I Won't Quote

I am starting to write this post right now, on Monday morning, so it won't be that long I think.

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Me, being pleased with my clothes.

Anyway, I thought I would write a little about how I deal with working out. And it is going well! I usually go to the gym like 2 times per week, mostly on the weekends, because on weekdays I get home quite late. I have gone a few times during the week as well, but then I have worked from home so going there takes no time at all. But in general it is good that I don't feel like I have to go every single day. I just take it easy, go when I want to and feel like it. I don't force myself to go at all.

Usually I jog a little and then use the equipment. Me! I have gotten used to using quite a few machines already, but there are still some I haven't checked out. I have my own certain routine of things I always do. I don't haby any muscles to show yet, but I don't work out that much. But at the same time after a workout I often get slightly sore muscles and I really like this feeling. :D And also it has never been too painful, just nice. And I think this is healthy.

In addition to using the equipment, I also do something with dumbbells and recently I have also started to pay attention to my abs. Even though I should probably do more for them, as I am so weak at my core. :D It will progress as time goes by, I am sure. Usually I stay at the gym for an hour or a little more.

On the weekend I used the running machine and jogged a little. Can't really call it proper running, as I am so slow, but it is at least something. Like last time I did FOUR AND A HALF km. I was super proud, as it has been a long time since I ran that much. I like running on the machine more, because it helps me to keep the pace. Outside I always start too fast and then get tired really soon. Also there aren't any crossroads and stuff at the gym. Or other people. There aren't many people who just run at the gym, mostly people walk. Most of the people still use the machines or dumbbells.

I am thinking that I should make a plan and write down how much weight I use on which machine etc, because it gets difficult to remember it all. And I would like to follow my progress more closely.

Something more general now as well... went to the beach on Friday and after that went to have food at Chakra, an Indian place. It was really nice, I highly recommend this place. On the beach there were quite a few people which was also a good change. :)

Then on Saturday I didn't really do anything, I was mainly at home... tried to study a bit, but wasn't successful. But I know I HAVE to do it as soon as possible, because I applied to uni on Friday and soon the exam takes place. I need to get at leasy 70 points, it is possible to get 50 from the test and 50 from the interview. I hope I am going to ace the interview, so I don't have to worry too much. I have hope. But even if I get 70 points, only first 30 will get a spot. :D And there are about 80 people registered...

Then in the evening I went to the gym and was there for a little less than an hour, because I simply was too tired. And it had a lot of people, considering it was Saturday, usually there aren't that many. Everyone are hungover from last night or out partying again usually, as weather is also super nice at the moment. Then I went home, ate a lot of course and then headed to bed. I had stayed up quite late on Friday so I was really sleepy.

On Sunday I had a proper rest, went to some stores. But I couldn't be bothered to try clothes on so I just went back home. Though one pair of pants is still in my mind, I think I have to go back at one point. I want mum jeans, because these are super popular at the moment and I love people wearing them. But I have tried them, and I don't like them on me. But I won't stop until I find a pair.

Then yesterday evening I also sorted through my clothes, even though I didn't manage to do it with everything. I was left with quite a bit I want to give away or sell. Also these are not only super small things, I have all the sizes. :D I feel kind of sad at the idea of throwing them away. I think in the end I will still bring them to the collection point and that will be done. I am just kind of sad that some of the things I haven't even worn.

I also thought about selling them at a second hand store, but I don't know how well it would go. Are there people actually buying stuff from there? Usually there are so few people in these kind of stores so I don't know. Also if any one my friends would like some new clothes - please drop by and see if you'd like something. :D I have pants, dresses, sweaters, jackets, blouses, a lot of things! Me and my friends used to do something like this: we went to someone's place with all the things we wanted to give away and then swich them. :D I would gladly do something like this again.

I am not really excited for the new week, because there is soooo much at work I need to do. One of my bosses has a holiday for a month and before this I really need to figure some things out. I try to take it easy and not stress too much. I also started to write a proper diary and I did write there that I worry way too much over stuff. Also I have another conflict - I always think and say I want to be more spontaneous, but I like knowing proper plans. It is kind of difficult to find the in-between...

But coming back to the gym, I think that yes, I need to plan out my workouts better. Like on what day I will do what etc. I really would need someone's help for that though, I am such a newbie. :D Of course I could learn stuff from YouTube, I am sure there is a lot of content (I even looked up how to use some of the equipment). But having someone with an experience would be beneficial.

With eating, things are going okay, but I feel like I still have some fearfoods, which I should take head on. :/ Because like... every day I keep thinking that I eat the same kind of stuff. I need to make something else. But I am so used to this. But then I keep thinking that there is so much other good food, I need to try it all... but I never get around to it.

Like at the moment it is difficult to eat rice, noodles (it used to be that pasta was no go and noodles were okay, now it is the opposite :D), beans and lentils (I don't even know, why, it used to be okay), some fruit (like mango, banana - even though I add banana to my porridge evert day), some vegetables (like avocado) etc. Yesterday I did make noodles with eggs and veggies for dinner and it was amazing. I don't know why I am scared. It just is like that. Also at the moment it is summer and I only want to eat fresh stuff. Ugh, this is just so irritating.

Anyway, here are some general plans for this week:

1. Finish some critical things at work.

2. Think and plan gym workouts.

3. Try and run more, both indoors and outdoors.

4. Study, study, study.

5. Try to be more spontaneous.

6. Eat different foods.

7. Spend more time in the sun.

8. Read more books.

9. Stress less.

10. Think of a GOOD challenge and execute it.

Here you go, ten things, I can be happy now. :D I will now try to get int work, as last week was a bit half-arsed. It is difficult to get back into rhytm.

I thought about what to write for a long time and one of my friends suggested some topics. She said I could write about fashion fears or wants. And I thought that was a pretty good suggestion. I also had another idea - brain or cerebral atrophy - but this topic needs to have some reading and exploring done. Anyway, if you would be interested, I could write another post about it.

But about clothes... oeh. One aspect why the recovery is hard, is definitely because your body is changing. And my body needs to change a lot. And letting go of your size is very difficult. I have several pieces of clothing that I really love and that fit me RIGHT NOW. So I kind of cling on to them, and think that I want to wear them more and for that I cannot gain weight. But this is so stupid. Clothes are temporary, they don't give any value to your life. I should think that oh yeah, I can go shopping instead. :D Actually I have gotten some things that are too big at the moment, I need to "grow into them". Because they are pretty and I would like to wear them already.

Also, I don't feel like I am too thin, but I do notice it on the photos or when I am looking into the mirror. For example when I wear a T-shirt, I can see how abnormally thin my arms are. But at the same time I am kind of scared of them turning chubby. :D This is so silly, I never look at other people's arms and think that, oh, they are too big. They are normal. And I want to be normal as well.

I want to wear sleeveless things, but the connection between my arm and shoulder is so ugly. I have also thought about wearing tight dresses, which I have never done, because I was concerned about my stomach and so on, but nowdays trying them on makes me go like "okay, I am way too skinny for it". I have always thought that this or that sticks out, but now... bones stick out. And it is not pretty.

There is a weird story with one of my pair of jeans. When I got them, they fit me really well. They were skinny jeans and looked pretty on me. Now they are loose and there is a lot of room left. But at the same time when I gained some weight at the hospital and wore them, they were tight again and it was... very difficult to deal with. I was so USED to them being too big. And in my head it translated to I am too big now. Even though in reality they looked much better on me.

The fact that I haven't bought many clothes for my current self is good - I have saved quite a bit of money. :D And a lot of the stuff that fit me currently, I have donated. Even when I was thinking that but they fit me well... it is not worth it. I want to pick clothes that fit me, not make myself to fit the clothes. I don't want to get something too tight and think that I need to lose weight to fit into it. I need to do the opposite - grow into them.

In Japan we did quite a bit of shopping, but these things would also fit a bit bigger me, so I wouldn't feel bad... but yeah. At the moment I am weathing loose fitting stuff that hide my body a lot. At some points I have tried some other clothes, for example a short sleeved shirt at work, but my arms are too boney. And this bothers me a lot.



Regarding clothes, I am really bothered by all kinds of diet articles, where they suggest you get a size smaller dress or something and this should motivate you to lose weight. I think that this shouldn't be used as a motivation. Like... ugh. These things make me really upset. I want to shake people (inclusing myself) and tell them not to read shit like this. There is nothing else in the magazines than losing weight. This is like the highest goal or something!

There was an article about my story in one magazine and I am really glad I decided to talk to them about myself. There is too little discussion about eating disorders in Estonian media.

How did I end up here when talking about clothes, I don't even know... :D

I also thought that I will take more pictures of myself. Just to have this reality check, to see from the far how I really look. To make myself realise I would be much better if I wasn't just skin and bones.

Anyway, yeah. This week's goal/challenge is difficult, but I have stuck to it. On Friday there will be a longer post about it. Today's already fourth day as I started on Friday and I already know it is going to be tough. All days are tough. But as long as I manage, everything is okay.