I Won't Quote

Weekend was... a challenge. I'll get to that.

Weekend... made no sense. I really didn't expect anything like this. Like seriously: we found a turtle from our garden. (It also made the news!)

This was a moment where you were thinking if you are dreaming or not. I was at home and about to put apple cake/pie in the oven and I was supposed to go outside to pick some apples. The next moment my mum bangs on the kitchen window and waves her hand. I am like, okay, what is going on and look outside. She points at the apple tree. And there I can see... maybe a hedgehog? But it is big? The next moment I realise it is a TURTLE. We grabbed our phones (me, my sister and dad) and ran outside.

A big turtle just ate an apple. Like really got into it. At first we thought that we shouldn't go too near, because it may be scared of us. But the little guy ran to my dad (who used to have a turtle when he was small!). The turtle was quite fast, but in sunny and warm days thet are really active. Anyway, we picked it up (actually just moved it a little, so it wouldn't escape) and asked neighbours and people living nearby if they have lost their pet. No one knew where it came from.

I googled what to do in this kind of situation and there was an article saying that you should contact your local shelter. It was Saturday of course and they only acted in rare cases. But they did call me back after I left a message, saying that "you have a surprise guest, can we come and pick it up". :D They picked it up quite fast. I really hope that thanks to my Facebook post and article on the news it will get home soon. :D

The challenge was making apple pie. As I mentione in my last post, I decided to make curd cream and apple pie.

I should have used a bigger pan, because it was too small for this. :D At first it didn't seem like it was, but well. It tasted amazing, though. The recipes from this one site never fail. I am also going to make another dish from their page tomorrow, so I will probably post about that too.

Anyway, I had two pieces with ice cream on the first day (I paused my eating disorder again).

Even my dad, who doesn't really like cakes, had several pieces. So everyone really liked it. I sent the recipe to my mum as well, because she really loved it. Anyway, I have come to realise that baking is awesome. We brought a lot of apples from Viljandi and I already thought that if we can't eat them all, I will bake again. I am not a fan of Estonia's traditional apple pie, because I have had it so much, but there are loads of cool recipes online.

Anyway yes, this was quite hard. I have gained 1,2 kgs during this weekend. I know that it won't all stick with me, but still... it is difficult. But at the same time I weighed myself today morning and discovered this and my reaction was... okay then. OKAY THEN? WHO AM I? I don't recognize myself!

When parents brought us to Tallinn, we went to have some food at Little India. I picked vegetable thali and it was amazing. Hadn't been to Little India in a while, so it was super nice. But still, I don't know. How is it possible that I didn't care about my weight in the morning? What is going on? I made porridge and added cherries and cocoa and I didn't even feel like I needed to restrict at all, which was new. This makes no sense. Yesterday evening I did think that tomorrow I will do this and that and skip a meal and make a lighter breakfast and so on, but then the time comes, I weigh myself and I just don't care? Like, what the heck. :D I don't understand. Is this how normal people feel? Is this how normal people act?!

What can I say. This is funny.

This week I decided that it is sime for another cooking project - baking bread with the starter.



There was a bread company that posted an article about making your own starter, so I followed it. From a friend I got a piece of bread (as me and my sister don't usually have bread at home) and also a mould. So I was ready to go.

So on the first day it was quite interesting to tear the bread into small pieces and start to feed it. Feeding on second and thurd day. :D I made jokes about having a new pet or tamagochi, who I need to take care of. :D

Anyway, on the fourth day my starter looked like this and was bubbling, meaning it was all good:



I talked to some people with experience on instagram, as I had so many questions! Is some of the starter just going to be to throw away? (I used it to make those Japanese cabbage pancakes.) How much starter do I need to add to my bread? The recipe on the bread company site was made for three big breads, I just wanted to make one. We shall see how it goies. At the moment I am on fourth day of growing my starter, and I will bake on Friday! Also I am soon having a vacation from work! Can't wait!

It is sixth day now and my starter is doing well, thank you for asking. Tonight I will make pre-dough and then tomorrow morning I will put it in the mould, then go out for a bit and will bake during lunch. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me! :D I will make a proper seeded loaf.

Pre-dough came out well and I also took a small "son of starter" to bake again some time. Anyway, on the seventh day I made the real dough - it came out around 850-900 grams.



Dough while it was still rising.

Anyway, I let it rise a little and it rise so beautifully! I was not expecting this. :D Then I put it in the mould and went to have a coffee with a friend (via coffee window. It was so cool, you rang a bell and they opened a window and you got your coffee in a little basket).



When I got home, I put the bread in the oven... and in an hour I had a nice warm loaf ready!



I couldn't even wait for it to properly cool down, I really wanted to try it already. :D

And it tastes like real rye bread! I added some seeds to give it a little crunch. Next time I want to add hemp seeds, because these should be extra crunchy. I am convinced I am going to bake in every 2 weeks (as the starter is good for about 14 days). Maybe even more often... bread world is so big and I really want to try different add-ins like seasonings and all that... yum, I can already imagine it. :D



Proper amount of seeds as you can see. And it looks like real bread!!! :D

Anyway, I am really happy with this and I would like to thank all the people who helped me, answered to my questions and just cheered me on. Thank you! Also if anyone wants some starter - please contact me, I am happy to share.

All in all I would say that the hassle was so worth it!

White bread and bread were things that I was deadly afraid of before going to the hospital. I guess it also plays into that that all the news and magazines were saying "bread is bad for you", "don't eat wheat products" and so on. Even if I didn't let it affect me, it kind of stuck in my head. Thus I made the decision to not have bread. I often had salads for lunch, or - I have to admit - those 5 minute cup of soups, which are really unhealthy. They are worse than bread could ever be.

When I was at the hospital, me and my family went to have lunch together at one point. They offered  some home baked bread with seeds and butter and it was amazing. Also at the hospital we had 2 slices of bread at every meal. And this actually helped. It is true that you have to repeat eating your fear foods. When I hadn't bought bread when I was discharged, I probably would have started to be afraid of it again. But I did buy it and it was a great decision.

For lunches at work I started to make myself sandwiches. It was amazing. I usually had them with butter, cheese and cucumber or tomato, sometimes with hummus or something similar as well. Then came the period where I didn't have bread as much and I already could feel it becoming scary again... until i finally bought some new bread.

The moments where my sister made some toast in the morning, I always tohught that toast smelled so good. I craved for bread more than usually. With this illness, I think the more you forbid yourself, the more you start to want it. I think I could have a whole bread in a day and it would still not be enough. It is like this with many things that I have been wanting but haven't let myself have. I am constantly thinking about it.

For example when I haven't let myself have cheese, I start craving it. And when my mum came to visit us and we had some wine and cheese, I had to really be mindful and try not to just eat ALL the cheese. I finally let myself have it and I had it so much that I started feeling physically sick. I just couldn't stop.  So it would probably be better if I gave my body the things it wants. Constantly. But it is difficult. And I have no idea if any of this has a point that I have written down...

Now that I am at the home office due to corona virus, I decided to tackle my fear and bake bread myself. I happened to stumble on a recipe and I have translated it into English as well:







This recipe was good, because it had few ingredients and I had them all at home.



It had a lot of seeds in it, but seeds and nuts are really difficult for me, as they have a lot of calories in them (but at the same time they have a lot of GOOD fats and they are healthy in their essence. My mind still only focuses on calories though...). But anyway, I followed the recipe wholly and I didn't leave anything out (for example I thought oil was unneccessary). I made it as it was supposed to be made!



Right before going into the oven when I still let it rise for 30 minutes.



Added some extra seeds on top.

And it came out to be wonderful! Really really good. It was really... thick and nice. The taste was so good, especially with hummus and fresh spring onion. And with roasted bell peppers. Definitely one of my favourte breads! I am sure I will make it again in the future and probably will bake it for my parents as well when I go to visit them.



Of course with eating it came the feeling of guilt. Because, well, I cut myself some really thick slices and I had only had soup on the previous days. Was it a good idea to have bread now? There are more calories... and so on and so on. I am tired of myself sometimes. But at the same time part of me was really proud about baking this bread that it kind of made up for the feeling of guilt.

I really want to bake something else as well. I have been thinking about making healthy carrot cake or something similar, but at the moment I couldn't find a recipe that would not have tons of sugar. I will look into it more. Like, it would be nice to have Friday as a baking day like we did at the hospital. I also need to take into consideration that my sister doesn't eat wheat (honestly she just frustrates me sometimes) and this kind of sets boundaries for the cooking (as I will be unable to eat everything myself. I also don't have a big enough freezer to keep things there).

I guess for the next fear food I want to challenge pasta. I don't understand why it is so difficult to have this, but I can easily eat noodle dishes, woks and something like this. I just don't understand.