I Won't Quote

I thought about not posting today, because my vacation started and I don't have anything written down. But then I decided I will still write a bit and make a short post, because it is kind of weird to not post on my assigned day without a warning. So this is published later than usually, but still, better late than never.

About my last post, I did a poll on instagram and it appears that sleeping naked is more popular than I thought. :D It was quite a surprise. Several people also wrote to me and asked like what the heck, did you sleep with clothes on until now, haha. :D I don't really understand it either, because it is much better to sleep without clothes. Especially if you have shaved and put on fresh bedsheets. :D Anyway yes, I think that I will continue like this, though I am not getting naked when I visit someone.

I have several thoughts in my head...

Lately I have thought that maybe I still avoid some fooda. But at the same time things that I eat, I really enjoy. So then I am just torn all the time, do I really avoid foods or is it okay to constantly have same stugg? I don't know, I am not good enough at analyzing this stuff.

My menu is quite varied, I mean, I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, I add some healthy protein and also carbs, of course. But yeah, the things I cook are always very similar. Like lately for the past few months I have had porridge for breakfast all the time and already when I go to sleep, I think that I can't wait for the morning to come, because I want my oatmeal. This is really my favourite food and the day isn't right if I don't start it with it. Yes, I can eat other stuff as well, but I always CRAVE for oats.

I also keep thinking that I should have something different for lunch, but there are certain things I just always like to have, it is difficult to come up with something else. Besides the stores near my home don't really stand out with their ready meal selections, so it is just easier to always pick similar items.

Also lately I have made a little change - I have made my lunches much bigger. This has always been the time I eat the least, but now when I have a vacation and I am at home, I always make proper filling lunches. And this causes a lot of anxiety. I just keep thinkin that now I shouldn't have too much food in the evenings, as my lunch was bigger. But in the evenings I am still super hungry and eat a lot, which means I consume a lot more calories than I used to. No wonder my weight keeps going up.

What are my regular meals then in the menu? For example Caesar salad with salmon, sweet potato with beans, cottage cheese salad with omelette, boiled potatoes with herring and cottage cheese, all kinds of rice bowls etc. And like, I don't know, I feel a bit sad that I don't try out new things more, but at the same time I really do like what I eat. And I still feel like not having the same kind of things several days in a row.

Lately I have also had dnner way later than seven. Usually at this time I am still at the gym and then I eat around 8-9. And I ALWAYS have snacks or dessert as well. Can't go without them. I could be really full after dinner, but I still need to snack on something, or my day is not finished properly. It is so nice to chew on something while watching YouTube videos or TV.

Now that my vacation has sterted, my own rhytm is totally different. I can make proper food for lunch. My dinners are different, for example today my best friend is coming over and I promised to make some Chinese food and naan bread for her. Then tomorrow I am going to Viljandi and will eat with the family. Again, I am so used to my own things and it is kind of difficult to act out of the ordinary. But it is not the end of the world, I want to get into this normality, where I wouldn't stress about things like this.

I have also thought about gettinf a meal plan, maybe it would give me more inspiration on what to do. But at the same time I know that considering my obsessiveness, if there would be something out of the plan, it would cause a lot of stress. So I don't know, I don't think it is the best idea. :D

Lately I have also been going to the gym a lot. My muscles are a bit sore today, but not too bad. I divided my days a little, so on one day I work on my upper body, on another day I work on the lower body etc. And on some days I run or do more cardio. I don't know, I really quite like this. I am still waiting for the motivation to go and run outside, haven't really felt like it so far. At the gym it is no problem to run on the treadmil though, I did quite a long distance yesterday.

Anyway yes, my vacation's first week is fully booked, on the second week I only have one plan as of right now. But again, there are quite a lot to do in August in general. I like planning a lot, but when something actually comes up, I start to think that I can't be bothered and don't want to do it. I need to force myself, I know I have to.

Motu just came to sleep on my lap and it is very difficult to write like this, haha. :D But he is so sweet, I don't have the heart to make him go away. Animals are amazing. Like, when I am feeling really shitty and my mood is in the gutter, I think that I need to deal with things, because who is going to feed him, if I don't. :D And I always think that okay, I have spent quite a lot of money, I should save some... and then I go to the store and get him the most expensive wet food, because I like to spoil him. :D

Also with eating, there is this problem that I sometimes have my daily meals set out. Like what is for lunch and what's for dinner. And then on one day I had this huge crisis, because I didn't go to the gym, but I had planned to have a bigger dinner. But my health was kind of weird and I didn't go, which caused me to feel that I need to make something else for dinner. I know it makes no sense, but that is what happens in my head. It kind of threw me off.

I talked to my friend about it and she made me have the food I had planned and it was good to beat this silly voice in my head.

But yeah, saving all the calories for the evening really makes me upset. A lot of influencers and gym people also keep talking that they save everything for the evening and it is stuck in my head.

Also, I read this book called "My shitty therapist" and there were quite a lot of other people's stories. And I thought it would me nice to share your's. So if you would like me to post about your story, please write to me via signe.kerge@gmail.com, write a comment or contact me aon Instagram. I can share it all anonymously, no problem. And your story can be about everything, you can tell me how you got a dog or something. :D Just... I have so many nice readers here and I would like to share things about you as well.

The book itself was quite okay, written with some good humor. Though it was very UK based, so it wasn't really that relatable for me. But it was a good read nevertheless. It was a nice fast read, you can just go through few pages every day or something.

Also I wanted to ask if you have ever tried a meal plan? What kind of foods do you make often? Do you feel like you are... missing out, because you have too many same things? These are the emotions I get a lot recently.

But yes. Today it is that kind of short post. I hope to write something on Friday as well, but if I don't then you should know that I am fine and I am just trying to rest. :)

This month I have tried so few vegan things. It is sad, but oh well.

I thought that I am not writing just random things here, but I want to tell something. Like, with eating, things are still difficult. When somethin is not perfect, I feel sooooo much like I am "wasting calories" and I can't handle it. Like for example last night I made something fast to eat, because I got home super late. And it was my curd cream-berries-cereal bowl. Because I have like half a kilo at once, right. Well, anywayyyy, in this berry mix there were blackcurrants and they were too sour and I was thinking that I don't like it at all and ate it super fast for that reason. And also after this I had some grapes and ice cream. And like, last night it was fine, I did feel a bit guilty about eating so fast and so late, but it was bearable.

And then today morning it started - thoughts of "I shouldn't have eaten it", I could have made something else, I could have only had snacks, I should have restricted a bit, you didn't like it anyway, you just scoffed it down, it was pointless, you didn't enjoy the process of eathing etc etc. And I am mad at myself. I thought that okay, I'll use this technic where I let myself feel bad for a bit, but whatever I do, this emotion doesn't leave me. And writing this down here is somehow reassuring. Like... at least someone else knows now. I feel like I need to justify myself. I thought I was over these kind of things, but apparently not.

Also my weight plays a role here, because it is higher than never before, but yes. I just would like to cry a bit at that, honestly. :D But I don't feel like crying, I can't push the tears out, I am just upset. Maybe this is something I need to talk to my psychologist about - how to get over this emotion.

Everything is okay. I was hungry, that is why I ate fast. Food doesn't need to be perfect. But I STILL feel like I wasted it. I guess I will feel this way today, hopefully it will pass by tomorrow. I just want to get over it, I don't know, it is so difficult to sit with these thoughts. I can't focus on anything really.

Anyway, now that this is off my chest, I can turn to the vegan products I tried last month. As I said, there are only a few, but I hope it is still interesting.

Hakitud soja tomatikastmes (Soy mince in tomato sauce)

I have never used this before, but now my parents and grandma came to visit us and it was my task to make dinner. I made some boiled potatoes and minced soy dish, I added some more tomato paste, mushrooms, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprica. Everyone really enjoyed it and didn't believe it was vegan etc. :D Anyway, this was really positive surprise and I keep thinking I should make more foods like this! 10/10

Tooršokolaad guaranaga (Raw chocolate with guarana)

This I got a while ago from vegan subscription box, but honestly... I didn't like it. And usually I am a huge fan of dark chocolate. I shared it with people, with friends etc and they had it, but no one said it was good. Maybe other Stay Young chocolates are better, but this was a big disappointment. 3/10.

Naturli jäätis vaarikaga (Naturli ice cream with raspberries)

I loved that it was soft enough - it didn't need to thaw out of the freezer, I could just have it right away. But at the same time... it was nothing special. But well, I know that I don't like fruity ice creams that much. I should try their chocolate one. But this, I wouldn't get it again. 5/10.

Beyond meat burger (Beyond Meat burger)

I finally tried it at the restaurant in a burger and it was just AMAZING. It was exactly like meat, I showed it to my relative like ten times, asking if this looked vegan to her. :D It really probablt helped that it was in a burger with other things like onion jam and stuff, but I highly recommend it. Probably my favourite vegan meat alternative! 10/10.

Vegan Gourmet klassikalises marinaadis sojašašlõkk (Vegan Gourmet shaslik in classic marinade)

Eeerm about this I am really thinking about buying several kilos and freeze it. And then have it all year around, because it is just SO GOOD. It was really nicely marinated with vinegar, it had enough salt and it didn't dry out while being barbequed. It was awesome, another favourite product! 10/10. Next time I will try the spicy BBQ marinade one. I also had one other company's vegan shashlik, but there were too little people and we didn't prepare it.

Nemoloko kaerajook matcha teega (Nemoloko oat milk with matcha tea)

I have tried it once a long time ago, when I made this popular dalgona coffee, and it worked well. But just this, I didn't really like. Even though I have a weird relationship with matcha anyway, in some things I loved it, but on other occasions I don't. Anyway, I will bot be buying this again. 2/10.

Kalevi tume šokolaadi kirsi-tšilliga (Dark chocolate with cherries and chilli)

I think it is fully vegan, don't hit me when I am wrong. Anyway this I liked, though it had too little chilli, it could use some more. But I have bought it several times, because it is really good! And even though I am not a fruity chocolate fan mostly, this hits the spot. 7/10.

I am starting to write this post right now, on Monday morning, so it won't be that long I think.

Me, being pleased with my clothes.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little about how I deal with working out. And it is going well! I usually go to the gym like 2 times per week, mostly on the weekends, because on weekdays I get home quite late. I have gone a few times during the week as well, but then I have worked from home so going there takes no time at all. But in general it is good that I don't feel like I have to go every single day. I just take it easy, go when I want to and feel like it. I don't force myself to go at all.

Usually I jog a little and then use the equipment. Me! I have gotten used to using quite a few machines already, but there are still some I haven't checked out. I have my own certain routine of things I always do. I don't haby any muscles to show yet, but I don't work out that much. But at the same time after a workout I often get slightly sore muscles and I really like this feeling. :D And also it has never been too painful, just nice. And I think this is healthy.

In addition to using the equipment, I also do something with dumbbells and recently I have also started to pay attention to my abs. Even though I should probably do more for them, as I am so weak at my core. :D It will progress as time goes by, I am sure. Usually I stay at the gym for an hour or a little more.

On the weekend I used the running machine and jogged a little. Can't really call it proper running, as I am so slow, but it is at least something. Like last time I did FOUR AND A HALF km. I was super proud, as it has been a long time since I ran that much. I like running on the machine more, because it helps me to keep the pace. Outside I always start too fast and then get tired really soon. Also there aren't any crossroads and stuff at the gym. Or other people. There aren't many people who just run at the gym, mostly people walk. Most of the people still use the machines or dumbbells.

I am thinking that I should make a plan and write down how much weight I use on which machine etc, because it gets difficult to remember it all. And I would like to follow my progress more closely.

Something more general now as well... went to the beach on Friday and after that went to have food at Chakra, an Indian place. It was really nice, I highly recommend this place. On the beach there were quite a few people which was also a good change. :)

Then on Saturday I didn't really do anything, I was mainly at home... tried to study a bit, but wasn't successful. But I know I HAVE to do it as soon as possible, because I applied to uni on Friday and soon the exam takes place. I need to get at leasy 70 points, it is possible to get 50 from the test and 50 from the interview. I hope I am going to ace the interview, so I don't have to worry too much. I have hope. But even if I get 70 points, only first 30 will get a spot. :D And there are about 80 people registered...

Then in the evening I went to the gym and was there for a little less than an hour, because I simply was too tired. And it had a lot of people, considering it was Saturday, usually there aren't that many. Everyone are hungover from last night or out partying again usually, as weather is also super nice at the moment. Then I went home, ate a lot of course and then headed to bed. I had stayed up quite late on Friday so I was really sleepy.

On Sunday I had a proper rest, went to some stores. But I couldn't be bothered to try clothes on so I just went back home. Though one pair of pants is still in my mind, I think I have to go back at one point. I want mum jeans, because these are super popular at the moment and I love people wearing them. But I have tried them, and I don't like them on me. But I won't stop until I find a pair.

Then yesterday evening I also sorted through my clothes, even though I didn't manage to do it with everything. I was left with quite a bit I want to give away or sell. Also these are not only super small things, I have all the sizes. :D I feel kind of sad at the idea of throwing them away. I think in the end I will still bring them to the collection point and that will be done. I am just kind of sad that some of the things I haven't even worn.

I also thought about selling them at a second hand store, but I don't know how well it would go. Are there people actually buying stuff from there? Usually there are so few people in these kind of stores so I don't know. Also if any one my friends would like some new clothes - please drop by and see if you'd like something. :D I have pants, dresses, sweaters, jackets, blouses, a lot of things! Me and my friends used to do something like this: we went to someone's place with all the things we wanted to give away and then swich them. :D I would gladly do something like this again.

I am not really excited for the new week, because there is soooo much at work I need to do. One of my bosses has a holiday for a month and before this I really need to figure some things out. I try to take it easy and not stress too much. I also started to write a proper diary and I did write there that I worry way too much over stuff. Also I have another conflict - I always think and say I want to be more spontaneous, but I like knowing proper plans. It is kind of difficult to find the in-between...

But coming back to the gym, I think that yes, I need to plan out my workouts better. Like on what day I will do what etc. I really would need someone's help for that though, I am such a newbie. :D Of course I could learn stuff from YouTube, I am sure there is a lot of content (I even looked up how to use some of the equipment). But having someone with an experience would be beneficial.

With eating, things are going okay, but I feel like I still have some fearfoods, which I should take head on. :/ Because like... every day I keep thinking that I eat the same kind of stuff. I need to make something else. But I am so used to this. But then I keep thinking that there is so much other good food, I need to try it all... but I never get around to it.

Like at the moment it is difficult to eat rice, noodles (it used to be that pasta was no go and noodles were okay, now it is the opposite :D), beans and lentils (I don't even know, why, it used to be okay), some fruit (like mango, banana - even though I add banana to my porridge evert day), some vegetables (like avocado) etc. Yesterday I did make noodles with eggs and veggies for dinner and it was amazing. I don't know why I am scared. It just is like that. Also at the moment it is summer and I only want to eat fresh stuff. Ugh, this is just so irritating.

Anyway, here are some general plans for this week:

1. Finish some critical things at work.

2. Think and plan gym workouts.

3. Try and run more, both indoors and outdoors.

4. Study, study, study.

5. Try to be more spontaneous.

6. Eat different foods.

7. Spend more time in the sun.

8. Read more books.

9. Stress less.

10. Think of a GOOD challenge and execute it.

Here you go, ten things, I can be happy now. :D I will now try to get int work, as last week was a bit half-arsed. It is difficult to get back into rhytm.

First challenge appeared already before Midsummer Day. I had just had lunch when my sister said that there are many kringel pastries, salad and other kinds of food left from her small gathering with coworkers and that me and mum can come there and eat. My mum came to Tallinn to take us back home by car, because Midsummer has always been the time you spend with your family. We are going to my Grandma's, have a BBQ, just chill and talk.

Anyway, I was full, but I KNEW I WANTED those things I prepared for my sister. I made cheese pastry and nutella pastry and some filled eggs. I knew I couldn't stop myself when these things were in front of me, it didn't matter how hard I tried. And is it wrong to have food because I want to?!

These were just super good.

Everything always goes back to weight and the fact that as of right now I don't need to gain any. These eating moments, overeating etc is much easier to justify when I was underweight. Then it didn't matter if I gained a few kilos or not, because I needed that. But today it isn't like so anymore. Also I know that tomorrow, on Midsummer's Eve, I will eat soooo much. I know that I can't stop myself yet again.

I have been thinking about restricting in advance, skipping a few meals or not having dinner, but I haven't done that. I really wish I did, because then my eating would be okay. But I have been doing good, trying to be normal.

Today I also haven't been able to walk around, walking is still an obsession for me. But knowing I CAN'T walk today is also kind of freeing, because finally I don't have to count the steps. But it would at least calm my nerves... at the moment I am just really anxious.

Actually I have also been working from home today, but if I didn't have to do it, I would have taken a long walk already. Even though lately I just can't be bothered. I have done other things with my time and I have learned I also like doing other stuff. Reading books, writing letters, watching series and movies, listening to music, journaling and scrapbooking, being with friends and relatives and so on. I can't even really believe I used to spend 4-5 hours a day just walking around.

At the moment yes, I am still doing it, but not voluntarily. It is an obsession and need. It also doesn't help that people post on Instagram about how much they have walked... I feel like it automatically becomes and competition and I can't be "worse" than them. Argh, it is just so frustrating!

At least I have better relationship with the gym, I don't have to go there every damn day. I just go a few times per week. And I don't use the equipment that shows how many calories you have burned. I do weigh training with different machines, I try out dumbbell exercises and yesterday I also did some abs. And I have gotten over this "must burn calories" thinking, I do stuff that I like and what make me feel good. I have also been thinking about getting back into running, but the weather is just TOO hot at the moment. Honestly, this is too much even for me. :D I have also been thinking about taking my sleeping bag to 24/7 opened store and go sleep there. xD I wonder how the workers would react to this...

Anyway yes, at my sister's, I still tried everything I had made and then we drove to Viljandi. Me and my mum also picked up some Vegan Gourmet vegan shaslik and it literally took us an hour to drive from my place to the pick up location, there was so much traffic. But it was worth it. :D

I felt really super upset when we went to Viljandi and mostly I felt again that I don't want to exist, I just would like to fall asleep and not wake up. I couldn't calm down somehow and whatever I did, my mood didn't improve. In the end I took my meds and headed to bed, because I just didn't know what else to do.

The next day was hundred times better. In the morning we all had some breakfast, then we just chilled outside before it got too hot. We had some watermelon, strawberries, blueberries etc, we just snacked the whole day. Then I also went for a little walk, went to the place my other Grandma lived when she was alive and it was so nostalgic. I took a huge detour home and picked some field flowers for my Grandma, who'se place we went for a BBQ. :D

I got some rain, but it stopped quite soon and it was hot yet again, so I dried off fast. I vurned my shoulders and back a little, because I wore the upper part of my bikini and it was 12 pm. Today my shoulders really hurt, I came to work with backpack and I really didn't want to wear it. :D

Then around 5 we went to my Grandma's place and my dad started the BBQ. We had some meat shaslik, then fish one and this soya one I ordered. I also wanted to try the fish one really bad.

And…

It was amazing. :D I also have another vegan meat from a company, but there was only 6 of us so there was no point in barbequing it all. We left it for another time when I came to Viljandi. Anyway, the fish one was good as well and was eaten first.

Anyway, I tried this vegan shashlik and it was so real! It tasted like meat, the texture was like meat etc. It was perfectly marinated and it wasn't dry at all. Others also tried it and they liked it, but I pretty much had the whole 1 kg bag by myself. xD Me and dad kind of competed though, because he also really enjoyed it. Anyway yes, I will definitely order some more, because... I am really buzzing for it. :D

We sat outside for a long time and in the end I even got to wear a hoodie, soooooo nice. Because the weather has been really hot here. We also had cheese, grapes, watermelon, pastries, ice cream etc. But...

II ate a lot. But not so much that I would have felt overly bloated. Maybe it helped that I had vegan meat, it is kind of lighter? Anyway, I didn't really feel disgusting and I didn't even have guilt feelings the next morning. I had my normal breakfast. Okay, I had a few too many drinks, so I felt a bit hungover, but nothing too bad. :D

But when I woke up I was really anxious. Exactly like I was in Tartu. My heart was pounding, head was spinning, hands were shaking and I just felt suuuuper panicky. I didn't know what to do. I went to my dad and asked him to sit with me, but it ended up to be a lecture. It wasn't very nice. At least soon my mum woke up and I cried a little, then I was better. xD I don't know, these panic attacks are really bad. I feel weird the whole day.

To my surprise, I didn't take the earliest bus or train back to Tallinn, I stayed in Viljandi a bit longer. We were just chilling, I didn't even go for a walk, even though I really felt like I should have gone. It is bothering me a lot.

When I got back to Tallinn, I went to the nearest store! I thought that well, I have time, maybe I should walk a little more, but I was just so tired and then I only got in about 2000 steps. And I really didn't care. What a weird feeling...

And today morning my weight was up by two kilos from before going to Viljandi. But... I didn't care. Like, I wasn't bothered AT ALL. It is I think the first time where I just don't care, usually I still get some pangs of emotion related to it. But not this morning. And I really didn't worry about food and eating in Viljandi. I felt that things can be, well, normal.

So I went to Tartu in the end, on Friday. I thought that I will use this thing where I plan coming back earlier on a Saturday, as my psychologist suggested... well, I made it home at 5 on Sunday. So I stayed for two nights.

Because I felt so normal. This small trip showed me that normal life is possible. Honestly, it was weird. I am not used to this feeling. Especially because last couple of weeks have been really depressive for me and I already told to my psychologist that I want to start taking higher dose of my meds, because I just cannot handle life. I don't know, maybe thanks to having bad time previously, these few days felt so good? My mum said I need to try and hold on to this, especially now on the next day as work is starting again etc. I will try and do my best.

On Friday I took the bus at 9am and went to Tartu. As I got there, I took a cup of coffee in a cafe and then went to some stores plus I walked along the river. Then I went to my relative's workplace and waited until her shift ended. Then we went to her place. Zero pressure. Zero guilt. Zero worries.

Later we went to town to eat something. Went to a place called Uulits and picked burgers and fries. I also had a glass of wine. No problem. Burger was really good and it was so nice to eat it now, without braces. It was so nice, and so much fun. I also finally tried this Beyond Meat burger patty and it was really next level from regular vegan burgers. Even though I like those as well, but to get this real burger experience was exciting. :D It was difficult to pick a place for dinner, but my relative was really nice and we literally went to EVERY place in old town before I made a decision, haha. :D So I still have difficult time with deciding on things. :D

Then we just chilled, had some drinks (we were in a place called Vein ja vine, which was awesome), talked to some people and so on. Cheese board in a cafe? Done. Wrap in the middle of the night from a petrol station? Done. We went home and got to sleep at like 3 am. And in the morning we got up around 9:30.

Honestly, I opened my eyes and thought that I will not get up. Hangover was there. But I just rested a little more and it passed. We chatted for a while and tried to come up with a place to go and have breakfast at.

We went to Kolm Tilli, I got scrambled eggs with spinach, avocado mash, sourdough bread and a lot of fried mushrooms. And cafe latte. And I enjoyed every bite. But what was the most important - I didn't think of food all the time. We chatted, met up with another person and we just enjoyed life. I had some ice cream as well. Best vegan ice cream I have ever had. With coconut and salted caramel. Amazing. And despite everything I felt so GOOD.

Then we went back home for a moment and later walked to the river, tested out the water and just strolled. We also visited my other relatives who have yound children. I had a coffee. Had some homemade ice cream. Thought that I should plan going back to Tallinn and then suddenly I come out with: hey, I am going to stay another night. :D If I had gone back in the evening, I would have made it home at like 2 am or something, so it seemed more reasonable to go home the next day instead. I planned to go at around 10 in the morning, but that plan failed.

In the evening we went to eat out again (best Chinese EVER, I had crispy vegetables in chilli-honey sauce, like sweet spicy chicken, but veggie version and it was SO GOOD. My last Chinese experience was frozen veggies in soy sauce at Chopsticks, after that I have avoided Chinese places :D), then we went home, made some tea and sat on the rooftop, snacking on some radishes.

We just talked for a long time and I had this Reality Check game with me, we went through the cards and tried to devide them between us. :D It was kind of funny. We told each other stories contacted to the cards, like if there was "the most suspicious person", then one of us told a story about when we felt we were weird etc. :D We also showed each other pictures and videos we had in our phones and time just passed super fast. Suddenly it was almost 1 am and we finally decided to get some sleep. It had gotten a bit cooler outside as well, so we were enjoying it a lot. We had all the windows open and it was soooo nice. :D

The next morning we woke up around the same time and made some pancakes. While I was still laying down, I felt it - really bad anxiety. Like, it was wild. I was tense all over, my heart beat super fast and my mouth was dry. I couldn't think clearly, my thoughts were all over the place and I felt nauseous. Not the hangover feeling, it was just really really bad panic. I really thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. And I didn't know what to do. But at the same time it was good that I wasn't at home alone, because then I would have lost myself inside my head and breaking free would have been much more difficult.

But then I remembered that I forgot to take my medication yesterday and as soon as I took it, in an hour I was completely fine. We had pancakes, both savoury and sweet. I have been wanting pancakes for suuuuucch a long time, so this was perfect. :D I also got to drink NATO emergency food back coffee, it was weird. Looked like a tea bag. :D But it was fine. We talked to my relative's mum and talked to her. We just chilled. Talked a lot about our trips, life and so on. We caught up on all the things we had missed out while we didn't talk for years. We remembered all the old times. And then finally at around 2 pm I took the bus home.

My psychologist told me that when I feel negative, there is an uncomfortable situation or I start to regret my decision, I should think about something good, focus on something else, do the exercise that helps me to stay in present.

But like... I didn't need that. I think there was something that came over me, something called FEELING GOOD. I felt so light, as if I was reborn and I was just like ?????? at myself all the time, because I really felt something other than negative emotions. I was at peace.

I talked to my mum a lot about it when I got home and she just said that normal people feel like this. Is this possible?! Is it really possible not to worry, not to want to kill yourself, not to thing dark thoughts, not to regret things you have done, not to want to CRY ALL THE TIME? Could I really be normal?

I didn't really even think about doing this challenge, because I am more of a sweets person. But then I was wondering what I could do for one day and decided to try this challenge after all. Besides, if I am completely honest, I grew tired of my morning porridge for a change. :D I think starting from the next day I will be back at it, but I still gave it a shot. Besides, I love a good challenge.

Breakfast

I thought about it for a long time. I Googled so many recipes, but finally I was like... I can just make something simple. So I made some scrambled eggs with mushrooms and cheese. And I got SUPER full. I made the scramble with four eggs, because I didn't really have anything on the side and I wanted to be well fed. It was good. :D Also interesting that when I have my sweet porridge in the mornings, I am always like, okay, this is done, when is it lunch again. :D But at the moment I am just really full.

Had some pickles on the side. Because sometimes I get these cravings for pickles or sauerkraut or something like this and I had this in the fridge luckily this time.

Of course I had it with a lot of ketchup and mayo, because withput these things it is not possible to have eggs. :D Unless you use eggs to top your sandwiches, but even then I often add mayo.

Anyway, it was super strange. During eating I thought that I wish I had made porridge, but at the same time it was still nice as well. My vacation also just started and I slept in a little, it was nice to make something more interesting for breakfast. I thought about many things, like savoury pastries and bagels and everything, but I didn't want to spend THAT much time on making breakfast.

We shall see how long I stay full, but I have a feeling it will be quite a bit. :D

And then at one point I started getting ideas about missing lunch, because I was still full and I had a lot of snacks planned and my weight was higher this morning, but at the same time I wondered why. What was the point? I need to eat anyway and I need to gain some more weight and get my period back.

It was surprising that when I stepped on the scale and saw a bigger number, I thought that who even cares. It is just a number. So sometimes there are days like this and I feel like these are coming to me more and more and it is amazing.

Now I should do something useful, for example go for a walk, but at the moment I feel kind of... tired. I am full and I am wondering that maybe I will instead have another coffee and postpone going for a walk... but I would like to get some steps in, because later I am going to get my vaccine and I want to have my lunch at peace. And I can't be without walking at the same time.

Today would be a good day to start some step challenge, as I am writing this post on the first of June. But at the same time I can't be bothered. I don't want this walking to become an obsession again, I have been trying to get rid of this habit. Like, I guess I still walk more than a normal person, but at least I don't feel like I NEED to hit a step goal every frigging day. I am doing another challenge at the minute as well though that has something to do with steps, haha. :D But we shall see when I finish it, as it doesn't really have an end date.

It is weird to be at home while others are working. I just checked the time and thought that it is in the middle of our meeting and I am sitting at home, having coffee and just chilling. Me and my best friend usually send each other outfit pictures and when she sent me one this morning, I was like... why is she going to work on Saturday, hahaha. :D

On Wednesday she is coming to my place, we are ordering some food and something. Yesterday it was really tough day mentally, even though it went well at work etc. I managed to write a lot of analytical text and my boss was really pleased, it was nice.

I should actually do some more studying, because time is flying by and soon I need to apply to the uni... should look up when it is exactly.

Talking more about food, I think today will be perfect day of eating. Enough protein, fats and carbs. I haven't counted the calories, but it seems to be a day where I have enough of all macros, though the snack ruins it a little. :D

I have been thinking about posting more about what I eat in a day? Would it be helpful or would it make you compare yourself to me and make you feel guilty? I have both emotions when I see posts like this - sometimes it is good to see what others are having and you get some good ideas, but if someone eats very little, I immediately think that oh no, I am having too much of something. I will think about it more. Or I don't know, I should make similar challenge as today's again. But now I don't know what is next, spicy foods? :D Why not... though I am afraid my taste buds would be like Signe what the fuck are you doing, haha. :D

I finally managed to translate some posts to my English blog, even though I am still very much behind. But I have more readers in my Estonian blog. Though there are some people who read this as well and they say I write well, though I have my doubts... I don't really have any plans for my post, I just write down whatever I am thinking about. So this is why my style is really jumpy, from one topic to other. :D

There is another challenge I would like to do - 24 hours without social media. It sometimes makes me really stressed and anxious. Especially when I open my FB messenger and there are several new messages from several people. I don't want to be rude and not answer, but sometimes it is just too much and I don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to communicate. I feel like recently there have been so many social events and I am tired, I need some SPACE. Both in my life and in my head. So maybe today I will ignore people more. But well, maybe I should have warned them in advance, haha. :D But as my psychologist said, it is fine not to answer or read the message right away.

It really bothers me when I am listening to the music and walking and someone writes to me - I get annoyed at the notification. And then I feel like I need to answer etc. Annoying.

But okay, I managed to write down everything about breakfast, let's wait for lunch now. Even though I am still really full.

Lunch

For lunch I made tomato-basil soup and on the side I had rye bread with herbed butter. Of course my first thought was to skip the bread, but then I was like - soup alone is so sad. So I had it as well. I had a piece of seeded rye bread left, I toasted it and it was really good.

Actually by the time I had food, I wasn't even hungry yet, like, at all. But I still thought that it is the right time to eat.

I had an energy drink as well. My friend got me addicted and now a day doesn't pass when I don't have it. This sucks, especially because my Coke and Pepsi addiction is also very real still. But I only had one coffee on this day, so it was fine considering.

I would have liked posting this all to Instagram during the day, but I held myself back, because I didn't want to give clue what challenge I am doing. :D But yeah, when I added up all the calories I ate, it was a lot over what I spent.

Dinner

For dinner I made mayo salad with salmon and ginger. I really love pickled ginger, I could literally have it with any food. Pizza with ginger? Why not. Even to my breakfast porridge I usually add grounded ginger, because I just love it so much.

I remember that once a long time ago my aunt gave me ginger in sugar coating and I thought it was the most disgusting thing ever - oh how times have changed. :D

Anyway dinner was very good and each time I make this salad I feel like a rich person. :D Salmon is not cheap at all. I also had a lot of salad, I usually buy a bag with 120-150 grams of leaves, add a whole container of cherry tomatoes, whole bell pepper and whole cucumber. Then I mix it all with mayo, add some seasonings and top it with salmon and ginger. This is probably one of my favourite meals and it is super fast and easy to make. And I think it is delicious. I love all kinds of salads in general.

As a snack, or, well, dessert, I had a bag of Estrella cheese flavoured crisps. The proper ones. I am always reminded by my childhood when I have them, we ALWAYS ate them with the family while watching a movie or when I played school with my sister. But this time the whole bag was mine and you bet I finished everything. :D I can't open a thing and then not have it all. I thought about making a combination of different crisps, like a plate of three or something, but it was just a thought.

I also had a whole big bottle of Fanta Zero, because I really wanted it and it was on sale. So I had a very yellow snack. :D

At first, when I told my sister about this challenge idea, she recommended me to have savoury drinks as well - savoury mineral water etc. She even looked up savoury cocktails like Bloody Mary, which I, in fact, have never tried. :D I would kind of like to try it, even though I hate tomato juice. But I would like to try everything once. :D

I had a lot of guilty emotions, because I didn't have an appetite, I was just so full. And then on the next day when I stepped on the scale, I had gained a whole kilo. Only now when I am writing this I am thinking that it was probably because of salt - it makes you retain water.

In general this was quite a fard challenge for me, because I really wanted watermelon or grapes, but if I do a challenge, I won't back off. So I finished the challenge without cheating.

Now today is Wednesday and my best friend is coming over. I am really stressed over food. I have been eating well - two meals and some snacks, but I KNOW tonight is going to be bad. At first I had a plan of making falafels in the air fryer, and fries, but I wanted another challenge and we decided to have a pizza from a place called VIBEZ that is super close to my flat. And we will have a few drinks too.

I don't know yet what I am going to take, there are so many things I want. But at the same time I am not even hungry, so I don't want anything at all. I had lunch a bit too late, but I wanted to walk around a little to calm myself down from the higher weight I saw this morning.

Also yesterday I got my first vaccination, Pfizer. I booked the first time I could and I had to go to the other side of Tallinn for it. But it was nice. :D Doctors and nurses and everyone were super sweet and adorable.

So, here are our pizzas. I got herbivore pizza and my best friend had ch-ch-cheese pizza. Both were really good, and we were lucky, as we liked out own ones the best.

It is weird to be on a vacation and blog, I keep forgetting I need to post. But now it is done. :D

Tomorrow my parents and grandma are coming to Tallinn to have a housewarming party with us. I am going to make food and all this. I am a bit stressed over it. Lately I have very hard time mentally. And today is the first day when I don't have any plans. But it is so freeing. I don't have to do anything or meet anyone or go anywhere. I would like to have more days like this during my vacation, but oh well, tomorrow is already "ruined". I am gain at the spot that my psychologist calls worrying ahead, but what can I do. I really about 80% of the time worry about the future. And then 15% I think about the past and then there is only 5% left for the present...