I Won't Quote

Before I talk about today's topic, I wanted to say that I tried a poke bowl with vegan salmon, made out of carrots and... it was a huge disappointment. It was far from "salmon", the sauce wasn't my favourite and despite taking a big bowl, I didn't really get full...

My sister and her friend ordered pizza (and were super happy about it) and the whole night I regretted not having pizza as well. :D At least me and my friend made a plan to have a pizza night to get this fix of pizza that I need.

Other than that it was fun, we also tried LaMuu salted caramel ice cream and talked. This food aspect got to me really bad, because I felt like I wasted calories?! I don't know. I have a feeling that I have food addiction, I always have to snack on something, or I can't feel at peace. Today my weight... oh boy, my eyesight got all black when I checked. I will write more about it towards the end of the post...

But about vegan cheese.

I just got a huge box of vegan cheese and I thought about sharing three recipes I tried with it. :D

I won't write about them in the order I made them, because firstly I wanted to tell you about my favourite! Some time ago I bought myself a waffl maker and I have tried it a few times, but not recently. So I finally decided to make savoury waffles.

To make these, I mixed 1 dl of flour, about 3/4 dl of vegan oatmilk, a spoonful of chia seeds, half a spoon of baking powder, some sundried tomatoes and vegan cheese. I flavoured it with salt, pepper, basil and parsley.

I let it stand a little and during this time I fried some asian vegetables with some mushrooms, added salt, paprica and garlic. Then I let it sit on the frying pan while I made the waffles. Usually it comes to 4 waffles, but this time it was six, haha, but I am not complaining, as it was... AMAZING. I think it was better than sweet waffles!!!!

I topped it with sriracha-garlic sauce and vegan mayo. And honestly, I haven't had something so good in a long time. It was just perfect, I can't even explain. :D I really recommend trying making savoury waffles! I can imagine them being good with chickpea flour as well, but I still haven't bought any.

Anyway yes, niceeeeee. I am just really excited, as you can tell. :D I just finished eating and had to blog about it right away. They were also super easy to make! And it proves that you don't need to use animal products, like, at all. I even sent my mum a picture of them and she is not a fan of waffles, but she said they do look good and she would like to try them. :D She is coming to Tallinn next weekend, so maybe I will make them to her and my sister... we shall see what our plans are. I also thought about making some for my birthday? Even though I don't know, the waffles get soggy quite fast. I need to think about it more. If you have good vegan pary food ideas, let me know. Last time I made pizza, but I would like to make something different this time around. I have some ideas, but there could always be more.

Next I made oven baked pasta, which used mushrooms, bell pepper, onion and pasta. I poured some oatcream over it, to make it nice and creamy. And of course added salt and pepper plus some garlic powder, because it makes the dish. I made it all in a pot and when it was ready, I poured it into oven proof mould and shredded some cheese on top. Then let it do it's thing in the oven for 15 minutes. It didn't seem enough though, so when I served it, I added some more cheese on top. :D

Really simple, but really tasty! I used vegan Emmental cheese and it was really good. I would definitely get it again. We also tried it plain and my sister said that it tastes like normal cheese, so it was a success.

And I finally could try my oven baked pasta, but... if I am honest, I like normal pasta more. XD Like this baking in the oven didn't really add anything to it. Mayvbe it would be better with tomato based sauce? Anyway, it was nice and me and my sister watched some Brooklyn 99 after a long time, and had some cake. All in all it was a really nice evening.

Thirdly and lastly I wanted to make some mac and cheese, but it was kind of different. :D But I LOVED it.

I put some pasta and cauliflower in a pot and let it boil, seasoning it with salt. Then I poured the water out, added about 150 grams of vegan cheese, salt, pepper, garlic powder and paprica powder. Cauliflower was really soft and mushy and made a sauce with the cheese and it tasted so good.

With it, I had about 500 grams of cherry tomatoes, and perfect meal was ready. Really fast as well! :D And every time I have pasta I rediscover how much I like it. Can't wait to repeat this recipe, haha. :D Even though I would still like to try this American mac and cheese food, but I was pleased with my concoction as well.

Anyway yes, cheese is good and I highly recommend VegePlus vegan cheese. It is really tasty and honestly seems like the real thing. :D I still have one chilli one and one regular one left and I will definitely be making the waffles again.

I am sorry this post hasn't been as interesting, but I wanted to share some simpler things and I really wanted to write about this vegan cheese, as I got it as a gift from the company. :D

Next week will be really challenging, it is difficult to deal with the weight gain and I have some intense guilt, so it is kind of sucky with my ED currently. I know that there are a lot of events coming that have food and drinks, then mum comes, then there is Mother's day when we should got to Viljandi and then my birthday and so on. I want to get back into my old rhtym.

It is kind of nice, because every month I write a goal to my bullet journal to be more social, but eating disorder and weight gain really upset me.

Like, I don't have a thigh gap anymore. My feet rub together. It is really strange. Jeans are too tight. Argh, it is difficult to deal with this. And I am just at the lower end of healthy weight?! And I need to gain more to get my period back and get my hormones functioning normally?! How in the world?!

Also I eat a lot and a lot and I am still so tired all the time. My friend suggested taking bloot tests to see if I have too little of something in my blood, I will think more about it. I have seen my doctor once two years ago, so I don't really know how to contact her, haha... :D But yeah, I need to do something, because I am so low on energy.

For the next five days I am trying to do another challenge, but I don't know if it should be called that. It kind of does motivate me though, so this is good and I will write about it soon. And then I have another food related thing planned, so I am motivated about blogging at least. :D Sometimes getting my emotions out here really helps.

I got myself new headphones so I could listen to audiobooks. I started Harry Potter: A History of Magic and gosh, I have so many emotions. :D I am not fond of Rowling, but this world still means a lot to me.

I am also thinking about joining Scribd page to get more audiobooks, but I don't know... do you know any free sites for audiobooks? There is a page in Estonian library for it, but the selection is quite tiny there and I want more options. Let me know if you have any recommendations. :D Anyway, I think I will walk home today after work, so I could listen some. Though it is snowing a little and the weather is quite cold, so I am not sure.

This weekend passed super fast and usually they tend to drag. Maybe it is because I have such a hard time at work currently, I am really confused and tired and then life was like hehhehehe let's make this weekend past fast so she would have to go back to work asap.

Thanks, life.

Most people get too little sleep. The lack of sleep causes immune system to be weaker, you get sick more often and it also affects yout ability to work and think. Not to mention all of the other aspects of life.

There was a long period in my life where I slept maybe only 2-3 hours per night. And it wasn't as if I couldn't fall asleep - I just woke up too early and never managed to fall back asleep. I remember the times when I went to work an hour or two too early, because I only saw the minutes on the clock and thought it was about time. Then, getting to the office at 6 am, I understood something was wrong.

It was very difficult. I couldn't think clearly, it seemed like I was in a haze all of the time. I could stare at the distance and not hink about anything.

I did some research and found out that there are some people who don't need as much sleep and came to conclusion, that I was one of them.

Now this time is behind me. I am sure it is thanks to my medication, that allows me to sleep 12 hours straight. But I have a feeling it has stopped me from living. Like, even during the weekends I can't stay up later than until nine, though I would like to. I want to watch movies sometimes, read a book or study. But I am just so tired.

When I go to work, I wake up at 6:15, but I am used to this. I have no problems with getting up, I never snooze my alarm (even though I have five alarms set for every morning :D). And during the weekend I usually wake up around eight-nine, but I open my eyes even earlier. This is no surprise, as I go to bed so early.

Then on Friday I decided that this was enough. I sleep for the half of my life. And I know it is not bad and if my body needs sleep, I need to honor it, but I just wanted to do this challenge and stey up until 11 every night. And it doesn't matter if I don't do anything important, like it is fine to watch YouTube videos or just play Farm City on my phone (latest obsession) or pet the cat. Just... I feel like I need to get out of this work-home-sleep thing and give myself some more time to do nothing. Play on my phone. Like pictures on Instagram. Look up recipes.

On Friday it was quite easy to stay up. Around 7 I did a video call with my best friend, had a drink and we listened to some music plus I read some corona jokes out loud. :D It took an hour or so. Then I made some foor at around 8 and at 9 I had my dessert/snack. :D I did nothing, watched some videos (I should really post about my favourite YouTubers), read a little. And then Motu came to sleep on me and I couldn't make him go away, he was too cute, so I went to bed a little past midnight. Me!

Most people do this "my 5 am morning routine" recently, I am doing the exact opposite. :D How things have changed, haha. :D

On Saturday it was a bit more difficult to stay awake, even though I wasn't really sleepy. I went to bed around 10:30, but read a book for about an hour. I was surprised looking at the time at 11:20 whinking that I should go to sleep. I wasn't really tired, but fell asleep fast. The next morning I woke up a bit later, around nine I opened my eyes. Yes, this is "a bit later" for me. :D

On Sunday I really couldn't stay awake. Like for real, since 9 in the evening I was ready to go to bed. Also my weekend was really rough mentally and I was so done with everything. There was nothing on TV either. Finally around 10 I decided to go to bed, BUT I took my book and finished reading around 11. Then I was little on my phone and when I really couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, I fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I was still pretty tired, but not sleepy. I didn't fall asleep on the bus, as has happened before.

Why else am I doing this challenge? Because if I sleep for too long, I get a headache. It is kind of like pressure headache and it usually happens on the weekends, when I have been out of it for 12 hours in a row. And I don't know, it seems like a waste of time. I could do so much.

During the weekend I didn't do any studying, but I have this planned for today. I try and go through some things at home. Time is pressing and there is a lot of material I need to go over. And then I can enjoy me-time when I stay awake for longer.

It has been a while since I watched a series or a movie, but yesterday I saw a commercial for Lucifer and remembered I started watching it. Maybe I will try and see if I can watch another episode instead of just killing time. We shall see.

I think I won't keep up with this challenge after 5 days are over and will go to sleep at a normal time for myself. But at the same time I am excited doing this one. :D Like I am a small kid and no one is making me go to bed. :D

On the fourth day I watched In Time movie on TV, even though I didn't finish it. I still went to bed at half past one, but yeah. :D On the next morning I was super sleepy. On the bus I almost fell asleep and missed my stop. And I felt like my coffee needed an extra coffee. But we managed. It was nice to be awake so late, because everything was so quiet and calm. My neighbour is renovating his bathroom and he keeps drilling. Or listens to loud music. Even though he shuts it off at a normal time, so I can't really complain. :D But yeah, in general it is weird to just sit, do nothing and watch TV.

On the last day of this challenge my best friend came to visit me and we watched tons of videos and had some drinks. It didn't matter it was only Tuesday. :D At least I ordered myself a smartwatch. But I am not going to say which one I picked yet - I get it on Thursday (it is currently Wedensday) and I want to try it out for a bit, then I will write a whole post on it. Anyway I am happy with it, even though it was a bit more expensive than I wanted to.

Anyway I had dinner a lot later than usually, around 8:30. I was super hungry and food disappeared quickly. Then I also had some grapes and chocolate candies. I thought that I didn't like chocolate with mint after all, but these candies were really good if I am honest. :D

It was difficult to stay up. Probably because I slept little last night and my body wanted to recover from it. I tried to read a book, but my eyes were closing forcably so I stopped. I don't know what time I actually fell asleep ,but it was aroun 11. Or a few minutes before that.

Anyway yes, that was Tuesday. I think I will try again today.

Today another friend of mine is coming to visit and we are going to order food. Can't wait.

In my last post I said that my depression is really strong. I had the first meeting with my new psychologist and I already cried and all. But it seems that she is really nice and I was happy. Mainly she just asked questions about me and tried to get to know me, but when she saw I was super tense, then we did some breathing exercises together. Also she is different from the other lady, we set some goals for me and it seems to work, because I love challenges, tasks and goals, they seem more reasonable when I have said them out loud.

I also saw my psychiatrist who said that oiii Signe, you won't get rid of your meds any time soon, when I told him how I have been feeling recently... :D He was really upset with me. But I guess I needed that. I just admitted to him that I want to be better already, as I don't want to disappoint them constantly. Though it is their job to make me get better. But yeah, I just feel embarrassed. :D

Anyway then my best friend came to visit and later I felt MILION times better. I thought that I wanted to be alone and spend time with myself, but I really needed to chill with her. Another thing to remember - when things are getting tough, I can look for help from friends. Now the next time I know what to do when similar things happen.

On Wednesday I had another friend coming over and we ordered some food from Burger Box. She took burger and fries and I took loaded sweet potato fries with falafels and all kinds of good stuff. It was really nice. For a long time I wondered if I wanted this or should I go for a poke bowl, but I knew that deep inside I wanted fries and falafels. My illness just told me that I want something "lighter" and "healthier". Also had some crisps and ice cream later.

It was a little bit difficult, but once we had the food, it was fine. I got super full too, I am always scared I remain hungry if I order out. Like, I don't get full from pizza at all. :D I could probably have several pizzas in a row and then also a dessert, haha.

We got to talk and discover how alike we are and how we both have some weird habits. :D

I got to sleep sometime between 10 and 11, because I was just super tired and also cold, as I walked home and it got a bit chilly in the evening. I hoped there was going to be a good movie on TV, but there wasn't any. And I wasn't in the mood to pick something from Netflix, because it always takes ma ages to make a decision. :D

I still have this habit that when I am awake, I need to snack. Like there is no life unless I am not chewing on something. I don't understand how some people can watch TV while not snacking, I just can't do it. :D Then I am thinking about how people have food at 5-6 pm, because I always eat at 7 or even later. I have never been the one to skip dinners or snacks, I always do that in the evenings. I would kind of like to get rid of this habit, but I can't. Besides evenings are the only time when feeling full is fine for me and I don't feel disgusted. I especially hate feeling full during lunchtime. But I am working on it.

Now today (on Thursday) and on Friday I have home office, which makes things super difficult, because I have so much food around me and I can't stop myself. It isn't even lunchtime yet, but I have already had some cereal, chocolate, some cookies and a few grapes. Of course I also had breakfast. But I just have so many snacks at home I am constantly snacking. With home office it also sucks I need to make myself coffee, there is no machine that would do it for me. :D My best friend said this once and now I understand her.

What can I say about this challenge all in all? I quite liked it. It was nice to stay up later and talk to people, do my own things etc. I guess I am not gonna keep it up, but maybe I can stay up until 10 or something. :D An hour added to my day.

I haven't done any studying even though it was one of my goals for this week. I hope that I can find my motivation again and do it this week, time is passing quite fast thesedays. Besides in the evenings I don't really feel tired, it is just a habit to go to bed early. I would like to go through at least half an hour of studying each night, I will try that!

Also today I am finally getting my smartwatch, can't wait. I believe this will motivate me going running again as well... then I can hopefully complete my running challenge too, as weather has gotten a lot better as well. So yeah, there are things to look forward to.

I think I have gotten over my major depressive episode now, I only think about it sometimes now. This is progress. I hope things are going better now again, because honestly I am just so DONE with feeling awful.

Also, for a moment I thought about getting up earlier and going running then. :D I have never tried this, but sometimes when I go to work I see people running and think that I want to try this too. I have tried staying up later now, time to switch up the morning routine maybe. :D Besides I want to try taking a shower in the morning... but I think I would be too worried about being late for work. Even though it makes no sense, because I usually arrive at the office an hour before anyone else.

I got a gift yesterday too, most of you are going to faint: my favourite vegan cheese! This chilli one is to die for. Honestly, I highly recommend them. I like this a lot more than normal cheese, I never feel disgusting and heavy after having it.