is "good mood", but I think the mood I was in on Saturday, is that. I think normal people feel like this.
5. My insides hurt. I don't know if it was because of eating or what, but I feel heavy and disgusting. I see my body differently, so I am trying to avoid mirrors. I told my psychologist about it and she agreed that doing yoga would be good - it helps to see your body in a correct way and feel it normally once again.
6. I can have tea! So much and different ones! Hallelujah! I will be posting tea-related thing, that is long overdue. And I have been wanting to tell you about the tea store that gave me 20 % off and sent me such a nice parcel.
7. I can make food and try things. I went to the store with my sister and made oven baked gnocchi with paprica and I could add seasonings and enjoy it! I will keep posting my sweets reviews, as food is cool.
8. I could make porridge for breakfast! Before going to the hospital, I was really scared of even porridge, today I added two huge spoonfuls of chai spice mix and there was no problem.
9. I can try all the products I have been sent! For example I am going to make falafels (as Globus Estonia sent me chickpeas), because I have been craving for it.
10. I have energy to walk up the stairs. Getting home with three huge bags, it was not difficult to walk to the fifth floor. It was really easy. Weird. I am not panting. My feet feel lighter. I feel like I could run a marathon.